Scales
SCALES (Hanteuk)
I was never a religious person; sure I believed that there was a higher being, but I was not someone who attended Church every Sunday or let a faith govern my life. Yet to this day, I wonder if God played a hand what happened all those years ago. In my salvation.
Out of a dozen boys, you were the one to find me. I had been so busy avoiding Kangin and shying away from Donghae and brushing off Heechul's concerns, that I didn't notice the way your eyes followed me through each and every meal and the way you gripped your chopsticks that little bit tighter as you watch me make my excuses to leave the table, oh I forgot something or hold on, I was suppose to make a call or oh I'm so full already! Anything but what I really wanted to say, but would never allow to spill.
I thought I was hiding it well, my secret safely locked in my own heart and body. Until you found me in the bathroom, with my finger still caught down my throat, my actions leaving no doubt what I was doing. I had never felt anything strong when I did this, only the grim knowledge that it was necessary for your survival in this world. In their cold world where looks mattered more than anything. But it was as if all the bottled up feelings were bubbling-the look of horror and disbelief on your face made me feel ashamed; to realise what I was doing was wrong.
It took an angry stinging slap and then a fierce hug from you for me to want to stop. Even though my cheeks flared with colour, the tears I shed as you hugged me tight and craddle me to sleep right there on the bathroom floor were the first true emotions I had expressed for a long, long time. It took secret trips to the doctor, your constant care and dishes of my favourite food for me to finally stop. And it took your proud smile and thankful tears for me to understand I have to take care of myself. For me and for the others who love me. And for you.
Even if he had nothing to do with it, I still thank God everyday for sending you.
I was never a religious person; sure I believed that there was a higher being, but I was not someone who attended Church every Sunday or let a faith govern my life. Yet to this day, I wonder if God played a hand what happened all those years ago. In my salvation.
Out of a dozen boys, you were the one to find me. I had been so busy avoiding Kangin and shying away from Donghae and brushing off Heechul's concerns, that I didn't notice the way your eyes followed me through each and every meal and the way you gripped your chopsticks that little bit tighter as you watch me make my excuses to leave the table, oh I forgot something or hold on, I was suppose to make a call or oh I'm so full already! Anything but what I really wanted to say, but would never allow to spill.
I thought I was hiding it well, my secret safely locked in my own heart and body. Until you found me in the bathroom, with my finger still caught down my throat, my actions leaving no doubt what I was doing. I had never felt anything strong when I did this, only the grim knowledge that it was necessary for your survival in this world. In their cold world where looks mattered more than anything. But it was as if all the bottled up feelings were bubbling-the look of horror and disbelief on your face made me feel ashamed; to realise what I was doing was wrong.
It took an angry stinging slap and then a fierce hug from you for me to want to stop. Even though my cheeks flared with colour, the tears I shed as you hugged me tight and craddle me to sleep right there on the bathroom floor were the first true emotions I had expressed for a long, long time. It took secret trips to the doctor, your constant care and dishes of my favourite food for me to finally stop. And it took your proud smile and thankful tears for me to understand I have to take care of myself. For me and for the others who love me. And for you.
Even if he had nothing to do with it, I still thank God everyday for sending you.