Insomnia is summoned by endless brain chatter
I don't know why, but I read a few of my previous posts...and one talked about prayers. Prayers for two specific people. Ten days after I wrote that entry, my grandmother...My Baba, passed away...and six months after that day...the member of my church family lost his battle with cancer. Yeah...Ten days ago we lost Andy. I hadn't seen him in months...I stopped going to church when Baba died because I felt so betrayed by God...and now I feel like that was such a stupid thing to do. However, I felt lost...and very separate from the rest of my church family. It had been so long since I had gone to church regularly that being in church kinda felt weird. Even now...I'm still reluctant because I'm still kind of resentful toward the deity that my church revolves around...and I don't know if I could bear to see Ann Marie without Andy. I was so used to seeing them together...it's how they are in my memory.
This is very difficult to handle...and it greatly confuses me. I've lost two people that have been in my life...all my life...for as long as I can remember (albeit in different roles) and I don't know how to deal. Yes, the funerals did help somewhat. They offered closure...kinda, but I don't know how to deal with it in the long run. I don't like change and this is the most permanent kind because I'll never see them again. I'll never get to talk to them again...and that's really hard to comprehend. Even though I'm an adult...my mind has several areas that are underdeveloped and still at a child's level. I just can't fathom them not being in my life. It won't hit me until some event or gathering where I expect them to be there only to suddenly remember that they can't be there...and they'll never be there again.
With my Baba, it'll be on Christmas...and any birthday and holiday that I get a card that just has "Granpa" written on it. I love my Granpa, I do, but I'm always going to be reminded of my Baba. Any time I see a bird I tend to be reminded of her, especially hummingbirds and cardinals. I see Snoopy, I think of her because she loved it so much. Harry Potter will always remind me of her because we shared a love for that book series as well as a little ritual each time a book came out. She'd send me money to buy a copy and once I finished the book, I'd send it to her, so she could read it. Then we'd discuss it the next time we saw each other.
With Andy...It'll be any time I walk in to choir (whenever I return to it), see Ann Marie, or...if we ever get back them, when we do a musical. He was our set and stage designer. I learned so much from him and admired him greatly. He was one of those adults I aspired to be like when I was a kid. Funny, intelligent, artistic, adventurous, kind...I could go on. It's hard to imagine him not being around.
Then there's the mess that is my life. I feel lost. I don't entirely know what to do with myself. I have realized that my life wouldn't change so unbearably drastically if I got a job, but I haven't acted. It's still an unknown that scares me. I don't like change. I never have. Right now I still feel that if I got a job it'd just be to make my parents shut up about it...not because I want to better myself. I just don't know.
I used to have so much passion about so many things...but I don't know where it has gone. I feel like I'm just walking in circles at a fork in the road...a fork that has many paths. Too many. It's overwhelming.
I'm also still suffering from that self-doubt. That devilish little imp that makes me think no one would want to hire me and the fact that I have little to no resumé makes me think the little bastard is right.
I'm lost in indecision. I've invested in my health with the fitness center and my pottery. I'm afraid of those falling by the wayside if I get a job. I want to get back to writing, but...I don't know. I just don't know. I need to get inspired again.
I need to find my passion. My drive. My inspiration. My muses. I think the indecision with job hunting is muddling everything. Being passive about finding a job makes me feel terrible and the fights with my parents don't make it any better. That draws energy away from everything else. I need to just get out and do it. Go to the places that I'm interested in and fill out the damn applications. Even if there's no chance of getting hired, I should just do it so I have an answer instead of just the simple shrug that usually helps me evade the question.
It's times like these I wish I had some pushy friends who would come drag me out of the house and make me act, but I've never really had many friends like that...much less any who have the time to do it nowadays. They're either in school, graduate programs, or they have a job. It makes me feel so childish and immature. I'm legally an adult. I'm half a year away from reaching the age when the brain is said to finally be fully developed (don't ask me what that has to do with anything...it feels like an adult thing). I should strive to behave at least a bit more like an adult and enter the workforce. So many new things come with such a step, but I have to deal with them sooner or later. No matter how much I wish I could avoid such things. I cannot.
About twelve or thirteen years ago decided I wanted to continue this life instead of end it. Now it's time I took more responsibility for that decision and start having one instead of hiding. It'll be hard, but it's something I have to do. I will be better for it.
I think I might get to sleep now.
Oyasuminasai, minna-san.
~Marty~