Sometimes Our Hearts Need To Break First
He most spent his life running away. Year after year, he kept himself on the move in fear that he will be found and dragged back to his personal hell. That fear is what made him miserable for all those years. He never settled down in a place for more than a couple of years. He had travelled the world better than anyone he knows, maybe better than any living person in the world. Who knows? He has the advantage anyway. He’s cursed to live an immortal life while he knows all his loved ones withered and died.
Why did you go back here, Changmin?
What kind of an idiot are you?
He shivered as the cold wind bit at his skin, ignoring that voice in his head that never fails to mock him every chance it gets.
He already found me. He knows where I am.
What’s the use of running away when he still holds my leash?
That would be the same as being stupid and coming back home here.
Home. That word echoed in his ears. This place is his home.
It was your home. That irritating voice whispered to him. And he hates to admit it was right. This place was his home. This was a place where he was loved and he was happy. But those feelings are gone and to him this city is almost the same as any other, crowded and noisy. The only difference is that the person who owns this city owns him two.
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“He’s here you know.” Krystal said as she plops on a loveseat in his sitting room.
“Who?” He feigned ignorance and tried to hide that ache in his chest that cripples his whole being. No use. That pain has been gnawing at his heart for more centuries than what he bothers to count. And he wants to curse himself for the hypocrisy of his thoughts because he knows exactly how long it has been since his heart has started to slowly die until it progressed to the state of decay that it is in right now.
“You know who.” Krystal replied, ignoring his glare and focusing her attention to her drink. “Do you want me to invite him over so you can meet?”
He sat there in silence, looking at the city he ruled. That city he helped flourished and stabilized in hopes that it can be his home. Hoping that someday he will go back home and settle down with him. And what all those years made him realize is that he will have this city wholly, but never him. He said it that night before he disappeared from Yunho’s sight and grasp.
“I think he made his stand clear that night before he left.” Before that bastard left him. Abandoned him. He mentally winced. After all this time he could still not bring himself to insult Changmin in any way and mean. Instead of making himself feel better, it just hurts him when he does it. I’m a fucking idiot for still cherishing him like this. “What is the use of meeting him now? Should I meet him to give him a chance to spit at my face and question me why I haven’t died and went to hell?” His own words echoed in his ears, mocking him that it was a lot closer to the truth that what he hopes. “Forgive me for saving myself from humiliations that I can avoid.”
“You guys are idiots.” Krystal sighed and sat up.
“Say that again.” Yunho challenged his long time friend.
“I said both of you are idiots. You passed countless chances to make up and be happy. You’re an idiot for letting him go and he’s an idiot for running away.” She started walking to the door then turned back to him. “I think it is about time one of you takes a step to make your lives better.”
“That’s easy to say.”
“I think so too. However, think about it. You can approach him now and risk being insulted… maybe really get insulted… but gain some chance to have him with you or do nothing and keep hurting. With option A, at least you’ll get to see him face to face. Hear him talk to you no matter how bad his words are. We both know how much you miss him Yunho. With option B, you’ll stay the same, and nothing good will happen for sure, you’ll have no chance with him at all. How much more heartache can your heart take?” She stepped out and closed the door behind her without waiting for his answer.
“Everyday I learn that I can hurt more than I did the day before. I learn that and cope. And I’ve been learning that since the day he left millennia ago. Each day I just wish I won’t feel the pain anymore.” Yunho confessed at the empty room.
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What used to be his family’s land is now converted to a park that is surrounded by expensive houses and condominium towers. It used to be a simple farm where his father hires capable men to till their land and where his sisters teach the children of the village how to read and write. A simple way of living. Just like how simple his life used to be. He sat at the park bench facing the pond for a couple of hours, contemplating the things that have changed and remembering the times he spent on the places he sees.
His heartache when he remembered the trail that leads deep into the woods, and into a hidden cave. It is where he used to sneak into to meet his lover. Knowing his father will not accept the relationship, they met there in secret. Away from the public eye and free to say how much they love each other and plan the future. That cave is long gone, nature and human activities have caused the soil to collapse into itself closing the cave permanently. Somehow, it felt right. It makes him feel better that nature kept the place from other people.
Just me and its memories now.
Of course, he knows at least two people in this city who might still remember that cave. But they don’t care about it.
If Yunho knows about it, maybe he’s the one who destroyed it. That mocking voice whispered to him and made him shiver. He remembered that year where he lived inside Yunho’s castle. A year that felt like an eternity of suffering, longing and loneliness. Maybe, maybe it was him. But a selfish part of him thinks it is better destroyed. If Yunho made it a public place and invited tourists, he would have been spitting mad.
I own you.
You’re mine and mine alone.
I’ll never set you free.
That would be your punishment.
Watch, you know what that procession is about. He’s getting married.
Looks like his promises to you are set in the wind. Something that’s good to your ears and comforting to your sense, but you can never hold them. Was he really yours?
He stood up so quickly he surprised the birds near him and they flew away. Away like where his happy memories went while those that pains him wrapped themselves around him.
Enough Changmin, enough. He scolded himself as he wrap his coat tighter around him. When he turned to leave, he saw one of the last people he was expecting to meet.
“Lady Krystal.”
“Ah, you can simply call me Krystal now. My title no longer matters these days.”
“It has been a long time since I last saw you. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to thank you for your help back then.”
“That’s okay. I knew you needed help then. However, I cannot say I did not regret helping you.” She smiled sadly at him.
That shocked him, “Did he-?”
“No, he didn’t hurt me. He found out and was really mad but he never hurt me.”
“That’s good to hear. I mean, I’m relieved you weren’t hurt.”
Krystal stepped closer. “I wasn’t hurt but he was. He was hurt really deeply.”
“I can’t imagine him being hurt. Physical or otherwise.”
“You should see him then.” She walked past him to sit on the bench and motioned him to join her. “He’s still hurting from losing you.”
“That’s impossible.”
“You want to go with me and see for yourself?”
He sharply glanced back at her and met her gaze. “Did he send you to drag me back?”
“No. He actually doesn’t want to see you.”
“Why doesn’t-?” He caught himself before he spoke his thoughts out. He’ll appear like he wants Yunho to want to meet him.
“He’s… unsure of what he’ll do when he sees you.”
“You mean, all this years, he still haven’t made up his mind how to punish me?”
Krystal sighed. “You guys, why do you think of the worst from each other?”
That stumped him. Good question. “Because that is only what I can expect?”
“Are you sure? You’ll be really surprised when you meet him then.”
“We only have our worst for each other. You know what he did to me.” He looked away, still ashamed of his past that keeps on haunting him.
“I know what he did. But I also know why and I also remember that before that night, you were friends.”
“Were we? He was just playing me. He made me think that I have a friend I can rely on but when that time came I needed his help the most he showed his true colors and hurt me the way no friend should.”
“Given a chance, do you think you can meet him? You know, maybe talk things out.”
“I want to talk to him, but not to make friends with him again. You know that he still owns me. I want to be free. I want my soul back, Krystal. I can’t go on like this anymore. I could feel my sanity fading away now, if I don’t have my soul back I know I’ll lose myself too.”