I did not expect this to happen so soon...
My new blog is not to be very personal and I'm not ready to talk about it on facebook...but
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/stltoday/obituary.aspx?n=mary-blackmar-shelden&pid=148552257
Goodbye, Baba. I love you and will greatly miss you.
I still can't believe this is real...sometimes when I think about it I believe I'm dreaming, but then I look at my mom and reality hits me. I've never lost someone I was so close to before...When I lost Granddaddy Waldie I didn't understand what was going on (I was like...4?) and I wasn't very close to him. When Uncle Rod died I was sad, but I still hadn't known him very well, so it didn't hit me that hard.
To lose someone I've had the privilege of knowing for almost 24 years (I turn 24 in 4 days)...Who I've spent just about every single Christmas with...Who's one of the few people I get Valentine's Day cards from...Hell, I even got Halloween cards from her. Someone that I think will always be around (even though it's an unrealistic expectation)...I just...I just don't know.
I feel like I have to make sense of this...
I just don't know how to feel. I'm sad, yet I still manage to go about my daily routine...Kind of. I'm also angry, but happy that she hung on long enough that we all got one last Christmas with her...and now she isn't in any pain, which should be a good thing, but...I just don't know. I don't think I've fully accepted what's happened. I'm stuck in stage one of grief. Shock and denial. Even though I know what happened and I understand what happened...I don't want to acknowledge it completely.
Typing things is easy. Saying things aloud is really hard.
I didn't want to say goodbye so soon...She had been doing so well and then suddenly things went downhill...I keep going over and over in my head what might've been done to stop it...but nothing is feasible. I only got a bit of a warning...but I was so hopeful she'd pull through and then...she didn't. I wish I could've said goodbye to her. Though at the same time I definitely could not have handled seeing her in a hospital bed...That's not a memory I want.
In a way I'm pissed at God for taking her from me. Is it selfish to have wanted so much more time with her? I am close to so few people...I don't like it when one is taken away. I've lost one before, but never in such a permanent way.
I can't quite process it...
Everyone in my family has been reaching out to their friends...except me (this doesn't really count to me because I'm not actively seeking anyone out. This is for venting)...Only one of my friends knows something was going on and even then I was very vague. Right now I just don't want to accept what happened...I don't know how long this absurd behavior will last...but it's making my moods very volatile, which I don't like. I'm prone to sudden outbursts of negative emotion whether it's lashing out at someone or crying. My emotions are unstable and I hate it. I used to have so much control over them...It makes me feel weak when I don't.
For now...I'm stuck in this limbo of emotions...and I have no idea how long that's going to last.
I'll at least have to learn how to steel myself by her memorial service in June...I hate crying in front of other people. Even family.
I might write a few more of these venting posts in the coming months...It's the only way to keep myself sane right now.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty~
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/stltoday/obituary.aspx?n=mary-blackmar-shelden&pid=148552257
Goodbye, Baba. I love you and will greatly miss you.
I still can't believe this is real...sometimes when I think about it I believe I'm dreaming, but then I look at my mom and reality hits me. I've never lost someone I was so close to before...When I lost Granddaddy Waldie I didn't understand what was going on (I was like...4?) and I wasn't very close to him. When Uncle Rod died I was sad, but I still hadn't known him very well, so it didn't hit me that hard.
To lose someone I've had the privilege of knowing for almost 24 years (I turn 24 in 4 days)...Who I've spent just about every single Christmas with...Who's one of the few people I get Valentine's Day cards from...Hell, I even got Halloween cards from her. Someone that I think will always be around (even though it's an unrealistic expectation)...I just...I just don't know.
I feel like I have to make sense of this...
I just don't know how to feel. I'm sad, yet I still manage to go about my daily routine...Kind of. I'm also angry, but happy that she hung on long enough that we all got one last Christmas with her...and now she isn't in any pain, which should be a good thing, but...I just don't know. I don't think I've fully accepted what's happened. I'm stuck in stage one of grief. Shock and denial. Even though I know what happened and I understand what happened...I don't want to acknowledge it completely.
Typing things is easy. Saying things aloud is really hard.
I didn't want to say goodbye so soon...She had been doing so well and then suddenly things went downhill...I keep going over and over in my head what might've been done to stop it...but nothing is feasible. I only got a bit of a warning...but I was so hopeful she'd pull through and then...she didn't. I wish I could've said goodbye to her. Though at the same time I definitely could not have handled seeing her in a hospital bed...That's not a memory I want.
In a way I'm pissed at God for taking her from me. Is it selfish to have wanted so much more time with her? I am close to so few people...I don't like it when one is taken away. I've lost one before, but never in such a permanent way.
I can't quite process it...
Everyone in my family has been reaching out to their friends...except me (this doesn't really count to me because I'm not actively seeking anyone out. This is for venting)...Only one of my friends knows something was going on and even then I was very vague. Right now I just don't want to accept what happened...I don't know how long this absurd behavior will last...but it's making my moods very volatile, which I don't like. I'm prone to sudden outbursts of negative emotion whether it's lashing out at someone or crying. My emotions are unstable and I hate it. I used to have so much control over them...It makes me feel weak when I don't.
For now...I'm stuck in this limbo of emotions...and I have no idea how long that's going to last.
I'll at least have to learn how to steel myself by her memorial service in June...I hate crying in front of other people. Even family.
I might write a few more of these venting posts in the coming months...It's the only way to keep myself sane right now.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty~