Yet again, I just need to write.
**Edit** Okay, I lied. After writing about not paying for a paid account...I went and got one. I like having all those user pics. XD
Yeah, I'm trying to not pent up as much anymore, so this blog might actually get more traffic from me in the coming months. *shrug*
Warning: this is a stream of consciousness type entry...It may not always make sense. XD
Parents. We all have our issues with them ranging from small to large. Mine. They're wonderful people, but they do have their problems. While I don't have to play mediator very often, I dislike doing it, especially since I shouldn't have to. I'm their child. Why do I have to play peacemaker for them? For one they won't talk to each other about everything. Both are of the mind that it's best to be left to stew until the wrong comment makes things explode into an argument. They'd rather not push the issue or try to resolve it...and they wonder where I got my stubborn passivity from. It's from watching my dad tip toe around the issues that my mom goes nuts over, yet she won't say why nor will she do anything to relieve whatever pent up grudges she has that cause the sensitivity.
My mom hates it when I interrupt. Well, where does she think I learned it? She never lets my dad finish what he's saying when they fight or when anyone fights with her. She doesn't like to be defied. Even if she's in the wrong. She hates admitting when she's wrong as well. Correcting her? Hell, no. That's a big bad no no. You get yelled at if you correct her. No matter how delicately you do it. She firmly believes that children have no right to correct their parents regardless of age, education, or experience, which is annoying considering I now know more about psychology than she does and she refuses to understand when I try to explain to her why I am the way I am or about her or my dad. I try not to sound like I'm correcting her. Most of the time I really just want to have a discussion about the topic. I want that intellectual stimulation. I crave it. My parents are intelligent people. I want to learn from them, but apparently I'm not allowed to be assertive about it.
Let's face it. They really don't know me much at all. I never really opened up to them much until recently...even now I still won't talk to them about everything...Mostly because there are times where they really don't want to deal with it...nor are they encouraging all the time. My mother's outbursts can be very disturbing and hurtful. She never apologizes either...Not unless I apologize first for whatever my indiscretion was. It's always been this way. She didn't understand that I was depressed in high school and that's why I wanted to stay home so much. It's why I could never get my sleep schedule under control. I feared her in high school. Trying to tell her that I felt sick was always met with insults and yelling. Amazingly enough there were some times where she seemed to think over her reaction and come and apologize.
In some ways, being the baby really sucks. My sister was a relatively easy child, but my brother exhausted them. By the time they got to me, they were easy to give up the fight. If I didn't do something, I'd just get a disappointed look and a lecture. Sometimes there'd be real consequences, but not often. My urge to please my parents sort of died. It became obligation to fulfill their wishes as opposed to wanting to please them. I just didn't want them to be disappointed in me. In a way, I did very few things for myself. The ADHD didn't really help, but still...I took German because I thought I had to. I was in marching band because I believed that was expected of me...That's also the reason I went into percussion. It's what I was familiar with and since my brother and sister both did those things...I thought I had to as well. It's why I was in AP type classes. I thought I had to be in them...Even if I struggled. I was so relieved when I realized I didn't have to be in AP calculus. I was always afraid to tell them of bad grades because that usually just got me a lecture...and sometimes yelling. Did they offer to help me with my work? No. Understandable, they both work. Their energy level is low once they get home.
I felt pride when I got good grades...but I think that faded away when I realized that it wasn't all that extraordinary considering my sister's grades were always better. If I remember correctly, both my sibs were in gifted classes at some point in their lives...I wasn't. For part of a year I was in something similar, but I either got dropped or the program was cancelled. I don't remember. My achievements were average. I was their middle road child. I didn't fail at everything, but I didn't excel very much either. I'm also very introverted, which frustrates my parents to no end because I don't socialize very much. I've tried to explain to them about my avoidance issues with such things because it causes high anxiety, but they don't get it. There's a lot they don't get about me...even though I have tried to explain things to them.
Like I said, they don't know my behaviors very well...They don't understand that I tend to shut down when my stress level is high and I seek activities that have repetition and familiarity when I'm feeling that stress and/or anxiety. Like this whole thing with my grandmother...I don't really know how to handle it at all...this causes confusion, which adds to the stress I'm already feeling from my unpredictable moods and well...I get overwhelmed and start to shut down. I withdraw. I don't actively seek help out even though I know it'd be better if I did. To me weakness is bad. Vulnerability is bad. I do not want to be seen if I am feeling like this, which is why I avoid people when I'm feeling ill. If I didn't have this issue with appearing weak and vulnerable in front of others, I would've dragged myself out of bed and gone to classes on those days I felt like shit, but no. I hide instead. Even if I'm not physically feeling that way, if I think I won't be able to have control over my emotions...again, I hide. They don't really know about my breakdowns in high school. They don't understand the extent of my problems in college.
I don't think they realize how much I try not to rely on them merely because I don't think they'd support me. I don't talk to them much about my hobbies...The only time they actually care is if it becomes something they can boast about...Well, my dad's supportive of just about anything, but he's rather passive. My mom...She'll let me know if she thinks something I'm trying to do is just a waste of time. Hell, she used to tell me all the time in middle school and high school that my writing was a pointless use of my time...Until I got some award from a site that I was a member of for one of my poems. It gave her a bragging point...and she used it. She's only supportive of ventures she believes will bring me success. I remember once she told me flat out that there was no way I could juggle school and making stuff for an artist table. Her exact words were: "You can't do it." It's true that my school work did suffer, but it was already in trouble way before I was preparing for the con. My downfall that semester was inevitable whether I had those extra projects or not.
Perhaps I'm looking at this too negatively...but it's just the impression I get from her and rarely does she try to fix this impression...Even if I call her on it she usually just yells at me for "trying to correct her" or something of the like. Yeah. I have mother issues. My dad's too passive (sometimes passive-aggressive) to make problems with me. Like when I was a child, he doesn't want to be a disciplining parent. He wants to be the fun parent, which is one of the reasons he and my mom sometimes clash.
Like I was saying earlier...I rarely did anything with myself in mind. It was always "I have to do this because it's expected of me" or "I don't want to disappoint them." I think that's why I turned to RPing in the first place. I could be someone else. I could be special, which in those early years only led to more problems, but it did feed my interest in writing, so there were some good things. I think that's why I'm the way I am right now...I did everything my parents wanted...I went through all those years of school. I now have a BA in psychology. I did it because I believed I had to. It was my obligation to my parents. It's what was expected of me. If I truly did what I wanted...I somehow doubt I would've gone to Truman...I might not have even gone to college. I wasn't exactly interested in college life...I just wanted to get away, which ironically made me more attached to my parents and my community.
Now...I just want to be me. I've spent at least 18 years in school...maybe more if I include preschool (though I don't think that counts. XD). The last 3 years were like nonstop school because I did classes even in the summer. I just want time to just be. To just exist with minor responsibilities. Without my life revolving around something that I wasn't entirely doing for me. Right now I feel like if I get a job...It's not because I want one...It's because my parents want me to have one. I don't know what I want to do...I don't know what my job skills are. My parents don't understand this dilemma of mine. They obviously knew what they basically wanted to for some time. I know what I like to do, but they're not really feasible jobs unless I get very well known and successful. --;; Even my thoughts on being a dog trainer have faded because I'd have to go back to school to get certified...apparently I'm not that dedicated to the idea.
In a way like my brother...I'm sorta lost in the woods. I'm wandering all over the place with no real direction. I have some vague goals...but not much motivation for them.
Something my mom doesn't mind making absolutely clear is how disinterested she is in most of my interests. Anime, manga, fantasy, scifi, video games, writing, etc. We mesh well when it comes to things like CSI and food channel stuff, but everything else, not so much. Sometimes I think she wishes I was more refined and more girly. That I was more interested in things she thinks are normal. Even if I told her I doubt she'd understand the impact these things have had on my life.
After all these years, my parents still don't know that I almost attempted suicide in sixth grade. They don't know what I've done to myself in times of high stress and depression...even some of my friends don't know. I think I've only divulged my darkest secrets to one person and that's because I feel so comfortable with her...even if she can be a bit flakey. I don't discuss things with my parents because I doubt them so much...even though I shouldn't. Due to past actions, logic dictates they'd stand by me...but I just don't trust them enough...I don't believe in them that much. It's how I am with most people...I don't believe in them even though I know I should. Logic tells me I can...but I don't. My feelings have more power over my actions than my knowledge when it comes to these sorts of things.
That fear of weakness. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of intimacy. In a way...fear of being seen.
Meh. I don't know. I think my frustration is that I work hard to fulfill familial duties. I do far more than either of my sibs (though my sister is married now and thus has a family of her own, so she's slightly exempt from most things). I've taken the brunt of my mom's frustration over how my brother's behaving. Since he isn't here I have to deal with her bad moods caused by him. I'm just tired of it. Tired of being peacemaker. Tired of being a convenient scape goat of frustrated energy. Unfortunately, at this time I am in no shape to move out on my own. I'm not strong enough yet and my motivation is too shaky. I think one of the reasons I spend most of my time on the couch watching TV and doing random things...it's because I know it annoys my parents...I know it's something they don't want me to do...So I do it. However, I am now getting to the point where even I am starting to get bored with that routine, which is good because it means I'll start moving on to something else eventually.
Well, my train of thought is spent. I need to sleep...though I get the feeling this is going to affect me in some way tomorrow...whether it makes me more rebellious against my parents or not...*shrug* no idea. I suddenly want to call them out on everything, which would probably be a bad idea.
Enough thinking. Time for sleep.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty~
Yeah, I'm trying to not pent up as much anymore, so this blog might actually get more traffic from me in the coming months. *shrug*
Warning: this is a stream of consciousness type entry...It may not always make sense. XD
Parents. We all have our issues with them ranging from small to large. Mine. They're wonderful people, but they do have their problems. While I don't have to play mediator very often, I dislike doing it, especially since I shouldn't have to. I'm their child. Why do I have to play peacemaker for them? For one they won't talk to each other about everything. Both are of the mind that it's best to be left to stew until the wrong comment makes things explode into an argument. They'd rather not push the issue or try to resolve it...and they wonder where I got my stubborn passivity from. It's from watching my dad tip toe around the issues that my mom goes nuts over, yet she won't say why nor will she do anything to relieve whatever pent up grudges she has that cause the sensitivity.
My mom hates it when I interrupt. Well, where does she think I learned it? She never lets my dad finish what he's saying when they fight or when anyone fights with her. She doesn't like to be defied. Even if she's in the wrong. She hates admitting when she's wrong as well. Correcting her? Hell, no. That's a big bad no no. You get yelled at if you correct her. No matter how delicately you do it. She firmly believes that children have no right to correct their parents regardless of age, education, or experience, which is annoying considering I now know more about psychology than she does and she refuses to understand when I try to explain to her why I am the way I am or about her or my dad. I try not to sound like I'm correcting her. Most of the time I really just want to have a discussion about the topic. I want that intellectual stimulation. I crave it. My parents are intelligent people. I want to learn from them, but apparently I'm not allowed to be assertive about it.
Let's face it. They really don't know me much at all. I never really opened up to them much until recently...even now I still won't talk to them about everything...Mostly because there are times where they really don't want to deal with it...nor are they encouraging all the time. My mother's outbursts can be very disturbing and hurtful. She never apologizes either...Not unless I apologize first for whatever my indiscretion was. It's always been this way. She didn't understand that I was depressed in high school and that's why I wanted to stay home so much. It's why I could never get my sleep schedule under control. I feared her in high school. Trying to tell her that I felt sick was always met with insults and yelling. Amazingly enough there were some times where she seemed to think over her reaction and come and apologize.
In some ways, being the baby really sucks. My sister was a relatively easy child, but my brother exhausted them. By the time they got to me, they were easy to give up the fight. If I didn't do something, I'd just get a disappointed look and a lecture. Sometimes there'd be real consequences, but not often. My urge to please my parents sort of died. It became obligation to fulfill their wishes as opposed to wanting to please them. I just didn't want them to be disappointed in me. In a way, I did very few things for myself. The ADHD didn't really help, but still...I took German because I thought I had to. I was in marching band because I believed that was expected of me...That's also the reason I went into percussion. It's what I was familiar with and since my brother and sister both did those things...I thought I had to as well. It's why I was in AP type classes. I thought I had to be in them...Even if I struggled. I was so relieved when I realized I didn't have to be in AP calculus. I was always afraid to tell them of bad grades because that usually just got me a lecture...and sometimes yelling. Did they offer to help me with my work? No. Understandable, they both work. Their energy level is low once they get home.
I felt pride when I got good grades...but I think that faded away when I realized that it wasn't all that extraordinary considering my sister's grades were always better. If I remember correctly, both my sibs were in gifted classes at some point in their lives...I wasn't. For part of a year I was in something similar, but I either got dropped or the program was cancelled. I don't remember. My achievements were average. I was their middle road child. I didn't fail at everything, but I didn't excel very much either. I'm also very introverted, which frustrates my parents to no end because I don't socialize very much. I've tried to explain to them about my avoidance issues with such things because it causes high anxiety, but they don't get it. There's a lot they don't get about me...even though I have tried to explain things to them.
Like I said, they don't know my behaviors very well...They don't understand that I tend to shut down when my stress level is high and I seek activities that have repetition and familiarity when I'm feeling that stress and/or anxiety. Like this whole thing with my grandmother...I don't really know how to handle it at all...this causes confusion, which adds to the stress I'm already feeling from my unpredictable moods and well...I get overwhelmed and start to shut down. I withdraw. I don't actively seek help out even though I know it'd be better if I did. To me weakness is bad. Vulnerability is bad. I do not want to be seen if I am feeling like this, which is why I avoid people when I'm feeling ill. If I didn't have this issue with appearing weak and vulnerable in front of others, I would've dragged myself out of bed and gone to classes on those days I felt like shit, but no. I hide instead. Even if I'm not physically feeling that way, if I think I won't be able to have control over my emotions...again, I hide. They don't really know about my breakdowns in high school. They don't understand the extent of my problems in college.
I don't think they realize how much I try not to rely on them merely because I don't think they'd support me. I don't talk to them much about my hobbies...The only time they actually care is if it becomes something they can boast about...Well, my dad's supportive of just about anything, but he's rather passive. My mom...She'll let me know if she thinks something I'm trying to do is just a waste of time. Hell, she used to tell me all the time in middle school and high school that my writing was a pointless use of my time...Until I got some award from a site that I was a member of for one of my poems. It gave her a bragging point...and she used it. She's only supportive of ventures she believes will bring me success. I remember once she told me flat out that there was no way I could juggle school and making stuff for an artist table. Her exact words were: "You can't do it." It's true that my school work did suffer, but it was already in trouble way before I was preparing for the con. My downfall that semester was inevitable whether I had those extra projects or not.
Perhaps I'm looking at this too negatively...but it's just the impression I get from her and rarely does she try to fix this impression...Even if I call her on it she usually just yells at me for "trying to correct her" or something of the like. Yeah. I have mother issues. My dad's too passive (sometimes passive-aggressive) to make problems with me. Like when I was a child, he doesn't want to be a disciplining parent. He wants to be the fun parent, which is one of the reasons he and my mom sometimes clash.
Like I was saying earlier...I rarely did anything with myself in mind. It was always "I have to do this because it's expected of me" or "I don't want to disappoint them." I think that's why I turned to RPing in the first place. I could be someone else. I could be special, which in those early years only led to more problems, but it did feed my interest in writing, so there were some good things. I think that's why I'm the way I am right now...I did everything my parents wanted...I went through all those years of school. I now have a BA in psychology. I did it because I believed I had to. It was my obligation to my parents. It's what was expected of me. If I truly did what I wanted...I somehow doubt I would've gone to Truman...I might not have even gone to college. I wasn't exactly interested in college life...I just wanted to get away, which ironically made me more attached to my parents and my community.
Now...I just want to be me. I've spent at least 18 years in school...maybe more if I include preschool (though I don't think that counts. XD). The last 3 years were like nonstop school because I did classes even in the summer. I just want time to just be. To just exist with minor responsibilities. Without my life revolving around something that I wasn't entirely doing for me. Right now I feel like if I get a job...It's not because I want one...It's because my parents want me to have one. I don't know what I want to do...I don't know what my job skills are. My parents don't understand this dilemma of mine. They obviously knew what they basically wanted to for some time. I know what I like to do, but they're not really feasible jobs unless I get very well known and successful. --;; Even my thoughts on being a dog trainer have faded because I'd have to go back to school to get certified...apparently I'm not that dedicated to the idea.
In a way like my brother...I'm sorta lost in the woods. I'm wandering all over the place with no real direction. I have some vague goals...but not much motivation for them.
Something my mom doesn't mind making absolutely clear is how disinterested she is in most of my interests. Anime, manga, fantasy, scifi, video games, writing, etc. We mesh well when it comes to things like CSI and food channel stuff, but everything else, not so much. Sometimes I think she wishes I was more refined and more girly. That I was more interested in things she thinks are normal. Even if I told her I doubt she'd understand the impact these things have had on my life.
After all these years, my parents still don't know that I almost attempted suicide in sixth grade. They don't know what I've done to myself in times of high stress and depression...even some of my friends don't know. I think I've only divulged my darkest secrets to one person and that's because I feel so comfortable with her...even if she can be a bit flakey. I don't discuss things with my parents because I doubt them so much...even though I shouldn't. Due to past actions, logic dictates they'd stand by me...but I just don't trust them enough...I don't believe in them that much. It's how I am with most people...I don't believe in them even though I know I should. Logic tells me I can...but I don't. My feelings have more power over my actions than my knowledge when it comes to these sorts of things.
That fear of weakness. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of intimacy. In a way...fear of being seen.
Meh. I don't know. I think my frustration is that I work hard to fulfill familial duties. I do far more than either of my sibs (though my sister is married now and thus has a family of her own, so she's slightly exempt from most things). I've taken the brunt of my mom's frustration over how my brother's behaving. Since he isn't here I have to deal with her bad moods caused by him. I'm just tired of it. Tired of being peacemaker. Tired of being a convenient scape goat of frustrated energy. Unfortunately, at this time I am in no shape to move out on my own. I'm not strong enough yet and my motivation is too shaky. I think one of the reasons I spend most of my time on the couch watching TV and doing random things...it's because I know it annoys my parents...I know it's something they don't want me to do...So I do it. However, I am now getting to the point where even I am starting to get bored with that routine, which is good because it means I'll start moving on to something else eventually.
Well, my train of thought is spent. I need to sleep...though I get the feeling this is going to affect me in some way tomorrow...whether it makes me more rebellious against my parents or not...*shrug* no idea. I suddenly want to call them out on everything, which would probably be a bad idea.
Enough thinking. Time for sleep.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty~