SBB 2016 Entry #15: Sunshine On a Plain of Grey (3/3)
Title: Sunshine On a Plain of Grey
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun
Rating: Nc-17
Genre: Angst
Warnings: internalized homophobia, self hatred, abuse, brief racial slurs, two mentions of suicidal thoughts/plan and brief mention of violence
Final Word Count: 27,177
Adrenaline drained out of him as he staggered away from his father's now unmoving body. His hands were shaking, breathing elevated and heart pounding hard in his chest as blood rushed passed his ears. He heard his mother ordering his sister to grab something for him, but he was staring at the blood pooling from his father's head to even come close to comprehending anything around him. His mother stepping between him and his father snapped him out of his daze. She cupped his cheek with a soft smile. “My sweet baby boy.” Sodam rushed back in and handed their mother a wet cloth, and it was used to gently wipe away the blood on Jonghyun's face. “You need to leave Baby. Go to Jinki's. They'll help you while we clean up.”
“Ma-”
“No.” She pushed his hair behind his ear with a smile. “If anyone comes looking for him we will say he abandoned us. Go.”
He swallowed thickly before nodding. “Okay… Okay.” She helped tug him from the floor before he rushed to pack whatever he could into the duffle bag he had under his bed in a rush. The few clothes he had, the extra pair of shoes, the money box he kept between the wall and the mattress, and just as he was about to zip up the bag he caught sight of the tiny glass bottle glistening on the shaggy rug on the floor. After a moment of second guessing bringing it he bent down to scoop it up. The bag was closed quickly and he shouldered it before heading out to the living room. His father's body was covered with a blanket and he swallowed as he averted his eyes away from it. His mother approached with two brown paper wrapped bundles. One was smaller than the other and when he opened it green bills caught the light. “Ma I can't.”
“Take it. Please.” She pushed up to kiss his cheek. “You and Sodam were all I had. Go be happy.”
“Ma?” Jonghyun’s voice was vulnerable and weak. His confusion obvious on his face as his mother pushed the two bundles into the bag that was over his shoulder.
She smiled as if she knew something he didn't. She took his hand and squeezed it firmly. “You didn’t believe I didn’t know about Jinki and you did you?”
“You know?” He gasped as fear trickled into his mess of emotions. He couldn’t take his always loving mother looking at him with disgust because she knew about his feelings for another man.
“I have for a while. He treats you well. That’s all that I care about son. Now go.” She kissed his cheek, Sodam came to hug him tightly, and they both pushed him out the door with a called out I love you. He was still shaking as he made the trek across the long distance between their homes. The bag was heavy on his back, but he was sure it was what he was leaving behind and not the actual contents.
The moon was beginning to rise above him, stars twinkling in the darkening sky as his footsteps caused the long grass to flatten, and his breathing hitching as tears fell from his eyes. The lights in Jinki’s house became brighter as he got closer. He could hear soft laughter coming from the house as he stepped onto the porch. His knuckles raked against the thick wood of the front door. The laughter stopped and footsteps approached. In the middle of his complete windstorm of emotions he felt guilty for stopping their happiness. The door was swung open and Jinki’s smiling face appeared. His happiness visibly shifted on his features as he took in the sight of his lover and best friend. “Jonghyun… what..”
“I… my father…” Jinki rushed forward to curl his fingers around Jonghyun’s upper arms.
“Jonghyun did he hurt you? Is your Sister and Mother okay?”
Before Jonghyun could answer Jinki felt a hand on his shoulder and heard his father’s voice, “Step away son. Let him in. I have a feeling this is a conversation you don’t have on the doorstep. Soo, put on some tea. We’ll need it.”
-----
The teapot was whistling from the stove and Jinki’s mother rushed for it. Jonghyun was sitting on the old sofa next to his friend. He was trying his hardest not to give in to his urge to fall towards Jinki because his parents didn’t know about them. Jinki was looking at him constantly though completely ignoring the fact his father was in the room. He could tell Jonghyun was really shaken about whatever happened, but he couldn’t stop crying long enough to form a coherent sentence. The red splattered on his clothes gave Jinki a sinking feeling in his heart. A thought bubbled up that no one would have to deal with Jonghyun’s father ever again.
Once the tea was brought out Jinki held the cup for Jonghyun. The poor man’s hands were shaking so badly all the hot tea would have fallen onto his lap before the cup even reached his lips. “Breathe.” He whispered as he brought the tiny teacup up to Jonghyun’s mouth. The cup was put on the table in front of them once a little was swallowed. As Jinki sat back Jonghyun’s will crumbled and his head was against his boyfriend’s shoulder a moment later. “What happened Jonghyunie?”
“My father h-h-he’s gone.” He sniffled hard as his hands began to shake harder. Jinki curled his own over them to try and calm him a little.
“Gone, what do you mean son?” Jinki’s father asked softly.
“He was a-a-ttacking my mother again.” His eyes were squeezed shut as he took a deep breath. They snapped open again as he said, “So he’s gone.”
Understanding flashed over his father’s features so quickly that it made Jinki feel uneasy. “Is your mother and sister okay?”
“They said they’d,” A hiccup interrupted his speech, but he quickly recovered, “ clean up. They sent me here.”
With a smile the man of the house stood up and took Jonghyun’s hand from his son’s. “And they did the right thing.” He turned to Jinki and his expression turned serious. “Clean him up. Pack a bag. I’ll return shortly from helping them.”
“Pack a bag I don’t-” Then it dawned on him and he swallowed thickly. “Yes Father.”
The front door clattered against the frame and his mother left the room. Jinki picked the teacup back up and held it out to Jonghyun. “What did he mean Jinki?”
“He means we won’t be returning home anytime soon.” He moved the cup closer to Jonghyun’s lips. “Drink this and try to calm down. We have a long night ahead of us.”
Jonghyun looked over the rim of the held out tiny teacup and sucked a quick breath in. “ Don’t leave me.”
“I’d never do any such thing.” He sounded so sure, so loving and strong, and Jonghyun found himself almost drowning in the warmth of his voice. Almost.
“I killed my father.” He gasped out, breathing returning to hyperventilating slowly.
“That doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Jonghyun’s heart calmed a little when Jinki smiled lovingly at him. “I’m your safe place. Let me keep you safe now. Drink.”
The cooling down liquid was slowly drunk and the cup returned to the kitchen. Jinki’s hand was warm and sure around Jonghyun’s cool, trembling ones as he was led back to the older man’s bedroom.
----
Jonghyun’s arms were wrapped around his body, coat tight around him, and his chin was laid against his chest. Jinki’s eyes kept drifting to him from where he was helping his father saddle Sadie. “Son.” Shocked out of his thoughts Jinki’s head snapped back to his father. “Are you listening to me?”
“Yes sorry father.”
“Jonghyun’s mother told you to take Sadie and sell her in the next town over. That along with the money you have you should be able to get two train tickets to the east coast to find work there. The money will last you a couple months,” The man stopped pulling the saddle tight and sighed as he turned toward his son. He gripped Jinki’s shoulders with a sad smile on his face. “You know I love you right?”
“Of course,” Jinki softly replied. “I love you too.”
“I will never be your birth father Jinki, but I tried to make sure you knew you were loved and cared for. We didn’t have much, but we had love. Make sure that boy over there get’s the love his father never showed him. Protect each other. Like you always have.”
“I will.” His voice was slowly becoming thicker, and it was getting harder to push down his emotions. “You’ll always be my Father. Always.”
The smile on the man’s face was warm and happy as he cupped Jinki’s face. “And you’ll always be my Son.”
Jinki softly kissed his mother and his heart broke at her tears. “Be good my son.” She whispered against his neck as he held her. She gave Jonghyun a kiss on the cheek and a warm smile. After climbing up onto the horse the only way Jonghyun knew Jinki was crying were the little droplets of water falling on his hand that was on his stomach.
When they hit the bridge Jinki looked back once more at his parents, their figures faint in the dark distance, and with one last deep breath he turned away for the last time. He touched Jonghyun’s clasped hands on his stomach with his left hand and kicked Sadie’s side. She shot off into the night away from her riders entire lives.
-----
It was a 3 hour ride to the town over. Jinki knew his father wanted them to get on the train as soon as they could, but as he brought the horse to a stop he had a feeling in his stomach that what Jonghyun needed right now was a bed. He patted the boy’s hands and softly said, “Just a little while longer.” Jonghyun pressed closer to him without a word. Jinki moved his hands from his middle when they arrived at the small inn and slipped from the saddle. He touched Jonghyun’s thigh with one hand as he handed the reins with his other. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” He pulled a little cash from one of the saddle bags and jogged up into the inn.
Jonghyun ran his fingers over the horse’s neck to busy himself. He didn’t want to have to sell her. She was such a beautiful horse. His father often mistreated her when riding, but she never showed any menace because of it. Thoughts of his father made it hard to swallow. Jinki coming back out with a tall man. “What’s he for?”
“He heard me talking to the innkeeper about selling Sadie and made an offer.” Jinki replied as he held his hand up to help Jonghyun of the horse. Once he was on the ground he was asked, “Is that okay?”
With a flashed smile Jonghyun mumbled, “Yeah.. yeah that’s fine.” Then after a moment he asked, “Can I say goodbye?”
“Of course.” As Jinki turned to take their items from the saddle bags Jonghyun moved around to the front of the horse.
There was a soft smile on his face as Sadie whinnied and moved to nibble on his hair. “No, No girl don’t do that.” He ran his hands over her gently, “Thank you for being such a good horse Sadie, but you’ll be going with his nice looking man okay. Be good.”
Jinki returned to his side with a warm smile and a soft touch of his hand. His shoulders were carrying their bags and the wooden box given to them by his father was held against his side. “You ready to go? We have a room for the night.”
“Yeah.. yeah.” He looked over his shoulder right before they entered the inn to see the man leading Sadie away toward the stables. Tonight was full of loss. He was starting to get tired of it. Once they were handed their key he headed up the stairs, Jinki following close behind him. As soon as he was in the bed the rest of his emotions crashed into him. Jinki was in the middle of slipping off his shoes when he heard the first sob wrack Jonghyun’s frame, and he was quick to rush over and bring the man’s head into his chest.
“Come on Love, let’s get under the covers.” Jinki suggested with a gentle, warm voice. Jonghyun moved slowly, limbs weighed down with sorrow. Once wrapped up in the warmth of the bed and Jinki’s arms Jonghyun started speaking incoherent words. Jinki didn’t try to stop him or try to understand. Somewhere in him he somehow knew the words were meant for Jonghyun only. They didn’t need to be understood by anyone but him.
-----
In the morning Jinki kissed Jonghyun’s forehead and whispered, “I’ll be right back Love. Just rest.”
Jonghyun watched him leave with half opened eyes before tugging the pillow the man had been using closer to his chest. He felt exhausted down deep into his bones. His tummy also was rumbling, but he didn’t want to touch the food until Jinki was there with him. The man came back some time later with a paper in his hand. Jinki kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed. Jonghyun wiggled closer to lay on his chest almost immediately. “Where’d you go?”
“Down to the train station.” Jinki softly explained. He showed the paper to him, “The best price I could get is still so expensive.”
“You don’t have to come with me.” Jonghyun mumbled,
Jinki’s lips were pressed against Jonghyun’s forehead as he tugged him closer. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”
-----
They ate a quick breakfast after washing up and worked to condense their bags as much as they could. The money besides as much as they would need for the train tickets was put in the locked box and put at the bottom of their bag. They returned the room key and headed out toward the station soon after. They bought connecting tickets to New york and boarded the train soon after. Jonghyun wanted the window seat and Jinki liked having the aisle seat. Deep down it felt as he was a barrier protecting Jonghyun. His hand was warm in the other’s hand.
-----
By the time the train pulled into New York Jonghyun seemed to be better than before. Jinki could still see the slight tremor in his hand when he reached for something and had to hold him during the night for him to sleep as the memory of the night flashed in his mind through his dreams, but he was smiling a little more and didn’t look so run down. As soon as they stepped off the train they could tell they weren’t in kansas anymore. There were so many people bustling around. Jonghyun was close to his back, eyes wide in shock. Neither really knew where to begin, but they chose left and made their way to the street outside the train station.
They found a cheap inn and bought a couple nights in advance. They spent one night there tonight before setting off in the morning to find work. They thought it would take at tops a week to find work, but they soon found out it wasn’t that easy. They rented a very small apartment on the outskirts of the city and for two months they went out looking for work only to be turned away. Jonghyun always tried to smile and look at the brighter side of things, but Jinki knew just under the surface it was because of the color of their skin.
Jinki was walking from the store on the corner from their apartment with apples in the bag when he saw the flyer for the circus. He ripped the paper from the wooden pole and shoved it in his pocket. He figured with all the hardship lately Jonghyun and him could use the distraction. The money they were given from their parents was slowly beginning to dwindle. They were trying their hardest to make it stretch as far as they could, but it was hard to support two people without work.
Jonghyun was reading the one book they had brought with them from Kansas on the thin mattress against the wall. A big smile bloomed on his face when he heard the door jingle open. “Baby!”
With a soft smile Jinki leaned down to press a kiss to Jonghyun’s lips and one apple was rolled down the book to hit where the mattress touched his chest. “Good afternoon Love.”
“Any luck?”
With a sigh Jinki plopped down next to him on the mattress. “Not a single nibble.”
Jonghyun leaned his head against Jinki’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Baby.”
After laying his head against Jonghyun’s Jinki sighed again, “It’s okay.” He wiggled to pull the paper from his pocket. “But I found this and thought you’d enjoy it.” With a raised eyebrow Jonghyun unfolded the paper. A soft gasp left his lips as he looked back up at Jinki. “I know how much you’ve always wanted to go.”
The smaller man’s face fell as did his hands holding the paper. “But we can’t go.”
He pressed a kiss to Jonghyun’s cheek. “I’m taking you there. Call it a date.”
“Oh Jinki.” He nudged him with his shoulder before leaning his head against Jinki’s. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
-----
That weekend they stood in line with their tickets waiting for the big curtains to be opened. Jonghyun was looking forward to the animals, and Jinki would probably be staring at the other man far too much to pay attention. Soon they were walking through the Big top and finding seats. Jonghyun was vibrating next to him on the wooden bench as the music began to play and a single figure appeared in the middle of the tent.
“Ladies and Gents, children of all ages. I am Mr. Paul Smith, and I'd like to welcome you to the greatest show on Earth. I hope you enjoy the manificiant acts prepared for you tonight.”
The crowd erupted in applause as the man bowed and exited the ring. The music changed and the curtains opened as the like of acts walked through them. The two elephants the circus had, clowns, the acrobats twirling in the air in the center and even the contortionist was twisting under the acrobats. The light in Jonghyun’s eyes was the brightest Jinki has seen in months.
At the end of the circus Jonghyun was walking next to him really wanting to hold hands, but with people around he kept his touch to himself. They followed where the majority of the crowd led them. It was then they overhead voices through the canvas to the right of them. “If you can't clean up after the animals in the allotted time I'll get someone else to do it.”
“Mr. Smith sir, three people have jumped train from my crew this last section of track. There's only one other person helping me.”
“Then I'd find someone else to come with us soon before you're out of a job.” The voices stopped after that and Jonghyun and Jinki shared a look.
“But live on the tracks?” Jonghyun mumbled quietly.
“It's a job.” Jinki pointed out, but then his hand was pushed through his hair and a sigh blew past his lips. “And it's never permanent.”
Jonghyun chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before his head nodded slowly. “Let's go talk to him.”
They found out the man was an older gentleman when they walked around the canvas. He stabbed his shovel into the ground and leaned onto it. “What’re you two doing back here?! This is for crew only.”
Jinki swallowed thickly before speaking. “Well that's the reason we're here. To ask about employment.”
The man's eyebrow lifted, “You both are here wanting to work on the track?”
“It's work. With pay.” Jonghyun commented quietly from behind Jinki.
They were looked over before the man clicked his tongue and pointed to Jinki. “You I'll take on my crew. I'll find somewhere else for your friend. Come back tomorrow with your things, if you have any. I'll get you settled in before we head off tomorrow night for the next gig.”
Jinki flashed a big smile and shook the man's held out hand. “Thank you.”
Maybe things were looking up.
-------
They packed their things into the two bags they had as best they could and headed to the circus tent they had talked to the man the day before. They were asked if they wanted separate beds, but they shook their heads. One bunk was enough for them. The cot they were given was barely big enough for one man, but they'd manage.
Jonghyun was found a job helping food storage on the train. They didn't have to work when the train was in motion, and they'd get paid just under a dollar an hour when they did work. With little time to actually spend their wages they hoped saving up money would be easier.
They were left alone to get the feel for things after that. They had to share the cart with 3 other people, but there were curtains to slide to have some type of privacy. It wasn't home, but it would do. They had each other. That's all that mattered.
-----
At the next stop Jinki found his boss after kissing Jonghyun goodbye behind their curtain. Their neighbors weren't very friendly they soon found out, but they understood. They were newcomers. Intruders.
When Jinki returned to their cot he was dirty and smelled of the animals. He flashed a big smile when he saw Jonghyun sitting in the cot when he stepped into the cart. The smaller man's face scrunched up at his boyfriend’s stench. “You need a bath.”
“Good thing we have free time until the end of the show. There's a lake on the other side of the tracks.”
Jonghyun waved his hands from him when Jinki tried to get closer. “Stay over there smelly.”
Their curtain was pulled close and Jonghyun followed Jinki shortly. He only let the man kiss him after he was tossed in the water.
-------
Late Fall, 1920
With the summer season over the circus was off until opening day in the middle of Spring the next year. The train was parked on a track near a decent sized down and the crew were allowed to go out and spend their wages they earned during the season. The Big Top was up to hour the animals so they weren't on the train boiling. Most of the crew were scattered in town, but Jinki and Jonghyun were enjoying the quiet alone. They were walking through the animals holding hands. It was then the bars from the trapeze caught their attention.
Jinki smiled as he lifted himself up onto the low hanging bar. “It's like the rafters in the barn.”
Jonghyun was smiling even with his worry, “You're gonna get yourself killed playing on that silly.”
In response Jinki fell back to hang by the back of his knees. He looked back at Jonghyun with a big goofy smile, “You're still as boring as ever.”
“I know.” Jinki held out his hands and Jonghyun shook his head. “I'm not letting you get me into trouble.”
Jinki pouted as he wiggled his fingers, “Come on, just a little twist. It'll be fun!”
Against his better judgement Jonghyun went and gave him his hands after sitting on the ground. Jinki lifted him pretty easily and gave them a twist after moving his body. Jonghyun wanted to scream.Their fun was shattered when a voice cut through their giggles. “What are you two doing?”
Jinki struggled to get off quickly and stumbled a little after Jonghyun was already standing up. Standing before them was Mr. Smith. He fumbled over his words to explain himself. “We were messing around. I'm sorry Sir.”
Mr. Smith ran his tongue over his lips. “I happen to need a trapeze act for the next season. If you and your… partner can show me an act that's safe and we'll done it's yours. Raise included. Unless you like shoveling shit and carrying boxes of food.”
When Jonghyun looked back at Jinki the man was already looking at him. There was an unspoken understanding and Jonghyun quickly replied, “We'll do our best.”
Mr. Smith bowed his head and began to walk away. As he was near the entrance he looked over his shoulder. “Next time, try to not play with my equipment so carelessly.”
“Of course sir.”
----
Spring, 1921
Jinki’s hands were sweating and Jonghyun felt as if he had butterflies in his stomach as they waited behind the curtain leading into the bigtop. Their new outfits were tight against their frame. “You ready?” Jinki softly asked as he stepped behind Jonghyun.
They had practiced all fall and winter, through the freezing temperatures and the mishaps, to work on a routine. They soon found out they had a talent for it. Jonghyun’s fears were hard to overcome, but the way Jinki looked at him and reassured him helped them dwindle. Now it was their first performance and those fears were roaring back. “No.”
With a chuckle Jinki kissed his neck. “I won't let you fall.”
“Promise?”
“Always. I promise.”
Jinki kept his promise. Jonghyun found his fears had no place as soon as they got the standing ovation of the crowd when their act was finished.
----
Fall, 1923
As their popularity grew the more money they tried to save. Mr. Smith offered them a cot in the acrobats car, but they had grown used to their small cot and refused. When the train happened upon a bankrupt circus many things were bought. Animals, some performers were hired and Jinki and Jonghyun approached Mr. Smith about buying their own train car. He laughed at their request, but given their popularity he was more willing to hear them out.
“We have the money for it. We just need your permission to put it on your train.” Jonghyun softly explained.
After a moment the boss sighed. “Very well. As long as there's a way to move through it without bothering you, it's fine.”
They had never been more happy to have given up all the luxuries they had during their break than when they final bolt was in place and their cart was on the track.
----
1926
Jinki’s fingers were pushing into Jonghyun’s shoulders when the little girl came squealing around the corner. He watched as Jonghyun bloomed seeing the small child. He pulled away from the strong hands massaging the kinks of his muscles to kneel down with his arms open. The little girl was scooped up and Jonghyun looked so completely happy holding her on his hip. “What are you doing this far away from your mommy?”
“I wanted to see your stuff close up. Daddy said I could.” Jonghyun smiled even wider.
“Well we have some time so you want to wait with me Marilyn?”
“Yeah!” She squealed once again, gripping his outfit, and laying her head on his shoulder. His eyes lifted to try and find Jinki, but he wasn’t where he left him. He glanced around the dimly lit area for him, and found him leaning against a thick wooden stake closer to the Big Top’s opening leading directly back stage. His arms were across his chest, eyes down at the floor, and emotional turmoil all over his face. He never was able to mask his feelings very well from Jonghyun.
With a frown Jonghyun set the girl down. “I will be right back. Stay right here, okay Sweetie?” Jinki lifted his head when he heard someone approach. “Baby what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” His gaze turned to look through the small opening of the tent. A elephant rider was having trouble rolling on her stockings.
Jonghyun crossed his arms and snorted. “16 years knowing you. Tell me again what’s wrong and don’t lie to me again.”
Jinki glared at him and with a growl he asked, “I can’t even feel guilty without you needing to know what is happening?”
“Guilty? Why would you be feeling guilty?” Jinki made a noise as he turned his head away from Jonghyun. “Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you.”
“Why?” Jinki’s eyes were heated as his head whipped back around. “So you can tell me I have no reason to be guilty? So you can tell me to stop feeling what I’m feeling?”
“I’m your lover!” Jonghyun hissed. “I deserve to be able to be concerned!”
“There’s a difference between being concerned and just being so God damn nosey.” Jinki growled deep in his throat as he pushed his fingers in his hair before his head thunked against the wood behind him. “I see how happy you are around children. I see how you just blossom when they are near you and it makes me feel horrible inside because I can’t give you the family you want.”
“Oh not this again.” Jonghyun groaned. “I don’t expect you to give me children!”
“That doesn’t change how I feel!” Jinki yelled. The music and the sounds of the elephants during their performance in the Big Top covered up his voice. “If I hadn’t been here, if you hadn’t fell in love with me, you’d have the family you deserve. You’d have that little one I know you want. You’d have that cute house with the dog in the back. You wouldn’t be living on a train full of freaks that see us as the freaks because you love a man. Dammit Jonghyun. All I want for you is to be happy and I keep failing at giving you what I know will. I can’t prove to you that you aren’t you father without giving you a child.”
“You can’t make me feel bad for wanting children Jinki!” Jonghyun screamed, anger fully developing inside of him. “If you feel this way than just go! Leave me. That’s what you want isn’t? You keep bringing this up like get over it already. If you love me be with me. Don’t keep thinking about things out of our control. After everything stop feeling bad about something you have no control over and focus on me.”
“I’m always focused on you!” Jinki hissed. “My whole life is focused on you. It always as been. Don’t stand there and tell me what I’m feeling isn’t significant enough. Don’t stand there and tell me to get over it. I never tell you to get over what you’re feeling. What makes my feelings any different?!”
“Because your feelings keep going back to the same stuff!” Jonghyun growled. “You feel guilty, you feel horrible, you feel like you aren’t giving me what I deserve. Yada yada yada. Have you ever thought that going on like this is the reason I’m not happy as you say I should be?”
“Fine. I’m done. I can’t give you what you want, and I’m tired of failing and feeling horrible because of it. Oh and then told how I’m feeling is the reason you aren’t happy. God forbid the world focuses on anything or anyone other than you Jonghyun Kim.” Jinki let out a mocking laugh, “Good news for you though, you’ll have the cart to yourself tonight. I’ll sleep with the horses tonight.”
He pushed off the beam and headed toward the flaps. He disappeared a moment later. Before Jonghyun could think of what to say or to go after him even their act was being called. The realization of what had been said, what he had said, crashed into him. His feet moved him into the middle of the Big Top where Jinki was waiting for him just in front of their two lowly hanging bars. Jinki didn’t smile at him like normal though and it twisted his heart painfully. There was no soft touch of his fingertips against his lower back, no goodluck or soft kiss pressed to his cheek before they stepped out into the light. Nothing, but a cold gaze.
-----
Up in the air…
In a quick blink of an eye and a spike of pure panic Jinki slipped his knees from their hold on the bar holding him up in the air. His right ankle caught the curve of the bar and where the chain connected to it. His fingers curled around Jonghyun's ankle. He wasn't quite sure how he managed it, but none of that mattered as Jonghyun descent was stopped. His ankle jarred painfully against the bar as he took on the added weight of Jonghyun and stopping him from falling to his death. A holler of pain was ripped from his throat.
Jonghyun’s face was covered with his hands, but when he felt the jar of Jinki's hold on his ankle he looked around in bewilderment. When his eyes landed on Jinki a visible breath left him as his emotions began to get the better of him. Jinki flashed a tense smile as he worked on hooking his other ankle on the bar above him for a strong foundation. Jonghyun began to panic even more as Jinki's movements caused him to swing in the air. Jinki cursed under his breath as his foot missed the hold once again. He knew he needed to get his ankle up there if either of them wanted to get out of this alive, but he couldn't do that if Jonghyun was panicking. Blood was pounding in his ears, sweat forming on his skin as pure terror engulfed him, and mind moving a million times a minute trying to figure out a way to at least save Jonghyun. “Baby!" The scared eyes looked up at him and the smile flashed by Jinki did nothing to quench Jonghyun’s fears. “Climb up.” He hoped his voice didn’t sound as shaky and afraid as he felt.
“What?!” Jonghyun gasped, voice distant with the added noise of the scared crowd so far beneath them. His words were fuzzy to Jinki’s ears.
“I can’t hold you much longer. Climb up.” Jinki clenched his teeth as pain ripped through him. His body could only stretch so far and he was getting closer to his breaking point. He figured he probably shouldn’t tell Jonghyun such things, but maybe the reality of the situation would get through the adrenaline and panic. “I won’t make it to when help arrives Baby. I’m slipping. Please.”
“I can’t… I just can’t.” Jonghyun’s voice was high and full of fear. Every small movement a tiny gasp or yelp would fall from Jonghyun's lips. Tears filled his voice as Jinki readjusted his grip on his ankle. “Oh God… please don’t drop me please don’t drop me.”
“I haven’t dropped you yet. I will not start now.” Jinki knew he couldn’t get his foot on the bar without risking losing his grip holding them both up. His hands were beginning to sweat causing his grip to become even more slippery. They didn’t have much time. He couldn't move his other hand to grab Jonghyun without risking his ankle coming from the bar. In time either his hand around Jonghyun or his ankle on the bar would slip away. He had to keep his promise. “Climb up me. Come on Baby. We will be okay. You just have to make it to the bar.” His fingers were slipping and he fought to keep his grip strong. Jonghyun screamed, but it stopped abruptly in his throat as Jinki lifted him slightly. “Look at me Jonghyun.” The smaller man curved his head up almost immediately. “Do not make me lose you. Climb up, please.”
Jonghyun’s chest rose as he took a deep breath. “Alright.” Jinki hooked his left foot behind his knee to create a foothold for the other man. His right foot pushed forward more to curve around the bar and chain as he could. Jonghyun's hands fell from against him to hang below him. They helped him create a little momentum to swing up and catch something higher on Jinki. Just as he was sure that his foot would slip Jonghyun’s fingers curved around his inner thigh. Pain sparked in Jinki’s ankle again as Jonghyun pulled himself up, but soon the weight of the man was gone. When Jinki glanced up he saw Jonghyun standing on the bar, hands curled tight around the chains holding them up, and face full of concern and fear. Jinki easily swung his other foot up to hook around the bar and using his core his hands curled around the white flexible bar a moment later.
After pulling himself up he sat on the bar and Jonghyun lowered himself down onto his lap. He pushed his nose into Jinki’s neck, arms tight around him, and ankles locked behind him. Jinki’s grip was on the bars, but with how tight Jonghyun wrapped his limbs around him he didn’t have to worry about having a hold on him. There was a jerk as people were finally sent out to help them down. Jonghyun screamed a little as his grip tightened when they finally started to twist the gear beneath them to lower their bars. “They’re just bringing us down Jonghyun. That’s all Baby. Just lowering us down.” Jinki could feel the sobs shaking Jonghyun’s small frame, and all he wanted to do was hold him tight and nuzzle his fright and negative feelings away. He pressed a kiss to Jonghyun’s neck, “Shh we are both okay. I will never let you fall.” Once the bar was low enough he could jump down, with a gentle squeeze of Jonghyun’s hips Jinki mumbled. “Come on Baby, let’s go back to our cart.”
Jonghyun slipped from his lap and landed on shaking limbs. His arms wrapped around his middle as his breathing still fluctuated and bottom lip quivered as he tried to keep himself from crying too much. He felt lost in his thoughts until Jinki's yell of pain as he landed from the bar ripped him from them. Jinki stumbled forward, pain obvious on his face, and hands rushing out to stop his fall. Jonghyun rushed to help him stand up, concern mixing with worry and fear as he lifted most of Jinki’s weight from the floor. “What happened?”
With a hiss Jinki replied, “My ankle, I think I pulled something taking all our weight.” He lifted his leg a little to keep as much weight from his right leg as he could manage. It wasn’t much.
After hooking his left arm around Jinki and under his arm Jonghyun pressed close. “We just got to make it backstage. They can’t look at you in front of all these people.” Hiccups still interrupted his speech and breathing every now and again. If Jinki wasn’t in so much pain and the situation as serious as it was, he probably would have laughed and found it cute. As soon as they passed the open curtain they found a wooden pole and Jinki slid down to the ground to lean against it. When the medics rushed to Jinki from his place on the ground just outside the Big Top his eyes and attention weren’t on them or their actions, but on the man visibly shaking straight behind them.
Jinki knew what he felt. Fear of falling and of his grip having slipped. Panic when Jonghyun’s hand hadn’t caught his own up in the air like it always had before. Relief and pure love the moment Jonghyun was in his lap clinging to him as tight as he had. He knew what he felt, but he hadn’t been the one hanging for his life with his life in the hands of another. He hadn’t been the one falling with several moments believing nothing was going to catch him. Jonghyun almost lost his life and all he was doing to comfort him was sitting on the floor waiting. Waiting for the medics to finish whatever they were doing, waiting to be back in their cart, and waiting to have Jonghyun in his arms again.
He grimaced as one of the medics pulled the wrap tight around his ankle. The pain didn’t go away, but it dulled slightly. “Stay off that for as long as you can. It should heal just fine.”
Before he could say thank you, Jonghyun’s small voice said it for him, “Thank you for the treatment.” With a slight head nod and a smile the two medics pushed off the ground, disappearing into the dark night. Jonghyun offered his hands down to Jinki and with a soft smile he hiccuped, “Let’s go.”
It was slow getting back to the car, and even slower than normal to climb into it with a hurt ankle. For once he went in first. Usually he would lift Jonghyun up and follow shortly after. Now he went first with Jonghyun’s hands on his hips from the ground as he climbed the ladder up to the back of the car. Candles were lit around the room. Usually Jinki would have gone around and did so because of how much Jonghyun loved candles light. Tonight however Jonghyun did it. With a smile he returned over to Jinki who was holding himself up by the dresser. Jonghyun helped Jinki out of his performance outfit, pulling his ankle through the hole at the bottom carefully. After they tossed the garment across the room from them Jinki helped him from his and followed suit. The lock on the door slid into place with ease. Jonghyun helped Jinki to the bed before blowing the two candles on the dresser out. It was the stillness of the room and the unusual silence of the train car compared to the rush of excitement of the crowd that caused the adrenaline pumping through their veins to dissipate fully. The knowledge they almost lost each other crashed into them as they laid there so close face to face.
Flashes of their fight just before their performance blinked in their minds. The screaming, the anger, and the pain as a part of their heart cracked. Jinki brought his hands up to cup Jonghyun’s cheeks as he panted out. “God I am so sorry.”
The sob Jonghyun was holding back escaped as he rushed forward the press himself as far into Jinki as he could possibly get. “Don’t leave me.” Fingers curled against skin leaving red marks in their wake, tears flowed from eyes and sobs in a varying of volumes tumbled freely from each of their throats.
----
It was a few hours later that the sounds of the train being loaded stilled, and there was a gentle knock on the door that lead from their cart to the hallway just outside that connected the owners cart before them and the acrobats’ cart behind them. Jinki moved to get up and answer it, but Jonghyun’s slightly shaking hand pushed him back down onto the mattress by a hold on his chest. “Doc's orders. Rest.”
Reluctantly he relaxed against the pillows as Jonghyun shuffled to the door. Jinki saw him grab a sheet from the chair on the way to wrap around himself before the door was unlocked and slid open. He couldn't see much through the narrow space between Jonghyun and the wall, but he knew whoever it was wasn't very big. A high voice caught his ears, “I have been sent to learn of your partner's condition. The owner would like to know. Also to inform you the train is about to start moving.”
Jonghyun turned slightly to look over his shoulder at Jinki, before his attention was returned to the person in front of him. “Tell Mr. Smith my partner needs at least 3 weeks rest for his ankle to heal. And thank you.” The door was slid shut again with a soft clank, and they could hear the retreating small footsteps as the person went to deliver the message.
“We both know that the medics never said any such thing.” Jinki softly mumbled as Jonghyun walked toward the small basket of fruit on the dresser.
“They said for you to be off of it as much as you can. I was being considerate giving Mr. Smith a time limit on your time off.” Jonghyun punctuated his words with sinking his teeth into a small apple he had picked up. A fond smile curved on Jinki’s face as he looked at the soft glow of the candles on Jonghyun’s face. “What?”
“You’re beautiful.” Jinki’s voice was soft and warm. “Our lives together is everything I could ask for. I am sorry for saying those awful things.”
“I understand why you said them. I said some equally horrific things. My head was not in the performance where it should have been. It was on the idea of not having you here with me when the train left tonight. I thought..” Jonghyun sighed slowly before looking up again. “My thoughts being on losing you almost made you lose me… Losing us for good and I am sorry.”
Jinki flashed a small smile, “I was not a very good base not catching you.”
“But you did.” Jonghyun crawled up the bed to Jinki, straddling his waist as he pushed a hand through his hair, the other holding the apple. “You caught me Baby. That is all that matters.”
“Still. I want you to know that what I said before it came from a place of bottled up emotion. I do focus a lot on you, but that is only because I love you. I love you so much Jonghyun. The way I feel about giving you children.. It comes from a very deep.. Feeling of mine that I’ve had to deal with my entire life.”
Jonghyun shifted a little both physically and emotionally. “What do you mean?”
“You know I’ve never been good with words, at least not verbally.” He gave Jonghyun’s hips a squeeze. “Under the bed, behind the board is the locked box my father gave to us that night we left. Mind getting it for me Baby?”
With a raised eyebrow Jonghyun passed the apple to him half eaten a and slipped from his lap. He got onto his knees to do as he was asked. After a moment and a few wiggles he was pushing off the floor holding the worn down wooden box. Jinki reached behind the dresser and when he opened his hand a small once golden key laid in his palm. He jiggled it into the lock, and with sure hands opened it. Inside were neatly organized envelopes. Hundreds upon hundreds. Jonghyun wasn’t sure if he could even count that high. “Jinki.. What are these?” He lifted his head to see Jinki sinking his teeth into the other half of the apple.
With a soft smile Jinki ran his fingertips over the top of them. His eyes slowly raised to lock with Jonghyun’s as he explained after swallowing, “A letter a day for the last 5 or so years. There’s easily 2 thousand letters in here. Some are doubled up for room but-”
“Who are they for?”
“Why you of course.” Jinki flipped through them for a moment before pulling one from the bottom. “I write them in the early morning when you are still asleep. It was a way for me to get things off my chest without weighing your already overactive worries Baby.” He passed the thick envelope to his lover. “Start there. My feelings haven’t changed much in the last 3 years.”
Jonghyun ran his tongue over his lips before flipping the envelope over and pulling it open. He gave Jinki a glance before the letter was taken out and unfolded.
Dear Jonghyun,
It’s hard for me to write this knowing you have no idea I’ve been writing them for years now. You’re still sleeping right behind me in our bed, beautiful as ever with your hair cascaded over the pillows. It’s times like these early mornings that my love for you hits me like a train. The soft light, the warmth of the room, the way your nose scrunches and the sounds you make when you start to notice I’m no longer in the bed with you. Yesterday we got a letter from my father telling me about things. It hurt seeing you cry knowing your mother and sister were doing okay without you. It hurt knowing I could have prevented you ever needing to runaway. If only I had done something to prevent that night from happening. I know you carry around the guilt of that night, I know that you still have nightmares you never want to tell me about, but all I’ve ever wanted to do from the moment I met you on the river bank was to protect you. I had heard the screaming from your house when I would play in the fields behind the barn. I would see your mother and sister out in town while I was with one of my parents and I’d always be turned away from seeing their bruises slipping out from under their dresses.
I feel like a failure most days. A failure for not giving you a better life. A failure for not giving you the family you deserve. I want to show you that you are not a bit like your father, but I am not equipped with the right parts to give you that. You may think my feelings of being a failure are misguided, and that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but it’s hard for me to see you with children and know you’re giving up so much to be with me. I am not worth it. I am not worth giving up children I know you’ve wanted for a while, but never had the heart to say so because you felt like you’d become like your father as soon as you felt that little one in your arms. I look in mirrors and at my reflection in the surface of the water and I wonder what you see in me that made you give up a normal life for me. What do you see in my worthless existence to bless me with your heart? What is it about me that you see Jonghyun?
I look at you and I see this warmth that had the strength to survive the household you grew up in. I see this big heart and these loving eyes. You have the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. Even though all He ever tried to do was crush it. You’ve given me your heart and trust that I know you guard with everything in you. You’ve opened up to me and given me everything you could give me, but I cannot do the same. There are times after I write these letters and they are stored away that I lay with you and just look at you sleeping. You are so at peace and so beautiful. I think about a life where I never met you that evening. Would you be better off never having me in your life? Would you be married with children right now? Or would you never have had the courage to do what you did that night we had to run? Is it right for me to be selfish and keep you here wrapped up in my arms when you could be happy, and normal with a nice woman somewhere else? I often wonder if there is a woman out there that you could learn to love. One that makes you laugh so hard you cry, and loves you with as much loyalty and grace as I’ve tried to show you I feel. I am sorry that you had to fall in love with something like me. I corrupted you. How can I look at you with the raging love that I have for you knowing each touch I put on your body is a scar you have to wear out into the world for everyone to see?<^i>
I don’t know how much more of this I can take Jonghyun. Living my life with that smile directed towards me knowing I’ll never deserve it or you.
Love always,
Jinki
A tear splashed against the messy ink writing as Jonghyun finished reading. His eyes lifted to find the date. November 6th, 1923.He almost couldn’t find his voice as the letter fell into his lap. “You’ve been feeling like .. like you’re this disgrace for 3 years?” Jinki wouldn’t find his gaze. “Jinki Lee dammit to hell look at me.”
“I’ve felt that way ever since the first time someone called me coin slot as I walked with my father. I’ve felt that way ever since those boys beat you up on the way back from the school building when we were 11. I’ve felt that way every time you look at me. I don’t deserve you. I never have.” The apple core was pushed softly onto the nightstand and his fingers wiped on the blanket over his legs.
“Jinki… when I look at you all I see is this strong, loving man. I see those smile lines deepening and vow to myself to never let you stop making them deeper. I see the warm arms and wide chest, the same place I’ll call home any day. I see the man who gave up everything just to stay with me. You didn’t have to leave. You didn’t have to promise me to never leave me. You aren’t a disgrace and never a failure. That night we had to run.. The night I killed my father you couldn’t have changed it. That was my fight to end, not yours.” He lifted his hand to cup Jinki’s cheek. “I need you to realize that all I need in life is you. All I need are those loving eyes and sure hands. I’d love to have children, but they are not what makes a home. Love is. My mother and father had children and that building in the middle of Kansas Plains was not a home. This cart with you and I.. that’s a home. Please please don’t go through these emotions alone.. I.. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost you.”
Jinki’s hands rose to gently wipe away the tears falling from Jonghyun’s eyes. “Please don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me.”
“You don’t see what I see in you.” Jonghyun hiccupped. “That hurts me knowing you don’t see how much you deserve to be loved. That you’ve kept this from me for years. You’re so selfless and lovely. You give.. Have given… everything to make me happy. God Jinki, I wish you could see yourself with my eyes. ”
“Telling you that I hate myself isn’t exactly something you drop into conversation.” Jinki mumbled, “I grew up with a man raising me that didn’t look anything like me. I would go into town and I’d hear the townspeople asking him if I was his servant’s boy. I was beneath him. He tried his hardest to make sure I didn’t think that, but it was pretty easy to realize. Then I met you. Someone who had similar features to my own and a name rooted in my heritage so different than that around me. I thought the way I felt about myself would change with someone like me around, but it stayed. Like a dark cloud over my life. I could forget what I was for a while, but it always came back. Latching it’s dirty claws into me and I could never shake it off.” Jinki’s eyes fell away as his voice lowered. “I’m only here because of your love.”
“What do you mean?”
Jinki’s lips curved up at the corners as he took Jonghyun’s hands. He lifted them to press a soft kiss to the back of one of them. “The winter of our first kiss you came to find me in my room because I hadn’t been to work or down by the river. I was trying to distance myself from you because the claws were digging too deep and I couldn’t shake the dark feeling from my heart no matter how hard I tried. I kept thinking about the night you told me you loved me, the hand holding, and I just knew. I couldn’t handle knowing I would hurt you if I went away, so I figured distancing myself would make the blow somehow lesser. It didn’t work, because you came looking for me. I don’t know what you did that night you came into my room, but it was like just your presence push the darkness away in me. It was the last night I thought about using my father’s loaded pistol.”
“I kissed you the next morning…” Jinki’s eyes were glossy as a silent trail of tears fell from the corner of his eyes. “Oh Baby. We keep fighting each other while I should have been taking up arms to help you fight your demons.”
With a soft kiss Jinki smiled, “You do every time you look at me like I’m more than what I think of myself.”
“You are.” Jonghyun panted out as the letter was tossed on the other side of the bed and the box full of the others was moved from Jinki’s lap. He scrambled up to grab his face and kiss any piece of skin he could reach in a hurry. “You are so so so so much more.”
His nose was pushed into Jinki’s neck as he felt the man wrap his arms tight around him. From then on he would make sure to remind Jinki just how deserving he was to be loved.
-----
The next venue on their setlist was a good 3 days trip from the last show. Most of the passengers hated the time between far show times, but Jonghyun and Jinki loved them. It was a longer period of time they could be locked away from the world. The circus was a place for freaks, but most of the time the most understanding people were also the most judgmental ones. Short rides meant a smaller period of time they could be alone without the watchful eyes following their every move. It didn’t matter who they were as a person individually because their relationship together defined them in the eyes of many of the other train passengers.
The early morning sun was filtering through the couple of small windows on the wall just above their bed. Jonghyun was still asleep in front of him and Jinki was trying very hard not to signal that he was awake just yet. For once he hadn’t gotten up to write Jonghyun a letter. There was a special feeling to being wrapped up with his lover, but at the same time he was feeling alone in his thoughts. Having the only sounds heard being the train moving down the track and Jonghyun’s soft little breaths created space for the voice in his head to be heard louder than it usually was. Memories from the night before and knowing Jonghyun knew what he felt made his heart twist a little. The voice in his head was telling him that he made a mistake telling Jonghyun about his feelings and giving him the box of letters, but Jinki shook off the thought. He knew what he did was the right thing. No more secrets between them would mean growth in their relationship. Maybe it would even stop the fighting over things neither had control over. Maybe he could even learn to love himself even a little bit of how much Jonghyun did.
Jonghyun shifted slightly against him and a smile quirked on Jinki’s lips. There was a little bit of dried drool off the corner of the man’s mouth and chin, his hair was a mess, and his breath smelled horrible, but for some reason the beauty that he held was strongest then. Jinki felt a tug on his heart as Jonghyun turned a little and his face was fully seen. A little noise was heard from his slightly parted lips that Jinki wished he could somehow record to replay over and over again. He laid a kiss to Jonghyun’s bare shoulder and nuzzled against him after shifting down a little. His eyes fluttered close as he took in the scent of him. It was strange how his scent hadn’t changed much from their childhood in Kansas, but he figured when something was good you didn’t attempt to change it at all.
------
The box of letters was sitting open on the floor with a couple envelopes scattered around Jonghyun. He was on his belly with a letter in his hand. The third one he had read since breakfast. Jinki watched from his spot on the bed. Every time he tried to move Jonghyun’s head was snapping up with big eyes. So Jinki got comfy with his ankle up on a pillow. He liked watching Jonghyun anyway. The way his tongue poked out between his lips, the swaying of his feet when his knees were bent, the delicate way he held the letters, and the soft touch he gave them as he looked for another in the box. There was a warm feeling descended over him whenever he saw Jonghyun in his clothes. The shirt loose on his frame then was no different.
Suddenly Jonghyun’s attention was back on him and he was crawling over to the edge of the bed to put his chin on the mattress. He held the letter he was reading up for Jinki and mumbled, “Why didn’t you tell me about this when it happened?” Jinki rose his eyebrow as he took the piece of paper. His eyes scanned his own messy handwriting as the memory formed in his mind.
Dear Jonghyun,
Today I met a little girl outside the tent before the pre show began. I went to get you the cotton candy you wanted from the concession stand and she ran up to me. I was in my performance gear and she just came running to me all smiling. She told me she really really loved our stuff when she saw it the day before and that she thought I was pretty. She was such a sweet little thing. All smiley and bouncing as I knelt to talk to her better. She asked me to marry her the silly little thing, and I was too much of a softie to tell her no, so I accepted and told her I’d buy the rings. We were in line to buy the candy pop ones when her mother came to find her.
Do you remember the first time I held your hand in public and the looks of disgust we got? The look in this woman’s eyes was that multiplied by a thousand. She looked like she wanted to skin me alive just for being in the same state as her daughter let alone talk to her and let her hold my fingers. The things she yelled at me, the names she spewed… I have never felt as low and dirty as I did then. The girl looked at me with such sad little eyes. Eyes that just a moment before looked at me with so much awe and happiness. How could someone take that away from their child just because they saw how I had my arm around my partner’s waist? She called me a disgrace of humanity, a lowlife spec that didn’t deserve to be considered human, all because my hand was on your lower back as we walked backstage. How could our love cause so much hatred Jonghyun?
Love as always,
Jinki
“I didn’t want to worry you.” Jinki softly said as the letter was placed on his lap. He pushed his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair to move it out of his eyes with a smile. “You were really happy when I brought you that cotton candy and I think I was a little selfish by not telling you. Your smile helped take the feeling of worthlessness from my mind and body.”
“Well you be as selfish as you want. If it’s my smile you need you can have it. You’re the reason I do every day.”
“If you keep this up I’ll have a puddle of sap as a lover.”
Jonghyun hummed, “I have to remind you how lovely you are every chance I get. It seems someone always forgets to remember that.”
“Go read or something.” Jinki grumbled. His knuckles were gently kissed before Jonghyun returned to the floor with the letter. There was a lightness in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a while. It was a good feeling.
------
Two weeks later, 1926,
The sun was bright above them. It's warm glow cascading such a beautiful light across Jonghyun’s face. From his spot against the train car Jinki could swear there was a radiating glow around the man. His heart was warm and big feeling in his chest as he gazed at him. Jonghyun looked up from the costume he was helping to sow and a slow smile curved on his lips when he noticed Jinki looking at him.
Their lives were full of darkness. A type of darkness that seeped deep into their bones and worked to corrupt that them from the inside out. Jinki often thought about the time the darkness almost succeeded with him, but he realized looking at Jonghyun the darkness never had a chance.
He slowly limped over on his still sore ankle to softly lay his hands on Jonghyun shoulders. The man looked up at him all in love. “Hey you.”
Jinki pressed a kiss to his lips and leaned down to hug his head. “I love you sunshine.”
The nickname was new, but it seemed to fit Jonghyun more than any other one.
Return to Part Two
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun
Rating: Nc-17
Genre: Angst
Warnings: internalized homophobia, self hatred, abuse, brief racial slurs, two mentions of suicidal thoughts/plan and brief mention of violence
Final Word Count: 27,177
Adrenaline drained out of him as he staggered away from his father's now unmoving body. His hands were shaking, breathing elevated and heart pounding hard in his chest as blood rushed passed his ears. He heard his mother ordering his sister to grab something for him, but he was staring at the blood pooling from his father's head to even come close to comprehending anything around him. His mother stepping between him and his father snapped him out of his daze. She cupped his cheek with a soft smile. “My sweet baby boy.” Sodam rushed back in and handed their mother a wet cloth, and it was used to gently wipe away the blood on Jonghyun's face. “You need to leave Baby. Go to Jinki's. They'll help you while we clean up.”
“Ma-”
“No.” She pushed his hair behind his ear with a smile. “If anyone comes looking for him we will say he abandoned us. Go.”
He swallowed thickly before nodding. “Okay… Okay.” She helped tug him from the floor before he rushed to pack whatever he could into the duffle bag he had under his bed in a rush. The few clothes he had, the extra pair of shoes, the money box he kept between the wall and the mattress, and just as he was about to zip up the bag he caught sight of the tiny glass bottle glistening on the shaggy rug on the floor. After a moment of second guessing bringing it he bent down to scoop it up. The bag was closed quickly and he shouldered it before heading out to the living room. His father's body was covered with a blanket and he swallowed as he averted his eyes away from it. His mother approached with two brown paper wrapped bundles. One was smaller than the other and when he opened it green bills caught the light. “Ma I can't.”
“Take it. Please.” She pushed up to kiss his cheek. “You and Sodam were all I had. Go be happy.”
“Ma?” Jonghyun’s voice was vulnerable and weak. His confusion obvious on his face as his mother pushed the two bundles into the bag that was over his shoulder.
She smiled as if she knew something he didn't. She took his hand and squeezed it firmly. “You didn’t believe I didn’t know about Jinki and you did you?”
“You know?” He gasped as fear trickled into his mess of emotions. He couldn’t take his always loving mother looking at him with disgust because she knew about his feelings for another man.
“I have for a while. He treats you well. That’s all that I care about son. Now go.” She kissed his cheek, Sodam came to hug him tightly, and they both pushed him out the door with a called out I love you. He was still shaking as he made the trek across the long distance between their homes. The bag was heavy on his back, but he was sure it was what he was leaving behind and not the actual contents.
The moon was beginning to rise above him, stars twinkling in the darkening sky as his footsteps caused the long grass to flatten, and his breathing hitching as tears fell from his eyes. The lights in Jinki’s house became brighter as he got closer. He could hear soft laughter coming from the house as he stepped onto the porch. His knuckles raked against the thick wood of the front door. The laughter stopped and footsteps approached. In the middle of his complete windstorm of emotions he felt guilty for stopping their happiness. The door was swung open and Jinki’s smiling face appeared. His happiness visibly shifted on his features as he took in the sight of his lover and best friend. “Jonghyun… what..”
“I… my father…” Jinki rushed forward to curl his fingers around Jonghyun’s upper arms.
“Jonghyun did he hurt you? Is your Sister and Mother okay?”
Before Jonghyun could answer Jinki felt a hand on his shoulder and heard his father’s voice, “Step away son. Let him in. I have a feeling this is a conversation you don’t have on the doorstep. Soo, put on some tea. We’ll need it.”
-----
The teapot was whistling from the stove and Jinki’s mother rushed for it. Jonghyun was sitting on the old sofa next to his friend. He was trying his hardest not to give in to his urge to fall towards Jinki because his parents didn’t know about them. Jinki was looking at him constantly though completely ignoring the fact his father was in the room. He could tell Jonghyun was really shaken about whatever happened, but he couldn’t stop crying long enough to form a coherent sentence. The red splattered on his clothes gave Jinki a sinking feeling in his heart. A thought bubbled up that no one would have to deal with Jonghyun’s father ever again.
Once the tea was brought out Jinki held the cup for Jonghyun. The poor man’s hands were shaking so badly all the hot tea would have fallen onto his lap before the cup even reached his lips. “Breathe.” He whispered as he brought the tiny teacup up to Jonghyun’s mouth. The cup was put on the table in front of them once a little was swallowed. As Jinki sat back Jonghyun’s will crumbled and his head was against his boyfriend’s shoulder a moment later. “What happened Jonghyunie?”
“My father h-h-he’s gone.” He sniffled hard as his hands began to shake harder. Jinki curled his own over them to try and calm him a little.
“Gone, what do you mean son?” Jinki’s father asked softly.
“He was a-a-ttacking my mother again.” His eyes were squeezed shut as he took a deep breath. They snapped open again as he said, “So he’s gone.”
Understanding flashed over his father’s features so quickly that it made Jinki feel uneasy. “Is your mother and sister okay?”
“They said they’d,” A hiccup interrupted his speech, but he quickly recovered, “ clean up. They sent me here.”
With a smile the man of the house stood up and took Jonghyun’s hand from his son’s. “And they did the right thing.” He turned to Jinki and his expression turned serious. “Clean him up. Pack a bag. I’ll return shortly from helping them.”
“Pack a bag I don’t-” Then it dawned on him and he swallowed thickly. “Yes Father.”
The front door clattered against the frame and his mother left the room. Jinki picked the teacup back up and held it out to Jonghyun. “What did he mean Jinki?”
“He means we won’t be returning home anytime soon.” He moved the cup closer to Jonghyun’s lips. “Drink this and try to calm down. We have a long night ahead of us.”
Jonghyun looked over the rim of the held out tiny teacup and sucked a quick breath in. “ Don’t leave me.”
“I’d never do any such thing.” He sounded so sure, so loving and strong, and Jonghyun found himself almost drowning in the warmth of his voice. Almost.
“I killed my father.” He gasped out, breathing returning to hyperventilating slowly.
“That doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Jonghyun’s heart calmed a little when Jinki smiled lovingly at him. “I’m your safe place. Let me keep you safe now. Drink.”
The cooling down liquid was slowly drunk and the cup returned to the kitchen. Jinki’s hand was warm and sure around Jonghyun’s cool, trembling ones as he was led back to the older man’s bedroom.
----
Jonghyun’s arms were wrapped around his body, coat tight around him, and his chin was laid against his chest. Jinki’s eyes kept drifting to him from where he was helping his father saddle Sadie. “Son.” Shocked out of his thoughts Jinki’s head snapped back to his father. “Are you listening to me?”
“Yes sorry father.”
“Jonghyun’s mother told you to take Sadie and sell her in the next town over. That along with the money you have you should be able to get two train tickets to the east coast to find work there. The money will last you a couple months,” The man stopped pulling the saddle tight and sighed as he turned toward his son. He gripped Jinki’s shoulders with a sad smile on his face. “You know I love you right?”
“Of course,” Jinki softly replied. “I love you too.”
“I will never be your birth father Jinki, but I tried to make sure you knew you were loved and cared for. We didn’t have much, but we had love. Make sure that boy over there get’s the love his father never showed him. Protect each other. Like you always have.”
“I will.” His voice was slowly becoming thicker, and it was getting harder to push down his emotions. “You’ll always be my Father. Always.”
The smile on the man’s face was warm and happy as he cupped Jinki’s face. “And you’ll always be my Son.”
Jinki softly kissed his mother and his heart broke at her tears. “Be good my son.” She whispered against his neck as he held her. She gave Jonghyun a kiss on the cheek and a warm smile. After climbing up onto the horse the only way Jonghyun knew Jinki was crying were the little droplets of water falling on his hand that was on his stomach.
When they hit the bridge Jinki looked back once more at his parents, their figures faint in the dark distance, and with one last deep breath he turned away for the last time. He touched Jonghyun’s clasped hands on his stomach with his left hand and kicked Sadie’s side. She shot off into the night away from her riders entire lives.
-----
It was a 3 hour ride to the town over. Jinki knew his father wanted them to get on the train as soon as they could, but as he brought the horse to a stop he had a feeling in his stomach that what Jonghyun needed right now was a bed. He patted the boy’s hands and softly said, “Just a little while longer.” Jonghyun pressed closer to him without a word. Jinki moved his hands from his middle when they arrived at the small inn and slipped from the saddle. He touched Jonghyun’s thigh with one hand as he handed the reins with his other. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” He pulled a little cash from one of the saddle bags and jogged up into the inn.
Jonghyun ran his fingers over the horse’s neck to busy himself. He didn’t want to have to sell her. She was such a beautiful horse. His father often mistreated her when riding, but she never showed any menace because of it. Thoughts of his father made it hard to swallow. Jinki coming back out with a tall man. “What’s he for?”
“He heard me talking to the innkeeper about selling Sadie and made an offer.” Jinki replied as he held his hand up to help Jonghyun of the horse. Once he was on the ground he was asked, “Is that okay?”
With a flashed smile Jonghyun mumbled, “Yeah.. yeah that’s fine.” Then after a moment he asked, “Can I say goodbye?”
“Of course.” As Jinki turned to take their items from the saddle bags Jonghyun moved around to the front of the horse.
There was a soft smile on his face as Sadie whinnied and moved to nibble on his hair. “No, No girl don’t do that.” He ran his hands over her gently, “Thank you for being such a good horse Sadie, but you’ll be going with his nice looking man okay. Be good.”
Jinki returned to his side with a warm smile and a soft touch of his hand. His shoulders were carrying their bags and the wooden box given to them by his father was held against his side. “You ready to go? We have a room for the night.”
“Yeah.. yeah.” He looked over his shoulder right before they entered the inn to see the man leading Sadie away toward the stables. Tonight was full of loss. He was starting to get tired of it. Once they were handed their key he headed up the stairs, Jinki following close behind him. As soon as he was in the bed the rest of his emotions crashed into him. Jinki was in the middle of slipping off his shoes when he heard the first sob wrack Jonghyun’s frame, and he was quick to rush over and bring the man’s head into his chest.
“Come on Love, let’s get under the covers.” Jinki suggested with a gentle, warm voice. Jonghyun moved slowly, limbs weighed down with sorrow. Once wrapped up in the warmth of the bed and Jinki’s arms Jonghyun started speaking incoherent words. Jinki didn’t try to stop him or try to understand. Somewhere in him he somehow knew the words were meant for Jonghyun only. They didn’t need to be understood by anyone but him.
-----
In the morning Jinki kissed Jonghyun’s forehead and whispered, “I’ll be right back Love. Just rest.”
Jonghyun watched him leave with half opened eyes before tugging the pillow the man had been using closer to his chest. He felt exhausted down deep into his bones. His tummy also was rumbling, but he didn’t want to touch the food until Jinki was there with him. The man came back some time later with a paper in his hand. Jinki kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed. Jonghyun wiggled closer to lay on his chest almost immediately. “Where’d you go?”
“Down to the train station.” Jinki softly explained. He showed the paper to him, “The best price I could get is still so expensive.”
“You don’t have to come with me.” Jonghyun mumbled,
Jinki’s lips were pressed against Jonghyun’s forehead as he tugged him closer. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”
-----
They ate a quick breakfast after washing up and worked to condense their bags as much as they could. The money besides as much as they would need for the train tickets was put in the locked box and put at the bottom of their bag. They returned the room key and headed out toward the station soon after. They bought connecting tickets to New york and boarded the train soon after. Jonghyun wanted the window seat and Jinki liked having the aisle seat. Deep down it felt as he was a barrier protecting Jonghyun. His hand was warm in the other’s hand.
-----
By the time the train pulled into New York Jonghyun seemed to be better than before. Jinki could still see the slight tremor in his hand when he reached for something and had to hold him during the night for him to sleep as the memory of the night flashed in his mind through his dreams, but he was smiling a little more and didn’t look so run down. As soon as they stepped off the train they could tell they weren’t in kansas anymore. There were so many people bustling around. Jonghyun was close to his back, eyes wide in shock. Neither really knew where to begin, but they chose left and made their way to the street outside the train station.
They found a cheap inn and bought a couple nights in advance. They spent one night there tonight before setting off in the morning to find work. They thought it would take at tops a week to find work, but they soon found out it wasn’t that easy. They rented a very small apartment on the outskirts of the city and for two months they went out looking for work only to be turned away. Jonghyun always tried to smile and look at the brighter side of things, but Jinki knew just under the surface it was because of the color of their skin.
Jinki was walking from the store on the corner from their apartment with apples in the bag when he saw the flyer for the circus. He ripped the paper from the wooden pole and shoved it in his pocket. He figured with all the hardship lately Jonghyun and him could use the distraction. The money they were given from their parents was slowly beginning to dwindle. They were trying their hardest to make it stretch as far as they could, but it was hard to support two people without work.
Jonghyun was reading the one book they had brought with them from Kansas on the thin mattress against the wall. A big smile bloomed on his face when he heard the door jingle open. “Baby!”
With a soft smile Jinki leaned down to press a kiss to Jonghyun’s lips and one apple was rolled down the book to hit where the mattress touched his chest. “Good afternoon Love.”
“Any luck?”
With a sigh Jinki plopped down next to him on the mattress. “Not a single nibble.”
Jonghyun leaned his head against Jinki’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Baby.”
After laying his head against Jonghyun’s Jinki sighed again, “It’s okay.” He wiggled to pull the paper from his pocket. “But I found this and thought you’d enjoy it.” With a raised eyebrow Jonghyun unfolded the paper. A soft gasp left his lips as he looked back up at Jinki. “I know how much you’ve always wanted to go.”
The smaller man’s face fell as did his hands holding the paper. “But we can’t go.”
He pressed a kiss to Jonghyun’s cheek. “I’m taking you there. Call it a date.”
“Oh Jinki.” He nudged him with his shoulder before leaning his head against Jinki’s. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
-----
That weekend they stood in line with their tickets waiting for the big curtains to be opened. Jonghyun was looking forward to the animals, and Jinki would probably be staring at the other man far too much to pay attention. Soon they were walking through the Big top and finding seats. Jonghyun was vibrating next to him on the wooden bench as the music began to play and a single figure appeared in the middle of the tent.
“Ladies and Gents, children of all ages. I am Mr. Paul Smith, and I'd like to welcome you to the greatest show on Earth. I hope you enjoy the manificiant acts prepared for you tonight.”
The crowd erupted in applause as the man bowed and exited the ring. The music changed and the curtains opened as the like of acts walked through them. The two elephants the circus had, clowns, the acrobats twirling in the air in the center and even the contortionist was twisting under the acrobats. The light in Jonghyun’s eyes was the brightest Jinki has seen in months.
At the end of the circus Jonghyun was walking next to him really wanting to hold hands, but with people around he kept his touch to himself. They followed where the majority of the crowd led them. It was then they overhead voices through the canvas to the right of them. “If you can't clean up after the animals in the allotted time I'll get someone else to do it.”
“Mr. Smith sir, three people have jumped train from my crew this last section of track. There's only one other person helping me.”
“Then I'd find someone else to come with us soon before you're out of a job.” The voices stopped after that and Jonghyun and Jinki shared a look.
“But live on the tracks?” Jonghyun mumbled quietly.
“It's a job.” Jinki pointed out, but then his hand was pushed through his hair and a sigh blew past his lips. “And it's never permanent.”
Jonghyun chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before his head nodded slowly. “Let's go talk to him.”
They found out the man was an older gentleman when they walked around the canvas. He stabbed his shovel into the ground and leaned onto it. “What’re you two doing back here?! This is for crew only.”
Jinki swallowed thickly before speaking. “Well that's the reason we're here. To ask about employment.”
The man's eyebrow lifted, “You both are here wanting to work on the track?”
“It's work. With pay.” Jonghyun commented quietly from behind Jinki.
They were looked over before the man clicked his tongue and pointed to Jinki. “You I'll take on my crew. I'll find somewhere else for your friend. Come back tomorrow with your things, if you have any. I'll get you settled in before we head off tomorrow night for the next gig.”
Jinki flashed a big smile and shook the man's held out hand. “Thank you.”
Maybe things were looking up.
-------
They packed their things into the two bags they had as best they could and headed to the circus tent they had talked to the man the day before. They were asked if they wanted separate beds, but they shook their heads. One bunk was enough for them. The cot they were given was barely big enough for one man, but they'd manage.
Jonghyun was found a job helping food storage on the train. They didn't have to work when the train was in motion, and they'd get paid just under a dollar an hour when they did work. With little time to actually spend their wages they hoped saving up money would be easier.
They were left alone to get the feel for things after that. They had to share the cart with 3 other people, but there were curtains to slide to have some type of privacy. It wasn't home, but it would do. They had each other. That's all that mattered.
-----
At the next stop Jinki found his boss after kissing Jonghyun goodbye behind their curtain. Their neighbors weren't very friendly they soon found out, but they understood. They were newcomers. Intruders.
When Jinki returned to their cot he was dirty and smelled of the animals. He flashed a big smile when he saw Jonghyun sitting in the cot when he stepped into the cart. The smaller man's face scrunched up at his boyfriend’s stench. “You need a bath.”
“Good thing we have free time until the end of the show. There's a lake on the other side of the tracks.”
Jonghyun waved his hands from him when Jinki tried to get closer. “Stay over there smelly.”
Their curtain was pulled close and Jonghyun followed Jinki shortly. He only let the man kiss him after he was tossed in the water.
-------
Late Fall, 1920
With the summer season over the circus was off until opening day in the middle of Spring the next year. The train was parked on a track near a decent sized down and the crew were allowed to go out and spend their wages they earned during the season. The Big Top was up to hour the animals so they weren't on the train boiling. Most of the crew were scattered in town, but Jinki and Jonghyun were enjoying the quiet alone. They were walking through the animals holding hands. It was then the bars from the trapeze caught their attention.
Jinki smiled as he lifted himself up onto the low hanging bar. “It's like the rafters in the barn.”
Jonghyun was smiling even with his worry, “You're gonna get yourself killed playing on that silly.”
In response Jinki fell back to hang by the back of his knees. He looked back at Jonghyun with a big goofy smile, “You're still as boring as ever.”
“I know.” Jinki held out his hands and Jonghyun shook his head. “I'm not letting you get me into trouble.”
Jinki pouted as he wiggled his fingers, “Come on, just a little twist. It'll be fun!”
Against his better judgement Jonghyun went and gave him his hands after sitting on the ground. Jinki lifted him pretty easily and gave them a twist after moving his body. Jonghyun wanted to scream.Their fun was shattered when a voice cut through their giggles. “What are you two doing?”
Jinki struggled to get off quickly and stumbled a little after Jonghyun was already standing up. Standing before them was Mr. Smith. He fumbled over his words to explain himself. “We were messing around. I'm sorry Sir.”
Mr. Smith ran his tongue over his lips. “I happen to need a trapeze act for the next season. If you and your… partner can show me an act that's safe and we'll done it's yours. Raise included. Unless you like shoveling shit and carrying boxes of food.”
When Jonghyun looked back at Jinki the man was already looking at him. There was an unspoken understanding and Jonghyun quickly replied, “We'll do our best.”
Mr. Smith bowed his head and began to walk away. As he was near the entrance he looked over his shoulder. “Next time, try to not play with my equipment so carelessly.”
“Of course sir.”
----
Spring, 1921
Jinki’s hands were sweating and Jonghyun felt as if he had butterflies in his stomach as they waited behind the curtain leading into the bigtop. Their new outfits were tight against their frame. “You ready?” Jinki softly asked as he stepped behind Jonghyun.
They had practiced all fall and winter, through the freezing temperatures and the mishaps, to work on a routine. They soon found out they had a talent for it. Jonghyun’s fears were hard to overcome, but the way Jinki looked at him and reassured him helped them dwindle. Now it was their first performance and those fears were roaring back. “No.”
With a chuckle Jinki kissed his neck. “I won't let you fall.”
“Promise?”
“Always. I promise.”
Jinki kept his promise. Jonghyun found his fears had no place as soon as they got the standing ovation of the crowd when their act was finished.
----
Fall, 1923
As their popularity grew the more money they tried to save. Mr. Smith offered them a cot in the acrobats car, but they had grown used to their small cot and refused. When the train happened upon a bankrupt circus many things were bought. Animals, some performers were hired and Jinki and Jonghyun approached Mr. Smith about buying their own train car. He laughed at their request, but given their popularity he was more willing to hear them out.
“We have the money for it. We just need your permission to put it on your train.” Jonghyun softly explained.
After a moment the boss sighed. “Very well. As long as there's a way to move through it without bothering you, it's fine.”
They had never been more happy to have given up all the luxuries they had during their break than when they final bolt was in place and their cart was on the track.
----
1926
Jinki’s fingers were pushing into Jonghyun’s shoulders when the little girl came squealing around the corner. He watched as Jonghyun bloomed seeing the small child. He pulled away from the strong hands massaging the kinks of his muscles to kneel down with his arms open. The little girl was scooped up and Jonghyun looked so completely happy holding her on his hip. “What are you doing this far away from your mommy?”
“I wanted to see your stuff close up. Daddy said I could.” Jonghyun smiled even wider.
“Well we have some time so you want to wait with me Marilyn?”
“Yeah!” She squealed once again, gripping his outfit, and laying her head on his shoulder. His eyes lifted to try and find Jinki, but he wasn’t where he left him. He glanced around the dimly lit area for him, and found him leaning against a thick wooden stake closer to the Big Top’s opening leading directly back stage. His arms were across his chest, eyes down at the floor, and emotional turmoil all over his face. He never was able to mask his feelings very well from Jonghyun.
With a frown Jonghyun set the girl down. “I will be right back. Stay right here, okay Sweetie?” Jinki lifted his head when he heard someone approach. “Baby what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” His gaze turned to look through the small opening of the tent. A elephant rider was having trouble rolling on her stockings.
Jonghyun crossed his arms and snorted. “16 years knowing you. Tell me again what’s wrong and don’t lie to me again.”
Jinki glared at him and with a growl he asked, “I can’t even feel guilty without you needing to know what is happening?”
“Guilty? Why would you be feeling guilty?” Jinki made a noise as he turned his head away from Jonghyun. “Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you.”
“Why?” Jinki’s eyes were heated as his head whipped back around. “So you can tell me I have no reason to be guilty? So you can tell me to stop feeling what I’m feeling?”
“I’m your lover!” Jonghyun hissed. “I deserve to be able to be concerned!”
“There’s a difference between being concerned and just being so God damn nosey.” Jinki growled deep in his throat as he pushed his fingers in his hair before his head thunked against the wood behind him. “I see how happy you are around children. I see how you just blossom when they are near you and it makes me feel horrible inside because I can’t give you the family you want.”
“Oh not this again.” Jonghyun groaned. “I don’t expect you to give me children!”
“That doesn’t change how I feel!” Jinki yelled. The music and the sounds of the elephants during their performance in the Big Top covered up his voice. “If I hadn’t been here, if you hadn’t fell in love with me, you’d have the family you deserve. You’d have that little one I know you want. You’d have that cute house with the dog in the back. You wouldn’t be living on a train full of freaks that see us as the freaks because you love a man. Dammit Jonghyun. All I want for you is to be happy and I keep failing at giving you what I know will. I can’t prove to you that you aren’t you father without giving you a child.”
“You can’t make me feel bad for wanting children Jinki!” Jonghyun screamed, anger fully developing inside of him. “If you feel this way than just go! Leave me. That’s what you want isn’t? You keep bringing this up like get over it already. If you love me be with me. Don’t keep thinking about things out of our control. After everything stop feeling bad about something you have no control over and focus on me.”
“I’m always focused on you!” Jinki hissed. “My whole life is focused on you. It always as been. Don’t stand there and tell me what I’m feeling isn’t significant enough. Don’t stand there and tell me to get over it. I never tell you to get over what you’re feeling. What makes my feelings any different?!”
“Because your feelings keep going back to the same stuff!” Jonghyun growled. “You feel guilty, you feel horrible, you feel like you aren’t giving me what I deserve. Yada yada yada. Have you ever thought that going on like this is the reason I’m not happy as you say I should be?”
“Fine. I’m done. I can’t give you what you want, and I’m tired of failing and feeling horrible because of it. Oh and then told how I’m feeling is the reason you aren’t happy. God forbid the world focuses on anything or anyone other than you Jonghyun Kim.” Jinki let out a mocking laugh, “Good news for you though, you’ll have the cart to yourself tonight. I’ll sleep with the horses tonight.”
He pushed off the beam and headed toward the flaps. He disappeared a moment later. Before Jonghyun could think of what to say or to go after him even their act was being called. The realization of what had been said, what he had said, crashed into him. His feet moved him into the middle of the Big Top where Jinki was waiting for him just in front of their two lowly hanging bars. Jinki didn’t smile at him like normal though and it twisted his heart painfully. There was no soft touch of his fingertips against his lower back, no goodluck or soft kiss pressed to his cheek before they stepped out into the light. Nothing, but a cold gaze.
-----
Up in the air…
In a quick blink of an eye and a spike of pure panic Jinki slipped his knees from their hold on the bar holding him up in the air. His right ankle caught the curve of the bar and where the chain connected to it. His fingers curled around Jonghyun's ankle. He wasn't quite sure how he managed it, but none of that mattered as Jonghyun descent was stopped. His ankle jarred painfully against the bar as he took on the added weight of Jonghyun and stopping him from falling to his death. A holler of pain was ripped from his throat.
Jonghyun’s face was covered with his hands, but when he felt the jar of Jinki's hold on his ankle he looked around in bewilderment. When his eyes landed on Jinki a visible breath left him as his emotions began to get the better of him. Jinki flashed a tense smile as he worked on hooking his other ankle on the bar above him for a strong foundation. Jonghyun began to panic even more as Jinki's movements caused him to swing in the air. Jinki cursed under his breath as his foot missed the hold once again. He knew he needed to get his ankle up there if either of them wanted to get out of this alive, but he couldn't do that if Jonghyun was panicking. Blood was pounding in his ears, sweat forming on his skin as pure terror engulfed him, and mind moving a million times a minute trying to figure out a way to at least save Jonghyun. “Baby!" The scared eyes looked up at him and the smile flashed by Jinki did nothing to quench Jonghyun’s fears. “Climb up.” He hoped his voice didn’t sound as shaky and afraid as he felt.
“What?!” Jonghyun gasped, voice distant with the added noise of the scared crowd so far beneath them. His words were fuzzy to Jinki’s ears.
“I can’t hold you much longer. Climb up.” Jinki clenched his teeth as pain ripped through him. His body could only stretch so far and he was getting closer to his breaking point. He figured he probably shouldn’t tell Jonghyun such things, but maybe the reality of the situation would get through the adrenaline and panic. “I won’t make it to when help arrives Baby. I’m slipping. Please.”
“I can’t… I just can’t.” Jonghyun’s voice was high and full of fear. Every small movement a tiny gasp or yelp would fall from Jonghyun's lips. Tears filled his voice as Jinki readjusted his grip on his ankle. “Oh God… please don’t drop me please don’t drop me.”
“I haven’t dropped you yet. I will not start now.” Jinki knew he couldn’t get his foot on the bar without risking losing his grip holding them both up. His hands were beginning to sweat causing his grip to become even more slippery. They didn’t have much time. He couldn't move his other hand to grab Jonghyun without risking his ankle coming from the bar. In time either his hand around Jonghyun or his ankle on the bar would slip away. He had to keep his promise. “Climb up me. Come on Baby. We will be okay. You just have to make it to the bar.” His fingers were slipping and he fought to keep his grip strong. Jonghyun screamed, but it stopped abruptly in his throat as Jinki lifted him slightly. “Look at me Jonghyun.” The smaller man curved his head up almost immediately. “Do not make me lose you. Climb up, please.”
Jonghyun’s chest rose as he took a deep breath. “Alright.” Jinki hooked his left foot behind his knee to create a foothold for the other man. His right foot pushed forward more to curve around the bar and chain as he could. Jonghyun's hands fell from against him to hang below him. They helped him create a little momentum to swing up and catch something higher on Jinki. Just as he was sure that his foot would slip Jonghyun’s fingers curved around his inner thigh. Pain sparked in Jinki’s ankle again as Jonghyun pulled himself up, but soon the weight of the man was gone. When Jinki glanced up he saw Jonghyun standing on the bar, hands curled tight around the chains holding them up, and face full of concern and fear. Jinki easily swung his other foot up to hook around the bar and using his core his hands curled around the white flexible bar a moment later.
After pulling himself up he sat on the bar and Jonghyun lowered himself down onto his lap. He pushed his nose into Jinki’s neck, arms tight around him, and ankles locked behind him. Jinki’s grip was on the bars, but with how tight Jonghyun wrapped his limbs around him he didn’t have to worry about having a hold on him. There was a jerk as people were finally sent out to help them down. Jonghyun screamed a little as his grip tightened when they finally started to twist the gear beneath them to lower their bars. “They’re just bringing us down Jonghyun. That’s all Baby. Just lowering us down.” Jinki could feel the sobs shaking Jonghyun’s small frame, and all he wanted to do was hold him tight and nuzzle his fright and negative feelings away. He pressed a kiss to Jonghyun’s neck, “Shh we are both okay. I will never let you fall.” Once the bar was low enough he could jump down, with a gentle squeeze of Jonghyun’s hips Jinki mumbled. “Come on Baby, let’s go back to our cart.”
Jonghyun slipped from his lap and landed on shaking limbs. His arms wrapped around his middle as his breathing still fluctuated and bottom lip quivered as he tried to keep himself from crying too much. He felt lost in his thoughts until Jinki's yell of pain as he landed from the bar ripped him from them. Jinki stumbled forward, pain obvious on his face, and hands rushing out to stop his fall. Jonghyun rushed to help him stand up, concern mixing with worry and fear as he lifted most of Jinki’s weight from the floor. “What happened?”
With a hiss Jinki replied, “My ankle, I think I pulled something taking all our weight.” He lifted his leg a little to keep as much weight from his right leg as he could manage. It wasn’t much.
After hooking his left arm around Jinki and under his arm Jonghyun pressed close. “We just got to make it backstage. They can’t look at you in front of all these people.” Hiccups still interrupted his speech and breathing every now and again. If Jinki wasn’t in so much pain and the situation as serious as it was, he probably would have laughed and found it cute. As soon as they passed the open curtain they found a wooden pole and Jinki slid down to the ground to lean against it. When the medics rushed to Jinki from his place on the ground just outside the Big Top his eyes and attention weren’t on them or their actions, but on the man visibly shaking straight behind them.
Jinki knew what he felt. Fear of falling and of his grip having slipped. Panic when Jonghyun’s hand hadn’t caught his own up in the air like it always had before. Relief and pure love the moment Jonghyun was in his lap clinging to him as tight as he had. He knew what he felt, but he hadn’t been the one hanging for his life with his life in the hands of another. He hadn’t been the one falling with several moments believing nothing was going to catch him. Jonghyun almost lost his life and all he was doing to comfort him was sitting on the floor waiting. Waiting for the medics to finish whatever they were doing, waiting to be back in their cart, and waiting to have Jonghyun in his arms again.
He grimaced as one of the medics pulled the wrap tight around his ankle. The pain didn’t go away, but it dulled slightly. “Stay off that for as long as you can. It should heal just fine.”
Before he could say thank you, Jonghyun’s small voice said it for him, “Thank you for the treatment.” With a slight head nod and a smile the two medics pushed off the ground, disappearing into the dark night. Jonghyun offered his hands down to Jinki and with a soft smile he hiccuped, “Let’s go.”
It was slow getting back to the car, and even slower than normal to climb into it with a hurt ankle. For once he went in first. Usually he would lift Jonghyun up and follow shortly after. Now he went first with Jonghyun’s hands on his hips from the ground as he climbed the ladder up to the back of the car. Candles were lit around the room. Usually Jinki would have gone around and did so because of how much Jonghyun loved candles light. Tonight however Jonghyun did it. With a smile he returned over to Jinki who was holding himself up by the dresser. Jonghyun helped Jinki out of his performance outfit, pulling his ankle through the hole at the bottom carefully. After they tossed the garment across the room from them Jinki helped him from his and followed suit. The lock on the door slid into place with ease. Jonghyun helped Jinki to the bed before blowing the two candles on the dresser out. It was the stillness of the room and the unusual silence of the train car compared to the rush of excitement of the crowd that caused the adrenaline pumping through their veins to dissipate fully. The knowledge they almost lost each other crashed into them as they laid there so close face to face.
Flashes of their fight just before their performance blinked in their minds. The screaming, the anger, and the pain as a part of their heart cracked. Jinki brought his hands up to cup Jonghyun’s cheeks as he panted out. “God I am so sorry.”
The sob Jonghyun was holding back escaped as he rushed forward the press himself as far into Jinki as he could possibly get. “Don’t leave me.” Fingers curled against skin leaving red marks in their wake, tears flowed from eyes and sobs in a varying of volumes tumbled freely from each of their throats.
----
It was a few hours later that the sounds of the train being loaded stilled, and there was a gentle knock on the door that lead from their cart to the hallway just outside that connected the owners cart before them and the acrobats’ cart behind them. Jinki moved to get up and answer it, but Jonghyun’s slightly shaking hand pushed him back down onto the mattress by a hold on his chest. “Doc's orders. Rest.”
Reluctantly he relaxed against the pillows as Jonghyun shuffled to the door. Jinki saw him grab a sheet from the chair on the way to wrap around himself before the door was unlocked and slid open. He couldn't see much through the narrow space between Jonghyun and the wall, but he knew whoever it was wasn't very big. A high voice caught his ears, “I have been sent to learn of your partner's condition. The owner would like to know. Also to inform you the train is about to start moving.”
Jonghyun turned slightly to look over his shoulder at Jinki, before his attention was returned to the person in front of him. “Tell Mr. Smith my partner needs at least 3 weeks rest for his ankle to heal. And thank you.” The door was slid shut again with a soft clank, and they could hear the retreating small footsteps as the person went to deliver the message.
“We both know that the medics never said any such thing.” Jinki softly mumbled as Jonghyun walked toward the small basket of fruit on the dresser.
“They said for you to be off of it as much as you can. I was being considerate giving Mr. Smith a time limit on your time off.” Jonghyun punctuated his words with sinking his teeth into a small apple he had picked up. A fond smile curved on Jinki’s face as he looked at the soft glow of the candles on Jonghyun’s face. “What?”
“You’re beautiful.” Jinki’s voice was soft and warm. “Our lives together is everything I could ask for. I am sorry for saying those awful things.”
“I understand why you said them. I said some equally horrific things. My head was not in the performance where it should have been. It was on the idea of not having you here with me when the train left tonight. I thought..” Jonghyun sighed slowly before looking up again. “My thoughts being on losing you almost made you lose me… Losing us for good and I am sorry.”
Jinki flashed a small smile, “I was not a very good base not catching you.”
“But you did.” Jonghyun crawled up the bed to Jinki, straddling his waist as he pushed a hand through his hair, the other holding the apple. “You caught me Baby. That is all that matters.”
“Still. I want you to know that what I said before it came from a place of bottled up emotion. I do focus a lot on you, but that is only because I love you. I love you so much Jonghyun. The way I feel about giving you children.. It comes from a very deep.. Feeling of mine that I’ve had to deal with my entire life.”
Jonghyun shifted a little both physically and emotionally. “What do you mean?”
“You know I’ve never been good with words, at least not verbally.” He gave Jonghyun’s hips a squeeze. “Under the bed, behind the board is the locked box my father gave to us that night we left. Mind getting it for me Baby?”
With a raised eyebrow Jonghyun passed the apple to him half eaten a and slipped from his lap. He got onto his knees to do as he was asked. After a moment and a few wiggles he was pushing off the floor holding the worn down wooden box. Jinki reached behind the dresser and when he opened his hand a small once golden key laid in his palm. He jiggled it into the lock, and with sure hands opened it. Inside were neatly organized envelopes. Hundreds upon hundreds. Jonghyun wasn’t sure if he could even count that high. “Jinki.. What are these?” He lifted his head to see Jinki sinking his teeth into the other half of the apple.
With a soft smile Jinki ran his fingertips over the top of them. His eyes slowly raised to lock with Jonghyun’s as he explained after swallowing, “A letter a day for the last 5 or so years. There’s easily 2 thousand letters in here. Some are doubled up for room but-”
“Who are they for?”
“Why you of course.” Jinki flipped through them for a moment before pulling one from the bottom. “I write them in the early morning when you are still asleep. It was a way for me to get things off my chest without weighing your already overactive worries Baby.” He passed the thick envelope to his lover. “Start there. My feelings haven’t changed much in the last 3 years.”
Jonghyun ran his tongue over his lips before flipping the envelope over and pulling it open. He gave Jinki a glance before the letter was taken out and unfolded.
Dear Jonghyun,
It’s hard for me to write this knowing you have no idea I’ve been writing them for years now. You’re still sleeping right behind me in our bed, beautiful as ever with your hair cascaded over the pillows. It’s times like these early mornings that my love for you hits me like a train. The soft light, the warmth of the room, the way your nose scrunches and the sounds you make when you start to notice I’m no longer in the bed with you. Yesterday we got a letter from my father telling me about things. It hurt seeing you cry knowing your mother and sister were doing okay without you. It hurt knowing I could have prevented you ever needing to runaway. If only I had done something to prevent that night from happening. I know you carry around the guilt of that night, I know that you still have nightmares you never want to tell me about, but all I’ve ever wanted to do from the moment I met you on the river bank was to protect you. I had heard the screaming from your house when I would play in the fields behind the barn. I would see your mother and sister out in town while I was with one of my parents and I’d always be turned away from seeing their bruises slipping out from under their dresses.
I feel like a failure most days. A failure for not giving you a better life. A failure for not giving you the family you deserve. I want to show you that you are not a bit like your father, but I am not equipped with the right parts to give you that. You may think my feelings of being a failure are misguided, and that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, but it’s hard for me to see you with children and know you’re giving up so much to be with me. I am not worth it. I am not worth giving up children I know you’ve wanted for a while, but never had the heart to say so because you felt like you’d become like your father as soon as you felt that little one in your arms. I look in mirrors and at my reflection in the surface of the water and I wonder what you see in me that made you give up a normal life for me. What do you see in my worthless existence to bless me with your heart? What is it about me that you see Jonghyun?
I look at you and I see this warmth that had the strength to survive the household you grew up in. I see this big heart and these loving eyes. You have the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. Even though all He ever tried to do was crush it. You’ve given me your heart and trust that I know you guard with everything in you. You’ve opened up to me and given me everything you could give me, but I cannot do the same. There are times after I write these letters and they are stored away that I lay with you and just look at you sleeping. You are so at peace and so beautiful. I think about a life where I never met you that evening. Would you be better off never having me in your life? Would you be married with children right now? Or would you never have had the courage to do what you did that night we had to run? Is it right for me to be selfish and keep you here wrapped up in my arms when you could be happy, and normal with a nice woman somewhere else? I often wonder if there is a woman out there that you could learn to love. One that makes you laugh so hard you cry, and loves you with as much loyalty and grace as I’ve tried to show you I feel. I am sorry that you had to fall in love with something like me. I corrupted you. How can I look at you with the raging love that I have for you knowing each touch I put on your body is a scar you have to wear out into the world for everyone to see?<^i>
I don’t know how much more of this I can take Jonghyun. Living my life with that smile directed towards me knowing I’ll never deserve it or you.
Love always,
Jinki
A tear splashed against the messy ink writing as Jonghyun finished reading. His eyes lifted to find the date. November 6th, 1923.He almost couldn’t find his voice as the letter fell into his lap. “You’ve been feeling like .. like you’re this disgrace for 3 years?” Jinki wouldn’t find his gaze. “Jinki Lee dammit to hell look at me.”
“I’ve felt that way ever since the first time someone called me coin slot as I walked with my father. I’ve felt that way ever since those boys beat you up on the way back from the school building when we were 11. I’ve felt that way every time you look at me. I don’t deserve you. I never have.” The apple core was pushed softly onto the nightstand and his fingers wiped on the blanket over his legs.
“Jinki… when I look at you all I see is this strong, loving man. I see those smile lines deepening and vow to myself to never let you stop making them deeper. I see the warm arms and wide chest, the same place I’ll call home any day. I see the man who gave up everything just to stay with me. You didn’t have to leave. You didn’t have to promise me to never leave me. You aren’t a disgrace and never a failure. That night we had to run.. The night I killed my father you couldn’t have changed it. That was my fight to end, not yours.” He lifted his hand to cup Jinki’s cheek. “I need you to realize that all I need in life is you. All I need are those loving eyes and sure hands. I’d love to have children, but they are not what makes a home. Love is. My mother and father had children and that building in the middle of Kansas Plains was not a home. This cart with you and I.. that’s a home. Please please don’t go through these emotions alone.. I.. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost you.”
Jinki’s hands rose to gently wipe away the tears falling from Jonghyun’s eyes. “Please don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me.”
“You don’t see what I see in you.” Jonghyun hiccupped. “That hurts me knowing you don’t see how much you deserve to be loved. That you’ve kept this from me for years. You’re so selfless and lovely. You give.. Have given… everything to make me happy. God Jinki, I wish you could see yourself with my eyes. ”
“Telling you that I hate myself isn’t exactly something you drop into conversation.” Jinki mumbled, “I grew up with a man raising me that didn’t look anything like me. I would go into town and I’d hear the townspeople asking him if I was his servant’s boy. I was beneath him. He tried his hardest to make sure I didn’t think that, but it was pretty easy to realize. Then I met you. Someone who had similar features to my own and a name rooted in my heritage so different than that around me. I thought the way I felt about myself would change with someone like me around, but it stayed. Like a dark cloud over my life. I could forget what I was for a while, but it always came back. Latching it’s dirty claws into me and I could never shake it off.” Jinki’s eyes fell away as his voice lowered. “I’m only here because of your love.”
“What do you mean?”
Jinki’s lips curved up at the corners as he took Jonghyun’s hands. He lifted them to press a soft kiss to the back of one of them. “The winter of our first kiss you came to find me in my room because I hadn’t been to work or down by the river. I was trying to distance myself from you because the claws were digging too deep and I couldn’t shake the dark feeling from my heart no matter how hard I tried. I kept thinking about the night you told me you loved me, the hand holding, and I just knew. I couldn’t handle knowing I would hurt you if I went away, so I figured distancing myself would make the blow somehow lesser. It didn’t work, because you came looking for me. I don’t know what you did that night you came into my room, but it was like just your presence push the darkness away in me. It was the last night I thought about using my father’s loaded pistol.”
“I kissed you the next morning…” Jinki’s eyes were glossy as a silent trail of tears fell from the corner of his eyes. “Oh Baby. We keep fighting each other while I should have been taking up arms to help you fight your demons.”
With a soft kiss Jinki smiled, “You do every time you look at me like I’m more than what I think of myself.”
“You are.” Jonghyun panted out as the letter was tossed on the other side of the bed and the box full of the others was moved from Jinki’s lap. He scrambled up to grab his face and kiss any piece of skin he could reach in a hurry. “You are so so so so much more.”
His nose was pushed into Jinki’s neck as he felt the man wrap his arms tight around him. From then on he would make sure to remind Jinki just how deserving he was to be loved.
-----
The next venue on their setlist was a good 3 days trip from the last show. Most of the passengers hated the time between far show times, but Jonghyun and Jinki loved them. It was a longer period of time they could be locked away from the world. The circus was a place for freaks, but most of the time the most understanding people were also the most judgmental ones. Short rides meant a smaller period of time they could be alone without the watchful eyes following their every move. It didn’t matter who they were as a person individually because their relationship together defined them in the eyes of many of the other train passengers.
The early morning sun was filtering through the couple of small windows on the wall just above their bed. Jonghyun was still asleep in front of him and Jinki was trying very hard not to signal that he was awake just yet. For once he hadn’t gotten up to write Jonghyun a letter. There was a special feeling to being wrapped up with his lover, but at the same time he was feeling alone in his thoughts. Having the only sounds heard being the train moving down the track and Jonghyun’s soft little breaths created space for the voice in his head to be heard louder than it usually was. Memories from the night before and knowing Jonghyun knew what he felt made his heart twist a little. The voice in his head was telling him that he made a mistake telling Jonghyun about his feelings and giving him the box of letters, but Jinki shook off the thought. He knew what he did was the right thing. No more secrets between them would mean growth in their relationship. Maybe it would even stop the fighting over things neither had control over. Maybe he could even learn to love himself even a little bit of how much Jonghyun did.
Jonghyun shifted slightly against him and a smile quirked on Jinki’s lips. There was a little bit of dried drool off the corner of the man’s mouth and chin, his hair was a mess, and his breath smelled horrible, but for some reason the beauty that he held was strongest then. Jinki felt a tug on his heart as Jonghyun turned a little and his face was fully seen. A little noise was heard from his slightly parted lips that Jinki wished he could somehow record to replay over and over again. He laid a kiss to Jonghyun’s bare shoulder and nuzzled against him after shifting down a little. His eyes fluttered close as he took in the scent of him. It was strange how his scent hadn’t changed much from their childhood in Kansas, but he figured when something was good you didn’t attempt to change it at all.
------
The box of letters was sitting open on the floor with a couple envelopes scattered around Jonghyun. He was on his belly with a letter in his hand. The third one he had read since breakfast. Jinki watched from his spot on the bed. Every time he tried to move Jonghyun’s head was snapping up with big eyes. So Jinki got comfy with his ankle up on a pillow. He liked watching Jonghyun anyway. The way his tongue poked out between his lips, the swaying of his feet when his knees were bent, the delicate way he held the letters, and the soft touch he gave them as he looked for another in the box. There was a warm feeling descended over him whenever he saw Jonghyun in his clothes. The shirt loose on his frame then was no different.
Suddenly Jonghyun’s attention was back on him and he was crawling over to the edge of the bed to put his chin on the mattress. He held the letter he was reading up for Jinki and mumbled, “Why didn’t you tell me about this when it happened?” Jinki rose his eyebrow as he took the piece of paper. His eyes scanned his own messy handwriting as the memory formed in his mind.
Dear Jonghyun,
Today I met a little girl outside the tent before the pre show began. I went to get you the cotton candy you wanted from the concession stand and she ran up to me. I was in my performance gear and she just came running to me all smiling. She told me she really really loved our stuff when she saw it the day before and that she thought I was pretty. She was such a sweet little thing. All smiley and bouncing as I knelt to talk to her better. She asked me to marry her the silly little thing, and I was too much of a softie to tell her no, so I accepted and told her I’d buy the rings. We were in line to buy the candy pop ones when her mother came to find her.
Do you remember the first time I held your hand in public and the looks of disgust we got? The look in this woman’s eyes was that multiplied by a thousand. She looked like she wanted to skin me alive just for being in the same state as her daughter let alone talk to her and let her hold my fingers. The things she yelled at me, the names she spewed… I have never felt as low and dirty as I did then. The girl looked at me with such sad little eyes. Eyes that just a moment before looked at me with so much awe and happiness. How could someone take that away from their child just because they saw how I had my arm around my partner’s waist? She called me a disgrace of humanity, a lowlife spec that didn’t deserve to be considered human, all because my hand was on your lower back as we walked backstage. How could our love cause so much hatred Jonghyun?
Love as always,
Jinki
“I didn’t want to worry you.” Jinki softly said as the letter was placed on his lap. He pushed his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair to move it out of his eyes with a smile. “You were really happy when I brought you that cotton candy and I think I was a little selfish by not telling you. Your smile helped take the feeling of worthlessness from my mind and body.”
“Well you be as selfish as you want. If it’s my smile you need you can have it. You’re the reason I do every day.”
“If you keep this up I’ll have a puddle of sap as a lover.”
Jonghyun hummed, “I have to remind you how lovely you are every chance I get. It seems someone always forgets to remember that.”
“Go read or something.” Jinki grumbled. His knuckles were gently kissed before Jonghyun returned to the floor with the letter. There was a lightness in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a while. It was a good feeling.
------
Two weeks later, 1926,
The sun was bright above them. It's warm glow cascading such a beautiful light across Jonghyun’s face. From his spot against the train car Jinki could swear there was a radiating glow around the man. His heart was warm and big feeling in his chest as he gazed at him. Jonghyun looked up from the costume he was helping to sow and a slow smile curved on his lips when he noticed Jinki looking at him.
Their lives were full of darkness. A type of darkness that seeped deep into their bones and worked to corrupt that them from the inside out. Jinki often thought about the time the darkness almost succeeded with him, but he realized looking at Jonghyun the darkness never had a chance.
He slowly limped over on his still sore ankle to softly lay his hands on Jonghyun shoulders. The man looked up at him all in love. “Hey you.”
Jinki pressed a kiss to his lips and leaned down to hug his head. “I love you sunshine.”
The nickname was new, but it seemed to fit Jonghyun more than any other one.
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