Pure
Hi lovelies, I hope things are going swimmingly for you all, both in real life and in terms of writing and that this evil muse-eating monster is attacking me alone.
I already posted most of this as a part of my WIP post before, but a few people wanted this finished and because I'm a lazybutt, my twin Ana static_abyss finished it instead!
(for anyone curious, ana wrote the part after the classroom encounter. so you can all go kill her for the ending heheheh)
Title: Pure
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Hangeng, Hanhae as well as many other geng-pairings
Rating: R?
Genre: angst, smut
Summary: Hankyung has the power to make anyone fall in love with him without even trying. Everything and everyone comes easily to him...until he meets the one person worth trying for.
Pure
Hankyung has the power to make people fall in love with him. It was simple and easy and it came to him as naturally as breathing. He was fated to capture people, to change them, to be wanted, to be desired, to make them lose themselves for him. He was meant to be loved, to be happy; to never have to desire without receiving, never to have to ache for love. It was his gift, his power, his destiny.
He was only eight when it first happened, a boy with scruffy knees and messy hair and dirt across his face. He runs around with the boys in the neighbourhood, tossing balls and playing hide and seek and peeking at the girl who lived in the pretty white house on the corner. The house has a neatedly trimmed lawn and a polished oak door, and all the boys would hide behind the row of bushes near the house to see her as she comes out each afternoon, in white dresses with colourful bows and shiny black shoes. She is pretty, with large eyes and she looks exactly like a doll; she never speaks and she’s never interested in anything and she’s a mystery. Hankyung runs into her accidently, he’s fetching a badly thrown ball that lands on the perfectly trimmed grass and he’s thin so he can slip through easier and suddenly she’s there, all white frills and silk bows (green today he notices even as he tries not to look) and he almost bumps into her. Her eyes are wider than usual, shining and soft and she stares at him and she helps him up, wiping away the dirt on his face with her pure white hankerchief. She keeps staring until he runs off, her gaze following him all the way up the street. Hankyung had managed to capture her attention and it excited him in a way that made the blood rush through him.
That was the start, but he was too young to understand, to believe. He had just turned twelve when there was a dance at school and Hankyung is dared to take the prettiest girl in the school, the ice princess who never smiles and has turned down every single person to ever ask her out. He approached her awkwardly, all uncertain glances and trying to not sound too hopeless, managing to flash her a weak smile. She freezes and her eyes flicker and something changes and it was just like years ago, only this time it’s stronger and Hankyung becomes the talk of the school when he ends up taking Jessica to the dance, her arms wrapped tightly around his as they danced all night and she’s smiling and there’s not a trace of ice in her eyes, only fire and heat. She had changed because of him and he was exhilarated.
He gets a tutor a couple of years later, when he is almost 16, a slender, pretty man named Jungsu. They study mathematics, twice a week, the older man sitting beside him as they worked through the jumble of numbers and equations. Jungsu was not that much older than Hankyung and there was a sweetness and kindness that was always there in those eyes and even if Hankyung messed up the easiest questions, the other would just smile and slowly teach him how to work it out and Hankyung sometimes purposely did something wrong, just so Jungsu would lean closer and show him, because maybe, just maybe he had a tiny little crush. He gets a 98% on the exam and his parents are beaming as he rush upstairs to tell Jungsu. He throws his arms around the older man and giggles his happiness into the other’s neck. There’s something else in those eyes when they part and it’s so very different from the gentleness of the past; there’s desire there and Hankyung is reeling from the shock as Jungsu pushes him against the desk, the math books tumbling to the ground and they’re inches from each other and he knows that Jungsu wants him, even as the other manages to turn away at the last moment. It’s reckless and powerful and consuming and Hankyung starts to understand.
They run into each other years later, when Jungsu is walking hand in hand with another man and they stare at each other, until Hankyung sees that something resurfacing in those eyes. He sees the ring on Jungsu’s finger and he walks away without a word. The want still burning in those eyes made him feel uncertain.
Hankyung meets a boy called Hyukjae in the dance studios at school. Hankyung goes there every morning to practice and he dances his heart out in that small mirrored room and he doesn’t need to control his feelings and his desires and his wishes, because it’s just him and his reflection. Until one day, when he’s halfway through a pirouette, there’s suddenly a squeak as the door is pushed open and there’s a boy with wide eyes, staring at him and pulling him into a dance. They dance together and watch each other dance, in the mornings and late into the night. Hyukjae is funny and innocent and cute and they laugh over bottles of water and wet towels. The smaller man dances wonderfully and Hankyung is so glad to have someone to challenge him, to learn with, to grow alongside, that he forgets about himself, about what he can do and when he shows his new friend his favourite dance, he realizes too late what he has done when Hyukjae’s eyes glaze over and he grabs Hankyung mid-dance and presses a strong kiss onto his lips. There’s a tongue slipping into his mouth, when the other suddenly pulls back and stares at Hankyung with horror and apologies in his eyes. Hyukjae runs out and Hankyung never see him in the studio again. There was lust in those innocent eyes, and Hankyung feels dirty.
He learns to control it shortly after that, wielding it more precisely and delicately. He is careful, never going overboard, never pushing for too much. He gets drunk one day though, on the night of his graduation and the entire group is out dancing and partying. The alcohol has been flowing freely for hours and everyone was laughing, happy and crazy, the music pounding and Hankyung watches Heechul dance on a table and Ryeowook and Yesung cuddling in the corner. Siwon is trying to DJ and Hankyung lets Yunho and Junsu drag him into the middle of the dance floor. There are bodies everywhere and Hankyung lets people grind into him and he’s dancing like he’s never danced before, because it was okay to be free here, because that was what people were supposed to do. So he dances until there are dark eyes on him and he is flustered from the press of bodies and the heat all around. He stumbles back to the booth and he tilts his back and leans down on the seat. Hankyung doesn’t realize Ryeowook is there until he almost hits the other as he arches into a stretch. They talk and laugh and drink from the same bottle; sharing future aspirations and relationship history and hobbies and touches, because there’s a soft hand on his thigh and an even softer mouth on his neck. Hankyung doesn’t think he has ever heard that beautiful voice pitched so low and Hankyung is too drunk to do anything as the shy singer straddles Hankyung’s hips and there’s hands sliding under thin clothes when there’s the shattering of glass and they look up to see the horrified look on Yesung’s face.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, wasn’t who Ryeowook was and he sees the loss and confusion on the boy’s face and Hankyung is scared of what he can do.
It’s his first day in university and they are put into groups and Hankyung is pushed into a seat next to a boy with a wide, happy smile and sparkling eyes. They whisper to each other all the way through the lecture and make faces when the teacher turns his back. Hankyung lets Donghae drag him all the way through the campus, even though the other didn’t know it either and they get lost and end up eating the half sandwich Donghae finds in his bag. Hankyung likes Donghae and he knows they can be great buddies if he can just be careful. He’s careful to not get drunk or dance with him too close or smile too much, even though he knows that Donghae loves dancing and the other is always complaining about how Hankyung never smiles enough. Then one day, Donghae comes to him after all the classes had ended and there’s no smile on that face. Donghae walks up to him and grabs him and buries his face into Hankyung’s neck and Hankyung holds the younger man in his arms as tears wet his shirt. Hankyung hears about the loss of Donghae’s father through muffled sobs and he tears up too. Then Donghae is looking at him with softening eyes, still glistening with tears, but as if really seeing for the first time and Hankyung moves fast, the hand striking out just as the other leaned in. He hugs Donghae as the other crumble and he holds his friend tightly for the rest of the night. And he hopes he was fast enough.
When Hankyung first tugs his suitcase into his dormitory, there’s already another suitcase propped up against the bed near the window, even though there is no one there. The room is small, the two beds pushed to the opposite ends of the room yet, still almost together and the plaster coming away slightly when Hankyung scratched a finger on the fading white walls. He meets his room mate later, as he is reading a book, lying on his front, long legs swinging in the air. Hankyung looks up as the door clicks open and he sees dark, dark eyes and high cheekbones and they nod and introduce themselves, before the other goes off to the bathroom. Hankyung rolls the name, Cho Kyuhyun, on his tongue and hopes they get along well.
They don’t really talk for the first week, little bits of chit chat here and there- as they get ready in the mornings (they’re both morning people, even though Kyuhyun gets up even earlier than Hankyung does, meaning before 6am and he wonders why Kyuhyun does that when he sleeps so late) and when they’re both just hanging around (although that’s rare because Donghae is just down the corridor and is always dragging him places and Hankyung doesn’t know where Kyuhyun goes most of the time). Hankyung learns that Kyuhyun is a law student, young (two years younger; not that much, he thinks) and here on a scholarship. He learns that the other is a game whizz and that he hates exercise. That’s all he learns because Kyuhyun is quiet and Hankyung is too, and they barely talk at all. Hankyung doesn’t think he has to worry about his powers with this one.
Hankyung comes back one day, to find Kyuhyun already there, which never happens and he knows something is wrong, when Kyuhyun doesn’t even turn to look at him, because whilst they are not close, the other always acknowledge him with a soft smile or a nod whenever they see each other. Hankyung finds Kyuhyun curled up on the bed, clutching his stomach, obviously in pain, hair slightly damp and Hankyung doesn’t even think about it when he forces down a painkiller and warm water and rubs Kyuhyun’s back until that tense body was relaxing and he was no longer curled up tight. Hankyung makes Kyuhyun rice and eggs that tonight and he throws out all the junk food and cup noodles, announcing firmly that he was going to make sure the other ate actual food from now on. He gets a smile, a warm, bright smile, the first one he’s seen from the other and Hankyung thinks it’s the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and something flares in the back of his brain in warning.
They talk more after that, Hankyung staying in the room more and Kyuhyun playing his games less. And they go out each night, to the cafeteria and they eat together. It’s a quiet affair and it’s nothing like when Hankyung eats with Donghae, all laughter and food flying everywhere, but Kyuhyun eats everything Hankyung orders and there’s a soft smile on those lips and it’s comfortable. Hankyung learns that Kyuhyun hates cauliflower and that black is his favorite colour and that the other is actually quite snarky and that the only things Kyuhyun wears are long sleeved shirts and the school polo. The smiles come more easily now, natural and there’s laughter too and Hankyung thinks Kyuhyun has a wonderful laugh, low and rich and quietly exciting. It makes him feel warm, but he doesn’t want to think about that; he doesn’t dare.
The months pass and Hankyung spends as much time with Kyuhyun as he does with Donghae, (the two of them get along well enough, although Kyuhyun is extra snarky when the other is around, Donghae extra touchy and they bicker more than they chat). Hankyung no longer feel like he’s intruding if he walks in on the Kyuhyun practicing for a mock trial, he sits there and listens or even provides arguments for the other to work with, and Kyuhyun is comfortable enough to sit down on his bed while Hankyung is flipping through the dictionary and the books and point out where he is going wrong. They settle into a quiet sort of routine- they’d walk to the main building together each morning, parting only as Hankyung turns off to go to the dance studios and Kyuhyun in the opposite way. They’d meet in the cafeteria, only to buy food though, they eat outside in the gardens, or under the undercroft if it is raining, the three of them, or just the two of them sometimes and they would talk about their teachers and classmates, what they learnt and forgot to learn and all the happenings around the school. Then there’s the times where they would just sit there, shoulders touching, not saying anything, just staring out at the lawn, either shining under the sun or glistening in the rain and they would just breathe together. It is times like that, that Hankyung allows himself to think about his power and what could- would- happen if he wanted it to.
Hankyung doesn’t really know what they are to each other, nearly a year later, only that Kyuhyun is a part of his life now and he can’t imagine a day without the other. Hankyung learns that Kyuhyun doesn’t even want to be a lawyer, it’s his father’s dream, his grandfather’s dream, not his and because he respects them, Kyuhyun doesn’t tell them of his own dream, the one filled with soaring notes and sheet music and the soft crescendo of the pianos and violins. He tells Hankyung though, when they are sitting on the floor, leaning against the foot of Hankyung’s bed, knees knocking against each other softly. Hankyung tells Kyuhyun about his family, his past girlfriends, his dreams and aspirations. He tells the other that he has a secret he’ll share if Kyuhyun gets a perfect score on his report (Hankyung tells himself he will tell the other how he feels then and he feels safe because no one ever gets a perfect score here) and he tells the other about his power. He says it in the dark of their room, when the lights are off and the only brightness is the shine from their eyes and Kyuhyun laughs and asks him why he hadn’t jumped Hankyung yet then. Hankyung snores slightly and he doesn’t admit to Kyuhyun of all the times he had to control himself. He doesn’t admit to himself that perhaps he is in love for the first time.
He falls harder than he can ever imagine, because he doesn’t know what love is, what fighting for love is like. Love- or rather, infatuation- has always came to him, found him and clung to him and Hankyung had never wanted it. He wanted it now, but it wouldn’t come to him, he wouldn’t let it come to him; not this way. Hankyung wants it to be real, to feel what people should feel, to hurt and to love and experience it all.
It hurts more than he thinks though, when he comes back one day and there is a girl there, sitting on Kyuhyun’s bed, the bed that only Hankyung had sat on and he smiles at them, even if he is screaming tooclosetooclose inside and he tries to ignore the way they had jumped apart; he didn’t want to think about what they had been doing. He doesn’t have to think about it though, because weeks later, he finds out for himself. He’s lying in the dark waiting for Kyuhyun to come back, hoping that he would be back soon from his date, because Hankyung is lonely and he needs that smile and that voice and that touch.
Then he’s squeezing his eyes shut and hoping he can shut his ears too, because Kyuhyun isn’t alone and there’s movement and the rustling of sheets and the squeak of the mattress and there’s breathing, Hankyung doesn’t ever want to hear Kyuhyun breathe like that, not unless it’s with him and he lies there, because he has to, trying not to listen, but still able to hear everything. He traces Kyuhyun’s name into the flaking plaster and he ignores the silent tears that spill as he hears Kyuhyun’s breathing become less and less even. Kyuhyun was back, but Hankyung had never felt more alone.
Hankyung feels blind after that, there’s a sharp stabbing of sorts inside of him and his heart feels like it’s been stood on and trampled into broken shards and oozing red. He can’t face Kyuhyun, not without it hurting enough to leave him gasping, so he meets other people instead, people he doesn’t love and doesn’t need to protect (he tries not to think, from himself). His power spins free and wild and Hankyung doesn’t even care, because he’s worked so hard to keep it all inside and it had led him to near destruction. It was his power, his destiny and he was foolish to temper it for a boy who only wounds him. So he lets it free and watches it work; it had grown stronger over its time in hibernation. There are girls giggling at him and he has love letters and chocolates stuffed into his locker and the boys smile and stands closer and Hankyung is invited to all the parties and all the clubs. He doesn’t care about them, because he realizes they can’t help, can’t even begin to mend the hole Kyuhyun had left gaping inside of him.
Then Hankyung finds a person that can-even if it’s a little, a person that had always been there, with him, beside him, that he had even liked for a little, before he had met Kyuhyun and forgot about the rest of the world.
It’s a day off and all the teachers are having a conference and they sneak into an empty office- the homophobic economic teacher’s- and Hankyung smiles, really smiles, the way he smiles at Kyuhyun and soon there are hands cupping his face, a tongue onside his mouth and he’s being shoved up against the wooden desk. Hankyung lets the other lie him down and strip him bare and he feels like the biggest asshole, because fuck Donghae wasn’t even gay and then he’s crying as Donghae rocks against him, pushing deeper and deeper and they send the reports scattering. It hurts, inside and out, because it’s all pent up desire and repressed feelings and there’s no preparation, because Donghae has waited long enough (too long). It burns, slow and sharp, because it’s rough and hard against the hard edge of the desk and against the pens on the desk, but Hankyung doesn’t cry because of that. He cries because it’s not just because of his power, that Donghae actually loved him and he’s ruining that love because even now, he’s staring at Kyuhyun’s face pressed up against his on the desk. And at the perfect scores typed neatly below, black stark on the white paper. Stark and burning his retinas, like the red against hs skin and the white against the dark wood of the desk, like Kyuhyun’s face among a crowd.
It’s been a week since he was in that classroom, a week since he ruined Donghae’s life and he can’t bring himself to return the smiles that Donghae gives him. There is a pretty girl named Victoria who talks to him and calls him gege and makes him smile. She follows him for a while, touching, sweet, smile nice as she can make it. But, that doesn’t last long because there is a guy named Nichkhun who comes and takes Victoria away. Hankyung can’t even seem to put up the same effort to care. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the disgust he feels or if it’s because this power of his has a limit. All he knows is that he’s starting to make Donghae worry.
Donghae comes to him where he is sitting alone on the floor of the music room. He has taken to hiding there because he knows he won’t find Kyuhyun there. And it’s there that Donghae finds him. He says nothing as Donghae sits next to him, leans his head on Hankyung’s shoulder. It’s like he’s numb, like this moment doesn’t exist. He keeps telling himself that he imagined it, that it didn’t happen, that Donghae is still innocent and that he is still just suffering alone.
He knows it’s not a dream when Donghae leans over and kisses him, the kiss a bit too hard, a bit too desperate as Donghae forces all his confusion into Hankyung. Hankyung takes it because he is responsible for this, for whatever Donghae is feeling. He kisses back wishing that it were different, that Donghae had never loved him, that he had never met this boy because all it does is hurt. But this pain is good because he deserves it, deserves it for what he is going to do and for what he knows is coming.
It happens a week later. He’s in his room, Donghae is supposed to come over in a while. He hasn’t moved from the room since he heard that the scores came out. He doesn’t want to move because even though he knows it’s stupid, even though he knows Kyuhyun has probably forgotten, there is still part of him that wishes that Kyuhyun would remember. There is a part of him that wants to let go and open up and a part of him that wants to give in and let his power go. There is a part of him that wants Kyuhyun to want him even if it’s not real.
But, then there’s the other part. There is that part that wants to hope and cling to the maybe. There is that part that wants to believe that maybe someday in some way Kyuhyun will come to him, of his own will. He doesn’t know if this is good. He just knows that it hurts, that there is too much pain, pain that he never bargained for.
He’s looking at his dictionary wondering if he can make words come together in some way that doesn’t require effort. He wonders what it would be like to have things just happen, to have things just go. But, it doesn’t work that way. Things, those words, anything, has to be helped along. The sentences won’t form if he doesn’t push the words together and maybe Kyuhyun won’t come if he doesn’t give him a small push.
The possibility of having Kyuhyun give in, of having Kyuhyun come to him, hold him, tell him what Hankyung so desperately wants to hear, it’s too much. It’s like a fish line dragging him in. He wants it. It would be so easy, so easy, all he has to do is let go.
“Hankyung?”
The voice belongs to Kyuhyun. It runs along Hankyung’s spine, over his shoulders and he has to repress a shudder.
“Finally here huh?”
Hankyung can’t answer so he just turns and there is Kyuhyun sitting on his bed, so close that Hankyung can see every one of those eyelashes, but he does nothing. He is scared to move, scared to breathe because he is afraid that maybe he will do something wrong. He is so close to letting go and watching Kyuhyun come undone. He wants it almost too much, but having Kyuhyun here now helps him make up his mind.
He can’t do it.
He can’t because he wants this to be real. He wants Kyuhyun to come to him of his own free will, wants Kyuhyun the right way. It’s intense, a burning desire, and he’s addicted to it.
“They gave out the scores today.” Kyuhyun says almost too softly. “I got mine back.”
Hankyung nods, isn’t sure if he’s supposed to say anything.
“I got a perfect score.”
He doesn’t know what they’re doing, doesn’t understand why Kyuhyun us being like this, why it’s so hard when everything used to be so easy. He doesn’t get why his heart feels like it’s trying to rip itself out of his chest. It takes him a moment to come up with something to say and when he does he doesn’t voice it out loud. He can’t because there is something in the back of his head that stops him. Kyuhyun and her, it will always be that way, not him and Kyuhyun, never that and he has to wrap his head around that.
“Congratulations.” Hankyung chokes out.
“Is that really all you were going to tell me?” Kyuhyun asks and there is almost some laughter there. “I didn’t work so hard for a congratulations. Why don’t you tell me what you were going to tell me?”
Hankyung says nothing because this is where he runs, this is where he gets up and leaves, this is where he goes to Donghae to hide, to forget, to numb the pain and desire. He wants this, wants to tell Kyuhyun, wants to see the surprise, the response. He wants it almost as bad as he wants Kyuhyun in him, moving with him. It’s in all different shades of red, red for desire and fire and want, red for this, for what he feels. He says nothing just looks Kyuhyun in the eyes and plays it all.
He doesn’t expect Kyuhyun’s lips to be so yielding, doesn’t expect the urgency with which Kyuhyun kisses back, as if Hankyung were his air, the very oxygen he needed. It’s different from that time with Hyukjae because this is slow and burning and it sets fire all over Hankyung’s body. It’s different and Hankyung’s hands are in Kyuhyun’s hair, their bodies pressed together.
It’s Kyuhyun pushing him down on the bed, the papers with his scores flying off the bed as Kyuhyun grabs Hankyung’s face in his hands. It’s like falling Hankyung realizes, love is exactly like falling, because it’s the same rush, the same instinct to stop it, to push away, to hold on to something. But, it’s so different too because Hankyung gives in and doesn’t want to stop it, it’s too good, too right to push Kyuhyun away.
He’s lying down, gasping as Kyuhyun’s hands start with his clothes. They say nothing because there is nothing to say, nothing to say because this is something that Hankyung knows how to do. He knows how to give in because it’s Kyuhyun and because it’s Kyuhyun he will always give in.
It’s a whirlwind of emotions, feeling, of pictures, flashes of things Hankyung always wanted and never had. It’s the feeling he had for his first girlfriend. It’s the way his heart thrummed when Jessica held onto his arms. It’s the power he felt when Jungsu stared at him. It’s Hyukjae and Ryeowook and everyone else, but better. It’s better because this is real and he knows it, better because he lets go and it doesn’t matter that Kyuhyun is pressing harder, wanting more, needing more. It’s okay because Hankyung knows, he felt it, knows that Kyuhyun wanted this even before Hankyung let go.
This time it’s different. There is pain but the burn is good, it makes Hankyung feel alive, wanted, full. There are tears again but for a different reason, tears because this is right and he wanted this for so long and he has it and it can’t be real. There are tears because Kyuhyun is murmuring words in his ear and Hankyung wants to believe them with all his heart and it hurts because he is repeating those same words. It hurts, the pain so good to him as Kyuhyun presses harder, deeper, making this real, making this right.
“Hankyung?”
The voice by the door, he recognizes it, knows who it belongs to and he can’t help the pain in his heart when he looks up and meets Donghae’s eyes. He’s standing there by the door watching Hankyung, watching how Kyuhyun has his hands all over him, how they’re lying together, legs tangled, hands clutching. Hankyung knows that look, knows that pain because he’s felt it before, he’s lived it and he knows that it’s his own heart breaking as he looks at Donghae. It’s him falling to pieces, his world crumbling, his innocence gone, not Donghae’s, it can’t be Donghae’s.
Donghae doesn’t deserve this, not Donghae, not Donghae who was always been there, who picked him up, who loved him. No, Donghae doesn’t deserve this and before he knows what he’s doing, he’s up, clothes on and he’s running after Donghae. He doesn’t even look back, just keeps going because he catches a glimpse of Donghae turning the corner. He keeps going, knowing that he has to make this right, that he has to fix this because it isn’t fair, it isn’t right. No, Donghae should not be sad.
He catches Donghae just as the other boy is heading for the flight of stairs. Hankyung’s arms wrap themselves around Donghae, so familiar, so easy. It had always been this easy, to just to do it, to let himself go. It had been easy with Donghae because Donghae loved him.
“Let me go.”
The tears behind the voice break Hankyung’s heart to pieces and he has to remind himself that this is his fault, that he deserves this, that he has no reason to cry, no right to do it, because the tears that are now soaking his arms are his fault.
“I’m sorry.” He says.
So inadequate, so false, words are nothing. But, he is sorry. He is sorry that Donghae hurts because he knows what it’s like to feel hurt. He’s sorry that he ruined what was so innocent and pure and right. He is sorry that he broke the one person he knew he would be able to turn to when he was broken.
“You love him don’t you?”
Hankyung says nothing because this isn’t happening. It can’t be happening. He didn’t think that love was like this. He didn’t expect it to be this hard, the decision on his lips ready to fall, but his heart not letting him say it. Donghae goes limp in his arms and Hankyung doesn’t realize that he’s said it out loud.
“Yes.”
This should be the moment where he has his epiphany. This is where he realizes that he’s been lying to himself all this time, where he realizes that he loves Donghae. This is where it all becomes clear, except it doesn’t because he still wants to run back to his room, back to Kyuhyun, feels like he’s lighter than air. Then there is the other part of him who still holds Donghae and who knows that what he’s done is wrong. He can’t understand it, how something so innocent, how the boy he knew became this, someone who can hurt, someone who can bring pain. He doesn’t understand how he managed to break Donghae, Donghae who was always laughter and hugs and smiles, Donghae who was pure.
“I’m sorry.” Donghae says after a while. “I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.”
Hankyung wants to say that yes he is enough, that this isn’t the way it was supposed to be, that he is sorry, that he wants to give it a try. He wants to but he can’t because there’s Kyuhyun, there was always Kyuhyun and as long as there is Kyuhyun, he won’t be able to do it.
He watches Donghae walk away and wants to go after him, but knows he can’t. He turns around and when he gets back to his room there is Kyuhyun looking at the paper with the scores.
“You should have said something.”
Hankyung can’t bring himself to answer because this hurts too. He finds himself on his knees crying because it shouldn’t have been this way, it should have been nice and simple and it shouldn’t hurt this way. Kyuhyun is there, holding him, words murmured into his hair. Hankyung doesn’t know what happens, all he knows is that Kyuhyun gets him up and into his arms and into the bed. Hankyung lies down and it’s Kyuhyun who brings him food, who watches him, who promises to stay by his side. It’s Kyuhyun who refuses to go away.
Hankyung finds it so easy to let himself go. He lets Kyuhyun slip into bed with him, lets Kyuhyun put an arm around him, lets Kyuhyun read to him. He lets Kyuhyun murmur those three words in his hair, on his lips, against his neck when they’re moving at night. It would be perfect if Hankyung didn’t keep seeing Donghae, didn’t see the way those eyes burn with pain every time he walks by with Kyuhyun’s hand wrapped around his.
It comes to the point where he can’t take it anymore and he tells Kyuhyun and Kyuhyun says it isn’t his fault except it is. It is his fault because he should have kept it inside, he should have been able to control himself. If he hadn’t let go, then maybe Donghae would still smile even if he was hurting inside. And that would have been better because now not only does Donghae not smile, but he’s also hurting inside and outside.
Hankyung starts to forget after a while or if not forget then numb because Kyuhyun is there and Kyuhyun makes it better.
Donghae transfers a week later.
//
and yes you can all go kill ana now ;__; *squishes donghae*
Happy Valentines day everyone <3
I already posted most of this as a part of my WIP post before, but a few people wanted this finished and because I'm a lazybutt, my twin Ana static_abyss finished it instead!
(for anyone curious, ana wrote the part after the classroom encounter. so you can all go kill her for the ending heheheh)
Title: Pure
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Hangeng, Hanhae as well as many other geng-pairings
Rating: R?
Genre: angst, smut
Summary: Hankyung has the power to make anyone fall in love with him without even trying. Everything and everyone comes easily to him...until he meets the one person worth trying for.
Pure
Hankyung has the power to make people fall in love with him. It was simple and easy and it came to him as naturally as breathing. He was fated to capture people, to change them, to be wanted, to be desired, to make them lose themselves for him. He was meant to be loved, to be happy; to never have to desire without receiving, never to have to ache for love. It was his gift, his power, his destiny.
He was only eight when it first happened, a boy with scruffy knees and messy hair and dirt across his face. He runs around with the boys in the neighbourhood, tossing balls and playing hide and seek and peeking at the girl who lived in the pretty white house on the corner. The house has a neatedly trimmed lawn and a polished oak door, and all the boys would hide behind the row of bushes near the house to see her as she comes out each afternoon, in white dresses with colourful bows and shiny black shoes. She is pretty, with large eyes and she looks exactly like a doll; she never speaks and she’s never interested in anything and she’s a mystery. Hankyung runs into her accidently, he’s fetching a badly thrown ball that lands on the perfectly trimmed grass and he’s thin so he can slip through easier and suddenly she’s there, all white frills and silk bows (green today he notices even as he tries not to look) and he almost bumps into her. Her eyes are wider than usual, shining and soft and she stares at him and she helps him up, wiping away the dirt on his face with her pure white hankerchief. She keeps staring until he runs off, her gaze following him all the way up the street. Hankyung had managed to capture her attention and it excited him in a way that made the blood rush through him.
That was the start, but he was too young to understand, to believe. He had just turned twelve when there was a dance at school and Hankyung is dared to take the prettiest girl in the school, the ice princess who never smiles and has turned down every single person to ever ask her out. He approached her awkwardly, all uncertain glances and trying to not sound too hopeless, managing to flash her a weak smile. She freezes and her eyes flicker and something changes and it was just like years ago, only this time it’s stronger and Hankyung becomes the talk of the school when he ends up taking Jessica to the dance, her arms wrapped tightly around his as they danced all night and she’s smiling and there’s not a trace of ice in her eyes, only fire and heat. She had changed because of him and he was exhilarated.
He gets a tutor a couple of years later, when he is almost 16, a slender, pretty man named Jungsu. They study mathematics, twice a week, the older man sitting beside him as they worked through the jumble of numbers and equations. Jungsu was not that much older than Hankyung and there was a sweetness and kindness that was always there in those eyes and even if Hankyung messed up the easiest questions, the other would just smile and slowly teach him how to work it out and Hankyung sometimes purposely did something wrong, just so Jungsu would lean closer and show him, because maybe, just maybe he had a tiny little crush. He gets a 98% on the exam and his parents are beaming as he rush upstairs to tell Jungsu. He throws his arms around the older man and giggles his happiness into the other’s neck. There’s something else in those eyes when they part and it’s so very different from the gentleness of the past; there’s desire there and Hankyung is reeling from the shock as Jungsu pushes him against the desk, the math books tumbling to the ground and they’re inches from each other and he knows that Jungsu wants him, even as the other manages to turn away at the last moment. It’s reckless and powerful and consuming and Hankyung starts to understand.
They run into each other years later, when Jungsu is walking hand in hand with another man and they stare at each other, until Hankyung sees that something resurfacing in those eyes. He sees the ring on Jungsu’s finger and he walks away without a word. The want still burning in those eyes made him feel uncertain.
Hankyung meets a boy called Hyukjae in the dance studios at school. Hankyung goes there every morning to practice and he dances his heart out in that small mirrored room and he doesn’t need to control his feelings and his desires and his wishes, because it’s just him and his reflection. Until one day, when he’s halfway through a pirouette, there’s suddenly a squeak as the door is pushed open and there’s a boy with wide eyes, staring at him and pulling him into a dance. They dance together and watch each other dance, in the mornings and late into the night. Hyukjae is funny and innocent and cute and they laugh over bottles of water and wet towels. The smaller man dances wonderfully and Hankyung is so glad to have someone to challenge him, to learn with, to grow alongside, that he forgets about himself, about what he can do and when he shows his new friend his favourite dance, he realizes too late what he has done when Hyukjae’s eyes glaze over and he grabs Hankyung mid-dance and presses a strong kiss onto his lips. There’s a tongue slipping into his mouth, when the other suddenly pulls back and stares at Hankyung with horror and apologies in his eyes. Hyukjae runs out and Hankyung never see him in the studio again. There was lust in those innocent eyes, and Hankyung feels dirty.
He learns to control it shortly after that, wielding it more precisely and delicately. He is careful, never going overboard, never pushing for too much. He gets drunk one day though, on the night of his graduation and the entire group is out dancing and partying. The alcohol has been flowing freely for hours and everyone was laughing, happy and crazy, the music pounding and Hankyung watches Heechul dance on a table and Ryeowook and Yesung cuddling in the corner. Siwon is trying to DJ and Hankyung lets Yunho and Junsu drag him into the middle of the dance floor. There are bodies everywhere and Hankyung lets people grind into him and he’s dancing like he’s never danced before, because it was okay to be free here, because that was what people were supposed to do. So he dances until there are dark eyes on him and he is flustered from the press of bodies and the heat all around. He stumbles back to the booth and he tilts his back and leans down on the seat. Hankyung doesn’t realize Ryeowook is there until he almost hits the other as he arches into a stretch. They talk and laugh and drink from the same bottle; sharing future aspirations and relationship history and hobbies and touches, because there’s a soft hand on his thigh and an even softer mouth on his neck. Hankyung doesn’t think he has ever heard that beautiful voice pitched so low and Hankyung is too drunk to do anything as the shy singer straddles Hankyung’s hips and there’s hands sliding under thin clothes when there’s the shattering of glass and they look up to see the horrified look on Yesung’s face.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, wasn’t who Ryeowook was and he sees the loss and confusion on the boy’s face and Hankyung is scared of what he can do.
It’s his first day in university and they are put into groups and Hankyung is pushed into a seat next to a boy with a wide, happy smile and sparkling eyes. They whisper to each other all the way through the lecture and make faces when the teacher turns his back. Hankyung lets Donghae drag him all the way through the campus, even though the other didn’t know it either and they get lost and end up eating the half sandwich Donghae finds in his bag. Hankyung likes Donghae and he knows they can be great buddies if he can just be careful. He’s careful to not get drunk or dance with him too close or smile too much, even though he knows that Donghae loves dancing and the other is always complaining about how Hankyung never smiles enough. Then one day, Donghae comes to him after all the classes had ended and there’s no smile on that face. Donghae walks up to him and grabs him and buries his face into Hankyung’s neck and Hankyung holds the younger man in his arms as tears wet his shirt. Hankyung hears about the loss of Donghae’s father through muffled sobs and he tears up too. Then Donghae is looking at him with softening eyes, still glistening with tears, but as if really seeing for the first time and Hankyung moves fast, the hand striking out just as the other leaned in. He hugs Donghae as the other crumble and he holds his friend tightly for the rest of the night. And he hopes he was fast enough.
When Hankyung first tugs his suitcase into his dormitory, there’s already another suitcase propped up against the bed near the window, even though there is no one there. The room is small, the two beds pushed to the opposite ends of the room yet, still almost together and the plaster coming away slightly when Hankyung scratched a finger on the fading white walls. He meets his room mate later, as he is reading a book, lying on his front, long legs swinging in the air. Hankyung looks up as the door clicks open and he sees dark, dark eyes and high cheekbones and they nod and introduce themselves, before the other goes off to the bathroom. Hankyung rolls the name, Cho Kyuhyun, on his tongue and hopes they get along well.
They don’t really talk for the first week, little bits of chit chat here and there- as they get ready in the mornings (they’re both morning people, even though Kyuhyun gets up even earlier than Hankyung does, meaning before 6am and he wonders why Kyuhyun does that when he sleeps so late) and when they’re both just hanging around (although that’s rare because Donghae is just down the corridor and is always dragging him places and Hankyung doesn’t know where Kyuhyun goes most of the time). Hankyung learns that Kyuhyun is a law student, young (two years younger; not that much, he thinks) and here on a scholarship. He learns that the other is a game whizz and that he hates exercise. That’s all he learns because Kyuhyun is quiet and Hankyung is too, and they barely talk at all. Hankyung doesn’t think he has to worry about his powers with this one.
Hankyung comes back one day, to find Kyuhyun already there, which never happens and he knows something is wrong, when Kyuhyun doesn’t even turn to look at him, because whilst they are not close, the other always acknowledge him with a soft smile or a nod whenever they see each other. Hankyung finds Kyuhyun curled up on the bed, clutching his stomach, obviously in pain, hair slightly damp and Hankyung doesn’t even think about it when he forces down a painkiller and warm water and rubs Kyuhyun’s back until that tense body was relaxing and he was no longer curled up tight. Hankyung makes Kyuhyun rice and eggs that tonight and he throws out all the junk food and cup noodles, announcing firmly that he was going to make sure the other ate actual food from now on. He gets a smile, a warm, bright smile, the first one he’s seen from the other and Hankyung thinks it’s the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and something flares in the back of his brain in warning.
They talk more after that, Hankyung staying in the room more and Kyuhyun playing his games less. And they go out each night, to the cafeteria and they eat together. It’s a quiet affair and it’s nothing like when Hankyung eats with Donghae, all laughter and food flying everywhere, but Kyuhyun eats everything Hankyung orders and there’s a soft smile on those lips and it’s comfortable. Hankyung learns that Kyuhyun hates cauliflower and that black is his favorite colour and that the other is actually quite snarky and that the only things Kyuhyun wears are long sleeved shirts and the school polo. The smiles come more easily now, natural and there’s laughter too and Hankyung thinks Kyuhyun has a wonderful laugh, low and rich and quietly exciting. It makes him feel warm, but he doesn’t want to think about that; he doesn’t dare.
The months pass and Hankyung spends as much time with Kyuhyun as he does with Donghae, (the two of them get along well enough, although Kyuhyun is extra snarky when the other is around, Donghae extra touchy and they bicker more than they chat). Hankyung no longer feel like he’s intruding if he walks in on the Kyuhyun practicing for a mock trial, he sits there and listens or even provides arguments for the other to work with, and Kyuhyun is comfortable enough to sit down on his bed while Hankyung is flipping through the dictionary and the books and point out where he is going wrong. They settle into a quiet sort of routine- they’d walk to the main building together each morning, parting only as Hankyung turns off to go to the dance studios and Kyuhyun in the opposite way. They’d meet in the cafeteria, only to buy food though, they eat outside in the gardens, or under the undercroft if it is raining, the three of them, or just the two of them sometimes and they would talk about their teachers and classmates, what they learnt and forgot to learn and all the happenings around the school. Then there’s the times where they would just sit there, shoulders touching, not saying anything, just staring out at the lawn, either shining under the sun or glistening in the rain and they would just breathe together. It is times like that, that Hankyung allows himself to think about his power and what could- would- happen if he wanted it to.
Hankyung doesn’t really know what they are to each other, nearly a year later, only that Kyuhyun is a part of his life now and he can’t imagine a day without the other. Hankyung learns that Kyuhyun doesn’t even want to be a lawyer, it’s his father’s dream, his grandfather’s dream, not his and because he respects them, Kyuhyun doesn’t tell them of his own dream, the one filled with soaring notes and sheet music and the soft crescendo of the pianos and violins. He tells Hankyung though, when they are sitting on the floor, leaning against the foot of Hankyung’s bed, knees knocking against each other softly. Hankyung tells Kyuhyun about his family, his past girlfriends, his dreams and aspirations. He tells the other that he has a secret he’ll share if Kyuhyun gets a perfect score on his report (Hankyung tells himself he will tell the other how he feels then and he feels safe because no one ever gets a perfect score here) and he tells the other about his power. He says it in the dark of their room, when the lights are off and the only brightness is the shine from their eyes and Kyuhyun laughs and asks him why he hadn’t jumped Hankyung yet then. Hankyung snores slightly and he doesn’t admit to Kyuhyun of all the times he had to control himself. He doesn’t admit to himself that perhaps he is in love for the first time.
He falls harder than he can ever imagine, because he doesn’t know what love is, what fighting for love is like. Love- or rather, infatuation- has always came to him, found him and clung to him and Hankyung had never wanted it. He wanted it now, but it wouldn’t come to him, he wouldn’t let it come to him; not this way. Hankyung wants it to be real, to feel what people should feel, to hurt and to love and experience it all.
It hurts more than he thinks though, when he comes back one day and there is a girl there, sitting on Kyuhyun’s bed, the bed that only Hankyung had sat on and he smiles at them, even if he is screaming tooclosetooclose inside and he tries to ignore the way they had jumped apart; he didn’t want to think about what they had been doing. He doesn’t have to think about it though, because weeks later, he finds out for himself. He’s lying in the dark waiting for Kyuhyun to come back, hoping that he would be back soon from his date, because Hankyung is lonely and he needs that smile and that voice and that touch.
Then he’s squeezing his eyes shut and hoping he can shut his ears too, because Kyuhyun isn’t alone and there’s movement and the rustling of sheets and the squeak of the mattress and there’s breathing, Hankyung doesn’t ever want to hear Kyuhyun breathe like that, not unless it’s with him and he lies there, because he has to, trying not to listen, but still able to hear everything. He traces Kyuhyun’s name into the flaking plaster and he ignores the silent tears that spill as he hears Kyuhyun’s breathing become less and less even. Kyuhyun was back, but Hankyung had never felt more alone.
Hankyung feels blind after that, there’s a sharp stabbing of sorts inside of him and his heart feels like it’s been stood on and trampled into broken shards and oozing red. He can’t face Kyuhyun, not without it hurting enough to leave him gasping, so he meets other people instead, people he doesn’t love and doesn’t need to protect (he tries not to think, from himself). His power spins free and wild and Hankyung doesn’t even care, because he’s worked so hard to keep it all inside and it had led him to near destruction. It was his power, his destiny and he was foolish to temper it for a boy who only wounds him. So he lets it free and watches it work; it had grown stronger over its time in hibernation. There are girls giggling at him and he has love letters and chocolates stuffed into his locker and the boys smile and stands closer and Hankyung is invited to all the parties and all the clubs. He doesn’t care about them, because he realizes they can’t help, can’t even begin to mend the hole Kyuhyun had left gaping inside of him.
Then Hankyung finds a person that can-even if it’s a little, a person that had always been there, with him, beside him, that he had even liked for a little, before he had met Kyuhyun and forgot about the rest of the world.
It’s a day off and all the teachers are having a conference and they sneak into an empty office- the homophobic economic teacher’s- and Hankyung smiles, really smiles, the way he smiles at Kyuhyun and soon there are hands cupping his face, a tongue onside his mouth and he’s being shoved up against the wooden desk. Hankyung lets the other lie him down and strip him bare and he feels like the biggest asshole, because fuck Donghae wasn’t even gay and then he’s crying as Donghae rocks against him, pushing deeper and deeper and they send the reports scattering. It hurts, inside and out, because it’s all pent up desire and repressed feelings and there’s no preparation, because Donghae has waited long enough (too long). It burns, slow and sharp, because it’s rough and hard against the hard edge of the desk and against the pens on the desk, but Hankyung doesn’t cry because of that. He cries because it’s not just because of his power, that Donghae actually loved him and he’s ruining that love because even now, he’s staring at Kyuhyun’s face pressed up against his on the desk. And at the perfect scores typed neatly below, black stark on the white paper. Stark and burning his retinas, like the red against hs skin and the white against the dark wood of the desk, like Kyuhyun’s face among a crowd.
It’s been a week since he was in that classroom, a week since he ruined Donghae’s life and he can’t bring himself to return the smiles that Donghae gives him. There is a pretty girl named Victoria who talks to him and calls him gege and makes him smile. She follows him for a while, touching, sweet, smile nice as she can make it. But, that doesn’t last long because there is a guy named Nichkhun who comes and takes Victoria away. Hankyung can’t even seem to put up the same effort to care. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the disgust he feels or if it’s because this power of his has a limit. All he knows is that he’s starting to make Donghae worry.
Donghae comes to him where he is sitting alone on the floor of the music room. He has taken to hiding there because he knows he won’t find Kyuhyun there. And it’s there that Donghae finds him. He says nothing as Donghae sits next to him, leans his head on Hankyung’s shoulder. It’s like he’s numb, like this moment doesn’t exist. He keeps telling himself that he imagined it, that it didn’t happen, that Donghae is still innocent and that he is still just suffering alone.
He knows it’s not a dream when Donghae leans over and kisses him, the kiss a bit too hard, a bit too desperate as Donghae forces all his confusion into Hankyung. Hankyung takes it because he is responsible for this, for whatever Donghae is feeling. He kisses back wishing that it were different, that Donghae had never loved him, that he had never met this boy because all it does is hurt. But this pain is good because he deserves it, deserves it for what he is going to do and for what he knows is coming.
It happens a week later. He’s in his room, Donghae is supposed to come over in a while. He hasn’t moved from the room since he heard that the scores came out. He doesn’t want to move because even though he knows it’s stupid, even though he knows Kyuhyun has probably forgotten, there is still part of him that wishes that Kyuhyun would remember. There is a part of him that wants to let go and open up and a part of him that wants to give in and let his power go. There is a part of him that wants Kyuhyun to want him even if it’s not real.
But, then there’s the other part. There is that part that wants to hope and cling to the maybe. There is that part that wants to believe that maybe someday in some way Kyuhyun will come to him, of his own will. He doesn’t know if this is good. He just knows that it hurts, that there is too much pain, pain that he never bargained for.
He’s looking at his dictionary wondering if he can make words come together in some way that doesn’t require effort. He wonders what it would be like to have things just happen, to have things just go. But, it doesn’t work that way. Things, those words, anything, has to be helped along. The sentences won’t form if he doesn’t push the words together and maybe Kyuhyun won’t come if he doesn’t give him a small push.
The possibility of having Kyuhyun give in, of having Kyuhyun come to him, hold him, tell him what Hankyung so desperately wants to hear, it’s too much. It’s like a fish line dragging him in. He wants it. It would be so easy, so easy, all he has to do is let go.
“Hankyung?”
The voice belongs to Kyuhyun. It runs along Hankyung’s spine, over his shoulders and he has to repress a shudder.
“Finally here huh?”
Hankyung can’t answer so he just turns and there is Kyuhyun sitting on his bed, so close that Hankyung can see every one of those eyelashes, but he does nothing. He is scared to move, scared to breathe because he is afraid that maybe he will do something wrong. He is so close to letting go and watching Kyuhyun come undone. He wants it almost too much, but having Kyuhyun here now helps him make up his mind.
He can’t do it.
He can’t because he wants this to be real. He wants Kyuhyun to come to him of his own free will, wants Kyuhyun the right way. It’s intense, a burning desire, and he’s addicted to it.
“They gave out the scores today.” Kyuhyun says almost too softly. “I got mine back.”
Hankyung nods, isn’t sure if he’s supposed to say anything.
“I got a perfect score.”
He doesn’t know what they’re doing, doesn’t understand why Kyuhyun us being like this, why it’s so hard when everything used to be so easy. He doesn’t get why his heart feels like it’s trying to rip itself out of his chest. It takes him a moment to come up with something to say and when he does he doesn’t voice it out loud. He can’t because there is something in the back of his head that stops him. Kyuhyun and her, it will always be that way, not him and Kyuhyun, never that and he has to wrap his head around that.
“Congratulations.” Hankyung chokes out.
“Is that really all you were going to tell me?” Kyuhyun asks and there is almost some laughter there. “I didn’t work so hard for a congratulations. Why don’t you tell me what you were going to tell me?”
Hankyung says nothing because this is where he runs, this is where he gets up and leaves, this is where he goes to Donghae to hide, to forget, to numb the pain and desire. He wants this, wants to tell Kyuhyun, wants to see the surprise, the response. He wants it almost as bad as he wants Kyuhyun in him, moving with him. It’s in all different shades of red, red for desire and fire and want, red for this, for what he feels. He says nothing just looks Kyuhyun in the eyes and plays it all.
He doesn’t expect Kyuhyun’s lips to be so yielding, doesn’t expect the urgency with which Kyuhyun kisses back, as if Hankyung were his air, the very oxygen he needed. It’s different from that time with Hyukjae because this is slow and burning and it sets fire all over Hankyung’s body. It’s different and Hankyung’s hands are in Kyuhyun’s hair, their bodies pressed together.
It’s Kyuhyun pushing him down on the bed, the papers with his scores flying off the bed as Kyuhyun grabs Hankyung’s face in his hands. It’s like falling Hankyung realizes, love is exactly like falling, because it’s the same rush, the same instinct to stop it, to push away, to hold on to something. But, it’s so different too because Hankyung gives in and doesn’t want to stop it, it’s too good, too right to push Kyuhyun away.
He’s lying down, gasping as Kyuhyun’s hands start with his clothes. They say nothing because there is nothing to say, nothing to say because this is something that Hankyung knows how to do. He knows how to give in because it’s Kyuhyun and because it’s Kyuhyun he will always give in.
It’s a whirlwind of emotions, feeling, of pictures, flashes of things Hankyung always wanted and never had. It’s the feeling he had for his first girlfriend. It’s the way his heart thrummed when Jessica held onto his arms. It’s the power he felt when Jungsu stared at him. It’s Hyukjae and Ryeowook and everyone else, but better. It’s better because this is real and he knows it, better because he lets go and it doesn’t matter that Kyuhyun is pressing harder, wanting more, needing more. It’s okay because Hankyung knows, he felt it, knows that Kyuhyun wanted this even before Hankyung let go.
This time it’s different. There is pain but the burn is good, it makes Hankyung feel alive, wanted, full. There are tears again but for a different reason, tears because this is right and he wanted this for so long and he has it and it can’t be real. There are tears because Kyuhyun is murmuring words in his ear and Hankyung wants to believe them with all his heart and it hurts because he is repeating those same words. It hurts, the pain so good to him as Kyuhyun presses harder, deeper, making this real, making this right.
“Hankyung?”
The voice by the door, he recognizes it, knows who it belongs to and he can’t help the pain in his heart when he looks up and meets Donghae’s eyes. He’s standing there by the door watching Hankyung, watching how Kyuhyun has his hands all over him, how they’re lying together, legs tangled, hands clutching. Hankyung knows that look, knows that pain because he’s felt it before, he’s lived it and he knows that it’s his own heart breaking as he looks at Donghae. It’s him falling to pieces, his world crumbling, his innocence gone, not Donghae’s, it can’t be Donghae’s.
Donghae doesn’t deserve this, not Donghae, not Donghae who was always been there, who picked him up, who loved him. No, Donghae doesn’t deserve this and before he knows what he’s doing, he’s up, clothes on and he’s running after Donghae. He doesn’t even look back, just keeps going because he catches a glimpse of Donghae turning the corner. He keeps going, knowing that he has to make this right, that he has to fix this because it isn’t fair, it isn’t right. No, Donghae should not be sad.
He catches Donghae just as the other boy is heading for the flight of stairs. Hankyung’s arms wrap themselves around Donghae, so familiar, so easy. It had always been this easy, to just to do it, to let himself go. It had been easy with Donghae because Donghae loved him.
“Let me go.”
The tears behind the voice break Hankyung’s heart to pieces and he has to remind himself that this is his fault, that he deserves this, that he has no reason to cry, no right to do it, because the tears that are now soaking his arms are his fault.
“I’m sorry.” He says.
So inadequate, so false, words are nothing. But, he is sorry. He is sorry that Donghae hurts because he knows what it’s like to feel hurt. He’s sorry that he ruined what was so innocent and pure and right. He is sorry that he broke the one person he knew he would be able to turn to when he was broken.
“You love him don’t you?”
Hankyung says nothing because this isn’t happening. It can’t be happening. He didn’t think that love was like this. He didn’t expect it to be this hard, the decision on his lips ready to fall, but his heart not letting him say it. Donghae goes limp in his arms and Hankyung doesn’t realize that he’s said it out loud.
“Yes.”
This should be the moment where he has his epiphany. This is where he realizes that he’s been lying to himself all this time, where he realizes that he loves Donghae. This is where it all becomes clear, except it doesn’t because he still wants to run back to his room, back to Kyuhyun, feels like he’s lighter than air. Then there is the other part of him who still holds Donghae and who knows that what he’s done is wrong. He can’t understand it, how something so innocent, how the boy he knew became this, someone who can hurt, someone who can bring pain. He doesn’t understand how he managed to break Donghae, Donghae who was always laughter and hugs and smiles, Donghae who was pure.
“I’m sorry.” Donghae says after a while. “I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.”
Hankyung wants to say that yes he is enough, that this isn’t the way it was supposed to be, that he is sorry, that he wants to give it a try. He wants to but he can’t because there’s Kyuhyun, there was always Kyuhyun and as long as there is Kyuhyun, he won’t be able to do it.
He watches Donghae walk away and wants to go after him, but knows he can’t. He turns around and when he gets back to his room there is Kyuhyun looking at the paper with the scores.
“You should have said something.”
Hankyung can’t bring himself to answer because this hurts too. He finds himself on his knees crying because it shouldn’t have been this way, it should have been nice and simple and it shouldn’t hurt this way. Kyuhyun is there, holding him, words murmured into his hair. Hankyung doesn’t know what happens, all he knows is that Kyuhyun gets him up and into his arms and into the bed. Hankyung lies down and it’s Kyuhyun who brings him food, who watches him, who promises to stay by his side. It’s Kyuhyun who refuses to go away.
Hankyung finds it so easy to let himself go. He lets Kyuhyun slip into bed with him, lets Kyuhyun put an arm around him, lets Kyuhyun read to him. He lets Kyuhyun murmur those three words in his hair, on his lips, against his neck when they’re moving at night. It would be perfect if Hankyung didn’t keep seeing Donghae, didn’t see the way those eyes burn with pain every time he walks by with Kyuhyun’s hand wrapped around his.
It comes to the point where he can’t take it anymore and he tells Kyuhyun and Kyuhyun says it isn’t his fault except it is. It is his fault because he should have kept it inside, he should have been able to control himself. If he hadn’t let go, then maybe Donghae would still smile even if he was hurting inside. And that would have been better because now not only does Donghae not smile, but he’s also hurting inside and outside.
Hankyung starts to forget after a while or if not forget then numb because Kyuhyun is there and Kyuhyun makes it better.
Donghae transfers a week later.
//
and yes you can all go kill ana now ;__; *squishes donghae*
Happy Valentines day everyone <3