SHINee Shorts 2013: nutstage
Title: Through The Rat Hole
Author: nutstage
Pairing: Jonghyun/Onew
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Implied violence
Word Count: 3950
The lock turns, the clunking of the guards' boots gradually become fainter, and then there is silence. Loud, oppressive, suffocating silence.
Jonghyun curls up into a ball and cries himself to sleep.
When he wakes, the moon is streaming in through the bars of a tiny cell window. The light is cold, but it's a welcome sight. At least it is familiar.
He looks around the cell. There isn't much, just a stinking bucket in the corner. Nothing else. He blinks, the tears are coming again.
In an effort to distract himself, he stands up, goes over to the window and tries to look out of it. He has to jump, grab on to the bars and pull himself up a bit because it's too high up. He strains his muscles, desperation giving him strength.
Finally he sees it. The town. His town. The lights sparkle prettily. Then his arms give out on him. He crumples to the floor.
He can't help it. The sobs come, wracking his body and scratching his throat raw. His head hurts, his heart hurts, everything hurts so badly. The longing, especially. He misses his sister so much, his parents, and his dog, that silly mutt.
He may never see them again.
He folds into himself, letting the pain consume him. He can't fight it. Or maybe he doesn't want to. If he could just die now...
Then he hears it. It starts out barely audible, then gets a bit louder. Someone is singing.
When you’re tired and having a hard time
He hasn't heard singing for a whole year now. When life was taken over by the noise of guns and cannons and screams, there was no place left for singing anymore. Hell, there wasn't even any left for talking. People went around in silence, whether from grief or fear or just lack of desire.
And now someone was singing.
Please let me stay by your side
So I can give back to you the love I had only received
Before this life ends
He closes his eyes. The voice is soft and gentle, with a hint at the steady strength lying beneath. It reminds him of the time he turned thirteen and his dad took him out on a fishing trip to mark the start of his teenage years. He had sat up on the boat's deck at night, listening to the ocean.
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
He starts tearing again. But this time, the corners of his mouth are lifted. He sniffs and rubs his nose determinedly. Then he takes in a deep breath to calm his nerves, then another, and opens his mouth to sing.
"If you alone are standing, I can handle this much pain and suffering."
The voice is delighted; he can hear it in how it suddenly lifts in volume. Jonghyun joins in; voice matching the other in mood. There is no more hesitance. Their voices intertwine, forming a bridge of companionship between two souls starved for warmth.
"If only you are with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonghyun tries to talk to the voice the next day.
"Hey," he says.
There is no reply.
"Hey!" he daringly rises to almost a shout.
Again, there is no reply.
Jonghyun's heart drops. Did it... could he... was yesterday all a figment of his imagination? It couldn't be... it couldn't... it would be too cruel...
"Hey! Hey! Talk to me! I know you're real! You have to be real!"
So caught up is he in his desperation that he doesn't hear the click.
A sharp pain shoots through his scalp as someone yanks him up by the hair. A guard.
"Who were you talking to!" he thunders.
"N-nobody! Please let g-go!"
"If I hear you talking again, I'm going to yank out those teeth of yours one.. by.. one. Got that?"
Jonghyun whimpers as the guard drops him on the floor. "Now get your ass out!"
When he's finally marched back to his cell, the sky has darkened for quite a bit already. He pokes about the cell for a loose stone. Finding one, he quickly makes a mark on the wall. One day gone.
He sinks to the ground, arms nearly numb from a day of toiling. It's a good thing he's used to hunger. But that's not what he wants to think about right now.
He scrambles into praying position again. He doesn't dare to sing, lest the guard comes in again. But he prays for some sign, any sign, that the voice last night was real.
God, please don't take even this away from me, he pleads. Please.
It's silent. Then, just as Jonghyun begins to slip into despair, he hears it.
It's a different song tonight. Tonight it's a song asking for forgiveness.
Jonghyun laughs. He knows what the voice is apologizing for. He doesn't mind. He doesn't mind anything, as long as the voice is there.
Rubbing away his tears and sniffles, Jonghyun joins in. Together, they finish the song, its soulful tune tapering into silence at the end.
"I'm sorry," the voice says, after a while.
"I understand. I'm sorry too."
"They won't come around at night, so it's safe."
There's a million and one questions that Jonghyun wants to ask the voice. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, however, is a song.
"I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now."
The voice flows in at the next verse.
"Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
"I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
"In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
"And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
"I've never been more homesick than now."
Silence hangs in the air again. Then the voice speaks.
"I miss them too," it says.
"Th-thank you," Jonghyun replies, struggling to keep his voice steady.
"Goodnight. It'll be a long day tomorrow."
-----------------------------------------
It's a long day every day, to be honest. They are building an extension to the prison. Too many prisoners, and not enough space to hold them. That's what Jonghyun overheard from some of the guards.
It's brutal work, for many reasons. The only meal they have throughout the day is a single bowl of dry grainy rice. The prisoners eat every single bug they can find for protein. Someone dies from eating a poisonous spider.
It's a good thing the tools they're given are quite decent. Apparently this extension is to be built to last. Jonghyun tries not to think about how many more innocents will have to suffer the same fate as him.
There's a crash, then someone screams. Jonghyun tries to shut it out. The sound of steel on flesh and a loud splintering crack as something breaks still filter past his resolve. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. There's silence. The next time he looks up, there's a trail of blood on the ground. The guards are merciless. No mistake goes unpunished.
They aren't allowed to talk to each other. Jonghyun works steadily and quickly enough to escape the wrath of the guards. He keeps his mind as blank as possible, save for one line of thought. It's a prayer. A constant prayer that when he gets back to his cell, the voice will still be there.
It's the only thing he looks forward to now. The one thing left in his life that he still dares to hope for. Every day, the moment he's thrown back into his cell, he scrambles to the wall to mark the passing of another day, then he sits and waits in anticipation.
He still doesn't know the voice's name. He doesn't think he'll ever. It's not for want of trying, though.
"My name is-" he had started.
The voice had cut in smoothly. "Please don't tell me your name. It... it makes things easier if any-anything happens."
That's right. They were two prisoners, caught under a dictatorship that didn't seem to be ending anytime soon. Life was a flame in the wind.
So they sing more than they talk. In fact, their verbal exchange hardly ever surpasses a "goodnight". It's not a problem though. Jonghyun knows how the voice is feeling from his choice of song every night. Likewise, he's sure the voice knows when he's upset, or when he's tired, or when he's just missing his family back home from the songs he sings. Each song between them is a message, to commiserate, comfort, and to cheer.
-----------------------------------------
It only occurs to Jonghyun one night that it's strange no other prisoner has joined in their nightly exchanges.
"Does no one else hear us?" he asks.
"No, the walls are soundproof."
"Then how come I can hear you?" he demands.
"Because of the rat hole between our walls?" The voice is laughing, he can hear it.
Jonghyun huffs, then gets on his hands and knees and starts looking for it. It's a few inches wide, but only a couple of inches high.
"Hey I think I can see you through this! But it's a bit too dark though... But I think we can touch! Hey try it!"
"I'd rather not."
The frigid tone should have been a sufficient warning, but a sudden thought hits Jonghyun and he blurts it out before he can stop himself.
"Hey, who was in my cell before?"
"A person whom I knew through that hole."
The voice refuses to say more. There is no singing that night.
----------------------------------------------------------
One day, the guards are in an especially foul mood. Jonghyun guesses it's because there's a problem on the frontlines. Good for them. But not good for him, at the moment.
As he walks past the guards, head lowered as usual, he trips for the first time since he's been here. The tools he's carrying crash onto the floor, along with his heart. As he hastily picks himself up and scrambles to retrieve the tools, there is a seize in the atmosphere. Then, a sharp pain shoots through his back, and he falls to the ground. Suddenly the guards are on him, kicking and beating and yelling at him.
They had to drag him back to the cell.
When he wakes, the sun has set. He curls into himself and cries.
"Hey," the voice calls out. He doesn't register it.
"Hey. Put your hand through the rat hole."
This is so out of the blue that Jonghyun sniffs and quickly does as the voice said. His fingers brush against something warm. It's the voice's fingers. That's as much as they're allowed by the size of the hole, but it's enough. After all, it's the first human touch he's had in a long time.
"Th-thank you."
The voice replies by starting up a song. It's Forever More, by James Ingram.
He chokes through his tears as a laugh bubbles up.
"Really?"
"Just shut up and listen. Or I'm going to sleep right now."
Jonghyun sniffs, and lies down on the ground. He keeps his fingers where they are, pressed against that beautiful warmth in that grimy rat hole. Pretty soon, he falls asleep. There's a smile on his lips.
----------------------------------------------------
This incident makes him want to know the voice more, to tear down those walls that he has respected all this time.
The next night, he tries it.
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"I know you don't want to know my name. But I want to know yours. I want to be able to remember you if something happens. I want to know you not just as 'the voice', but as a person whom-"
"What do you want to remember me for?" the voice snaps. "Remembering me won't bring me back if I die. Remembering doesn't do anything except rip apart the person left behind!"
Jonghyun is first stunned. Then it starts to make sense. "You loved that person, didn't you? The one who was in my cell."
The voice doesn't answer. Jonghyun sighs. Looks like it's going to be another night of silence.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The voice doesn't say anything to him the next night. Jonghyun thinks it's ridiculous. He knows the voice is still there; he had stuck his ear to the rat hole and heard him breathing.
"So you intend to have this cold war with me despite there being a war going on outside? Are you going to have a war within a war kind of thing now? War-ception?"
No answer.
Jonghyun narrows his eyes.
"Okay I won't ask you about anything anymore. Let's just sing okay? I promise. Pinky swear. Imaginary pinky swear, since we can't do it in person. Let's sing More Than Words tonight, okay?"
He starts on the first line. The voice still doesn't join him even after the second verse. He trails off into silence, tears pricking his eyes.
He wills himself not to cry. It's his fault after all. He knew it was a sensitive topic, yet he still chose to bring it up. But for some reason, it just hurt so bad to be pushed away. To be rejected.
"If you don't want to sing, it's fine. Just put your hand through the rat hole and let me know you're still there, okay?"
Jonghyun jams his hand into the rat hole, trying to reach in as far as possible. His scrabbling fingers find nothing.
He sits back on his heels, staring at the rat hole in deep concentration. Then his face lights up, and he lowers his head to the rathole. Using a low and as sultry voice as he can manage, he croons:
"I'm only human
Sometimes I make mistakes
If you forgive me
I'm gonna do what it takes
But now I know better
To hurt you was wrong
Boy it's with you I belong
"Somebody needs you like never before
Somebody wants your voice
Baby sing through this wall
Don't you leave me alone
Don't you tune out my voice
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you TONIGHT!"
He quickly puts his ear to the rat hole. There's still silence.
Then, out of the darkness comes a "Are you fucking serious".
Jonghyun grins. A laugh bubbles up his chest past his lips and then he's rolling on the floor chortling, exhilaration and relief giddying him.
Chuckles echo through the rat hole and has Jonghyun grinning even wider than before.
"God, you're mental," the voice wheezes after they calm down a bit.
Jonghyun laughs again, then shouts back a "Girl it's with you I belong! OH!"
The voice laughs again, then enters the chorus.
"Somebody needs you like never before
Somebody wants your love
Baby open the door
Don't you leave me alone
Don't you turn out the light
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you-"
And they finish together: "-tonight."
The air hums with happiness. Then the voice speaks.
"Did you use that to woo girls? You must have failed so terribly."
"Hey, it made you laugh!"
"Because you sounded ridiculous."
"Don't say things you don't mean."
The voice laughs. "Brat." Then, in a more sober tone, it says "Give me a bit more time. Then I'll tell you everything."
"Well," says Jonghyun, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, "the one thing we have the most of is time."
The voice laughs again, and this time, Jonghyun does too.
------------------------------------------------------------------
It's unbelievable, how his life swings from hell to heaven and back again with each sunrise and sunset. In the day he suffers the abuse of the prison guards-- he's been walking with a limp since the day the guards set upon him-- but in the night, if he closes his eyes and thinks hard enough, it's like he's lying on a hillside with a friend next to him, singing cheesy love songs and doing adlibs like they haven't a care in the world.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Their flame in the wind is flickering.
It seems the regime is losing the war. The guards are decreasing in number too, probably called to beef up numbers at the frontlines. This would have been a reason for celebration to the prisoners, if not for the fact that the food supplies are running out too. Rice becomes gruel, which gets thinner and thinner till there's hardly any rice grains left in the tasteless white soup.
There's no need to work anymore. The guards left behind, having no idea what to do with the prisoners, and fearing a mutiny by the prisoners who now outnumber them vastly, keep them under lock and key the entire day. Some days they even forget about the food, too worried about their own future.
They have become too weak to sing. Nowadays, they just touch their fingers through the rat hole and pray for help to come before they waste away. They've gotten so thin they are actually able to hold hands now.
The seventy-seventh night.
Once again, they're lying side by side. They hardly move from this position anymore.
"H.. hey."
"Yeah?"
"M... my name is Jinki. Lee Jinki."
Jonghyun smiles.
"My name's Kim Jonghyun."
A tear forms at the corner of his eye. It rolls down when he closes his eyes.
He ought to be yelling at how cruel it is, or laughing at how ironic it is. But he just lies there quietly, feeling as much of Jinki as he can. His voice, his hand, his thoughts. He fills in Jinki's name in all his memories of him. Jinki, Jinki, Jinki.
"The boy... the boy before you. His na.. name was Taemin. Lee Tae...min. You would... you would have liked him."
"I would."
"He would have... liked... liked you too."
"That's great."
He tightens his hold on Jinki's fingers, just as Jinki's hold slackens.
"I... I wish I had-"
There's an explosion, then blinding light, and then blackness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When Jonghyun opens his eyes, a small face with big eyes and raised brows is just mere centimeters from his nose.
He finds it perfectly reasonable that his first reaction is to scream.
The face turns out to be his doctor, a tall man who looks almost his age. He presses a pair of cool hands onto Jonghyun's shoulders, soothing him.
"You're not dead, if that's what you want to ask. You're just very weak now, so just stay still for a bit more."
"Jinki," he croaks, voice rusty from days of disuse.
"I beg your pardon?"
He clears his throat. "Where's Jinki?" It comes out better, so he smiles up at the doctor eagerly. His face hurts though, so it twists into a grimace.
The doctor is nice enough not to flinch. "I'm sorry, I don't know anyone's names here. You're the first to wake up, everyone else is still unconscious."
He tries to sit up, but his head spins and he falls back onto his bed.
"That's right," says the doctor. "Rest a bit more, then when you're much better, you can go look for your friend."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Jonghyun eagerly limps to every single bed the minute its occupant awakes, demanding their name. It's a cause of much consternation in the staff, but Jonghyun couldn't care less.
Within the week, most of the patients have regained consciousness. None of them are Jinki. Jonghyun hovers over the few remaining ones that are still in a deep sleep. There's three left. He stands by each in turn, studying their faces intently. It's hard, because their faces are bandaged to various degrees. He also touches their hands very studiously, earning him a sharp "Don't molest the patients!" from one of the nurses.
It's worth it. He's quite sure the one with sharp cheekbones and cupid's bow lips is Jinki. Every day when the nurses aren't feeding him stuff or hooking him up to tubes or changing his bandages, he hobbles to Jinki's bedside.
"Jinki."
It sounds nice on his tongue.
"Hey Jinki, wake up quick, okay? There's so many things I want to tell you and so many things I want to ask you. I also want to see the colour of your eyes, if that's not too creepy."
He pauses, taking in Jinki's sleeping form. He looks peaceful in his sleep, which makes Jonghyun happy.
"We've got our new life now, you know. So wake up quickly, and we can get to know each other properly, yeah?"
"Or maybe," says a merry voice behind him, "we could get to know each other properly if you start talking to the right person first."
Startled, Jonghyun drops the person's hand and whips around. Behind him, a very thin boy stands, supported by the doctor. The radiance of his smile outshines the deathly pallor on his sunken cheeks.
The doctor clears his throat, determinedly pulling down the corner of his mouth that is threatening to curve upwards.
"Well he just woke up, and I asked him what his name was since... well, since the whole hospital knows you're looking for Jinki."
Jinki's smile increases in brilliance. "Hello, Kim Jonghyun."
Jonghyun beams back. Mortification be damned. Embarrassment be damned. He steps forward and wraps his arms around Jinki, subtly elbowing the doctor away.
"You never told me everything," he says reproachfully as they move to Jinki's bed, the doctor a little glum at Jonghyun's lack of gratitude.
"I know. I'm sorry. Where do you want to start?"
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"Oh. I'm twenty-five," says Jonghyun, tone a tad dismal.
"You can just call me Jinki," says Jinki, switching on Jonghyun's smile again.
"Jinki." Jonghyun beams at him happily. Then his expression turns serious. "You know, before the explosion... you were saying something?"
Jinki frowns. "I was?"
"You were! You said 'I wish I had' but before you could finish, the explosion happened! Remember?"
"I wish I had..." Jinki scrunches his brow in concentration as Jonghyun and the doctor help him into the bed.
"You don't remember?"
"Wait, give me a moment..."
Jonghyun drops into the chair beside the bed, an expression of desolation clear on his face. He doesn't notice Jinki pressing his lips together, eyes shining with mirth. He also doesn't notice the doctor removing himself from the scene quietly.
"You don't remember..." Jonghyun says sadly.
"What makes you think I was saying something important?"
"It felt important to me," comes the glum reply.
Jinki reaches out his hand, curling his fingers around Jonghyun's. Jonghyun looks up, and is greeted by Jinki's soft smile.
"I wanted to say 'I wish I'd spent every single day I had learning about you and committing every part of you to memory.'"
"Well," says Jonghyun, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, "no time better than the present to start."
The doctor approaches, sees their linked hands resting on the bed, and leaves again with a long-suffering sigh.
THE END.
Author: nutstage
Pairing: Jonghyun/Onew
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Implied violence
Word Count: 3950
The lock turns, the clunking of the guards' boots gradually become fainter, and then there is silence. Loud, oppressive, suffocating silence.
Jonghyun curls up into a ball and cries himself to sleep.
When he wakes, the moon is streaming in through the bars of a tiny cell window. The light is cold, but it's a welcome sight. At least it is familiar.
He looks around the cell. There isn't much, just a stinking bucket in the corner. Nothing else. He blinks, the tears are coming again.
In an effort to distract himself, he stands up, goes over to the window and tries to look out of it. He has to jump, grab on to the bars and pull himself up a bit because it's too high up. He strains his muscles, desperation giving him strength.
Finally he sees it. The town. His town. The lights sparkle prettily. Then his arms give out on him. He crumples to the floor.
He can't help it. The sobs come, wracking his body and scratching his throat raw. His head hurts, his heart hurts, everything hurts so badly. The longing, especially. He misses his sister so much, his parents, and his dog, that silly mutt.
He may never see them again.
He folds into himself, letting the pain consume him. He can't fight it. Or maybe he doesn't want to. If he could just die now...
Then he hears it. It starts out barely audible, then gets a bit louder. Someone is singing.
When you’re tired and having a hard time
He hasn't heard singing for a whole year now. When life was taken over by the noise of guns and cannons and screams, there was no place left for singing anymore. Hell, there wasn't even any left for talking. People went around in silence, whether from grief or fear or just lack of desire.
And now someone was singing.
Please let me stay by your side
So I can give back to you the love I had only received
Before this life ends
He closes his eyes. The voice is soft and gentle, with a hint at the steady strength lying beneath. It reminds him of the time he turned thirteen and his dad took him out on a fishing trip to mark the start of his teenage years. He had sat up on the boat's deck at night, listening to the ocean.
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
He starts tearing again. But this time, the corners of his mouth are lifted. He sniffs and rubs his nose determinedly. Then he takes in a deep breath to calm his nerves, then another, and opens his mouth to sing.
"If you alone are standing, I can handle this much pain and suffering."
The voice is delighted; he can hear it in how it suddenly lifts in volume. Jonghyun joins in; voice matching the other in mood. There is no more hesitance. Their voices intertwine, forming a bridge of companionship between two souls starved for warmth.
"If only you are with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonghyun tries to talk to the voice the next day.
"Hey," he says.
There is no reply.
"Hey!" he daringly rises to almost a shout.
Again, there is no reply.
Jonghyun's heart drops. Did it... could he... was yesterday all a figment of his imagination? It couldn't be... it couldn't... it would be too cruel...
"Hey! Hey! Talk to me! I know you're real! You have to be real!"
So caught up is he in his desperation that he doesn't hear the click.
A sharp pain shoots through his scalp as someone yanks him up by the hair. A guard.
"Who were you talking to!" he thunders.
"N-nobody! Please let g-go!"
"If I hear you talking again, I'm going to yank out those teeth of yours one.. by.. one. Got that?"
Jonghyun whimpers as the guard drops him on the floor. "Now get your ass out!"
When he's finally marched back to his cell, the sky has darkened for quite a bit already. He pokes about the cell for a loose stone. Finding one, he quickly makes a mark on the wall. One day gone.
He sinks to the ground, arms nearly numb from a day of toiling. It's a good thing he's used to hunger. But that's not what he wants to think about right now.
He scrambles into praying position again. He doesn't dare to sing, lest the guard comes in again. But he prays for some sign, any sign, that the voice last night was real.
God, please don't take even this away from me, he pleads. Please.
It's silent. Then, just as Jonghyun begins to slip into despair, he hears it.
It's a different song tonight. Tonight it's a song asking for forgiveness.
Jonghyun laughs. He knows what the voice is apologizing for. He doesn't mind. He doesn't mind anything, as long as the voice is there.
Rubbing away his tears and sniffles, Jonghyun joins in. Together, they finish the song, its soulful tune tapering into silence at the end.
"I'm sorry," the voice says, after a while.
"I understand. I'm sorry too."
"They won't come around at night, so it's safe."
There's a million and one questions that Jonghyun wants to ask the voice. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, however, is a song.
"I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now."
The voice flows in at the next verse.
"Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
"I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
"In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
"And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
"I've never been more homesick than now."
Silence hangs in the air again. Then the voice speaks.
"I miss them too," it says.
"Th-thank you," Jonghyun replies, struggling to keep his voice steady.
"Goodnight. It'll be a long day tomorrow."
-----------------------------------------
It's a long day every day, to be honest. They are building an extension to the prison. Too many prisoners, and not enough space to hold them. That's what Jonghyun overheard from some of the guards.
It's brutal work, for many reasons. The only meal they have throughout the day is a single bowl of dry grainy rice. The prisoners eat every single bug they can find for protein. Someone dies from eating a poisonous spider.
It's a good thing the tools they're given are quite decent. Apparently this extension is to be built to last. Jonghyun tries not to think about how many more innocents will have to suffer the same fate as him.
There's a crash, then someone screams. Jonghyun tries to shut it out. The sound of steel on flesh and a loud splintering crack as something breaks still filter past his resolve. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. There's silence. The next time he looks up, there's a trail of blood on the ground. The guards are merciless. No mistake goes unpunished.
They aren't allowed to talk to each other. Jonghyun works steadily and quickly enough to escape the wrath of the guards. He keeps his mind as blank as possible, save for one line of thought. It's a prayer. A constant prayer that when he gets back to his cell, the voice will still be there.
It's the only thing he looks forward to now. The one thing left in his life that he still dares to hope for. Every day, the moment he's thrown back into his cell, he scrambles to the wall to mark the passing of another day, then he sits and waits in anticipation.
He still doesn't know the voice's name. He doesn't think he'll ever. It's not for want of trying, though.
"My name is-" he had started.
The voice had cut in smoothly. "Please don't tell me your name. It... it makes things easier if any-anything happens."
That's right. They were two prisoners, caught under a dictatorship that didn't seem to be ending anytime soon. Life was a flame in the wind.
So they sing more than they talk. In fact, their verbal exchange hardly ever surpasses a "goodnight". It's not a problem though. Jonghyun knows how the voice is feeling from his choice of song every night. Likewise, he's sure the voice knows when he's upset, or when he's tired, or when he's just missing his family back home from the songs he sings. Each song between them is a message, to commiserate, comfort, and to cheer.
-----------------------------------------
It only occurs to Jonghyun one night that it's strange no other prisoner has joined in their nightly exchanges.
"Does no one else hear us?" he asks.
"No, the walls are soundproof."
"Then how come I can hear you?" he demands.
"Because of the rat hole between our walls?" The voice is laughing, he can hear it.
Jonghyun huffs, then gets on his hands and knees and starts looking for it. It's a few inches wide, but only a couple of inches high.
"Hey I think I can see you through this! But it's a bit too dark though... But I think we can touch! Hey try it!"
"I'd rather not."
The frigid tone should have been a sufficient warning, but a sudden thought hits Jonghyun and he blurts it out before he can stop himself.
"Hey, who was in my cell before?"
"A person whom I knew through that hole."
The voice refuses to say more. There is no singing that night.
----------------------------------------------------------
One day, the guards are in an especially foul mood. Jonghyun guesses it's because there's a problem on the frontlines. Good for them. But not good for him, at the moment.
As he walks past the guards, head lowered as usual, he trips for the first time since he's been here. The tools he's carrying crash onto the floor, along with his heart. As he hastily picks himself up and scrambles to retrieve the tools, there is a seize in the atmosphere. Then, a sharp pain shoots through his back, and he falls to the ground. Suddenly the guards are on him, kicking and beating and yelling at him.
They had to drag him back to the cell.
When he wakes, the sun has set. He curls into himself and cries.
"Hey," the voice calls out. He doesn't register it.
"Hey. Put your hand through the rat hole."
This is so out of the blue that Jonghyun sniffs and quickly does as the voice said. His fingers brush against something warm. It's the voice's fingers. That's as much as they're allowed by the size of the hole, but it's enough. After all, it's the first human touch he's had in a long time.
"Th-thank you."
The voice replies by starting up a song. It's Forever More, by James Ingram.
He chokes through his tears as a laugh bubbles up.
"Really?"
"Just shut up and listen. Or I'm going to sleep right now."
Jonghyun sniffs, and lies down on the ground. He keeps his fingers where they are, pressed against that beautiful warmth in that grimy rat hole. Pretty soon, he falls asleep. There's a smile on his lips.
----------------------------------------------------
This incident makes him want to know the voice more, to tear down those walls that he has respected all this time.
The next night, he tries it.
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"I know you don't want to know my name. But I want to know yours. I want to be able to remember you if something happens. I want to know you not just as 'the voice', but as a person whom-"
"What do you want to remember me for?" the voice snaps. "Remembering me won't bring me back if I die. Remembering doesn't do anything except rip apart the person left behind!"
Jonghyun is first stunned. Then it starts to make sense. "You loved that person, didn't you? The one who was in my cell."
The voice doesn't answer. Jonghyun sighs. Looks like it's going to be another night of silence.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The voice doesn't say anything to him the next night. Jonghyun thinks it's ridiculous. He knows the voice is still there; he had stuck his ear to the rat hole and heard him breathing.
"So you intend to have this cold war with me despite there being a war going on outside? Are you going to have a war within a war kind of thing now? War-ception?"
No answer.
Jonghyun narrows his eyes.
"Okay I won't ask you about anything anymore. Let's just sing okay? I promise. Pinky swear. Imaginary pinky swear, since we can't do it in person. Let's sing More Than Words tonight, okay?"
He starts on the first line. The voice still doesn't join him even after the second verse. He trails off into silence, tears pricking his eyes.
He wills himself not to cry. It's his fault after all. He knew it was a sensitive topic, yet he still chose to bring it up. But for some reason, it just hurt so bad to be pushed away. To be rejected.
"If you don't want to sing, it's fine. Just put your hand through the rat hole and let me know you're still there, okay?"
Jonghyun jams his hand into the rat hole, trying to reach in as far as possible. His scrabbling fingers find nothing.
He sits back on his heels, staring at the rat hole in deep concentration. Then his face lights up, and he lowers his head to the rathole. Using a low and as sultry voice as he can manage, he croons:
"I'm only human
Sometimes I make mistakes
If you forgive me
I'm gonna do what it takes
But now I know better
To hurt you was wrong
Boy it's with you I belong
"Somebody needs you like never before
Somebody wants your voice
Baby sing through this wall
Don't you leave me alone
Don't you tune out my voice
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you TONIGHT!"
He quickly puts his ear to the rat hole. There's still silence.
Then, out of the darkness comes a "Are you fucking serious".
Jonghyun grins. A laugh bubbles up his chest past his lips and then he's rolling on the floor chortling, exhilaration and relief giddying him.
Chuckles echo through the rat hole and has Jonghyun grinning even wider than before.
"God, you're mental," the voice wheezes after they calm down a bit.
Jonghyun laughs again, then shouts back a "Girl it's with you I belong! OH!"
The voice laughs again, then enters the chorus.
"Somebody needs you like never before
Somebody wants your love
Baby open the door
Don't you leave me alone
Don't you turn out the light
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you-"
And they finish together: "-tonight."
The air hums with happiness. Then the voice speaks.
"Did you use that to woo girls? You must have failed so terribly."
"Hey, it made you laugh!"
"Because you sounded ridiculous."
"Don't say things you don't mean."
The voice laughs. "Brat." Then, in a more sober tone, it says "Give me a bit more time. Then I'll tell you everything."
"Well," says Jonghyun, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, "the one thing we have the most of is time."
The voice laughs again, and this time, Jonghyun does too.
------------------------------------------------------------------
It's unbelievable, how his life swings from hell to heaven and back again with each sunrise and sunset. In the day he suffers the abuse of the prison guards-- he's been walking with a limp since the day the guards set upon him-- but in the night, if he closes his eyes and thinks hard enough, it's like he's lying on a hillside with a friend next to him, singing cheesy love songs and doing adlibs like they haven't a care in the world.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Their flame in the wind is flickering.
It seems the regime is losing the war. The guards are decreasing in number too, probably called to beef up numbers at the frontlines. This would have been a reason for celebration to the prisoners, if not for the fact that the food supplies are running out too. Rice becomes gruel, which gets thinner and thinner till there's hardly any rice grains left in the tasteless white soup.
There's no need to work anymore. The guards left behind, having no idea what to do with the prisoners, and fearing a mutiny by the prisoners who now outnumber them vastly, keep them under lock and key the entire day. Some days they even forget about the food, too worried about their own future.
They have become too weak to sing. Nowadays, they just touch their fingers through the rat hole and pray for help to come before they waste away. They've gotten so thin they are actually able to hold hands now.
The seventy-seventh night.
Once again, they're lying side by side. They hardly move from this position anymore.
"H.. hey."
"Yeah?"
"M... my name is Jinki. Lee Jinki."
Jonghyun smiles.
"My name's Kim Jonghyun."
A tear forms at the corner of his eye. It rolls down when he closes his eyes.
He ought to be yelling at how cruel it is, or laughing at how ironic it is. But he just lies there quietly, feeling as much of Jinki as he can. His voice, his hand, his thoughts. He fills in Jinki's name in all his memories of him. Jinki, Jinki, Jinki.
"The boy... the boy before you. His na.. name was Taemin. Lee Tae...min. You would... you would have liked him."
"I would."
"He would have... liked... liked you too."
"That's great."
He tightens his hold on Jinki's fingers, just as Jinki's hold slackens.
"I... I wish I had-"
There's an explosion, then blinding light, and then blackness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When Jonghyun opens his eyes, a small face with big eyes and raised brows is just mere centimeters from his nose.
He finds it perfectly reasonable that his first reaction is to scream.
The face turns out to be his doctor, a tall man who looks almost his age. He presses a pair of cool hands onto Jonghyun's shoulders, soothing him.
"You're not dead, if that's what you want to ask. You're just very weak now, so just stay still for a bit more."
"Jinki," he croaks, voice rusty from days of disuse.
"I beg your pardon?"
He clears his throat. "Where's Jinki?" It comes out better, so he smiles up at the doctor eagerly. His face hurts though, so it twists into a grimace.
The doctor is nice enough not to flinch. "I'm sorry, I don't know anyone's names here. You're the first to wake up, everyone else is still unconscious."
He tries to sit up, but his head spins and he falls back onto his bed.
"That's right," says the doctor. "Rest a bit more, then when you're much better, you can go look for your friend."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Jonghyun eagerly limps to every single bed the minute its occupant awakes, demanding their name. It's a cause of much consternation in the staff, but Jonghyun couldn't care less.
Within the week, most of the patients have regained consciousness. None of them are Jinki. Jonghyun hovers over the few remaining ones that are still in a deep sleep. There's three left. He stands by each in turn, studying their faces intently. It's hard, because their faces are bandaged to various degrees. He also touches their hands very studiously, earning him a sharp "Don't molest the patients!" from one of the nurses.
It's worth it. He's quite sure the one with sharp cheekbones and cupid's bow lips is Jinki. Every day when the nurses aren't feeding him stuff or hooking him up to tubes or changing his bandages, he hobbles to Jinki's bedside.
"Jinki."
It sounds nice on his tongue.
"Hey Jinki, wake up quick, okay? There's so many things I want to tell you and so many things I want to ask you. I also want to see the colour of your eyes, if that's not too creepy."
He pauses, taking in Jinki's sleeping form. He looks peaceful in his sleep, which makes Jonghyun happy.
"We've got our new life now, you know. So wake up quickly, and we can get to know each other properly, yeah?"
"Or maybe," says a merry voice behind him, "we could get to know each other properly if you start talking to the right person first."
Startled, Jonghyun drops the person's hand and whips around. Behind him, a very thin boy stands, supported by the doctor. The radiance of his smile outshines the deathly pallor on his sunken cheeks.
The doctor clears his throat, determinedly pulling down the corner of his mouth that is threatening to curve upwards.
"Well he just woke up, and I asked him what his name was since... well, since the whole hospital knows you're looking for Jinki."
Jinki's smile increases in brilliance. "Hello, Kim Jonghyun."
Jonghyun beams back. Mortification be damned. Embarrassment be damned. He steps forward and wraps his arms around Jinki, subtly elbowing the doctor away.
"You never told me everything," he says reproachfully as they move to Jinki's bed, the doctor a little glum at Jonghyun's lack of gratitude.
"I know. I'm sorry. Where do you want to start?"
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"Oh. I'm twenty-five," says Jonghyun, tone a tad dismal.
"You can just call me Jinki," says Jinki, switching on Jonghyun's smile again.
"Jinki." Jonghyun beams at him happily. Then his expression turns serious. "You know, before the explosion... you were saying something?"
Jinki frowns. "I was?"
"You were! You said 'I wish I had' but before you could finish, the explosion happened! Remember?"
"I wish I had..." Jinki scrunches his brow in concentration as Jonghyun and the doctor help him into the bed.
"You don't remember?"
"Wait, give me a moment..."
Jonghyun drops into the chair beside the bed, an expression of desolation clear on his face. He doesn't notice Jinki pressing his lips together, eyes shining with mirth. He also doesn't notice the doctor removing himself from the scene quietly.
"You don't remember..." Jonghyun says sadly.
"What makes you think I was saying something important?"
"It felt important to me," comes the glum reply.
Jinki reaches out his hand, curling his fingers around Jonghyun's. Jonghyun looks up, and is greeted by Jinki's soft smile.
"I wanted to say 'I wish I'd spent every single day I had learning about you and committing every part of you to memory.'"
"Well," says Jonghyun, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, "no time better than the present to start."
The doctor approaches, sees their linked hands resting on the bed, and leaves again with a long-suffering sigh.
THE END.