(no subject)
I feel like Britt, pouring myself into something like this.
..even though I knew in the beginning that I was being watched. Even though from the beginning Xia and I knew that it would come down to this, and it's why she left her journal in the first place. So taikodrum, she didn't just stop writing. She stopped writing in fear of Quinn and Ashley, whom I'm sure are reading this at the moment.
Since I was so dramatically heavy on how Amber's helped me, Xia more than deserves to be put on a pedestal. It's most likely the only way to actually convince people that I don't REGRET her. I mean, really, what I horrible thing to say about somebody and then send to them. It goes beyond being honest, and goes straight into being downright deceitful and slanderous.
But then again, wouldn't you assume the same thing would happen to you if somebody was judging you based on a persona you used up and threw away years ago? A persona that people still expect you to abide by, and don't realized that you've changed simply based on the fact that they haven't looked.
That's right. The two of you have been so intertwined with yourselves, that you did neglect to see that I'm not the same as I was when I was what? Fifteen? My birthday was five days ago, and that makes it three years since I've acted in that way.
I only talk about myself when I'm moderately peeved. Which is the truth. I only say things pretaining to myself when I have a point to prove, or if somebody tries to tell me something that I'm committed to isn't going to work.
I don't talk to people when I'm pretending to be angry so that I may observe their reaction.
I hurt people when I get to the point of actually being angry. Now do you see anybody that's actually been hurt by me physically? No. I make sure to keep that anger in check at all times of the day.
Anger that could, should, and would be unleashed on two people that believe that they can judge and decide and base a conclusion on what's not even half of what I could tell or what I could go on to spin in a web of complicated strings.
..strings can cut if they're used right. Monofilament can sever limbs if pulled at the right time. Fishing line is known as a deadly substance.
My, all that rage did take a decent chunk out of talking about what Xia's done for me.
Nonetheless, "spying" on a person and coming to a conclusion without having the whole story always gets people into trouble. It destroys trust.
And pushing people away isn't what we did. It's what you've done. Don't talk to me about pushing somebody away when you can't see that you've done it yourself and continue to do it by doing things like this.
She's the one that guided me. You can do nothing with power if you don't have a guiding force to control how it's distributed. The power to control doesn't come in itself. Amber sowed seeds that continue to grow, but only because Xia is the one that truly inspired me to use the ability she endowed upon me.
The power to make people listen to what isn't being heard.
The power to change a person's mind be simply offering the viewpoint of another through observation.
The power to make someone truly see what's there.
Mind you, it wasn't anyone but myself that had to tell a poor girl that the girl she admired and loved simply wasn't reciprocating what she felt. No, everyone else just sat there and watched, debating about how long it was going to last. Nobody helped her. So I did.
The confidence to use that power.
Nobody heard the Senior Project speech I gave. Simply because letting everyone know that I had such a gift was indeniably a certain way to let go of that power, and that guiding force that led me to properly use it.
I could never REGRET being with Xia. Not now, not EVER. So do me a favor a retract that statement. Oh. I never have thought about if I could do better or what else is there. That was always what she thought, and what she asked.
"I don't know why you care about me so much when I know you could do a lot better than me."
"That's only what you think. There's no better friend than you."
While I might be able to feel how Amber's doing in my hand, I feel Xia throughout my body. She's more of me than Amber could ever be, and it's not something that many people know.
But I can't entirely divulge any more information along those lines, seeing as, the people I'm actually addressing this to are watching, reading, analyzing. They don't believe me, and they think I'm going along extra lengths to deny any tie to Amber.
Which is why nobody gets the entire truth. Which is actually why I've never actually written about my day or my actual THOUGHTS in this silly journal.
A lesser person would get a new one. Run away. No thanks.
You either believe me, or I simply don't bother with you anymore. There isn't belief in what you want to say I'm doing. There's belief in what I'm telling you.
Simply, if you disagree, shut up.
Don't all of you love it when somebody studying psychology tries to break you down and tell you how you think? ..and don't you all love when they use techniques that work with the rational people of the world?
You can't break down the thought pattern of an irrational. I could be saying something simply to say it.
I don't lie. But that doesn't mean I can neglect to tell you everything.
To think. This is the reason that I don't draw in front of people anymore. They try to gather too much from your strokes even when they don't know the art.