SBB 2010 Entry #10 - Double Life (2/2)
Title: Double Life
Pairing/Focus: Jonghyun/Onew
Rating: PG
Word count: 17,813
“Do I have a cell phone?” Jinki asks when they return home. “I remember owning one, but I don’t know if I really have one or not. And I don’t know where it is.”
“I’ll be right back.” Jonghyun gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and disappears into the spare room for a minute, then returns with a slim black phone in his hands. “Here you go. You left it on the computer desk again.”
Jinki is surprised that he actually recognizes the phone Jonghyun hands over. It’s exactly the way he remembers it, including the scratch on the face of it, and he eagerly flips it open to look through his contact list. Taemin’s number isn’t there and he’s a bit alarmed to see Key’s number included in the list, but relief hits him when he sees a number labeled “Mom.” Of course, the number is completely unfamiliar, but the fact that he finally has access to his parents lifts a weight off his mind, and he sinks down on the living room couch so he can call his mother. His hands are shaking with nerves and it doesn’t bother him at all when Jonghyun sits down beside him and places a hand on his leg to steady him.
The dial tone rings a few times, and then he hears his mother’s voice. “Hello? Jinki?”
“H-hi,” Jinki stutters. “Just thought I would call and um, say hello.”
“Well it’s good to hear from you. How are you? How’s Jonghyun?”
“Jonghyun?” Jinki’s voice goes flat and he suddenly feels like he’s been kicked. “Oh yeah, Jonghyun. Jonghyun is fine. Everything is perfectly fine. I’ve got to go now, so I’ll talk to you again sometime soon.” His mother immediately starts fussing over him and wants to know why he has to get off so soon, and Jinki makes a few feeble excuses before hanging up. He sits there on the couch with his phone clutched in his hands, unable to speak or even think for that matter. His last hope has suddenly died out, and there’s nothing left to do but accept everything and quit hoping.
“Jinki.” Jonghyun removes his hand from Jinki’s leg and puts his arm around his waist, and Jinki doesn’t resist him. “I know this is hard, okay? I don’t know how to make you feel better, but I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
“I’m okay,” says Jinki. He stuffs his phone into his pants pocket and smiles, because smiling is the best defense mechanism he’s got.
-
The two of them have chicken for dinner that night and end up in front of the television again, seated side-by-side on the couch while Jonghyun flicks through channels and Jinki tries to stay awake. So far Jinki has survived two whole days of being crazy, if insanity is the problem, and by the end of the evening he’s exhausted and ready to collapse right there on the couch. He stops his head from lolling on Jonghyun’s shoulder just in time, though Jonghyun notices and immediately shuts the television off.
“You could have said something.” He pokes Jinki in the shoulder. “Get to bed. I don’t want to have to carry you.”
Jinki mumbles something that’s incoherent, even to himself, and drags himself to the bathroom so he can brush his teeth. His senses become more alert when he crawls into bed and Jonghyun slides in next to him, but he chooses to ignore Jonghyun and scoots to the edge of the bed again. He spends a few minutes worrying over life in general because he can’t help but worry, even when he’s half-asleep, but soon tiredness takes over and extinguishes his thoughts.
The voices are back in his dreams, telling him to get better soon and to wake up. He can hear his mother and father speaking to him, and then Taemin’s voice is in his ear again, sounding just as worried and uncertain as he did in the supermarket earlier. Jinki can’t talk back, he can’t move, he can’t do anything, and then the dream fades and he wakes up with a pounding heart.
It’s still dark when Jinki opens his eyes and the alarm clock tells him it’s a little past midnight. That’s the first thing he’s aware of after waking up, and the second thing he’s aware of is that Jonghyun is clinging to him again, hugging him tightly from behind. Jinki holds his breath, afraid to move or let Jonghyun know he’s awake, and his heart pounds even harder when Jonghyun tightens his grip a little so that escape is nearly impossible.
“It’s going to be okay,” Jonghyun whispers against the back of Jinki’s neck. “Whatever happens, it will be okay. I love you.”
Jinki still refuses to move, and it’s the longest, most awkward night he’s ever spent.
-
When Jinki wakes up in the morning he feels like he barely slept, and to make matters worse Jonghyun is still using him as a human teddy bear. Jinki tries to decide the best way to push Jonghyun off of him without waking him up or seeming rude about it, when the alarm clock suddenly goes off and startles him beyond belief. Jonghyun groans and rolls away from Jinki, releasing his grip on him so he can rub his eyes, and Jinki stops gaping so he can shut off the alarm. He has to get up in order to do so, and when he gets back into bed Jonghyun is sitting up and yawning.
“Why did the alarm go off?” Jinki asks. “It didn’t go off yesterday.”
“That’s because it was the weekend,” Jonghyun replies, blinking at him tiredly. “It’s Monday now. We have to work.”
“Work?” Jinki hopes that he’s actually dreaming, or that Jonghyun is simply spouting nonsense because he’s tired. “Wait, you mean both of us? I have to go to work this morning?”
“Yeah, you have to head in to the magazine office, remember? They’ll probably give you a new story or something and have you look over photographs, and that’s about it. You’re lucky you’re working freelance.”
Jinki isn’t entirely awake yet and he has a feeling Jonghyun isn’t either. “I can’t go in today, Jonghyun. I’ve forgotten everything. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or who I work for or how to do my job right. I don’t know anything about journalism.”
“All right, fine. Call in sick and come to the music store with me.”
The conversation has only lasted a few minutes and Jinki is already exhausted by it. He watches Jonghyun get out of bed and rummage in the closet for some clothes, slightly disturbed by the fact that Jonghyun might be rummaging through his clothes, and possibly wearing them. “Wait, I don’t understand. Why can’t I just stay home and sleep?”
Jonghyun shoots Jinki a look that is supposed to be stern, but it’s ruined by the fact that he’s still half-asleep. “I’m not leaving you here by yourself. We can’t both call in sick, so I’ll go to work and you can come with me.”
Jinki had forgotten all about Jonghyun whispering to him last night and telling him he loved him, but now the memory returns and he finds it hard to breathe. He looks away from Jonghyun and tries to argue that he’ll be perfectly fine at home by himself, but Jonghyun won’t take no for an answer and drags him out of bed. Thirty minutes later Jinki is showered, dressed, and finished with breakfast, and he feels somewhat bewildered as Jonghyun ushers him out the front door. They take a subway train to the music store Jonghyun works in and everyone in the shop seems to know Jinki, while Jinki nods and smiles and pretends that he knows them back. He’s becoming a skilled actor when it comes to pretending everything is fine, even when he’s feeling his worst, and he gets his reward when Jonghyun smiles at him and looks carefree again.
He really hates making Jonghyun worry.
As the morning progresses and heads towards lunchtime, Jinki learns that Jonghyun is passionate about music. Jonghyun clearly enjoys his job and sings to himself under his breath as he works, while Jinki stands off to the side and takes it all in like a sponge, trying his best to learn more and know Jonghyun the way he’s supposed to know him. Apparently he’s known him for five years, but Jinki only remembers knowing him for less than three days and can’t decide how he feels about Jonghyun exactly. On the first day he wanted Jonghyun out of his life as soon as possible and thought he was somewhat annoying, but now he’s learned that Jonghyun is more than just a boy who talks too much and happens to live with him.
There’s also the fact that Jonghyun might possibly love him, but Jinki isn’t ready to contemplate that yet.
“You have a nice voice,” he tells Jonghyun shyly after Jonghyun breaks into song for about the tenth time, singing along to the radio that’s turned on low at the back of the store.
“Oh. Really?” Jonghyun is shy as well, and Jinki finds that he likes this rare side of him. “Thanks. I know you don’t remember, but we go out to noraebang a lot. Maybe we can go tonight if you feel up to it.”
“That’s fine,” says Jinki, even though he can’t remember going to noraebang at all in his spare time, at least not in the last few years. He’s beginning to think that perhaps the life he remembers isn’t so perfect after all, since he still lived at home with his parents, his closest acquaintance was a sixteen-year-old kid, and he doubted he would ever get into law school. The reality he’s living now isn’t perfect either, but Jonghyun makes him feel like he might serve some sort of purpose in the world, though he hasn’t discovered what that purpose is.
He’s definitely getting used to Jonghyun.
-
Somehow the day passes by so fast that Jinki can’t keep track of it, and when evening arrives he goes with Jonghyun to pick up Key so they can all go to noraebang. “Why doesn’t Key live with you?” Jinki blurts out as they walk up to the house together.
Jonghyun is taken aback. “What?”
“You two seem really close. I was just wondering why you didn’t pick him to be your roommate.”
“Key is my best friend.”
“Yeah, exactly.” Jinki suddenly regrets asking his question in the first place. “So, um… what does that make me then?”
Jonghyun just smiles at him and doesn’t reply, and Jinki can detect a familiar sadness in his face despite the smile. Jonghyun’s bouts of sadness and worry are starting to hurt Jinki more than the despair at not remembering this world, and Jinki can’t make any sense out of it. He brushes it off and even laughs when Key pretends to be stern and tells him, “You’d better not spill soda in my lap this time, or else I’ll have to hurt you.”
The sky is dark when they reach their destination and Jinki sits off to the side with Key while Jonghyun picks out a song. When Key urges him to hurry up he finally makes his selection, and when he starts to sing Jinki forgets some of his worries. Back in the music store Jonghyun had sung quietly, mostly under his breath, but now he uses the full force of his voice and Jinki can’t help but be impressed. He sits there struggling to remember while Jonghyun’s voice stirs up something within him, something that isn’t memory but feels just as fulfilling, and by the end of the song Jinki is left feeling slightly shaken. He still can’t remember anything, but he doesn’t particularly mind at the moment because Jonghyun’s singing has moved him beyond that.
“Jinki’s turn!” Jonghyun calls out, tossing the microphone at him.
Jinki just barely manages to catch the microphone in time and suddenly feels like hiding, but Jonghyun looks so eager and Key looks impatient, so he nervously picks out a song he knows the words to. “Sorry if this is no good,” he apologizes beforehand with an anxious laugh. “I can’t remember doing any singing in a long time.” Once he starts to sing he finds that it’s easier than he thought it would be, though he doesn’t have the nerve to sing very loudly, and when he’s finished he finds that his score is much lower than Jonghyun’s.
In spite of it all, he’s actually having fun.
Key has his turn, scoring around the same as Jinki, and Jonghyun leaves to use the bathroom. Jinki isn’t uncomfortable being alone with Key, at least not too uncomfortable, but he never knows what he’s supposed to say to him and sits awkwardly beside him on the small couch while Jonghyun is in the bathroom. Fortunately he’s rescued from coming up with something to say, because Key’s the first one to speak up after a long pause.
“This is all really hard, isn’t it?”
Jinki blinks at him.
“Everything, I mean. I wasn’t expecting you to show up tonight.”
“Jonghyun really wanted me to come, so I did.”
“That’s good,” says Key. “He’s really worried about you, you know. He loves you.”
There’s that word love again, for the second time in twenty-four hours, and Jinki doesn’t know how to react. “What do you mean?”
Key doesn’t reply, though his lips curve upward into a tiny, secretive smile, and a moment later Jonghyun returns from the bathroom. Jinki is quiet for the rest of the evening.
-
They decide to eat out with Key after noraebang, and when Jinki and Jonghyun return home alone Jinki is lost in thoughts he’s been trying to push away for hours now. He’s aware that he and Jonghyun share the same bedroom and sleep in the same bed, though he first assumed it was because they were trying to be economical, and he’s aware that Jonghyun has hugged him in his sleep every night without fail. He knows that the two of them aren’t best friends the way Jonghyun is with Key, and yet Jinki is the one who lives with Jonghyun, and he knows that Jonghyun is deeply concerned about him and hasn’t yet defined what their relationship is exactly.
Jinki isn’t sure if he wants to know what his relationship with Jonghyun is, and yet he can’t stop wondering about it. As they’re getting ready for bed he’s tempted to ask Jonghyun, but the words won’t come out of his mouth and he can’t think of a polite way to ask. Jonghyun looks at him oddly, wondering why Jinki is staring at him, but Jinki just smiles and gets into bed.
He doesn’t sleep on the edge of the bed like he usually does, and he doesn’t mind terribly when Jonghyun scoots in close.
-
An entire week passes by, in which Jinki starts to forget that he ever lived another life and learns as much as he can about the new one. The only thing he can do is go forward, after all, since he has no idea how to go backward, and he’s eager to fit in so that Jonghyun doesn’t worry anymore. The two of them spend hours talking, going over all the things that Jinki doesn’t remember, until the old reality and the new are intertwined and Jinki has trouble telling them apart. Even when despair takes hold of him he forces himself to keep on smiling, because nothing relieves him more than knowing that Jonghyun is happy.
One morning Jinki wakes up with Jonghyun curled up against his back and decides that perhaps he should go to work. Jonghyun has been telling him all about his journalism job throughout the week, providing copies of various articles he’s written and a couple of drafts in progress, and Jinki has the sudden desire to make something useful of himself. He’s been solely dependent on Jonghyun for days, accompanying him to the music shop and letting him pay for all the groceries, but he’s been dependent long enough. He may not understand his role in this world, but he definitely doesn’t want to be a burden.
The alarm clock goes off and Jonghyun groans, annoyed at being woken up, while Jinki blinks and staggers out of bed to shut the alarm off. “I think I’ll go to work,” he says.
“Of course,” Jonghyun replies sleepily, rubbing at his eyes. “I’ve been bringing you every day.”
“No, not the music store. My work.”
“You sure?” Jonghyun still isn’t quite awake and forces himself to sit up so he can look at Jinki.
“Well, no. I’m not very sure, but I’ll give it a try,” says Jinki. He isn’t entirely awake himself and wonders if sleepiness has made him crazy. “That’s okay, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, sure. You better get ready then.”
Jinki is nervous as he showers, gets dressed, and eats breakfast, but by the time he’s ready to leave he’s a little excited and eager to try something new without Jonghyun at his side. Not that he doesn’t mind Jonghyun’s constant company, because Jonghyun has been a reassuring presence throughout the last couple of weeks, but sometimes Jinki wants some time on his own. He still hasn’t asked Jonghyun what their relationship is and he’s starting to feel more confused about it by the day, another good reason for him to be alone.
Jonghyun agrees to take him to the magazine office, since Jinki has no idea how to find it. “Doesn’t matter if I’m late for work,” Jonghyun assures him. “I’ll make up for it. Here, you’d better take these drafts with you.” He hands Jinki the article drafts he was supposedly working on before he forgot everything, then locks the house up.
For a moment Jinki wonders if he’s truly ready for this, but then he remembers everything else he’s endured recently. Compared to that first day when he woke up and discovered a stranger named Jonghyun in his home, going to a job he’s unfamiliar with doesn’t sound so bad. He managed to convince Jonghyun’s workers that everything is fine and normal, so perhaps he can pull off the same performance in front of his own workmates.
“Any of this look familiar?” Jonghyun whispers to him as they approach the magazine office.
Jinki looks ahead at a building he’s never seen before and shakes his head. “No.” Jonghyun is always asking him if he recognizes buildings or streets or people, just to see if his memory is returning, but Jinki is always forced to admit that nothing has changed. They enter the office together and Jonghyun explains to Jinki’s editor that Jinki hit his head recently and lost some memories, while Jinki stands awkwardly and tries to look normal, at least on the outside. He’s feeling nervous again, especially when the total stranger who’s supposed to be his editor is peering at him worriedly, as if half-expecting him to suddenly die right there on his carpet. Jinki forces himself to smile.
Just keep smiling, no matter what. It’s the only thing he can do.
“I’ve got to go now,” says Jonghyun, checking the time on his cell phone. “You’ll be okay, Jinki?”
“Yeah,” says Jinki. “Of course.”
“Just checking.”
They leave the editor’s office so Jinki can say goodbye to Jonghyun and run into one of Jinki’s co-workers, a photographer who apparently knows the two of them well. Minho is taller than both of them with dark hair and a camera around his neck, and he’s familiar with Jonghyun in a way that reminds Jinki of Jonghyun’s friendship with Key. Jonghyun gives his Jinki-hit-his-head story all over again and Minho observes Jinki quietly, looking much less disturbed than the editor but still concerned.
Jinki is getting tired of people looking at him with pity in their eyes, and it makes him want to pretend even harder that everything is all right.
“Hey, make sure you look after Jinki, okay?” Jonghyun tells Minho, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder.
Minho punches him back, grinning. “Don’t worry about it.”
Jinki is increasingly annoyed with this playful familiarity, and the fact that he’s annoyed makes him even more irritated. Eager to get Jonghyun away from Minho, he cuts their conversation short and insists that Jonghyun needs to get to work, which causes Jonghyun to sigh and leave the office with reluctance. If Minho suspects any ulterior motives on Jinki’s part, he doesn’t say anything, though there’s a flicker of amusement in his face. Jinki ignores him and returns to his editor.
-
By the time a couple of hours have passed, Jinki feels completely hopeless and tries to take on new assignments, so he works with the drafts he brought with him and watches them get marked up in red ink by his editor. He then gets handed over to a couple of staff members and everything passes by in a blur, until it’s time for lunch and he’s left feeling like somebody stuck his head in a blender. He had no idea that going to work would make him feel so bewildered.
Will he ever feel comfortable in his surroundings, or is this his doom? The only place he fits into is home, with Jonghyun, but that thought causes Jinki’s heart to thump in a way that worries him. He tears his eyes from the red marks on his articles and goes to lunch.
After he eats he discovers that nobody has need of him for the rest of the day, so he tries to figure out a way to get home. He isn’t familiar with this part of town, but after walking a few blocks he finds a street he recognizes, which leads him to more familiar places until he’s finally on a block that he knows. The rest of the trip is easy and he takes a bus home, then enters the empty house with a strange sense of victory.
He made it on his own. Perhaps he can survive this world after all.
-
Jonghyun wants to hear all about Jinki’s day at work and doesn’t stop pestering him until Jinki spills every detail. Jinki remembers how he used to be exhausted by Jonghyun’s never-ending chatter, but now he finds it easy to keep up with him and wonders why he forgot such an unforgettable boy as Jonghyun in the first place. Jonghyun is simply so noisy, friendly, and impossible to ignore that something terrible must have happened to erase him from Jinki’s memory completely.
But what happened exactly? It’s a question that still worries Jinki, even though he’s adjusting to this life and learning to enjoy himself, and whenever he’s alone he tries to figure out the mysteries of his past. It’s possible that he simply hit his head and it didn’t leave a mark, but there’s also a chance that something psychological is at the bottom of it, and that only leads to more problems and questions without answers. Jinki could lose himself for hours trying to unravel this tangled mystery if he didn’t have Jonghyun to pull him back to reality and away from his troubles.
Deep down he knows that Jonghyun is good for him, even if he did manage to forget him.
“I’m sorry,” Jinki blurts out over dinner. He and Jonghyun are sitting at the small kitchen table with takeout food in front of them and Jinki hates the worried look Jonghyun shoots him.
“For what?” Jonghyun asks.
“For… for everything, I guess. For losing my memories and forgetting you.”
“It isn’t your fault.”
“I know, I just… I’m sorry anyway. I don’t know how this happened or why I’ve forgotten everything, but I never meant to hurt you and I didn’t mean to forget you either. I would change everything and bring it back to normal if I could.”
“Jinki…” Jonghyun starts to say, and then he trails off with a sigh. The two of them sit there in awkward silence for a few minutes, chewing their takeout food as quietly as possible, until Jonghyun finally sets his chopsticks down and looks Jinki in the eye. “I’m just glad you’re still here.” He opens his mouth to say more but then closes it again, and they both know that it’s enough.
Jinki would have felt differently a couple of weeks ago, but now he’s glad too.
When he goes to bed that night he dreams of voices yet again, the same voices he hears nearly every evening. He always feels so helpless in these dreams, so helpless and unable to respond the way he wants to, and when he wakes up from the dream there are tears rolling down his cheeks. Jinki blinks in the darkness, trying to forget the pain and worry he heard in his parents’ voices, then wipes the tears away with his blanket.
Everything is so dark and quiet, aside from Jonghyun’s soft breathing just a few inches from Jinki’s ear. Jonghyun is always there in Jinki’s darkest moments, the only certain thing in his upside-down life, and Jinki realizes that Jonghyun has become the most important person to him.
He scoots closer to Jonghyun for the very first time and takes him by the hand, refusing to let go for the rest of the night.
-
Life goes on. Jinki gets through another week, in which he becomes less incompetent at his job and finds new ways to fight the darkness that sits at the edge of his mind, waiting to come forth and consume him. His problems and sorrows don’t decrease, and perhaps they never will, but his joys increase by the day and he feels like a new person. He may not have the correct memories of his past, but he has a new set of memories from the last few weeks to build upon. Sometimes he gets dizzy and feels sick, as if some unseen force is tugging at him, but he always brushes it off and doesn’t mention it to Jonghyun, since these attacks never last long. Surely it’s nothing to worry over.
“Hey, let me see your work,” Jonghyun says one evening. Jinki is nearly done with his first article at last, or at least his first article since all the trouble started. The writing process turned out to have a calming effect on him and distracted him from his problems in a way that nothing besides Jonghyun ever could.
Jinki hesitates. “It isn’t complete yet.”
“So? I want to see it. You’ve always showed me in the past, Jinki.”
Jinki sighs and shuffles off to find his latest draft. Jonghyun knows the perfect method of guilt-tripping him by insisting that things were a certain way in the past, and Jinki usually can’t refuse him. Everything feels so fragile still, even after weeks of living this way, and Jinki longs for a lightning bolt to come out of nowhere and miraculously jog his memory.
The article isn’t very long and the subject matter isn’t terribly exciting, but Jonghyun grins when Jinki places the papers in his hands. “If I ever become a singer I’ll have you write my songs for me,” he says. “You’re good with words, you know, at least on paper. Somehow all your fail goes away when you’ve got a paper and pen.”
Jinki grins back, taking no offense at the joke. “Thanks. Minho took some photographs to go with the article. He’s not so bad as long as you don’t try competing with him.” Sometimes he still feels out of place at work, but he’s getting to know everyone better and most of his workmates keep an eye on him, guiding him in the right direction when his memory fails him. It’s like being the new kid in a brand new school, except the settings aren’t new as far as everyone else is concerned.
He takes his article back from Jonghyun and suddenly his head starts spinning for about the tenth time that week, making him feel dizzy and out of breath. Something is echoing in the distance and it takes him a moment to recognize the sound of voices, like in his dreams only more faraway. It takes all of his strength and willpower to keep a straight face in front of Jonghyun, though he longs to stumble off to bed and sleep off this strange feeling.
“Hey.” Jonghyun looks more curious than worried. “You all right?”
Jinki straightens his back and takes deep breaths, steadying himself. “Yeah, of course. I’m just a little tired.”
“You’re always tired,” Jonghyun teases. “You’d better get to bed then.”
The dizziness is subsiding now and Jinki gazes at Jonghyun for a long moment, taking in every detail of his face. Something has changed in the way he sees Jonghyun, something that makes him feel dizzy and breathless all over again, and he suddenly feels very, very glad that he woke up that fateful morning and found Jonghyun in his home. It’s on the tip of his tongue to say so, but he swallows his words and turns away from Jonghyun so he can go brush his teeth. Jonghyun naturally follows him and they perform their bedtime rituals in silence, aside from the sounds of sink water running and toothbrushes moving back and forth. It’s rare to find Jonghyun completely silent and Jinki savors every second, knowing that the solitude won’t last forever.
They say a simple goodnight to each other as they crawl into bed, and Jinki lets his breath out slowly as he lies on his side and draws the blankets up to his chin. It isn’t quite a sigh, but more like a weight lifting off him as he exhales. Every day is difficult and so is every evening, but it gets easier day by day and night by night.
“I love you,” Jonghyun whispers half an hour later while Jinki is still awake.
“I know,” Jinki whispers back.
-
His dreams are more vivid than ever before. The voices are loud and clear, sounding worried and hopeful, and Jinki struggles to talk back. He wants to tell everyone that he’s perfectly safe, that he’s quite happy now, but his mouth refuses to form the words, just as it always does. It simply isn’t fair and Jinki flails his fists in irritation, pounding on the mattress.
For the first time since he started having these dreams, he can move. The dream doesn’t allow him to speak, but he can move his hands and unclenches them slowly, then curls them back up into fists.
“Jinki.”
He hears his name now, from various voices. His name is echoing in his head until it’s the only thing he’s aware of, and then suddenly it feels like he’s coming out of a thick fog.
Jinki opens his eyes.
-
The first thing he sees is Taemin’s eager face, and then his parents are at his bedside, talking loudly and too quick for Jinki’s mind to process their words. He’s in a room he doesn’t recognize and there are tubes hooked up to his body, like a science experiment gone horribly awry, and Jinki starts to tremble. He still can’t talk despite his efforts to get his mouth working.
“Jinki.” His mother takes him by the hand and squeezes it. “You’re back.”
Back to where? What for? Everything is a blur and he can’t remember a thing, though something tells him he ought to be elsewhere right now. There’s something tugging at his mind, some nameless person who should be here, but Jinki can’t think of who this person could be. His memory is a mess.
He blinks, eyes darting restlessly from person to person, and he knows this is right and yet somehow it’s wrong. Something is missing, even though both his parents are standing before him with Taemin hovering nearby, and Jinki feels thoroughly unhappy. He just wants to go home.
He slips back into sleep, hoping to find answers there, but all he finds is darkness.
-
“You were in a car accident a few weeks ago,” the doctor explains when Jinki opens his eyes again. “You’ve been in a coma the whole time.”
Car accident. Coma. Jinki can’t make any sense out of this. He doesn’t remember anything from the last few weeks and his head aches from the effort of thinking too hard. The doctor is still talking to him in his calm, reassuring voice, but Jinki only catches fragments of what he’s saying.
“-you were on your way to school in the morning…”
School? But Jinki isn’t in school anymore. Or is he?
“-your professors have gathered all the work you’ve missed.”
Work. There’s something about work that Jinki should remember, but it escapes him.
“-and you’re going to need therapy for a while. Your body has forgotten how to perform basic functions.”
Like speaking. When will Jinki be able to speak again? There are so many questions he wants to ask, so many things he wants to tell his family, but it all remains locked up in his head. It’s bad enough that his memory is completely jumbled and now he has a whole crowd of pent-up thoughts, threatening to make his head explode. Jinki blinks and nods as the doctor speaks to him, pretending to hear every word, while a nurse checks on the tubes hooked up to his body.
He’s never felt so helpless and alone before.
His parents and Taemin left while he was asleep and Jinki feels a mixture of sadness and relief. He would have liked to see his parents a little longer, but at the same time he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about trying to talk back to them. According to the doctor he has to re-learn how to walk and eat as well, all because of an accident that Jinki can’t even remember. Does he even know how to drive? They told him he was driving to college on the day of the accident, but somehow the thought of driving feels wrong, like it’s something beyond his reach.
There’s someone missing, he knows that for sure. Someone important should be in this hospital room with him, but he isn’t here and Jinki can feel the pang of his absence. He’s pretty sure the person is a he and not a she, though he can’t imagine how he could possibly know this.
All he knows is that this is going to be a long, long recovery process. The doctor gives him some medication and Jinki slips off to oblivion once again.
-
It doesn’t take long for Jinki to lose track of the days. One day he’s hooked up in the hospital room and the next day he’s in his bedroom at home, just like that. Or perhaps it isn’t just like that, but it’s impossible to keep track of time and he’s often on medication, so everything blurs together and eventually it feels like he’s been at home all along. A therapist came every day while he was still in the hospital and taught him how to eat again, though Jinki’s hands are shaky and sometimes he spills his food. He can’t walk on his own yet, but he can stand for a few minutes at a time and Taemin helps him take a few awkward, wobbly steps when he comes home from school.
It’s strange to have Taemin come over in the afternoons and help him. Taemin is always bright and happy to see him, willing to give Jinki whatever he needs, yet Jinki feels uncomfortable in his presence. He keeps expecting Taemin to take leave of his senses and run away from him, even though the two of them have been next-door neighbors their whole lives. Jinki starts to wonder if he’s going crazy.
Even more troubling than these problems is the dream Jinki has almost every night. It’s a different dream every time, but it all seems like one dream because the same boy appears night after night. The boy is friendly and talkative, with a unique personality unlike anyone Jinki has ever known before, but the dream always fades before Jinki can catch the boy’s name. Every night he gets teased with images and feelings that seem more and more familiar, until one morning he wakes up with the name on his lips.
“Jonghyun,” he mouths slowly, forming the syllables with difficulty. He’s learning to say a few words thanks to a therapist who comes twice a week and using his hands becomes easier every day. He’s even re-learned how to write on a pad of paper whenever he has something important to say.
But who is Jonghyun? Why does he keep appearing in Jinki’s dreams and why does it feel like Jinki knows him quite well? The more he thinks about it the more he starts to believe that the car accident altered his sanity.
In the afternoon Taemin arrives to entertain him and help him walk, and Jinki grabs his pad of paper so he can ask Taemin a question. Do I have a friend named Jonghyun?
Taemin frowns down at the paper, trying to decipher the messy handwriting. “Jonghyun?” he repeats.
Jinki nods his head.
“I’ve never heard of anyone named Jonghyun. Are you playing a game or something?”
Jinki is more certain than ever that something strange happened to him while he was lying in the hospital for weeks. I think I met him when I was in the coma, he writes, which earns him a bewildered look from Taemin. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true. I’m still trying to remember everything.
“Let’s watch a movie,” says Taemin, gazing at Jinki with worried eyes. He doesn’t say it out loud, but he obviously thinks that Jinki has spent too much time sitting and thinking and therefore needs a distraction. Jinki doesn’t argue with him and lets Taemin pick the movie, then shuffles to the living room couch on awkward steps. His walking has greatly improved since he first arrived home and Taemin is there to catch him each time he stumbles, until he’s finally seated on the couch among comfortable pillows. He can’t remember the last time he did something entertaining, since most of his time is spent trying to recover, and he smiles when Taemin plops down on the couch beside him and turns the movie on.
There’s something familiar about this situation and Jinki has a hard time focusing on the film. He remembers sitting with someone else on a couch like this, in this same exact living room, watching the television when there was nothing else to do. Jinki is teased with the faint ghosts of memories, too vague and distant for him to fully grasp, and he’s reminded of his dreams. Either he’s forgotten something important in his life or he’s simply going mad as a result of the car crash.
Perhaps it’s a little of both.
“Thanks,” Jinki says slowly when the movie ends, even though he barely paid attention to the film.
“Feel better now?” Taemin asks, unable to hide his concern.
Jinki nods his head, mainly because he doesn’t want to worry Taemin. This strong desire to keep his problems to himself feels familiar as well, though he can’t remember why. No matter how hard he thinks about it the answer is just out of his reach, and he gives it up for the time being. He has more important things to worry about after all.
-
It takes weeks of rest and therapy until Jinki can walk and talk again. He slowly returns to a normal way of life, though his mind is still troubled by something he’s forgotten, and he finishes up his college semester by working mainly at home. His grade point average is lower than it would have been if he hadn’t fallen into the coma, but he promises his parents to do well next time.
By the time his next semester starts up, Jinki is recovered enough to attend school and gives up on his goal of becoming a lawyer. Instead he signs up for classes in journalism and music, for reasons he can’t quite figure out, and he assures everyone that he’s making the right decision. Deep down he knows he isn’t cut out to be a lawyer anyway.
On the morning of his first class he takes a bus to the college, since he gave up on driving and sold his car, and nervously enters his music classroom. He hasn’t taken a music course since his first year of high school and he quickly finds a seat at the back, where he hopefully won’t get picked on by the professor. The classroom fills up quickly with students, some of them chattering loudly, some of them looking sleepy like Jinki, until there are only a couple of empty seats left.
“Hey. Is it okay if I sit here?”
Jinki, who was zoning out for the last five minutes, is startled to hear a voice right beside him. “Oh, sure,” he says, realizing he has an empty seat next to him. “Go ahead.”
“Thanks.” The boy who spoke to Jinki sits down and Jinki nearly gasps when he gets a good look at him. The boy is dressed stylishly with brown hair in an equally stylish haircut, and it’s a shock to see him because Jinki knows this boy, and yet he doesn’t. It’s the same boy who appeared in his dreams on a regular basis, the same boy who made Jinki question his sanity, and now he’s right here in person.
Jinki isn’t surprised when the boy grins at him, bright and friendly as if they’ve known each other for years, and says, “I’m Jonghyun, by the way.”
Jinki can’t explain how he knows this, but he has a feeling he and Jonghyun are going to become good friends.
Pairing/Focus: Jonghyun/Onew
Rating: PG
Word count: 17,813
“Do I have a cell phone?” Jinki asks when they return home. “I remember owning one, but I don’t know if I really have one or not. And I don’t know where it is.”
“I’ll be right back.” Jonghyun gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and disappears into the spare room for a minute, then returns with a slim black phone in his hands. “Here you go. You left it on the computer desk again.”
Jinki is surprised that he actually recognizes the phone Jonghyun hands over. It’s exactly the way he remembers it, including the scratch on the face of it, and he eagerly flips it open to look through his contact list. Taemin’s number isn’t there and he’s a bit alarmed to see Key’s number included in the list, but relief hits him when he sees a number labeled “Mom.” Of course, the number is completely unfamiliar, but the fact that he finally has access to his parents lifts a weight off his mind, and he sinks down on the living room couch so he can call his mother. His hands are shaking with nerves and it doesn’t bother him at all when Jonghyun sits down beside him and places a hand on his leg to steady him.
The dial tone rings a few times, and then he hears his mother’s voice. “Hello? Jinki?”
“H-hi,” Jinki stutters. “Just thought I would call and um, say hello.”
“Well it’s good to hear from you. How are you? How’s Jonghyun?”
“Jonghyun?” Jinki’s voice goes flat and he suddenly feels like he’s been kicked. “Oh yeah, Jonghyun. Jonghyun is fine. Everything is perfectly fine. I’ve got to go now, so I’ll talk to you again sometime soon.” His mother immediately starts fussing over him and wants to know why he has to get off so soon, and Jinki makes a few feeble excuses before hanging up. He sits there on the couch with his phone clutched in his hands, unable to speak or even think for that matter. His last hope has suddenly died out, and there’s nothing left to do but accept everything and quit hoping.
“Jinki.” Jonghyun removes his hand from Jinki’s leg and puts his arm around his waist, and Jinki doesn’t resist him. “I know this is hard, okay? I don’t know how to make you feel better, but I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
“I’m okay,” says Jinki. He stuffs his phone into his pants pocket and smiles, because smiling is the best defense mechanism he’s got.
-
The two of them have chicken for dinner that night and end up in front of the television again, seated side-by-side on the couch while Jonghyun flicks through channels and Jinki tries to stay awake. So far Jinki has survived two whole days of being crazy, if insanity is the problem, and by the end of the evening he’s exhausted and ready to collapse right there on the couch. He stops his head from lolling on Jonghyun’s shoulder just in time, though Jonghyun notices and immediately shuts the television off.
“You could have said something.” He pokes Jinki in the shoulder. “Get to bed. I don’t want to have to carry you.”
Jinki mumbles something that’s incoherent, even to himself, and drags himself to the bathroom so he can brush his teeth. His senses become more alert when he crawls into bed and Jonghyun slides in next to him, but he chooses to ignore Jonghyun and scoots to the edge of the bed again. He spends a few minutes worrying over life in general because he can’t help but worry, even when he’s half-asleep, but soon tiredness takes over and extinguishes his thoughts.
The voices are back in his dreams, telling him to get better soon and to wake up. He can hear his mother and father speaking to him, and then Taemin’s voice is in his ear again, sounding just as worried and uncertain as he did in the supermarket earlier. Jinki can’t talk back, he can’t move, he can’t do anything, and then the dream fades and he wakes up with a pounding heart.
It’s still dark when Jinki opens his eyes and the alarm clock tells him it’s a little past midnight. That’s the first thing he’s aware of after waking up, and the second thing he’s aware of is that Jonghyun is clinging to him again, hugging him tightly from behind. Jinki holds his breath, afraid to move or let Jonghyun know he’s awake, and his heart pounds even harder when Jonghyun tightens his grip a little so that escape is nearly impossible.
“It’s going to be okay,” Jonghyun whispers against the back of Jinki’s neck. “Whatever happens, it will be okay. I love you.”
Jinki still refuses to move, and it’s the longest, most awkward night he’s ever spent.
-
When Jinki wakes up in the morning he feels like he barely slept, and to make matters worse Jonghyun is still using him as a human teddy bear. Jinki tries to decide the best way to push Jonghyun off of him without waking him up or seeming rude about it, when the alarm clock suddenly goes off and startles him beyond belief. Jonghyun groans and rolls away from Jinki, releasing his grip on him so he can rub his eyes, and Jinki stops gaping so he can shut off the alarm. He has to get up in order to do so, and when he gets back into bed Jonghyun is sitting up and yawning.
“Why did the alarm go off?” Jinki asks. “It didn’t go off yesterday.”
“That’s because it was the weekend,” Jonghyun replies, blinking at him tiredly. “It’s Monday now. We have to work.”
“Work?” Jinki hopes that he’s actually dreaming, or that Jonghyun is simply spouting nonsense because he’s tired. “Wait, you mean both of us? I have to go to work this morning?”
“Yeah, you have to head in to the magazine office, remember? They’ll probably give you a new story or something and have you look over photographs, and that’s about it. You’re lucky you’re working freelance.”
Jinki isn’t entirely awake yet and he has a feeling Jonghyun isn’t either. “I can’t go in today, Jonghyun. I’ve forgotten everything. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or who I work for or how to do my job right. I don’t know anything about journalism.”
“All right, fine. Call in sick and come to the music store with me.”
The conversation has only lasted a few minutes and Jinki is already exhausted by it. He watches Jonghyun get out of bed and rummage in the closet for some clothes, slightly disturbed by the fact that Jonghyun might be rummaging through his clothes, and possibly wearing them. “Wait, I don’t understand. Why can’t I just stay home and sleep?”
Jonghyun shoots Jinki a look that is supposed to be stern, but it’s ruined by the fact that he’s still half-asleep. “I’m not leaving you here by yourself. We can’t both call in sick, so I’ll go to work and you can come with me.”
Jinki had forgotten all about Jonghyun whispering to him last night and telling him he loved him, but now the memory returns and he finds it hard to breathe. He looks away from Jonghyun and tries to argue that he’ll be perfectly fine at home by himself, but Jonghyun won’t take no for an answer and drags him out of bed. Thirty minutes later Jinki is showered, dressed, and finished with breakfast, and he feels somewhat bewildered as Jonghyun ushers him out the front door. They take a subway train to the music store Jonghyun works in and everyone in the shop seems to know Jinki, while Jinki nods and smiles and pretends that he knows them back. He’s becoming a skilled actor when it comes to pretending everything is fine, even when he’s feeling his worst, and he gets his reward when Jonghyun smiles at him and looks carefree again.
He really hates making Jonghyun worry.
As the morning progresses and heads towards lunchtime, Jinki learns that Jonghyun is passionate about music. Jonghyun clearly enjoys his job and sings to himself under his breath as he works, while Jinki stands off to the side and takes it all in like a sponge, trying his best to learn more and know Jonghyun the way he’s supposed to know him. Apparently he’s known him for five years, but Jinki only remembers knowing him for less than three days and can’t decide how he feels about Jonghyun exactly. On the first day he wanted Jonghyun out of his life as soon as possible and thought he was somewhat annoying, but now he’s learned that Jonghyun is more than just a boy who talks too much and happens to live with him.
There’s also the fact that Jonghyun might possibly love him, but Jinki isn’t ready to contemplate that yet.
“You have a nice voice,” he tells Jonghyun shyly after Jonghyun breaks into song for about the tenth time, singing along to the radio that’s turned on low at the back of the store.
“Oh. Really?” Jonghyun is shy as well, and Jinki finds that he likes this rare side of him. “Thanks. I know you don’t remember, but we go out to noraebang a lot. Maybe we can go tonight if you feel up to it.”
“That’s fine,” says Jinki, even though he can’t remember going to noraebang at all in his spare time, at least not in the last few years. He’s beginning to think that perhaps the life he remembers isn’t so perfect after all, since he still lived at home with his parents, his closest acquaintance was a sixteen-year-old kid, and he doubted he would ever get into law school. The reality he’s living now isn’t perfect either, but Jonghyun makes him feel like he might serve some sort of purpose in the world, though he hasn’t discovered what that purpose is.
He’s definitely getting used to Jonghyun.
-
Somehow the day passes by so fast that Jinki can’t keep track of it, and when evening arrives he goes with Jonghyun to pick up Key so they can all go to noraebang. “Why doesn’t Key live with you?” Jinki blurts out as they walk up to the house together.
Jonghyun is taken aback. “What?”
“You two seem really close. I was just wondering why you didn’t pick him to be your roommate.”
“Key is my best friend.”
“Yeah, exactly.” Jinki suddenly regrets asking his question in the first place. “So, um… what does that make me then?”
Jonghyun just smiles at him and doesn’t reply, and Jinki can detect a familiar sadness in his face despite the smile. Jonghyun’s bouts of sadness and worry are starting to hurt Jinki more than the despair at not remembering this world, and Jinki can’t make any sense out of it. He brushes it off and even laughs when Key pretends to be stern and tells him, “You’d better not spill soda in my lap this time, or else I’ll have to hurt you.”
The sky is dark when they reach their destination and Jinki sits off to the side with Key while Jonghyun picks out a song. When Key urges him to hurry up he finally makes his selection, and when he starts to sing Jinki forgets some of his worries. Back in the music store Jonghyun had sung quietly, mostly under his breath, but now he uses the full force of his voice and Jinki can’t help but be impressed. He sits there struggling to remember while Jonghyun’s voice stirs up something within him, something that isn’t memory but feels just as fulfilling, and by the end of the song Jinki is left feeling slightly shaken. He still can’t remember anything, but he doesn’t particularly mind at the moment because Jonghyun’s singing has moved him beyond that.
“Jinki’s turn!” Jonghyun calls out, tossing the microphone at him.
Jinki just barely manages to catch the microphone in time and suddenly feels like hiding, but Jonghyun looks so eager and Key looks impatient, so he nervously picks out a song he knows the words to. “Sorry if this is no good,” he apologizes beforehand with an anxious laugh. “I can’t remember doing any singing in a long time.” Once he starts to sing he finds that it’s easier than he thought it would be, though he doesn’t have the nerve to sing very loudly, and when he’s finished he finds that his score is much lower than Jonghyun’s.
In spite of it all, he’s actually having fun.
Key has his turn, scoring around the same as Jinki, and Jonghyun leaves to use the bathroom. Jinki isn’t uncomfortable being alone with Key, at least not too uncomfortable, but he never knows what he’s supposed to say to him and sits awkwardly beside him on the small couch while Jonghyun is in the bathroom. Fortunately he’s rescued from coming up with something to say, because Key’s the first one to speak up after a long pause.
“This is all really hard, isn’t it?”
Jinki blinks at him.
“Everything, I mean. I wasn’t expecting you to show up tonight.”
“Jonghyun really wanted me to come, so I did.”
“That’s good,” says Key. “He’s really worried about you, you know. He loves you.”
There’s that word love again, for the second time in twenty-four hours, and Jinki doesn’t know how to react. “What do you mean?”
Key doesn’t reply, though his lips curve upward into a tiny, secretive smile, and a moment later Jonghyun returns from the bathroom. Jinki is quiet for the rest of the evening.
-
They decide to eat out with Key after noraebang, and when Jinki and Jonghyun return home alone Jinki is lost in thoughts he’s been trying to push away for hours now. He’s aware that he and Jonghyun share the same bedroom and sleep in the same bed, though he first assumed it was because they were trying to be economical, and he’s aware that Jonghyun has hugged him in his sleep every night without fail. He knows that the two of them aren’t best friends the way Jonghyun is with Key, and yet Jinki is the one who lives with Jonghyun, and he knows that Jonghyun is deeply concerned about him and hasn’t yet defined what their relationship is exactly.
Jinki isn’t sure if he wants to know what his relationship with Jonghyun is, and yet he can’t stop wondering about it. As they’re getting ready for bed he’s tempted to ask Jonghyun, but the words won’t come out of his mouth and he can’t think of a polite way to ask. Jonghyun looks at him oddly, wondering why Jinki is staring at him, but Jinki just smiles and gets into bed.
He doesn’t sleep on the edge of the bed like he usually does, and he doesn’t mind terribly when Jonghyun scoots in close.
-
An entire week passes by, in which Jinki starts to forget that he ever lived another life and learns as much as he can about the new one. The only thing he can do is go forward, after all, since he has no idea how to go backward, and he’s eager to fit in so that Jonghyun doesn’t worry anymore. The two of them spend hours talking, going over all the things that Jinki doesn’t remember, until the old reality and the new are intertwined and Jinki has trouble telling them apart. Even when despair takes hold of him he forces himself to keep on smiling, because nothing relieves him more than knowing that Jonghyun is happy.
One morning Jinki wakes up with Jonghyun curled up against his back and decides that perhaps he should go to work. Jonghyun has been telling him all about his journalism job throughout the week, providing copies of various articles he’s written and a couple of drafts in progress, and Jinki has the sudden desire to make something useful of himself. He’s been solely dependent on Jonghyun for days, accompanying him to the music shop and letting him pay for all the groceries, but he’s been dependent long enough. He may not understand his role in this world, but he definitely doesn’t want to be a burden.
The alarm clock goes off and Jonghyun groans, annoyed at being woken up, while Jinki blinks and staggers out of bed to shut the alarm off. “I think I’ll go to work,” he says.
“Of course,” Jonghyun replies sleepily, rubbing at his eyes. “I’ve been bringing you every day.”
“No, not the music store. My work.”
“You sure?” Jonghyun still isn’t quite awake and forces himself to sit up so he can look at Jinki.
“Well, no. I’m not very sure, but I’ll give it a try,” says Jinki. He isn’t entirely awake himself and wonders if sleepiness has made him crazy. “That’s okay, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, sure. You better get ready then.”
Jinki is nervous as he showers, gets dressed, and eats breakfast, but by the time he’s ready to leave he’s a little excited and eager to try something new without Jonghyun at his side. Not that he doesn’t mind Jonghyun’s constant company, because Jonghyun has been a reassuring presence throughout the last couple of weeks, but sometimes Jinki wants some time on his own. He still hasn’t asked Jonghyun what their relationship is and he’s starting to feel more confused about it by the day, another good reason for him to be alone.
Jonghyun agrees to take him to the magazine office, since Jinki has no idea how to find it. “Doesn’t matter if I’m late for work,” Jonghyun assures him. “I’ll make up for it. Here, you’d better take these drafts with you.” He hands Jinki the article drafts he was supposedly working on before he forgot everything, then locks the house up.
For a moment Jinki wonders if he’s truly ready for this, but then he remembers everything else he’s endured recently. Compared to that first day when he woke up and discovered a stranger named Jonghyun in his home, going to a job he’s unfamiliar with doesn’t sound so bad. He managed to convince Jonghyun’s workers that everything is fine and normal, so perhaps he can pull off the same performance in front of his own workmates.
“Any of this look familiar?” Jonghyun whispers to him as they approach the magazine office.
Jinki looks ahead at a building he’s never seen before and shakes his head. “No.” Jonghyun is always asking him if he recognizes buildings or streets or people, just to see if his memory is returning, but Jinki is always forced to admit that nothing has changed. They enter the office together and Jonghyun explains to Jinki’s editor that Jinki hit his head recently and lost some memories, while Jinki stands awkwardly and tries to look normal, at least on the outside. He’s feeling nervous again, especially when the total stranger who’s supposed to be his editor is peering at him worriedly, as if half-expecting him to suddenly die right there on his carpet. Jinki forces himself to smile.
Just keep smiling, no matter what. It’s the only thing he can do.
“I’ve got to go now,” says Jonghyun, checking the time on his cell phone. “You’ll be okay, Jinki?”
“Yeah,” says Jinki. “Of course.”
“Just checking.”
They leave the editor’s office so Jinki can say goodbye to Jonghyun and run into one of Jinki’s co-workers, a photographer who apparently knows the two of them well. Minho is taller than both of them with dark hair and a camera around his neck, and he’s familiar with Jonghyun in a way that reminds Jinki of Jonghyun’s friendship with Key. Jonghyun gives his Jinki-hit-his-head story all over again and Minho observes Jinki quietly, looking much less disturbed than the editor but still concerned.
Jinki is getting tired of people looking at him with pity in their eyes, and it makes him want to pretend even harder that everything is all right.
“Hey, make sure you look after Jinki, okay?” Jonghyun tells Minho, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder.
Minho punches him back, grinning. “Don’t worry about it.”
Jinki is increasingly annoyed with this playful familiarity, and the fact that he’s annoyed makes him even more irritated. Eager to get Jonghyun away from Minho, he cuts their conversation short and insists that Jonghyun needs to get to work, which causes Jonghyun to sigh and leave the office with reluctance. If Minho suspects any ulterior motives on Jinki’s part, he doesn’t say anything, though there’s a flicker of amusement in his face. Jinki ignores him and returns to his editor.
-
By the time a couple of hours have passed, Jinki feels completely hopeless and tries to take on new assignments, so he works with the drafts he brought with him and watches them get marked up in red ink by his editor. He then gets handed over to a couple of staff members and everything passes by in a blur, until it’s time for lunch and he’s left feeling like somebody stuck his head in a blender. He had no idea that going to work would make him feel so bewildered.
Will he ever feel comfortable in his surroundings, or is this his doom? The only place he fits into is home, with Jonghyun, but that thought causes Jinki’s heart to thump in a way that worries him. He tears his eyes from the red marks on his articles and goes to lunch.
After he eats he discovers that nobody has need of him for the rest of the day, so he tries to figure out a way to get home. He isn’t familiar with this part of town, but after walking a few blocks he finds a street he recognizes, which leads him to more familiar places until he’s finally on a block that he knows. The rest of the trip is easy and he takes a bus home, then enters the empty house with a strange sense of victory.
He made it on his own. Perhaps he can survive this world after all.
-
Jonghyun wants to hear all about Jinki’s day at work and doesn’t stop pestering him until Jinki spills every detail. Jinki remembers how he used to be exhausted by Jonghyun’s never-ending chatter, but now he finds it easy to keep up with him and wonders why he forgot such an unforgettable boy as Jonghyun in the first place. Jonghyun is simply so noisy, friendly, and impossible to ignore that something terrible must have happened to erase him from Jinki’s memory completely.
But what happened exactly? It’s a question that still worries Jinki, even though he’s adjusting to this life and learning to enjoy himself, and whenever he’s alone he tries to figure out the mysteries of his past. It’s possible that he simply hit his head and it didn’t leave a mark, but there’s also a chance that something psychological is at the bottom of it, and that only leads to more problems and questions without answers. Jinki could lose himself for hours trying to unravel this tangled mystery if he didn’t have Jonghyun to pull him back to reality and away from his troubles.
Deep down he knows that Jonghyun is good for him, even if he did manage to forget him.
“I’m sorry,” Jinki blurts out over dinner. He and Jonghyun are sitting at the small kitchen table with takeout food in front of them and Jinki hates the worried look Jonghyun shoots him.
“For what?” Jonghyun asks.
“For… for everything, I guess. For losing my memories and forgetting you.”
“It isn’t your fault.”
“I know, I just… I’m sorry anyway. I don’t know how this happened or why I’ve forgotten everything, but I never meant to hurt you and I didn’t mean to forget you either. I would change everything and bring it back to normal if I could.”
“Jinki…” Jonghyun starts to say, and then he trails off with a sigh. The two of them sit there in awkward silence for a few minutes, chewing their takeout food as quietly as possible, until Jonghyun finally sets his chopsticks down and looks Jinki in the eye. “I’m just glad you’re still here.” He opens his mouth to say more but then closes it again, and they both know that it’s enough.
Jinki would have felt differently a couple of weeks ago, but now he’s glad too.
When he goes to bed that night he dreams of voices yet again, the same voices he hears nearly every evening. He always feels so helpless in these dreams, so helpless and unable to respond the way he wants to, and when he wakes up from the dream there are tears rolling down his cheeks. Jinki blinks in the darkness, trying to forget the pain and worry he heard in his parents’ voices, then wipes the tears away with his blanket.
Everything is so dark and quiet, aside from Jonghyun’s soft breathing just a few inches from Jinki’s ear. Jonghyun is always there in Jinki’s darkest moments, the only certain thing in his upside-down life, and Jinki realizes that Jonghyun has become the most important person to him.
He scoots closer to Jonghyun for the very first time and takes him by the hand, refusing to let go for the rest of the night.
-
Life goes on. Jinki gets through another week, in which he becomes less incompetent at his job and finds new ways to fight the darkness that sits at the edge of his mind, waiting to come forth and consume him. His problems and sorrows don’t decrease, and perhaps they never will, but his joys increase by the day and he feels like a new person. He may not have the correct memories of his past, but he has a new set of memories from the last few weeks to build upon. Sometimes he gets dizzy and feels sick, as if some unseen force is tugging at him, but he always brushes it off and doesn’t mention it to Jonghyun, since these attacks never last long. Surely it’s nothing to worry over.
“Hey, let me see your work,” Jonghyun says one evening. Jinki is nearly done with his first article at last, or at least his first article since all the trouble started. The writing process turned out to have a calming effect on him and distracted him from his problems in a way that nothing besides Jonghyun ever could.
Jinki hesitates. “It isn’t complete yet.”
“So? I want to see it. You’ve always showed me in the past, Jinki.”
Jinki sighs and shuffles off to find his latest draft. Jonghyun knows the perfect method of guilt-tripping him by insisting that things were a certain way in the past, and Jinki usually can’t refuse him. Everything feels so fragile still, even after weeks of living this way, and Jinki longs for a lightning bolt to come out of nowhere and miraculously jog his memory.
The article isn’t very long and the subject matter isn’t terribly exciting, but Jonghyun grins when Jinki places the papers in his hands. “If I ever become a singer I’ll have you write my songs for me,” he says. “You’re good with words, you know, at least on paper. Somehow all your fail goes away when you’ve got a paper and pen.”
Jinki grins back, taking no offense at the joke. “Thanks. Minho took some photographs to go with the article. He’s not so bad as long as you don’t try competing with him.” Sometimes he still feels out of place at work, but he’s getting to know everyone better and most of his workmates keep an eye on him, guiding him in the right direction when his memory fails him. It’s like being the new kid in a brand new school, except the settings aren’t new as far as everyone else is concerned.
He takes his article back from Jonghyun and suddenly his head starts spinning for about the tenth time that week, making him feel dizzy and out of breath. Something is echoing in the distance and it takes him a moment to recognize the sound of voices, like in his dreams only more faraway. It takes all of his strength and willpower to keep a straight face in front of Jonghyun, though he longs to stumble off to bed and sleep off this strange feeling.
“Hey.” Jonghyun looks more curious than worried. “You all right?”
Jinki straightens his back and takes deep breaths, steadying himself. “Yeah, of course. I’m just a little tired.”
“You’re always tired,” Jonghyun teases. “You’d better get to bed then.”
The dizziness is subsiding now and Jinki gazes at Jonghyun for a long moment, taking in every detail of his face. Something has changed in the way he sees Jonghyun, something that makes him feel dizzy and breathless all over again, and he suddenly feels very, very glad that he woke up that fateful morning and found Jonghyun in his home. It’s on the tip of his tongue to say so, but he swallows his words and turns away from Jonghyun so he can go brush his teeth. Jonghyun naturally follows him and they perform their bedtime rituals in silence, aside from the sounds of sink water running and toothbrushes moving back and forth. It’s rare to find Jonghyun completely silent and Jinki savors every second, knowing that the solitude won’t last forever.
They say a simple goodnight to each other as they crawl into bed, and Jinki lets his breath out slowly as he lies on his side and draws the blankets up to his chin. It isn’t quite a sigh, but more like a weight lifting off him as he exhales. Every day is difficult and so is every evening, but it gets easier day by day and night by night.
“I love you,” Jonghyun whispers half an hour later while Jinki is still awake.
“I know,” Jinki whispers back.
-
His dreams are more vivid than ever before. The voices are loud and clear, sounding worried and hopeful, and Jinki struggles to talk back. He wants to tell everyone that he’s perfectly safe, that he’s quite happy now, but his mouth refuses to form the words, just as it always does. It simply isn’t fair and Jinki flails his fists in irritation, pounding on the mattress.
For the first time since he started having these dreams, he can move. The dream doesn’t allow him to speak, but he can move his hands and unclenches them slowly, then curls them back up into fists.
“Jinki.”
He hears his name now, from various voices. His name is echoing in his head until it’s the only thing he’s aware of, and then suddenly it feels like he’s coming out of a thick fog.
Jinki opens his eyes.
-
The first thing he sees is Taemin’s eager face, and then his parents are at his bedside, talking loudly and too quick for Jinki’s mind to process their words. He’s in a room he doesn’t recognize and there are tubes hooked up to his body, like a science experiment gone horribly awry, and Jinki starts to tremble. He still can’t talk despite his efforts to get his mouth working.
“Jinki.” His mother takes him by the hand and squeezes it. “You’re back.”
Back to where? What for? Everything is a blur and he can’t remember a thing, though something tells him he ought to be elsewhere right now. There’s something tugging at his mind, some nameless person who should be here, but Jinki can’t think of who this person could be. His memory is a mess.
He blinks, eyes darting restlessly from person to person, and he knows this is right and yet somehow it’s wrong. Something is missing, even though both his parents are standing before him with Taemin hovering nearby, and Jinki feels thoroughly unhappy. He just wants to go home.
He slips back into sleep, hoping to find answers there, but all he finds is darkness.
-
“You were in a car accident a few weeks ago,” the doctor explains when Jinki opens his eyes again. “You’ve been in a coma the whole time.”
Car accident. Coma. Jinki can’t make any sense out of this. He doesn’t remember anything from the last few weeks and his head aches from the effort of thinking too hard. The doctor is still talking to him in his calm, reassuring voice, but Jinki only catches fragments of what he’s saying.
“-you were on your way to school in the morning…”
School? But Jinki isn’t in school anymore. Or is he?
“-your professors have gathered all the work you’ve missed.”
Work. There’s something about work that Jinki should remember, but it escapes him.
“-and you’re going to need therapy for a while. Your body has forgotten how to perform basic functions.”
Like speaking. When will Jinki be able to speak again? There are so many questions he wants to ask, so many things he wants to tell his family, but it all remains locked up in his head. It’s bad enough that his memory is completely jumbled and now he has a whole crowd of pent-up thoughts, threatening to make his head explode. Jinki blinks and nods as the doctor speaks to him, pretending to hear every word, while a nurse checks on the tubes hooked up to his body.
He’s never felt so helpless and alone before.
His parents and Taemin left while he was asleep and Jinki feels a mixture of sadness and relief. He would have liked to see his parents a little longer, but at the same time he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about trying to talk back to them. According to the doctor he has to re-learn how to walk and eat as well, all because of an accident that Jinki can’t even remember. Does he even know how to drive? They told him he was driving to college on the day of the accident, but somehow the thought of driving feels wrong, like it’s something beyond his reach.
There’s someone missing, he knows that for sure. Someone important should be in this hospital room with him, but he isn’t here and Jinki can feel the pang of his absence. He’s pretty sure the person is a he and not a she, though he can’t imagine how he could possibly know this.
All he knows is that this is going to be a long, long recovery process. The doctor gives him some medication and Jinki slips off to oblivion once again.
-
It doesn’t take long for Jinki to lose track of the days. One day he’s hooked up in the hospital room and the next day he’s in his bedroom at home, just like that. Or perhaps it isn’t just like that, but it’s impossible to keep track of time and he’s often on medication, so everything blurs together and eventually it feels like he’s been at home all along. A therapist came every day while he was still in the hospital and taught him how to eat again, though Jinki’s hands are shaky and sometimes he spills his food. He can’t walk on his own yet, but he can stand for a few minutes at a time and Taemin helps him take a few awkward, wobbly steps when he comes home from school.
It’s strange to have Taemin come over in the afternoons and help him. Taemin is always bright and happy to see him, willing to give Jinki whatever he needs, yet Jinki feels uncomfortable in his presence. He keeps expecting Taemin to take leave of his senses and run away from him, even though the two of them have been next-door neighbors their whole lives. Jinki starts to wonder if he’s going crazy.
Even more troubling than these problems is the dream Jinki has almost every night. It’s a different dream every time, but it all seems like one dream because the same boy appears night after night. The boy is friendly and talkative, with a unique personality unlike anyone Jinki has ever known before, but the dream always fades before Jinki can catch the boy’s name. Every night he gets teased with images and feelings that seem more and more familiar, until one morning he wakes up with the name on his lips.
“Jonghyun,” he mouths slowly, forming the syllables with difficulty. He’s learning to say a few words thanks to a therapist who comes twice a week and using his hands becomes easier every day. He’s even re-learned how to write on a pad of paper whenever he has something important to say.
But who is Jonghyun? Why does he keep appearing in Jinki’s dreams and why does it feel like Jinki knows him quite well? The more he thinks about it the more he starts to believe that the car accident altered his sanity.
In the afternoon Taemin arrives to entertain him and help him walk, and Jinki grabs his pad of paper so he can ask Taemin a question. Do I have a friend named Jonghyun?
Taemin frowns down at the paper, trying to decipher the messy handwriting. “Jonghyun?” he repeats.
Jinki nods his head.
“I’ve never heard of anyone named Jonghyun. Are you playing a game or something?”
Jinki is more certain than ever that something strange happened to him while he was lying in the hospital for weeks. I think I met him when I was in the coma, he writes, which earns him a bewildered look from Taemin. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true. I’m still trying to remember everything.
“Let’s watch a movie,” says Taemin, gazing at Jinki with worried eyes. He doesn’t say it out loud, but he obviously thinks that Jinki has spent too much time sitting and thinking and therefore needs a distraction. Jinki doesn’t argue with him and lets Taemin pick the movie, then shuffles to the living room couch on awkward steps. His walking has greatly improved since he first arrived home and Taemin is there to catch him each time he stumbles, until he’s finally seated on the couch among comfortable pillows. He can’t remember the last time he did something entertaining, since most of his time is spent trying to recover, and he smiles when Taemin plops down on the couch beside him and turns the movie on.
There’s something familiar about this situation and Jinki has a hard time focusing on the film. He remembers sitting with someone else on a couch like this, in this same exact living room, watching the television when there was nothing else to do. Jinki is teased with the faint ghosts of memories, too vague and distant for him to fully grasp, and he’s reminded of his dreams. Either he’s forgotten something important in his life or he’s simply going mad as a result of the car crash.
Perhaps it’s a little of both.
“Thanks,” Jinki says slowly when the movie ends, even though he barely paid attention to the film.
“Feel better now?” Taemin asks, unable to hide his concern.
Jinki nods his head, mainly because he doesn’t want to worry Taemin. This strong desire to keep his problems to himself feels familiar as well, though he can’t remember why. No matter how hard he thinks about it the answer is just out of his reach, and he gives it up for the time being. He has more important things to worry about after all.
-
It takes weeks of rest and therapy until Jinki can walk and talk again. He slowly returns to a normal way of life, though his mind is still troubled by something he’s forgotten, and he finishes up his college semester by working mainly at home. His grade point average is lower than it would have been if he hadn’t fallen into the coma, but he promises his parents to do well next time.
By the time his next semester starts up, Jinki is recovered enough to attend school and gives up on his goal of becoming a lawyer. Instead he signs up for classes in journalism and music, for reasons he can’t quite figure out, and he assures everyone that he’s making the right decision. Deep down he knows he isn’t cut out to be a lawyer anyway.
On the morning of his first class he takes a bus to the college, since he gave up on driving and sold his car, and nervously enters his music classroom. He hasn’t taken a music course since his first year of high school and he quickly finds a seat at the back, where he hopefully won’t get picked on by the professor. The classroom fills up quickly with students, some of them chattering loudly, some of them looking sleepy like Jinki, until there are only a couple of empty seats left.
“Hey. Is it okay if I sit here?”
Jinki, who was zoning out for the last five minutes, is startled to hear a voice right beside him. “Oh, sure,” he says, realizing he has an empty seat next to him. “Go ahead.”
“Thanks.” The boy who spoke to Jinki sits down and Jinki nearly gasps when he gets a good look at him. The boy is dressed stylishly with brown hair in an equally stylish haircut, and it’s a shock to see him because Jinki knows this boy, and yet he doesn’t. It’s the same boy who appeared in his dreams on a regular basis, the same boy who made Jinki question his sanity, and now he’s right here in person.
Jinki isn’t surprised when the boy grins at him, bright and friendly as if they’ve known each other for years, and says, “I’m Jonghyun, by the way.”
Jinki can’t explain how he knows this, but he has a feeling he and Jonghyun are going to become good friends.