For:
salted_taiyakiFrom: Your (Emergency) Secret Santa
Title: Dear Santa
Pairing: Onew/Taemin
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 2,932
Summary: I hope this Christmas, you’ll help make Onew hyung the happiest he has ever been.
Dear Santa,
You’re the only person I would ever tell this - what I want for Christmas is for Onew hyung to be happy when I leave. He doesn’t know that I have successfully applied to study dance in London, and even worse, that I will be leaving next week on Christmas day. I’m trying to make it up to him by patronizing him more and doing more things together, but it’s not enough, and never will be. I feel terrible, Santa! One more week to break the news to him then I’m gone. So I hope this Christmas, you’ll help make Onew hyung the happiest he has ever been.
Yours Lovingly,
Taemin (who has been a wonderful boy this year)
p.s. If I leave you milk and cookies, will you grant my wish faster?
Onew didn’t know how to react to the letter he had found under Taemin’s bed when he was cleaning the house. He had wanted to throw the badly crumpled piece of paper away (a letter that was never delivered to Santa), but when he saw Taemin’s messy script inside, his curiosity got the better of him.
Now that he had read it, over and over, he didn’t quite know what had hit him.
--
For a few days after Onew discovered that letter, he remained cold around Taemin. He no longer showered him with morning kisses as he always did, and he didn’t bother greeting the younger with a hug every time he returned from school. Taemin noticed Onew’s increasingly cold attitude towards him, but he never thought it was because of that. There was absolutely no way he could have found the letter.
Onew was growing tired of putting up an act.
All he wanted to do now, for he knew time was fast slipping from his futile grasp, was to hug Taemin tightly and never let go. He wanted them to do all the things they wouldn’t be able to do together when Taemin was on the other side of the world. He wanted them to go to the top of the hill next to their home every night, to lie on their backs on the grass and take in the beautiful night scenery together.
They had done that once, on Taemin’s birthday. Onew had packed a bento box full of kimbap, which he knew Taemin loved to eat. They had walked hand in hand, never letting go even once, to the top of the hill. The sky was pitch black then, and the streetlights shone on them as they enjoyed their meal together. Taemin looked so happy then, and Onew remembered thinking that he would always be the one that made Taemin happy, forever.
They had lain down on the dry grass (it didn’t rain that day), and didn’t speak for minutes as they took in the sight of a million twinkling stars in the night sky. Onew turned to his side, and gazed at Taemin’s face, as the latter’s eyes gleamed with delight at how the day had gone. Onew grabbed Taemin’s hand in his, and squeezed tight.
“Hyung…” Taemin was taken back by surprise, but squeezed back even harder.
“Taemin-ah…I love you.” Onew leaned in for a quick peck on Taemin’s cheek, and giggled to himself when he noticed how red Taemin’s cheek was getting from embarrassment. “I’ll protect you, and be by your side forever.”
Taemin grew silent for a long moment.
“Hyung… I love you too. But you know, if we ever get separated, all we have to do is look at that stars -“ he paused, raising his finger to point to the sky, “and remember that we are under the same sky.”
But all those happy get-togethers were a thing of the past. Onew could never feel the same way about Taemin again.
There were several nights when Taemin returned home late from dance classes, only to find an extremely drunk Onew slouching at the side of the bathtub, his body shivering against the cold tiled floor in winter. He was puking nonstop, his body shaking, trying to muster all the strength he had left in himself to rid himself of everything.
Lord knows where Onew got that beer. His breath smelled disgusting, the odor of alcohol mixed with all the meals he had in the day. Taemin ran to him with a wet towel, furiously dabbing his forehead. He tried his best to get Onew back to his bed safely, but Onew was stumbling unevenly, his larger frame making it hard for Taemin to guide his course.
Onew’s head was pounding. Thinking about everything only made his head hurt more, his brain pumping hardly against the cartilage walls of his skull, threatening to explode. He might have appeared drunk, but he was perfectly aware of what was happening.
When Taemin carefully laid Onew down on his bed, he pulled the blanket over his body, making sure he was comfortable; all the retching he had done must have made him feel miserable. Taemin was about to leave from his bedside, when he suddenly reached out to grab his hand.
“Taemin, why did you do this to me?” the tears came fast and furiously, forming two streaming rivers down Onew’s cheeks. His shoulders were shaking, from the anger he felt towards Taemin, and the fear of how he would survive when Taemin was gone.
Taemin didn’t know what he was talking about, but when he saw his crumpled letter to Santa on Onew’s desk, everything suddenly clicked. He felt like he had hit rock bottom. There was no way he could make it up to Onew now.
“I’m sorry, hyung,” was all he said before he left the room.
--
Fast forward to Christmas day, and Taemin was in the plane, on the way to London. In the past few months, things had grown more than awkward between them - they had grown stone cold. Onew only exchanged murmurs with Taemin, and suddenly announced that he had found a cheap house in the next neighborhood, and was moving out. Taemin knew that was his way of coping, and so he didn’t stop him.
“Excuse me sir, peanuts?” An air stewardess waved a packet of peanuts of him. Taemin gave her a small smile before ripping the packet of nuts open. Sometimes being deep in thought made his appetite grow.
The taxi ride to the airport had been plain torture. A million Christmas trees had been set up along the roads of major shopping districts, which they passed through on the way to the airport. He had seen many couples taking pictures under the trees, holding hands as they laughed at the photographs they had taken. There were so many couples out that night, it was as if they were all out to mock him.
He remembered the time earlier this year, when he and Onew were sitting in their kitchen, eating spam out of the can for dinner. They had been too lazy to order takeout, much less cook, so they decided to just heat some spam up.
It was then that Onew suddenly said, “Taemin, how do you want to celebrate Christmas this year?” Taemin looked at him like he was crazy. It was the middle of March, and December was months away.
“It’s our first Christmas together… so I thought we might want to do something a little more special. No harm thinking about it now…” Onew started blushing, thinking maybe he had rushed things a little too quickly. It was just that Taemin really meant a lot to him, being his first real love and all, and he wanted to do something special.
“Oh, hyung!” Taemin gave him a quick kiss. “I think we should think about it when the time comes.”
But of course, the time never came. Their first Christmas was today, and they weren’t even together anymore.
--
Winters were always cold in London, especially around Christmastime. It had been a year since Taemin had left Korea. He was slowly adapting to the western culture, and brushing up on his English. It was Christmas Eve, and he didn’t plan to attend those wild Christmas countdown parties his classmates were planning. He would rather stay home, watching some late night movies.
But everyone knew that wasn’t what he really wanted.
Taemin sighed, scolding himself for thinking thoughts like that. He had tried his best to truly focus on his dancing the past year, and to put Onew at the back of his mind. The nights he had yearned for Onew, to the extent that he wanted to call him and beg for forgiveness, he had tried to dance away his pain.
He stayed back in the school’s dance studio after everyone left, trying to get his moves as sharp as possible, and really get the rhythm and timing of the piece. There was once he was so angry with himself for not being able to handle his life properly, he had pushed himself too hard, and ended up with a broken ankle.
Lee Taemin, you’re such an idiot.
Taemin opened the front door to his apartment, struggling to do so as he had his load of textbooks in one hand, and a huge container of turkey with cranberry sauce in the other. He managed to unlock the door, and kicked it open.
He felt absolutely drained from hours of dance classes, and for some reason he felt particularly tired. His body seemed too tired to even stand up a second longer, and the last thing he did was throw himself on his bed before he fell into a deep slumber.
--
Taemin was awoken from his sleep but what he thought was a breeze from the window. He had forgotten to shut the windows before he fell asleep, and the strong winds of winter were blowing right at him. He was too exhausted to leave his bed though, so he just wrapped the blanket a little more around him, trying to warm himself up.
He fell asleep again, but soon woke up, this time by a loud clang he thought he heard coming from the kitchen. He jumped up from bed, worried it might have been a thief that jumped through his open window, trying their hand at stealing his valuables (not that he had anything worth stealing - just his iPod).
“You!” Taemin ran into the kitchen, shouting as loud as he could. He was holding a heavy textbook, the first thing he grabbed from his table. There was a figure on the floor, covering his face with a pan. “Get that pan out of your face right now, or I’m calling the cops on you!” Taemin slowly tiptoed towards the stranger, ready to strike.
“Taemin.”
The stranger removed the pan from his face, revealing copper hair that was all tousled and ruffled, just like someone he knew.
“Merry Christmas!”
Onew jumped up from the floor, the pan in his lap crashing to the ground. He grinned sheepishly, hoping it would make up for the mess he had made in the kitchen.
“ONEW HYUNG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Taemin was utterly confused. What in the word was Onew doing in his apartment? In London? How did he even get into the place? Through the window?
Onew brushed himself off, and took a step towards Taemin. “Maybe we should go somewhere else to talk. Know of any place?”
Taemin just nodded in his daze.
--
Taemin led Onew to his favorite Korean restaurant downtown, which served the best Kimbap and ddokbokki in London (it even tasted someone authentic). Onew eyed the restaurant as they entered, whispering to Taemin, “is this really how you fixed your kimbap fetishes?” He wondered whether the Korean food here would ever match up to the real thing back in Korea.
Taemin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, hyung.”
The waitress led them to a table near the back of the restaurant, which Onew requested for because he felt the two of them needed a little privacy. Taemin had just gone along with it, still too shocked by Onew’s sudden arrival to go against anything.
The two ordered quickly, getting two plates of kimbap for dinner. Taemin was getting fidgety - he hated serious talks like these.
A smile spread on Onew’s face. “Don’t look like I’m putting you under torture, Lee Taemin.” He kicked Taemin’s knee under the table, causing him to wince in pain, but smile in return.
“Hyung… what the heck are you doing in London?” Taemin had a look so intense in his eyes, it looked like he was going to devour Onew (which he would have gladly done, but that wasn’t his intention then).
“I… wanted to give you a surprise.” Onew looked up at him. “Which I did, but not in the way I had planned.”
That wasn’t the answer Taemin was looking for, and he could tell Onew knew it too. The latter was trying to evade answering Taemin’s questions, but he wasn’t about to let it go.
“Hyung.” Taemin looked him straight in the eye. “You came here because you missed me, didn’t you?”
Onew looked down, as if there was something more interesting on his napkin than Taemin’s face. He kept quiet for a moment, and he could feel his dongsaeng’s glare pierce through him. He nodded. Now was the time to say everything he had always wanted to say, and clear the air between them.
“In the time that I moved out, I thought more about us than ever before. I’m sorry I treated you like that before you left, but I didn’t know how to sort out my feelings.” Onew played with his fingers a little, all this talk about spilling his heart getting a little too sappy for his liking. “Yes, I missed you.”
What he liked most about being with Taemin was how they never had to say too much to each other, but know exactly, down to every word, what the other was thinking and feeling. They shared great chemistry, a bond so tight nothing could ever come between them.
Taemin noticed his uneasiness with expressing himself through words, and placed his hand over Onew’s fidgety fingers. “It’s alright hyung, I get exactly what you mean.”
“You do?” Onew was surprised to say the least; he thought the younger boy would never realize how he felt, and his tone even felt forgiving.
“It was my fault for not telling you earlier, but I wanted to leave after creating happy memories with you. I’m so sorry you had to find out about things that way…” tears were starting to well up in his eyes. Everyone knows that Lee Taemin hardly cries - but he was crying now from all the guilt he had kept locked up inside of him for the past year.
Onew felt good, being able to wipe those tears off Taemin’s face again. “Hush, now, you don’t have to cry. I’m glad I found out that way. What happened after that gave us time to think didn’t it? Now we know exactly what we want.” He beamed. Taemin’s tears had subsided now, and a smile started to spread on his face.
An elderly waitress carried two plates of kimbap over to their table, setting them down carefully in front of the hungry guests. “Thank you, we’ll eat well!” Taemin quickly said, before grabbing one and stuffing it into his mouth. “Mhm, delicious!”
Onew chuckled, seeing how hungry Taemin was. He had gotten seaweed all over the corners of his mouth, like he was a little kid that didn’t know how to clean up after himself. Onew dabbed his mouth with a napkin for him, then carried on with his kimbap.
--
Dinner was long over, and they were both back in the Taemin’s apartment, crashing on his couch in front of the television. They had turned it on just for the sake of it, but they weren’t paying attention to a single thing the news reporter was saying.
Taemin laid down, his head on Onew’s lap. Onew played with Taemins’ golden locks, a habit he had cultivated in the past. He loved how they curled around his fingers, as if they never wanted them to let go. Taemin looked up and gazed at Onew, wondering how he had lived without that amazing view.
He sat up, and gazed into Onew’s eyes.
“Hyung, thank you so much for everything.” He enveloped him in a hug so tight, Onew wasn’t sure he could breathe. But he hugged back, equally grateful for everything Taemin had brought into his life - inspiration, hope and love.
“Remember what you said about us getting separated? All we had to do was look up at the sky, and we would think about each other.” Taemin nodded, remembering clearly what he had told his hyung.
“But we’re together now hyung, so you don’t have to worry about getting separated again. I won’t let you go that easily.” Taemin crashed his lips on Onew’s. Onew soon took the lead, his lips invading Taemin’s flushed pink ones. Their long, languid, resolute kiss reflected how much they yearned for each other now, and to have the other in their lives.
It meant more than just a kiss - it meant they would never let each other slip away as easily as they did before.
The kiss soon ended when they both separated to catch some air. Taemin was the first to recover, grinning wildly. Dear Santa, thank you for making Onew hyung happy again.
“Merry Christmas, hyung!”