SHINee Duets 2012: artificiallilac & rsquared_pi
Title: C’est la Vie
Authors: artificiallilac & rsquared_pi
Pairing: Jonghyun/Kibum
Rating: Pg-13
Warnings: Cursing
Authors’ Notes: We really didn’t know what we were doing. This is what you get when you take inspiration from a tree. A TREE.
There were times where Jonghyun didn’t know what he wanted anymore. When he did know what he wanted, it normally consisted of wanting to sing his whole life, having a family, and just living happily in general. But there were times, rare as they were, where he didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know if he really wanted to sing (if it was enough); if he needed a family, if being happy was what he was really after. That if he didn’t have the obligations of running his fathers’ business, how would things be different? And he would ponder it for hours and hours, wasting away the day as if he didn’t have anything else to do. Which he really didn't unless doing homework that his professor’s assigned him counted.
Days like those, like today, Jonghyun would spend in a café near by the college campus.
He’d order his normal hot coffee, black with no sugar and sit by the table that gave him a view of the waterfront that was also nearby.
“Long day?”
Jonghyun looked away from the window to see Jinki, the usual barista he’d see.
“Yeah,” Jonghyun replied sighing, “You can say that.”
Jinki nodded understandingly and then smiled,
“Would you mind me recommending you something?”
Jonghyun blinked before grinning in response, “No, not all!” He rolled his eyes, “I could use some advice.”
“You need a friend.”
Jonghyun frowned,
“You’re my friend.”
Jinki sighed heavily before turning to wipe a table behind him,
“Jonghyun,” He started tiredly, “You know what I mean.”
“No actually. I have no idea.” Jonghyun countered and then stood up, “Let’s continue this when I actually give a fuck.”
He gave a quick, teasing salute and left, door chiming shut behind him.
Jonghyun coughed into the crook of his arm, flinching slightly when a cool breeze hit him with full force. The cold had rolled in early this year and Jonghyun found it difficult to adapt quickly. It was hard to say goodbye to fall with its colorful leaves and aura that only came with said season. Nothing made him happier than stepping on fresh fallen leaves and hearing the satisfying crunch that came with the contact.
Of course there were also his mother’s smiles. Those made him feel like the luckiest boy in the world. Nothing could beat those (he still wondered if anything could).
But of course, like everything and everyone else, she left him.
Jonghyun didn’t mind though, he was used to it by now.
College wasn’t difficult. Not most of the time anyways. He was on friendly terms with all his professors and always passed his assignments with perfect marks. Of course, that was expected from a future CEO. His father didn’t expect any less from him and Jonghyun himself knew what he was capable of. He knew that he was intelligent, that not only was he quick to catch on to things, but he understood the business world, knew how to handle it. It was only time before he’d graduate top of his class (just like he did in high school) and go on to take after his father. The thing was it wasn’t what Jonghyun wanted. Not by a long shot.
But it didn’t matter what he wanted. It never did, not after his mother died.
If there family was a solar system, his mother would be the sun-no, she would be the force that kept everything together. After she passed away, everything fell apart. Jonghyun and his father were never close to begin with, although they spoke to each other and were not on bad terms with each other, his mother was who kept them as close as they were. After her death, his father came home less and less and when he did come home, it would be at ungodly hours, smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. Their conversations would be short and awkward. He would ask Jonghyun about school and Jonghyun would ask his father about work. That was where it began and it was also, sadly, where it ended. Jonghyun didn’t blame him, didn’t know how to approach him, and while he was hurting too, Jonghyun didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do to make things right again.
So Jonghyun made it his goal to do what he had to make his father smile. And if that meant sacrificing his happiness and passion and going into the world of business, then so be it. Jonghyun had convinced himself that as long his father was happy, he was happy.
Even if his fathers’ happiness cost Jonghyun his own.
Jonghyun sat quietly; head leaned back against his headboard as he watched the smoke curl from his cigarette into the silent room. Eyes glazed over and mind a bit hazy, he glanced over at the digital clock blinking back at him.
12:00 a.m.
He knew that it was broken. Chuck, his roommate had been nagging at him since last month to get a new one but to no avail. Jonghyun knew that eventually Chuck would end up buying it. It was always like that anyways. Jonghyun brought his fingers up towards his face, taking a quick drag from the cigarette before crushing it completely in the bowl by his bedside.
He closed his eyes for a moment and ignored the sound he couldn’t place that was filtering in through his cracked window. His mind began to wander and he thought back to when he was twelve, his mother taking him to the local diner and feeding him his favorite, a slice of apple pie. Things were so simple back then. His thoughts were interrupted when the dorm room door flung open and in came a stranger, one with a very livid looking expression, Jonghyun noted.
“Where’s Chuck?” The boy asked, mouth down turned into a frown.
Jonghyun leaned away from the headboard and stood up, bead creaking slightly,
“Who are you supposed to be?”
The boy blinked, mouth agape,
“Excuse me? I,” He shook his head, “That’s none of your business!”
Jonghyun quirked a brow,
“Yeah? Well last time I checked, this is my room too.”
The boy scoffed, flipping his raven head filled with colorful highlights to the side.
“Yeah?” He mocked, “Well are you Chuck? No. So it really has nothing to do with you.”
Jonghyun rolled his eyes,
“Whatever, he’s not here.”
The boy shook his head,
“I’m so not dealing with this.” He sighed, eyes looking suddenly tired and Jonghyun almost felt bad for him.
Almost.
“Give this to him for me?” The boy asked holding out a sealed envelope.
Jonghyun stared at the thin, pale outstretched arm for a moment and then back up at the boy looking back at him expectantly.
“A love letter?”
The boy snorted shaking his head, “No. Oh God no.” He waved the letter, “Just give it to
him?”
Jonghyun took the envelope,
“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded, “You owe me…”
“Kibum.” The boy introduced, “And I owe you shit.”
Jonghyun grinned, “Such profanity! Did your parents teach you nothing?”
“My parents are dead.” The boy, Kibum, blurted dully.
Jonghyun suddenly felt like a completely and utter jerk,
“I-I-I didn’t know,” He stuttered, “I’m sorry.”
Kibum turned around, “Save it for someone who cares,” he stated and walked out, leaving for where ever he was headed next, but not before turning around and grinning,
“Your flies open by the way.”
Jonghyun flushed looked down to see that his zipper was indeed, undone.
He looked up to retort only to see that Kibum had already left.
It was strange. So, so, so strange, and Jonghyun couldn’t find out for the life of him why couldn’t stop thinking about the boy, Kibum. Sure, the boy had a distinct looking face, with his high cheekbones, heart shaped lips and dark, feline eyes-but it wasn’t his pretty face that kept him in the confines of Jonghyun’s mind. It was something else. Something that made Jonghyun do something stupid like forget the history exam he had tomorrow and go look for the boy.
Something that had to do with the accident his mother died in.
“You have the look on your face again.” Chuck stated from his side of the room.
Jonghyun frowned,
“What look?”
Chuck shrugged, “You know,” He began, “The one where it looks like your constipated
but it’s totally obvious that you’re confused. You usually write really good poetry when you have that look.”
Jonghyun tried to look affronted, “Constipated?”
“Yeah, ignore everything else I say.” Chuck mumbled, before going back to texting his new girlfriend of the week.
Jonghyun stared at his roommate text away. He could just ask, he could and it would help put to rest his, very, restless mind.
“Chuck?” He called out tentatively.
Chuck looked up from his cellphone,
“Yeah?”
“Who’s Kibum?”
Chuck’s face scrunched together, “Kibum? You mean Key?”
“Key?”
“Yeah, that’s what we all call him. Cool kid. Too gay to function, but totally cool.”
Chuck nodded smiling fondly, “But why are you asking?”
“What did that letter say?” Jonghyun asked.
“Why are you so curious?” Chuck teased and then shook his head, “It was nothing, it wasn’t even a letter. It was money he owed me.”
Jonghyun was even more confused now. Why did Kibum owe Chuck money?
Chuck, noticing Jonghyun’s puzzled expression, felt the need to explain.
“He’s not very wealthy; he needed money to get books for the new semester.”
Jonghyun nodded.
“Why do you care?” Chuck asked.
“No reason.” Jonghyun answered realization finally hitting him---he didn’t care.
It was strange that Kibum seemed to be everywhere since the day that Jonghyun had met him. It was those rare instances when the college gave them breaks that Jonghyun would get to go and get a cup of coffee. In truth, Jonghyun didn’t even like coffee, he only took it because that’s where all the other students would and it was one of the quietest places to go---besides the library. Jonghyun strode into the small shop to find it less busy than usual, he came to the conclusion that all the students went to try that new pizza shop down the street. The less populated the better, was Jonghyun’s policy. It wasn’t like he didn’t want friends, in fact, he had a lot. He just needed to study.
Jonghyun took his usual seat two tables from the front, not that far from the counter and briefly wondered if Jinki was working today.
“Can I take your order sir?”
Jonghyun looked up to see a familiar face.
“Didn’t I see you last time? At the dorm?” Jonghyun asked surprised to see the boy there, but not that surprised because he knew of Kibum’s situation.
All the while, Kibum was still unaware of his realization.
Kibum studied Jonghyun’s face for a minute.
“What a lovely memory you have.” Kibum stated with sarcasm underlining his voice.
Jonghyun frowned,
“Boy, do I feel welcomed.” Jonghyun answered dryly.
“What can I get for you sir, my job time is extremely precious and you seem to be taking much of it” Kibum stated which sounded more like “you’re wasting my time” to Jonghyun.
“Black with no sugar” Jonghyun answered disappointedly.
“Wow, I think I know you already.” Kibum wrote into his notepad with fake enthusiasm.
“Excuse me?” Jonghyun asked, slightly offended. “What exactly does my order tell you about me?”
“Oh! You’re excused!” Kibum chirped teasingly leaving to place the order.
Jonghyun stared at Kibum’s retreating figure unfazed yet surprised at the boy’s attitude.
Jonghyun shook off the small encounter.
Jonghyun ignored the loud ruckus from the trucks outside and set his thoughts on math, yes, numbers and letters put together in a problem beautifully.
“Your order, sir.”
It was someone else this time, Jonghyun presumed Kibum didn’t want to see him anymore after their little conversation and sent another person. He thanked her only for her to leave without answering.
“She must be new.” Jonghyun thought to himself taking a sip of the coffee, only to scald his tongue in return of the heat still present in the coffee.
It was probably two or three weeks after the meeting in the coffee shop that Jonghyun saw Kibum again at the Laundromat. There was nothing unusual about seeing a college student doing their own laundry, not in this day and age. Jonghyun was going to ignore the boy until he noticed Chuck’s shirt in Kibum’s hand.
“Woah there buddy! That’s Chucks’s shirt!” Jonghyun exclaimed taking the shirt from Kibum into his own hands.
“Yes it is,” Kibum answered angrily taking back the shirt, “So is the rest of the laundry.”
Jonghyun looked over to the pile of clothes---yes, those were definitely Chucks’ underwear.
“Oh… wait---- why exactly do you---“He cut himself off, it all made sense, Chuck probably made him do his laundry whenever Kibum didn’t pay him back!! Jonghyun could only imagine Chuck---
“Because I said I would do it for him.” Kibum answered folding the clothing again.
“You offered?” Jonghyun asked in an over dramatic manner.
“Yes.” Kibum answered, his answer very short keeping himself unapproachable.
Jonghyun got the gist that Kibum did not want to talk to him at the time so he didn’t pursue the conversation any further.
Kibum left the room after a few minutes, leaving the clothes unattended. It was odd. Unless of course, Kibum was thinking Jonghyun would keep an eye on them.
He ended up doing so anyways.
While Jonghyun was taking out the clothes out of the washer to put them into the dryer he heard a cell phone ring, and he knew it wasn’t his. Girl’s singing about ‘roly polying’ certainly weren’t his cup of tea.
After a while, Kibum came into the room, unaware of the unattended phone.
“Hey, your phone…it was ringing a lot.” Jonghyun told Kibum.
Kibum looked over to the stand where the phone was placed and walked over to it.
“I know.” He answered simply taking out the battery and throwing it onto the counter.
Jonghyun looked at the counter and then to Kibum,
“Are you okay?”
“No.” Kibum bluntly answered.
“Can I ask why?” Jonghyun asked.
“Can you?” Kibum replied mockingly.
“Seriously, Kibum.” Jonghyun persisted, annoyance outlining his tone.
“My parents’ death anniversary. The preparations just piss me off.” He answered nonchalantly.
Then it hit Jonghyun. He had completely forgotten. His mother’s death anniversary was also today.
“Hey! You’re parents’ death anniversary is today too?” Jonghyun asked.
Kibum quirked a brow at Jonghyun’s slip up.
“Too?” Kibum questioned.
“I mean,” Jonghyun straightened up, “A lot of parent’s died today, my friends-yeah, his mom died today too,” Jonghyun quickly amended. “How’d they die?”
“Car accident, three years ago.” Kibum answered putting the folded clothes into a basket, never looking up to meet Jonghyun’s gaze---which Jonghyun was now somewhat thankful for.
He was thankful because if he did, Kibum would’ve seen the realization and dread painted on his
face.
Everything became clear again; everything Jonghyun blocked from his head in the past three years was creeping back into his head. The memory of Jonghyun running into the hospital, running past a weeping boy---Kibum. Only now did the image reveal itself to Jonghyun, the image haunting him for three years now finally had a face.
“I’m so sorry,” It was the most sincere Jonghyun had ever been, “Seriously, I really am.”
“Dude, chill, it already happened. Besides, the driver already got his punishment, his wife died.” Kibum answered putting the last of the clothes in the basket.
“But you can’t say he deserved it, right?” Jonghyun asked.
“I don’t know what he deserved and what he didn’t. What happened is done and there is nothing that can be done to bring back my parent’s or his wife. I don’t even think it matters if he got what he deserved anymore...” Kibum answered.
Jonghyun smiled,
“That’s good to know…You know, that you think that way---not that your parents are dead or anything”
Kibum chuckled lightly,
“Whatever. See you around.”
With that, Kibum left leaving Jonghyun with something greater than just a regular talk; he left behind forgiveness.
Jonghyun needed it.
Jonghyun never had a great relationship with his father; in fact, his mother’s death anniversaries were the only days they really tried to speak. He never told his dad he met the son of the couple he killed because they never mentioned the car accident after the day his mother was pronounced dead. It was like an unsaid rule. Their conversations would consist of school, and when Jonghyun would start working at the company-joyous times they were indeed.
“Jonghyun, I talked to Secretary Lee the other day. He said it would be wise of you to join the company about this time of the year.” His father started as they finished up their dinner.
“I’m having exams right now, it wouldn’t be possible.” Jonghyun answered.
Of course it was a lie because that would be the only way that he would probably get away with not going to the company. He didn’t want to start unless it was completely and utterly necessary.
“I’m pretty sure you can manage both, Jonghyun. You are my son after all. I really think you should join now.” His father persisted.
“Father, with all due respect, I really think this will interfere with my education.”
Jonghyun continued. “Geez Jonghyun! When have you ever listened to me! All I ask for you to do is take over
the company! Goddamn it, I won’t live forever!” His father yelled in frustration as he was starting to get the feeling that Jonghyun had no intention of joining at all.
Jonghyun felt tears gather at the corner of his eyes and he swallowed thickly before taking in a breath,
“You’re right. “
“What?” His father breathed out.
“You’re right and I’m sorry.” Jonghyun smiled thinly, “Let’s start tomorrow.”
Jonghyun watched his fathers’ eyes brighten for the first time since his mothers’ death and his lips turned up to form a smile Jonghyun hadn’t seen in a while.
“Jonghyun!” His father gasped, “Thank you! I’m so happy right now!” His father laughed, “I should ask Shelly to get us some cake!”
Jonghyun shook his head, “That won’t be needed, father.”
“If you say so.” His father sighed, smile still in place, “So, how’ve you been? What’s been on your mind lately?”
Jonghyun stared at his almost empty plate deep in thought. Should he respond truthfully? Or should he give the usual sugar-coated lie that he fed his father every other time?
“Jonghyun?” His father called slowly.
“I miss mom.”
The words came out before Jonghyun could even register them and he felt dread and fear churning in his stomach. It was the truth, the truth that Jonghyun hadn’t spoken since her death. Jonghyun watched his father’s eyes widen with shock before his features softened down,
“I do too.” His father agreed, his voice cracking slightly at the end.
Jonghyun smiled softly, “I miss you too.”
“Me? But why?” His father asked, confusion etched into his face.
“Because,” Jonghyun began, “I feel like we’re separating. I never get to see you anymore and we hardly speak to each other.” He locked his gaze, hesitantly, with his fathers, “Do you even love-”
“Of course I do!” His father cut him off, “Oh Jonghyun, I didn’t know.” His eyes began to tear up, “I’m so sorry.”
His father stood up abruptly before stooping down and hugging Jonghyun tightly,
“I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
Jonghyun tightened his hold around his father, “Yeah.” He choked out, “Sounds great.”
Ever since the talk with his father, things had gotten much better between them.
Jonghyun noted how his father had immediately began to schedule dinners, games, and movies to go to on a weekly basis and it touched Jonghyun. It almost made up for the work he began to do at the office. Perhaps if he were even remotely interested in the field he wouldn’t have found it so dreadful, but since he had no interest in it whatsoever, he was having a hard time trying not to burn the place.
Jonghyun sighed heavily, shaking off the feeling of work and heading towards the campus’ music department. He would always come by the piano room when he had the chance-if he had to pick something he was passionate about, Jonghyun would have picked music. He loved being able to write into words what he felt and turning the worlds into a melody just crawling out his arms. It was indescribable.
He was seated at the piano bench for a while and was half way through completing a personal song he had been writing and trying out when the door creaked open.
“You play the piano?”
Jonghyun turned to see Kibum’s playful smile and grinned back,
“Yeah.” He looked back down at the ivory keys, “It’s something I like to do.”
“But you’re a business major.”
Jonghyun looked up to see Kibum quirking a brow and shrugged, “Because I have to?”
Kibum shook his head, “Look, the way I see it, you either do what you want or die trying.” He grinned, “You live once.”
Jonghyun nodded, “I know. But I’ve got responsibilities to fulfill.”
Kibum scoffed, “Responsibilities or expectations?” He smiled softly, “Do what you want, not what others expect you to do.”
“Sure.” Jonghyun smiled and Kibum frowned.
“It was nice.” Kibum stated walking back out and Jonghyun furrowed his brows,
“What?”
“What you were playing. It sounded really nice. If breaking glass had a voice, that’s the song it would sing.”
He turned fully to walk out when Jonghyun stood up.
“Kibum.”
Kibum turned his head, “Yeah?”
“Would you like to go out for coffee with me? Tomorrow?” Jonghyun found himself asking.
Kibum smiled, “Yeah. Okay.”
Jonghyun got to the dorm around the evening time and it was silent, save for the occasional student walking around. He opened his dorm room door to see that Chuck wasn't in.
He dropped his bag beside his bed and placed his music sheets on his study desk before he made his way into the bathroom.
He needed to shower.
Once Jonghyun had stepped into the tub, he slowly lathered himself in the warm water when he heard the door open.
“Jonghyun?”
Jonghyun froze. What was his father doing here? He shook his head, it was probably about business.
“I’m taking a quick shower, I’ll be out in a bit.” Jonghyun called out.
“Alright.” His father responded back.
Jonghyun quickly applied shampoo and rinsed before stepping out. He dried himself off with speed he didn't know he possessed before slipping into comfy sweats and a white t-shirt.
He opened the door and felt his heart drop at the sight of his father hunched of his desk with sheets of paper-h is music sheets.
“Father?” He called out uncertainly.
His father turned around with an unreadable look on his face.
“I didn’t know you still played the piano.”
Jonghyun grimaced, “I do on my spare time.”
His father nodded slowly and sat down on his bed.
“Sit here.” His father commanded, nodded at the bed.
Jonghyun quickly strode over and sat down. He didn’t know what to say. It’s not like he did anything wrong. So why was he so nervous?
“So did you write these?”
Jonghyun nodded, “I’m done with the lyrics but haven’t finished composing the music yet.” He chuckled, “I can’t get the melody straight.”
Jonghyun watched in surprise when his father smiled widely, “This is brilliant! I didn’t know you were talented in this.”
Jonghyun snatched the papers from his father’s hands,
“It doesn’t matter father. What did you come here for?”
His father frowned, “Of course it matters! Tell me, do you like this,” he nodded towards the sheets in Jonghyun’s hands, “Or working for me?”
Jonghyun blinked, “Both?”
His father shook his head, “No. Which one makes you happy?”
Jonghyun hesitated, “Well, music I guess, but-”
“Then what are you doing majoring in business?” His father exclaimed.
“I did to make you happy.” Jonghyun began, “Ever since mom died I-”
“Jonghyun!” His father cut him off and grabbed him by his shoulders, “Jonghyun, I’m happy as long as you are.”
Jonghyun felt his eyes tear, throat tighten and he cracked a smile,
“I love you, dad.”
“Me too.” His father smiled and embraced him, “Let’s get your major changed tomorrow,
okay?”
Jonghyun tightened his hold, “Okay.”
“You’re early.”
Jonghyun looked up from his seated position to see Kibum playfully glaring at him.
“So are you.” Jonghyun quipped smiling.
Kibum slid into the seat across from him and shook his head, “I don’t get it,” He began, “Why’d you ask me to go for coffee?”
Jonghyun pretended to look affronted, “Do you normally question people as to why they asked you out on a date?”
He watched in pleasure as Kibum’s face flushed a ripe red,
“Date?” He asked incredulously.
“Yes. A date.” Jonghyun stated before holding up a menu, “You ordering first?”
Kibum stared at the menu in his hand for a moment before taking it,
“Fine. But you’re paying!” Kibum smiled, eyes forming into little crescents and Jonghyun swore he saw universes hiding in there.
Jonghyun softly smiled back,
“I’d be my pleasure.”