SSS 2010: for bree_nd
For: bree_nd
From: Your (Emergency) Secret Santa
Title: Send Out An SOS.
Pairing: Onew/Key
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2,057
Summary: Relationships need work and sometimes people aren’t on the same page about things. Wherein Kibum deals with his insecurities and Jinki is a master of floras.
When Kibum gets angry, he becomes impulsive. It makes him a selfish person, sure, but he wants to hurt the other as much as he’s been hurt, he wants to see Jinki’s expression crumble and the furrow of his eyebrows become more pronounced and Kibum just wants Jinki to get angry. He needs to know he’s not the only one that’s invested here.
It’s been brewing for a while now, little things like Jinki forgetting how Kibum likes his coffee or how Jinki begins hanging out with Taemin more. Kibum’s not one to take fan forums seriously but this time even they've caught on to the lack of Kibum and Jinki interactions. Behind the flashing cameras, Jinki only sends him sporadic smiles before rushing off for overnight schedules. He hangs out with Lee Joon till late and texts almost non-stop. In short, Kibum becomes almost non-existent in Jinki’s eyes barring the fact that they’ve been dating on and off for a while. The last straw is when Jinki comes home later than usual, all bright eyed and bushy tailed with neverending smiles as he tells the members about musical rehearsal. Kibum storms to his room, hearing Jinki come along, thinking Kibum found out about his shampoo use.
“Kibum ah, honestly... don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit?” Jinki tries his best to smooth matters over, not knowing how patronizing his words sound. “It was just shamp--”
Smack! Kibum’s never been one for traditional respect and this time is no different because how dare he! How dare Jinki think-- Kibum’s seething, the ire burning in his eyes, making his whole body tremble as he tries to hold himself back.
“You think I’m angry at you because of shampoo? You think I hate you because of some shampoo?” he all but screams, arms waving around carelessly. The penguin cashbox Jinki has goes flying across the bedroom floor, memorabilia from the past two years scattering in whichever way.
Footsteps echo outside and there’s some more stumbling before the bedroom’s door is thrown open and Jonghyun walks in, immediately pushing them apart. Jinki’s cheeks are red and Kibum’s palm stings from the slap. He can’t breathe, can’t see past the blinding rage and it’s like nodoby else exists, just him and his pain, his jealousy bubbling like witches’ brew; suddenly emotions are crashing over him and then he feels like he’s crashing.
“What the fuck is going on here?”
“Jonghyun, please leave. I-- it was a misunderstanding.”
“No. No, it’s not. Fuck you, Jinki. Don’t... God, I dont even know why I thought-- fuck you. Just... fuck you to fucking hell you sonova--” Jonghyun cuts him off with a hand over his mouth and he’s quickly pulling Kibum away, hissing hotly in his ears while his eyes stay on Jinki, trying to comfort the other when it’s so clear that he can’t.
“I hate you!” Kibum screams before Jonghyun manages to drag him out past a shell-shocked Taemin and a solemn Minho, going off to the other room and closing the door behind them. The dorm becomes eerily silent after that as the remaining three stand stock still, too wrapped up and overwhelmed.
Minho makes the first move, leaning down to pick up the polaroid of their one year anniversary and placing it carefully inside the cashbox. After a moment, Taemin joins him and together they try to return it back to its original state, the desperation palpable in the way Taemin’s hand shakes as he reaches for a paper heart that Jinki still keeps, a stupid gift from Kibum during one of their earlier radio shows (“I was bored.” “Oh...but still. Thank you, Kibum-ah.” “Whatever.”)
It’s only when they stand up and return the box to its original position on the desk does Jinki speak and even then his voice is hollow and his eyes betray the hurt, anger and confusion creating a turmoil in his chest.
“I don’t even know what I did wrong.”
Minho leans to give him a hug but Jinki backs away, flinching out of Taemin’s light pat. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “Sorry, I just. Sorry.” And suddenly Jinki’s out the door, no coat, no phone, hair still damp. The apartment lock clicks shut and Taemin’s about to trail after him but Minho shakes his head and after a beat of silence, they get ready for bed.
For a while, activities as a group become the most tense thing, like treading on wired ground, waiting for the someone to pull the trigger. Everyday feels like a lie, strained and quiet and too different. It’s a good thing Jinki and Kibum are so far away from each other in their line up. Minho takes it upon himself to switch rooms with Kibum for a while and Taemin attempts to fill in Jinki’s shoes as moodmaker. For the most part though Kibum acts like Jinki doesn’t exist, dark shades indoors and haughty expression plastered on perfectly, like a martyr of broken hearts or something. When Kibum’s angry, he’s selfish and this time is no different.
“Hyung should talk to him,” Taemin says when he walks in on Kibum brushing his teeth one night, a week into the fight. He can’t stand it, the awkward silences, the lack of eye contact, it’s not normal. They were past this, it took years but they were past this and now, look what became of them. Is love this scary? Is love this volatile? He picks out his own toothbrush from the holder and starts their nightly ritual. Kibum doesn’t reply.
“I mean it, you know. Hyung needs to go and tell Jinki hyung what he did wrong. Or if he did anything wrong at all--”
“Is this an intervention?” Kibum interrupts because those fucking losers, out of all the people they could send, it’s Lee Taemin, master of the shining eyes. The younger boy just shrugs, taking the toothbrush out of his mouth to rinse.
“It’s an observation? Isn’t teamwork about communicating, hyung?” Kibum can only scoff, splashing some water on his face. Taemin takes out his facewash, lathering it on his hands but Kibum’s already done that and he sees his chance at escaping. Without a smart reply, he wipes his hands dry and slides out, purposefully ignoring Jinki’s morose gaze from the living room.
“Am I being stupid?” Kibum asks one night as he’s perched on the edge of Jonghyun’s bed. The other mumbles groggily, turning to his other side.
“Jonghyun, listen to me. Am I being stupid?” His voice has gotten louder this time and he leans in to shake Jonghyun’s shoulder none too lightly.
“Wha’? Go back to sleep, Kibum.”
“I can’t. You need to answer me first.” Kibum’s stubborn and Jonghyun lets out an exasperated breath. He sits up, jolting Kibum from his position, and pulls the blanket over his shoulders before fixing the younger of the two with a pointed look. Kibum thinks for a moment that it would be so much more easier if Jonghyun had given him his heart instead. At least Jonghyun knows what to do with him. Jinki and himself, they’re both still trying to figure it out.
“What do you want me to say?” Jonghyun asks honestly and Kibum realizes he has no reply to that. He’s been struck speechless lately, not knowing how to communicate without lashing out or curling into a ball. He wants to isolate himself and tell the world to fuck off, fuck his career and fuck SHINee because his heart hurts, his head hurts, his everything hurts.
“Do you think Jinki hyung deserves a lashing out? After all he’s done for us? For you?” It’s well known that Jinki isn’t the best leader out there but he’s the most generous. He never knows what to say when someone’s crying but he knows where the tissues are. He’ll inspire more worry than confidence but he never stops making them smile. If anything, Jinki’s selfless, putting everyone ahead of himself. He overcompensates with random acts of kindness and expects nothing in return. Kibum swallows down the rock in his throat and ducks his head.
“Go to sleep, Kibum, and worry about this tomorrow.”
He finds a bottle of shampoo on his bed, well Minho’s bed technically, the next time he comes home later than the rest. There’s a purple hyacinth taped on the top, not yet fully bloomed. Kibum has no idea what they mean but he knows Jinki probably can recite about a hundred different facts pertaining to hyacinths or flora in general. Against his better judgement he picks it up just as the door creaks open.
“They mean sorry.” Kibum whirls around, quickly schooling his expression into one of distaste. His lips twist into a sneer as he looks over at Jinki though the malice from before isn’t as fiery.
“You seriously think a bottle of shampoo is going to win me over, hyung?” Jinki gulps down an awkward lump in his throat and shakes his head and for a second Kibum knows he’s being intentionally mean but Jinki deserves to hurt too. According to Kibum logic, Jinki needs to feel as hurt as he did.
“It’s a start isn’t it?” Jinki suddenly points out, lifting his head to stare at Kibum in the eye. There’s a fierce determination there, one Kibum always associates with Jinki’s hardworking perseverance during long training hours and difficult dance moves. Jinki continues. “I can’t apologise if I don’t know what I did wrong, Kibum-ah.”
“You don’t love me!” Kibum bursts out, throwing his hands up in surrender. “I’m angry because you don’t-- you stopped loving me but you’re too much of a coward to say so. Out of all the break ups, you’re the worst, hyung.” He’s breathing hard now, choking on air. See? Now he’s made it real, now he’s come out in the open and made Jinki realise what he didnt even know and then they’re gonna end for real and it’s all because of him.
Kibum’s so caught up in the whirlwind of his emotions he doesn't realise Jinki reaching out for his hand until he feels the slightly calloused palm in his own. He looks up and Jinki’s right there, looking so very confused but not running away or agreeing. He’s just gaping at Kibum, like the idea of him wanting to break up with Kibum was preposterous.
“Why-- you think we broke up?”
Kibum feels like a child when he nods his head, not taking his hand out of Jinki’s grasp. He clears his throat and steels his heart.
“You stopped trying to, to make me laugh. You just stopped caring,” Kibum says and suddenly, the question he asked Jonghyun needed no answer. Kibum gasps and pulls Jinki close, hugging him tightly even though it takes the older man a few seconds to awkwardly ease into the hug.
“God, I’m such-- I’m really an idiot aren’t I?” he mumbles into Jinki’s shoulder, closing his eyes.
“Is that a trick question?” Jinki asks and for the first time, he manages a sincere chuckle.
“I can’t believe I put us through hell just b- because of some stupid reason that’s so...” he trails off, unable to find the correct word to describe his stupidity.
“I don’t think being jealous is a stupid reason,” Jinki points out quietly, unwinding Kibum’s arms from around his neck. He tilts his head up to look at Jinki, curious and maybe apprehensive. “I admit I’ve been...distant and I’m sorry, really. Sometimes with my personal schedule, it’s hard. And and I’m still working it out but I’d never,” Kibum lets Jinki brush his cheek lightly, “never ever ever, promise, cross my heart and hope to die, stop caring about you.”
Kibum smiles, brushing the hair on the back of Jinki’s neck softly, a silent apology that doesnt go amiss. For a moment they just stare at each other as they take in the swelling of their hearts and the realisation that they can make this work. Kibum aligns their faces together, moving in slowly but it’s Jinki that closes the final distance. As they share a sweet kiss, Kibum thinks that maybe he’s a selfish person when he’s angry but he’s a selfish person always when it comes to Jinki.
From: Your (Emergency) Secret Santa
Title: Send Out An SOS.
Pairing: Onew/Key
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2,057
Summary: Relationships need work and sometimes people aren’t on the same page about things. Wherein Kibum deals with his insecurities and Jinki is a master of floras.
When Kibum gets angry, he becomes impulsive. It makes him a selfish person, sure, but he wants to hurt the other as much as he’s been hurt, he wants to see Jinki’s expression crumble and the furrow of his eyebrows become more pronounced and Kibum just wants Jinki to get angry. He needs to know he’s not the only one that’s invested here.
It’s been brewing for a while now, little things like Jinki forgetting how Kibum likes his coffee or how Jinki begins hanging out with Taemin more. Kibum’s not one to take fan forums seriously but this time even they've caught on to the lack of Kibum and Jinki interactions. Behind the flashing cameras, Jinki only sends him sporadic smiles before rushing off for overnight schedules. He hangs out with Lee Joon till late and texts almost non-stop. In short, Kibum becomes almost non-existent in Jinki’s eyes barring the fact that they’ve been dating on and off for a while. The last straw is when Jinki comes home later than usual, all bright eyed and bushy tailed with neverending smiles as he tells the members about musical rehearsal. Kibum storms to his room, hearing Jinki come along, thinking Kibum found out about his shampoo use.
“Kibum ah, honestly... don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit?” Jinki tries his best to smooth matters over, not knowing how patronizing his words sound. “It was just shamp--”
Smack! Kibum’s never been one for traditional respect and this time is no different because how dare he! How dare Jinki think-- Kibum’s seething, the ire burning in his eyes, making his whole body tremble as he tries to hold himself back.
“You think I’m angry at you because of shampoo? You think I hate you because of some shampoo?” he all but screams, arms waving around carelessly. The penguin cashbox Jinki has goes flying across the bedroom floor, memorabilia from the past two years scattering in whichever way.
Footsteps echo outside and there’s some more stumbling before the bedroom’s door is thrown open and Jonghyun walks in, immediately pushing them apart. Jinki’s cheeks are red and Kibum’s palm stings from the slap. He can’t breathe, can’t see past the blinding rage and it’s like nodoby else exists, just him and his pain, his jealousy bubbling like witches’ brew; suddenly emotions are crashing over him and then he feels like he’s crashing.
“What the fuck is going on here?”
“Jonghyun, please leave. I-- it was a misunderstanding.”
“No. No, it’s not. Fuck you, Jinki. Don’t... God, I dont even know why I thought-- fuck you. Just... fuck you to fucking hell you sonova--” Jonghyun cuts him off with a hand over his mouth and he’s quickly pulling Kibum away, hissing hotly in his ears while his eyes stay on Jinki, trying to comfort the other when it’s so clear that he can’t.
“I hate you!” Kibum screams before Jonghyun manages to drag him out past a shell-shocked Taemin and a solemn Minho, going off to the other room and closing the door behind them. The dorm becomes eerily silent after that as the remaining three stand stock still, too wrapped up and overwhelmed.
Minho makes the first move, leaning down to pick up the polaroid of their one year anniversary and placing it carefully inside the cashbox. After a moment, Taemin joins him and together they try to return it back to its original state, the desperation palpable in the way Taemin’s hand shakes as he reaches for a paper heart that Jinki still keeps, a stupid gift from Kibum during one of their earlier radio shows (“I was bored.” “Oh...but still. Thank you, Kibum-ah.” “Whatever.”)
It’s only when they stand up and return the box to its original position on the desk does Jinki speak and even then his voice is hollow and his eyes betray the hurt, anger and confusion creating a turmoil in his chest.
“I don’t even know what I did wrong.”
Minho leans to give him a hug but Jinki backs away, flinching out of Taemin’s light pat. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “Sorry, I just. Sorry.” And suddenly Jinki’s out the door, no coat, no phone, hair still damp. The apartment lock clicks shut and Taemin’s about to trail after him but Minho shakes his head and after a beat of silence, they get ready for bed.
For a while, activities as a group become the most tense thing, like treading on wired ground, waiting for the someone to pull the trigger. Everyday feels like a lie, strained and quiet and too different. It’s a good thing Jinki and Kibum are so far away from each other in their line up. Minho takes it upon himself to switch rooms with Kibum for a while and Taemin attempts to fill in Jinki’s shoes as moodmaker. For the most part though Kibum acts like Jinki doesn’t exist, dark shades indoors and haughty expression plastered on perfectly, like a martyr of broken hearts or something. When Kibum’s angry, he’s selfish and this time is no different.
“Hyung should talk to him,” Taemin says when he walks in on Kibum brushing his teeth one night, a week into the fight. He can’t stand it, the awkward silences, the lack of eye contact, it’s not normal. They were past this, it took years but they were past this and now, look what became of them. Is love this scary? Is love this volatile? He picks out his own toothbrush from the holder and starts their nightly ritual. Kibum doesn’t reply.
“I mean it, you know. Hyung needs to go and tell Jinki hyung what he did wrong. Or if he did anything wrong at all--”
“Is this an intervention?” Kibum interrupts because those fucking losers, out of all the people they could send, it’s Lee Taemin, master of the shining eyes. The younger boy just shrugs, taking the toothbrush out of his mouth to rinse.
“It’s an observation? Isn’t teamwork about communicating, hyung?” Kibum can only scoff, splashing some water on his face. Taemin takes out his facewash, lathering it on his hands but Kibum’s already done that and he sees his chance at escaping. Without a smart reply, he wipes his hands dry and slides out, purposefully ignoring Jinki’s morose gaze from the living room.
“Am I being stupid?” Kibum asks one night as he’s perched on the edge of Jonghyun’s bed. The other mumbles groggily, turning to his other side.
“Jonghyun, listen to me. Am I being stupid?” His voice has gotten louder this time and he leans in to shake Jonghyun’s shoulder none too lightly.
“Wha’? Go back to sleep, Kibum.”
“I can’t. You need to answer me first.” Kibum’s stubborn and Jonghyun lets out an exasperated breath. He sits up, jolting Kibum from his position, and pulls the blanket over his shoulders before fixing the younger of the two with a pointed look. Kibum thinks for a moment that it would be so much more easier if Jonghyun had given him his heart instead. At least Jonghyun knows what to do with him. Jinki and himself, they’re both still trying to figure it out.
“What do you want me to say?” Jonghyun asks honestly and Kibum realizes he has no reply to that. He’s been struck speechless lately, not knowing how to communicate without lashing out or curling into a ball. He wants to isolate himself and tell the world to fuck off, fuck his career and fuck SHINee because his heart hurts, his head hurts, his everything hurts.
“Do you think Jinki hyung deserves a lashing out? After all he’s done for us? For you?” It’s well known that Jinki isn’t the best leader out there but he’s the most generous. He never knows what to say when someone’s crying but he knows where the tissues are. He’ll inspire more worry than confidence but he never stops making them smile. If anything, Jinki’s selfless, putting everyone ahead of himself. He overcompensates with random acts of kindness and expects nothing in return. Kibum swallows down the rock in his throat and ducks his head.
“Go to sleep, Kibum, and worry about this tomorrow.”
He finds a bottle of shampoo on his bed, well Minho’s bed technically, the next time he comes home later than the rest. There’s a purple hyacinth taped on the top, not yet fully bloomed. Kibum has no idea what they mean but he knows Jinki probably can recite about a hundred different facts pertaining to hyacinths or flora in general. Against his better judgement he picks it up just as the door creaks open.
“They mean sorry.” Kibum whirls around, quickly schooling his expression into one of distaste. His lips twist into a sneer as he looks over at Jinki though the malice from before isn’t as fiery.
“You seriously think a bottle of shampoo is going to win me over, hyung?” Jinki gulps down an awkward lump in his throat and shakes his head and for a second Kibum knows he’s being intentionally mean but Jinki deserves to hurt too. According to Kibum logic, Jinki needs to feel as hurt as he did.
“It’s a start isn’t it?” Jinki suddenly points out, lifting his head to stare at Kibum in the eye. There’s a fierce determination there, one Kibum always associates with Jinki’s hardworking perseverance during long training hours and difficult dance moves. Jinki continues. “I can’t apologise if I don’t know what I did wrong, Kibum-ah.”
“You don’t love me!” Kibum bursts out, throwing his hands up in surrender. “I’m angry because you don’t-- you stopped loving me but you’re too much of a coward to say so. Out of all the break ups, you’re the worst, hyung.” He’s breathing hard now, choking on air. See? Now he’s made it real, now he’s come out in the open and made Jinki realise what he didnt even know and then they’re gonna end for real and it’s all because of him.
Kibum’s so caught up in the whirlwind of his emotions he doesn't realise Jinki reaching out for his hand until he feels the slightly calloused palm in his own. He looks up and Jinki’s right there, looking so very confused but not running away or agreeing. He’s just gaping at Kibum, like the idea of him wanting to break up with Kibum was preposterous.
“Why-- you think we broke up?”
Kibum feels like a child when he nods his head, not taking his hand out of Jinki’s grasp. He clears his throat and steels his heart.
“You stopped trying to, to make me laugh. You just stopped caring,” Kibum says and suddenly, the question he asked Jonghyun needed no answer. Kibum gasps and pulls Jinki close, hugging him tightly even though it takes the older man a few seconds to awkwardly ease into the hug.
“God, I’m such-- I’m really an idiot aren’t I?” he mumbles into Jinki’s shoulder, closing his eyes.
“Is that a trick question?” Jinki asks and for the first time, he manages a sincere chuckle.
“I can’t believe I put us through hell just b- because of some stupid reason that’s so...” he trails off, unable to find the correct word to describe his stupidity.
“I don’t think being jealous is a stupid reason,” Jinki points out quietly, unwinding Kibum’s arms from around his neck. He tilts his head up to look at Jinki, curious and maybe apprehensive. “I admit I’ve been...distant and I’m sorry, really. Sometimes with my personal schedule, it’s hard. And and I’m still working it out but I’d never,” Kibum lets Jinki brush his cheek lightly, “never ever ever, promise, cross my heart and hope to die, stop caring about you.”
Kibum smiles, brushing the hair on the back of Jinki’s neck softly, a silent apology that doesnt go amiss. For a moment they just stare at each other as they take in the swelling of their hearts and the realisation that they can make this work. Kibum aligns their faces together, moving in slowly but it’s Jinki that closes the final distance. As they share a sweet kiss, Kibum thinks that maybe he’s a selfish person when he’s angry but he’s a selfish person always when it comes to Jinki.