SHINee Shorts 2013: bianse

[replaymods]

Title: Realities
Author: bianse
Pairing: Jonghyun/Key, Jonghyun/Taemin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:For scares
Word Count: 9,147



"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."
- Lao Tzu

“...Jjong, can you put almond milk on the shopping list?"

Jonghyun looked up from his laptop and towards the kitchen. The refrigerator door was partially open and all he could see was a perky bottom. Jonghyun smiled at the endless chatter, appreciating the sight of his boyfriend's butt.

"I swear, Jjong, are you even listening to me?" asked Kibum. He straightened up to glare at Jonghyun. "Just look at this," he shook a carton of milk and stared expectantly. When Jonghyun didn't immediately respond he sighed and put the milk back. "You know regular milk makes me gassy and gross. And I hate being gassy and gross."

"I'm sorry babe," said Jonghyun. "Next time I'll buy almond milk for you--oh!" Jonghyun was suddenly struck by inspiration. He turned back to his laptop and typed a few words. A minute passed before he shook his head and erased the last two paragraphs he had written. His novel was just not coming out the way he wanted it to; he wished he could just get over his writer’s block.

"You’re ignoring me and I don’t like it," murmured Kibum. He wrapped thin arms around Jonghyun's neck and peeked over his shoulder. "Plus you have a typo here." He pointed at the screen. "What kind of writer doesn't know how to spell ennui? Jeez," he joked.

Kibum yelped as Jonghyun manhandled him into his lap. He playfully struggled and managed to smack Jonghyun in the arm, causing the laptop to balance precariously on the edge, ready to topple, but neither young man cared. Jonghyun laughed again and carded fingers through black locks, effectively bringing Kibum closer.

"The kind of writer that loves his cutie gassy boyfriend?"

"That's not romantic at all!" protested Kibum. He hummed none-too-quietly as Jonghyun bit at his lip.

A loud chime thrilled in the otherwise quiet room.

“Reminder: Meeting with Jinri in 15 minutes.”

Jonghyun blinked and stared blankly at his computer. Where did this meeting alert come from? What was he doing again?

Only after a few moments of befuddled blinking did Jonghyun notice that he was at work, and more importantly, what he should have been working on instead of staring blankly into space. The spreadsheet that he had been working on was a mess. It was a clutter of formula errors, partially filled in cells, and half formatted rows and columns.

"Huh another dream?" Jonghyun muttered confusedly under his breath. "I don't think I was asleep that time. Did I imagine that? It was such a nice vision or whatever."

At the very bottom was a red-filled cell, signaling that the totals were off balance from each other. Jonghyun groaned and rubbed his eyes. He cursed inwardly, hating the fact that he had chosen a mundane job in finance instead of pursuing a career in writing.

"Hyung, would you like more coffee?" asked a voice from behind him.

Jonghyun turned around from his desk and smiled wearily. Taemin stood at his cubicle doorway with a nearly empty pot of coffee in his hand. Fresh out of college, still baby faced and panda-eyed from late nights, Taemin was the youngest member of the team. He was also trying his hardest to charm everyone into giving him a pay raise, despite doing little to no work at his job.

"Sure,” he said. “Thank you, Taemin."

"How’s the report going?"

Jonghyun watched, shoulders squared and tense, as Taemin poured the rest of the coffee into his mug. He sighed as Taemin spilled coffee on his desk.

"I have a meeting with Jinri at one, need to at least fix all these errors before I show it to her. Don't know how there are so many errors, maybe I drifted off while working or something."

“Well, good luck!" waved Taemin cheerily. "I know next to nothing about balancing expense reports or even fixing Excel formulas, but if you ever need a person to provide useless encouragement, then I'll be happy to help!"

Jonghyun shook his head and went back to his spreadsheet, his previous dream forgotten. It was like any other day.

"This isn't the reality that I wanted."

Every day, Jonghyun rode the subway to and from work. And every day the subway ride was uneventful. Normally, Jonghyun liked riding the subway, it gave him time to think, to dream. He liked thinking of 'what ifs' and imagining the impact of a simple decision in a day. Sometimes he caught himself daydreaming, his mind wandering the vast corners of logic and space.

Jonghyun likened it to a mental vacation in his headspace. Kibum likened it to Jonghyun getting mentally lost.

And it wasn’t as if Jonghyun hated his life, just enough to keep dreaming for bigger and better things, whatever they were. Admittedly, he would be lying if he had said that his job wasn’t demanding and the cause of most of his imaginative mental escapades, but it was bearable.

Overall, Jonghyun was okay with his life. He had a steady career, a sweet boyfriend, and a good social life. But like most young people, sometimes Jonghyun wanted more. He didn’t know what, but he just wanted more.

Today was a long day. Jonghyun was tired and wanted to go back home and cuddle. His meeting with Jinri didn't go the way he had intended and he was still nursing the headache from his client's wayward logic. Within the first ten minutes of the meeting, Jinri had a change of heart--or, in her words "a stroke of genius"--and wanted the report to be error filled. She had even intentionally made some herself, just so that she could explain to her boss why they needed to do things her way. Jonghyun had stopped caring after the fifteen minute mark.

This was not the reality that Jonghyun wanted at all.

He was just dozing off in a headache-induced stupor when he received a text. Half-asleep, Jonghyun reflexively dug around his pockets for his phone. Eventually he found it in his shirt pocket. It was from Kibum.

"can u buy milk? 2% plz. don't get that nonfat stuff. tastes like water."

Jonghyun stared at his phone, willing himself to not laugh out loud in public. His boyfriend was so demanding at times.

"i thought regular milk gave u stomach problems??" typed Jonghyun in response.

"no?? jjong /almond/ milk gives me gas. Jeez, i thought u knew that :c"

"sorry babe, must have gotten you mixed up with someone else," messaged Jonghyun. He put his phone away and slouched down in his seat. He furrowed his brows, thinking about how something seemed off. The train rumbled quietly as it went through a tunnel and Jonghyun could hear the cheery automated voice tell him that it was time to transfer to the Red line.

"Kibum doesn’t like almond milk, " Jonghyun muttered. He shifted slightly as the world moved around him.

"Euljiro Sam-Ga, this is Euljiro Sam-Ga, transfer to the Line Two at Euljiro Sam-Ga."

The train rustled as the passengers rushed towards the doors. Some were exiting, some entering. All around, it was a whirl of colors, the hustle and bustle of an end of a work day. Jonghyun sat on a bench, leaning against the back of the seat. His eyes were mostly closed, and his breathing was even. His eyeballs moved minutely behind his eyelids, the small folds of skin fluttering from REM movement. To Jonghyun, the sight behind his eyelids was as richly colorful and lively as the life around him. A few moments later the train started again.

"Next Stop, Chungmuro Station, Transfer to Line Four at Chungmuro Station."

Jonghyun sighed and started walking back to his apartment. He had fallen asleep and had missed his stop by several stations.

"If only I stayed awake,” he grumbled. “I would have made home by now and be snuggling with Kibum. This is not the reality that I want at all."

"Two tablespoons of sugar, dash of vanilla…" recited Kibum robotically. He looked at his notebook, eyes narrowing as he tried to decipher the last scribble on the scrap of paper. After a few more minutes of intense squinting, he eventually gave up and looked at the clock.

"Where is he?" Kibum wondered out loud. "He should’ve been home by now." He toyed with the intricate hourglass necklace that hung around his neck, a nervous habit.

"I swear if that daydreaming dummy is late, I'll cook him in his sleep," muttered Kibum. "He knows that I've been excited to eat dinner together."

He perked at the sound of a familiar ding, an indication that he had received a text. He fetched his phone and read the texts, all while absently plucking at the necklace chain. .

"hi babe. be home in 25 with the milk. subway was awfully full today. miss u <3 jjong"

Kibum smiled at the text and went back to making dinner.

It was a little while later that Jonghyun walked through the door. Dinner was clearly ready, and the table set, but Kibum was nowhere to be found.

"Kibum?" called Jonghyun. He carefully toed off his shoes and took a long, hard look at the table. "Huh, the table is nice and pretty, I hope it's not our anniversary of something," he muttered as he carefully put away his coat and work items. The milk was safely stored in the fridge, next to a bottle of wine.

"Baby? Where are you?" called Jonghyun. He slowly walked through the apartment making sure to check every nook and cranny. There were times where Kibum would hide and then startle Jonghyun as he walked past. Kibum seemed to think it was funny. Jonghyun not as much, but he humored his boyfriend.

The bedroom door was closed, but the light was on. Jonghyun opened the door and smiled at the sight.

There Kibum was, curled up on the bed, sleeping soundly, arms tightly gripping Jonghyun's pillow. His blond hair was tousled and he looked comfortable in his baggy shirt and summer shorts. Jonghyun sat down gently and gathered Kibum in his arms. The sleeping boy subconsciously snuggled closer to Jonghyun's chest, seeking warmth. Jonghyun smiled as he caught a glint of silver dangling from Kibum’s neck; it was the necklace he bought for their first anniversary.

Jonghyun had missed this, being close with Kibum. Between Jonghyun's job demanding too much of his attention and Kibum busy traveling for exhibitions, they haven't been this close in weeks. Kibum stirred, nose wrinkling slightly. Jonghyun was enthralled as ever as Kibum woke up. He held his breath as Kibum's eyelids fluttered awake, the lashes looking soft and dark against his cheek. Jonghyun watched as those sharp eyes brightened in recognition. Kibum was beautiful.

"Hey, sleepyhead," said Jonghyun.

"Hi," said Kibum. He yawned before moving to sit up. "When did you get back home?"

"Long enough to find you cuddling with my pillow. I'm jealous."

Kibum giggled, a loud boisterous noise bubbling merrily from his mouth. Jonghyun wouldn't trade this life for any other if it meant that he would miss out on Kibum's laughter or his whining or even his nagging. He yelped as Kibum head-butted him playfully, making him bite his lip hard.

"Ow! That hurt!"

Kibum had the decency to look apologetic before he kissed it better.

"We never touched the fantastic dinner I made," whined Kibum a little while later. He sat up to pout at Jonghyun. "Or talk about our day, I miss talking about my day with you."

"Let’s have it as breakfast,” said Jonghyun. “I love coffee with a side of Kibum complaints. Now shut up." He pulled Kibum down for another kiss.

Moonlight seeped through the window, casting an ethereal glow in their room. Jonghyun laid in bed, staring at Kibum's features. The light cast sharp shadows on his face, contouring the sharp edges of his cheeks and eyes. Jonghyun traced the outline of Kibum’s collarbone, finger nudging against the hourglass pendant. At that moment Jonghyun felt happy, content.

The next morning, Kibum woke up to an empty bed.

“He was supposed to have coffee with me,” whined Kibum, petulantly rolling on the bed. He wrapped himself in a blanket and went to send Jonghyun an angry text.

"So, I hear you have the hots for Jinki-hyung," said Jonghyun smugly. He plastered a fake smile on his face as he watched Kibum blush. A few tables over, in the supposed "cool" section of the high school cafeteria, he could see Lee Jinki and Choi Minho sit down and start to eat.

Kibum knew nothing about Jonghyun’s crush. It broke his heart that Kibum liked someone else, that he didn’t see Jonghyun as anything but a friend. He didn’t like this reality. He didn’t want to accept it.

"C'mon, I bet he likes you too," said Jonghyun. Kibum squawked and then tried to smother him with his binder.

"Shut up, he might overhear," hissed Kibum. "Oh my god why do I tell you anything? Everyone knows you can’t do indoor voices."

"Hey, I do too know how to use my indoor voice!" said Jonghyun, very loudly. Minho, the resident track star, nudged Jinki and pointed in Kibum's direction. Kibum tugged sadly at his hair, smoothing and unsmoothing his curled sides.

Jonghyun smiled, eyes soft as he watch Kibum continue to fidget and blush. He really was cute, with his normally pale cheeks stained a bright pink. His face matched his brightly dyed pink bangs.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but notice that Kibum’s neck looked bare, like it was missing something important.

“Hey, Kibum, how come you’re not wearing your silver necklace?”

“What are you talking about?” Kibum said absently as he stared at his reflection in his phone screen. “I don’t have a silver necklace.”

“What? I thought I got you one--”

"Are they still looking?" he whispered. "Gawd, Jjong if I don't kill myself from embarrassment, I will murder you in your sleep, mark my words--"

"Kibum, do you have a moment?"

They both turned around to see Jinki standing there, an earnest smile on his face. He looked nervous. From behind him, Minho gestured for Jonghyun to leave.

"See you around, Kibummie," said Jonghyun. He clapped a hand on Kibum's shoulder. Kibum wordlessly reached for Jonghyun, needing his support. Jonghyun gently weaseled out of his grip. "I need to go, maybe bug Taemin for his lunch money with Minho." He willed himself to move away, eyes lingering on Kibum's mouth.

He didn’t want this to be reality.

"But Jjong--"

"Jonghyun!"

Jonghyun opened his eyes and sat up straighter in his seat. His manager, Yunho, looked on with concern. "Are you okay Jonghyun? You've been spacey since I saw you walk in this morning. Are you sick?”

"Morning?" repeated Jonghyun. He looked around the room and realized that he was at work--that they were in the middle of the daily action items meeting with Yunho, Krystal, and Taemin. "Wait, when did I get to work?"

"Are you sure you’re okay?" asked Krystal. She was sitting next to him. Jonghyun could smell the light hints of citrus in her perfume. "You’re flushed. And sweaty."

"Jonghyun," Yunho asked gently. "do you need to take today off?”

"No, I think I am fine," muttered Jonghyun confusedly. That was the worst dream he had experienced, and it felt so real. Jonghyun shuddered violently at the thought. "Actually. I just need some air."

He left the room before Yunho could say another word elsewise.

Krystal looked on worriedly before speaking. "I know what his actionable items were, and that he can’t do anything since Yoochun is on vacation until next week.

“Then I suppose Jonghyun could take today off,” said Yunho. “Taemin, any progress on getting Naeun to sign off on your project extension?”

“Naeun wants to haggle on price points, but give me another day and I think I can get her to sign,” said Taemin. “Also I do think Jonghyun needs a long break. I heard him muttering to himself yesterday after his meeting with Jinri. It was kind of scary.

Yunho sighed before he shook his head, eyes tired.

“Very well. He can have a week, but only until Yoochun comes back. Taemin, can you find Jonghyun and tell him?"

Jonghyun was in the restroom, staring intently into the mirror. His own face seemed foreign to him.

"What was that?" asked Jonghyun. He splashed cold water onto his face, noting his flushed cheeks and wild eyes. "I didn't know Kibum in high school. What is happening to me?"

"You know, I ask myself that all the time."

Jonghyun jumped and banged his hand against the faucet. It was Taemin.

"Taemin, you scared me, don't do that."

"Sorry," said Taemin. He didn't sound that sorry at all. "I came to check up on you, and to tell you that you’re on vacation for a week.”

Jonghyun sputtered intelligently before Taemin held up a hand to stop him. “You can afford to take some sick days, hyung," he said. "It's summer, most of our clients are on vacation anyways. Go home and take a nap. Get some rest." he said turning away. "You looked like you've lived life five times over."

Jonghyun blinked. He didn’t like this, not one bit.

"No, no, no!" yelled Minho. "That isn't how the dance is supposed to go! It's step, glide, step, step glide. " He gestured wildly, veins bulging in his neck. His face was red and sweaty from the sun.

"Shut up Minho, I know what I'm doing!" shrieked Key in return. His brown hair was plastered to his forehead, wet with perspiration. "And it's step, step, glide, step, glide. This is why you're a beat off all the time!"

Jonghyun sighed from his seat on the edge of the stage and took a gulp of water. They had been rehearsing for only 30 minutes and he was already more tired than he could remember. Jonghyun looked over at Key, cheekbones sharp and brows tense. Jonghyun couldn’t remember Key ever looking that stressed.

A gentle poke brought him out of his reverie. Jinki. He pointed at Jonghyun’s water bottle and made a gesture at his hair. Jonghyun lazily passed the water to Jinki, who merely emptied it over his head. It was mid-August and SHINee was rehearsing for a Summer K-POP concert. They were supposed to do a special stage with EXO, but due to a slight schedule mix-up, the other group wasn't due for another three hours.

They were at the concert venue two hours early, rehearsing in the sun. It was only the four of them, Taemin was off on another schedule, filming something for We Got Married and Jonghyun kind of wished he was with him. Anything to get away from Key and Minho and their fighting. Jonghyun hated fighting.

“I hate how our schedules are so messed up these days,” said Jinki. His eyes were closed.

“Yeah.”

“I love singing and dancing, but sometimes I just wish I could have a normal life,” said Jinki. He opened his eyes and looked at Minho and Key, who were still arguing over dance steps.

“Yeah, sometimes I wish I could have some normal office job and go places without being screamed at by fans,” said Jonghyun absently.

“But would you?” asked Jinki.

"Are you gonna break that up anytime soon?" Jonghyun asked Jinki, changing the subject. Jinki gave him a look. A look that asked if he was stupid for even thinking the question and a look that made it aware that Jinki knew what Jonghyun just did.

"Nah, they'll figure out eventually that they are both wrong," he said, just quietly enough so that only Jonghyun could hear. "It's step, glide, step, glide, step."

Jonghyun laughed, a forced bark. It caught attention of both Minho and Key.

"And what is your problem?" asked Key.

Jonghyun shook his head. He caught himself daydreaming, again, some wild fantasy about being a member of a pop band. He sighed again and wondered what broke him out this time, before he heard it.

His phone buzzed incessantly in his pocket. It was Yunho.

“Hello, Yunho?”

“Hi Jonghyun, are you feeling better?” asked Yunho. “I sent Taemin to give you the rest of today and next week off and I missed you before you left. Too many meetings, haha.”

“Thank you Yunho,” said Jonghyun. “It was very nice of you to ask.” He looked around dazedly, suddenly aware and confused as to where he was. It appeared as if he was on the third floor. Jonghyun never went to the third floor.

“Anyways, if you’re still in the building, you should see Dr. Choi.”

“Doctor Choi?”

“Minho, I mean, Dr. Choi, is the company psychiatrist,” said Yunho. Jonghyun could hear part of an argument in the background. Apparently Krystal had surreptitiously changed the wallpaper of Taemin’s laptop to a picture of a Korean boyband and Taemin was none too happy.

“You can speak to him about whatever is troubling you,” said Yunho loudly into the phone over the squabbling. “He’s located on the third floor.”

"Doctor, I think I am going insane," said Jonghyun. "Do you know the feeling when you're about to fall into or wake up from a dream? The feeling that something feels so real but--"

"Jonghyun, I'm going to stop you," said the doctor. "What you are describing is something called sleep hypnogogia. It's sometimes called visions of half-sleep, dreamlets. Anyways, I think you are also a narcoleptic. You are falling asleep so quickly and so randomly, but are stuck in this half-sleep state, experiencing these 'visions', due to your wandering mind."

Jonghyun clenched his jaw, eyebrows furrowed as he thought about the doctor's diagnosis. He didn't believe him. Especially since his session with his company's psychiatrist had only started 15 minutes ago, nobody should diagnose someone so quickly.

"Are you sure? I mean, what are the other possibilities? We should explore--"

"Jonghyun, here is a prescription. This will help you regulate your sleeping patterns. Please visit the pharmacy. Your health insurance should cover it. If not, speak with HR. Now, good day."

With that, Jonghyun was unceremoniously ordered out of the doctor's office. He stood outside stupidly, looking at the piece of paper the doctor had practically thrown at him.

"Whatta quack," Jonghyun muttered. He tossed the prescription into the garbage and started home.

"Ow!" Jonghyun yelped as he clutched at his elbow. "Stupid bee!"

"Are you okay?” asked his boyfriend. “Do you want ointment to put on it?"

"Nah, I should be fine," said Jonghyun. He put aside his music composition. "Actually, are you hungry? We should have dumplings for dinner!"

"Sure Hyun, I’ll call them." He made a noise of protest as Jonghyun ruffling his hair.

"Hey, I deserve more than a hair ruffle, I demand to be affectioned!"

"Luhan, I think the word is ‘rewarded’'," said Jonghyun.

Jonghyun carefully put aside his thesis and then started moving Luhan’s Korean language homework to the other side. They stared at each other, daring the other to blink.. Luhan's smile was mischievous.

"Compensated, paid, loved," Jonghyun continued, moving his face closer to Luhan's upturned one.

“And?”

He looked at his boyfriend, curled up on the couch. His eyes were heavy lidded and sleepy. For some reason, a reason Jonghyun couldn’t place, his boyfriend of three years suddenly looked like a stranger. There was something off with the gentle childlike eyes and the soft lilting voice of the boy beneath him.

This wasn’t Jonghyun’s reality. Not at all.

"Sir, your order please?" asked the woman. Jonghyun was caught off guard when he realized that he was suddenly inside of a coffee shop. He was inside a coffee shop, ordering coffee. The barista looked irritated and frazzled as Jonghyun decided to drop in during their early afternoon rush.

"Um, never mind, I don't want coffee after all," he mumbled, stepping away from the register. Behind him, he could hear a bunch of teenagers snickering at him.

Jonghyun stepped outside and looked at the sky. Took a close look at it. He had worked in this neighborhood for five years and yet, it looked so foreign to him.

He started back home.

As he walked towards the subway, Jonghyun had a change of heart and headed further south. He suddenly wanted to see his boyfriend, badly. He also was suddenly craving dumplings.

Jonghyun made a quick stop at his favorite Chinese restaurant for take-out. He grinned and left an extra-large tip for the waitress, ever so mindful of the lunch dumpling specials. Soon he was standing in front of his boyfriend’s studio.

Jonghyun entered, smiling at the assistant before heading straight to the back, where his boyfriend was. Jonghyun walked in and smiled at the sight.

There he was, a concentrated expression on his face. And large knife in his hand. Jonghyun coughed to get his attention.

“Hi sweetie.”

"Hi?"

The large knife was set aside and Jonghyun watched as his boyfriend wiped his clay covered hands on his apron. He was just starting on his new piece, a sculpture for a children's park. Jonghyun suddenly hated himself for disturbing him. But the smile on his boyfriend’s face made everything better.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have work?"

"I missed you," said Jonghyun simply. "And I thought it'd be nice if we got lunch together for once." He gestured at the bag of Chinese food.

"Oh, aren't you a great boyfriend?" said the other boy coyly. He slid closer and wrapped his arms around Jonghyun's neck. "And how much did you have to pay to swing this by your 'I always give 140%' manager?"

"I have my charms. Now come on Luhan, let's eat before the dumplings gets cold."

Kibum stilled after hearing the name of his assistant tumble from Jonghyun's mouth. The hourglass was caught in his shirt collar, and Jonghyun wanted so badly to fix it, but not when Kibum was looking at him like that.

"What did you call me?"

Jonghyun's eyes widened comically before he jolted away from Kibum, as if shocked.

Jonghyun walked home in his undershirt. He lamented over the stain on his new work shirt, on which Kibum had thrown the dumpling sauce at him in a fit of anger. He didn't get to tell Kibum about his visit to the quack psychiatrist or his forced mini-vacation from work. He realized, after arriving at home, that he had a bee sting on his arm. The welt was raised and red; it looked like it couldn’t have been more than a few hours old.

The bee sting was all but forgotten when Kibum came home. The younger didn't speak to Jonghyun. Didn't even look at him.

Jonghyun took to staring out the window at the moon. He didn't sleep that night.

“This isn’t the reality that I want at all.”

“Roo, are you ready for dinner?”

Jonghyun smiled at the small dog jumping by his feet. Carefully he raised himself up from his chair and made his way to the kitchen. He walked slowly, careful to mind his hip, holding his cane for support. He had thought of moving to a retirement home, but he couldn’t bear to leave his house. It was his house and he liked living on his own.

“There you go, delicious dog food. Bone appetit,” he said, chuckling at his horrible pun.

Jonghyun smiled as he watched the dog excitedly eat, tail wagging a mile a minute. He sat down, suddenly too tired to make his own dinner. As he rested, Jonghyun looked out the kitchen window and saw the moon.

“What a beautiful moon,” he murmured. “She loved the moon. Do you remember her Roo?” Roo had wandered outside, tail disappearing through the door flap.

Jonghyun had never felt so lonely in his life.

“If only I had died first.”

The next day, Kibum woke up to an empty bed; Jonghyun was asleep on the couch, the window open. He checked his messages and found an email from a concerned Yunho, requesting Jonghyun to stay home for the week and rest. Kibum sighed and wrung his hands.

"I'm sorry I called you Luhan. I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Everything is so weird."

"I..I know. I'm not mad at you, just worried. I woke up at four this morning and you were staring out the window at the moon. It was kind of creepy."

"What? Kibum, is that true?"

"I don't know anymore. Maybe I was dreaming. Whatever. Let's eat, I'm hungry."

While Kibum was busy making lunch, Jonghyun called the doctor.

"Hi Dr. Choi," began Jonghyun.

"Hello Jonghyun, did you fill that prescription that I wrote to you? It ought to do the trick."

"Yes, yes sure," said Jonghyun. "Hey, I wanted to discuss my visions with you. I don’t know, but I can’t help but feel like my visions are becoming more real and---"

"Jonghyun," the doctor cut in. "we have already discussed this; these visions or half-dreams are not real. They only seem real because you're confused. "

"But this one was real! I have a bee sting to prove it!"

"A bee sting," repeated the doctor, his voice flat. "How could a bee sting prove anything?"

"I had a vision," said Jonghyun, suddenly growing animated. "And in the vision I was stung by a bee, and when I woke up, I had a welt on my elbow. See, these dreams are real!"

A beat passed before the doctor spoke.

"Are you telling me that you are self-diagnosing yourself based on a little welt? Jonghyun-sshi, how could you not notice when a bee stings you? Please take your medication and call me back next week when you're done recuperating."

"But--," started Jonghyun before the doctor hung up on him. "But I was wearing a long sleeve shirt and jacket all day," he said sadly. The dial tone buzzed in his ear.

Dinner was quiet as the normally chatty Kibum was worried and the equally chatty Jonghyun was lost in his own thoughts. Kibum absently played with his necklace. The light clacking of the necklace was the only sound in the room. It took them a few moments before they realized that they had both finished dinner and were staring at empty plates.

“Dishes?” asked Kibum. He brushed a cold hand on Jonghyun’s wrist.

“Yeah.”

Soon they were in the kitchen, doing dishes. Kibum washing, Jonghyun drying. Wordlessly Kibum handed Jonghyun a mug.

Jonghyun took it in his hands and began drying the mug. He could not get the conversation with Dr. Choi out of his mind. Was he really that out of it to not notice a bee stinging him?

He also didn’t realize that the mug had slipped out of his hands. At least not until it shattered on the kitchen tiles.

"Jjong, you clumsy oaf," chided Kibum. The corners of his mouth were down turned; he looked sad, as if he was sending off an old friend at the airport. He brushed a soapy hand across Jonghyun's jaw, trailing little suds over the curve of his cheek. Jonghyun couldn't help but flinch and Kibum noticed.

"You broke our mug."

Jonghyun looked down at his feet and there it was. It was the mug from their first date, something Kibum made to impress Jonghyun. Little ceramic pieces littered the ground by his socked feet, a broken memory. He moved to get out of the way before Kibum put stilled him with a firm hand on his elbow.

"I'm sorry, I'll get the dustpan…"

"No, you'll cut your feet. I'll get the broom, stay here, don't leave. And don't break any more of our mugs."

Jonghyun watched, upset as Kibum wandered away to get the broom. He was leaving him.

"...and then I was all, ‘Amber you can't do that--that's unethical’---Jjong. Jjong, are you even listening?"

Jonghyun was startled from his musings by the sound of Kibum's voice. He seemed angry and a bit hurt that his boyfriend wasn’t paying attention..

"I'm sorry, must have zoned out. What were you saying that was so important?" he said sarcastically, not even bothering to not roll his eyes. Kibum was now fuming.

"It is important and what was the last thing you heard me say?"

"Um, something about how you think the tall doctor keeps on hitting on you?"

"Not think, I know," said Kibum. His eyes were hard as he tilted his chin defiantly. "At least Minho thinks I'm worth listening to, which is more than I can say about you. You are such a bad boyfriend, you know."

Jonghyun saw red.

"You're right, I don't think what you say is worth my time; I think you're irrational, and unhealthy to be around, and shallow and," Jonghyun paused, feeling a sense of sadistic glee soar through his system as he tore at Kibum. "Just in general, a sad excuse for a boyfriend and human being. It's a wonder why I could have ever liked you."

Jonghyun and Kibum’s relationship had lost its spark. They saw each other too much, had too many half-hearted dinners together to even be enjoyable. Jonghyun was sick of Kibum's complaints, his princess temper tantrums and his demanding nature. Their personalities were too similar, and every little habit Kibum had, a habit that Jonghyun used to find endearing and lovable, he now found toxic and annoying. Jonghyun found himself wondering why he had even bothered joining Kibum for this dinner.

Maybe he had hoped they could patch things up. Maybe he had hoped that Kibum would break up with him. Or maybe Jonghyun had hoped that he could bring himself to break up with Kibum. Or Jonghyun was stuck here at least another night, he had already missed his last train out.

“I should apologize,” thought Jonghyun. “At least so that I won’t be kicked out and on the street tonight.”

The room was quiet as Kibum stared at him, eyes wide and shining with unshed tears. Finally after a few moments, he looked away and began playing with his food. Jonghyun knew that he had struck a nerve, just by how quiet the normally hot-tempered boy was being.

In the back of his mind, Jonghyun knew that this felt wrong. That this isn’t how they were, but he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t know why he felt so much rage towards the other boy. Jonghyun suddenly felt like the universe’s biggest jerk. There was just something very off with this argument; it wasn’t like any of their other fights. The insults were intentionally cruel, the anger much more real than Jonghyun was willing to accept.

Jonghyun shook his head, willing his rage away, willing the weird off feeling to the very back of his mind. He didn’t want to be out on the streets, that he knew for sure. He’d figure out the odd feelings later.

“Ok, so maybe I was out of line. I’m sorry Kibum, I’ve just been so tired with work and--”

Kibum slapped his hand away, fight suddenly back in his eyes.

"Jonghyun, please. You work at a run-down record store that nobody frequents. That the store is doing so badly that it's going to go under without you ever getting your last two paychecks. Don't give me this ‘work was so hectic’ garbage. If it was half as hectic as you describe it, ever, you wouldn't be begging me to pay your bills every month, you swine."

Kibum had never looked as angry as he did then, twin dots of blush anger on his cheeks, his breaths coming in short haggard bursts.

"You are so ungrateful, and terrible to me,” continued Kibum. “I work so many late shifts at the hospital, trying to make enough money for us and you still treat me like dirt. I don't know why I deserve to put up with you--no, I deserve better. You don’t deserve me," Kibum put down his fork and began clearing the dishes with purpose.

"Kibum--"

"Get out."

"Let's talk about it. C'mon you're being irrational--"

Kibum made a strangled noise, a sob, as he turned and walked towards the kitchen with the large stack of dishes in his hands. As he turned, Jonghyun got a glimpse of his face. Tears had begun to trail down his cheeks and his nose was pink from holding himself back.

"Please leave--I don't want to deal with you when I'm like this, when we're like this," Kibum hissed. He was standing by the sink, barefoot. His small frame shook as he tried to not cry.

"But Kibum, please--"

"No, you need to leave," said Kibum. He turned to look at Jonghyun, gesturing wildly at him.

Jonghyun could see Kibum's arm move, could see him knock into a mug, knock it to the ground. It shattered at their feet and liquid splashed everywhere. The mug was from their first date, something cute and stupid that Jonghyun bought to give to Kibum. Kibum kept it out of sentimentality and had painstakingly kept it safe.

Again, Jonghyun felt sad, sad that he didn’t love Kibum. That he wanted to love Kibum, that he should love him, but that he just couldn’t bring himself to. It felt like he was living in someone else’s life, and he couldn’t accept it.

"Jonghyun!"

When Kibum returned, he found Jonghyun crying hysterically by the sink. The floor around his feet was a bloody mess; the small ceramic pieces had cut painfully into the bottom of his feet, tearing into flesh. Kibum stood in the kitchen doorway, confused and so worried as Jonghyun noticed Kibum and quickly ran towards him to grasp at his shoulders.

"I'm sorry Kibum, I'm so sorry," he sobbed, soapy hands smoothing the apples of Kibum's cheeks. "I'll be a better boyfriend--I'll pay my half of the rent--I'll listen to you. Just please don't leave me," he cried.

"Jonghyun what are you talking about?" said Kibum, his voice shrill. He was scared. "I would never leave you, baby. Please. You're hurt, we need to get you bandaged, maybe to a doctor."

Jonghyun noticed the silver chain around Kibum’s neck, glinting in the kitchen light. He pawed at it, stubby finger nails scratching the delicate skin around Kibum’s neck.

“I gave this to you, see?” he said, voice desperate. "Just don't leave me, don’t date Minho."

They stood in the kitchen for another few minutes, Jonghyun sobbing, clinging onto Kibum for dear life while Kibum confusedly soothed him. It took Kibum five attempts to before he was able to eventually coax Jonghyun to let go of him and bandage his feet. Luckily they were minor cuts.

Jonghyun fell asleep soon after, out of sheer exhaustion.

When Jonghyun woke up, he had memories of what had happened, but wasn't able to explain to Kibum why it happened.

Jonghyun decided to tell Kibum about his visions.

"So you've been seeing things? Are these dreams?"

"No, well. Yes, maybe? I don't know. They sure feel real, as if I was living another life. As if I was living as another Jonghyun."

"I don't understand."

"I don't either."

"Maybe you should see a doctor, Jonghyun."

"Maybe."

A few minutes passed in uncomfortable silence.

"Doesn't your work do free counseling? Maybe we should talk to them. I want to go with you."

"No, he's useless. I don't want to see him."

"Okay, let's find someone else then, please? I want to help you figure out what's happening, I want to be there with you."

"Are you sure? What if I go crazy again? What if I hurt you?"

"I don't care. I want to be there, if you let me."

"Okay."

“Thank you, doctor.”

"It really is no problem. And call me Jinki"

It was Saturday morning and they had an appointment to speak with a psychiatrist. They had only managed to seeing this specials appointment because Kibum’s assistant, Luhan, was a friend and had spoken highly of him.

"No, thank you Jinki," Kibum smiled charmingly and squinted at the diploma hanging from behind the young doctor. "-- Dr. Lee Jinki. Thank you for agreeing to see us at such short notice."

After his experience with Dr. Choi, Jonghyun didn’t want to be in another psychiatrist’s office, but he also really wanted to figure out what was happening. Jonghyun was at a loss of what he wanted more.

"It's what I do!" cheerfully said Jinki. "Now, Kibum-sshi, can you please step outside? I understand that you’re concerned for your friend--"

"--boyfriend," Kibum corrected.

"--your boyfriend. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You know, that confidentiality stuff," the doctor smiled at Kibum, equally as charming. At Kibum's worried expression, he explained, even more gently. "I really need to have Jonghyun-sshi's full trust before I can see what is troubling him. Please."

"All right then.” Kibum gave Jonghyun’s arm a squeeze before he stepped out to wait in the lobby.

"Jonghyun-sshi, can you please describe what you have been experiencing to me?"

"Is your name really Jinki?" Jonghyun couldn’t stop staring at the license. The doctor was so young, and seemed so familiar…

"Yes?" Jinki turned around and looked behind him, trying to see why Jonghyun was so interested in his name. "You can call me Jinki, if you like. And yes, I have been Jinki for as long as I can remember. "

"Interesting. Well, for as long as I can remember, I don't think you are, and I'm sorry for saying this but, I don't think you really are Jinki the psychiatrist."

"Oh really? How interesting! Tell me more. How do we know each other?"

Jonghyun wrung his hands, very much shocked at what he just said.

"Um, so the reason why I am here is that I've been experiencing some visions lately. I've always had a very strong imagination, and my mind tends to wander, sometimes in very strange areas, but this is the first time everything has ever felt this real." Jonghyun leaned forward to make direct eye contact to the startled Jinki.

"Doc--Jinki, have you ever had a dream, a dream that feels so real that you wake up and you are confused as to if it really happened or not?" Jinki nodded. "Well that has been my life for the last few weeks. I can be doing anything, eating, sleeping, working, and I find myself somewhere else, in some other Jonghyun's life. I'm starting to forget who I am. Look, I even have a bee sting to prove it."

Jonghyun bit his lip and peeked a glance at Jinki's face. He hoped that this doctor would at least be willing to hear him out.

“Can I see the bee sting? Also tell me about how you got this.”

Jonghyun smiled. He felt reassured.

"So how did the talk with Jinki go?"

"Well, we have another session in two days."

"Oh, good. Does he have an idea what is happening?"

"He wouldn't tell me, but maybe he doesn't know?"

"Ah."

It was late afternoon when Kibum received the call.

"Hello, this is Kibum. Oh, Hello! Heechul, how are you?"

Kibum's latest client--an eccentric millionaire--had commissioned Kibum for a series of statues of his beloved cats. Kibum had already complained to Jonghyun about how insanely demanding Heechul was as a client. It was driving Kibum up a wall.

"You want me to what? To come over to discuss your project? Tomorrow? We were scheduled to meet next week… I kind of have something going on right now..."

Jonghyun watched as Kibum paced back and forth, worrying the silver chain between his fingers.

"No, I understand. This is very important to you and I am aware of how much you love Heebum and how you want me to capture your vision accurately. Yes. I will meet you tomorrow. Thank you, see you then."

Jonghyun looked at Kibum eyebrows quirked.

"You’re already leaving for work?"

“Yeah. I need to pack tonight. Apparently Heechul was struck by inspiration and he absolutely needs to tell me in person."

"So," Jonghyun paused. He could tell that Kibum was stressed and wanted to choose his words carefully. "So you're gonna be back tomorrow, right? You're not gonna leave me here, right?"

Kibum looked conflicted. Jonghyun could tell by the way he was playing with his necklace. He kept plucking at it with his fingertips.

"I actually have to meet Heechul for two days. It’s going to be out of town.”

“So…?”

“I--I just really need to do this Jonghyun, you know how important this is to me. This could really jumpstart my career. Do you know how many rich crazy friends Heechul has?” said Kibum irately. He tousled his hair and walked towards the bedroom to pack. “I need more independence.”

Jonghyun bit his lip and watched Kibum haphazardly pack. He had thrown open the closet and was tossing things back and forth, muttering to himself about how he needed to do laundry.

Jonghyun hated feeling like a burden, especially to Kibum. After a few more minutes of staring, he quietly shuffled over to Kibum’s suitcase and started folding his clothes. Kibum hated wrinkles and thought they were unprofessional.

A pair of arms wrapped around him, Kibum rested his chin on Jonghyun’s shoulder and squeezed tightly.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be back in two days, okay? I love you.”

Jonghyun sighed. “I know, I just miss you already. Be sure to text me stories about Heechul’s crazy, okay?”

Kibum smiled and tightened his grip. “You know I will.”

“Goodbye Jjong,” called Kibum. “See you soon.”

“Goodbye babe, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” called Jonghyun as he heard the click of the door. He sighed. Jonghyun suddenly felt very alone.

On the train, Kibum had an idea. He searched around his coat for his phone.

“Hi Taemin. This is Kibum, Jonghyun’s friend. Can you check up on Jonghyun tomorrow? I’m worried he would be lonely. I have something for work and I don’t want him to be left alone by himself too long.” He sent the text with bated breath.

“Sure! I’ll stop by after work :)) I have a card for him too. I hope he’s resting well! responded Taemin.

Kibum breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thanks Taemin.” he sent.

Jonghyun groaned as he repeatedly knocked his head against the table in frustration. Four days and still no job leads.

Jonghyun was currently between jobs. He had a previous office job as an administrative assistant, but had to quit recently. Taemin, his boyfriend, thought that his admin job was “lame” and had urged Jonghyun to quit.

“It’s embarrassing to say that I’m like, dating an admin, you know,” he would say with wide eyes. “I want you to have like, a cool job. Like, a folk poetry writer or like, a professional whistleblower or something, you know?”

“You mean a poet. A poetry writer is a poet.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Taemin was his boyfriend. He was cute, but terribly naive. He was also, to say the least, set for life. As the only son of a very well-to-do, supportive family, Taemin had more time and money than he knew what to do with.

Jonghyun didn’t know how he put up with Taemin.

“This reality sucks, I wish this wasn’t---”

“Jonghyun-hyung,” called Taemin. He knocked on the door a few times and stamped his feet. “I need to pee, can you let me in? I forgot my keys again!”

Jonghyun sighed and got up from his sofa and his nest of job applications. His previous gripe was forgotten.

“I’m coming, Taemin. I’m coming.”

An annoying buzzing sound rang through the apartment. Taemin hated waiting.

“Jonghyun-hyung!” called Taemin through the door. He knocked loudly and cursed under his breath. “Where is he? I knew I shouldn’t volunteered to check up on him, Yunho-hyung is too fatherly.”

Taemin switched his briefcase to his left hand and dug in his pocket for his phone.

“Maybe hyung is asleep...he has been looking tired lately,” Taemin mumbled to himself.

Finally the door opened. Jonghyun stood in the doorway. He shook his head a few times and rubbed at his eyes, as he just woke up from a nap.

“Hyung!” said Taemin. He stopped put away the phone to give Jonghyun a get-well-soon card. “How are you? I came by to check up on you.”

“Hi Taetae,” said Jonghyun. He smiled lopsidedly. “Come in, come in. Sorry it took so long, I know you hate waiting.”

“Taetae?” Taemin yelped as Jonghyun ushered him in and towards the bedroom, where their bathroom was located. “Hyung, what are you doing?”

“I’m job searching, haven’t found a cool job yet. Don’t you need to pee?”

“You quit?!” protested Taemin. He turned around in Jonghyun’s arms and backed away from the other man. There was something off about Jonghyun. “Hyung, are you okay? You’re not acting like yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” said Jonghyun. He shuffled some papers around, newspapers that were at least a day old. “I am myself, you know, the boyfriend who quit his lame office job because some kid decided that it wasn’t cool enough. Myself. Me. Taetae’s deadbeat boyfriend.”

Taemin laughed, a high pitched giggle that sounded strange to his own ears.

“I think you’re great the way you were...are...um,….so,” he rambled, trying to find something to talk about. “What did you do today? Are you resting well? Kibum-hyung said that you might want some company and so here I am!”

“I don’t know a Kibum,” said Jonghyun. He was still folding and refolding old newspapers. “Is he one of your friends?”

“Jonghyun-hyung, are you sure you are okay?” Taemin, at this point was scared. Taemin wasn’t normally scared, but Jonghyun was acting different. This Jonghyun looked and sounded like the Jonghyun that he saw every week at work. But this Jonghyun acted like a complete stranger. He spoke snidely and in circles. It was like Taemin had stepped into a whole other world, into someone else’s life. It was unsettling.

Taemin eyed the door, studying it, trying to figure out if the locks were difficult to use.

“Hey Taemin,” said Jonghyun. He had finished folding the newspapers and set them into a small pile on the ground. He nervously fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure,” said Taemin, still staring at the door.

“Let me come closer.”

Taemin felt the hairs on his neck stiffen, a sign that there was something wrong. A sign that he should get out.

“Actually, I need to go,” he babbled, quickly grabbing his coat and his briefcase. “It’s just that I have a lot of work to do and I should let you sleep more and--”

He was stopped at the sight of Jonghyun crying.

“Hyung?” he said, jacket half-on. “Are you okay?”

“You’re leaving me?” said Jonghyun in a small voice. A fat tear rolled down his cheek. “Taetae, after all I did for you? You’re thinking of leaving me?” Each subsequent word grew in volume.

“I won’t let you.”

Taemin yelped and quickly made his way towards the foyer. He scrambled with the lock, hands trembling as he heard Jonghyun crying in the living room.

“Taetae!”

Taemin finally managed to unlock the door and ran out. He sprinted down the hallway like a scared cat, turning every so often to look behind him.

Jonghyun stood in the doorway, forlorn expression on his face.

“I won’t accept this reality!” yelled Jonghyun.

Taemin stood outside of Jonghyun’s apartment complex, scared and worried. He contemplated on going back in, but quickly decided not to. He called Kibum instead; his fingers trembled as he dialed and misdialed the other boy’s number. “Come on, pick up,” he muttered. He sighed as he reached voicemail.

“Kibum, this is Taemin. You need to come back right now,” he said. His fingers were still trembling. “Jonghyun is not well, he is acting weird, like he’s someone else. I’m scared.”

“This isn’t my apartment, this is not my apartment,” muttered Jonghyun, eyes now red-rimmed but blank. “I should not be here, at all.”

“So you want Bangsin to be--I’m sorry, let me silence my phone,” said Kibum, hastily as he went to turn off his phone. Heechul grinned and resumed stroking his prized companion.

Taemin’s voicemail went unheard and forgotten.

“Here you go, Jonghyun-sshi. I hope you have a good stay here,” said the hotel receptionist. She waited until Jonghyun left before she turned to her co-worker. “Miyoung, did you see that man that I just checked into 623? His eyes were so dead, how scary.”

"Jonghyun," called Kibum. "I'm home. I got groceries! Can you come help me put these away?" he asked.

The quietness of the apartment was unnerving.

“This is not the reality that I want. I reject.”

It was a Friday afternoon and Jonghyun was in bed, staring at nothing yet at everything. His eyes were dry and cheeks gaunt as he watched the lives of different Jonghyuns go by.

“No, this isn’t the reality that I want either, too sad.” he murmured. He blinked and he was lost in another world, the previous world forgotten.

It had been days since he had eaten, had slept. His phone next to him, battery long dead, voicemail full. The Do Not Disturb sign hung on the hotel door, untouched since Jonghyun had checked in.

It's been days since Kibum had left for his trip. In the back of his mind, Jonghyun knew that Kibum was probably worried and wondering why Jonghyun wasn’t at home. He was probably organizing a search party and running them ragged across town.

In the very back of his mind, Jonghyun knew that he should at least call Kibum, sit up from the bed and go downstairs, to at least let Kibum know that he was alive, that he still existed. But Jonghyun couldn't bring himself to, his mind couldn't bring his body to, not when there was so much happening beyond normal understanding.

Someone was knocking on the door, an incessant frantic and desperate sound. Beyond the door, someone could be heard demanding that it be broken down.

The door opened to an irritated man and Kibum. Kibum’s face was pinched, cheeks pale. His necklace glinted brightly in the hotel light.

And so there Jonghyun was clothes stale, and bed sheets crumpled. His eyes both seeing and unseeing was in front of him. He could see other Jonghyuns beyond the hotel room, beyond the Kibum standing in the doorway. Other Jonghyuns living, loving, existing in their own respective realities.

What struck him was how happy the other Jonghyuns looked.