SSS 2010: for kantamu
For: kantamu
From: Your Secret Santa
Title: Soundless
Pairing: Minho/Taemin
Rating: R
Word Count: 4,403
Summary: Taemin becomes friends with Minho, a mobster's son. They're an unlikely pair, but Taemin finds himself falling deeper and deeper.
The day Taemin's family moves into town, it rains non-stop, cats and dogs.
"It isn't normal for it to hail in Chaewon" says the truck driver and, oddly enough, the little balls of ice go tak, tak, tak on the windshield. Taemin only sighs and looks out the window. There is a dark but gorgeous house on top of the highest hill in the neighborhood. Only one room is lit and Taemin finds himself staring at it until the road bends and he can no longer see it.
When Taemin starts unpacking, he finds all of his things are at least semi-wet. They had packed hastily and it showed. The floor of his new room is dusty and cold but there's nothing to sleep on so Taemin curls up without a blanket.
The memory of Taemin's first night in Chaewon is cold and dreary.
--
There's no time for Taemin to get a new uniform for his new school. But all transfers are required to attend. So Taemin does his best to smooth out the wrinkles on his old uniform. Still soggy, the clothes feel heavy and clinging.
The morning walk to school is filled with the smell of wet grass and dirt but Taemin doesn't really notice with the state of his own uniform. His mind drifts to the a couple nights back. The wind had been crisp, not filled with moisture like today.
It was the day Taemin had said goodbye to his brother. Running from constant and piling debt, no one in Taemin's family was really safe from the debt collectors. Five nights ago had been the worst.
They had pounded on their no bedroom studio loft. His mother had been in the kitchen, shivering from fear. Their father was out. It was Taemin and his brother against whoever was out there.
Taesung had sent their mother out into the fire escape first. Then it was Taemin, forced out.
"What about you hyung?" Taemin had asked.
But with a mouth set in a firm line, Taesung had pushed him out into the biting cold. neither his mother nor Taemin were dressed for the weather, but they had had no other outlet.
His own pajamas had been the same soggy wear that his uniform was now.
His mind was on these far away things. And this is why when someone ran past him slamming into his left shoulder, all he saw was the rolled up sleeve and the white, bare arm skin. And...the word: "fidelis"
--
three years later...
"Strip"
"That'll cost more"
"How much?"
"A hundred for the top. Two for my jeans"
"Shit. Two hundred just to look?"
"It's hard you know."
"What?" There's a leery grin and then, "here?"
He cups Taemin's crotch. But there's no bulge and Taemin just smiles.
"Taking off my skinnies" Taemin replies, gently taking the guy's hands off of his nether regions. "It's not worth it if i don't get two hundred. at least."
--
There's a small telltale scab at the corner of Taemin's mouth when he comes into the classroom.
"Taemin, what" Kibum starts to say, but Kibum is cut off when Taemin shoves a cold palm on top of Kibum's lips.
"Just a small misunderstanding" Taemin says cooly, but his fingers vibrate a bit and Kibum frowns.
"You'll get really hurt one day, you know that? What are you going to do? You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Jonghyun. You won't even..."
"I come to class don't i?" interjects a slightly annoyed Taemin. "I do my work and keep up and shit, don't i?"
Kibum wilts.
"Just be a pal and quit it okay hyung?" whispers Taemin with a smile as plastic as Kibum's chair. "I can take care of myself."
Jonghyun walks in just in time to see Kibum's face fall. Jonghyun tries to catch Taemin before he walks away but is too late.
Class starts and they end up sitting on opposite ends of the lecture hall. Once again, it's Taemin against the world.
--
"You've got to talk to him" implores Kibum.
Kibum hangs on the end of Jinki's sleeve.
"He looks up to you" Kibum continues. "He actually talks to you even when he's mad at us."
"Hey, i'm not the one Taemin's mad at" says Jonghyun quickly. "Taemin's mad at you Kibum."
Kibum glares and turns to say, "Kim Jonghyun, you..." but fails because there are tears threatening to fall.
Jonghyun hastily makes his get away and Kibum turns to Jinki again.
"Jinki..."
"Look" Jinki says pulling Kibum's vise like grip off of his now stretched sweater. "The only reason he talks to me is because i don't ask him about his personal life. I just tell him about school, make sure he's not falling behind, make sure he's eating something three times a day..."
"Right. like that's enough. Shows you care."
Kibum sulks but Jinki just sighs.
You can't help someone if they don't know they even need help in the first place.
--
Taemin visits the back alley again. iI's where most of the guys wanting to be stealthy in their hunt for ass go. And it's where they are the most desperate.
Taemin needs the money.
He's wearing a torn white knit sweater; the gaping holes in the fabric show his naked torso nicely. Taemin ignores the fact that it's the start of winter and that the chill cuts into his bones like ice.
"Hey" comes a low set voice.
'Aha' Taemin thinks and before he looks up, he sets a perfect smile on his face.
"Hello."
--
The face Taemin is met with is not one that's red and panting with lust nor is it a face that possesses hungry eyes that devour Taemin's skinny frame.
There are large eyes steeled with something like anger and worry. There is a firm set mouth with red lips pursed in something like frustration.
"Can i ask what you're doing here?"
The guy is too tall and Taemin's neck starts to hurt.
Taemin's trying to keep the look of annoyance off his face when he chances a glance on the inside of the guy's elbow.
fidelis
Taemin's cheeks turn white.
--
Taemin doesn't put up a fight when the tall guy drags him away, muttering something about being taken in for questioning. But it's not because Taemin's feeling guilty or scared.
The guy is Taemin's kind of handsome. The only part Taemin doesn't like is the eyes. those soul searching eyes. But it's okay for now since they're not on him. Instead, Taemin is pressed against the warm and lean body that doesn't seem like its going to fall away any time soon.
He slips into a sleek black limo without much protest. Taemin can feel the incredulous glances of his worried fellow classmates but there's something so darn thrilling about being taken hostage by a tall dark and handsome man that Taemin escapes reality for a while.
--
The tall boy doesn't look once at him directly. There are other buff men in suits ranging from dark gray to black. They all wear sunglasses except for the boy clutching at Taemin.
Taemin is so busy observing all of the men that he doesn't really notice the fact that the limo has pulled up to a large dark mansion. It's only when Taemin is dragged out of the car that he notices two large sliding doors opening and inviting them in.
Suddenly there's a large dining table to the right and Taemin can see that the lights give off a kind of ominous glow. And, there are more suited muscle men filling the whole place.
It's then that Taemin gets scared because he realizes that he knows that this boy is all kinds of handsome, but that he's been in a situation like this before. The image of his brother's face flashes in his mind once before Taemin starts shaking involuntarily. He develops a cold sweat and while he tries to get his bearings, something happens.
"Is this the boy?"
A tall, charismatic man with salt and pepper hair comes blasting through a pair of French doors, followed by a dozen or so suited men. Every suit in the place stands to attention and so does the boy holding Taemin captive.
Taemin, the hold on his wrist loosened, slumps to the floor still shaking.
"Yes, Uncle. I found this boy selling behind the college."
Taemin looks up, the handsome boy is talking in this deep and rumbling voice. But the person coming near is the salt and pepper haired man who cups Taemin's chin.
"Are you the one selling drugs at the college, young boy?"
--
Taemin can't even process the words because they don't make sense in the midst of the intense gaze of the boy next to him and the roaring in Taemin's ears.
"Uncle, I'm the one who brought him here for questioning. Also, there were rumors..."
The salt and pepper haired uncle stands straight and smirks at his nephew.
"Minho, your effort is flawless but there is something lacking in the outcome. The amateur was caught this morning. He's been dealt with."
The uncle brushes past Taemin, taking a small mob of suits in his wake. Soon, the boy and Taemin are the only ones left in the large dining room.
The boy named Minho sighs. And it's when the silence of the room is broken, Taemin lifts his head.
"I was...wasn't selling drugs" Taemin whispers.
He doesn't know why this is so important. Getting away, that should be the important thing to do, Taemin tells himself. So Taemin gets up on wobbling knees and starts to walk away. But before he reaches to slide the doors, Taemin turns and asks one last thing.
"Can I go now?"
--
There are loud steps resounding on the wooden spiral stairs. A pair of black dress shoes appear and both Minho and Taemin are met with a set of sharp looking glasses.
"Young master, your brother has come home. He wanted to ask me if you would like to play a hand of poker."
As if waking from a distant dream, Minho stands up straighter then turns to look behind where Taemin stands.
"You asked if you can go, correct?"
"Um. Yes."
"That depends."
"Huh? On...on what?"
"Can you play poker?"
--
Taemin had definitely said no. No, he couldn't play poker. Not at all.
But the boy named Minho had clutched his elbow and dragged him up the wooden staircase following the bespectacled man.
Now Taemin was sitting in a dark room with a single light over a green velvet table while cards were being dealt out to him.
Before they had entered the game room, Minho had whispered to him.
"My brother. There's only one thing that distracts him during poker."
"Excuse me?" Taemin had asked, still unable to to keep the waver from his voice.
"Pretty boys. So keep your eyes down and you'll be fine. Look at your cards once, then fold when the fifth card is turned. I'll try to get you out after one round."
--
Taemin soon finds that there is some kind of war going on between the two brothers. Outwardly, all pleasantries are kept and they are surprising polite to each other for a mobster family.
But the built up tension in the room can be cut with a knife. Taemin finds it hard to breathe. There are three other men playing with them. The second Taemin and Minho had stepped into the room Minho's brother, Shiwon, had said, "The game's hold 'em. And you, you're big."
Without know what being 'big' meant, Taemin had entered the game.
"Then i'll be small" Minho had said in greeting to his brother.
To Taemin, Minho had whispered, "Two purple chips, Taemin. And it means you sit next to my brother."
Later, Taemin had balked at the idea of the minimum bet being a hundred thousand won. But Minho was paying for his bets and Taemin was clinging to the idea of "just one round" of texas hold 'em with these odd mobsters.
--
"Where...were you all day yesterday? ... Taemin?"
"Huh? Oh sorry Jinki hyung. I was...meeting a...friend. Yeah, a friend."
Jinki looks at the obviously far off look in Taemin's eyes. They sit at the school cafeteria where it's loud but the long sigh that comes from Taemin's mouth comes out loud and clear.
Jinki really doesn't want to ask any further, but he knows there's Kibum waiting around the corner. So he does.
"Are you sure it was just a friend?"
"What?"
"Was it a friend like Kibum or Jonghyun? Or..."
"Hyung."
"Yeah?"
Taemin smiles, a little sadly, but brightly.
"I wasn't selling if that's what you're asking. And i'm not going to do it any more. Sorry for making you worry."
"Taemin-ah, I didn't mean to make you feel bad it's just..."
"No, it's okay. Really. But I have to go. Sorry, hyung. I'll be leaving first."
Two chairs scrape but Jinki falls over, foot catching on a chair leg; so Taemin ends up leaving the school grounds first.
Taemin doesn't look back. He sees Kibum by the cafeteria doors and he sees Jonghyun hanging out by the fountain outside, but his footsteps are on auto-pilot.
Soon a limo screeches to a stop next to him.
"Lee Taemin?" comes a voice from within.
"Yes?"
"Young master Choi requests you at his residence."
--
three months later...
They make use of the huge swimming pool in Minho's backyard. Going up to 8 feet deep, It's just a few meters short of an olympic sized pool.
Minho strips his shirt and gestures Taemin to do the same.
"I don't have any swim trunks on" complains Taemin.
But Minho's already down to his boxers and when Taemin takes his shirt off, Minho's boxers have been discarded on the floor.
Minho dives in without a splash. The only evidence of his submergence is a quiet ripple and a ghostly black blob underwater. Taemin strips to his last article of clothing and dips a toe into the water.
It's heated and when Taemin looks up, Minho's already staring from across the expanse.
They swim alone for about an hour. There's no small talk between them. And Minho only does laps back and forth while Taemin wades in the shallow end.
But soon, Taemin notices the pause and he stops swimming.
There is Minho, standing in the middle of the pool. His eyes face up, toward the sky and the stars. Taemin finds that he stills and stares as well.
A shooting star passes by and Taemin excitedly searches for Minho. But Minho's way ahead of him. He's by Taemin's side in less than a minute.
Not touching, but close.
Minho gives Taemin a small smile. A water droplet courses down Minho's lash and catches on his nose. Taemin smiles.
When Minho turns his eyes back towards the sky, Taemin continues staring at Minho's face. There's an arm's length between then and Minho's hand is floating close.
Taemin relaxes his own arm. His hand floats up, and Taemin feels the closeness through the images of their outstretched hands under the water.
Taemin's fingers stretch just a little farther.
Whether it's due to the water's refraction or Taemin's miscalculation, Taemin's fingers never reach Minho's. There's a moment in which Taemin feels the space so acutely that it hurts physically.
To grasp at water while expecting to touch the one you love...
It's a kind of pain that Taemin learns the hard way. Minho never sees the exchange and when the star show is over, Minho swims away.
Taemin wonders if Minho just doesn't know or if Taemin is being used.
--
There are times when Taemin feels like he knows who Minho is acutely.
There is the limo and the scary looking bald driver who picks Taemin up everyday from school. There are the black suits that line Minho's mansion whenever Taemin comes over. And then there are the expensive things that slowly and quietly replace Taemin's things whenever Minho has a hand in it.
But there isn't a day Taemin feels it so acutely as the day Taesung, his brother, comes back to Taemin out of the blue.
Taesung looks years older than he's supposed to. But when Taemin sees Taesung's face it feels like breathing again. Taesung comes from far off with an embarrassed smirk on his face.
But soon, Taemin hears the familiar tires on the road behind him and momentarily freezes.
Taemin turns sideways, unable to take his eyes off his nearing brother but also unable to ignore Minho's limo.
Even though he doesn't want to, Taemin turns to tell the driver that he's sorry but he can't visit Minho today. But instead of the scaly voice of the familiar bald driver, the passenger's door opens and out walks Minho with a bouquet of scarlet flowers pressed to his chest.
There's an unfamiliar smile on Minho's face.
From the corner of Taemin's eye, he can see Taesung stop in his tracks. Things turn dark, then start moving in like a storm cloud.
--
Taemin sports a scrap next to his right eye. Being pushed out of harm's way is not his first time, but it is Taemin's first time that he's felt Minho being a harm to him.
Taesung sits on the floor of Taemin's bedroom, glaring.
"He's the son of a mobster."
"I... hyung..."
"Just like the bastard who made our father this way! The bastard who ripped our family apart! And the bastard who..."
"Hyung...please..."
"Don't ever meet him again. Understand?"
"Hyung..."
"I came to get you. Mom's always working. Dad's off working in another city. I have a small apartment in the city. We can make it there..."
"Hyung. I'm fine. You don't have to..."
"I'm not asking."
Taemin hangs his head and Taesung sighs.
"Let me look at that injury."
--
There are security guards that look like professional wrestlers all around Minho's house. There is a state of the art security system installed where Minho's fingers are scanned just to gain entry into the house. Today, for some reason, they've let out the five dobermans with studded leashes usually kept in the back kennels.
still, Taemin doesn't really feel any extent of danger until a tall man with fiery eyes answers the door when Taemin calls on Minho's house.
The buff guys with sunglasses who are stationed outside Minho's house stand taller than they ever have before and it's how Taemin knows to be frightened. Minho's no where to be seen. But later, when Taemin starts walking back home, Minho leaves a text to say that he's sick and stuck at home, sorry, Taemin-ah, sorry.
But Taemin knows better. Because the blinds to Minho's bedroom window are wide open. The bed is tidily made. And the lights are on.
So in the end, he doesn't even get to say goodbye...
It doesn't really hurt right away. There's a numbness that comes with the sudden swipe of the rug. But Taemin stumbles as he walks back home, scared at the memory of the the tall, lumbering men who shift in their shiny black shoes forcing his family to pay back with everything they've got.
When Taemin arrives back home, he accidentally drops the black plastic bag filled with goldfish bread, Minho's favorite. But Taemin can't be bothered. Because fear overcomes him like a storm. And once Taemin gets home, he can't stop crying.
--
It's one thing to find out that you can't see someone again. iI's another to find out you might not be able to live without someone in your life.
So when Minho tells Taemin that his father is back and that he knows and does not approve about their friendship, Taemin doesn't really say much. All he can is say, "Yeah, I think that's for the best too."
Whenever he sees Minho at school, Taemin pretends not to see. He hangs out more with Kibum and Jonghyun. And he introduces Jinki hyung to Taesung hyung. Things seem perfect. Taemin sees that this is how it's supposed to be.
A mobster's son and a poor man's son. Taemin knows that these people shouldn't have anything in common.
So the distance between them grows.
On the day Minho looks at Taemin from across the lecture hall, it's like there's a fire burning on his neck. So white hot that Taemin feels cold all over.
And so, instead of breaking down, Taemin turns away and doesn't look back.
Not once.
--
For a time, Taemin doesn't come out of his room. His mother tells him not to worry.
"Just take a year off. It'll give us time to save up too."
Taesung goes back to Seoul to work but always calls to say he's welcome anytime.
Taemin's too tired to really do anything. He finds he can't move forward, nor backward.
--
It's kind of amazing how Minho doesn't mention Taemin's name again.
Should have figured, Taemin thinks. There are no real friends in the world that do things like swim naked together.
School seems like a far away dream until Jinki visits one day out of the blue. He tows along Jonghyun. And when Taemin asks where Kibum is, Taemin is dragged out of his home and brought to Jonghyun's place.
"I knew you'd come!" exclaims Kibum, hugging Taemin close to his chest. "I made your favorite...bean sprout soup."
--
Taemin is pretty sure that he's never told Kibum that bean sprout soup is his favorite dish. Taemin is confident in that matter because bean sprout soup is no where near his favorite.
Still, Taemin doesn't say this until years later. And for now, he sips without a word.
Jinki is the first to open his mouth.
"Taemin-ah, where have you been all this while?"
Taemin looks up mid-sip.
"It...wasn't the first time i went to your place" admits Jinki, scratching at the back of his head. "I was hoping you were there today. And I got lucky."
"We've been eating bean sprout soup for a few weeks now" admits Jonghyun.
But somehow, with each bean sprout head that bursts in Taemin's mouth, all he thinks about is Minho, Minho, Minho.
--
It's been a while since he's checked his messages. And after Jinki (who is the last to leave) closes the door behind him, Taemin turns his phone on.
There are twenty eight missed calls from Kibum. There are eighteen messages from Jonghyun. And there are thirteen voice mails from Jinki hyung so long that he gets cut off on each one.
Taemin giggles at how awkward Jinki sounds over the phone. But when he gets to the fourteen message, Taemin finds himself listening to a low and rumbling voice, hoarse from something that sounds like emotion.
"Taemin-ah. Taemin-ah. Taemin-ah. sorry..."
--
Taemin runs and it feels like the air isn't there to help him breathe. It feels like invisible knives coursing through his lungs.
There's nothing to explain how much Taemin wants to see Minho this second. There's the cold biting air and the fact that he has no socks on. But he can't even feel anything except the burning thirst to see Minho, Minho, Minho.
He stops in front of the wide iron-wrought gates. The dobermans are still out loose but a black town car pulls up in front and stops in front of Taemin. From the back seat, Minho steps out and Taemin somehow can breathe again even though he's out of breath.
"Taemin, how..."
And Taemin sees that Minho was quite breathless without him too.
But when Taemin takes a step, there's a shout from behind them both.
"Young master! Get back in the car!"
After a screech, a black SUV nearly crashes into Minho's car. Four masked men scramble out and start shooting.
Everything happens very fast but also very slowly.
Taemin doesn't see the bullets but he sees the knuckles rabbiting up and down from the aftershock of the firing. He sees the bald suit, the one with the scar down the side of his neck, Minho's personal driver.
Taemin sees baldy falling down, but backwards and at an awkward angle. He sees Minho diving for Taemin, eyes wide with fear. But before Taemin even hits the ground, a splash of red comes out of Minho's chest.
It's almost as if Minho's holding red flowers like the day when Taesung hyung came back.
Minho cringes but completes his dive. Minho's body envelopes Taemin's and all Taemin can feel for a while is the warmth of Minho's body.
--
All Taemin sees is red for a while. All over his hands, all over the ground.
But then a white limo comes careening down the road with three police cars in hot pursuit.
And then Taemin sees a gray haired man hovering over him with the same eyes as Minho's. They're deep, light brown, and go all the way down to Taemin's soul.
--
one year later...
Taemin still remembers the words that come from Minho's father's lips.
"You shouldn't be here. And you shouldn't come to see my son again."
There are times when Taemin worries about what happened after that day.
Sometimes he just wishes he could know: dead or alive?
Other days he thinks, what would be the difference?
Taemin steps into the classroom. It's his first day back from taking time off. There's Kibum and Jonghyun, who tease him now because they're a year ahead.
There's Jinki hyung who's the TA for his class. Taemin smiles and is genuinely happy to see them.
He ignores the feeling of being incomplete.
He sits in the corner, way at the top. He takes out his new notebook, his new pencil, and turns on his new mp3 recorder.
He turns his focus to the professor when he starts lecture.
But ten minutes into class, someone slips into the room and into the empty seat besides Taemin.
Taemin really tries hard to focus. But the guy next to him keeps rap, rapping his fingers on the wooden table top.
And when Taemin turns his head sharply to ask him to be quiet, please, he sees the rolled up sleeve and pale but muscular arm.
And the word, fidelis, tattooed in the crook of his elbow.
From: Your Secret Santa
Title: Soundless
Pairing: Minho/Taemin
Rating: R
Word Count: 4,403
Summary: Taemin becomes friends with Minho, a mobster's son. They're an unlikely pair, but Taemin finds himself falling deeper and deeper.
The day Taemin's family moves into town, it rains non-stop, cats and dogs.
"It isn't normal for it to hail in Chaewon" says the truck driver and, oddly enough, the little balls of ice go tak, tak, tak on the windshield. Taemin only sighs and looks out the window. There is a dark but gorgeous house on top of the highest hill in the neighborhood. Only one room is lit and Taemin finds himself staring at it until the road bends and he can no longer see it.
When Taemin starts unpacking, he finds all of his things are at least semi-wet. They had packed hastily and it showed. The floor of his new room is dusty and cold but there's nothing to sleep on so Taemin curls up without a blanket.
The memory of Taemin's first night in Chaewon is cold and dreary.
--
There's no time for Taemin to get a new uniform for his new school. But all transfers are required to attend. So Taemin does his best to smooth out the wrinkles on his old uniform. Still soggy, the clothes feel heavy and clinging.
The morning walk to school is filled with the smell of wet grass and dirt but Taemin doesn't really notice with the state of his own uniform. His mind drifts to the a couple nights back. The wind had been crisp, not filled with moisture like today.
It was the day Taemin had said goodbye to his brother. Running from constant and piling debt, no one in Taemin's family was really safe from the debt collectors. Five nights ago had been the worst.
They had pounded on their no bedroom studio loft. His mother had been in the kitchen, shivering from fear. Their father was out. It was Taemin and his brother against whoever was out there.
Taesung had sent their mother out into the fire escape first. Then it was Taemin, forced out.
"What about you hyung?" Taemin had asked.
But with a mouth set in a firm line, Taesung had pushed him out into the biting cold. neither his mother nor Taemin were dressed for the weather, but they had had no other outlet.
His own pajamas had been the same soggy wear that his uniform was now.
His mind was on these far away things. And this is why when someone ran past him slamming into his left shoulder, all he saw was the rolled up sleeve and the white, bare arm skin. And...the word: "fidelis"
--
three years later...
"Strip"
"That'll cost more"
"How much?"
"A hundred for the top. Two for my jeans"
"Shit. Two hundred just to look?"
"It's hard you know."
"What?" There's a leery grin and then, "here?"
He cups Taemin's crotch. But there's no bulge and Taemin just smiles.
"Taking off my skinnies" Taemin replies, gently taking the guy's hands off of his nether regions. "It's not worth it if i don't get two hundred. at least."
--
There's a small telltale scab at the corner of Taemin's mouth when he comes into the classroom.
"Taemin, what" Kibum starts to say, but Kibum is cut off when Taemin shoves a cold palm on top of Kibum's lips.
"Just a small misunderstanding" Taemin says cooly, but his fingers vibrate a bit and Kibum frowns.
"You'll get really hurt one day, you know that? What are you going to do? You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Jonghyun. You won't even..."
"I come to class don't i?" interjects a slightly annoyed Taemin. "I do my work and keep up and shit, don't i?"
Kibum wilts.
"Just be a pal and quit it okay hyung?" whispers Taemin with a smile as plastic as Kibum's chair. "I can take care of myself."
Jonghyun walks in just in time to see Kibum's face fall. Jonghyun tries to catch Taemin before he walks away but is too late.
Class starts and they end up sitting on opposite ends of the lecture hall. Once again, it's Taemin against the world.
--
"You've got to talk to him" implores Kibum.
Kibum hangs on the end of Jinki's sleeve.
"He looks up to you" Kibum continues. "He actually talks to you even when he's mad at us."
"Hey, i'm not the one Taemin's mad at" says Jonghyun quickly. "Taemin's mad at you Kibum."
Kibum glares and turns to say, "Kim Jonghyun, you..." but fails because there are tears threatening to fall.
Jonghyun hastily makes his get away and Kibum turns to Jinki again.
"Jinki..."
"Look" Jinki says pulling Kibum's vise like grip off of his now stretched sweater. "The only reason he talks to me is because i don't ask him about his personal life. I just tell him about school, make sure he's not falling behind, make sure he's eating something three times a day..."
"Right. like that's enough. Shows you care."
Kibum sulks but Jinki just sighs.
You can't help someone if they don't know they even need help in the first place.
--
Taemin visits the back alley again. iI's where most of the guys wanting to be stealthy in their hunt for ass go. And it's where they are the most desperate.
Taemin needs the money.
He's wearing a torn white knit sweater; the gaping holes in the fabric show his naked torso nicely. Taemin ignores the fact that it's the start of winter and that the chill cuts into his bones like ice.
"Hey" comes a low set voice.
'Aha' Taemin thinks and before he looks up, he sets a perfect smile on his face.
"Hello."
--
The face Taemin is met with is not one that's red and panting with lust nor is it a face that possesses hungry eyes that devour Taemin's skinny frame.
There are large eyes steeled with something like anger and worry. There is a firm set mouth with red lips pursed in something like frustration.
"Can i ask what you're doing here?"
The guy is too tall and Taemin's neck starts to hurt.
Taemin's trying to keep the look of annoyance off his face when he chances a glance on the inside of the guy's elbow.
fidelis
Taemin's cheeks turn white.
--
Taemin doesn't put up a fight when the tall guy drags him away, muttering something about being taken in for questioning. But it's not because Taemin's feeling guilty or scared.
The guy is Taemin's kind of handsome. The only part Taemin doesn't like is the eyes. those soul searching eyes. But it's okay for now since they're not on him. Instead, Taemin is pressed against the warm and lean body that doesn't seem like its going to fall away any time soon.
He slips into a sleek black limo without much protest. Taemin can feel the incredulous glances of his worried fellow classmates but there's something so darn thrilling about being taken hostage by a tall dark and handsome man that Taemin escapes reality for a while.
--
The tall boy doesn't look once at him directly. There are other buff men in suits ranging from dark gray to black. They all wear sunglasses except for the boy clutching at Taemin.
Taemin is so busy observing all of the men that he doesn't really notice the fact that the limo has pulled up to a large dark mansion. It's only when Taemin is dragged out of the car that he notices two large sliding doors opening and inviting them in.
Suddenly there's a large dining table to the right and Taemin can see that the lights give off a kind of ominous glow. And, there are more suited muscle men filling the whole place.
It's then that Taemin gets scared because he realizes that he knows that this boy is all kinds of handsome, but that he's been in a situation like this before. The image of his brother's face flashes in his mind once before Taemin starts shaking involuntarily. He develops a cold sweat and while he tries to get his bearings, something happens.
"Is this the boy?"
A tall, charismatic man with salt and pepper hair comes blasting through a pair of French doors, followed by a dozen or so suited men. Every suit in the place stands to attention and so does the boy holding Taemin captive.
Taemin, the hold on his wrist loosened, slumps to the floor still shaking.
"Yes, Uncle. I found this boy selling behind the college."
Taemin looks up, the handsome boy is talking in this deep and rumbling voice. But the person coming near is the salt and pepper haired man who cups Taemin's chin.
"Are you the one selling drugs at the college, young boy?"
--
Taemin can't even process the words because they don't make sense in the midst of the intense gaze of the boy next to him and the roaring in Taemin's ears.
"Uncle, I'm the one who brought him here for questioning. Also, there were rumors..."
The salt and pepper haired uncle stands straight and smirks at his nephew.
"Minho, your effort is flawless but there is something lacking in the outcome. The amateur was caught this morning. He's been dealt with."
The uncle brushes past Taemin, taking a small mob of suits in his wake. Soon, the boy and Taemin are the only ones left in the large dining room.
The boy named Minho sighs. And it's when the silence of the room is broken, Taemin lifts his head.
"I was...wasn't selling drugs" Taemin whispers.
He doesn't know why this is so important. Getting away, that should be the important thing to do, Taemin tells himself. So Taemin gets up on wobbling knees and starts to walk away. But before he reaches to slide the doors, Taemin turns and asks one last thing.
"Can I go now?"
--
There are loud steps resounding on the wooden spiral stairs. A pair of black dress shoes appear and both Minho and Taemin are met with a set of sharp looking glasses.
"Young master, your brother has come home. He wanted to ask me if you would like to play a hand of poker."
As if waking from a distant dream, Minho stands up straighter then turns to look behind where Taemin stands.
"You asked if you can go, correct?"
"Um. Yes."
"That depends."
"Huh? On...on what?"
"Can you play poker?"
--
Taemin had definitely said no. No, he couldn't play poker. Not at all.
But the boy named Minho had clutched his elbow and dragged him up the wooden staircase following the bespectacled man.
Now Taemin was sitting in a dark room with a single light over a green velvet table while cards were being dealt out to him.
Before they had entered the game room, Minho had whispered to him.
"My brother. There's only one thing that distracts him during poker."
"Excuse me?" Taemin had asked, still unable to to keep the waver from his voice.
"Pretty boys. So keep your eyes down and you'll be fine. Look at your cards once, then fold when the fifth card is turned. I'll try to get you out after one round."
--
Taemin soon finds that there is some kind of war going on between the two brothers. Outwardly, all pleasantries are kept and they are surprising polite to each other for a mobster family.
But the built up tension in the room can be cut with a knife. Taemin finds it hard to breathe. There are three other men playing with them. The second Taemin and Minho had stepped into the room Minho's brother, Shiwon, had said, "The game's hold 'em. And you, you're big."
Without know what being 'big' meant, Taemin had entered the game.
"Then i'll be small" Minho had said in greeting to his brother.
To Taemin, Minho had whispered, "Two purple chips, Taemin. And it means you sit next to my brother."
Later, Taemin had balked at the idea of the minimum bet being a hundred thousand won. But Minho was paying for his bets and Taemin was clinging to the idea of "just one round" of texas hold 'em with these odd mobsters.
--
"Where...were you all day yesterday? ... Taemin?"
"Huh? Oh sorry Jinki hyung. I was...meeting a...friend. Yeah, a friend."
Jinki looks at the obviously far off look in Taemin's eyes. They sit at the school cafeteria where it's loud but the long sigh that comes from Taemin's mouth comes out loud and clear.
Jinki really doesn't want to ask any further, but he knows there's Kibum waiting around the corner. So he does.
"Are you sure it was just a friend?"
"What?"
"Was it a friend like Kibum or Jonghyun? Or..."
"Hyung."
"Yeah?"
Taemin smiles, a little sadly, but brightly.
"I wasn't selling if that's what you're asking. And i'm not going to do it any more. Sorry for making you worry."
"Taemin-ah, I didn't mean to make you feel bad it's just..."
"No, it's okay. Really. But I have to go. Sorry, hyung. I'll be leaving first."
Two chairs scrape but Jinki falls over, foot catching on a chair leg; so Taemin ends up leaving the school grounds first.
Taemin doesn't look back. He sees Kibum by the cafeteria doors and he sees Jonghyun hanging out by the fountain outside, but his footsteps are on auto-pilot.
Soon a limo screeches to a stop next to him.
"Lee Taemin?" comes a voice from within.
"Yes?"
"Young master Choi requests you at his residence."
--
three months later...
They make use of the huge swimming pool in Minho's backyard. Going up to 8 feet deep, It's just a few meters short of an olympic sized pool.
Minho strips his shirt and gestures Taemin to do the same.
"I don't have any swim trunks on" complains Taemin.
But Minho's already down to his boxers and when Taemin takes his shirt off, Minho's boxers have been discarded on the floor.
Minho dives in without a splash. The only evidence of his submergence is a quiet ripple and a ghostly black blob underwater. Taemin strips to his last article of clothing and dips a toe into the water.
It's heated and when Taemin looks up, Minho's already staring from across the expanse.
They swim alone for about an hour. There's no small talk between them. And Minho only does laps back and forth while Taemin wades in the shallow end.
But soon, Taemin notices the pause and he stops swimming.
There is Minho, standing in the middle of the pool. His eyes face up, toward the sky and the stars. Taemin finds that he stills and stares as well.
A shooting star passes by and Taemin excitedly searches for Minho. But Minho's way ahead of him. He's by Taemin's side in less than a minute.
Not touching, but close.
Minho gives Taemin a small smile. A water droplet courses down Minho's lash and catches on his nose. Taemin smiles.
When Minho turns his eyes back towards the sky, Taemin continues staring at Minho's face. There's an arm's length between then and Minho's hand is floating close.
Taemin relaxes his own arm. His hand floats up, and Taemin feels the closeness through the images of their outstretched hands under the water.
Taemin's fingers stretch just a little farther.
Whether it's due to the water's refraction or Taemin's miscalculation, Taemin's fingers never reach Minho's. There's a moment in which Taemin feels the space so acutely that it hurts physically.
To grasp at water while expecting to touch the one you love...
It's a kind of pain that Taemin learns the hard way. Minho never sees the exchange and when the star show is over, Minho swims away.
Taemin wonders if Minho just doesn't know or if Taemin is being used.
--
There are times when Taemin feels like he knows who Minho is acutely.
There is the limo and the scary looking bald driver who picks Taemin up everyday from school. There are the black suits that line Minho's mansion whenever Taemin comes over. And then there are the expensive things that slowly and quietly replace Taemin's things whenever Minho has a hand in it.
But there isn't a day Taemin feels it so acutely as the day Taesung, his brother, comes back to Taemin out of the blue.
Taesung looks years older than he's supposed to. But when Taemin sees Taesung's face it feels like breathing again. Taesung comes from far off with an embarrassed smirk on his face.
But soon, Taemin hears the familiar tires on the road behind him and momentarily freezes.
Taemin turns sideways, unable to take his eyes off his nearing brother but also unable to ignore Minho's limo.
Even though he doesn't want to, Taemin turns to tell the driver that he's sorry but he can't visit Minho today. But instead of the scaly voice of the familiar bald driver, the passenger's door opens and out walks Minho with a bouquet of scarlet flowers pressed to his chest.
There's an unfamiliar smile on Minho's face.
From the corner of Taemin's eye, he can see Taesung stop in his tracks. Things turn dark, then start moving in like a storm cloud.
--
Taemin sports a scrap next to his right eye. Being pushed out of harm's way is not his first time, but it is Taemin's first time that he's felt Minho being a harm to him.
Taesung sits on the floor of Taemin's bedroom, glaring.
"He's the son of a mobster."
"I... hyung..."
"Just like the bastard who made our father this way! The bastard who ripped our family apart! And the bastard who..."
"Hyung...please..."
"Don't ever meet him again. Understand?"
"Hyung..."
"I came to get you. Mom's always working. Dad's off working in another city. I have a small apartment in the city. We can make it there..."
"Hyung. I'm fine. You don't have to..."
"I'm not asking."
Taemin hangs his head and Taesung sighs.
"Let me look at that injury."
--
There are security guards that look like professional wrestlers all around Minho's house. There is a state of the art security system installed where Minho's fingers are scanned just to gain entry into the house. Today, for some reason, they've let out the five dobermans with studded leashes usually kept in the back kennels.
still, Taemin doesn't really feel any extent of danger until a tall man with fiery eyes answers the door when Taemin calls on Minho's house.
The buff guys with sunglasses who are stationed outside Minho's house stand taller than they ever have before and it's how Taemin knows to be frightened. Minho's no where to be seen. But later, when Taemin starts walking back home, Minho leaves a text to say that he's sick and stuck at home, sorry, Taemin-ah, sorry.
But Taemin knows better. Because the blinds to Minho's bedroom window are wide open. The bed is tidily made. And the lights are on.
So in the end, he doesn't even get to say goodbye...
It doesn't really hurt right away. There's a numbness that comes with the sudden swipe of the rug. But Taemin stumbles as he walks back home, scared at the memory of the the tall, lumbering men who shift in their shiny black shoes forcing his family to pay back with everything they've got.
When Taemin arrives back home, he accidentally drops the black plastic bag filled with goldfish bread, Minho's favorite. But Taemin can't be bothered. Because fear overcomes him like a storm. And once Taemin gets home, he can't stop crying.
--
It's one thing to find out that you can't see someone again. iI's another to find out you might not be able to live without someone in your life.
So when Minho tells Taemin that his father is back and that he knows and does not approve about their friendship, Taemin doesn't really say much. All he can is say, "Yeah, I think that's for the best too."
Whenever he sees Minho at school, Taemin pretends not to see. He hangs out more with Kibum and Jonghyun. And he introduces Jinki hyung to Taesung hyung. Things seem perfect. Taemin sees that this is how it's supposed to be.
A mobster's son and a poor man's son. Taemin knows that these people shouldn't have anything in common.
So the distance between them grows.
On the day Minho looks at Taemin from across the lecture hall, it's like there's a fire burning on his neck. So white hot that Taemin feels cold all over.
And so, instead of breaking down, Taemin turns away and doesn't look back.
Not once.
--
For a time, Taemin doesn't come out of his room. His mother tells him not to worry.
"Just take a year off. It'll give us time to save up too."
Taesung goes back to Seoul to work but always calls to say he's welcome anytime.
Taemin's too tired to really do anything. He finds he can't move forward, nor backward.
--
It's kind of amazing how Minho doesn't mention Taemin's name again.
Should have figured, Taemin thinks. There are no real friends in the world that do things like swim naked together.
School seems like a far away dream until Jinki visits one day out of the blue. He tows along Jonghyun. And when Taemin asks where Kibum is, Taemin is dragged out of his home and brought to Jonghyun's place.
"I knew you'd come!" exclaims Kibum, hugging Taemin close to his chest. "I made your favorite...bean sprout soup."
--
Taemin is pretty sure that he's never told Kibum that bean sprout soup is his favorite dish. Taemin is confident in that matter because bean sprout soup is no where near his favorite.
Still, Taemin doesn't say this until years later. And for now, he sips without a word.
Jinki is the first to open his mouth.
"Taemin-ah, where have you been all this while?"
Taemin looks up mid-sip.
"It...wasn't the first time i went to your place" admits Jinki, scratching at the back of his head. "I was hoping you were there today. And I got lucky."
"We've been eating bean sprout soup for a few weeks now" admits Jonghyun.
But somehow, with each bean sprout head that bursts in Taemin's mouth, all he thinks about is Minho, Minho, Minho.
--
It's been a while since he's checked his messages. And after Jinki (who is the last to leave) closes the door behind him, Taemin turns his phone on.
There are twenty eight missed calls from Kibum. There are eighteen messages from Jonghyun. And there are thirteen voice mails from Jinki hyung so long that he gets cut off on each one.
Taemin giggles at how awkward Jinki sounds over the phone. But when he gets to the fourteen message, Taemin finds himself listening to a low and rumbling voice, hoarse from something that sounds like emotion.
"Taemin-ah. Taemin-ah. Taemin-ah. sorry..."
--
Taemin runs and it feels like the air isn't there to help him breathe. It feels like invisible knives coursing through his lungs.
There's nothing to explain how much Taemin wants to see Minho this second. There's the cold biting air and the fact that he has no socks on. But he can't even feel anything except the burning thirst to see Minho, Minho, Minho.
He stops in front of the wide iron-wrought gates. The dobermans are still out loose but a black town car pulls up in front and stops in front of Taemin. From the back seat, Minho steps out and Taemin somehow can breathe again even though he's out of breath.
"Taemin, how..."
And Taemin sees that Minho was quite breathless without him too.
But when Taemin takes a step, there's a shout from behind them both.
"Young master! Get back in the car!"
After a screech, a black SUV nearly crashes into Minho's car. Four masked men scramble out and start shooting.
Everything happens very fast but also very slowly.
Taemin doesn't see the bullets but he sees the knuckles rabbiting up and down from the aftershock of the firing. He sees the bald suit, the one with the scar down the side of his neck, Minho's personal driver.
Taemin sees baldy falling down, but backwards and at an awkward angle. He sees Minho diving for Taemin, eyes wide with fear. But before Taemin even hits the ground, a splash of red comes out of Minho's chest.
It's almost as if Minho's holding red flowers like the day when Taesung hyung came back.
Minho cringes but completes his dive. Minho's body envelopes Taemin's and all Taemin can feel for a while is the warmth of Minho's body.
--
All Taemin sees is red for a while. All over his hands, all over the ground.
But then a white limo comes careening down the road with three police cars in hot pursuit.
And then Taemin sees a gray haired man hovering over him with the same eyes as Minho's. They're deep, light brown, and go all the way down to Taemin's soul.
--
one year later...
Taemin still remembers the words that come from Minho's father's lips.
"You shouldn't be here. And you shouldn't come to see my son again."
There are times when Taemin worries about what happened after that day.
Sometimes he just wishes he could know: dead or alive?
Other days he thinks, what would be the difference?
Taemin steps into the classroom. It's his first day back from taking time off. There's Kibum and Jonghyun, who tease him now because they're a year ahead.
There's Jinki hyung who's the TA for his class. Taemin smiles and is genuinely happy to see them.
He ignores the feeling of being incomplete.
He sits in the corner, way at the top. He takes out his new notebook, his new pencil, and turns on his new mp3 recorder.
He turns his focus to the professor when he starts lecture.
But ten minutes into class, someone slips into the room and into the empty seat besides Taemin.
Taemin really tries hard to focus. But the guy next to him keeps rap, rapping his fingers on the wooden table top.
And when Taemin turns his head sharply to ask him to be quiet, please, he sees the rolled up sleeve and pale but muscular arm.
And the word, fidelis, tattooed in the crook of his elbow.