SHINee Fic Mix 2011 - pikagyu
Title: You Make it Hard to Smile (because you make it hard to breathe)
Author: pikagyu
Pairing: Onew/Minho
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: I had no idea where to begin and where to end, but it all worked out somehow. I’m not quite sure.
Original Work: Saturn V by capebuffalo
There are too many things running through Minho’s mind, and none of them manifest the way he means them. The most prominent thing is currently the expression on Jinki’s face as he waits in line, eyes boring into his own. Minho can’t quite figure out what to say at the moment until he notices the impatient expression on the custom’s agent.
“Customs, hyung. It’s your turn,” he says. He watches Jinki stumble forward before chuckling silently. Minho catches Jinki’s eyes for a second before joining the rest of the group by the elevator. He watches as the customs agent says something to Jinki, making his face scrunch up into half a smile and half embarrassment.
When Jinki approaches him at the elevator, Minho debates on asking Jinki if he wants some coffee, but Jinki disappears into the elevator too quickly, and Minho loses his chance this time.
--
Minho hears the same banter he always does between Jonghyun and Taemin, but his focus is still on Jinki. Jinki still looks like he'd rather be anywhere but there at the moment, and Minho debates on what to say to him as he watches Jinki from the corner of his eye under the pretense of checking something on his phone. He hears Jinki mumble something and frowns slightly.
"Are you hungry?" Minho knows immediately that he said something wrong by the way a flash of irritation appears on Jinki's face for a second. He tries to figure out what is wrong, but his thoughts get cut off by a simple, "I'm tired." Jinki's irritation spreads to Minho as he furrows his eyebrows at the older man. Jonghyun's voice grates into Minho's mind, and Minho lets out a huff. "Sit next to me on the bus," Minho says to Jinki before turning his attention to Jonghyun.
Minho pokes and prods at Jonghyun’s ego for a moment, smiling in satisfaction when Jonghyun overreacts and starts to stutter. Everyone is laughing except for Jinki, Minho notices, but the sour expression on his face is gone, and Minho can go back to figuring out his thoughts and how to say what he wants to say to Jinki.
--
Minho stares at Jinki’s tired face on the bus. His eyes are open, but Minho feels like they’re only open because they can’t close. Maybe it was all the noises on the bus keeping Jinki awake. No, it’s not the noises. He fishes around his bag for his eyemask and hands it to him.
“Here, so you can get some sleep.” When Jinki stares blankly at him, Minho tries not to laugh. “You need help putting it on?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, though, snapping the mask over Jinki’s eyes. Minho sees the corners of his mouth turn down in indignation. His thoughts blank out, and he does the only thing that comes to mind next and kisses him.
Even with Jinki’s eyes covered, Minho can tell this isn’t a good reaction. His expression stiffens before he turns away and leans against the window, staring at the passing buildings. It’s too much to hope for. What was he hoping for? Definitely not the silence that stretched between them, and definitely not the awkward tension in the air.
The first words out of Jinki’s mouth (“You better start talking.”) aren’t exactly what Minho wanted to hear. His mood takes a dive, and he retreats back into his shell, guarding himself against an inevitable onslaught of things gone wrong.
Their conversation after doesn’t make any sense in Minho’s head. His words are coming out all wrong, and he’s not saying the things he wants to say in the first place. Things like, it’s okay for you to sleep on my shoulder, and I know you’re staring at me, but do you notice I stare at you, too?
Minho closes his eyes, and he can feel Jinki’s eyes still glued to him. Minho’s breathing is irregular, and his head goes light from the lack of oxygen to his brain. Jinki whispers something so light, Minho almost didn’t catch it.
“Why do you do this to me?”
--
Minho listens to Jinki’s solo and blinks a few times. People are running around behind him, trying to get everything prepared, but there’s something about the way that Jinki is singing that song that keeps him standing there at the edge of the curtain, wanting to hear more.
“Minho! Get over here,” he hears one of the coordinators yell at him. He lets himself get dragged away with Jinki’s voice still haunting him.
“Hey, Jonghyun-hyung. Do you remember the name of this song?” he asks, jerking his head towards the stage as clothes are shoved into his hands.
“Uh... It’s an opera song?”
“Idiot,” Key says, smacking Jonghyun in the back of the head as he walks by. “It’s a pretty well known song in opera called ‘Nessun dorma.’ He’s only been practicing it for the past few months. No big deal.” Key is dragged away before Jonghyun can get any more indignant, and Minho is pushed into a chair.
He pulls out his phone and searches ‘Nessun dorma’ to find a site that has the lyrics translated into a dozen different languages. His eyes settle on the hangul, and the irony of the title strikes him a little bit too hard.
Minho wonders if there was a way he could’ve been a little bit more tactful with his words, if he was really the one that provoked Jinki into saying what he did about Minho’s kiss with Jonghyun. But instead, he shuts off his phone angrily, wanting all of his thoughts to leave him alone.
And if they aren’t going to leave him alone, then to come out the way he wants them.
--
Jinki’s apology irritates Minho more than it soothes him. It’s not what he wants to hear from him, and Minho’s too tired to deal with Jinki right now, and he tells him so in a nicer manner. He watches he cogs work in Jinki’s mind and steers the conversation towards what he’s been wanting to hear: a confession.
“... I can’t stop thinking about you... it feels like the only chance I have.”
Minho hears everything he’s saying, and his chest gets tight because his feelings are threatening to explode. This. This is what he’s been wanting to hear from Jinki for so long, but his thoughts don’t line up with his feelings, and instead, the conversation takes a dive.
Especially when Minho realizes this isn’t what he’s wanted to hear for so long. Jinki wants to find an alternative. I’m a risk he’s not willing to take. The words echo in his mind, and his feelings twinge again. His thoughts are mocking him.
“We both know that’s not true.”
And I know this isn’t what I want.
--
Jonghyun notices that Minho and Jinki are starting to resemble caged animals when they walk by each other. Sometimes, he watches them avoid each other in the living room, and Key will join him, sipping on his coffee.
Jinki would sit down on the couch and turn on the TV, mindlessly flipping through the channels with the volume too loud. Minho would come out, looking irritated until he realizes that it’s Jinki watching TV. Then the two of them would stare at each other until Minho says he’s going for a glass of water.
Jonghyun and Key watch as Minho throws a mug down and dumps water into it. They turn back to Jinki and watch him turn off the TV and throw the remote onto the coffee table before disappearing into his room.
Minho sits down at the couch, next to the spot where Jinki was sitting. He sips on his water for a few minutes before turning the TV on. The volume level is still the same, and this time Taemin is trailing behind Jinki as he steps out and scowls.
Taemin only has a few seconds to press against the wall before Jinki whips around and returns to his room in a huff. He glances towards Jonghyun and Key’s matching curious expressions before mouthing them a question. They shrug in unison, and Taemin shakes his head.
--
The next time Jinki walks by, Taemin is determined to ask him what’s wrong. Key beats him to the punch, and then Taemin decides he’s going to mind his own business, especially with the way Jinki’s expression turned to absolutely fury for a second before insisting everything is fine. Taemin decides that he’ll have better luck with Minho.
But when Minho opens the door with dark circles and half-opened eyes, Taemin’s words falter a little bit. “Hyung. Is something going on between you and Jinki-hyung?” Taemin knows it’s the wrong question when Minho blinks a few times and scowls.
“No. Nothing’s going on.” And the door closes in Taemin’s face.
--
Everyone makes themselves scarce one day, volunteering to go on a grocery run. Minho is out taking a jog, and Jinki is on the couch, fast asleep.
He wakes up when he realizes it’s too quiet and sits up on the couch in time to see Minho push the front door open and close it behind him, pulling his earbuds from his ears.
They stare at each as though it’s the first time they’ve seen each other, and Minho recovers first, taking his shoes off at the door.
“Where’s everyone else?” he asks, making his way towards the kitchen to get some water. Jinki stands up and rubs his arms, before moving over to the wall and leaning against it.
“I think I heard them say grocery shopping.”
“Oh.”
The silence stretches, and Jinki takes a deep breath.
“I have to tell you something.”
Minho stops after his third gulp of water. He can see the look in Jinki’s eyes, even though his face is pointed towards the ground. He smiles and places the bottle of water back into the fridge.
He was finally going to hear what he wanted, but just in case. “I’ve heard that before. You can see what a difference it’s made.”
"I have to tell you something you can't put into words.” There’s a pleading in his voice, and Minho leans over him, slight smile on his face.
This is exactly what he wants to hear.