The Pianist and the Waiter (6/8)
A/N: I apologize for the really cheesy, cliche, depressed emo angst that is this chapter. Thank you to anyone who's still reading (and new readers of course)! Also, this story is nearing the end already.. I think there may only be a couple more chapters :o
“Good morning.” Jonghyun’s voice drifted to Jinki from somewhere that seemed far away. He barely heard him, continuing to stare at his phone as unshed tears still wavered in his eyes. This couldn’t be happening. Just when it seemed like his life was finally going in a direction he wanted…
“Jinki? Hyung, are you ok?” Jonghyun’s still-tired voice now sounded dipped in concern.
Get a grip on yourself, Jinki, he told himself, and faked a yawn as he nodded, maybe a little overenthusiastically. “Yeah, sorry, spaced out for a minute…good morning to you, too.”
Jonghyun sat up and pecked him on the lips. “You’re up early,” he commented. “I have to get into the studio early today, that’s the only reason why I’m awake. You’re welcome to sleep more or help yourself to my food, though. Unfortunately I don’t have any chicken.” He laughed and ruffled Jinki’s hair as he got up.
Jinki smiled. “Thanks, I may take you up on that offer, and I’ll see you not too much later.”
“That’s right, you’re one of us now,” Jonghyun replied. “Well, I’ll take a quick shower and then I better go. I’m actually late, if you can believe that. You go back to sleep though, it’s still dark out, for god’s sake.”
“Bye,” said Jinki quietly as he left the room. Despite Jonghyun’s mandate, he didn’t go back to sleep. He lay there and tried to make sense of the conversation he just had with Jonghyun’s manager. What were his options? More than anything, he wanted to tell Jonghyun the truth, but he knew that what the manager had said was right-Jonghyun hated being manipulated. It would definitely cause a rift between him and the company. There were certainly plenty of other companies that would love to have Jong, but who was to say their relationship would be tolerated there either? SM had so many of the most successful artists, and Jonghyun really was living his dream. Jinki couldn’t justify putting him in a position where he might have to give that up-or have it destroyed against his will if they got caught secretly dating. It seemed like no matter how he looked at it, it came down to the same thing for Jonghyun: It was Jinki or his career. Jinki knew which one he should choose, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Only when he heard the distant click of the door to the hallway closing did he let his tears fall, and only a couple still sleepless hours later did he drag himself out of bed to get ready to go to the SM building.
When he stepped out of the shower, he wiped away the fog on the bathroom mirror and sighed as he inspected the reflection of his blotchy skin and puffy eyes. Somehow he had imagined the morning of his first day as a trainee much differently from this. He dressed quickly and finished getting ready, spending as much time as he could spare to just splash cold water on his face and practice his fake smile in the mirror, hoping his efforts would pay off enough to make it look like he hadn’t spent the better part of the morning crying silently into Jonghyun’s pillowcase.
It seemed to work well enough. In fact, the day would have been almost like how he imagined it so many times, if it weren’t for the constant echoes of the conversation with Jonghyun’s manager that reverberated in his mind. He sat on the floor of the practice room, freezing bottle of water pressed against his forehead as if it would somehow block them out.
Minho was the first to show signs of concern. “Hey, new kid,” he said as he plopped down beside him on the floor. “You’ve barely said a word all day. Normally I’m the quiet one. Everything ok, hyung?”
Jinki nodded, keeping the water bottle stuck to his face. “Headache.”
Minho nodded back sympathetically. “Sucks. Hey, isn’t that Jonghyun’s manager?”
Jinki looked up in surprise, following Minho’s gaze to the opposite side of the room, where Jonghyun’s manager sure enough had entered and was sifting through some paperwork. He launched into a conversation on an unrelated topic and Jinki was only half-listening.
“Well, anyway…” Minho was saying, “I better find Taemin. He wanted me to help with some choreography or something.”
“Later,” Jinki muttered as Minho left and he continued staring at the manager. Just then he happened to look up and their eyes met for a moment. He crossed the room to leave through the opposite doorway that Minho had just gone through, pausing momentarily when he reached the place where Jinki was sitting.
Jinki didn’t want to shoot the messenger, especially since he did seem sincere and genuinely upset about the situation, but he couldn’t help feeling antagonistic toward the man. The feeling only intensified when he looked down at him with pity in his eyes and said quietly, “The sooner, the better” before turning to leave. Jinki leaned his head back against the wall, relying on gravity to keep the new tears that formed in the corners of his eyes from spilling over.
At the end of the day he gathered all his new sheets of music, organizing and reorganizing them in an attempt to dilute some of his nervous energy while he waited for Jonghyun by the front door. He had to fight back tears again like he’d been doing all day once he caught sight of him approaching. Jinki admired him from afar, thinking about how lucky he was to have him and realizing he must have known all along that it was too good to be true.
“The end of your first day! You going home now?” Jonghyun said once he was close enough to talk.
Jinki just nodded in response, not trusting his voice for the moment.
“Want to stay with me tonight instead?” He took a step closer and intertwined their fingers. Jinki agreed, his heart breaking a little more with the knowledge that he wouldn’t hear him ask that again once he did what he had to.
Jonghyun took all their things and set them down once they stepped into the apartment. He pressed his body against Jinki and kissed him slowly. It felt amazing like it always did and Jinki kissed back, knowing that it had to be the last time. “The sooner, the better…” Any second now he would have to pull away and tell Jonghyun that he didn’t want to be with him, which was so thoroughly a lie that Jinki thought it shouldn’t even hold enough reality to be possible to say. He wished that the detail of his memory wasn’t so limited. There was no way it could capture this the way that he wanted, Jonghyun’s mouth on his and his hand in his hair and more than anything he wished that he didn’t have to memorize so exactly the warmth of his lips and the way that he touched him; he wished he could just feel it again and again and be reminded every time. But he couldn’t. The kiss broke and they caught their breath.
“I’m so proud of you, do you know that?” Jonghyun said quietly. He pulled back and looked at him straight on, and Jinki couldn’t stop the tears this time. Jonghyun’s dark eyes blinked in surprise and that’s when Jinki lost it. He had been about to say it, but he knew he couldn’t do it. His mind was a jumbled mess when he looked at Jonghyun and saw the man whose passion for music inspired him, the friend who encouraged him, the talent and the beauty that amazed him, the silky voice and laid-back elegance that turned him on like hell. And all he knew was that he couldn’t do it. “Jinki, what is it?”
Jinki pursed his lips to stop them from trembling and shook his head. “Nothing, it’s just…I love you, Jonghyun. I love you.”
“That’s nothing to cry about, you babo,” Jonghyun said, thumbing away the tears on his cheeks. “But actions speak louder than words, right?” he added.
Jinki took the hint and initiated a kiss this time, wanting to convey his apology for what he just almost did, even though Jonghyun had no idea. Their making out got a little messier and they were half naked already when they flopped onto Jonghyun’s bed, teasing each other until they were both hot and hard and desperate. Jinki was able to think clearly enough to be sure that nothing had ever felt more right-they needed each other, and fuck the consequences.
Jinki was satisfied to wake up to no blaring alarm or intruding phone call, just Jonghyun shaking him gently and telling him good morning. He was almost able to push the idea of having to break up with Jonghyun out of his mind like a bad dream, except that it all came rushing back to him once they entered the SM building together and he locked eyes with Jonghyun’s manager once again. He took one look at them and it was apparent in his expression that he knew Jinki hadn’t complied. In his eyes was the same look of pity and sadness that had been there the day before, but now it was mixed with an ounce of something reminiscent of a ticking clock.
He went about the day the best he could, keeping up his façade that nothing was wrong. He walked down the hallway laughing with Key on the way to get something to eat. They passed a few offices and when he thought he heard Jonghyun’s name being said inside one of them, he stopped in his tracks. It took Key a few more paces to notice that he was no longer walking beside him. He turned back and raised an eyebrow at him. “You coming?”
“Uh…you go ahead, I’ll catch up with you later. I want to check something.”
Key eyed him strangely but just said, “All right then.”
Once he was out of sight, Jinki pressed his ear against the office door.
“…only a trainee. He doesn’t really know how things work yet. I think this is to be expected.”
Jinki pressed his ear harder against the door. Were they talking about him?
“Expected or not, I had hoped he would listen. I’m concerned that this is going to get discovered. These things always do, sooner or later, and from the looks of it, they aren’t exactly being subtle.”
“You did impress on him the risk? The marginal cost outweighing the benefit at this point in time?”
Jinki flattened himself against the door as much as he could and hoped no one came down the hallway and caught him eavesdropping. He almost jumped when he recognized Jonghyun’s manager’s voice.
“With all due respect…this isn’t a business transaction. These boys aren’t plot points on your profit possibilities curve. Don’t they have a say in their own lives? Don’t they have a right to date and fall in love like anyone else?”
“Your concern is touching, but I’m afraid it’s misguided.”
“To answer your question,” Jonghyun’s manager went on, ignoring the interruption, “naturally, I have warned Jonghyun that an unhidden relationship, or even a secret one, is chancy, but I don’t think he wants to compromise on this.”
“I see. Well, I must say that this makes me question Jonghyun’s dedication to the industry. His contract doesn’t expire for years, of course, but this is something I will keep in mind when we’re deciding whether to renew it.”
Jinki heard some shuffling of papers and chairs being moved.
“I think this meeting is adjourned.”
He scrambled away from the door before anyone walked out and saw him there. He ducked into the nearest empty practice room, a tiny one at the corner of the hallway, and closed the door, leaning against it as ice cold realization washed over him at what he just heard. Tears pricked at his eyes again when it hit him how selfish his thoughts were. Jinki would gladly give up his own singing career and go back to being a waiter for Jonghyun, but how could he ask him to do the same? Jonghyun was more talented, more successful, and frankly he had a lot more to lose from this than he did. And when it was the right time, Jonghyun would find someone else who made him happy-a girl, even, and someone as incredible as he was, who society would approve of. Jinki wasn’t good enough for him, anyway. No matter how hard it was, he would have to break up with him before anyone else could find out about their relationship. “The sooner the better.” The words repeated themselves again, seeming to knock against the inside of his skull and refusing to leave him alone.
He slid down to the floor, tucking his knees into his chest as he let himself cry. He didn’t know how long he stayed there, folded against the door as sobs wracked his body. He knew he missed plenty of training time, which he knew he would probably get in some sort of trouble for. He wiped his face on his sleeve but new tears quickly replaced the ones that he brushed away. Everything that he was afraid would happen when he signed that contract, was now happening, and then some. He questioned whether he had made the right decision at all. Was pursuing some blind passion for singing really worth signing away your soul? Jonghyun had seemed to think so. But he could never know that that was the reason he was leaving him, that it wasn’t because he wanted to. That probably hurt the most.
When Jinki finally ventured out of the small, windowless room, he was shocked to find that it was already dark outside. He was still struggling to gather his thoughts back together when he almost bumped directly into Jonghyun.
“Hey, I haven’t seen you all day,” he said, thrusting his arm out to stop them from colliding. “You must be busy though, and…oh my god hyung, what happened to you?”
Jinki rubbed at his face in embarrassment, realizing that he probably looked like a wreck.
“Come outside with me.” Jonghyun led him outside and Jinki shivered a little in the night air. “What happened? I know something’s bothering you, hyung. You can tell me.”
If it was possible, Jonghyun’s gentle words made him feel even worse. He became conscious of that fact that he hadn’t planned out how he was going to say this, but he felt like continuing to put it off was making it harder. “I…I can’t be with you, Jonghyun. I’m so sorry.” His voice sounded hoarse and he felt like crying again but it seemed like he’d done so much of that in the past couple days that he had no tears left.
“What?” Jonghyun’s question was almost a whisper, his beautiful eyes wide and uncomprehending.
“I don’t think we should date anymore. I’m so sorry,” he repeated, swallowing dryly.
“Hyung, I don’t understand.”
Jinki forced himself to look at the other man despite the pain it caused him. He had never seen Jonghyun look so vulnerable.
“You told me you loved me. Did…did I misinterpret that?” He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, his body quivering visibly against a cold breeze.
“No, Jonghyun, I love you, I wasn’t lying, but I can’t…” he trailed off and there was a long silence.
“Please, hyung…” Jonghyun now looked like the one about to cry. Knowing that he was the reason for it was agonizing. “Is this really what you want?”
Jinki wanted to yell, No, of course it isn’t! I love you, beg me to stay with you, don’t let me do this. But he only nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said again, so quietly that it was barely audible over the cars rushing by and the rest of the city.
“Me too,” said Jonghyun, just as quietly, the raw emotion that showed in his eyes a second ago frozen over and replaced with something colder and unfeeling before he turned away and reentered the SM building.
Jinki went through the following days in a numb kind of trance. He went through the motions working to improve at singing and dancing, everything he used to dream of, but he almost felt like it didn’t matter anymore without Jonghyun. He questioned every day whether it had been worth it, and so far the answer was a resounding no. He didn’t normally get to see much of Jonghyun during the day anyway, but now he never did unless their paths crossed by chance, and then, the younger man would walk by him like they were strangers passing on the street. He still saw the same amount of his other friends, but they now spoke to him only if it was for some reason necessary. Key was the only one who confronted him about what happened.
“How could you do that to Jonghyun?” he had yelled as soon as he saw him the following day after the break-up. “You tell him you love him and then you leave him, and don’t even say why? Please, explain.”
Jinki was close to breaking down and telling Key everything, but he had held back, knowing that it would inevitably get back to Jonghyun and it would all have been for nothing.
As a result, he felt guiltier and more alone than ever. There was only one other person he could think of who would listen and not judge, so the next night, he found himself at the door to the country club just as Kyuhyun’s shift was ending. “Jinki-yah!” he called affectionately, gathering him in a lung-squishing hug. Jinki had to smile despite his situation. He had missed his ex-coworker.
Kyuhyun’s attitude did a 180 after they pulled out of the hug and he was standing on the sidewalk yelling, “Yah, Lee Jinki, you said you wouldn’t forget me, but you DID! I haven’t heard from you in…I don’t even know how long! What is the reason for this?”
Jinki opened his mouth but Kyuhyun didn’t give him a chance to actually speak. “Don’t bother to say it, I know the answer. You’ve been preoccupied with being talented and your sexy, mysterious boyfriend with the piano. So what brings you here tonight?”
Jinki didn’t really know how to reply. “Hyung, I…”
Kyuhyun studied him for a moment. “Something’s really wrong, hm? Did your sexy pianist boyfriend break up with you? What was his name again? I’ll kick his ass.”
“Jonghyun,” he replied. It seemed like an extraordinarily long time that he’d gone without saying that name and it felt almost strange on his tongue. “And no, he didn’t break up with me. I broke up with him.”
“Oh,” said Kyuhyun. “Well, I’m sorry, Jinki-yah. Want to talk about it?”
He nodded. “I’m just going home now…you can come over, if you’re not busy.”
“I am never too busy to offer advice to my talented although very ungrateful dongsaeng.”
“Thank you,” said Jinki. “And I really did miss you.”
“Sure you did. Whatever. I didn’t miss you. Not really.”
Jinki smiled. They walked the rest of the way to Jinki’s apartment as Kyuhyun updated him on Yunho and their other co-workers and things in his life. Jinki explained what happened with Jonghyun and he listened with an unreadable expression.
“I feel like I really screwed up but I have no idea how to fix it,” he finished.
Kyuhyun was silent for a few moments, then said, “I wish I had an immediate solution for you. For now, maybe you should just give it some time.”
Jinki sighed. “Maybe you’re right,” he said, even though he couldn’t help feeling disappointed at the lack of an immediate solution. He didn’t feel like giving it time-he wanted to know that he was doing the right thing with his life and mostly he wanted Jonghyun and his friends back, but he supposed he had to accept that it couldn’t happen overnight.
He almost fell out of his chair when he felt his phone vibrate against his thigh. Since he had no social life anymore, this was a rare occurrence. He glanced at the screen and the despair he already felt intensified as he saw that it was Jonghyun’s manager’s number. What did he want now? “It’s Jonghyun’s manager,” he told Kyuhyun, who shrugged.
“Answer it. Put it on speaker!” he added, like an excited teenage girl.
Jinki obeyed. “Hello?”
“Jinki, hi…listen, um…I know that you broke up with Jonghyun, like we talked about, and I know this has been really hard for both of you. Again, I really want you to know that I’m sorry about the whole thing.”
There was a bit of an awkward silence as Jinki sat still and just listened silently. The manager cleared his throat. “But that’s not why I’m calling. Since you’re a trainee and don’t have your own manager yet, I was asked to tell you that the annual SM showcase is coming up…”
Jinki gave a noncommital “uh-huh” to let him know that he was still on the line. He knew about the showcase, of course. It was held every year as an opportunity for the artists, including the trainees, to perform something, either alone or with a group that they trained with. The routines were sometimes chosen themselves but it was usually mandated by their dance or voice teachers according to what they needed experience with. For trainees, it was one of the biggest events of the year, as real performance experience was scarce, especially with the kind of exposure that comes with being in a show with the already elite artists whose fans would be there.
“…and Jonghyun’s coaching and PR teams really want him to try something different. They were thinking of a duet…with you.”
Jinki’s mouth fell open and Kyuhyun looked at him curiously. “W-With me?”
“Yes…please bear in mind, the people who organized this have no idea that you were…together, so they don’t know that this might be awkward for you. However, I think that this will be a good exercise in professionalism for both of you.”
“Does he know about this?”
“Jonghyun? Yes, I told him. He’s okay with it.”
Jinki didn’t know how he should feel about this. “Oh. That’s…good,” he said. He knew that even if one or both of them wasn’t ok with it, they didn’t have much choice. This seemed to be a recurring theme in the life of a signed artist. “Well…thanks for letting me know.”
“Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Bye-wait. Just out of curiosity, what song are we supposed to sing?”
The manager paused and Jinki wondered if he had already hung up, but the timer on his phone was still
counting, proving otherwise. “It’s called ‘Please don’t go.’”
A/N: *sobs* and yes, the duet is the real Jongyu duet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS3vDviJz-Q
Chapter 7