I thought this would be short, but my train of thought kept going.
Yeah, this is definitely my venting blog...The following entry may be a bit on the darker side, so if you prefer to avoid unpleasantness, please skip reading this.
Well, first off, I was tortured by my brain yesterday because it used the number one person on the no-no list in my dreams and put me in a situation that I've fantasized about before. Well, it was just a hug, but...It was sort of one of those "I don't want to let you go hugs". The context was a bit wonky considering in my dream I didn't think it was the guy (somehow I got convinced that it was his younger brother...even though he has no younger brothers near his age). The worst part was that I could feel the hug. It felt so real. The warmth and pressure. I almost couldn't breath because he was holding me so tightly.
What a weird sensation considering I've never had anyone hold me like that before. Not even my parents. I've only had one person hug me in a similar fashion, but the emotions were flat. I don't think there was much meaning behind it and all I felt was awkward and uncomfortable. It was an embrace that scared me. He couldn't read my emotions at all, which is why I don't think he really felt anything for me. It was very obvious I was uncomfortable and he couldn't pick up on it at all.
However, after catching up with Skip Beat and reading Hana no Namae...It's sorta reminded me of something...Lately I've been feeling like I've forgotten what it's like to love someone, but I haven't. I remember those emotions very clearly and can still feel them...I've just become less receptive to them. I've pushed them away so much...Basically, I've come to realize that I'm apparently trying my best to never have such feelings ever again. However, it's not just because I'm afraid of falling in love and getting hurt again...In some ways, I'm punishing myself. While I mostly like myself, there is a part of me that hates myself. My cowardice, my indecisiveness, my passiveness, etc. There's a part of me that firmly believes I should never be happy...because I've done something that goes against my moral code. For me the biggest taboo is to hurt someone I care about...It's even worse if I do it on purpose. It's never been physical, but I have done mental and emotional harm before. In most cases it wasn't on purpose, but there were a few times where I lashed out with the intention to hurt them. Even if I've apologized...I can't forgive myself for being so blinded by anger to do that to someone I care for.
I feel like I have no right to love someone and be loved back...I don't know why...It doesn't help that I'm scared of such an intimate relationship. However, this is exactly why I haven't had a successful relationship...or even tried to start one. Seriously, I don't try. I put more effort in keeping my feelings in check and sometimes I lock them up and bury them. I figure it's just easier that way. Besides, getting away from self-loathing is difficult...Even after all these years...At least I like myself more now than I did before I started therapy three and a half years ago (wow, has it really been that long?).
I don't friend Andrew on facebook because I'm afraid of finding out that he doesn't remember who I am, which for some reason I firmly believe is the case. I'm not the most memorable person...and I got it into my head that I wasn't very important to him therefore he never told me he was moving. I'm just pleased to see he's happy...or appears to be so. I prefer to believe that he is. Maybe someday I'll have the courage to find out if we can be friends again after all these years...who knows.
I don't pursue much of a friendship with Don because, well, I've convinced myself that it wasn't really us having a relationship...we were caught up with our characters...It's hard to tell since it was only online interaction. We talked over the phone once and that was awkward because I didn't know what to talk about. Right now I'm happy to just have an awkward friendship with this person whose writing I admire.
I doubt anything would've come from talking to Arthur. He seems more pleased with being friends with people than pursuing anything deeper. I think I liked him because he was so easy to talk to...His weirdness was fun, too. In a way, I felt safe when I was around him...of course that was to an extent. I don't think I ever cried in front of him. Hell, I cry in front of very few people...Very few. Most of my friends have never seen me cry out of real sadness. If they've seen me cry it's always in response to something in an anime. It's never that vulnerable type of crying.
I just refuse to be vulnerable in front of people. I refuse to show weakness. Why? Because I believe people will take advantage of it...Let's face it, I do. It's what happened in the past when people knew my weaknesses. I learned a long time ago that things I confided in people would always be used against me. That's why all my secrets are kept in me. Whatever I tell others are things that I don't give a damn if others hear about. Information that can't be used as a weapon against me. Even now I don't care about this information. What could anyone possibly do? If any of the guys I mentioned read this? Meh...Not like I'm going to see them any time soon and I highly doubt anything would come of it, except maybe they'd think I was crazy or sommat, but sometimes that's an image I aim for. I don't care if people think I'm nuts...'cause I kind of am.
I am broken. I am damaged. I am defective. However, I keep living. Despite that self-loathing. I keep going. I try to keep strong and carry on. Even after I have break downs, I just get up and continue. After all these years how could I not learn how to pick myself up and shove myself back into living. It doesn't mean I'm fixed or back to normal. I am beyond self-fixing, but I'm to the point where I can function properly in society...to an extent. I know that to be completely healed...I'd have to do the one thing I don't want to do...Be intimate with another. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Let myself be vulnerable and weak in front of another. Place complete trust in another human being...which I have not done since Andrew. I don't even fully trust my parents. Perhaps there was one person who I believed I could completely trust...if I ever tried to confide in her. That was my grandmother...Despite my distrust of people...I never felt that for her. I may not have confided everything in her, but that's because I always felt better when she was around. I just have this feeling that if I told her my darkest secrets...She'd just hug me and accept it...She'd still love me no matter what. I felt safe with her no matter what mood I was in...And that's just so rare...
What do I want?
Yes, I want love, but I think most of all I want to know that I mean so much to someone...To be valuable...To be needed...I don't know if I've actually felt that or not...I certainly don't know what it's like to have someone look you in the eyes and say they love you...that you mean something to them...God, I wonder what that would feel like. To know that your existence is so valued by another human being. Must be nice.
I know I have people who care for me, but it's friendship and kinship. I want to know what it feels like to have someone love you so deeply...That intimate romance. For years I've watched people with that relationship...Yes, I've felt jealous, but overall...I cheer for them. Like my friends, I'm always so happy when they've found someone to share such a deep bond with...because it makes them happy.
Well, I think I've drained the pressure in my head. I now feel rather flat, which is nice. Though I'm almost feeling stupid bold...Which if it were combined with drunkenness I probably would do something really dumb like friending the guy I said I wouldn't friend or saying something to him or one of the other two that I shouldn't. Thank god I prefer to stay sober. I like functioning and not making an ass of myself. Though I may or may not have done that in this post...I dunno. People perceive behavior differently.
Unfortunately, I also now feel like breaking things...but I always feel that way after writing such things. I just feel better by putting these thoughts out there. Even if no one pays attention. *shrug* It's not like there's anything anyone can say that will make me feel better.
I expect nothing.
Now to try to sleep.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty~
Well, first off, I was tortured by my brain yesterday because it used the number one person on the no-no list in my dreams and put me in a situation that I've fantasized about before. Well, it was just a hug, but...It was sort of one of those "I don't want to let you go hugs". The context was a bit wonky considering in my dream I didn't think it was the guy (somehow I got convinced that it was his younger brother...even though he has no younger brothers near his age). The worst part was that I could feel the hug. It felt so real. The warmth and pressure. I almost couldn't breath because he was holding me so tightly.
What a weird sensation considering I've never had anyone hold me like that before. Not even my parents. I've only had one person hug me in a similar fashion, but the emotions were flat. I don't think there was much meaning behind it and all I felt was awkward and uncomfortable. It was an embrace that scared me. He couldn't read my emotions at all, which is why I don't think he really felt anything for me. It was very obvious I was uncomfortable and he couldn't pick up on it at all.
However, after catching up with Skip Beat and reading Hana no Namae...It's sorta reminded me of something...Lately I've been feeling like I've forgotten what it's like to love someone, but I haven't. I remember those emotions very clearly and can still feel them...I've just become less receptive to them. I've pushed them away so much...Basically, I've come to realize that I'm apparently trying my best to never have such feelings ever again. However, it's not just because I'm afraid of falling in love and getting hurt again...In some ways, I'm punishing myself. While I mostly like myself, there is a part of me that hates myself. My cowardice, my indecisiveness, my passiveness, etc. There's a part of me that firmly believes I should never be happy...because I've done something that goes against my moral code. For me the biggest taboo is to hurt someone I care about...It's even worse if I do it on purpose. It's never been physical, but I have done mental and emotional harm before. In most cases it wasn't on purpose, but there were a few times where I lashed out with the intention to hurt them. Even if I've apologized...I can't forgive myself for being so blinded by anger to do that to someone I care for.
I feel like I have no right to love someone and be loved back...I don't know why...It doesn't help that I'm scared of such an intimate relationship. However, this is exactly why I haven't had a successful relationship...or even tried to start one. Seriously, I don't try. I put more effort in keeping my feelings in check and sometimes I lock them up and bury them. I figure it's just easier that way. Besides, getting away from self-loathing is difficult...Even after all these years...At least I like myself more now than I did before I started therapy three and a half years ago (wow, has it really been that long?).
I don't friend Andrew on facebook because I'm afraid of finding out that he doesn't remember who I am, which for some reason I firmly believe is the case. I'm not the most memorable person...and I got it into my head that I wasn't very important to him therefore he never told me he was moving. I'm just pleased to see he's happy...or appears to be so. I prefer to believe that he is. Maybe someday I'll have the courage to find out if we can be friends again after all these years...who knows.
I don't pursue much of a friendship with Don because, well, I've convinced myself that it wasn't really us having a relationship...we were caught up with our characters...It's hard to tell since it was only online interaction. We talked over the phone once and that was awkward because I didn't know what to talk about. Right now I'm happy to just have an awkward friendship with this person whose writing I admire.
I doubt anything would've come from talking to Arthur. He seems more pleased with being friends with people than pursuing anything deeper. I think I liked him because he was so easy to talk to...His weirdness was fun, too. In a way, I felt safe when I was around him...of course that was to an extent. I don't think I ever cried in front of him. Hell, I cry in front of very few people...Very few. Most of my friends have never seen me cry out of real sadness. If they've seen me cry it's always in response to something in an anime. It's never that vulnerable type of crying.
I just refuse to be vulnerable in front of people. I refuse to show weakness. Why? Because I believe people will take advantage of it...Let's face it, I do. It's what happened in the past when people knew my weaknesses. I learned a long time ago that things I confided in people would always be used against me. That's why all my secrets are kept in me. Whatever I tell others are things that I don't give a damn if others hear about. Information that can't be used as a weapon against me. Even now I don't care about this information. What could anyone possibly do? If any of the guys I mentioned read this? Meh...Not like I'm going to see them any time soon and I highly doubt anything would come of it, except maybe they'd think I was crazy or sommat, but sometimes that's an image I aim for. I don't care if people think I'm nuts...'cause I kind of am.
I am broken. I am damaged. I am defective. However, I keep living. Despite that self-loathing. I keep going. I try to keep strong and carry on. Even after I have break downs, I just get up and continue. After all these years how could I not learn how to pick myself up and shove myself back into living. It doesn't mean I'm fixed or back to normal. I am beyond self-fixing, but I'm to the point where I can function properly in society...to an extent. I know that to be completely healed...I'd have to do the one thing I don't want to do...Be intimate with another. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Let myself be vulnerable and weak in front of another. Place complete trust in another human being...which I have not done since Andrew. I don't even fully trust my parents. Perhaps there was one person who I believed I could completely trust...if I ever tried to confide in her. That was my grandmother...Despite my distrust of people...I never felt that for her. I may not have confided everything in her, but that's because I always felt better when she was around. I just have this feeling that if I told her my darkest secrets...She'd just hug me and accept it...She'd still love me no matter what. I felt safe with her no matter what mood I was in...And that's just so rare...
What do I want?
Yes, I want love, but I think most of all I want to know that I mean so much to someone...To be valuable...To be needed...I don't know if I've actually felt that or not...I certainly don't know what it's like to have someone look you in the eyes and say they love you...that you mean something to them...God, I wonder what that would feel like. To know that your existence is so valued by another human being. Must be nice.
I know I have people who care for me, but it's friendship and kinship. I want to know what it feels like to have someone love you so deeply...That intimate romance. For years I've watched people with that relationship...Yes, I've felt jealous, but overall...I cheer for them. Like my friends, I'm always so happy when they've found someone to share such a deep bond with...because it makes them happy.
Well, I think I've drained the pressure in my head. I now feel rather flat, which is nice. Though I'm almost feeling stupid bold...Which if it were combined with drunkenness I probably would do something really dumb like friending the guy I said I wouldn't friend or saying something to him or one of the other two that I shouldn't. Thank god I prefer to stay sober. I like functioning and not making an ass of myself. Though I may or may not have done that in this post...I dunno. People perceive behavior differently.
Unfortunately, I also now feel like breaking things...but I always feel that way after writing such things. I just feel better by putting these thoughts out there. Even if no one pays attention. *shrug* It's not like there's anything anyone can say that will make me feel better.
I expect nothing.
Now to try to sleep.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty~