[SHINee] (old) Pause, Rewind
pause, rewind
broken!jonghyun/key; pg-13; ~5140w
jonghyun will never love kibum the way kibum loves him.
“Did you know,” Kibum says randomly one day when they’re sitting on Jonghyun’s front porch licking vanilla ice cream cones even though it’s the middle of November and it’s unbelievably cold, “that it’s the people that are closest to you that hurt you the most?” Jonghyun pauses in his licking to give his best friend an odd look.
“Oh really now?” he asks airily wondering if the combination of the coldness of the ice cream and the coldness of the weather has frozen Kibum’s common sense over. Kibum nods solemnly and suddenly stops licking his cone and stares at it in slight disgust.
“They don’t know it though.”
“Of course not,” Jonghyun replies and bites back laughter when he sees how serious Kibum’s face is. “Yah Kim Kibum-“And he pushes Kibum’s ice cream cone onto his nose.
“Aish! Cold cold!” Kibum rubs at his nose furiously and glares at his best friend, his best friend who’s currently laughing so hard at his expense, his face is turning pink. Jonghyun’s own ice cream cone falls in the midst of his laughing causing him to immediately stop laughing and gaze at the floor in dismay.
“Awww Kibum. Look what you did.”
Kibum sputters indignantly. “Hyung! How in the world is it my fault?” Jonghyun shrugs and offers Kibum a devious smile.
“It’s your face. It’s the cause of all bad things in this world.”
Jonghyun’s older sister rushes out of the house when she hears her beloved baby brother’s terrified shrieks of “Noona noona!!” only to stop and shake her head in amusement when she’s seen that Kibum has trapped Jonghyun to the floor, Jonghyun’s hands placed against his back, face pressed to the ground.
“Whose face causes bad things?” Kibum asks lightly and twists Jonghyun’s arms a bit causing the other to groan in pain.
Kim Kibum and Kim Jonghyun were pretty much the solid definition of “best friends.” They had grown up living exactly twenty-three minutes away from each other-“Eighteen if you jog, eleven if you sprint,” Jonghyun would often say cheerfully-and went to the same school since their primary years.
“Jonghyun stole my crayons,” Kibum would tell people. Jonghyun would flush and jump at Kibum-“That’s not true!” he would hiss gripping Kibum’s collar tightly and Kibum would laugh and laugh until tears spilled out of his eyes-no matter how many times he said it, Jonghyun’s reaction was still the same.
Jonghyun was a year older than Kibum but he dropped out of high school for one year doing God knows what. He would come late covered in scratches in bruises, snap at his mother and sister, and spend most of his time walking around the streets with a group of punks. That had been a hard year on Kibum and Jonghyun-a strain on their friendship. It was like someone had dropped a huge mirror in front of Jonghyun-one of those crazy ones that they had at those fairs to amuse the younger children-and when Kibum peered into the mirror, the image of Jonghyun was so distorted he couldn’t tell who he was anymore. They never did talk about how it ended or why. Just that one day Jonghyun crawled into Kibum’s from his window completely beat up and crept into Kibum’s bed and slept arms around his best friend.
The next day Kibum woke up and immediately punched Jonghyun only to burst into tears when he saw how battered his friend was. “You’re so stupid hyung,” Kibum cried holding Jonghyun’s head to his chest. Jonghyun didn’t say anything and simply closed his eyes and went limp in his friend’s arms.
After that nasty episode, Jonghyun came back to school, this time in Kibum’s year. Though being back in school often made Jonghyun think of the reasons he quit in the first place. It wasn’t that Jonghyun was stupid--more the fact that Kibum was unnaturally smart. “Help me,” Jonghyun would demand when they were doing their calculus homework. Kibum would frown and go over it with Jonghyun and Jonghyun would nod and pretend to understand, sneaking glances at Kibum’s own work so he could copy it down.
“You’re not learning hyung,” Kibum would say exasperated. Jonghyun would grin.
“Of course I am! I’m learning how to copy your work without you finding out!” Kibum would smack Jonghyun upside the head for “being cheeky” and Jonghyun would smack him right back for “disrespecting his elders.”
Kibum was fifteen when he found out that Jonghyun was gay-fifteen when he found out that liking boys wasn’t exactly a bad thing at all. Kibum remembers-it was July, and a hot particularly sticky day it had been. They had been laying on the grass in Kibum’s back yard doing absolutely nothing and feeling incredibly lazy. They lay in comfortable silence until Jonghyun broke the silence with his whisper, “Hey Kibum?” When Kibum “mmh”-ed in response, Jonghyun had gotten himself on top of Kibum and had pressed his lips softly against the younger’s before he pulled back nervously, eyes waiting for Kibum’s reaction.
Kibum had lay still in stunned shock for a moment. Jonghyun had kissed him. Kissed him. “Why-“ he started voice cracking but Jonghyun butted in before he could say anything more.
“Listen Kibum,” Kibum clearly remembers the urgency in Jonghyun’s voice. “Just listen. It’s not that I like you like that or anything. We’re best friends man-I would never do that. Ever. I love you like a brother okay? It’s just that…call it an experiment if you will. I wanted to make sure I was you know,” Kibum remembers the shaky breath Jonghyun had taken too. “Gay.”
It was at fifteen that Kibum had gotten his first kiss stolen by a boy, had found out that his best friend was gay, and had realized that he was hopelessly in love with Kim Jonghyun.
Jonghyun’s eighteen now, making Kibum seventeen, both in their final years of high school. “Just one more year of hell!” Jonghyun cries out throwing his arms out and spinning around. Kibum rolls his eyes.
“Sure and then what next? University.” Kibum’s words snap Jonghyun out of his high and the older turns to Kibum with a frown on his face.
“Thanks for that,” Jonghyun deadpans. “I don’t even know if I’m going to college and Jesus-Umma would slaughter me.” He shudders and grabs Kibum’s hand, dragging him along the street, not going anywhere in particular. Kibum’s heart skips a beat, but he ignores it as always and allows himself to be dragged. “So anyways where does the genius boy plan to go to school? Overseas? Seoul?” Jonghyun’s smile is blinding but Kibum can’t force himself away.
“Um,” he says intelligently and Jonghyun laughs and claps Kibum on the back.
“You’ve still got time to think about it! Either way I know you’ll make us all proud.” Jonghyun’s voice is sincere and Kibum feels his cheeks heat up at his words.
“Yeah yeah…” he mutters looking down at the floor not being able to say what he feels out loud. Jonghyun ruffles his hair affectionately.
“Aw did I hit a sore spot with little Kibummie?”
“…Don’t call me that. Ever.”
“Sure sure Kibummie~”
Kibum shoves Jonghyun to the floor and walks off leaving his friend sprawled on the asphalt in shock. “You little punk--!” And suddenly they’re both rolling on the floor in a mad mess of limbs and arms and Kibum’s shrieking in laughter because Jonghyun’s got a hold of his tickle spot and digs his fingers hard into Kibum’s side and Kibum screams “No more no more!”
“You’re ridiculously ticklish,” Jonghyun comments basking in the afterglow of his victory--rare victory Kibum thinks to himself. Kibum scoffs.
“You’re just plain out ridiculous.” Jonghyun pouts and holds his chest in mock agony.
“Oh Kibum! Your words! They wound me so!” Kibum scoffs again and pushes his overdramatic friend lightly on the shoulder.
“Freak,” he says under his breath. Truth is, Kibum wouldn’t have Jonghyun any other way. He loves him unconditionally in all his weird quirky habits and perhaps in the end that’s what makes him such a loser. He won’t ever say how he feels and he has a feeling Jonghyun will never know, for a long long time. Kibum doesn’t mind though. He likes it like this. The two of them-together. It’s always been like this since they were little. Whatever they did, they did it together. Jonghyun wasn’t whole without Kibum and Kibum wasn’t whole without Jonghyun. It was just the natural law of the world.
So Kibum couldn’t really say he had any complaints.
That is, until Lee Jinki came into town.
“Have you heard?” Jonghyun’s sister walks into the living room where Jonghyun and Kibum are throwing popcorn at each other and ignoring a sappy drama on TV. She rolls her eyes at their antics and reaches over to bop their heads together.
“Oww noona!” They yell simultaneously and turn to glare at her. She just smirks and repeats her words. Jonghyun blinks, still rubbing his head. “Heard what?”
“New kid. University student from Seoul. Apparently he’s Eunmi’s cousin or something-“
“Lee Eunmi?” Kibum questions tilting his head to the side and scrunching his face an image of a pretty female classmate coming to his head. Jonghyun’s sister nods.
“Yeah that one. So anyways he’s here on a vacation or something. Name’s Lee Jinki. Parents wanted him to relax out here with us country bums or whatever.”
Jonghyun snorts at his sister’s words and lies back on the couch.“I’m not interested,” he declares propping his feet up on Kibum’s lap. Kibum stares at Jonghyun’s large feet and attempts to push them away.
“What do you mean by ‘not interested?’” Jonghyun’s sister raises an eyebrow and Jonghyun rolls his eyes.
“Obviously he’s some sort of stuck up rich smart ass. So. Let’s not talk to him Kibum. He’s probably not worth our time.” Kibum opens his mouth to argue that perhaps meeting this Lee Jinki would benefit both of them but Jonghyun has his eyes closed and legs crossed, signaling that he’s done listening to the two of them. Kibum exchanges a look with Jonghyun’s sister and they both roll their eyes at Jonghyun’s absolutely juvenile behavior.
“Are you pouting?” Kibum asks incredulously as he chops up celery to put in their welcome-to-Daegu-Lee Jinki kimbap. Jonghyun pouts some more. “No.” Kibum resists the urge to squeeze his friend’s cheeks.
“Listen Jonghyun. The guy is new. You haven’t even met him yet. Just…give him a chance? Maybe he’s not as stuck up as he seems,” Kibum reasons with Jonghyun using his soft calm voice, the one that Jonghyun always listens to. Jonghyun purses his lips and merely rolls the rice.
They decide to let Jonghyun’s sister go ahead and deliver the kimbap, ignore her disapproving stare, and go back to rolling around on the carpet laughing and babbling nonsense in each other’s ears. Kibum buries his nose in Jonghyun’s hair and smells strawberries. He breathes it in deep, remembers the scent, and decides that he would like to spend the rest of his life like this, curled up with Jonghyun.
“I met him today.” Jonghyun announces opening Kibum’s front door without warning. Kibum looks up from the floor questioningly. He’s on his knees, scrubbing the floor with a sponge. Jonghyun stares at him for a while. “…Housewife.” Jonghyun says finally shaking his head. Kibum shrugs and continues to scrub. Jonghyun frowns. “Yah I had something to say~!” he whines and plops himself next to Kibum. Kibum doesn’t blink.
“I cleaned that spot already.”
“Well too bad.”
“….”
“…Okay I’m moving, don’t look at me like that.”
A few minutes later, they’re both settled on the couch and Jonghyun’s cuddling a pillow his chest a sign that he’s about to tell an “epic” story. Kibum eyes him warily before motioning for Jonghyun to go on with his story. By now, Jonghyun is practically jumping out of the couch in excitement.
“He’s full of fail,” is the first thing that comes out of Jonghyun’s mouth. Kibum stares at his friend and wonders vaguely if he’s gone crazy.
“That’s what you had to tell me?” Kibum sounds incredulous. Jonghyun ignores his friend’s tone and continues on with his story.
“Yeah so he’s totally not street smart city material. I think we’re more bad ass than him. Anyways so he was in the grocery store right? The idiot had like twenty different things in his hands and he bumped into me. I knew he was going to drop it all so I told him to go get a cart and it’d be easier because you know that’s the smart normal thing to do. And he sounds so surprised all like, ‘oh thank you!’ Then the dolt bows and all his stuff just falls to the floor and I’m like ‘…um.’ And he’s like ‘oh crap.’ And then I just start laughing. Because really who does that?”
Kibum doesn’t like the way Jonghyun’s eyes twinkle, lips curl into a fond smile, hands wave about exaggeratedly, all because of this Lee Jinki. He doesn’t like it at all.
“So the guy is an idiot.” Kibum says rather simply. Jonghyun blinks in surprise at Kibum’s clipped tone.
“Well yeah but not like…in a bad way. You know?” Jonghyun tilts his head and smiles trying to get Kibum to see what he sees.
Kibum wants to scream, “No. No I don’t understand. Please stop talking about this person.” But he doesn’t. He only smiles back and nods. “Yeah. I know.” And Jonghyun beams, pleased and goes on talking about Lee Jinki and how much fail he is. Meanwhile Kibum plasters a smile to his face and nods and comments at the appropriate moments, all the while telling himself that it’s nothing, absolutely nothing.
This is definitely something.
“Hyung, meet Kibum. Kibum, this is Jinki hyung. Hyung, Kibum is my absolute best friend in the entire world,” Jonghyun announces proudly slinging an arm around Kibum’s shoulder. Kibum inwardly winces at “absolute best friend” but forces out a smile, something he’s becoming exceedingly good at.
Lee Jinki smiles shyly back and Kibum decides that he doesn’t like him. What’s so good about him anyways? He looks like a freaking kid-this guy is in university? Please-Kibum and Jonghyun look older than him. Such a naïve expression…it’s ridiculous really. Kibum quietly fumes to himself as Jinki bows and makes his introduction.
“It’s very nice to meet you Kibum sshi,” Jinki says politely. “Jonghyun ah has told me much about you.” Wait. Hold up. Jonghyun ah? How in the world did they get so close in a week, a few days? Jonghyun must see the expression on Kibum’s face and quickly scrambles with words trying to explain.
“Um well you see.” Jonghyun stammers and looks at Jinki helplessly. Jinki blinks and looks at Jonghyun confusedly. Jonghyun groans and grasps Kibum’s arm. “I’m not really sure. Let’s go for a walk or something yeah?” Jonghyun’s talking quickly, mulling his words over, something Kibum knows he only does when he’s nervous. Jinki smiles again though his eyes are still confused. His smile is blindingly beautiful and Kibum watches as Jonghyun’s gazes upon Jinki, enthralled. His heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach.
It’s nothing, it’s nothing.
They walk around town and every time Jonghyun points out a place he tells Jinki a story about it-most of them are about something ridiculous that Jonghyun and Kibum did in their earlier years. Jinki listens intently and laughs at all the right moments and Jonghyun laughs with him and the sound of their voices ringing together sounds like music.
Kibum just stands by in the background with a painfully tight smile. Sometimes Jonghyun will drag him up to talk a bit and when he does he feels like his words don’t belong to him-that they’re just flowing out of his mouth automatically saying the right things that will keep Jonghyun’s shining smile on his face. His heart screams in protest but Kibum pays no heed to it. Watching the backs of Jonghyun and Jinki, he realizes that he’s fighting a losing battle-and his battle tactics weren’t so good to begin with.
Maybe it’s not picture perfect-Jinki is far from a composed steady gait and Jonghyun’s natural excess energy adds an unnecessary bounce to his walk-but they look good together. In an odd sort of way, they do.
Kibum pauses to gaze upon the flowers as they walk past the gardens. His mind is numb and he can’t seem to remember the names-but there are two beautiful large flowers glaring back at him, one a vibrant orange (freesia?) and the other a startling pink (carnation he thinks). He can’t help but notice how gorgeous they are by themselves-they’re similar in that way. But when he tries to picture them together it doesn’t seem to fit no matter how lovely and bright the two are. They are too bold to work well together. Kibum laughs at the irony and leaves the flowers, trailing behind the happy couple.
“I think I like him,” Jonghyun whispers giddily to Kibum when they are in their pajamas and under the covers. Kibum hears a crack and he thinks it’s his heart breaking.
“I know.” Jonghyun flushes at Kibum’s answer.
“Was I too obvious?” Yes. Yes you were. A genius could’ve figured it out.
“Oh I don’t think so.”
“Do…Do you think he might like me back?” No. No I hope he doesn’t. I hope he crushes your heart like you just crushed mine.
“Hyung, I’m sure Jinki sshi is interested in you. You didn’t see the way he was looking at you.”
“Ahh really? Kibum, that makes me so happy, you don’t even know.” No, no I don’t know do I? Kibum doesn’t know anything at all. Oh and I could care less that you’re happy.
“I’m happy to hear that hyung. Jinki sshi is good for you.”
“Ahh Kibum. You’ll understand when you’re in love-am I in love? Maybe I am. Oh this is so weird.” I am in love hyung. In love with you. It is weird. Please stop falling in love with that guy.
“I told you meeting Jinki sshi was a good idea.”
“Hahah you’re right. I owe you one. Oh and you can call him hyung if you like. I think he’d like that.” I will never call that asswipe hyung as long as I live.
“Hahaha maybe.”
“Kibum…”
“What?”
“I love you, you know.”
“Pft whatever hyung.”
I love you I love you I love you, you blind stupid outrageous idiot.
“Jonghyun ah hasn’t been around lately,” his mother muses as she places dinner on the table. “I guess he’s been busy with that new boy hasn’t he?” Kibum shrugs and pokes at his food miserably. Yes Jonghyun hadn’t been around. It had been exactly eleven days six hours and twelve minutes since Jonghyun had last slept over his house.
Eleven days six hours and twelve minutes of absolute agony and torture for Kibum. He sees them walking up and down the street together, hand in hand. Sometimes when he goes by the café, they’re there sipping at one sundae with two straws. He’s even seen them at the park just sitting together and doing absolutely nothing, Jonghyun’s head resting on Jinki’s shoulder.
Kibum has lost the battle.
“I suppose it’s good though.” His mother is annoyingly cheerful and Kibum tries his best to block out her voice. “Yes I hear that university student is a good influence on Jonghyun. He’s thinking of trying for college now. Imagine that, our Jonghyun in college! You know we don’t have to worry about you dear, but Jonghyun’s always been on the short end of the stick…” Kibum succeeds in ignoring his mother’s words and gobbles up his beef, eating as much as he can to try to fill up the emptiness that’s overcome him.
(“I hear you’ve been kinda dead lately,” Jonghyun’s voice is worried over the phone. “Are you okay? Do you want me to come over there?” Kibum very much wants Jonghyun to come over here so that he can bury his face in Jonghyun’s shoulder and bawl his eyes out because he’s never felt so helpless and alone in his life.
He’s never needed Jonghyun more in his life than right now.
But Kibum coats fake cheerfulness into his voice as he reassures Jonghyun that he’s fine, absolutely peachy in fact, oh and how are things with Jinki sshi? Jonghyun’s voice when Kibum asks about Jinki is excited and happy-Kibum can picture the older bouncing off the soles of his feet and that image leaves Kibum a tad bit more broken than he was before.)
Kibum pokes his head into the office and knocks on the door several times. The woman at the desk looks up and smiles at the sight of him before motioning him in. Kibum bows politely and takes a seat only to be guided into the assistant principal’s office. Yes he was in school. In the middle of his break. When school starts in two weeks. He was in school two weeks before it started in the middle of his break. Yes he was absolutely perplexed as to why he was here.
“Ahh Kibum!” The assistant principal greets him warmly and Kibum bows and smiles. Kibum is the top student of his class-high grades, polite to the elders, all around the classic model of a “perfect student.” Everyone has high hopes for him and Kibum can literally feel the pressure pushing at his shoulders. “Come in come in, sit down.” The assistant principal seats him across from his desk and Kibum folds his hands nervously.
“Is something wrong sir?” The man laughs heartily and leans over to pat Kibum on the back.
“Wrong? Of course not my boy! In fact, there’s something very very exciting that’s come up! Hanmi sshi please come in here to explain.” A young woman strides into the office and sits beside Kibum. Kibum bows awkwardly and the woman returns the bow along with offering a warm smile.
“So you are Kim Kibum.” Her voice is soft and heavily accented. Kibum just nods suddenly feeling too nervous to speak. Hanmi could probably see that so she gives him another smile. “Do not worry, you are not being punished. Like Mr. Lee said, something exciting has come up.” She reaches into her briefcase and takes out a packet of papers which she hands to Kibum. “Read the front.”
Kibum peers curiously at the text. “It…It’s all in Chinese,” he says baffled. Hanmi nods.
“And you can read all of this yes?” Kibum nods. He takes Mandarin as an extra class because he finds it useful to know other languages. And not to brag but he’s quite good at it. He likes it as well. “Kim Kibum, you have one of the highest Chinese literacy scores in your district.” Kibum’s eyebrows shoot up high. He knows that he’s good but…really?
“Really?”
“Yes. And we’re all very impressed. By “we” I mean the official board of the International Peoples Exchange Student Program.” Kibum’s eyebrows shoot up even more because the IPESP is one of the most prestigious international relations programs in the country. And they…were impressed by him…
“We’re offering you a scholarship. A trip to Shanghai, to fully experience living in another country and getting your education there as well.” Kibum’s mind stops working as Hanmi places more packets in his hands and continues to talk and Kibum is listening and nodding but not really hearing anything that the woman is saying at all.
“Understand?” She ends her speech and gives Kibum a look.
“Shanghai…?” he asks bewilderedly. Mr. Lee laughs and places Kibum upright.
“Let’s send him on his way Hanmi sshi to tell his parents of the exciting news. Please do give us a call tomorrow Kibum when you’ve decided or if you have any questions.” Hanmi bows.
“We hope to hear from you soon.”
“Shanghai?!” His mother screams almost ripping the papers from her tight hold. Kibum quickly grabs them from his mother’s death grip and frowns at her.
“Yes for a scholarship. They want me to be in their exchange program. Umma it’s a fantastic opportunity.”
“What about school? It starts in a few weeks.” His mother sounds skeptical and Kibum starts to panic. He wants her, no needs her to agree with this. He needs to get away.
“They’re giving me the full curriculum there as well Umma. The reason it starts a week earlier is for prep to get used to being taught in a Chinese environment.”
“But it sounds so expensive-“
“They’ve offered a scholarship to me Umma. They pay for the first month and if I like it and am doing well we can arrange things to keep me there.” Kibum swallows hard and grips his mother’s shoulders tightly. “Please Umma, please. Let me go.”
His mother looks at him a bit forlorn. “Do you really want to get away from home that much?”
“Of course not Umma. I’m just thinking about my future.” Screw my future, I just need to get the hell away from this place. Kibum’s mother sighs before nodding her head a slight smile on her face.
“Go then my son. Go call.” She squeezes him into a hug and places a kiss on his forehead. “I’ve never been so proud,” she whispers into his hair. Kibum dies a little inside.
It’s Tuesday now, two days after he decided that he wants to go to China, two days after he’s made the official call, signed the official papers, two days after and all the info arrived in the mail, two days and he still hasn’t told Jonghyun yet.
Kibum picks up the phone for the fifth time today, starts to dial the numbers with trembling fingers-he’s slower than usual, it’s a number he’s dialed so much, even the beeps of the numbers are engraved in his memory-and immediately hangs up at the second ring.
Why can’t I do it? I’m leaving because of him…I should be able to tell him…right? Kibum slumps to the floor and put his head on his knees. The blaring dial tone of his phone is the only thing he can hear. Suddenly a knock at the door breaks Kibum’s spell and he’s scrambling to his feet and rushing to his door. He pulls the door open and freezes when he sees who it is.
Lee Jinki smiles that shining smile of his. “Hello Kibum sshi.” His voice is calm but Kibum can see his eyes are nervous. “Can I come in?”
Kibum sips wordlessly at his tea and watches Jinki from across the couch. Jinki blows on his tea before taking the first sip and immediately jerking back because the liquid is too hot. Kibum wants to laugh but he keeps his mouth shut and continues to watch Jinki.
“Jonghyun ah misses you.” Kibum wants to scream. How dare he, of all people, come here to talk about Jonghyun, how dare he-
"Oh does he?" Kibum's voice is cool. "So why doesn't he drop by? Or are you two too busy on your dates?" Jinki ignores Kibum's sarcasm and smiles again.
“China huh?”
Kibum stares and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. How did he, how did he-
“How do you know?” Jinki's smile is bit more sad than it was before and suddenly Kibum can see it, Kibum can see it all. Jinki knows, Jinki knows. He’s known all this time and he didn’t say anything. Because he knows how Jonghyun felt too. He knows that Kim Jonghyun will never love Kim Kibum the way Kibum loves Jonghyun.
Someone’s gasping for air and it takes Kibum a few seconds to realize that it’s him and suddenly Jinki’s at his side rubbing his back soothingly whispers I’m sorry and for a moment Kibum feels like the worst person to ever walk the earth, ever. He screams silently and allows the suffocating feeling in his chest to overtake him.
Why don’t you love me?
“You’re leaving?!” Jonghyun screams and punches Kibum straight across the face. Jinki immediately runs to hold Jonghyun in place and Kibum’s mother and Jonghyun’s sister watch from the side, both of them have their mouths covered in shock. Kibum feels blood trickle down from his nose as he lays there on the asphalt and wonders if he could possibly bleed to death in about two minutes.
“You’re such a fucking ass. I can’t believe you. We’re best friends.” Kibum laughs to himself, yes best friends best friends. That’s all they’ll ever be and it saddens Kibum for him to realize it now, and even now he simply can’t get over the fact that he’s still in love with his enraged crying boy in front of him. Jonghyun falls to his knees, tears trickling down his face.
“You were going to leave me without saying anything. You’re leaving today and you’re still not saying anything. Say something dammit!” Kibum struggles to his feet and locks gazes with Jonghyun. Jonghyun stares stubbornly back tears glistening in his eyes and Kibum feels guilty, oh so guilty it makes him sick and want to vomit all over the pavement.
“Please understand.” Kibum’s voice is small and Jonghyun laughs bitterly wiping at his tears furiously.
“Understand? No I really can’t. You’re not even going to be in the same country. You’re going to fucking China. And I don’t even know when you’ll be back.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Is that all you can say?!” Jonghyun is sobbing now and he sprints to Kibum and knocks him down again with his fist. Kibum lays there like a doll and Jonghyun delivers blow by blow. “Fight back!” he screams hoarsely. “God damn you-why won’t you fight back?” Kibum watches Jonghyun’s tearful face through the blood and smiles. I won’t ever fight back. Not anymore. I’ve lost Jonghyun, lost so badly. Jonghyun halts, exhausted and buries his face in Kibum’s chest and cries.
Kibum departs Daegu that day with a knapsack filled with his mother’s baked goods, five suitcases containing all he’ll need for a month in China, and a bruised and bloodied face. Needless to say he’s the most unique passenger at the train station.
As Kibum pressed an ice pack to his swollen cheek he watches the scenery dash by and he can see glimpses of colors and grass and cows. For a moment, he thinks he sees a bright orange freesia, complimented perfectly by pale yellow pansies. He laughs to himself-oh the irony-and cries in his sleep all the way to Seoul.
broken!jonghyun/key; pg-13; ~5140w
jonghyun will never love kibum the way kibum loves him.
“Did you know,” Kibum says randomly one day when they’re sitting on Jonghyun’s front porch licking vanilla ice cream cones even though it’s the middle of November and it’s unbelievably cold, “that it’s the people that are closest to you that hurt you the most?” Jonghyun pauses in his licking to give his best friend an odd look.
“Oh really now?” he asks airily wondering if the combination of the coldness of the ice cream and the coldness of the weather has frozen Kibum’s common sense over. Kibum nods solemnly and suddenly stops licking his cone and stares at it in slight disgust.
“They don’t know it though.”
“Of course not,” Jonghyun replies and bites back laughter when he sees how serious Kibum’s face is. “Yah Kim Kibum-“And he pushes Kibum’s ice cream cone onto his nose.
“Aish! Cold cold!” Kibum rubs at his nose furiously and glares at his best friend, his best friend who’s currently laughing so hard at his expense, his face is turning pink. Jonghyun’s own ice cream cone falls in the midst of his laughing causing him to immediately stop laughing and gaze at the floor in dismay.
“Awww Kibum. Look what you did.”
Kibum sputters indignantly. “Hyung! How in the world is it my fault?” Jonghyun shrugs and offers Kibum a devious smile.
“It’s your face. It’s the cause of all bad things in this world.”
Jonghyun’s older sister rushes out of the house when she hears her beloved baby brother’s terrified shrieks of “Noona noona!!” only to stop and shake her head in amusement when she’s seen that Kibum has trapped Jonghyun to the floor, Jonghyun’s hands placed against his back, face pressed to the ground.
“Whose face causes bad things?” Kibum asks lightly and twists Jonghyun’s arms a bit causing the other to groan in pain.
Kim Kibum and Kim Jonghyun were pretty much the solid definition of “best friends.” They had grown up living exactly twenty-three minutes away from each other-“Eighteen if you jog, eleven if you sprint,” Jonghyun would often say cheerfully-and went to the same school since their primary years.
“Jonghyun stole my crayons,” Kibum would tell people. Jonghyun would flush and jump at Kibum-“That’s not true!” he would hiss gripping Kibum’s collar tightly and Kibum would laugh and laugh until tears spilled out of his eyes-no matter how many times he said it, Jonghyun’s reaction was still the same.
Jonghyun was a year older than Kibum but he dropped out of high school for one year doing God knows what. He would come late covered in scratches in bruises, snap at his mother and sister, and spend most of his time walking around the streets with a group of punks. That had been a hard year on Kibum and Jonghyun-a strain on their friendship. It was like someone had dropped a huge mirror in front of Jonghyun-one of those crazy ones that they had at those fairs to amuse the younger children-and when Kibum peered into the mirror, the image of Jonghyun was so distorted he couldn’t tell who he was anymore. They never did talk about how it ended or why. Just that one day Jonghyun crawled into Kibum’s from his window completely beat up and crept into Kibum’s bed and slept arms around his best friend.
The next day Kibum woke up and immediately punched Jonghyun only to burst into tears when he saw how battered his friend was. “You’re so stupid hyung,” Kibum cried holding Jonghyun’s head to his chest. Jonghyun didn’t say anything and simply closed his eyes and went limp in his friend’s arms.
After that nasty episode, Jonghyun came back to school, this time in Kibum’s year. Though being back in school often made Jonghyun think of the reasons he quit in the first place. It wasn’t that Jonghyun was stupid--more the fact that Kibum was unnaturally smart. “Help me,” Jonghyun would demand when they were doing their calculus homework. Kibum would frown and go over it with Jonghyun and Jonghyun would nod and pretend to understand, sneaking glances at Kibum’s own work so he could copy it down.
“You’re not learning hyung,” Kibum would say exasperated. Jonghyun would grin.
“Of course I am! I’m learning how to copy your work without you finding out!” Kibum would smack Jonghyun upside the head for “being cheeky” and Jonghyun would smack him right back for “disrespecting his elders.”
Kibum was fifteen when he found out that Jonghyun was gay-fifteen when he found out that liking boys wasn’t exactly a bad thing at all. Kibum remembers-it was July, and a hot particularly sticky day it had been. They had been laying on the grass in Kibum’s back yard doing absolutely nothing and feeling incredibly lazy. They lay in comfortable silence until Jonghyun broke the silence with his whisper, “Hey Kibum?” When Kibum “mmh”-ed in response, Jonghyun had gotten himself on top of Kibum and had pressed his lips softly against the younger’s before he pulled back nervously, eyes waiting for Kibum’s reaction.
Kibum had lay still in stunned shock for a moment. Jonghyun had kissed him. Kissed him. “Why-“ he started voice cracking but Jonghyun butted in before he could say anything more.
“Listen Kibum,” Kibum clearly remembers the urgency in Jonghyun’s voice. “Just listen. It’s not that I like you like that or anything. We’re best friends man-I would never do that. Ever. I love you like a brother okay? It’s just that…call it an experiment if you will. I wanted to make sure I was you know,” Kibum remembers the shaky breath Jonghyun had taken too. “Gay.”
It was at fifteen that Kibum had gotten his first kiss stolen by a boy, had found out that his best friend was gay, and had realized that he was hopelessly in love with Kim Jonghyun.
Jonghyun’s eighteen now, making Kibum seventeen, both in their final years of high school. “Just one more year of hell!” Jonghyun cries out throwing his arms out and spinning around. Kibum rolls his eyes.
“Sure and then what next? University.” Kibum’s words snap Jonghyun out of his high and the older turns to Kibum with a frown on his face.
“Thanks for that,” Jonghyun deadpans. “I don’t even know if I’m going to college and Jesus-Umma would slaughter me.” He shudders and grabs Kibum’s hand, dragging him along the street, not going anywhere in particular. Kibum’s heart skips a beat, but he ignores it as always and allows himself to be dragged. “So anyways where does the genius boy plan to go to school? Overseas? Seoul?” Jonghyun’s smile is blinding but Kibum can’t force himself away.
“Um,” he says intelligently and Jonghyun laughs and claps Kibum on the back.
“You’ve still got time to think about it! Either way I know you’ll make us all proud.” Jonghyun’s voice is sincere and Kibum feels his cheeks heat up at his words.
“Yeah yeah…” he mutters looking down at the floor not being able to say what he feels out loud. Jonghyun ruffles his hair affectionately.
“Aw did I hit a sore spot with little Kibummie?”
“…Don’t call me that. Ever.”
“Sure sure Kibummie~”
Kibum shoves Jonghyun to the floor and walks off leaving his friend sprawled on the asphalt in shock. “You little punk--!” And suddenly they’re both rolling on the floor in a mad mess of limbs and arms and Kibum’s shrieking in laughter because Jonghyun’s got a hold of his tickle spot and digs his fingers hard into Kibum’s side and Kibum screams “No more no more!”
“You’re ridiculously ticklish,” Jonghyun comments basking in the afterglow of his victory--rare victory Kibum thinks to himself. Kibum scoffs.
“You’re just plain out ridiculous.” Jonghyun pouts and holds his chest in mock agony.
“Oh Kibum! Your words! They wound me so!” Kibum scoffs again and pushes his overdramatic friend lightly on the shoulder.
“Freak,” he says under his breath. Truth is, Kibum wouldn’t have Jonghyun any other way. He loves him unconditionally in all his weird quirky habits and perhaps in the end that’s what makes him such a loser. He won’t ever say how he feels and he has a feeling Jonghyun will never know, for a long long time. Kibum doesn’t mind though. He likes it like this. The two of them-together. It’s always been like this since they were little. Whatever they did, they did it together. Jonghyun wasn’t whole without Kibum and Kibum wasn’t whole without Jonghyun. It was just the natural law of the world.
So Kibum couldn’t really say he had any complaints.
That is, until Lee Jinki came into town.
“Have you heard?” Jonghyun’s sister walks into the living room where Jonghyun and Kibum are throwing popcorn at each other and ignoring a sappy drama on TV. She rolls her eyes at their antics and reaches over to bop their heads together.
“Oww noona!” They yell simultaneously and turn to glare at her. She just smirks and repeats her words. Jonghyun blinks, still rubbing his head. “Heard what?”
“New kid. University student from Seoul. Apparently he’s Eunmi’s cousin or something-“
“Lee Eunmi?” Kibum questions tilting his head to the side and scrunching his face an image of a pretty female classmate coming to his head. Jonghyun’s sister nods.
“Yeah that one. So anyways he’s here on a vacation or something. Name’s Lee Jinki. Parents wanted him to relax out here with us country bums or whatever.”
Jonghyun snorts at his sister’s words and lies back on the couch.“I’m not interested,” he declares propping his feet up on Kibum’s lap. Kibum stares at Jonghyun’s large feet and attempts to push them away.
“What do you mean by ‘not interested?’” Jonghyun’s sister raises an eyebrow and Jonghyun rolls his eyes.
“Obviously he’s some sort of stuck up rich smart ass. So. Let’s not talk to him Kibum. He’s probably not worth our time.” Kibum opens his mouth to argue that perhaps meeting this Lee Jinki would benefit both of them but Jonghyun has his eyes closed and legs crossed, signaling that he’s done listening to the two of them. Kibum exchanges a look with Jonghyun’s sister and they both roll their eyes at Jonghyun’s absolutely juvenile behavior.
“Are you pouting?” Kibum asks incredulously as he chops up celery to put in their welcome-to-Daegu-Lee Jinki kimbap. Jonghyun pouts some more. “No.” Kibum resists the urge to squeeze his friend’s cheeks.
“Listen Jonghyun. The guy is new. You haven’t even met him yet. Just…give him a chance? Maybe he’s not as stuck up as he seems,” Kibum reasons with Jonghyun using his soft calm voice, the one that Jonghyun always listens to. Jonghyun purses his lips and merely rolls the rice.
They decide to let Jonghyun’s sister go ahead and deliver the kimbap, ignore her disapproving stare, and go back to rolling around on the carpet laughing and babbling nonsense in each other’s ears. Kibum buries his nose in Jonghyun’s hair and smells strawberries. He breathes it in deep, remembers the scent, and decides that he would like to spend the rest of his life like this, curled up with Jonghyun.
“I met him today.” Jonghyun announces opening Kibum’s front door without warning. Kibum looks up from the floor questioningly. He’s on his knees, scrubbing the floor with a sponge. Jonghyun stares at him for a while. “…Housewife.” Jonghyun says finally shaking his head. Kibum shrugs and continues to scrub. Jonghyun frowns. “Yah I had something to say~!” he whines and plops himself next to Kibum. Kibum doesn’t blink.
“I cleaned that spot already.”
“Well too bad.”
“….”
“…Okay I’m moving, don’t look at me like that.”
A few minutes later, they’re both settled on the couch and Jonghyun’s cuddling a pillow his chest a sign that he’s about to tell an “epic” story. Kibum eyes him warily before motioning for Jonghyun to go on with his story. By now, Jonghyun is practically jumping out of the couch in excitement.
“He’s full of fail,” is the first thing that comes out of Jonghyun’s mouth. Kibum stares at his friend and wonders vaguely if he’s gone crazy.
“That’s what you had to tell me?” Kibum sounds incredulous. Jonghyun ignores his friend’s tone and continues on with his story.
“Yeah so he’s totally not street smart city material. I think we’re more bad ass than him. Anyways so he was in the grocery store right? The idiot had like twenty different things in his hands and he bumped into me. I knew he was going to drop it all so I told him to go get a cart and it’d be easier because you know that’s the smart normal thing to do. And he sounds so surprised all like, ‘oh thank you!’ Then the dolt bows and all his stuff just falls to the floor and I’m like ‘…um.’ And he’s like ‘oh crap.’ And then I just start laughing. Because really who does that?”
Kibum doesn’t like the way Jonghyun’s eyes twinkle, lips curl into a fond smile, hands wave about exaggeratedly, all because of this Lee Jinki. He doesn’t like it at all.
“So the guy is an idiot.” Kibum says rather simply. Jonghyun blinks in surprise at Kibum’s clipped tone.
“Well yeah but not like…in a bad way. You know?” Jonghyun tilts his head and smiles trying to get Kibum to see what he sees.
Kibum wants to scream, “No. No I don’t understand. Please stop talking about this person.” But he doesn’t. He only smiles back and nods. “Yeah. I know.” And Jonghyun beams, pleased and goes on talking about Lee Jinki and how much fail he is. Meanwhile Kibum plasters a smile to his face and nods and comments at the appropriate moments, all the while telling himself that it’s nothing, absolutely nothing.
This is definitely something.
“Hyung, meet Kibum. Kibum, this is Jinki hyung. Hyung, Kibum is my absolute best friend in the entire world,” Jonghyun announces proudly slinging an arm around Kibum’s shoulder. Kibum inwardly winces at “absolute best friend” but forces out a smile, something he’s becoming exceedingly good at.
Lee Jinki smiles shyly back and Kibum decides that he doesn’t like him. What’s so good about him anyways? He looks like a freaking kid-this guy is in university? Please-Kibum and Jonghyun look older than him. Such a naïve expression…it’s ridiculous really. Kibum quietly fumes to himself as Jinki bows and makes his introduction.
“It’s very nice to meet you Kibum sshi,” Jinki says politely. “Jonghyun ah has told me much about you.” Wait. Hold up. Jonghyun ah? How in the world did they get so close in a week, a few days? Jonghyun must see the expression on Kibum’s face and quickly scrambles with words trying to explain.
“Um well you see.” Jonghyun stammers and looks at Jinki helplessly. Jinki blinks and looks at Jonghyun confusedly. Jonghyun groans and grasps Kibum’s arm. “I’m not really sure. Let’s go for a walk or something yeah?” Jonghyun’s talking quickly, mulling his words over, something Kibum knows he only does when he’s nervous. Jinki smiles again though his eyes are still confused. His smile is blindingly beautiful and Kibum watches as Jonghyun’s gazes upon Jinki, enthralled. His heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach.
It’s nothing, it’s nothing.
They walk around town and every time Jonghyun points out a place he tells Jinki a story about it-most of them are about something ridiculous that Jonghyun and Kibum did in their earlier years. Jinki listens intently and laughs at all the right moments and Jonghyun laughs with him and the sound of their voices ringing together sounds like music.
Kibum just stands by in the background with a painfully tight smile. Sometimes Jonghyun will drag him up to talk a bit and when he does he feels like his words don’t belong to him-that they’re just flowing out of his mouth automatically saying the right things that will keep Jonghyun’s shining smile on his face. His heart screams in protest but Kibum pays no heed to it. Watching the backs of Jonghyun and Jinki, he realizes that he’s fighting a losing battle-and his battle tactics weren’t so good to begin with.
Maybe it’s not picture perfect-Jinki is far from a composed steady gait and Jonghyun’s natural excess energy adds an unnecessary bounce to his walk-but they look good together. In an odd sort of way, they do.
Kibum pauses to gaze upon the flowers as they walk past the gardens. His mind is numb and he can’t seem to remember the names-but there are two beautiful large flowers glaring back at him, one a vibrant orange (freesia?) and the other a startling pink (carnation he thinks). He can’t help but notice how gorgeous they are by themselves-they’re similar in that way. But when he tries to picture them together it doesn’t seem to fit no matter how lovely and bright the two are. They are too bold to work well together. Kibum laughs at the irony and leaves the flowers, trailing behind the happy couple.
“I think I like him,” Jonghyun whispers giddily to Kibum when they are in their pajamas and under the covers. Kibum hears a crack and he thinks it’s his heart breaking.
“I know.” Jonghyun flushes at Kibum’s answer.
“Was I too obvious?” Yes. Yes you were. A genius could’ve figured it out.
“Oh I don’t think so.”
“Do…Do you think he might like me back?” No. No I hope he doesn’t. I hope he crushes your heart like you just crushed mine.
“Hyung, I’m sure Jinki sshi is interested in you. You didn’t see the way he was looking at you.”
“Ahh really? Kibum, that makes me so happy, you don’t even know.” No, no I don’t know do I? Kibum doesn’t know anything at all. Oh and I could care less that you’re happy.
“I’m happy to hear that hyung. Jinki sshi is good for you.”
“Ahh Kibum. You’ll understand when you’re in love-am I in love? Maybe I am. Oh this is so weird.” I am in love hyung. In love with you. It is weird. Please stop falling in love with that guy.
“I told you meeting Jinki sshi was a good idea.”
“Hahah you’re right. I owe you one. Oh and you can call him hyung if you like. I think he’d like that.” I will never call that asswipe hyung as long as I live.
“Hahaha maybe.”
“Kibum…”
“What?”
“I love you, you know.”
“Pft whatever hyung.”
I love you I love you I love you, you blind stupid outrageous idiot.
“Jonghyun ah hasn’t been around lately,” his mother muses as she places dinner on the table. “I guess he’s been busy with that new boy hasn’t he?” Kibum shrugs and pokes at his food miserably. Yes Jonghyun hadn’t been around. It had been exactly eleven days six hours and twelve minutes since Jonghyun had last slept over his house.
Eleven days six hours and twelve minutes of absolute agony and torture for Kibum. He sees them walking up and down the street together, hand in hand. Sometimes when he goes by the café, they’re there sipping at one sundae with two straws. He’s even seen them at the park just sitting together and doing absolutely nothing, Jonghyun’s head resting on Jinki’s shoulder.
Kibum has lost the battle.
“I suppose it’s good though.” His mother is annoyingly cheerful and Kibum tries his best to block out her voice. “Yes I hear that university student is a good influence on Jonghyun. He’s thinking of trying for college now. Imagine that, our Jonghyun in college! You know we don’t have to worry about you dear, but Jonghyun’s always been on the short end of the stick…” Kibum succeeds in ignoring his mother’s words and gobbles up his beef, eating as much as he can to try to fill up the emptiness that’s overcome him.
(“I hear you’ve been kinda dead lately,” Jonghyun’s voice is worried over the phone. “Are you okay? Do you want me to come over there?” Kibum very much wants Jonghyun to come over here so that he can bury his face in Jonghyun’s shoulder and bawl his eyes out because he’s never felt so helpless and alone in his life.
He’s never needed Jonghyun more in his life than right now.
But Kibum coats fake cheerfulness into his voice as he reassures Jonghyun that he’s fine, absolutely peachy in fact, oh and how are things with Jinki sshi? Jonghyun’s voice when Kibum asks about Jinki is excited and happy-Kibum can picture the older bouncing off the soles of his feet and that image leaves Kibum a tad bit more broken than he was before.)
Kibum pokes his head into the office and knocks on the door several times. The woman at the desk looks up and smiles at the sight of him before motioning him in. Kibum bows politely and takes a seat only to be guided into the assistant principal’s office. Yes he was in school. In the middle of his break. When school starts in two weeks. He was in school two weeks before it started in the middle of his break. Yes he was absolutely perplexed as to why he was here.
“Ahh Kibum!” The assistant principal greets him warmly and Kibum bows and smiles. Kibum is the top student of his class-high grades, polite to the elders, all around the classic model of a “perfect student.” Everyone has high hopes for him and Kibum can literally feel the pressure pushing at his shoulders. “Come in come in, sit down.” The assistant principal seats him across from his desk and Kibum folds his hands nervously.
“Is something wrong sir?” The man laughs heartily and leans over to pat Kibum on the back.
“Wrong? Of course not my boy! In fact, there’s something very very exciting that’s come up! Hanmi sshi please come in here to explain.” A young woman strides into the office and sits beside Kibum. Kibum bows awkwardly and the woman returns the bow along with offering a warm smile.
“So you are Kim Kibum.” Her voice is soft and heavily accented. Kibum just nods suddenly feeling too nervous to speak. Hanmi could probably see that so she gives him another smile. “Do not worry, you are not being punished. Like Mr. Lee said, something exciting has come up.” She reaches into her briefcase and takes out a packet of papers which she hands to Kibum. “Read the front.”
Kibum peers curiously at the text. “It…It’s all in Chinese,” he says baffled. Hanmi nods.
“And you can read all of this yes?” Kibum nods. He takes Mandarin as an extra class because he finds it useful to know other languages. And not to brag but he’s quite good at it. He likes it as well. “Kim Kibum, you have one of the highest Chinese literacy scores in your district.” Kibum’s eyebrows shoot up high. He knows that he’s good but…really?
“Really?”
“Yes. And we’re all very impressed. By “we” I mean the official board of the International Peoples Exchange Student Program.” Kibum’s eyebrows shoot up even more because the IPESP is one of the most prestigious international relations programs in the country. And they…were impressed by him…
“We’re offering you a scholarship. A trip to Shanghai, to fully experience living in another country and getting your education there as well.” Kibum’s mind stops working as Hanmi places more packets in his hands and continues to talk and Kibum is listening and nodding but not really hearing anything that the woman is saying at all.
“Understand?” She ends her speech and gives Kibum a look.
“Shanghai…?” he asks bewilderedly. Mr. Lee laughs and places Kibum upright.
“Let’s send him on his way Hanmi sshi to tell his parents of the exciting news. Please do give us a call tomorrow Kibum when you’ve decided or if you have any questions.” Hanmi bows.
“We hope to hear from you soon.”
“Shanghai?!” His mother screams almost ripping the papers from her tight hold. Kibum quickly grabs them from his mother’s death grip and frowns at her.
“Yes for a scholarship. They want me to be in their exchange program. Umma it’s a fantastic opportunity.”
“What about school? It starts in a few weeks.” His mother sounds skeptical and Kibum starts to panic. He wants her, no needs her to agree with this. He needs to get away.
“They’re giving me the full curriculum there as well Umma. The reason it starts a week earlier is for prep to get used to being taught in a Chinese environment.”
“But it sounds so expensive-“
“They’ve offered a scholarship to me Umma. They pay for the first month and if I like it and am doing well we can arrange things to keep me there.” Kibum swallows hard and grips his mother’s shoulders tightly. “Please Umma, please. Let me go.”
His mother looks at him a bit forlorn. “Do you really want to get away from home that much?”
“Of course not Umma. I’m just thinking about my future.” Screw my future, I just need to get the hell away from this place. Kibum’s mother sighs before nodding her head a slight smile on her face.
“Go then my son. Go call.” She squeezes him into a hug and places a kiss on his forehead. “I’ve never been so proud,” she whispers into his hair. Kibum dies a little inside.
It’s Tuesday now, two days after he decided that he wants to go to China, two days after he’s made the official call, signed the official papers, two days after and all the info arrived in the mail, two days and he still hasn’t told Jonghyun yet.
Kibum picks up the phone for the fifth time today, starts to dial the numbers with trembling fingers-he’s slower than usual, it’s a number he’s dialed so much, even the beeps of the numbers are engraved in his memory-and immediately hangs up at the second ring.
Why can’t I do it? I’m leaving because of him…I should be able to tell him…right? Kibum slumps to the floor and put his head on his knees. The blaring dial tone of his phone is the only thing he can hear. Suddenly a knock at the door breaks Kibum’s spell and he’s scrambling to his feet and rushing to his door. He pulls the door open and freezes when he sees who it is.
Lee Jinki smiles that shining smile of his. “Hello Kibum sshi.” His voice is calm but Kibum can see his eyes are nervous. “Can I come in?”
Kibum sips wordlessly at his tea and watches Jinki from across the couch. Jinki blows on his tea before taking the first sip and immediately jerking back because the liquid is too hot. Kibum wants to laugh but he keeps his mouth shut and continues to watch Jinki.
“Jonghyun ah misses you.” Kibum wants to scream. How dare he, of all people, come here to talk about Jonghyun, how dare he-
"Oh does he?" Kibum's voice is cool. "So why doesn't he drop by? Or are you two too busy on your dates?" Jinki ignores Kibum's sarcasm and smiles again.
“China huh?”
Kibum stares and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. How did he, how did he-
“How do you know?” Jinki's smile is bit more sad than it was before and suddenly Kibum can see it, Kibum can see it all. Jinki knows, Jinki knows. He’s known all this time and he didn’t say anything. Because he knows how Jonghyun felt too. He knows that Kim Jonghyun will never love Kim Kibum the way Kibum loves Jonghyun.
Someone’s gasping for air and it takes Kibum a few seconds to realize that it’s him and suddenly Jinki’s at his side rubbing his back soothingly whispers I’m sorry and for a moment Kibum feels like the worst person to ever walk the earth, ever. He screams silently and allows the suffocating feeling in his chest to overtake him.
Why don’t you love me?
“You’re leaving?!” Jonghyun screams and punches Kibum straight across the face. Jinki immediately runs to hold Jonghyun in place and Kibum’s mother and Jonghyun’s sister watch from the side, both of them have their mouths covered in shock. Kibum feels blood trickle down from his nose as he lays there on the asphalt and wonders if he could possibly bleed to death in about two minutes.
“You’re such a fucking ass. I can’t believe you. We’re best friends.” Kibum laughs to himself, yes best friends best friends. That’s all they’ll ever be and it saddens Kibum for him to realize it now, and even now he simply can’t get over the fact that he’s still in love with his enraged crying boy in front of him. Jonghyun falls to his knees, tears trickling down his face.
“You were going to leave me without saying anything. You’re leaving today and you’re still not saying anything. Say something dammit!” Kibum struggles to his feet and locks gazes with Jonghyun. Jonghyun stares stubbornly back tears glistening in his eyes and Kibum feels guilty, oh so guilty it makes him sick and want to vomit all over the pavement.
“Please understand.” Kibum’s voice is small and Jonghyun laughs bitterly wiping at his tears furiously.
“Understand? No I really can’t. You’re not even going to be in the same country. You’re going to fucking China. And I don’t even know when you’ll be back.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Is that all you can say?!” Jonghyun is sobbing now and he sprints to Kibum and knocks him down again with his fist. Kibum lays there like a doll and Jonghyun delivers blow by blow. “Fight back!” he screams hoarsely. “God damn you-why won’t you fight back?” Kibum watches Jonghyun’s tearful face through the blood and smiles. I won’t ever fight back. Not anymore. I’ve lost Jonghyun, lost so badly. Jonghyun halts, exhausted and buries his face in Kibum’s chest and cries.
Kibum departs Daegu that day with a knapsack filled with his mother’s baked goods, five suitcases containing all he’ll need for a month in China, and a bruised and bloodied face. Needless to say he’s the most unique passenger at the train station.
As Kibum pressed an ice pack to his swollen cheek he watches the scenery dash by and he can see glimpses of colors and grass and cows. For a moment, he thinks he sees a bright orange freesia, complimented perfectly by pale yellow pansies. He laughs to himself-oh the irony-and cries in his sleep all the way to Seoul.