My Three Stages of Stress: depression, anger, and violent acts toward inanimate objects?
I just really really really need to vent...It's under the cut.
I'm really confused right now. I'm in the last week of classes and this won't even be my worst week. That was last week. Hell, once I get through Wednesday things are going to be easier. I graduate in two weeks, too! I finally get to go home permanently!
...So why the fuck do I feel like complete crap?
I have some theories...
1.) I hate waiting when it's something that I desperately want. I want to go home so badly and I hate having to wait. I want this to be over already! It's actually painful to be forced to wait just because I want some god damned piece of paper that tells me I have a "higher education." Something that probably won't do me any good unless I find something it applies to.
2.) Last year shook my self-confidence and optimism way more than I thought it did. Things just fell apart so badly...The house issues, my classes...myself. Everything rides on getting a C in my psych class and I may have fucked it up by missing more than 3 classes...I can't figure out if I'll pass with a C or not... I'm right on the edge and I do NOT like it. In my experience when I ride on the edge of success and failure...I pretty much ALWAYS fail. Last year is a perfect example, especially since I was nearly suspended from Truman. I don't have much confidence or optimism that I'll succeed this time. I hope I do...I want to succeed. I want to graduate...but my instinct is that when things are going well...Something will go wrong and I'll just fail all over again. God...That's such a terrible way to think...I know it's stupid, irrational, and illogical...but that's just how I feel. I have such little confidence in things turning out right...that I could actually do something right... I have no idea where this low self-esteem came from...I have no idea where I got the idea that I rarely do things right because I KNOW I've done things right...I KNOW I've succeeded without any issues...yet the dominating idea is that I'll fail because I can't do anything right... Which leads into an additional theory.
3.) I'm stressed out because I'm afraid of failure. Everything is set up right now...My parents, grandparents, brother, sister, and brother-in-law are coming up for my graduation and I don't want this to crash and burn... I know they aren't so petty that there would be a loss of love if I did fail...but I just don't want to disappoint them, especially my parents and grandparents. I'd also be disappointed in myself. I want to have this accomplishment...To feel proud that I completed a bachelor's degree...even if I don't really have any plans to do anything with it. Part of this may come from the fact that when my parents and I would fight about things...sometimes they'd call me a disgrace...The typical incident that would cause this is when I'd wear something that was plain...almost to the point of being casual...for a nice dinner...and it was usually my mom who said it. Support from my parents has always been shaky...I know they love me...and they don't always mean what they say...but it still hurts to hear your own mother call you a disgrace to the family...Though this hasn't happened in a long time...the fear of being a disgrace has been etched into my brain. Back then I figured I'd go with it, but now I actually care...I want them to be proud...
Oh yeah, I think I've also realized why I react more strongly when my parents leave after visiting rather than when I leave them...I theorize that I may have some abandonment issues... It's hard to return to K-ville after being in STL, but I was able to get over my emotional urge to cry. However, when my dad left today...I immediately teared up and had to hide in my room to let it out. Even though I had steeled myself to not watch my dad leave, I ran to my window to watch his car drive away...I couldn't help it. It probably explains why I fear being left behind...being forgotten...and abandonment can be seen as a form of rejection, which I know is something I fear as well.
I have absolutely no idea how these issues came to be. My parents weren't the type to make me feel like I'd be abandoned. It probably comes from my other relationships...Let's face it...I didn't really have stable friendships till maybe 7th or 8th grade...and those became destabilized in high school...Even now sometimes I feel like all my relationships are unstable. It's probably because I myself am unstable and I'm too afraid to actually confirm that a relationship is firm and solid. Even if it's an obvious one... Oh, and let's face it...even though I claim that the past is past...The fact that the person I trusted to never hurt me left me with no explanation...that certainly doesn't help...and yet I cannot bring myself to point real blame at anyone. I don't let myself look at someone and go: "This is your fault." because it's also my own fault...I don't know why...but it is...somehow...
God! That's just the way I think! I don't want to blame anyone even though I know there were so many times where THEY were the ones who took action and I had done nothing wrong. I just can't bring myself to think so poorly of them because I remember the good times...I don't want to taint those with such toxic thoughts. I can't entirely blame someone unless I know that their motivation and mindset were just as wrong as their actions...Part or all of the blame always ends up on me. Somehow as a child I was instilled with this low self-esteem and low self-confidence. This inner pessimist that rarely shuts up. I think it's because so many people who were a source of support have also been a source of intense disappointment and hurt. Even if it was unintentional...I can't look at them the same way again...
Hell, I've even had my own mother say straight out to me: "You can't do it." She never apologized for it either. She also won't let me just talk. Even though my train of thought can go very bad...I NEED to just vent...I NEED to have someone listen quietly and then tell me I'm being an idiot (in a kind way). She'll say to me: "I don't want to hear this." Which is why I never talk to my mother about my problems...I don't really talk about my problems with my dad either because he's also of the avoidance school...only in a different way...More of an "I'll interrupt you with encouragement" sort of person and to me that's even worse because he isn't really listening to me. He just lets me talk until he can interrupt. He also firmly believes that there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just being overly dramatic. Yeah, in some ways I am, but I do have issues. My mom at least has a level of understanding that I have some form of social anxiety, which is why I'm not comfortable with the idea of having a job that would require immense contact with people, but my dad belives that there's absolutely no problem with suggesting and advocating my finding a job that is completely people-oriented.
I think this is partially why I want to see a therapist when I move home, so I have someone to tell my parents that it's NOT me being dramatic. I know I make a mountain out of a molehill over things sometimes, but I'm pretty damn consistent with my anxiety of social situations, especially when it involves strangers and/or crowds.
...Let's face it...I just don't trust people. They make me nervous.
Even if I fail here...My logic says that my family will NOT love me any less, yet I believe they'll look at me differently...They'll treat me differently...In a negative way...I don't know. I just feel that way. It's not that my family is made up of bad people...It's just how I perceive them...Looking at myself through their eyes...Yeah...I guess I really don't like myself that much...I don't necessarily mind being me...but...*sigh* I have no idea. I take pride in things I do well...yet there's something that manages to feed my self-loathing demon. I think part of it is that I don't like me BECAUSE I seem to think so poorly of people. I don't like it...
I just want to go home...I want to be done with this unstable lifestyle. I want to go home and have the chance to work on stabilizing myself. I certainly can't do that here...
I'm so tired of waiting...I feel like that's what I'm always doing...Waiting...Usually there's nothing I can do about it either...which further reinforces the idea of being passive. If I had things my way...I'd skip commencement completely and just go home on friday...but all the plans have been set...and...I really do want to wear a graduation robe with pride...Even if I hate ceremony.
It's sorta like last spring when I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stay in Truman or not...only much worse. If I got suspended from school, I'd just transfer and finish up in STL. This carries more of a price for me. Last spring I wouldn't feel like I failed to graduate if I did get suspended...this time...It's all about graduating and everyone is set up with the expectation that I will graduate, so if I don't...I don't want to even imagine the feeling... It makes me fell sick just contemplating the possibility.
Hmm...It's kinda funny...My bro and I aren't so different after all...the exception being our social abilities.
I know what my plan B is. If I fail to graduate, I move home and finish up at Meramec, so I know what the next step will be if I fail. I know what the next step will be if I succeed, which is move home and look for a job. It's the emotions that go with these events that are the problem. The endless chatter that occurs in my head.
*sigh* I think I've finally ranted myself out...I just want to get this week over with so I can deal with my finals and find out if I get to graduate or not.
I'm so fuckin' tired of waiting...
Whatever comes in the future...I'll deal with it...I just want this high anxiety time to come to an end. I do NOT like having my life revolve around such uncertainties.
Time to get back to work.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates.
~Marty / Shin~
Current Book: Demon Lord of Karanda by David Eddings. 3rd book of the Mallorean. w00t.
Current Writing Projects:
Aoitsuki Yurai - 9 rewritten chapters posted (working on 10). Currently rewriting chapter 14. I gotta get 10 posted and then move on to 11.
Fallen Angel - I've got some of a chapter 6. Working on this one is intermittent. I think the chapter with Sephiroth in Medius (my idea of limbo) is the hard one. I sort of want his motivation to be different. Like his taking care of Sera is more of an obligation than something he wants to do. The only reason he does it is to avoid something he would find highly unpleasant...Like his existence being dissolved entirely. =D
Webcomic - I've been playing with a timeline, script stuff, and how I'm gonna write the story. I think I'm going to write the entire plot out before I write scripts. Hell, I'll probably do 'em at the same time.
I'm really confused right now. I'm in the last week of classes and this won't even be my worst week. That was last week. Hell, once I get through Wednesday things are going to be easier. I graduate in two weeks, too! I finally get to go home permanently!
...So why the fuck do I feel like complete crap?
I have some theories...
1.) I hate waiting when it's something that I desperately want. I want to go home so badly and I hate having to wait. I want this to be over already! It's actually painful to be forced to wait just because I want some god damned piece of paper that tells me I have a "higher education." Something that probably won't do me any good unless I find something it applies to.
2.) Last year shook my self-confidence and optimism way more than I thought it did. Things just fell apart so badly...The house issues, my classes...myself. Everything rides on getting a C in my psych class and I may have fucked it up by missing more than 3 classes...I can't figure out if I'll pass with a C or not... I'm right on the edge and I do NOT like it. In my experience when I ride on the edge of success and failure...I pretty much ALWAYS fail. Last year is a perfect example, especially since I was nearly suspended from Truman. I don't have much confidence or optimism that I'll succeed this time. I hope I do...I want to succeed. I want to graduate...but my instinct is that when things are going well...Something will go wrong and I'll just fail all over again. God...That's such a terrible way to think...I know it's stupid, irrational, and illogical...but that's just how I feel. I have such little confidence in things turning out right...that I could actually do something right... I have no idea where this low self-esteem came from...I have no idea where I got the idea that I rarely do things right because I KNOW I've done things right...I KNOW I've succeeded without any issues...yet the dominating idea is that I'll fail because I can't do anything right... Which leads into an additional theory.
3.) I'm stressed out because I'm afraid of failure. Everything is set up right now...My parents, grandparents, brother, sister, and brother-in-law are coming up for my graduation and I don't want this to crash and burn... I know they aren't so petty that there would be a loss of love if I did fail...but I just don't want to disappoint them, especially my parents and grandparents. I'd also be disappointed in myself. I want to have this accomplishment...To feel proud that I completed a bachelor's degree...even if I don't really have any plans to do anything with it. Part of this may come from the fact that when my parents and I would fight about things...sometimes they'd call me a disgrace...The typical incident that would cause this is when I'd wear something that was plain...almost to the point of being casual...for a nice dinner...and it was usually my mom who said it. Support from my parents has always been shaky...I know they love me...and they don't always mean what they say...but it still hurts to hear your own mother call you a disgrace to the family...Though this hasn't happened in a long time...the fear of being a disgrace has been etched into my brain. Back then I figured I'd go with it, but now I actually care...I want them to be proud...
Oh yeah, I think I've also realized why I react more strongly when my parents leave after visiting rather than when I leave them...I theorize that I may have some abandonment issues... It's hard to return to K-ville after being in STL, but I was able to get over my emotional urge to cry. However, when my dad left today...I immediately teared up and had to hide in my room to let it out. Even though I had steeled myself to not watch my dad leave, I ran to my window to watch his car drive away...I couldn't help it. It probably explains why I fear being left behind...being forgotten...and abandonment can be seen as a form of rejection, which I know is something I fear as well.
I have absolutely no idea how these issues came to be. My parents weren't the type to make me feel like I'd be abandoned. It probably comes from my other relationships...Let's face it...I didn't really have stable friendships till maybe 7th or 8th grade...and those became destabilized in high school...Even now sometimes I feel like all my relationships are unstable. It's probably because I myself am unstable and I'm too afraid to actually confirm that a relationship is firm and solid. Even if it's an obvious one... Oh, and let's face it...even though I claim that the past is past...The fact that the person I trusted to never hurt me left me with no explanation...that certainly doesn't help...and yet I cannot bring myself to point real blame at anyone. I don't let myself look at someone and go: "This is your fault." because it's also my own fault...I don't know why...but it is...somehow...
God! That's just the way I think! I don't want to blame anyone even though I know there were so many times where THEY were the ones who took action and I had done nothing wrong. I just can't bring myself to think so poorly of them because I remember the good times...I don't want to taint those with such toxic thoughts. I can't entirely blame someone unless I know that their motivation and mindset were just as wrong as their actions...Part or all of the blame always ends up on me. Somehow as a child I was instilled with this low self-esteem and low self-confidence. This inner pessimist that rarely shuts up. I think it's because so many people who were a source of support have also been a source of intense disappointment and hurt. Even if it was unintentional...I can't look at them the same way again...
Hell, I've even had my own mother say straight out to me: "You can't do it." She never apologized for it either. She also won't let me just talk. Even though my train of thought can go very bad...I NEED to just vent...I NEED to have someone listen quietly and then tell me I'm being an idiot (in a kind way). She'll say to me: "I don't want to hear this." Which is why I never talk to my mother about my problems...I don't really talk about my problems with my dad either because he's also of the avoidance school...only in a different way...More of an "I'll interrupt you with encouragement" sort of person and to me that's even worse because he isn't really listening to me. He just lets me talk until he can interrupt. He also firmly believes that there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just being overly dramatic. Yeah, in some ways I am, but I do have issues. My mom at least has a level of understanding that I have some form of social anxiety, which is why I'm not comfortable with the idea of having a job that would require immense contact with people, but my dad belives that there's absolutely no problem with suggesting and advocating my finding a job that is completely people-oriented.
I think this is partially why I want to see a therapist when I move home, so I have someone to tell my parents that it's NOT me being dramatic. I know I make a mountain out of a molehill over things sometimes, but I'm pretty damn consistent with my anxiety of social situations, especially when it involves strangers and/or crowds.
...Let's face it...I just don't trust people. They make me nervous.
Even if I fail here...My logic says that my family will NOT love me any less, yet I believe they'll look at me differently...They'll treat me differently...In a negative way...I don't know. I just feel that way. It's not that my family is made up of bad people...It's just how I perceive them...Looking at myself through their eyes...Yeah...I guess I really don't like myself that much...I don't necessarily mind being me...but...*sigh* I have no idea. I take pride in things I do well...yet there's something that manages to feed my self-loathing demon. I think part of it is that I don't like me BECAUSE I seem to think so poorly of people. I don't like it...
I just want to go home...I want to be done with this unstable lifestyle. I want to go home and have the chance to work on stabilizing myself. I certainly can't do that here...
I'm so tired of waiting...I feel like that's what I'm always doing...Waiting...Usually there's nothing I can do about it either...which further reinforces the idea of being passive. If I had things my way...I'd skip commencement completely and just go home on friday...but all the plans have been set...and...I really do want to wear a graduation robe with pride...Even if I hate ceremony.
It's sorta like last spring when I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stay in Truman or not...only much worse. If I got suspended from school, I'd just transfer and finish up in STL. This carries more of a price for me. Last spring I wouldn't feel like I failed to graduate if I did get suspended...this time...It's all about graduating and everyone is set up with the expectation that I will graduate, so if I don't...I don't want to even imagine the feeling... It makes me fell sick just contemplating the possibility.
Hmm...It's kinda funny...My bro and I aren't so different after all...the exception being our social abilities.
I know what my plan B is. If I fail to graduate, I move home and finish up at Meramec, so I know what the next step will be if I fail. I know what the next step will be if I succeed, which is move home and look for a job. It's the emotions that go with these events that are the problem. The endless chatter that occurs in my head.
*sigh* I think I've finally ranted myself out...I just want to get this week over with so I can deal with my finals and find out if I get to graduate or not.
I'm so fuckin' tired of waiting...
Whatever comes in the future...I'll deal with it...I just want this high anxiety time to come to an end. I do NOT like having my life revolve around such uncertainties.
Time to get back to work.
Catch ya' on the flipside, mates.
~Marty / Shin~
Current Book: Demon Lord of Karanda by David Eddings. 3rd book of the Mallorean. w00t.
Current Writing Projects:
Aoitsuki Yurai - 9 rewritten chapters posted (working on 10). Currently rewriting chapter 14. I gotta get 10 posted and then move on to 11.
Fallen Angel - I've got some of a chapter 6. Working on this one is intermittent. I think the chapter with Sephiroth in Medius (my idea of limbo) is the hard one. I sort of want his motivation to be different. Like his taking care of Sera is more of an obligation than something he wants to do. The only reason he does it is to avoid something he would find highly unpleasant...Like his existence being dissolved entirely. =D
Webcomic - I've been playing with a timeline, script stuff, and how I'm gonna write the story. I think I'm going to write the entire plot out before I write scripts. Hell, I'll probably do 'em at the same time.