SSS 2012: For isyotm
For: isyotm
From: Your Secret Santa
Title: Undress Me
Pairing: Onew/Key
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Big!Jinki
Authors’ Notes: I hope you enjoy this and it is what you wanted. I hope you had a good holiday season :)
1.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
hard.
Jinki pulled at the bottom of his shirt and stared at himself in the mirror. He frowned at the reflection staring back at him, feeling disgusted with himself. The extra weight on his body was pulling his clothes in awkward, unattractive ways. His face rounder than most, and his what-could-be-handsome features were hidden behind the fat. It all weighed heavily on him, physically and mentally. Why couldn’t he just be happy with the way he was?
The boy of his dreams was in the other room, waiting for him to come back. They had been studying together for hours before they had finally decided to play one of the new games Kibum had bought. Jinki brushed his hair more into his face with his fingers, trying to cover the roundness of his face before he took a deep breath and walked back out into Kibum’s room. Kibum was lying on the carpet with his eyes closed until Jinki plopped beside him with a large sigh.
“What’s wrong?” Kibum asked. The boy opened his eyes and sat up slowly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Jinki lied, “I’m fine. Just a little tired is all.”
“Alright then, you ready to play?”
Jinki nodded and watched as Kibum reached over to start the game. Kibum’s shirt lifted up just enough for Jinki to see the creamy patch of skin and the dimples at the bottom of Kibum’s spine. With his small waist and round ass almost in front of Jinki’s face, it was nearly impossible not to stare. But those long lanky arms and tight stomach made him feel like a whale next to Kibum. He pulled his legs closer to his body in attempt to hide his stomach before Kibum could reach over and hand him his controller. When Kibum turned around and smiled at him, his stomach felt queasy but he stayed put.
They sat like that for hours, playing the same game before Kibum paused and rolled over onto his side. “Jinki,” he whined, “I am so hungry!”
“What do you want me to do about it?” he asked, pretending there was something interesting in the fibers of the carpet.
“Let’s go out to eat or something, I’ll even pay. I just don’t want to go alone.”
Jinki shook his head. “I’m actually not that hungry.”
Kibum rolled his eyes. “We haven’t eaten all day, Jinki.”
“I know. I’m just not that hungry,” Jinki protested but his stomach grumbled in defeat.
Kibum stood up and fixed his shirt before reaching his hand out. “Come on, I knew that if I was hungry, you had to be.”
Jinki could feel himself stiffen. He looked away, wanting to curl away from his best friend. That last part had struck him hard. “What is that suppose to mean?” he asked.
“What?” Kibum questioned, taken aback before his eyes widened, realizing what he had said. “Oh no, Jinki, that is not what I meant at all!”
“Yes it is.” His voice shook. “I am fat.”
“Don’t say that!” Kibum shouted. Leaning back down he grabbed Jinki’s face and made Jinki look at him. “No, Jinki, you are beautiful.”
Jinki looked into Kibum’s beautiful brown eyes and could not detect any lies. He could feel his hands shake and Kibum leaned closer to kiss him. Kibum’s lips were pressed hard against his, and both of their lips were chapped but it felt amazing. His first kiss, taken by the boy he had loved for so long.
By a skinny boy.
2.
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
Jinki looked down at the list of roles he could try out for, but they all seemed impossible. “I can’t play any of these characters,” he sighed. “I am going to be stuck behind the scenes once again.”
Kibum leaned over Jinki’s shoulder and plucked the paper out of his boyfriend’s hands. “There has to be something,” he insisted, “You’re the best our school has! You’re good at acting, singing, dancing, the whole nine yards! They would be stupid not to give you a role.”
“That’s not how it works, Kibum, and you know it. I have to be all of that and be good looking. They don’t want some fat kind prancing around stage; it’s not aesthetically pleasing to the audience. No one would want to watch me,” he confessed depressingly.
Kibum kissed his boyfriend on the cheek and massaged the knots in Jinki’s neck. “I love you, Jinki. I know it may not matter in the future, but it matters now. Someone does love you and someone will always love you. Don’t worry about those other people. They are all idiots for keeping you behind the curtains.”
He leaned back against the chair and looked up at that sharp jaw line above him, those collarbones that stuck out in almost any shirt. This was the being he wanted to be and the being he loved, all in one body. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Kibum.”
“Why don’t we do something a little fun to get your mind off of everything?” Kibum chuckled as he came around the chair, leaning down to undo the button on Jinki’s pants with a smirk on his face.
3.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
He stared up at the ceiling above him, one of his arms curled up around Kibum’s tiny waist. His satisfaction had turned into self-guilt within a few short hours. Jinki just wanted to get away from the perfect human laying beside him. It burned him. Before he could even think about what he was doing, Jinki found himself scooting off the bed just to see something.
Just to see if maybe Kibum wasn’t really in love with him, only pitying him for being a fat human being with no one to love. In the back of his mind he sometimes thought that there was no way someone as perfect as Kibum could be with him. At times like these he would search for any clues that the boy could be cheating on him, or talking to other guys the way he spoke to Jinki.
Like now. He reached into Kibum’s skinny jeans and pulled out his bright pink cellphone and dug through text messages to see if he would find anything. His shoulders slumped when he found nothing but pictures of them in Kibum’s phone - he found nothing but lovey dovey text messages between the two of them. Even though he knew Kibum was still faithful to him, Jinki felt empty.
Kibum was everything he wanted. He was everything Jinki needed, but his insecurities held him back from feeling the true happiness he wanted.
4.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks -
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
He knew the stares they got weren’t because they were gay -- it was him; they were staring at his hideous body in contrast to Kibum’s perfect figure. When they went on dates to the movies, people would move seats away from him and whisper things. There were no gay slurs in their whispers, but fat jokes and crude comments on his size. Jinki was an eyesore to society, but Kibum never noticed, or at least he acted like he didn’t.
When they were out in public, Jinki was not himself. He worried too much about the people around him that he ended up missing out on what was actually going on. Kibum always told him that Jinki cared too much about what other people thought, but if only Kibum knew what it was like to be tied down by the views of society. Kibum was normal. Kibum was amazing.
And Kibum was everything Jinki wasn’t.
5.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
“Jinki,” Kibum moaned as the elder moved inside of him.
Kibum’s eyes were never closed when they made love. It made Jinki feel good when Kibum would take in the sight of him and not look disgusted. When Kibum moaned out his name, he knew it was him that made Kibum feel this way.
Every once in awhile, he would ask Kibum what he could do to do better but all he ever told him was, “You and your huge cock are all I need.”
6.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
Even after so many times, Jinki could vividly remember how frightening their first time was. And yet, at the same time, Jinki realized that it was one of the milestone that set as a turning point in their relationship. It was when Kibum forced him to deal with his imperfection; at the same time, it was when Kibum helped him to acknowledge just how human it was, that nothing was wrong with being less than perfect.
When Kibum made the attempt to remove Jinki’s clothes, he reached out to stop him. “D-Don’t,” he gasped. Jinki pushed away Kibum’s hands from his shirt.
Kibum wanted to remove Jinki’s shell, the only thing that was between Kibum and seeing the real Jinki. Jinki’s clothes were suffocating him, but he couldn’t let go. When the boy leaned back and shook his head, Jinki knew he had ruined the moment.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered.
Kibum stared at him, his expression was several emotions thrown into one. Jinki tried to search for a sign of disgust or contempt, but all he could see was Kibum’s exasperation.
“You know what?” Kibum rose up from his bed, “This time we are going to do this my way.”
He went to the door and for a second, Jinki thought that he was leaving. He felt like a drop of hot coal fell into his stomach. However, it turned out that Kibum only went to turn on the light, which was--to Jinki’s horror--something else he had dreaded. Kibum took Jinki’s hand and led him up from the bed. Jinki tried to refuse, but Kibum was persistent.
“Come on, Jinki. Do it for me--please.”
It was only by sheer pressure from seeing Kibum nearly in tears that Jinki finally obeyed. When they finally stood by the bed, facing each other, Kibum smiled and began to kiss Jinki’s soft neck. His fingertips toyed with the buttons on Jinki’s shirt, undoing them one at a time during which Kibum kept whispering, “I love you,” and “You are beautiful,” into his ear, helping him to relax.
Jinki couldn’t help but wonder, when his shirt was finally thrown off only to land on a pile of books across the room, how Kibum could stare at him with his eyes full of nothing but adoration. It felt wrong, somehow; wasn’t Kibum supposed to feel sickened by what he saw? It felt surreal; the familiar view of his room, and the entirely new realm they were about to venture. Kibum’s mouth trailed lower, kissing the gradually exposed skin of Jinki’s chest. The older boy was torn between embarrassment and the pleasant tingles of having Kibum’s soft lips grazed upon his skin.
He couldn’t help but shiver as Kibum dug his fingernails into his thick sides as the younger one’s tongue dipped into his navel, letting go a guttural moan that in turn drew a chuckle from Kibum. When his lover’s mouth reached the rim of his rims, Jinki hesitated. He placed his hand on Kibum’s shoulder and pressed gently, signaling him to stop.
Kibum, who was halfway kneeling, looked up with his questioning stare. “What’s wrong?”
“I...” Jinki couldn’t muster up words to say.
Kibum smiled. “Will it help you if I strip myself first?”
Jinki’s mouth felt dry. Just how many times had he imagined the view of a naked Kibum? “Yes, please. I want to see you. I need to see you...”
Kibum’s eyes sparked with delight, and he stood up and took Jinki’s hand. “Help me?”
Jinki nodded, his hands tentatively reached over to pull the other boy’s shirt off, forceful from the need to feel that porcelain skin under his fingertips. Their mouths found one another’s, and the kiss deepened along with each abandoned article of Kibum’s clothing. And when Kibum kicked the skinny jeans from his ankles, Jinki finally stared at Kibum in all his nude beauty. Jinki swallowed.
“Do you like what you see?” Kibum smiled shyly.
Jinki reached out to touch Kibum’s skin. It felt wonderful beneath his fingertips, soft and warm. He could feel Kibum’s erratic heartbeat when he placed his palm over Kibum’s chest, and it made him feel confident, knowing that Kibum was somehow as nervous as he was.
“Yes,” Jinki answered. His answer was barely audible.
“I wanna see you too.” Kibum stepped closer, taking Jinki’s hands and planted a kiss on each of his fingertips. “Please?”
Jinki nodded, allowing Kibum to undo the button of his jeans. He bit his lower lip, trying to hold back the shadowing quiver. Slowly, he felt the thick denim fabric slide down into a pool around his feet, and he stepped out of them. Jinki closed his eyes when Kibum’s finger slipped into the elastic waistband of his boxer, feeling embarrassed at both his nakedness and how he was evidently excited.
“Oh my God...” Jinki heard Kibum whispered from his crouched position. All of a sudden, Jinki’s anxiety returned and increased.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Kibum said. “It’s just...it’s better than how I imagined.”
“Really?” Jinki asked.
Kibum looked up and nodded shyly, his hand reaching out to touch the area below Jinki’s waist--along his happy trail, down to his pubic hair, before it settled on Jinki’s thigh. “Can I? Please?”
Kibum did not need Jinki to answer. He took the liberty to grasp his lover’s cock in his hand gently and stroked it. He was tentative at first -- it was his first time doing this -- but he gradually gained confidence as he saw the effect of his action on Jinki. And right before he took Jinki’s cock into his mouth -- looking up, his eyes met Jinki’s -- Kibum prayed that his feelings would somehow reach his lover. And he said,
“You are beautiful as you are. I love you.”
Jinki closed his eyes, his fingers lost inside the tangle of Kibum’s blonde hair, as he finally believed, without any reservation, that Kibum indeed loved him.
7.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
Sometimes, it wasn’t about Jinki. Sometimes, insecurity managed to reach out and ensnare Kibum in its evil hands.
Ever since Kibum’s grandmother had passed, his boyfriend had quit eating. Kibum was beginning to think that he was too thin but it was hard for him to eat. Kibum claimed that every time he ate, he felt as though he was going to choke. Jinki could tell that Kibum’s bones were becoming more prominent, but he knew what Kibum needed.
And what Kibum needed was the same as what Kibum had been showing Jinki all along.
Even though Jinki didn’t feel up to par for Kibum, he cradled him in his arms when the boy cried.
“You’ve always been beautiful, Kibum,” he would whisper, “Nothing’s ever going to change that.”
At the corner of Jinki’s heart, however, there was a seed of doubt that grew stronger each day. A seed of doubt that led him to think, if there would come a day when Kibum realized just how precious he was, if Kibum would walk away.
8.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
The way she flirted with him as she give him his caramel macchiato was sickening. Couldn’t she see in the way they held hands that they were more than just friends? Despite that, she still tried her hardest to get his attention. They were both too kind to her. Kibum had a fake smile on his face but still continued small talk with her, and Jinki was nice enough to not reach over and not choke her.
Kibum did make it known to her that he was taken by his “amazing, handsome, lovely boyfriend”, but she pressed on. She acted as though she was betrayed when Kibum eventually walked away without even saying a word of goodbye. When they sat down at one of the small tables by the window Kibum complained. “Girls just never stop, do they? It was more than obvious I was with you, but they all have this kind of fantasy...”
Jinki absentmindedly agreed as he looked at the girl again. She was definitely cute and he could see why she thought she could get a hand on Kibum, but all he could think was why couldn’t he be her?
“Jinki?”
He looked back at the boy in front of him. “What? Sorry...”
“What were you thinking about?” Kibum asked, reaching out to hold Jinki’s hands in his.
Jinki shook his head. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s never nothing with you,” Kibum said, “Tell me.”
“I was thinking...” Jinki started hesitantly, “What it’d be like if I were her.”
“You’re too good to be anything like her, Jinki,” Kibum said with a smile on his face.
Jinki can’t help but feel silly in that moment for even thinking about such a thing. That was, of course, until a few weeks later when Jinki found himself picturing himself as her in everything.
Jinki was afraid to admit it to Kibum, but when he finally did Kibum didn’t get mad at all. Instead, Kibum took Jinki out everywhere, taking photos of them having a great time.
Even though Jinki hated the photos of himself, his boyfriend wouldn’t let him delete a single one. “If I look fabulous in these photos, so do you!” Kibum beamed as he danced around Jinki, holding his camera just out of reach.
The next day, Jinki found the photos they had taken together literally everywhere. There were photos of them stuffed in his textbook, his backpack, and he could have sworn he found one in his shower. When Jinki asked Kibum about it, the boy just grinned and pulled out a large envelope filled with their pictures. “It’s so you’ll never forget that you are the one in these pictures.”
9.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
“Jinki, I don’t care what’s underneath!” Kibum yelled. “Why don’t you get it?”
“When I look at you, you are perfect, but then I look at me and I’m the complete opposite!” Jinki shot back.
“Don’t fucking say that! Why is it no matter how hard I try to get you to understand that no matter how big you are, you are you and I couldn’t care less!”
Jinki shook his head in denial. “You’re the one who doesn’t understand! You don’t know what it’s like to be like this and you’ll never know. You were born with the looks of a god while I was made to look like this! Do you think I want to be like this? Trapped in a fat suit and unable to get out!”
“I try to understand, Jinki. I try to understand for you. You think it’s easy for me to not stuff my face in fear that if I get too big, or if one day, you finally shed some weight and found a girl or boy you like better, you’ll leave me?”
“What makes you think that I would do something like that? Did you think I only got together with you because you were some anorexic boy who needed help?”
Both boys were taken aback when Kibum’s hand met with Jinki’s face, the sound of the slap resonating through the entire room. The sting that Kibum’s hand left on his face was nowhere near as painful as the sting he felt inside. Kibum was breathing hard out of anger when Jinki took a step back.
Kibum frustratedly pushed back his hair with his fingers. “Is that all I am to you? An anorexic boy who needs a fat boy’s help? Then fuck off, Jinki, I’m not a charity case!”
“But you’re wrong. You mean the world to me.” Jinki’s voice was apprehensive at first, “That’s exactly my problem, Kibum. You’re like a living miracle in my life. And I found it hard to believe in what you’ve always told me. I mean, who am I? I’m nothing but an undeserving person. But if anything, I’m just someone who’s hopelessly in love with you.”
“It’s just hard when both of us have a hard time believing in what the other says when we can’t even believe in ourselves,” Kibum said, trying to bite back everything hateful.
“I want us to work through it, Kibum. No one can ever replace you; no one can ever be as wonderful as you have been to me. I’m sorry for every insensitive thing I’ve ever said to you because you don’t deserve it. We’ve never truly been happy together and I want us to be just that.”
Kibum took Jinki’s hand, grasping it tightly. “I want us to be happy too. We’ve gone through so many things together. I love you so much. You are beautiful no matter what. Don’t ever forget that, alright?”
Jinki nodded and placed his head on Kibum’s shoulders. “Don’t give up on me, Kibummie and I won’t give up on you. Even when I need constant reminder or a slap on my cheek, please don’t give up on me. I’m probably the densest person you’ll ever know. Without you, I don’t know what I would be like today.”
“Probably a mess,” Kibum joked, sniffling a bit.
“Probably,” Jinki agreed.
Both of them looked up at the same time, their eyes met, and suddenly they had the urge to laugh. And laughing they were, over their quarrel, their bouts of insecurities, but most of all, they were laughing for the fact that no matter what happened, they were still together, unscathed. Jinki drew a deep breath, through which he inhaled Kibum’s familiar scent of leather, wildflowers and sunshine. He closed his eyes, reliving his newfound freedom.
Kibum's fingers in his hair, Kibum's soft lips pressing over his, and their eyes staring straight ahead as their steps walked toward the same direction. That was all Jinki needed now.
That was all that mattered.
10.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
hard.
From: Your Secret Santa
Title: Undress Me
Pairing: Onew/Key
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Big!Jinki
Authors’ Notes: I hope you enjoy this and it is what you wanted. I hope you had a good holiday season :)
1.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
hard.
Jinki pulled at the bottom of his shirt and stared at himself in the mirror. He frowned at the reflection staring back at him, feeling disgusted with himself. The extra weight on his body was pulling his clothes in awkward, unattractive ways. His face rounder than most, and his what-could-be-handsome features were hidden behind the fat. It all weighed heavily on him, physically and mentally. Why couldn’t he just be happy with the way he was?
The boy of his dreams was in the other room, waiting for him to come back. They had been studying together for hours before they had finally decided to play one of the new games Kibum had bought. Jinki brushed his hair more into his face with his fingers, trying to cover the roundness of his face before he took a deep breath and walked back out into Kibum’s room. Kibum was lying on the carpet with his eyes closed until Jinki plopped beside him with a large sigh.
“What’s wrong?” Kibum asked. The boy opened his eyes and sat up slowly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Jinki lied, “I’m fine. Just a little tired is all.”
“Alright then, you ready to play?”
Jinki nodded and watched as Kibum reached over to start the game. Kibum’s shirt lifted up just enough for Jinki to see the creamy patch of skin and the dimples at the bottom of Kibum’s spine. With his small waist and round ass almost in front of Jinki’s face, it was nearly impossible not to stare. But those long lanky arms and tight stomach made him feel like a whale next to Kibum. He pulled his legs closer to his body in attempt to hide his stomach before Kibum could reach over and hand him his controller. When Kibum turned around and smiled at him, his stomach felt queasy but he stayed put.
They sat like that for hours, playing the same game before Kibum paused and rolled over onto his side. “Jinki,” he whined, “I am so hungry!”
“What do you want me to do about it?” he asked, pretending there was something interesting in the fibers of the carpet.
“Let’s go out to eat or something, I’ll even pay. I just don’t want to go alone.”
Jinki shook his head. “I’m actually not that hungry.”
Kibum rolled his eyes. “We haven’t eaten all day, Jinki.”
“I know. I’m just not that hungry,” Jinki protested but his stomach grumbled in defeat.
Kibum stood up and fixed his shirt before reaching his hand out. “Come on, I knew that if I was hungry, you had to be.”
Jinki could feel himself stiffen. He looked away, wanting to curl away from his best friend. That last part had struck him hard. “What is that suppose to mean?” he asked.
“What?” Kibum questioned, taken aback before his eyes widened, realizing what he had said. “Oh no, Jinki, that is not what I meant at all!”
“Yes it is.” His voice shook. “I am fat.”
“Don’t say that!” Kibum shouted. Leaning back down he grabbed Jinki’s face and made Jinki look at him. “No, Jinki, you are beautiful.”
Jinki looked into Kibum’s beautiful brown eyes and could not detect any lies. He could feel his hands shake and Kibum leaned closer to kiss him. Kibum’s lips were pressed hard against his, and both of their lips were chapped but it felt amazing. His first kiss, taken by the boy he had loved for so long.
By a skinny boy.
2.
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
Jinki looked down at the list of roles he could try out for, but they all seemed impossible. “I can’t play any of these characters,” he sighed. “I am going to be stuck behind the scenes once again.”
Kibum leaned over Jinki’s shoulder and plucked the paper out of his boyfriend’s hands. “There has to be something,” he insisted, “You’re the best our school has! You’re good at acting, singing, dancing, the whole nine yards! They would be stupid not to give you a role.”
“That’s not how it works, Kibum, and you know it. I have to be all of that and be good looking. They don’t want some fat kind prancing around stage; it’s not aesthetically pleasing to the audience. No one would want to watch me,” he confessed depressingly.
Kibum kissed his boyfriend on the cheek and massaged the knots in Jinki’s neck. “I love you, Jinki. I know it may not matter in the future, but it matters now. Someone does love you and someone will always love you. Don’t worry about those other people. They are all idiots for keeping you behind the curtains.”
He leaned back against the chair and looked up at that sharp jaw line above him, those collarbones that stuck out in almost any shirt. This was the being he wanted to be and the being he loved, all in one body. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Kibum.”
“Why don’t we do something a little fun to get your mind off of everything?” Kibum chuckled as he came around the chair, leaning down to undo the button on Jinki’s pants with a smirk on his face.
3.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
He stared up at the ceiling above him, one of his arms curled up around Kibum’s tiny waist. His satisfaction had turned into self-guilt within a few short hours. Jinki just wanted to get away from the perfect human laying beside him. It burned him. Before he could even think about what he was doing, Jinki found himself scooting off the bed just to see something.
Just to see if maybe Kibum wasn’t really in love with him, only pitying him for being a fat human being with no one to love. In the back of his mind he sometimes thought that there was no way someone as perfect as Kibum could be with him. At times like these he would search for any clues that the boy could be cheating on him, or talking to other guys the way he spoke to Jinki.
Like now. He reached into Kibum’s skinny jeans and pulled out his bright pink cellphone and dug through text messages to see if he would find anything. His shoulders slumped when he found nothing but pictures of them in Kibum’s phone - he found nothing but lovey dovey text messages between the two of them. Even though he knew Kibum was still faithful to him, Jinki felt empty.
Kibum was everything he wanted. He was everything Jinki needed, but his insecurities held him back from feeling the true happiness he wanted.
4.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks -
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
He knew the stares they got weren’t because they were gay -- it was him; they were staring at his hideous body in contrast to Kibum’s perfect figure. When they went on dates to the movies, people would move seats away from him and whisper things. There were no gay slurs in their whispers, but fat jokes and crude comments on his size. Jinki was an eyesore to society, but Kibum never noticed, or at least he acted like he didn’t.
When they were out in public, Jinki was not himself. He worried too much about the people around him that he ended up missing out on what was actually going on. Kibum always told him that Jinki cared too much about what other people thought, but if only Kibum knew what it was like to be tied down by the views of society. Kibum was normal. Kibum was amazing.
And Kibum was everything Jinki wasn’t.
5.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
“Jinki,” Kibum moaned as the elder moved inside of him.
Kibum’s eyes were never closed when they made love. It made Jinki feel good when Kibum would take in the sight of him and not look disgusted. When Kibum moaned out his name, he knew it was him that made Kibum feel this way.
Every once in awhile, he would ask Kibum what he could do to do better but all he ever told him was, “You and your huge cock are all I need.”
6.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
Even after so many times, Jinki could vividly remember how frightening their first time was. And yet, at the same time, Jinki realized that it was one of the milestone that set as a turning point in their relationship. It was when Kibum forced him to deal with his imperfection; at the same time, it was when Kibum helped him to acknowledge just how human it was, that nothing was wrong with being less than perfect.
When Kibum made the attempt to remove Jinki’s clothes, he reached out to stop him. “D-Don’t,” he gasped. Jinki pushed away Kibum’s hands from his shirt.
Kibum wanted to remove Jinki’s shell, the only thing that was between Kibum and seeing the real Jinki. Jinki’s clothes were suffocating him, but he couldn’t let go. When the boy leaned back and shook his head, Jinki knew he had ruined the moment.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered.
Kibum stared at him, his expression was several emotions thrown into one. Jinki tried to search for a sign of disgust or contempt, but all he could see was Kibum’s exasperation.
“You know what?” Kibum rose up from his bed, “This time we are going to do this my way.”
He went to the door and for a second, Jinki thought that he was leaving. He felt like a drop of hot coal fell into his stomach. However, it turned out that Kibum only went to turn on the light, which was--to Jinki’s horror--something else he had dreaded. Kibum took Jinki’s hand and led him up from the bed. Jinki tried to refuse, but Kibum was persistent.
“Come on, Jinki. Do it for me--please.”
It was only by sheer pressure from seeing Kibum nearly in tears that Jinki finally obeyed. When they finally stood by the bed, facing each other, Kibum smiled and began to kiss Jinki’s soft neck. His fingertips toyed with the buttons on Jinki’s shirt, undoing them one at a time during which Kibum kept whispering, “I love you,” and “You are beautiful,” into his ear, helping him to relax.
Jinki couldn’t help but wonder, when his shirt was finally thrown off only to land on a pile of books across the room, how Kibum could stare at him with his eyes full of nothing but adoration. It felt wrong, somehow; wasn’t Kibum supposed to feel sickened by what he saw? It felt surreal; the familiar view of his room, and the entirely new realm they were about to venture. Kibum’s mouth trailed lower, kissing the gradually exposed skin of Jinki’s chest. The older boy was torn between embarrassment and the pleasant tingles of having Kibum’s soft lips grazed upon his skin.
He couldn’t help but shiver as Kibum dug his fingernails into his thick sides as the younger one’s tongue dipped into his navel, letting go a guttural moan that in turn drew a chuckle from Kibum. When his lover’s mouth reached the rim of his rims, Jinki hesitated. He placed his hand on Kibum’s shoulder and pressed gently, signaling him to stop.
Kibum, who was halfway kneeling, looked up with his questioning stare. “What’s wrong?”
“I...” Jinki couldn’t muster up words to say.
Kibum smiled. “Will it help you if I strip myself first?”
Jinki’s mouth felt dry. Just how many times had he imagined the view of a naked Kibum? “Yes, please. I want to see you. I need to see you...”
Kibum’s eyes sparked with delight, and he stood up and took Jinki’s hand. “Help me?”
Jinki nodded, his hands tentatively reached over to pull the other boy’s shirt off, forceful from the need to feel that porcelain skin under his fingertips. Their mouths found one another’s, and the kiss deepened along with each abandoned article of Kibum’s clothing. And when Kibum kicked the skinny jeans from his ankles, Jinki finally stared at Kibum in all his nude beauty. Jinki swallowed.
“Do you like what you see?” Kibum smiled shyly.
Jinki reached out to touch Kibum’s skin. It felt wonderful beneath his fingertips, soft and warm. He could feel Kibum’s erratic heartbeat when he placed his palm over Kibum’s chest, and it made him feel confident, knowing that Kibum was somehow as nervous as he was.
“Yes,” Jinki answered. His answer was barely audible.
“I wanna see you too.” Kibum stepped closer, taking Jinki’s hands and planted a kiss on each of his fingertips. “Please?”
Jinki nodded, allowing Kibum to undo the button of his jeans. He bit his lower lip, trying to hold back the shadowing quiver. Slowly, he felt the thick denim fabric slide down into a pool around his feet, and he stepped out of them. Jinki closed his eyes when Kibum’s finger slipped into the elastic waistband of his boxer, feeling embarrassed at both his nakedness and how he was evidently excited.
“Oh my God...” Jinki heard Kibum whispered from his crouched position. All of a sudden, Jinki’s anxiety returned and increased.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Kibum said. “It’s just...it’s better than how I imagined.”
“Really?” Jinki asked.
Kibum looked up and nodded shyly, his hand reaching out to touch the area below Jinki’s waist--along his happy trail, down to his pubic hair, before it settled on Jinki’s thigh. “Can I? Please?”
Kibum did not need Jinki to answer. He took the liberty to grasp his lover’s cock in his hand gently and stroked it. He was tentative at first -- it was his first time doing this -- but he gradually gained confidence as he saw the effect of his action on Jinki. And right before he took Jinki’s cock into his mouth -- looking up, his eyes met Jinki’s -- Kibum prayed that his feelings would somehow reach his lover. And he said,
“You are beautiful as you are. I love you.”
Jinki closed his eyes, his fingers lost inside the tangle of Kibum’s blonde hair, as he finally believed, without any reservation, that Kibum indeed loved him.
7.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
Sometimes, it wasn’t about Jinki. Sometimes, insecurity managed to reach out and ensnare Kibum in its evil hands.
Ever since Kibum’s grandmother had passed, his boyfriend had quit eating. Kibum was beginning to think that he was too thin but it was hard for him to eat. Kibum claimed that every time he ate, he felt as though he was going to choke. Jinki could tell that Kibum’s bones were becoming more prominent, but he knew what Kibum needed.
And what Kibum needed was the same as what Kibum had been showing Jinki all along.
Even though Jinki didn’t feel up to par for Kibum, he cradled him in his arms when the boy cried.
“You’ve always been beautiful, Kibum,” he would whisper, “Nothing’s ever going to change that.”
At the corner of Jinki’s heart, however, there was a seed of doubt that grew stronger each day. A seed of doubt that led him to think, if there would come a day when Kibum realized just how precious he was, if Kibum would walk away.
8.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
The way she flirted with him as she give him his caramel macchiato was sickening. Couldn’t she see in the way they held hands that they were more than just friends? Despite that, she still tried her hardest to get his attention. They were both too kind to her. Kibum had a fake smile on his face but still continued small talk with her, and Jinki was nice enough to not reach over and not choke her.
Kibum did make it known to her that he was taken by his “amazing, handsome, lovely boyfriend”, but she pressed on. She acted as though she was betrayed when Kibum eventually walked away without even saying a word of goodbye. When they sat down at one of the small tables by the window Kibum complained. “Girls just never stop, do they? It was more than obvious I was with you, but they all have this kind of fantasy...”
Jinki absentmindedly agreed as he looked at the girl again. She was definitely cute and he could see why she thought she could get a hand on Kibum, but all he could think was why couldn’t he be her?
“Jinki?”
He looked back at the boy in front of him. “What? Sorry...”
“What were you thinking about?” Kibum asked, reaching out to hold Jinki’s hands in his.
Jinki shook his head. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s never nothing with you,” Kibum said, “Tell me.”
“I was thinking...” Jinki started hesitantly, “What it’d be like if I were her.”
“You’re too good to be anything like her, Jinki,” Kibum said with a smile on his face.
Jinki can’t help but feel silly in that moment for even thinking about such a thing. That was, of course, until a few weeks later when Jinki found himself picturing himself as her in everything.
Jinki was afraid to admit it to Kibum, but when he finally did Kibum didn’t get mad at all. Instead, Kibum took Jinki out everywhere, taking photos of them having a great time.
Even though Jinki hated the photos of himself, his boyfriend wouldn’t let him delete a single one. “If I look fabulous in these photos, so do you!” Kibum beamed as he danced around Jinki, holding his camera just out of reach.
The next day, Jinki found the photos they had taken together literally everywhere. There were photos of them stuffed in his textbook, his backpack, and he could have sworn he found one in his shower. When Jinki asked Kibum about it, the boy just grinned and pulled out a large envelope filled with their pictures. “It’s so you’ll never forget that you are the one in these pictures.”
9.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
“Jinki, I don’t care what’s underneath!” Kibum yelled. “Why don’t you get it?”
“When I look at you, you are perfect, but then I look at me and I’m the complete opposite!” Jinki shot back.
“Don’t fucking say that! Why is it no matter how hard I try to get you to understand that no matter how big you are, you are you and I couldn’t care less!”
Jinki shook his head in denial. “You’re the one who doesn’t understand! You don’t know what it’s like to be like this and you’ll never know. You were born with the looks of a god while I was made to look like this! Do you think I want to be like this? Trapped in a fat suit and unable to get out!”
“I try to understand, Jinki. I try to understand for you. You think it’s easy for me to not stuff my face in fear that if I get too big, or if one day, you finally shed some weight and found a girl or boy you like better, you’ll leave me?”
“What makes you think that I would do something like that? Did you think I only got together with you because you were some anorexic boy who needed help?”
Both boys were taken aback when Kibum’s hand met with Jinki’s face, the sound of the slap resonating through the entire room. The sting that Kibum’s hand left on his face was nowhere near as painful as the sting he felt inside. Kibum was breathing hard out of anger when Jinki took a step back.
Kibum frustratedly pushed back his hair with his fingers. “Is that all I am to you? An anorexic boy who needs a fat boy’s help? Then fuck off, Jinki, I’m not a charity case!”
“But you’re wrong. You mean the world to me.” Jinki’s voice was apprehensive at first, “That’s exactly my problem, Kibum. You’re like a living miracle in my life. And I found it hard to believe in what you’ve always told me. I mean, who am I? I’m nothing but an undeserving person. But if anything, I’m just someone who’s hopelessly in love with you.”
“It’s just hard when both of us have a hard time believing in what the other says when we can’t even believe in ourselves,” Kibum said, trying to bite back everything hateful.
“I want us to work through it, Kibum. No one can ever replace you; no one can ever be as wonderful as you have been to me. I’m sorry for every insensitive thing I’ve ever said to you because you don’t deserve it. We’ve never truly been happy together and I want us to be just that.”
Kibum took Jinki’s hand, grasping it tightly. “I want us to be happy too. We’ve gone through so many things together. I love you so much. You are beautiful no matter what. Don’t ever forget that, alright?”
Jinki nodded and placed his head on Kibum’s shoulders. “Don’t give up on me, Kibummie and I won’t give up on you. Even when I need constant reminder or a slap on my cheek, please don’t give up on me. I’m probably the densest person you’ll ever know. Without you, I don’t know what I would be like today.”
“Probably a mess,” Kibum joked, sniffling a bit.
“Probably,” Jinki agreed.
Both of them looked up at the same time, their eyes met, and suddenly they had the urge to laugh. And laughing they were, over their quarrel, their bouts of insecurities, but most of all, they were laughing for the fact that no matter what happened, they were still together, unscathed. Jinki drew a deep breath, through which he inhaled Kibum’s familiar scent of leather, wildflowers and sunshine. He closed his eyes, reliving his newfound freedom.
Kibum's fingers in his hair, Kibum's soft lips pressing over his, and their eyes staring straight ahead as their steps walked toward the same direction. That was all Jinki needed now.
That was all that mattered.
10.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
hard.