SSS 2010: for paranoiascreams
For: paranoiascreams
From: Your Secret Santa
Title: Snowy Love
Pairing: Minho/Jonghyun
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 7,371
Summary: People expected romantic snow holiday, but they never expected the expectation of the truth behind their romantic snow holiday.
I always wondered -was this the reality I wanted? Saw you lifeless underneath the crust of the earth. I poised stood on the Earth with pang. I stood under you -such bewildered feelings and maybe you could see the sustained I bear -scrupled engulf within my lonely heart. Did love really was blind?
---
I was busied myself fed the warm fire in the chimney with log woods that already served before we stepped into this snug, homely cabin. I intensely watched those smoldering little ashes soared to the outside -ice world. Since I had missed my birthday, my boyfriend -Jonghyun, tried to recover back my neglected birthday by celebrated somewhere that was blanketed by snow dust.
He told me this was his present of devotion and appreciation for me -but I knew what he meant about this present. Regarded his first present -for 2 years in this love relationship -all I know his presents more likely to satisfaction or my favourite stuff to do with him but, he wouldn’t willed to do it and one
of that classified in my stuff.
This year present considered -well, sweet romance love like in Switzerland. He was born to be a romance heart -all those feelings he smothered on his lucky lyrics papers. He never showed it to me because he was expecting me to be the romantic one -those cheesy yet, heart stealer lines I always said, it was as much like a routine to me as if I couldn’t show anything than that. I blamed my daily job, obscure my love for him -even it didn’t bother me, I thought it would be still the same -I would say cheesy lines for him.
As I was saying, he was expecting something romantic from me like old proverbs said “actions speak louder than words” or so like that. I’m helpless in this sweet for good nothing like Romeo always did to his Juliette. I knew how to be girl’s dream guy -but, I never thought outside of the box how to be guy’s dream guy?
He knew how to do it and I just situated myself in same shoe as he. He kissed me, I kissed him back, and he hugged me, I hugged him back -it was like you threw a ball to the wall and it ricocheted back to you. I never good in romance -I didn’t say I don’t know about it, I said I’m not good with it.
Jonghyun was already romantic like Romeo and I couldn’t be romantic just like that Romeo guy. My romantic level was same as the others normal guy -with normal life, normal love and everything that was normal to them and me. The day I met him, he was like a book character from children’s favourite story even to adults keen. He appeared after me with his -maybe his gifted talent, I guess. That I would never possessed it. Maybe that was the reason I loved him and he wanted to show his talent of love more for me -so I would never left him because my favourite about him, his romance and himself.
When you found something that you longed for it -never let it go. What happened if, we less interest with it not lost it -because that word seemed a bit cruel to me. ‘Choi Minho, are you done yet with the fire? If you are, how about lend me your hand so, we can have dinner early. The weather sure makes me hungry.’ His voice came from the kitchen gave me knuckles from my trance. And I forgot to say he also good at cooking. Lucky me I found someone who was the type of mine. Independent people titled it. I walked to the kitchen where he tiptoed on the floor busied fumbled his hand inside the cabinet looked for something -to be precisely our dinner. ‘You can start by helping me find the ingredients I need inside this high cabinet. Do you mind?’ He turned around, raised an eyebrow at me and all I could do is grinned like a Fool.
I forgot he had plights with his height I wrapped my long slender hands around his cured waist and gave him a lift up. He was wiggling in my arms and screamed out of his lungs. ‘Yah, Choi Minho! What the hell are you doing? Put me down this instant!’ He pinched my forearm - I know he loved me did this. ‘You asked me to lend you a hand. So, I lend it for you.’ He smacked my hands with his hard knuckles, but the pain was numb almost ticklish tickle to me. Am I romantic?
‘Minho put me down now!’
‘Found what you want babe?’
‘They’re not in here okay, put me down you freak alien 6 feet tall!’ I released him from my embrace.
He pouted like a cute brat and I loved his childish side. He puffed his cheeks shaded with pink blush and his puppy eyes narrowed deathly at me. I chuckled softly. He really was a spoiled lover. He swiveled himself avoided from me. Maybe he was too much given attention from me and I thought he was literally a brat. I should stop made fun of his height. ‘Hey babe, you know I don’t like when you sulking over me. Okay, I’m sorry for act like bloody hell moron. Will you forgive me babe?’I embraced him from his back and placed a chaste kiss on his crook. His sweet smell bubble bath made me dazed with him. He turned and faced with me and pulled my neck forwarded to his plump lips. The way he kissed me was alluring and lustful. Instinctively, my hands on his hips -our body clashed together like a magnet and the heat surrounding us rose abruptly. Then he shoved me and smirked seductively. He purred at my sensitive ear ‘let’s eat dinner inside our room.’ He finished his words and licked it like an ice-cream and with that he vanished from my sight and idly walked to our room with his tantalized expression plastered on his wanton face. My eyes trailed every single of his steps till his presence locked inside the room. The night was still young and it was going to be a long night for both of us. I chuckled in satisfaction -today’s dinner menu was Kim
Jonghyun.
---
The sun ray of fresh morning seeped through the curtains window and shone directly on my face. I fluttered my sleepy eyes -I rubbed my swollen, tired eyes and rose up my half naked body, leaned against the headboard of this bed.
I looked beside me -a petite, fragile body slept silently, like an angel. His soft features like there was nothing to care about in this world. Only his sweet dreams reeled inside his mind. Last night wasn’t rough or passionate like I always did with him. Yesterday was different -I wanted to cherish every single part that belonged to him. The delicate, smooth skin of him and the music of lust recorded in my head and rewind it whenever I felt alone.
My hands never stay still as it should be. My pervert hands crept and harassed my dear beautiful boyfriend face. His plump fat, red lips -without intentions I suddenly flicked his allured lips. Maybe my actions woke him from his slumber and took for a while for him to bring his soul in reality. His half lidded eye, genuinely smile and his morning voice after night. ‘Good morning Minho.’ He shifted his position till our body contacted each other. He wrapped his arms around my neck. Cling on me -kissed my lips slowly but, passionately. My morning kisses never lacked of his sincerity. We parted the kiss and our mind lost inside each other eyes. This feeling, the feeling of blissful - the contented heart filled the gaps of vacancy by our pure love. I promised myself that I always by his side. ‘Minho, what’re you planning for today event?’ My soul always flew somewhere else because of him and I felt so high with him. His question brought back my soul. ‘Sorry babe, what did you said?’ He pouted because I didn’t listen what he said and that was no, no for him or you would be sorry for yourself.
‘Minho, I made this honeymoon because I want your attentions on me not someone else outside here! Why couldn’t you understand a bit our relationship? We rarely spend together in the city and now you make it harder. What are you trying to do Minho? Since yesterday you acted like there’s a girl in your freakin’ brain!’ He shouted in wrath -he kicked the half covered duvet of his naked body and picked up his lost boxer on the floor and wore it. He didn’t budge to glance over his shoulder for me. Because I never did what he wanted and I knew how pissed it was.
He slammed the door harshly. My world and his world separated not because of the door but because of me. I combed my tousled hair with my bare fingers -My head felt the pain and it surely from the headache. How I’m going to coax him that I love him? Apologise, kisses and sex never paid off the pain in his heart and in my head if, I kept myself into the endless sky.
I need him so much as he needed me. Albeit, I need to confront this trivial silly lovers strife before it changed as cold as today’s weather. I saw him. He was serving the breakfast as usual. As I always said he was kind. No matter how many I dispute with him -he never forgot me, never left me incomplete because, he loved me and he could concession any fault from me but, I never pleasant with his fault. I threw my fit at him, scolded at him like his sin would never redeem back -We were different. Like yin and yang, black and white, earth and sky, girl and boy or maybe not. Both of us were born as boy and both of us were boy. We were same in physical appearances but, not in heart. It was indisputably that we were different -and that was the reason we loved each other.
I was standing at the corner of the staircase. From this spot I saw everything within him. He sat down on the dine table -his imperturbable face stared blankly on his plate. I didn’t know what was on the menu but, I thought it was sunny side and bacon mould into a happy face -ironically both of us didn’t feel the same way.
I strode my way towards that place. Silly for both of us, quarreled over my stupidity and his jealousy. I lugged the chair from the table. The trundled of the chair brought his attention -his movement halted, his eyes met with mine. I could felt the strained and awkward atmosphere pervade between us. I barely sit down with him. He was confounded with my sudden appearances. His stonily stare and the taut lips were the signs. “Leave me alone” I could hear his mind spoke to me. My gaze averted on the wooden floor. My cowardice not braved enough to face the problems. The venom, discontented, heartless words spitted out and the remorse for slipped the taboo curses so easily. I didn’t want this reality from him. I might erupting in matter of time if he did -I wanted to protect my pride never wanted to protect him or biased him than myself. My worthless promises “I love you more than anyone” it was a lie, I love more myself than him -True or false it depended on my loyalty towards him.
‘Good morning Minho, I make pancakes today and chocolate fudge.’ He nonchalantly told me. Did he forgot our argument and chuck it out? Maybe, he didn’t want to exaggerate the faults. I knew he hated to bring the past as our topic. It was better act as it never happened than accused each self. I sat down the chair I grasp for so long. My sight curdled from the solid, plain wooden floor to sweet, bright person that I loved most.
‘Minho, I’m sorry what just happened. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. I was curious and tinge of jealous pang inside me -because you’re day dreaming a lot and I don’t know what was in your mind that time. Anything could be. Maybe you’re thinking about your family, friends, work or maybe your colleague’s affair you secretly hide from my back. I don’t like when I’m talking, having sex or being idly together -you lost your thought in space of yours and it hurts me when you do that. I fucking hate it.’
First word of swearing approached in our small chat. How should I said, I lost myself because of him. Everything was him. I was intoxicated with him and I regret when he thought it contrary. I need to clarify the misunderstood he had.
‘Jjong, I never hide anything from you. I always love you -it’s not wrong to think about you all the time, right? ‘He scoffed and rolled his eyes, taunting my truth statement. Both parties wouldn’t calm down if both of them never equate in every terms. ‘Look here Minho, I don’t know should I trust you or not?’ he cupped his perfect jaws and glared his predator eyes pierced through my eyes. He dared my loyalty towards him and I could say it would get worse in this picture -worse than ever.
I strand my already grown hair. Leaned my back against the chair -I wanted to take this easy. If he wasn’t comfortable with me then I would make him would. I relaxed my mind, arranged my careful steps for my next move. I don’t want to hurt him. I love him -deep in my heart.
‘Jjong, if you love me then, you should trust me -but, if you don’t that’s all your own problems.’
‘I love you doesn’t mean I need to trust you with my whole life and you aren’t lie.’
‘If we don’t trust each other, how we love each other?’
‘Trust and love is not the same. Bear that in your mind, Minho.’ Did he know the meaning of love and trust? If he loved me then he should trust me. Trust began with loved and vice versa. If you hated someone you wouldn’t trust them.
---
Jonghyun was sitting near the window sill -his gazed locked at the outside. I wasn’t beside him like I always did or lover did. I knew it was snowing. Jonghyun loved those icy, exquisite snowflakes. It fell gracefully to the earth then, it would sleep eternity within the snow. It feelings could never be heard - Out there, still snowflakes wanted to stay longer in the air. Wanted people noticed them. Their nature was their destiny to fall and sleep in the snow. Just like love. Its nature to be together or alone -just like both of us. The urge I wanted to embrace him, kissed him, talk with him -wouldn’t happen. He was upset with me. Sometimes chances weren’t sweet to be taken. Chances began after you had hurt someone. The chances were the beginning the crack of a broken love. The cautious, armor and defended needed than ever. It seemed like a war -love war. Back to the main FAQs of love, “what is love?” open a dictionary and you know the definition or ask your loved parents.
Loved could be knew when you were grateful and keep on loving. That was a true love. I sipped my hot chocolate milk. The warmth of it was numb. I felt colder than before because the love that melted my coldness also cold itself.
‘Do you know why I fall in love with you Minho?’ I turned my head at the window. He didn’t look at me. Still upset with me. ‘I don’t know, maybe destiny.’ I answered it when I didn’t know his feelings at all.
‘No, it’s because I’m stupid nothing is destiny. It’s us who wanted to be what.’ The bitterness in his words made me guilt over him.
‘You know why I still love you? It’s because I’m still stupid for you. Your works make you less time with me. I’m not mad about that. I thought this vacation makes us closer to each other but, I was wrong. The gap differences between us get wider and wider. Am I right, Minho?’
Was this what we called, bye bye lover? Was our morning fight was too much influence on him? Or it was already happened since the first day? ‘Is this about our fight that morning?’ Finally he averted his gaze in my eyes. Our eyes contacted and I feel a bit happy even though the emotions he showed me didn’t resemble anything of positive feelings. At least he looked at me when we talked.
‘There’s nothing wrong with “us” but, you -Choi Minho.’
He stood up and let our small talk hang unfinished. The fault was me?
‘I’m going out for while. You don’t need to escort me. I prefer to be alone and you need your time to think what is wrong with you.’ He left me and his last concern about my attitude. I knew he still cared about me but, what is wrong with me?
‘I love you, Jonghyun.’
‘Stop it Minho.’ He climbed the stairs and left me alone with dropped temperature and my cold chocolate milk. I think I lost my appetite, him and most importantly -I lost myself.
----
Jonghyun strolled down the land of winter land. The draught made his spine frozen in frost bite. He huddled his shivered body to keep himself warmth the source of his life. Walked was one of his obstacles -the thickness of the snow rendered himself in difficulties and loss of energy rapidly due a lot consumption of it. Loitered at the vague but only covered with white dust. He mumbled under his short breath. The damp cold air made his throat sore. ‘Why I’m so upset about? Yes, I’m not happy with Minho. I’m okay if he less himself with me because of works. This holiday meant him to be more with me, attached with me not making the gap between us wider and hard for us. Well of course he had more time in his office and if he’s boring his colleagues are nice to take care of him and that’s why he gets dull with me. Why I’m so frustrating?’
The atmosphere of his surroundings got chiller and chiller -the draught was windy along the snow. It couldn’t be, his sight was blurred with white stirred snow and his mind couldn’t focus and his steps became erratically and went to the wrong path. The frustration, the coldness and being hopeless made him pray nothing would happen. Then again, he was wrong. The wind in winter wasn’t like the wind in summer. It was a sign. Desperate and pessimist he would be. The end of his life because one thing he knew was blizzard had occurred and now he was blinded by the stirred of winter’s elements, love and most importantly Minho.
The obscure way, solitary and needed for S.O.S was happened during blizzard. Screamed and yelled for someone helps. He looked around, everywhere and here to spot for safety. But, the blizzard made him lost in this world. You would felt the hopeless - there was no any chance of to live anymore. Regretted, anger, lonely, sadness, happiness and loved. These feelings would be in one word -“I’m sorry” The word meant to everyone who knew the victim. The word was said “Goodbye” in such courtesy way. Kim Jonghyun wouldn’t say it for a reason or maybe he was rather to be lost in no ends of this world than said it. The only thing in that world was whiteness.
Jonghyun was heart steeled, persisted to go through it. The world was white and along the freezing blizzard wind. He couldn’t see clearly -it was vague and the detailed was lost in whiteness and because of it, he accidentally stumbled over a rock, a hard rock. That wasn’t the story - it was after he stumbled over the rock. He fell into the ravine that he never noticed its existence and now he would die in its existence.
He didn’t blame God, he didn’t blame the blizzard all these fault were blamed to Minho. It wasn’t for him said “I’ll always by your side.” He would never blame Minho, didn’t he? Promise was promise. Nothing could be done when you were almost dying.
The last thing he could felt was the loneliness and stained of blood he smelled in the middle of white. He
was the centre of the world because of his injuries that couldn’t define which part was it. The last thing he thought was he blamed everything at Minho.
Blood
Love
Minho
Forget it.
---
I sat crossed-leg frontal the fireplace. I watched those burning ashes slowly faded into the thin air -just like our love. Which part of me that he hated most? When was it started again? I couldn’t remember. Must happen since the first day -or maybe he got hurt a lot from me but, what did I do? I scarce to know my fault and he ran from me. Nothing was going to end if he didn’t tell me my flaw. Things would be easier if he had negotiation with me or maybe, he already did try to settle this long time.
Yeah, he was concession with my works that made less with him. He was being patient with my temper. He acted nothing was happened when the truth I made him hurt shitless. He stoic his heart to love me and yet, he didn’t regret to be with me. He even made us go somewhere far and the new environment was meant for me to adapt the things I almost dropped to gingerly carried it back -carried back my love that almost faded away.
He wasn’t God, neither angel nor devil. He was mere a human being. Weak as could be, fragile than opaque glass and limited in life. He was imperfect. What made him perfect was our love. I was told again -he was mere a human. Limited in life, limited his feelings. When love was abandoned -he was abandoned. If I still not understood what was meddling between us than it wasn’t surprise if he walked out from my life because I not understood him.
He tired to wait for me. Unfair when he was the one who was suffocated. He was sick being with me who didn’t interpret the “thing” between us. Worn out to know my heart and I’m dumb not to know his heart. The fault underlying inside me was being selfish I’m. To know mended my heart but not to seek the pain who shared my love. Simple, I hurt him and that was my real fault.
The fire didn’t warmth me thoroughly. My body cringed due to the cold temperature. I stared outside the window where he previously sat there. The distinguished what he watched and what my eyes just witnessed were different. The soothing and picturesque snowflakes sprinkled down to earth abruptly transformed a sight -Snow blizzard.
I hurtled towards to the window pane. My heart thumped rapidly and pumped the blood furiously. My forehead perspired and beads of sweats started to formed. My head and heart aching just like it were in this morning. The scrupled being menace to your dearest one was one of the sins you couldn’t redeem but apologise. I couldn’t determine whether it was still noon or late evening with that swirled snow blizzard. My mind went blanked. This wasn’t the end I wanted. Tears rolled down my cheeks without my intentions. A pang of frightened inside of me was subtle. What was wrong with me?
I hurried to our room and fetched my outdoor winter complete outfit. Once I’m ready to blend in with the blizzard my movement halted in front of the main door. I grasp the door handle firmly and tightly. I pondered, would this brought us together again? Was this my utterly my second chances or my last chance? I still need him, I love him -I didn’t want to lose him. Not now, I’m too frightened to let him slipped from me. I was afraid I’m not ready any of these.
What if I’m lost same situation as he? But, if I waited him like bullshit, did it guarantee Jonghyun safely returned home? Both sides weren’t the best option to take as golden chance. Only left was prayed to God. Blessed him and graced him. My qualm I over it -strike the door opened and I emerged from the cabin and blended through the horrid phenomena. This I choose. There was no turning back or to regret. The blaze of determination ignited in my veins. I strode my way followed my intuitions, screamed his beautiful name. In quest to searched him without any idea where he was. I would do anything for him, anything even it traded with my only soul if it was meant for him.
What was wrong with me was -I was afraid to lose him.
---
The heavy snows burden my legs to walk. The wind was making me quivering in frozen. My sight blurred with vicious sprinkled snow. I need to find him at all cost -Who was going to lead me found him? I kept walked and walked till I’d lost myself wandered in the unknown whiteness. Lingered outside when blizzard came wasn’t safe to be here. I didn’t want to be selfish. I’d enough with it, I wanted him to be safe than I could be safe because the wary and anxious never left you alone when some part of you were missing and Jonghyun was part of me.
My body was ready to pass out anytime and anywhere. I persisted screamed his name and my steps became stagger -I felt so hopeless for not serious in my life. Thought the love fantasy and when reality came back to you. Now you know what was to be in your real world. Pessimist and hopeless and things began to run from you. I saw sort of a small cave, fit for a human like me to stay for a while -until God know what ever I was going to do. I dragged my weak limb and sat inside the confined cave. I brought my knees to my broad chest and buried my pallid face between the spaces of my knees and my chest.
I prayed to God endless hoped that I found Jonghyun and he was safe than what I’d hope. My eyes glistened with my tears. My cheeks damped with my salty tears. This tear was significant of my pity. Worthless in someone’s life and let him bear the consequences alone. Maybe this was the happiness I prayed all my life. This tragedy was happiness. If we together there wasn’t happiness and the best way was to let go of each other. Maybe that was the definition of happiness of my wishes. I tilted my head up and stared blankly the dancing wind like there was no life in me. My eyes caught up something. There was sort of a bulge underneath the blanket snow. My conscience spoke “Go check it out”. So, I went check it out. Firstly, I wasn’t sure what was the thing covered with snow. I crouched down and swept the icy snow away from the thing.
I was taken aback what I just saw -my pray granted, mostly because I found the missing part of me. But he was almost dying. I carried him bridal style and returned back to the cave I’d spotted. My warmed contact made him flinched and I was grateful he was still breathing and that was the first signaled he wasn’t died. I scanned his appearance -the pale, cold face, the trembled body and oozed blood the fresh gore bleed from his right leg. It caused by a sharp blade stick gouge through his leg. It was continuously bleeding and if I didn’t act fast he would die in blood loss. I touched his immense wound. He winced fraught with excruciating pain. The wound was too deep for me to heal him for a brief. If I waited the blizzard stopped Jonghyun’s life was severe. I also couldn’t see a single thing with this situation right now.
Seeing him in this vulnerable state and tortured. As like my heart been crashed -I pulled his limb into my embraced. This was the only thing I could make him, gave him the warmth. Lapse the coldness and lived in my protective arms or so I hope. ‘Minho, is that you?’ Finally he spoke stuttered. ‘Yeah, it’s me babe. Don’t worry we’ll get through this. We just will.’ I wouldn’t dare promises him. Enough with the vain of my lies he burden all the time.
‘I’m sorry Minho, I’m sorry. Don’t leave me. I’m hurting. I love you.’ His voice got chocked with his sobs. I fondled his dark brown hair and laid my chin on his head. He gripped my sides dear tightly as his life was on me. ‘It’s not your fault baby, is me you can blame. I love you too.’
‘I thought I can’t see you again. I was scared alone outside. I-I love you Minho. Just before I die I wanted to spend the last moment with you no one only you. No matter how much pain or love you bring to me -it’ll never change that I’m still in love with you, because I’m stupid to love you -always.’ ‘What’re you talking about Jjong?’ ‘The blood, I can feel I’m dying without blood. I know my body so well. I am hardly to see things clearly even us.’
‘No, no you aren’t going to die! I’m going to save you.’
I position my left hand on his arm and carefully put my other hand under his thigh. I looked at his fester leg. It was getting worse than ever -the blood pooled under his boot -the crimson red blood. I looked Jonghyun’s face white as snow. His eyes open half lidded, his blue hue purplish smiled lips - smiled to the last. He tried his best to make me not to worry. He was suffering he still wanted the best for me. What more I could feel gratitude at him? Now I know people was hard to forget their first love. The liberty, you gave the love with all your heart and soul without warns. The innocence love and the sacrifice love.
I carried him gingerly not to hurt him especially his injured leg. I walked inside the mad blizzard. His blood trickled down and splayed on the white pave. My body couldn’t hold the strength. My energy was used a lot when I searched for him. The energy was lapse for heated my body but, I kept walked and carried him till what I wanted was found.
‘Minho, I don’t think both of us can make it. Just save you that is more important. I’m already dying. I’ve no hope to live. There’s happiness for you if you don’t let me go.’ He talked gibberish.
It was normal for people who believed there was no hope. Isn’t?
‘What’re you talking about? We go through everything together and that’s final. No one is leaving behind till we needed to do it.’
‘Don’t to be so innocent with love. In the end you’ll get hurt.’
‘Says who?’
‘Says me, Minho’
Whatever he wanted to say I wasn’t to give up so easily.
---
Things gotten intricate -Jonghyun slept in my arms. It was relief that I could save him but, who was going to save me? My mind was fogging and the snow draught through me and my head kept replayed the snow blizzard over and over again. I thought I was going to die, because my vision turned blank, dark pitch where am I? A gleaming light at the corner shine in this darkness. Was that heaven? Am I already dead? Could I meet Jonghyun there?
‘Hey mister, are you awake?’ I could hear an angel voice. The warmth surrounded me. I was totally lived
in the heaven. ‘Brother, the guy is awaking! I mean the tall guy!’ What was this angel babbling about? And ouch, my head throbbed a lot I thought it was going to explode.
‘He awake, that is a good thing but the other guy still in the ICU passed out.’ What Other guy and ICU? What are they talking about? And who the hell were they? Angel or devil? I opened my eyes -the lights in the room blinded my eyes. I blinked my eyes rapidly adapt the amount of light I received. A pair of silhouette of men on my both side were the talking people. The smell in this place was neutral scent and the vibrated noisy machine -this wasn’t heaven for real. This was a hospital.
I widened my doe eyes and sat up like a zombie from death. My action scared a boy beside me. He stepped backward from me. Avoid any attack from me. I turned my head other side -a man wore a white coat and a stethoscope dangled around his neck. He must be the doctor and the boy was?
‘Where am I, hospital?’ I asked the smiled doctor. He answered it cheerfully like it was fun to see me in despair. ‘You’re a lucky person. You got survived in that blizzard. That boy next to you just saved you and your friend and he brought both of you for medical treatment. Unfortunately your friend was in critical situation. The amount loss of blood and his wound got infected and did he tell you that he had anemia?’ Just this doctor mumbled about Jonghyun?
‘What’re you talking about? I can’t understand doc.’ I pressed my temple. My headache made my mind swirled around. I need a good explanation about this. Please doctor.
‘Umm…based your ID your name is Choi Minho. So, Minho-sshi what I’m saying is your friend, Kim
Jonghyun is dying.’ The statement was a slapped on my face. Jonghyun was dying?
What cruel joke you played with me doctor. Good one doctor. I stared at his name tag. Lee Jinki, his name was Lee Jinki.
“Doctor Lee you’re joking right? The wound is making him dying. That is just too cruel.’
He shook his head and frowned. In his eye were saying “I’m not joking”.
‘I checked him and I found out that he had this anemia and that wound just make him lost a lot amount of blood. And you know how vital is the red blood is.’
Everything was come to halt. He was dying, literally. I jumped off from the bed and headed to the exit of this room but, the doctor shoved me back on my bed. I sat there with disbelief, Jonghyun was dying and I-I didn’t know the slightest idea he had this anemia. I looked up pleaded the doctor. ‘Let me see him.’ The listless face he gave me wasn’t I hoped most.
‘I’m sorry you aren’t allowed yet to see him. Let a day or two passed and if there any good improvement I will tell you.’
He patted my shoulder and pursed his lips into a reassured smile. I wouldn’t calm down if he was dying alone and I couldn’t do anything for him.
‘I need to see him doctor. I love him so much. I just can’t lose him yet. I’m begging you doctor let me see him.’ He shook his head again as “no” and he gestured the boy who saved me to come here with both of us.
‘Taemin, I have faith on you to take care Minho-sshi. I need to re-check his friend whether he’s okay or not.’ ‘Okay brother.’ This kid was related with the doctor.
‘Minho-sshi, don’t worry too much about him I’ll take good care of him.’
Don’t worry. He was one a witty guy. The doctor emerged from this room to check on Jonghyun.
‘Hey Taemin, will you stop worry if your brother is dying?’ Taemin knitted his eyebrow and frowned. I waited for his reply. ‘I will be worried like mad if he’s dying and because he’s my brother and I love him. There’s no way I stop worry about him. I care about him.’ I smirked and plopped down myself on the bed.
‘That’s how it felt when your love one is dying. You just can’t stop worry about them, because you love
them too much and you’ll worry them too much.’
---
It was been a week I’d been in this unknown hospital and I got a bit attached with this boy and the doctor. Both of them were the only people I trusted most. Taemin told me how he coincide met me sprawled on the white ground while he was running down the hill with his dog and he found me frozen on the ground. He told me the snow blizzard ended a day after it happened. How miracle that both of us still alive. Taemin was kind of delirious happy that I was still alive but, he wasn’t sure about Jonghyun. He was fighting for his life right now.
‘Taemin, do you want to go with me see Jonghyun?’
He was busied read the story book Jinki gave him not to make him bored. He looked up and beamed me his innocent smile at me and retorted.
‘Sure, you missed him.’
He closed his book and put it aside on the nightstand near him and stood up waited for me to get off
from the bed.
Both of us are inside Jonghyun’s ward. Taemin eagerly indulged himself watched outside the window from this room. I agreed that the view from here quite beautiful. What was more beautiful from here was him -Jonghyun composure face while asleep, nothing could compare the beautiful he held. I grazed his soft cheeks and smiled as he could see me as he was staring at me.
The beeped sound of the heart machine rate in this ward agitated my heart. Jinki told me that he wouldn’t wake up from his coma and the best thing to do was to wait his family decided whether he should live in coma or rest in peace. This was too much punishment for Jonghyun. I wanted him in peace, so he could live his life in serenity. Go away agony. I swore to God I didn’t want to let him go yet. Our happiness came if we separated, if we let go of each other and how possible was that?
I need someone to help me. Said that what I was doing was for better or worse.
‘Taemin, what I’m doing is for good right?’ Taemin jerked off and swiveled at me.
‘What’re you saying?’ This kid was no nothing about us. No nothing about how much love I was for Jonghyun.
‘I wanted to end his life.’ I was frankly with him. Never ever lied a kid.
‘But, brother told me that his family to decided it. You can’t do it. His family loves him.’
Taemin was trying to protest my decision. But, this was meant for us.
‘If you love your brother, will you let him suffer or happy.’ I always questioned this boy’s devotion towards his brother. You just couldn’t stop questioned people when they were trying to stop what you were doing because you wanted to let them know how it felt to be like you.
Taemin bit his lower lip and stared down the white tiles. Even himself had though time to reply my question, about someone who was important to you.
‘I will do anything to make my brother happy.’
He looked back at me -I genuinely smiled and said
‘That is my reason Taemin. When you love someone you wanted the happiness for them and Jonghyun
will get one if I let him go. You let someone go because you love them. And he will be happy with that.’
Finally, I flicked off the machine’s switch and it died and same as to Jonghyun. He wasn’t died he was living in a better place. I let out my feelings. This was the happiness that we all waited for. I’d let go off him.
‘I love you Minho.’ The whispered from his soul made me a little light up.
He was happy then I would be happy too.
---
After Jonghyun’s death, things get better for me. The whole time of being lonely wasn’t matter at all because I belief that he was watching me from his better place and I wouldn’t ever show my depression
to him. I got healthy from a long convalesce in the hospital with expansive people around you made you lived back.
I missed the whining Taemin and the klutz doctor Jinki. Hey, this was the life you met and you bid farewell. Nothing was life without these.
I was in the cabin, the cabin held memories of life and death with Jonghyun -the one who I love. In the room, I packed the stuff we left during the treatment in the hospital. The clothes and stuff I neatly packed in the travel bag and everything was done. I put the bags outside the cabin and ready to return my home. It was mine and Jonghyun’s apartment since he wasn’t here it would be mined from now on.
I checked again the cabin. Made sure everything had been packed up. Wait, I saw a book on the nightstand. It was a journal but, I didn’t remember I’d one of this. Maybe this was Jonghyun, it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I read it. So, without hesitation I nonchalantly read his journal like I owned it.
Dear Journal (I hadn’t thought about your name yet)
This holiday I tried to made Minho surprise. In the same time I tried to break up with him. Why so sudden? It was because I didn’t want him to know that I’d some killing disease -anemia. It was fatal as the doctor told me. The percentage to live was slightly to 1%-2% there was no hope. The blood supply and everything was too late. I wasn’t alert I’d this crazy anemia. Well, if I was going to die, I wanted Minho to not involve with me in this. I just didn’t want him mourning about me, murky his feelings because of me. I couldn’t rest in peace if he kept made me guilt all over him. But I didn’t know what I’m going to plan. I would try to break his heart, made him hate me till there was no love between us. Was this too cruel for him? I didn’t know I just wanted his happiness for him. I wanted him felt contented with his life I didn’t want my death made him lose and I didn’t want him worry too much about me because he needed to worry about himself. What he would do after my lost, would he found a replacement for him? Was he going to be happy what I made? What was it I just wanted him to be happy. Smile to the last. Hahaha… as if he was the one who was going to die soon.
-Kim Jonghyun-
All those time was for my happiness. I knew it there was nothing wrong with us. It was me who was wrong. What should I do after this? I would let that God decided my fate, right now I wanted to be who I was. To feel the happiness Jonghyun had sacrificed.
Ensue this I would like to give you a visit at where you sleep there for eternal.
From: Your Secret Santa
Title: Snowy Love
Pairing: Minho/Jonghyun
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 7,371
Summary: People expected romantic snow holiday, but they never expected the expectation of the truth behind their romantic snow holiday.
I always wondered -was this the reality I wanted? Saw you lifeless underneath the crust of the earth. I poised stood on the Earth with pang. I stood under you -such bewildered feelings and maybe you could see the sustained I bear -scrupled engulf within my lonely heart. Did love really was blind?
---
I was busied myself fed the warm fire in the chimney with log woods that already served before we stepped into this snug, homely cabin. I intensely watched those smoldering little ashes soared to the outside -ice world. Since I had missed my birthday, my boyfriend -Jonghyun, tried to recover back my neglected birthday by celebrated somewhere that was blanketed by snow dust.
He told me this was his present of devotion and appreciation for me -but I knew what he meant about this present. Regarded his first present -for 2 years in this love relationship -all I know his presents more likely to satisfaction or my favourite stuff to do with him but, he wouldn’t willed to do it and one
of that classified in my stuff.
This year present considered -well, sweet romance love like in Switzerland. He was born to be a romance heart -all those feelings he smothered on his lucky lyrics papers. He never showed it to me because he was expecting me to be the romantic one -those cheesy yet, heart stealer lines I always said, it was as much like a routine to me as if I couldn’t show anything than that. I blamed my daily job, obscure my love for him -even it didn’t bother me, I thought it would be still the same -I would say cheesy lines for him.
As I was saying, he was expecting something romantic from me like old proverbs said “actions speak louder than words” or so like that. I’m helpless in this sweet for good nothing like Romeo always did to his Juliette. I knew how to be girl’s dream guy -but, I never thought outside of the box how to be guy’s dream guy?
He knew how to do it and I just situated myself in same shoe as he. He kissed me, I kissed him back, and he hugged me, I hugged him back -it was like you threw a ball to the wall and it ricocheted back to you. I never good in romance -I didn’t say I don’t know about it, I said I’m not good with it.
Jonghyun was already romantic like Romeo and I couldn’t be romantic just like that Romeo guy. My romantic level was same as the others normal guy -with normal life, normal love and everything that was normal to them and me. The day I met him, he was like a book character from children’s favourite story even to adults keen. He appeared after me with his -maybe his gifted talent, I guess. That I would never possessed it. Maybe that was the reason I loved him and he wanted to show his talent of love more for me -so I would never left him because my favourite about him, his romance and himself.
When you found something that you longed for it -never let it go. What happened if, we less interest with it not lost it -because that word seemed a bit cruel to me. ‘Choi Minho, are you done yet with the fire? If you are, how about lend me your hand so, we can have dinner early. The weather sure makes me hungry.’ His voice came from the kitchen gave me knuckles from my trance. And I forgot to say he also good at cooking. Lucky me I found someone who was the type of mine. Independent people titled it. I walked to the kitchen where he tiptoed on the floor busied fumbled his hand inside the cabinet looked for something -to be precisely our dinner. ‘You can start by helping me find the ingredients I need inside this high cabinet. Do you mind?’ He turned around, raised an eyebrow at me and all I could do is grinned like a Fool.
I forgot he had plights with his height I wrapped my long slender hands around his cured waist and gave him a lift up. He was wiggling in my arms and screamed out of his lungs. ‘Yah, Choi Minho! What the hell are you doing? Put me down this instant!’ He pinched my forearm - I know he loved me did this. ‘You asked me to lend you a hand. So, I lend it for you.’ He smacked my hands with his hard knuckles, but the pain was numb almost ticklish tickle to me. Am I romantic?
‘Minho put me down now!’
‘Found what you want babe?’
‘They’re not in here okay, put me down you freak alien 6 feet tall!’ I released him from my embrace.
He pouted like a cute brat and I loved his childish side. He puffed his cheeks shaded with pink blush and his puppy eyes narrowed deathly at me. I chuckled softly. He really was a spoiled lover. He swiveled himself avoided from me. Maybe he was too much given attention from me and I thought he was literally a brat. I should stop made fun of his height. ‘Hey babe, you know I don’t like when you sulking over me. Okay, I’m sorry for act like bloody hell moron. Will you forgive me babe?’I embraced him from his back and placed a chaste kiss on his crook. His sweet smell bubble bath made me dazed with him. He turned and faced with me and pulled my neck forwarded to his plump lips. The way he kissed me was alluring and lustful. Instinctively, my hands on his hips -our body clashed together like a magnet and the heat surrounding us rose abruptly. Then he shoved me and smirked seductively. He purred at my sensitive ear ‘let’s eat dinner inside our room.’ He finished his words and licked it like an ice-cream and with that he vanished from my sight and idly walked to our room with his tantalized expression plastered on his wanton face. My eyes trailed every single of his steps till his presence locked inside the room. The night was still young and it was going to be a long night for both of us. I chuckled in satisfaction -today’s dinner menu was Kim
Jonghyun.
---
The sun ray of fresh morning seeped through the curtains window and shone directly on my face. I fluttered my sleepy eyes -I rubbed my swollen, tired eyes and rose up my half naked body, leaned against the headboard of this bed.
I looked beside me -a petite, fragile body slept silently, like an angel. His soft features like there was nothing to care about in this world. Only his sweet dreams reeled inside his mind. Last night wasn’t rough or passionate like I always did with him. Yesterday was different -I wanted to cherish every single part that belonged to him. The delicate, smooth skin of him and the music of lust recorded in my head and rewind it whenever I felt alone.
My hands never stay still as it should be. My pervert hands crept and harassed my dear beautiful boyfriend face. His plump fat, red lips -without intentions I suddenly flicked his allured lips. Maybe my actions woke him from his slumber and took for a while for him to bring his soul in reality. His half lidded eye, genuinely smile and his morning voice after night. ‘Good morning Minho.’ He shifted his position till our body contacted each other. He wrapped his arms around my neck. Cling on me -kissed my lips slowly but, passionately. My morning kisses never lacked of his sincerity. We parted the kiss and our mind lost inside each other eyes. This feeling, the feeling of blissful - the contented heart filled the gaps of vacancy by our pure love. I promised myself that I always by his side. ‘Minho, what’re you planning for today event?’ My soul always flew somewhere else because of him and I felt so high with him. His question brought back my soul. ‘Sorry babe, what did you said?’ He pouted because I didn’t listen what he said and that was no, no for him or you would be sorry for yourself.
‘Minho, I made this honeymoon because I want your attentions on me not someone else outside here! Why couldn’t you understand a bit our relationship? We rarely spend together in the city and now you make it harder. What are you trying to do Minho? Since yesterday you acted like there’s a girl in your freakin’ brain!’ He shouted in wrath -he kicked the half covered duvet of his naked body and picked up his lost boxer on the floor and wore it. He didn’t budge to glance over his shoulder for me. Because I never did what he wanted and I knew how pissed it was.
He slammed the door harshly. My world and his world separated not because of the door but because of me. I combed my tousled hair with my bare fingers -My head felt the pain and it surely from the headache. How I’m going to coax him that I love him? Apologise, kisses and sex never paid off the pain in his heart and in my head if, I kept myself into the endless sky.
I need him so much as he needed me. Albeit, I need to confront this trivial silly lovers strife before it changed as cold as today’s weather. I saw him. He was serving the breakfast as usual. As I always said he was kind. No matter how many I dispute with him -he never forgot me, never left me incomplete because, he loved me and he could concession any fault from me but, I never pleasant with his fault. I threw my fit at him, scolded at him like his sin would never redeem back -We were different. Like yin and yang, black and white, earth and sky, girl and boy or maybe not. Both of us were born as boy and both of us were boy. We were same in physical appearances but, not in heart. It was indisputably that we were different -and that was the reason we loved each other.
I was standing at the corner of the staircase. From this spot I saw everything within him. He sat down on the dine table -his imperturbable face stared blankly on his plate. I didn’t know what was on the menu but, I thought it was sunny side and bacon mould into a happy face -ironically both of us didn’t feel the same way.
I strode my way towards that place. Silly for both of us, quarreled over my stupidity and his jealousy. I lugged the chair from the table. The trundled of the chair brought his attention -his movement halted, his eyes met with mine. I could felt the strained and awkward atmosphere pervade between us. I barely sit down with him. He was confounded with my sudden appearances. His stonily stare and the taut lips were the signs. “Leave me alone” I could hear his mind spoke to me. My gaze averted on the wooden floor. My cowardice not braved enough to face the problems. The venom, discontented, heartless words spitted out and the remorse for slipped the taboo curses so easily. I didn’t want this reality from him. I might erupting in matter of time if he did -I wanted to protect my pride never wanted to protect him or biased him than myself. My worthless promises “I love you more than anyone” it was a lie, I love more myself than him -True or false it depended on my loyalty towards him.
‘Good morning Minho, I make pancakes today and chocolate fudge.’ He nonchalantly told me. Did he forgot our argument and chuck it out? Maybe, he didn’t want to exaggerate the faults. I knew he hated to bring the past as our topic. It was better act as it never happened than accused each self. I sat down the chair I grasp for so long. My sight curdled from the solid, plain wooden floor to sweet, bright person that I loved most.
‘Minho, I’m sorry what just happened. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. I was curious and tinge of jealous pang inside me -because you’re day dreaming a lot and I don’t know what was in your mind that time. Anything could be. Maybe you’re thinking about your family, friends, work or maybe your colleague’s affair you secretly hide from my back. I don’t like when I’m talking, having sex or being idly together -you lost your thought in space of yours and it hurts me when you do that. I fucking hate it.’
First word of swearing approached in our small chat. How should I said, I lost myself because of him. Everything was him. I was intoxicated with him and I regret when he thought it contrary. I need to clarify the misunderstood he had.
‘Jjong, I never hide anything from you. I always love you -it’s not wrong to think about you all the time, right? ‘He scoffed and rolled his eyes, taunting my truth statement. Both parties wouldn’t calm down if both of them never equate in every terms. ‘Look here Minho, I don’t know should I trust you or not?’ he cupped his perfect jaws and glared his predator eyes pierced through my eyes. He dared my loyalty towards him and I could say it would get worse in this picture -worse than ever.
I strand my already grown hair. Leaned my back against the chair -I wanted to take this easy. If he wasn’t comfortable with me then I would make him would. I relaxed my mind, arranged my careful steps for my next move. I don’t want to hurt him. I love him -deep in my heart.
‘Jjong, if you love me then, you should trust me -but, if you don’t that’s all your own problems.’
‘I love you doesn’t mean I need to trust you with my whole life and you aren’t lie.’
‘If we don’t trust each other, how we love each other?’
‘Trust and love is not the same. Bear that in your mind, Minho.’ Did he know the meaning of love and trust? If he loved me then he should trust me. Trust began with loved and vice versa. If you hated someone you wouldn’t trust them.
---
Jonghyun was sitting near the window sill -his gazed locked at the outside. I wasn’t beside him like I always did or lover did. I knew it was snowing. Jonghyun loved those icy, exquisite snowflakes. It fell gracefully to the earth then, it would sleep eternity within the snow. It feelings could never be heard - Out there, still snowflakes wanted to stay longer in the air. Wanted people noticed them. Their nature was their destiny to fall and sleep in the snow. Just like love. Its nature to be together or alone -just like both of us. The urge I wanted to embrace him, kissed him, talk with him -wouldn’t happen. He was upset with me. Sometimes chances weren’t sweet to be taken. Chances began after you had hurt someone. The chances were the beginning the crack of a broken love. The cautious, armor and defended needed than ever. It seemed like a war -love war. Back to the main FAQs of love, “what is love?” open a dictionary and you know the definition or ask your loved parents.
Loved could be knew when you were grateful and keep on loving. That was a true love. I sipped my hot chocolate milk. The warmth of it was numb. I felt colder than before because the love that melted my coldness also cold itself.
‘Do you know why I fall in love with you Minho?’ I turned my head at the window. He didn’t look at me. Still upset with me. ‘I don’t know, maybe destiny.’ I answered it when I didn’t know his feelings at all.
‘No, it’s because I’m stupid nothing is destiny. It’s us who wanted to be what.’ The bitterness in his words made me guilt over him.
‘You know why I still love you? It’s because I’m still stupid for you. Your works make you less time with me. I’m not mad about that. I thought this vacation makes us closer to each other but, I was wrong. The gap differences between us get wider and wider. Am I right, Minho?’
Was this what we called, bye bye lover? Was our morning fight was too much influence on him? Or it was already happened since the first day? ‘Is this about our fight that morning?’ Finally he averted his gaze in my eyes. Our eyes contacted and I feel a bit happy even though the emotions he showed me didn’t resemble anything of positive feelings. At least he looked at me when we talked.
‘There’s nothing wrong with “us” but, you -Choi Minho.’
He stood up and let our small talk hang unfinished. The fault was me?
‘I’m going out for while. You don’t need to escort me. I prefer to be alone and you need your time to think what is wrong with you.’ He left me and his last concern about my attitude. I knew he still cared about me but, what is wrong with me?
‘I love you, Jonghyun.’
‘Stop it Minho.’ He climbed the stairs and left me alone with dropped temperature and my cold chocolate milk. I think I lost my appetite, him and most importantly -I lost myself.
----
Jonghyun strolled down the land of winter land. The draught made his spine frozen in frost bite. He huddled his shivered body to keep himself warmth the source of his life. Walked was one of his obstacles -the thickness of the snow rendered himself in difficulties and loss of energy rapidly due a lot consumption of it. Loitered at the vague but only covered with white dust. He mumbled under his short breath. The damp cold air made his throat sore. ‘Why I’m so upset about? Yes, I’m not happy with Minho. I’m okay if he less himself with me because of works. This holiday meant him to be more with me, attached with me not making the gap between us wider and hard for us. Well of course he had more time in his office and if he’s boring his colleagues are nice to take care of him and that’s why he gets dull with me. Why I’m so frustrating?’
The atmosphere of his surroundings got chiller and chiller -the draught was windy along the snow. It couldn’t be, his sight was blurred with white stirred snow and his mind couldn’t focus and his steps became erratically and went to the wrong path. The frustration, the coldness and being hopeless made him pray nothing would happen. Then again, he was wrong. The wind in winter wasn’t like the wind in summer. It was a sign. Desperate and pessimist he would be. The end of his life because one thing he knew was blizzard had occurred and now he was blinded by the stirred of winter’s elements, love and most importantly Minho.
The obscure way, solitary and needed for S.O.S was happened during blizzard. Screamed and yelled for someone helps. He looked around, everywhere and here to spot for safety. But, the blizzard made him lost in this world. You would felt the hopeless - there was no any chance of to live anymore. Regretted, anger, lonely, sadness, happiness and loved. These feelings would be in one word -“I’m sorry” The word meant to everyone who knew the victim. The word was said “Goodbye” in such courtesy way. Kim Jonghyun wouldn’t say it for a reason or maybe he was rather to be lost in no ends of this world than said it. The only thing in that world was whiteness.
Jonghyun was heart steeled, persisted to go through it. The world was white and along the freezing blizzard wind. He couldn’t see clearly -it was vague and the detailed was lost in whiteness and because of it, he accidentally stumbled over a rock, a hard rock. That wasn’t the story - it was after he stumbled over the rock. He fell into the ravine that he never noticed its existence and now he would die in its existence.
He didn’t blame God, he didn’t blame the blizzard all these fault were blamed to Minho. It wasn’t for him said “I’ll always by your side.” He would never blame Minho, didn’t he? Promise was promise. Nothing could be done when you were almost dying.
The last thing he could felt was the loneliness and stained of blood he smelled in the middle of white. He
was the centre of the world because of his injuries that couldn’t define which part was it. The last thing he thought was he blamed everything at Minho.
Blood
Love
Minho
Forget it.
---
I sat crossed-leg frontal the fireplace. I watched those burning ashes slowly faded into the thin air -just like our love. Which part of me that he hated most? When was it started again? I couldn’t remember. Must happen since the first day -or maybe he got hurt a lot from me but, what did I do? I scarce to know my fault and he ran from me. Nothing was going to end if he didn’t tell me my flaw. Things would be easier if he had negotiation with me or maybe, he already did try to settle this long time.
Yeah, he was concession with my works that made less with him. He was being patient with my temper. He acted nothing was happened when the truth I made him hurt shitless. He stoic his heart to love me and yet, he didn’t regret to be with me. He even made us go somewhere far and the new environment was meant for me to adapt the things I almost dropped to gingerly carried it back -carried back my love that almost faded away.
He wasn’t God, neither angel nor devil. He was mere a human being. Weak as could be, fragile than opaque glass and limited in life. He was imperfect. What made him perfect was our love. I was told again -he was mere a human. Limited in life, limited his feelings. When love was abandoned -he was abandoned. If I still not understood what was meddling between us than it wasn’t surprise if he walked out from my life because I not understood him.
He tired to wait for me. Unfair when he was the one who was suffocated. He was sick being with me who didn’t interpret the “thing” between us. Worn out to know my heart and I’m dumb not to know his heart. The fault underlying inside me was being selfish I’m. To know mended my heart but not to seek the pain who shared my love. Simple, I hurt him and that was my real fault.
The fire didn’t warmth me thoroughly. My body cringed due to the cold temperature. I stared outside the window where he previously sat there. The distinguished what he watched and what my eyes just witnessed were different. The soothing and picturesque snowflakes sprinkled down to earth abruptly transformed a sight -Snow blizzard.
I hurtled towards to the window pane. My heart thumped rapidly and pumped the blood furiously. My forehead perspired and beads of sweats started to formed. My head and heart aching just like it were in this morning. The scrupled being menace to your dearest one was one of the sins you couldn’t redeem but apologise. I couldn’t determine whether it was still noon or late evening with that swirled snow blizzard. My mind went blanked. This wasn’t the end I wanted. Tears rolled down my cheeks without my intentions. A pang of frightened inside of me was subtle. What was wrong with me?
I hurried to our room and fetched my outdoor winter complete outfit. Once I’m ready to blend in with the blizzard my movement halted in front of the main door. I grasp the door handle firmly and tightly. I pondered, would this brought us together again? Was this my utterly my second chances or my last chance? I still need him, I love him -I didn’t want to lose him. Not now, I’m too frightened to let him slipped from me. I was afraid I’m not ready any of these.
What if I’m lost same situation as he? But, if I waited him like bullshit, did it guarantee Jonghyun safely returned home? Both sides weren’t the best option to take as golden chance. Only left was prayed to God. Blessed him and graced him. My qualm I over it -strike the door opened and I emerged from the cabin and blended through the horrid phenomena. This I choose. There was no turning back or to regret. The blaze of determination ignited in my veins. I strode my way followed my intuitions, screamed his beautiful name. In quest to searched him without any idea where he was. I would do anything for him, anything even it traded with my only soul if it was meant for him.
What was wrong with me was -I was afraid to lose him.
---
The heavy snows burden my legs to walk. The wind was making me quivering in frozen. My sight blurred with vicious sprinkled snow. I need to find him at all cost -Who was going to lead me found him? I kept walked and walked till I’d lost myself wandered in the unknown whiteness. Lingered outside when blizzard came wasn’t safe to be here. I didn’t want to be selfish. I’d enough with it, I wanted him to be safe than I could be safe because the wary and anxious never left you alone when some part of you were missing and Jonghyun was part of me.
My body was ready to pass out anytime and anywhere. I persisted screamed his name and my steps became stagger -I felt so hopeless for not serious in my life. Thought the love fantasy and when reality came back to you. Now you know what was to be in your real world. Pessimist and hopeless and things began to run from you. I saw sort of a small cave, fit for a human like me to stay for a while -until God know what ever I was going to do. I dragged my weak limb and sat inside the confined cave. I brought my knees to my broad chest and buried my pallid face between the spaces of my knees and my chest.
I prayed to God endless hoped that I found Jonghyun and he was safe than what I’d hope. My eyes glistened with my tears. My cheeks damped with my salty tears. This tear was significant of my pity. Worthless in someone’s life and let him bear the consequences alone. Maybe this was the happiness I prayed all my life. This tragedy was happiness. If we together there wasn’t happiness and the best way was to let go of each other. Maybe that was the definition of happiness of my wishes. I tilted my head up and stared blankly the dancing wind like there was no life in me. My eyes caught up something. There was sort of a bulge underneath the blanket snow. My conscience spoke “Go check it out”. So, I went check it out. Firstly, I wasn’t sure what was the thing covered with snow. I crouched down and swept the icy snow away from the thing.
I was taken aback what I just saw -my pray granted, mostly because I found the missing part of me. But he was almost dying. I carried him bridal style and returned back to the cave I’d spotted. My warmed contact made him flinched and I was grateful he was still breathing and that was the first signaled he wasn’t died. I scanned his appearance -the pale, cold face, the trembled body and oozed blood the fresh gore bleed from his right leg. It caused by a sharp blade stick gouge through his leg. It was continuously bleeding and if I didn’t act fast he would die in blood loss. I touched his immense wound. He winced fraught with excruciating pain. The wound was too deep for me to heal him for a brief. If I waited the blizzard stopped Jonghyun’s life was severe. I also couldn’t see a single thing with this situation right now.
Seeing him in this vulnerable state and tortured. As like my heart been crashed -I pulled his limb into my embraced. This was the only thing I could make him, gave him the warmth. Lapse the coldness and lived in my protective arms or so I hope. ‘Minho, is that you?’ Finally he spoke stuttered. ‘Yeah, it’s me babe. Don’t worry we’ll get through this. We just will.’ I wouldn’t dare promises him. Enough with the vain of my lies he burden all the time.
‘I’m sorry Minho, I’m sorry. Don’t leave me. I’m hurting. I love you.’ His voice got chocked with his sobs. I fondled his dark brown hair and laid my chin on his head. He gripped my sides dear tightly as his life was on me. ‘It’s not your fault baby, is me you can blame. I love you too.’
‘I thought I can’t see you again. I was scared alone outside. I-I love you Minho. Just before I die I wanted to spend the last moment with you no one only you. No matter how much pain or love you bring to me -it’ll never change that I’m still in love with you, because I’m stupid to love you -always.’ ‘What’re you talking about Jjong?’ ‘The blood, I can feel I’m dying without blood. I know my body so well. I am hardly to see things clearly even us.’
‘No, no you aren’t going to die! I’m going to save you.’
I position my left hand on his arm and carefully put my other hand under his thigh. I looked at his fester leg. It was getting worse than ever -the blood pooled under his boot -the crimson red blood. I looked Jonghyun’s face white as snow. His eyes open half lidded, his blue hue purplish smiled lips - smiled to the last. He tried his best to make me not to worry. He was suffering he still wanted the best for me. What more I could feel gratitude at him? Now I know people was hard to forget their first love. The liberty, you gave the love with all your heart and soul without warns. The innocence love and the sacrifice love.
I carried him gingerly not to hurt him especially his injured leg. I walked inside the mad blizzard. His blood trickled down and splayed on the white pave. My body couldn’t hold the strength. My energy was used a lot when I searched for him. The energy was lapse for heated my body but, I kept walked and carried him till what I wanted was found.
‘Minho, I don’t think both of us can make it. Just save you that is more important. I’m already dying. I’ve no hope to live. There’s happiness for you if you don’t let me go.’ He talked gibberish.
It was normal for people who believed there was no hope. Isn’t?
‘What’re you talking about? We go through everything together and that’s final. No one is leaving behind till we needed to do it.’
‘Don’t to be so innocent with love. In the end you’ll get hurt.’
‘Says who?’
‘Says me, Minho’
Whatever he wanted to say I wasn’t to give up so easily.
---
Things gotten intricate -Jonghyun slept in my arms. It was relief that I could save him but, who was going to save me? My mind was fogging and the snow draught through me and my head kept replayed the snow blizzard over and over again. I thought I was going to die, because my vision turned blank, dark pitch where am I? A gleaming light at the corner shine in this darkness. Was that heaven? Am I already dead? Could I meet Jonghyun there?
‘Hey mister, are you awake?’ I could hear an angel voice. The warmth surrounded me. I was totally lived
in the heaven. ‘Brother, the guy is awaking! I mean the tall guy!’ What was this angel babbling about? And ouch, my head throbbed a lot I thought it was going to explode.
‘He awake, that is a good thing but the other guy still in the ICU passed out.’ What Other guy and ICU? What are they talking about? And who the hell were they? Angel or devil? I opened my eyes -the lights in the room blinded my eyes. I blinked my eyes rapidly adapt the amount of light I received. A pair of silhouette of men on my both side were the talking people. The smell in this place was neutral scent and the vibrated noisy machine -this wasn’t heaven for real. This was a hospital.
I widened my doe eyes and sat up like a zombie from death. My action scared a boy beside me. He stepped backward from me. Avoid any attack from me. I turned my head other side -a man wore a white coat and a stethoscope dangled around his neck. He must be the doctor and the boy was?
‘Where am I, hospital?’ I asked the smiled doctor. He answered it cheerfully like it was fun to see me in despair. ‘You’re a lucky person. You got survived in that blizzard. That boy next to you just saved you and your friend and he brought both of you for medical treatment. Unfortunately your friend was in critical situation. The amount loss of blood and his wound got infected and did he tell you that he had anemia?’ Just this doctor mumbled about Jonghyun?
‘What’re you talking about? I can’t understand doc.’ I pressed my temple. My headache made my mind swirled around. I need a good explanation about this. Please doctor.
‘Umm…based your ID your name is Choi Minho. So, Minho-sshi what I’m saying is your friend, Kim
Jonghyun is dying.’ The statement was a slapped on my face. Jonghyun was dying?
What cruel joke you played with me doctor. Good one doctor. I stared at his name tag. Lee Jinki, his name was Lee Jinki.
“Doctor Lee you’re joking right? The wound is making him dying. That is just too cruel.’
He shook his head and frowned. In his eye were saying “I’m not joking”.
‘I checked him and I found out that he had this anemia and that wound just make him lost a lot amount of blood. And you know how vital is the red blood is.’
Everything was come to halt. He was dying, literally. I jumped off from the bed and headed to the exit of this room but, the doctor shoved me back on my bed. I sat there with disbelief, Jonghyun was dying and I-I didn’t know the slightest idea he had this anemia. I looked up pleaded the doctor. ‘Let me see him.’ The listless face he gave me wasn’t I hoped most.
‘I’m sorry you aren’t allowed yet to see him. Let a day or two passed and if there any good improvement I will tell you.’
He patted my shoulder and pursed his lips into a reassured smile. I wouldn’t calm down if he was dying alone and I couldn’t do anything for him.
‘I need to see him doctor. I love him so much. I just can’t lose him yet. I’m begging you doctor let me see him.’ He shook his head again as “no” and he gestured the boy who saved me to come here with both of us.
‘Taemin, I have faith on you to take care Minho-sshi. I need to re-check his friend whether he’s okay or not.’ ‘Okay brother.’ This kid was related with the doctor.
‘Minho-sshi, don’t worry too much about him I’ll take good care of him.’
Don’t worry. He was one a witty guy. The doctor emerged from this room to check on Jonghyun.
‘Hey Taemin, will you stop worry if your brother is dying?’ Taemin knitted his eyebrow and frowned. I waited for his reply. ‘I will be worried like mad if he’s dying and because he’s my brother and I love him. There’s no way I stop worry about him. I care about him.’ I smirked and plopped down myself on the bed.
‘That’s how it felt when your love one is dying. You just can’t stop worry about them, because you love
them too much and you’ll worry them too much.’
---
It was been a week I’d been in this unknown hospital and I got a bit attached with this boy and the doctor. Both of them were the only people I trusted most. Taemin told me how he coincide met me sprawled on the white ground while he was running down the hill with his dog and he found me frozen on the ground. He told me the snow blizzard ended a day after it happened. How miracle that both of us still alive. Taemin was kind of delirious happy that I was still alive but, he wasn’t sure about Jonghyun. He was fighting for his life right now.
‘Taemin, do you want to go with me see Jonghyun?’
He was busied read the story book Jinki gave him not to make him bored. He looked up and beamed me his innocent smile at me and retorted.
‘Sure, you missed him.’
He closed his book and put it aside on the nightstand near him and stood up waited for me to get off
from the bed.
Both of us are inside Jonghyun’s ward. Taemin eagerly indulged himself watched outside the window from this room. I agreed that the view from here quite beautiful. What was more beautiful from here was him -Jonghyun composure face while asleep, nothing could compare the beautiful he held. I grazed his soft cheeks and smiled as he could see me as he was staring at me.
The beeped sound of the heart machine rate in this ward agitated my heart. Jinki told me that he wouldn’t wake up from his coma and the best thing to do was to wait his family decided whether he should live in coma or rest in peace. This was too much punishment for Jonghyun. I wanted him in peace, so he could live his life in serenity. Go away agony. I swore to God I didn’t want to let him go yet. Our happiness came if we separated, if we let go of each other and how possible was that?
I need someone to help me. Said that what I was doing was for better or worse.
‘Taemin, what I’m doing is for good right?’ Taemin jerked off and swiveled at me.
‘What’re you saying?’ This kid was no nothing about us. No nothing about how much love I was for Jonghyun.
‘I wanted to end his life.’ I was frankly with him. Never ever lied a kid.
‘But, brother told me that his family to decided it. You can’t do it. His family loves him.’
Taemin was trying to protest my decision. But, this was meant for us.
‘If you love your brother, will you let him suffer or happy.’ I always questioned this boy’s devotion towards his brother. You just couldn’t stop questioned people when they were trying to stop what you were doing because you wanted to let them know how it felt to be like you.
Taemin bit his lower lip and stared down the white tiles. Even himself had though time to reply my question, about someone who was important to you.
‘I will do anything to make my brother happy.’
He looked back at me -I genuinely smiled and said
‘That is my reason Taemin. When you love someone you wanted the happiness for them and Jonghyun
will get one if I let him go. You let someone go because you love them. And he will be happy with that.’
Finally, I flicked off the machine’s switch and it died and same as to Jonghyun. He wasn’t died he was living in a better place. I let out my feelings. This was the happiness that we all waited for. I’d let go off him.
‘I love you Minho.’ The whispered from his soul made me a little light up.
He was happy then I would be happy too.
---
After Jonghyun’s death, things get better for me. The whole time of being lonely wasn’t matter at all because I belief that he was watching me from his better place and I wouldn’t ever show my depression
to him. I got healthy from a long convalesce in the hospital with expansive people around you made you lived back.
I missed the whining Taemin and the klutz doctor Jinki. Hey, this was the life you met and you bid farewell. Nothing was life without these.
I was in the cabin, the cabin held memories of life and death with Jonghyun -the one who I love. In the room, I packed the stuff we left during the treatment in the hospital. The clothes and stuff I neatly packed in the travel bag and everything was done. I put the bags outside the cabin and ready to return my home. It was mine and Jonghyun’s apartment since he wasn’t here it would be mined from now on.
I checked again the cabin. Made sure everything had been packed up. Wait, I saw a book on the nightstand. It was a journal but, I didn’t remember I’d one of this. Maybe this was Jonghyun, it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I read it. So, without hesitation I nonchalantly read his journal like I owned it.
Dear Journal (I hadn’t thought about your name yet)
This holiday I tried to made Minho surprise. In the same time I tried to break up with him. Why so sudden? It was because I didn’t want him to know that I’d some killing disease -anemia. It was fatal as the doctor told me. The percentage to live was slightly to 1%-2% there was no hope. The blood supply and everything was too late. I wasn’t alert I’d this crazy anemia. Well, if I was going to die, I wanted Minho to not involve with me in this. I just didn’t want him mourning about me, murky his feelings because of me. I couldn’t rest in peace if he kept made me guilt all over him. But I didn’t know what I’m going to plan. I would try to break his heart, made him hate me till there was no love between us. Was this too cruel for him? I didn’t know I just wanted his happiness for him. I wanted him felt contented with his life I didn’t want my death made him lose and I didn’t want him worry too much about me because he needed to worry about himself. What he would do after my lost, would he found a replacement for him? Was he going to be happy what I made? What was it I just wanted him to be happy. Smile to the last. Hahaha… as if he was the one who was going to die soon.
-Kim Jonghyun-
All those time was for my happiness. I knew it there was nothing wrong with us. It was me who was wrong. What should I do after this? I would let that God decided my fate, right now I wanted to be who I was. To feel the happiness Jonghyun had sacrificed.
Ensue this I would like to give you a visit at where you sleep there for eternal.