SHINee Shorts 2013: ibreatheparadox
Title: Serendipity (Of us, and the years to come)
Author: ibreatheparadox
Pairing: Jonghyun/Key
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Word Count: 7,417
I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy,
I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.
-Art Williams
Kibum is checking if their luggage is set, if they’ve packed enough underwear and shirts and if the toothbrushes are in the little pouch. He also checks if Maven has all of her favourite toys packed on a small backpack; this kid could go hysterical if one of her dolls went missing. The last time they went on a trip like this, it had been nothing short of disaster, forgetting almost all of the important stuff. He’s learnt to check everything thrice, just in case.
“Hey, you done?” Kibum looks up at the man standing at the doorway of their bedroom, hair a light chocolate brown and bangs side-swept, covering one if his eyes. On his arm is a toddler playing with the man’s shades hooked on his shirt.
Kibum grins. “Yeah, almost done Jjong.”
“Are Maven’s toys ready?” The older male asks as Kibum zips up the last of the bags. He approaches Kibum and sits down on the edge of the bed, putting the toddler on his lap.
“Yeah.”
The child giggles as Jonghyun starts to bounce her on his lap.
“Faster Papa!” She chortles.
“Come on,” Kibum murmurs, voice soft. He gently picks up the little girl from Jonghyun’s lap; she’s no less than four years old, her hair is long and shaded deep brown and her eyes, akin to the gray of storming skies.
"Come on Mave, let’s get you dressed.”
>"<
Kibum gets a call from a company, they don’t tell much except to be there at this exact date and time-all professional and boring as the lady informs him. He holds his breath because this is the second time he tries for this agency; the first time they said that Kibum wasn’t enough. He doesn’t hope yet though as he walks quietly through the hallways, not until he hears it loud and clear.
He shuts himself out after the first failed attempt but once he got over it, he decides to try again. Because he misses the feeling- it’s been so long since he last lost himself in music, he misses the adrenaline and the way his muscles and limbs ache from the physical effort. So he tries again.
The wave of nostalgia overwhelms him though, that feeling is back. That very same feeling he got when he was told that he wasn’t enough, that they needed someone else. The fact that he was almost there, just a little more and he could’ve made the cut. Tears are brimming in his eyes as the familiar feeling crashes into him like a tidal wave.
He walks faster and bumps into someone as he nears the elevators. They both land ungraciously on the floor.
“Watch where you’re going, jerk!” Kibum yells to the person he bumps into, hastily standing up and dusting off his pants. He doesn’t mean to snap but in his defence, he was having an off day. He ignores the ‘sorry’ that falls from the person’s lips and Kibum eyes him for a second and wonders why his face is sort of familiar. Kibum hits the other boy’s shoulder as he walks past him but a hand shoots out to grab his arm.
“Wait… you’re Kibum right? You were the one who tried again for the auditions?” The boy asks.
He suddenly feels exposed, he feels like he has been slapped on the face from that ever so blunt question. Kibum glares at him and harshly pulls away from the other’s touch.
“I didn’t mean to offend you.” The boy hastily adds when Kibum doesn’t reply and just stands there, trying to hide the scowl on his face. “I… I admire you actually. “I’m Kim Jonghyun and I was at the auditions too” He sheepishly says, hand coming up awkwardly to rub his nape. “But anyways, yeah… I’m a fan. And I was hoping to see you here; did you also get a call?”
Kibum blinks at him in confusion. He had a fan? He zones out for a moment before the other-Jonghyun, clears his throat, obviously waiting for an answer.
“I… I… yeah but wait... a fan?”
Jonghyun grins at him. “Yeah! I mean do you know how great you are when you dance?”
Kibum blushes a bit from the compliment. “I... thanks. I don’t know if I got in yet though.”
“If you got called then you’ve got in.”
Kibum stares at him blankly before clearing his throat. “Thank you but I don’t want to get my hopes up yet,” He backs away slowly before saying, “It was nice meeting you.”
“Likewise.”
The elevator opens with a ‘ding’ when he hears his name being called out. He turns around to see Jonghyun standing a few steps away, smiling with his head tilted sideways. Just like a puppy, Kibum thought.
“Sometimes it’s painful to know that you tried your best but still-they don’t think it’s enough. It’s happened to me before but I let myself feel the pain, because it’s inevitable and you can’t fight it but… I didn’t let it overcome me. Because I know it will get better... Just thought you should know.” He shrugs and then he’s off.
>"<
They get an apartment downtown of New Jersey. It is… to put it simply, different. It’s definitely not like the high-class hotels they usually stayed at when they went overseas or their previous dorms which were way bigger than this on, but it’s decent enough. It’s big enough for two people-a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom-the basic kind of apartment. Jonghyun promises to buy a better house in the near future when they’ve both earned enough.
Kibum fidgets with a stretched rubber band on his left wrist that was previously holding his shoulder length hair. His hair is a mix of black, from roots to his ears and dark blue, from ears to the ends since he hasn’t bothered dying it back to black or even cutting it after the disaster. A pair of arms wraps around Kibum, his back against the other’s chest and pulling him close into a tight embrace.
“We’re okay,” Jonghyun murmurs, nose nuzzling at the back of Kibum’s ear. “We’re finally okay…”
And Kibum knows that Jonghyun is right. Because they’re in a different place with people that don’t even know them. Here, they’re not idols or singers or performers. Here, they’re normal and ordinary-just them. Finally.
Kibum relaxes and breathes out. “Yeah.”
>"<
Their debut is full of joy and celebration. It’s successful, not as successful as other groups’ debuts, but… it’s something.
Right now, it’s the after-party and there are cakes and drinks, staffs and their manager all inside one of their practice rooms. They shout with glee and laughter. There’s Kibum with a lump of vanilla cake on his cheek and more cake all over his hair, he catches Jonghyun looking at him and he grins. And Jonghyun feels the butterflies in his stomach, but he ignores it and takes a minute too late to react when he gets his share of cake, all over his face.
>"<
The language barrier is probably their biggest problem amongst other things. Granted, Kibum knows more than the basics of English but it isn’t enough to hold a decent and long conversation. It is hard enough to live in a foreign city with people who are more or less rude, most of the time.
Luckily, getting a job is a bit easier since two doors down their left lived a nice old lady with her grandson-both Korean. The grandson, Junhee helps Kibum get a job at a high-end dance academy as a part-time dance instructor.
At first Kibum refuses because sometimes, dancing brings back those memories, memories of dancing and singing on stage, performing for thousands of fans and inspiring people with his talent. He remembers the fact that he was the reason five people, including him, lost their dreams. But Junhee convinces him, says that it’ll be the most convenient since dancing is all about body language so Kibum doesn’t really need to use his voice. With the bills piling up and their savings being depleted everyday-he says yes. The manager says he won’t be a regular instructor because they’re fully-staffed but they accept Kibum since he’s good. And if he gets better and the students like him, he’ll get the job permanently.
And Kibum’s thinks this is all vaguely familiar, because once again, he needs to do better and be better to get accepted.
Jonghyun gets a job as a sales clerk at a record store within walking distance from their apartment. He still writes music, usually when there are no customers and he sometimes composes with his laptop when he’s not doing anything home because now, he’s stronger than the younger one. While Kibum refuses to dance because it reminds him of the past, Jonghyun continues doing what he does best.
Because it hurts when he lets himself do these things but it’s a different kind of hurt, it’s a good pain- something that lets him reminisce the good old days before everything went downhill. It makes him happy and complete. It’s a paradox. But when he gets too carried away, he takes a deep breath and he remembers that he has Kibum… he’s with Kibum and suddenly the pain seems to ebb away.
Kibum laughs as he watches Jonghyun down his breakfast in one go, muttering that he can’t be late for his second day of work. He quickly kisses Kibum on the lips and he says, “I love you.”
“Love you too, Jjong.” Kibum replies and Jonghyun is off.
He chuckles lightly as he watches Jonghyun fumble with his slip-ons and hastily closes the door. Things are finally looking up.
>"<
They’re at Yoyogi National Gymnasium and are about to hold their first ever concert. The intro VCR is already playing and Kibum can hear the screams and cheers of the fans outside. They’re in position and in ten minutes, they will go out and rock that stage. But Kibum’s heart is about to burst from sheer anxiety and he runs for the bathroom, a staff member trying to call him as he pushes past the throngs of people.
Kibum doesn’t throw up, thankfully-but he’s pretty close. He hyperventilates from too much nervousness and he resists the urge to turn on the faucet and wash his face because the stylist noonas might actually cut his head off for ruining his makeup. He grips the edge of the sink instead while trying to even out his breathing.
“Hey Key… “Jonghyun approaches the younger slowly. “It’s going to be okay.” His hand shoots up to Kibum’s nape and gently massages it.
“Five minutes.” The earpiece says.
“Key, hey… Kibum-come on.”
Kibum is too overwhelmed with his own emotions that he barely hears Jonghyun calling out on him. He suddenly feels light headed and it seems that everything’s starting to blur around him. Jonghyun yanks him by the shoulders and all thoughts of probably passing out right now flies out of the window when the elder kisses him right on the lips. It snaps him out alright, his eyes-widening and promptly pushing the other off of him.
“What-“
“Two minutes.” the ear piece cuts him out.
Kibum blinks once, twice before Jonghyun is pulling him out the bathroom. And the next thing Kibum knows, they’re on stage, performing for their fans. He casts a glance towards Jonghyun as he finishes his lines. Jonghyun catches the other’s eyes and he smiles. Despite himself, Kibum smiles back.
>"<
Kibum usually buys the groceries with Junhee when he’s free since the latter speaks fluent English and Kibum needs just a bit more improvement. But after a few months of constant studying and his neighbour’s help, he gets better. A lot better than he could ever have imagined, he can keep up conversations with his students that don’t only consist of ‘one and two and three, left and right’.
He’s in the fruits aisle, deciding whether the green or red apples look better when he vaguely hears his name being called. He abruptly turns around to the source of the sound and sees a teenage American girl with brown hair and an Asian girl with short black hair. He blinks at them and the other two repeat the gesture. Kibum clears his throat and hesitantly smiles because he can’t be rude, right? Even if he heard his name, right or wrong. He turns back his attention to the fruits and decides that the green apples are better and puts it in his basket returning the red ones back to their place when he feels a light tap on his shoulder. He turns around again and sees the two girls, now standing right behind him, the American one, holds out a pen and paper.
"Oppa, can I-have-autograph-your autograph?” She says in broken Korean, seemingly unsure if she said the right words, because Kibum looks promptly taken aback but he regains composure and takes the pen and paper.
“I didn’t know we-I, still had fans.” He says in English.
The other girl-the Asian one squeals, hand coming up to cover her mouth to muffle it, the American girl seems just as surprised. “You can… speak English?”
Kibum just shrugs, handing back the pen and paper to the girl. “Had lots of practice.”
They both nod in understanding and the Asian girl speaks. “Jonghyun-oppa and you… you still have fans, we support you despite… what happened.”
Kibum blinks, a little too stunned from the comment.
“It shouldn’t matter who the society dictates you to love, oppa, what matters is that you’re happy with the person you love.” The other girl adds.
This time, he smiles genuinely at them, “Thank you.”
>"<
They don’t talk about it but sometimes Jonghyun kisses him and sometimes it’s vice versa. It’s a small gesture and they don’t ever mention it. Along with the times Jonghyun slips into his bed and embraces him from behind and Kibum thinks he fits perfectly in the older man’s arms, the way his back is firmly pressed on the other’s chest and the way Jonghyun’s arms hold him tight. But it’s an unspoken agreement, they don’t talk about it. Because Kibum believes that as long as it’s not spoken out loud-it’s not real, whatever they have, the knowing glances, the secret smiles, the simple kisses.
It’s a shock for the younger male when the news booms with a new idol couple, that Jonghyun is dating an actress. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting it but still, it hurts like fuck. But then, it’s not like they had something special right? It’s not like Jonghyun saw him as more than a friend right? So why did it hurt so much when he found out?
Jonghyun bursts into his bedroom while the younger man is idling on his bed. Jonghyun is breathing hard like he just ran a hundred of miles, hair all mussed up and cheeks red. He takes a couple of seconds to catch his breath and when he does, the first thing he says is: “It’s not real.”
Kibum sits up and moves to the edge of the bed, cocks his head to the side, confusion etched on his face.
“I was going to tell you that there had been plans for a publicity stunt with me dating her… but I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Kibum raises an eyebrow, not really knowing how to react. “It’s okay Jonghyun, I’m your best friend, but that doesn’t entitle me to the right to know every single thing about you, you don’t have to tell me things if you don’t want to.” He resists the urge to snap out his words because hating on the older male would be unfair. He doesn’t even know why he feels this way.
“I wanted to tell you because I didn’t want you getting the wrong idea, Kibum.”
“Jonghyun, why would I even misunderstand?” He tries to feign nonchalance but he’s slowly breaking apart.
Jonghyun sighs, looking very much tired. “Kibum, you know what I’m talking about right? Please tell me you know.” He pleads.
And this is it, Kibum thinks, they’re talking about it, about what they have-about them. It’ll be real, it’ll become real, too real that the next thing Kibum knows is that he’s standing up and furiously rubbing the tears, spilling out of his eyes.
He exhales harshly. “What-what are we?” Kibum finally manages to ask the question that’s been bothering him ever since all of this started.
“I-“ Jonghyun starts, walking forward until he’s in front of the other. He gingerly places his hand on the younger man’s cheek, the latter flinching from the sudden contact.
Jonghyun swallows hard, eyes searching and Kibum knows that he’s not the only one nervous. He slowly leans forward as Kibum’s eyes slowly close and then they kiss. And it’s different-different from the simple kisses they’ve shared in the past because this one, this kiss-this is pure, all raw emotions and pent up frustrations and unspoken words, so much want and so much need. Jonghyun holds him tighter, arms hugging the other’s waist as Kibum tangles with the mass of brown hair the older man has.
When Jonghyun pulls away, forehead resting against the other, harsh breaths, he whispers. “I…I- you know, right?” That I love you.
Kibum nods. “Yeah… me too.” I love you too.
>"<
“I was wondering…” Jonghyun starts.
“No. I don’t want another cat, Jonghyun.” Kibum retorts, because the last one had been nothing but a furball of evil-this is why Kibum had always liked dogs. Jonghyun too, but he said he wanted to try and take care of a cat for a change.
They’re eating at some fancy restaurant that Kibum had initially refused to go to since it was a waste of money that could be going into their savings for that house they want to buy-they’re almost there. But Jonghyun had insisted.
“No-not that.” Jonghyun almost whines and suddenly he’s nervous, eyes refusing to meet the other’s eyes.
Kibum’s eyes narrow, eyeing him suspiciously. “You-did you lose your job? Or do you have a disease I don’t know about? STDs? HIV perhaps? Did you cheat-“
“No. Jesus Kibum, shut up!” Jonghyun cuts him off, rolling his eyes. He’s thankful that they’re talking in Korean because the people around them are giving them funny looks.
“Then what?” Kibum demands.
Jonghyun clears his throat, obviously restless. “Oh fuck it.” He grumbles and pulls something out of his pocket, a small golden ring. Kibum looks at him, eyes wide.
Jonghyun takes a deep breath and speaks. “I was wondering… I actually had a speech prepared but I’m obviously not gonna go with it, so yeah uhm-anyways, I was wondering because you know, we both have citizenship and gay marriage is legalized here-“
“Stop beating around the bush Jonghyun!” Kibum snaps, still on edge.
“Marry me?”
Kibum slumps backward on his chair, relief flooding his features before sitting properly again.
“Of course you idiot, I will.”
>"<
It takes approximately five hours from when Jonghyun loses his laptop on the airport for the photos to be uploaded on the internet, (photos of skin on skin, ranging from innocent to obscene shots) ten minutes after that-the photos went absolutely viral.
Kibum is staring blankly into an empty space, sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the wall of their bedroom. The door is open enough for him to hear the commotion going on outside the living room.
“-so stupid of you!” He hears Minho shout.
“How can you be so fucking careless Jonghyun?!” Taemin spats.
Jonghyun scowls. “You watch your mouth Taemin, I’m still older than you, so you ought to show some respect!”
“You could be my fucking father for all I care!”
Jonghyun stands up from the couch, hands pulling his hair in frustration before letting go. “What do you want me to say?” He raises his voice. “’I’m sorry I fucked up?’ You think I wanted any of this to happen? You think I wanted all my private shit shown to the whole fucking world?!”
“Saying sorry won’t fix anything, will it?!” Taemin retorts.
Jonghyun eventually explodes, grabbing the younger male by the collar and pushing him against the wall. Minho immediately comes forward, trying to pry away the lead singer-apparently his muscles aren’t just for show as he refuses to back down, pinning Taemin to the wall firmly, the latter looking like a deer caught in headlights.
“I do not need this shit from you,” He almost growls and then he lets go of Taemin, turning his attention to Minho. “or from you.” He spats.
They hear someone enter the door and Jinki comes in, face very much tired after a long conversation he had with the manager. “You all need to shut up because I could hear you from outside. They want to talk to us first thing in the morning.” And with that their leader leaves for the kitchen.
Taemin is still glaring menacingly at Jonghyun but Minho drags him to the other bedroom. He sighs heavily and goes to Kibum’s bedroom. He finds him sitting on the floor and after a second’s hesitation, he joins the younger male, shoulders bumping lightly with the other as he sits down.
“We have a meeting tomorrow.” Jonghyun breathes out after a length of silence.
“Yeah… I heard.”
The tension isn’t exactly thick between them; Jonghyun just doesn’t know what to say. He’s sorry, so so so sorry for dragging down everyone with him-but he’s also mad at himself for doing it. His emotions are a big jumble of rage, regret, sadness and lost hope. And he feels so weak with all these emotions hitting him so strong that he doesn’t even have time to even breathe.
He needs shelter, he needs someone to tell him that it’s gonna be okay, he needs someone to tell him that it’s entirely not his fault, he just needs someone. But Kibum isn’t talking to him and he understands, because the one that got the worst blow was Kibum. And he can’t add to the burdens the younger male is carrying right now. No, he can’t do that.
“It’s not your fault.” Kibum eventually says.
And two seconds after that, Jonghyun breaks and he’s crying and pleading and regretting. Because everything is just too much that he can’t handle it-he can’t handle the fact that he was so careless and selfish and stupid.
Kibum holds him tight, lets him cry his heart out, the elder’s fingers clutching at the front of his shirt desperately.
>"<
“I was doing some research…” Jonghyun starts, shivering lightly as Kibum’s fingers card into his dark brown hair. He shifts a little so his head is placed more comfortably on the younger’s lap, legs dangling off the armrest as he lies on the couch. Kibum is reading a book and is mindlessly running his hand through Jonghyun’s soft locks of hair.
After two years of hard work, with Kibum being promoted and permanently on his job since last year, and with Jonghyun doing well with his side job as a composer, they finally bought that better, bigger house Jonghyun had promised.
Kibum hums in acknowledgement.
“…and well… we could adopt.” Jonghyun eventually says. That gets Kibum’s attention, hand stopping its motions, eyes big and questioning as he looks down on Jonghyun. The elder hastily sits up and crosses his legs together on the couch. Kibum keeps looking at him as if he’s just grown another head.
“It’s just an idea… and you always wanted kids and I do too but if-“
Jonghyun lets out an ‘oomph’ when the elder tackles him on the couch. “You. Are. An. Amazing. Person. You know that?” Kibum punctuates every word as he nuzzles further into Jonghyun’s warmth.
“So is that a yes?” Jonghyun asks, grinning as the younger one lets him go.
Kibum nods, a big grin plastered on his face. “It’s not a no.”
>"<
"No! Fuck you... all of you!" Minho shouts before standing up to leave the room.
He leaves because he's upset. He leaves the meeting because even though he still wants to strangle his hyungs for being stupid, he can't bring himself to accept the conclusion of their fate.
Jonghyun and Kibum's contracts are automatically terminated for causing havoc because of their scandal, tainting the image of the group and the company as well. The contracts of the other three will remain intact as they were not ever involved with the other two's relationship. Unofficially, they disband. And Minho finds all of these to be absurd because he believes that love is deserved by everyone. It's all unfair.
He feels a sturdy grip on his shoulder. "Minho, it's okay you know? It's okay." Kibum murmurs quietly, having followed the rapper out.
Minho sighs and tears fall from his eyes, he rarely lets himself cry in front of anyone but this was too much. "I still hate you both-for being stupid. But-but it's not fair. It's not like you suddenly changed..."
Kibum gives him a small smile."You're right, but it's not going to change what the majority of people think of us... It's the best option okay? Now go back to the room and apologize because Jonghyun is already saving your ass in there."
Minho finally looks up to Kibum’s eyes. "Kibum... you at least deserve something better, I mean, being what you are doesn’t make anyone less of a person right? Besides, what does your relationship with Jonghyun-hyung got to do with your career?"
"The last thing I want to do is to drag you down lower than where we are now," Kibum replies, voice soft. "Go back, just please, okay? You'll make me guiltier than I already am if you get kicked out too."
The rapper furiously rubs his eyes and launches himself to Kibum, embracing him so tight. "I'm... sorry Kibum. I'm sorry."
Jonghyun is in the bedroom folding the last of his clothes and packing them carefully in his suitcase when Kibum appears by the doorway, leaning on it while his arms are crossed over his chest. The short silence is broken when the elder decides to speak up, sitting on the edge of the bed, having finished packing his clothes.
"I'm..." He starts awkwardly, clearing his throat. "I'm going to this apartment, a friend got for me... I tried contacting my family and well, they didn't want to see me after... what happened."
Kibum hums in acknowledgement, still not moving from his previous position.
"You?"
"My family's... worried and they just want me home."
"Daegu?"
"Yeah."
Silence overtakes again but this time, it’s different. There’s tension; very, very palpable tension and it’s starting to suffocate them both. Kibum tries to keep himself occupied by dropping his gaze on the hardwood floor as Jonghyun fiddles with the hem of his black shirt.
The younger eventually pushes himself off the door and stands straighter, running a hand through his dark blue hair. "I..." He starts, but his voice dies down. He takes a deep breath then: "It's... It's better if we don't keep in contact."
It takes a moment but Jonghyun looks up then, eyes dull and tired. "Come here." He murmurs quietly and Kibum simply obliges.
Jonghyun’s arms immediately wind their way around Kibum's waist as soon as the latter stops in front of him, resting his head on the hard plane of Kibum's stomach, the latter running his hand through the mass of blondish brown hair of the elder. After a minute or two, Jonghyun shoulders start to shake as he buries his face further on the younger’s stomach- an uncontrollable sob breaking out.
"I'm sorry." He muffles on to the material of Kibum’s shirt as he clutches tighter to him.
"I'm sorry." He keeps repeating.
And Kibum keeps quiet, hot tears burning the back of his eyelids as he closes his eyes because it's not like sorry's gonna bring back anything.
>"<
The biggest dam breaks when Jonghyun loses his job and after three years of their life constantly going up and down; with shouting and breaking things and sleeping on couches and mending broken hearts because of financial problems and the fact that Kibum can't seem to let go of the idea of having a kid.
"It's like you don't even want a child anymore!" Kibum screams, slamming the door of their bedroom.
"What the fuck ‘Bum?!" Jonghyun shouts back, following the younger to the room. "I never said anything about not wanting a child anymore! It's just that- I think we should take a break because we've been spending a lot of money for this adoption thing with no results whatsoever and to top it all off, I just lost my job!"
Kibum keeps his face turned away, his arms embracing himself tightly as he tries to keep the tears at bay and that makes Jonghyun’s anger dissipate a little. There are times that Kibum would look like this, vulnerable and weak-- like he’s about to break, and Jonghyun doesn’t like seeing any of this; especially if it is because of him.
He takes a deep breath. "I'm just- tired and stressed from everything."
Kibum scowls, getting the wrong impression. "Are you... are you trying to tell me that you're tired of us? Do you…” He chokes a bit before speaking again, voice turning into a frail whisper. “do you want us to break up?"
Jonghyun suddenly looks alarmed, panic showing through his features. He catches both of Kibum’s wrists, “What? Baby, no! I didn't say shit about wanting to break up.”
He pulls the younger into an embrace. “I just- need time to think about this, about the adoption, about a new job, about everything okay? I’m sorry I blew up on you.”
Hot tears are burning Kibum’s closed eyelids, he inhales a sharply. He loves Jonghyun-he loves this man too much and they’ve been through a lot, giving up isn’t an option.
So he forgives him. “...Okay.”
>"<
Hours turn into days, and days eventually turn into months.
Kibum usually stays cooped up in his bedroom, he comes out to eat with his parents to show them that he's okay, which is a big fat lie because anyone with a pair of eyes can see that he is most certainly not in good shape. But they don't call him out on it because they know that when Kibum's ready- he'll open up. Kibum tries to maintain a decent disposition, at least when his parents are home, which most of the time they aren’t because of work. And in those times, Kibum's facade breaks, he doesn't actually cry but he loses that smile and loses that spark in his eyes. He watches television sometimes to entertain himself but once he hears music or sees people dancing- he turns it off. He's not ready for that. It hurts too much.
His life turns into a monotone of black and white- but sometimes it gains a little bit of color, of sad blue, of angry red, of happy orange and a dash of purple of longing. Those times, Kibum lets himself miss Jonghyun. Because he needs to keep himself sane and grounded- needs to keep himself at least alive because he can't hurt his family again, so missing the elder seems to be the best way. Kibum misses the twinkle of his eyes, his boisterous laughter, his mischievous smiles, his soft lips against his, the ‘I love you’s.
He misses him sometimes, not all the time; because if he does, his heart might not be able to take it. So sometimes is enough.
>"<
She's beautiful. With striking gray eyes, cherry red lips and wispy brown hair covering her little head.
Jonghyun holds her like shes was the most fragile thing in the world- holds her safe and secure. He settles her down gently on the bed before holding out a finger, the baby grabs it with her small hand and giggles, Jonghyun grins.
Kibum comes in from the kitchen, holding a bottle of warm milk and smiles at the sight of Jonghyun teaching her how to talk.
"Come on. Say daddy." Jonghyun pleads. "Daddy." He drawls and then he spells it out, "D-A-D-D-Y."
Kibum laughs, making his way to the bed and flopping down on the edge. "She can't understand you yet, you know?"
"She understands me just fine." Jonghyun shoots back turning to his daughter. "Isn't that right Maven?" He gushes and the baby spouts a mouthful of nonsense.
Kibum snorts and scoots closer, handing over the baby bottle to Maven.
"You're an amazing mom, you know?" Jonghyun teases as he looks at the younger male supporting the bottle Maven is drinking from.
"Who says I'm the mother? You're obviously more girly than me."
"Hey-" Jonghyun protests. "It's not like I'm the one who bottoms dur-"
"Shhh, language Jjong."
"I'm speaking Korean and she can't even understand what I'm saying." Jonghyun deadpans.
"No I meant you’re spouting nonsense and it's not cute like when Maven does it." Kibum grins as he takes off the bottle from the baby's lips.
"But I love you!" Jonghyun shouts.
"And... I love you too you idiot." Kibum replies, rolling his eyes.
Jonghyun swoops in and pecks Kibum on the lips and Maven giggles looking up at them.
>"<
Six hours ago, Jonghyun was sitting on his couch drowning in his misery, in which his older sister convinces him to visit Kibum and talk about all this shit; Songdam isn't even allowed to visit Jonghyun because their parents don’t want her to but she’s sneaky and she gets away with it. And because Songdam is sneaky as fuck, she has talked to Kibum prior to convincing her brother about meeting up. Just like that, his sister sets up a meeting place and time.
And now Jonghyun is in Daegu, standing in an abandoned park in the middle of the night, his sister promptly dashing off and telling him that Kibum will come any minute and that she will be back in an hour.
Sure enough, after ten minutes of Jonghyun idling at the park, he abruptly stands up because he sees him. Kibum. After so many months, he’s actually standing three feet away from Jonghyun. His hair is still dark blue but black roots are already showing on the crown of his head.
Kibum gives a tentative smile and suddenly Jonghyun feels so nervous and agitated because they're actually here... facing each other and the only thing he wants to do is embrace him and tell him how much he loves this man. But he doesn't; he stays frozen in place, voice not working to form any coherent words. So Kibum starts.
"So... Songdam noona called me, said you wanted to talk."
Jonghyun lets out a cough before eventually regaining composure. "I... yeah."
Jonghyun's mind is running a hundred miles per minute because he is so anxious and happy and hoping and he just feels so complete all of a sudden, the minute he sees Kibum and he wants to exactly tell him that but he doesn't know how to even start. He doesn't even know if he deserves to say those things to him.
Awkward silence reigns over them before Kibum loses patience. "I'm not gonna stand here forever you know? Just talk so we can have closure or whatever."
Jonghyun knows Kibum like an open book so even though he tries to appear with an air of nonchalance, tries to talk offhandedly. He can still see the real Kibum.
"I miss you." Jonghyun blurts out.
Kibum sighs and that’s all it takes before he’s stripped bare in front of the other’s eyes, and suddenly Jonghyun can see the tired eyes, the messy hair and he knows that the younger isn't in the best shape.
"You came all the way here just to say that?"
"Yes, because it's true and I... I’m sorry for chickening out and I-damn, Kibum, I want you back okay?" Jonghyun eventually says and god, did it feel good. He feels lighter getting it out.
Kibum scowls, suddenly angry. "You're telling me that you want me back after what?! Eight fucking months?!"
"I know... I’m sorry but I think we- I think... we both needed space." Jonghyun responds.
Kibum shuts his eyes and when he opens them, they're already glassy with tears. "... I waited for you and I don't know-" He barks off a humourless laugh. "But then I-remembered that we couldn’t be together and I..." He doesn't finish his sentence because by now, he's already a crying mess.
Kibum is mostly rambling and it’s confusing but in a way, because Jonghyun is Jonghyun, he knows how Kibum’s mind works, in that sense alone, he understands.
Jonghyun stares at him, still unmoving. He is cautious about approaching the younger; he doesn’t want to make a wrong move on this.
"You were the one who said you wanted to cut off all contact." He slowly says.
"I know but... I..." Kibum chokes back a sob. "I wanted to be with you." He finally admits. "And I still do and I'm sorry because I was selfish of deciding everything for us but I was just so confused and scared shitless. I... I thought I wasn't important enough for you to fight for so I ended everything before... you could."
Jonghyun smiles a bit before pulling Kibum to him, trapping him to an embrace, tears already brimming from his eyes. "I love you okay?” He starts. “And- and you were right, it was stupid of you to ever think that you were not important enough for me but you are... and I'm sorry for taking this long but you gotta understand that I’m scared too."
Kibum eventually melts into Jonghyun’s embrace, clutching tighter at Jonghyun's moss green jacket. His tears are drying on his cheeks by the time he pulls back. "But how do we... how can we be together?" He asks.
Jonghyun understands; He doesn’t want to be here, where everyone judges them for being true to themselves, where the majority of people do not understand that liking someone is not a matter of choosing, never a matter of choice but a matter of following your heart.
"We start anew, somewhere... somewhere that's not here."
KIbum eyes him carefully, a bit doubtful but it’s there-the spark of hope. "I... do you really want this?" He asks, because he's already so broken from everything. He is so tired of hoping for good things to happen. He can't afford to get hurt again if Jonghyun suddenly realizes that he doesn't really want this.
Jonghyun nods before resting his forehead against the other. "Kibum... when I'm with you, I'm home."
>"<
"Jinki-hyung and Luna-noona say hi by the way." Taemin says, voice a bit scratchy as it filters through the speakers.
Kibum hums in agreement. "Say hi for us too, Taem. How's everyone?" He asks, looking directly at the camera.
Taemin scratches his hair. "They're good! Jinki's doing his fourth musical and Minho's doing well with his new drama!"
"And you?"
"My Japanese single is doing great in Japan!" Taemin announces with glee, showing off said album in front of the camera.
Kibum laughs, voice dying down gradually and then he sort of zones out from their video chat when the maknae excuses himself to change into a pair of jeans.
"We miss you hyung... do you plan on visiting anytime soon?" Taemin asks, voice suddenly serious and hopeful.
He snaps out of his reverie, blinking a bit before shrugging. "Someday Taemin." He promises. Because even though it was a long time ago, the pain is still there- a dull ache that constantly bugs him and reminds him of the shit they had to go through before finally getting where they are now.
There's giggling and soft footsteps and Maven comes walking in, asking to be lifted up by her daddy. "Hey baby, you're up early." He coos, placing her on his lap for Taemin to see.
Taemin bounces on his seat, all smiles and excitement in his eyes.
"Hey Mavy! Do you remember me?!" He asks in English, his accent never failing to amuse Kibum.
Maven giggles. "Uncle Taemin! I miss you!" the toddler says in broken Korean, excited.
Taemin looks promptly take aback. “You're talking in Korean now, wow... Hyung that's cool!"
He gestures to Kibum.
Kibum smiles, seemingly proud of his daughter. "Go bother and wake up Papa now, okay Mave?"
And with that he lets go of Maven, the latter heading for her parents' bedroom.
"Since when did you start teaching her, hyung?"
"Just last month." He brags, face smug.
"She learns fast then..." Taemin says in awe before an alarm sets off somewhere. It’s Taemin’s phone. "Oh! Hyung I gotta go!" He says, jumping up from his seat.
"Thank you for the video call Taemin. Tell everyone we miss them."
"Okay hyung! Say hello to Jonghyun-hyung for me! Bye!" Taemin waves frantically before he shuts down his camera.
As Kibum closes the computer, a wave of wistfulness washes over him and he thinks that maybe somehow, he can finally fully let go, because he has Jonghyun and he has Maven and that’s more than enough.
>"<
Kibum holds on tight to Jonghyun's hand as he feels the familiar steady rumble of the plane, ready to take off, Jonghyun intertwines their fingers together and kisses the back of the younger’s hand.
"It's gonna be alright."
Maneuvering the airport is easier than they thought it would be, with the scandal already having died down over the past year and with shades and scarves to hide their faces, nobody really notices them. Except for when their passports get checked, their faces briefly show. The lady looks at them funnily but other than that... they let it pass without any commotion.
And they're thankful for that.
Kibum smiles at him, still a bit on edge and as the plane finally does take off, wheels folding and all, both of them release a breath they realized they’ve been holding since the scandal first broke out.
>"<
Kibum is checking if their luggage is set, if they’ve packed enough underwear and shirts and if the toothbrushes are in the little pouch. He also checks if Maven has all of her favourite toys packed on a small backpack; this kid could go hysterical if one of her dolls went missing. The last time they went on a trip like this, it had been nothing short of disaster, forgetting almost all of the important stuff. He’s learnt to check everything thrice, just in case.
“Hey, you done?” Kibum looks up at the man standing at the doorway of their bedroom, hair a light chocolate brown and bangs side-swept, covering one if his eyes. On his arm is a toddler playing with the man’s shades hooked on his shirt.
Kibum grins. “Yeah, almost done Jjong.”
“Are Maven’s toys ready?” The older male asks as Kibum zips up the last of the bags. He approaches Kibum and sits down on the edge of the bed, putting the toddler on his lap.
“Yeah.”
The child giggles as Jonghyun starts to bounce her on his lap.
“Faster Papa!” She chortles.
“Come on,” Kibum murmurs, voice soft. He gently picks up the little girl from Jonghyun’s lap; she’s no less than four years old, her hair is long and shaded deep brown and her eyes, akin to the gray of storming gray skies.
"Come on Mave, let’s get you dressed.”
"Where are we going Daddy?" Maven asks in wonder as Kibum picks out a dress for her.
Kibum’s gaze falls on Jonghyun and they both share a private smile. It's a good day and Kibum has never felt this alive in years, finally breathing and living. Jonghyun tucks a lock of hair behind Maven's ear, before he stands up and embraces Kibum from behind.
"Home, Maven." Kibum says, breathless from the overwhelming happiness he's experiencing.
"We're finally going home."
Author: ibreatheparadox
Pairing: Jonghyun/Key
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Word Count: 7,417
I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy,
I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.
-Art Williams
Kibum is checking if their luggage is set, if they’ve packed enough underwear and shirts and if the toothbrushes are in the little pouch. He also checks if Maven has all of her favourite toys packed on a small backpack; this kid could go hysterical if one of her dolls went missing. The last time they went on a trip like this, it had been nothing short of disaster, forgetting almost all of the important stuff. He’s learnt to check everything thrice, just in case.
“Hey, you done?” Kibum looks up at the man standing at the doorway of their bedroom, hair a light chocolate brown and bangs side-swept, covering one if his eyes. On his arm is a toddler playing with the man’s shades hooked on his shirt.
Kibum grins. “Yeah, almost done Jjong.”
“Are Maven’s toys ready?” The older male asks as Kibum zips up the last of the bags. He approaches Kibum and sits down on the edge of the bed, putting the toddler on his lap.
“Yeah.”
The child giggles as Jonghyun starts to bounce her on his lap.
“Faster Papa!” She chortles.
“Come on,” Kibum murmurs, voice soft. He gently picks up the little girl from Jonghyun’s lap; she’s no less than four years old, her hair is long and shaded deep brown and her eyes, akin to the gray of storming skies.
"Come on Mave, let’s get you dressed.”
>"<
Kibum gets a call from a company, they don’t tell much except to be there at this exact date and time-all professional and boring as the lady informs him. He holds his breath because this is the second time he tries for this agency; the first time they said that Kibum wasn’t enough. He doesn’t hope yet though as he walks quietly through the hallways, not until he hears it loud and clear.
He shuts himself out after the first failed attempt but once he got over it, he decides to try again. Because he misses the feeling- it’s been so long since he last lost himself in music, he misses the adrenaline and the way his muscles and limbs ache from the physical effort. So he tries again.
The wave of nostalgia overwhelms him though, that feeling is back. That very same feeling he got when he was told that he wasn’t enough, that they needed someone else. The fact that he was almost there, just a little more and he could’ve made the cut. Tears are brimming in his eyes as the familiar feeling crashes into him like a tidal wave.
He walks faster and bumps into someone as he nears the elevators. They both land ungraciously on the floor.
“Watch where you’re going, jerk!” Kibum yells to the person he bumps into, hastily standing up and dusting off his pants. He doesn’t mean to snap but in his defence, he was having an off day. He ignores the ‘sorry’ that falls from the person’s lips and Kibum eyes him for a second and wonders why his face is sort of familiar. Kibum hits the other boy’s shoulder as he walks past him but a hand shoots out to grab his arm.
“Wait… you’re Kibum right? You were the one who tried again for the auditions?” The boy asks.
He suddenly feels exposed, he feels like he has been slapped on the face from that ever so blunt question. Kibum glares at him and harshly pulls away from the other’s touch.
“I didn’t mean to offend you.” The boy hastily adds when Kibum doesn’t reply and just stands there, trying to hide the scowl on his face. “I… I admire you actually. “I’m Kim Jonghyun and I was at the auditions too” He sheepishly says, hand coming up awkwardly to rub his nape. “But anyways, yeah… I’m a fan. And I was hoping to see you here; did you also get a call?”
Kibum blinks at him in confusion. He had a fan? He zones out for a moment before the other-Jonghyun, clears his throat, obviously waiting for an answer.
“I… I… yeah but wait... a fan?”
Jonghyun grins at him. “Yeah! I mean do you know how great you are when you dance?”
Kibum blushes a bit from the compliment. “I... thanks. I don’t know if I got in yet though.”
“If you got called then you’ve got in.”
Kibum stares at him blankly before clearing his throat. “Thank you but I don’t want to get my hopes up yet,” He backs away slowly before saying, “It was nice meeting you.”
“Likewise.”
The elevator opens with a ‘ding’ when he hears his name being called out. He turns around to see Jonghyun standing a few steps away, smiling with his head tilted sideways. Just like a puppy, Kibum thought.
“Sometimes it’s painful to know that you tried your best but still-they don’t think it’s enough. It’s happened to me before but I let myself feel the pain, because it’s inevitable and you can’t fight it but… I didn’t let it overcome me. Because I know it will get better... Just thought you should know.” He shrugs and then he’s off.
>"<
They get an apartment downtown of New Jersey. It is… to put it simply, different. It’s definitely not like the high-class hotels they usually stayed at when they went overseas or their previous dorms which were way bigger than this on, but it’s decent enough. It’s big enough for two people-a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom-the basic kind of apartment. Jonghyun promises to buy a better house in the near future when they’ve both earned enough.
Kibum fidgets with a stretched rubber band on his left wrist that was previously holding his shoulder length hair. His hair is a mix of black, from roots to his ears and dark blue, from ears to the ends since he hasn’t bothered dying it back to black or even cutting it after the disaster. A pair of arms wraps around Kibum, his back against the other’s chest and pulling him close into a tight embrace.
“We’re okay,” Jonghyun murmurs, nose nuzzling at the back of Kibum’s ear. “We’re finally okay…”
And Kibum knows that Jonghyun is right. Because they’re in a different place with people that don’t even know them. Here, they’re not idols or singers or performers. Here, they’re normal and ordinary-just them. Finally.
Kibum relaxes and breathes out. “Yeah.”
>"<
Their debut is full of joy and celebration. It’s successful, not as successful as other groups’ debuts, but… it’s something.
Right now, it’s the after-party and there are cakes and drinks, staffs and their manager all inside one of their practice rooms. They shout with glee and laughter. There’s Kibum with a lump of vanilla cake on his cheek and more cake all over his hair, he catches Jonghyun looking at him and he grins. And Jonghyun feels the butterflies in his stomach, but he ignores it and takes a minute too late to react when he gets his share of cake, all over his face.
>"<
The language barrier is probably their biggest problem amongst other things. Granted, Kibum knows more than the basics of English but it isn’t enough to hold a decent and long conversation. It is hard enough to live in a foreign city with people who are more or less rude, most of the time.
Luckily, getting a job is a bit easier since two doors down their left lived a nice old lady with her grandson-both Korean. The grandson, Junhee helps Kibum get a job at a high-end dance academy as a part-time dance instructor.
At first Kibum refuses because sometimes, dancing brings back those memories, memories of dancing and singing on stage, performing for thousands of fans and inspiring people with his talent. He remembers the fact that he was the reason five people, including him, lost their dreams. But Junhee convinces him, says that it’ll be the most convenient since dancing is all about body language so Kibum doesn’t really need to use his voice. With the bills piling up and their savings being depleted everyday-he says yes. The manager says he won’t be a regular instructor because they’re fully-staffed but they accept Kibum since he’s good. And if he gets better and the students like him, he’ll get the job permanently.
And Kibum’s thinks this is all vaguely familiar, because once again, he needs to do better and be better to get accepted.
Jonghyun gets a job as a sales clerk at a record store within walking distance from their apartment. He still writes music, usually when there are no customers and he sometimes composes with his laptop when he’s not doing anything home because now, he’s stronger than the younger one. While Kibum refuses to dance because it reminds him of the past, Jonghyun continues doing what he does best.
Because it hurts when he lets himself do these things but it’s a different kind of hurt, it’s a good pain- something that lets him reminisce the good old days before everything went downhill. It makes him happy and complete. It’s a paradox. But when he gets too carried away, he takes a deep breath and he remembers that he has Kibum… he’s with Kibum and suddenly the pain seems to ebb away.
Kibum laughs as he watches Jonghyun down his breakfast in one go, muttering that he can’t be late for his second day of work. He quickly kisses Kibum on the lips and he says, “I love you.”
“Love you too, Jjong.” Kibum replies and Jonghyun is off.
He chuckles lightly as he watches Jonghyun fumble with his slip-ons and hastily closes the door. Things are finally looking up.
>"<
They’re at Yoyogi National Gymnasium and are about to hold their first ever concert. The intro VCR is already playing and Kibum can hear the screams and cheers of the fans outside. They’re in position and in ten minutes, they will go out and rock that stage. But Kibum’s heart is about to burst from sheer anxiety and he runs for the bathroom, a staff member trying to call him as he pushes past the throngs of people.
Kibum doesn’t throw up, thankfully-but he’s pretty close. He hyperventilates from too much nervousness and he resists the urge to turn on the faucet and wash his face because the stylist noonas might actually cut his head off for ruining his makeup. He grips the edge of the sink instead while trying to even out his breathing.
“Hey Key… “Jonghyun approaches the younger slowly. “It’s going to be okay.” His hand shoots up to Kibum’s nape and gently massages it.
“Five minutes.” The earpiece says.
“Key, hey… Kibum-come on.”
Kibum is too overwhelmed with his own emotions that he barely hears Jonghyun calling out on him. He suddenly feels light headed and it seems that everything’s starting to blur around him. Jonghyun yanks him by the shoulders and all thoughts of probably passing out right now flies out of the window when the elder kisses him right on the lips. It snaps him out alright, his eyes-widening and promptly pushing the other off of him.
“What-“
“Two minutes.” the ear piece cuts him out.
Kibum blinks once, twice before Jonghyun is pulling him out the bathroom. And the next thing Kibum knows, they’re on stage, performing for their fans. He casts a glance towards Jonghyun as he finishes his lines. Jonghyun catches the other’s eyes and he smiles. Despite himself, Kibum smiles back.
>"<
Kibum usually buys the groceries with Junhee when he’s free since the latter speaks fluent English and Kibum needs just a bit more improvement. But after a few months of constant studying and his neighbour’s help, he gets better. A lot better than he could ever have imagined, he can keep up conversations with his students that don’t only consist of ‘one and two and three, left and right’.
He’s in the fruits aisle, deciding whether the green or red apples look better when he vaguely hears his name being called. He abruptly turns around to the source of the sound and sees a teenage American girl with brown hair and an Asian girl with short black hair. He blinks at them and the other two repeat the gesture. Kibum clears his throat and hesitantly smiles because he can’t be rude, right? Even if he heard his name, right or wrong. He turns back his attention to the fruits and decides that the green apples are better and puts it in his basket returning the red ones back to their place when he feels a light tap on his shoulder. He turns around again and sees the two girls, now standing right behind him, the American one, holds out a pen and paper.
"Oppa, can I-have-autograph-your autograph?” She says in broken Korean, seemingly unsure if she said the right words, because Kibum looks promptly taken aback but he regains composure and takes the pen and paper.
“I didn’t know we-I, still had fans.” He says in English.
The other girl-the Asian one squeals, hand coming up to cover her mouth to muffle it, the American girl seems just as surprised. “You can… speak English?”
Kibum just shrugs, handing back the pen and paper to the girl. “Had lots of practice.”
They both nod in understanding and the Asian girl speaks. “Jonghyun-oppa and you… you still have fans, we support you despite… what happened.”
Kibum blinks, a little too stunned from the comment.
“It shouldn’t matter who the society dictates you to love, oppa, what matters is that you’re happy with the person you love.” The other girl adds.
This time, he smiles genuinely at them, “Thank you.”
>"<
They don’t talk about it but sometimes Jonghyun kisses him and sometimes it’s vice versa. It’s a small gesture and they don’t ever mention it. Along with the times Jonghyun slips into his bed and embraces him from behind and Kibum thinks he fits perfectly in the older man’s arms, the way his back is firmly pressed on the other’s chest and the way Jonghyun’s arms hold him tight. But it’s an unspoken agreement, they don’t talk about it. Because Kibum believes that as long as it’s not spoken out loud-it’s not real, whatever they have, the knowing glances, the secret smiles, the simple kisses.
It’s a shock for the younger male when the news booms with a new idol couple, that Jonghyun is dating an actress. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting it but still, it hurts like fuck. But then, it’s not like they had something special right? It’s not like Jonghyun saw him as more than a friend right? So why did it hurt so much when he found out?
Jonghyun bursts into his bedroom while the younger man is idling on his bed. Jonghyun is breathing hard like he just ran a hundred of miles, hair all mussed up and cheeks red. He takes a couple of seconds to catch his breath and when he does, the first thing he says is: “It’s not real.”
Kibum sits up and moves to the edge of the bed, cocks his head to the side, confusion etched on his face.
“I was going to tell you that there had been plans for a publicity stunt with me dating her… but I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Kibum raises an eyebrow, not really knowing how to react. “It’s okay Jonghyun, I’m your best friend, but that doesn’t entitle me to the right to know every single thing about you, you don’t have to tell me things if you don’t want to.” He resists the urge to snap out his words because hating on the older male would be unfair. He doesn’t even know why he feels this way.
“I wanted to tell you because I didn’t want you getting the wrong idea, Kibum.”
“Jonghyun, why would I even misunderstand?” He tries to feign nonchalance but he’s slowly breaking apart.
Jonghyun sighs, looking very much tired. “Kibum, you know what I’m talking about right? Please tell me you know.” He pleads.
And this is it, Kibum thinks, they’re talking about it, about what they have-about them. It’ll be real, it’ll become real, too real that the next thing Kibum knows is that he’s standing up and furiously rubbing the tears, spilling out of his eyes.
He exhales harshly. “What-what are we?” Kibum finally manages to ask the question that’s been bothering him ever since all of this started.
“I-“ Jonghyun starts, walking forward until he’s in front of the other. He gingerly places his hand on the younger man’s cheek, the latter flinching from the sudden contact.
Jonghyun swallows hard, eyes searching and Kibum knows that he’s not the only one nervous. He slowly leans forward as Kibum’s eyes slowly close and then they kiss. And it’s different-different from the simple kisses they’ve shared in the past because this one, this kiss-this is pure, all raw emotions and pent up frustrations and unspoken words, so much want and so much need. Jonghyun holds him tighter, arms hugging the other’s waist as Kibum tangles with the mass of brown hair the older man has.
When Jonghyun pulls away, forehead resting against the other, harsh breaths, he whispers. “I…I- you know, right?” That I love you.
Kibum nods. “Yeah… me too.” I love you too.
>"<
“I was wondering…” Jonghyun starts.
“No. I don’t want another cat, Jonghyun.” Kibum retorts, because the last one had been nothing but a furball of evil-this is why Kibum had always liked dogs. Jonghyun too, but he said he wanted to try and take care of a cat for a change.
They’re eating at some fancy restaurant that Kibum had initially refused to go to since it was a waste of money that could be going into their savings for that house they want to buy-they’re almost there. But Jonghyun had insisted.
“No-not that.” Jonghyun almost whines and suddenly he’s nervous, eyes refusing to meet the other’s eyes.
Kibum’s eyes narrow, eyeing him suspiciously. “You-did you lose your job? Or do you have a disease I don’t know about? STDs? HIV perhaps? Did you cheat-“
“No. Jesus Kibum, shut up!” Jonghyun cuts him off, rolling his eyes. He’s thankful that they’re talking in Korean because the people around them are giving them funny looks.
“Then what?” Kibum demands.
Jonghyun clears his throat, obviously restless. “Oh fuck it.” He grumbles and pulls something out of his pocket, a small golden ring. Kibum looks at him, eyes wide.
Jonghyun takes a deep breath and speaks. “I was wondering… I actually had a speech prepared but I’m obviously not gonna go with it, so yeah uhm-anyways, I was wondering because you know, we both have citizenship and gay marriage is legalized here-“
“Stop beating around the bush Jonghyun!” Kibum snaps, still on edge.
“Marry me?”
Kibum slumps backward on his chair, relief flooding his features before sitting properly again.
“Of course you idiot, I will.”
>"<
It takes approximately five hours from when Jonghyun loses his laptop on the airport for the photos to be uploaded on the internet, (photos of skin on skin, ranging from innocent to obscene shots) ten minutes after that-the photos went absolutely viral.
Kibum is staring blankly into an empty space, sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the wall of their bedroom. The door is open enough for him to hear the commotion going on outside the living room.
“-so stupid of you!” He hears Minho shout.
“How can you be so fucking careless Jonghyun?!” Taemin spats.
Jonghyun scowls. “You watch your mouth Taemin, I’m still older than you, so you ought to show some respect!”
“You could be my fucking father for all I care!”
Jonghyun stands up from the couch, hands pulling his hair in frustration before letting go. “What do you want me to say?” He raises his voice. “’I’m sorry I fucked up?’ You think I wanted any of this to happen? You think I wanted all my private shit shown to the whole fucking world?!”
“Saying sorry won’t fix anything, will it?!” Taemin retorts.
Jonghyun eventually explodes, grabbing the younger male by the collar and pushing him against the wall. Minho immediately comes forward, trying to pry away the lead singer-apparently his muscles aren’t just for show as he refuses to back down, pinning Taemin to the wall firmly, the latter looking like a deer caught in headlights.
“I do not need this shit from you,” He almost growls and then he lets go of Taemin, turning his attention to Minho. “or from you.” He spats.
They hear someone enter the door and Jinki comes in, face very much tired after a long conversation he had with the manager. “You all need to shut up because I could hear you from outside. They want to talk to us first thing in the morning.” And with that their leader leaves for the kitchen.
Taemin is still glaring menacingly at Jonghyun but Minho drags him to the other bedroom. He sighs heavily and goes to Kibum’s bedroom. He finds him sitting on the floor and after a second’s hesitation, he joins the younger male, shoulders bumping lightly with the other as he sits down.
“We have a meeting tomorrow.” Jonghyun breathes out after a length of silence.
“Yeah… I heard.”
The tension isn’t exactly thick between them; Jonghyun just doesn’t know what to say. He’s sorry, so so so sorry for dragging down everyone with him-but he’s also mad at himself for doing it. His emotions are a big jumble of rage, regret, sadness and lost hope. And he feels so weak with all these emotions hitting him so strong that he doesn’t even have time to even breathe.
He needs shelter, he needs someone to tell him that it’s gonna be okay, he needs someone to tell him that it’s entirely not his fault, he just needs someone. But Kibum isn’t talking to him and he understands, because the one that got the worst blow was Kibum. And he can’t add to the burdens the younger male is carrying right now. No, he can’t do that.
“It’s not your fault.” Kibum eventually says.
And two seconds after that, Jonghyun breaks and he’s crying and pleading and regretting. Because everything is just too much that he can’t handle it-he can’t handle the fact that he was so careless and selfish and stupid.
Kibum holds him tight, lets him cry his heart out, the elder’s fingers clutching at the front of his shirt desperately.
>"<
“I was doing some research…” Jonghyun starts, shivering lightly as Kibum’s fingers card into his dark brown hair. He shifts a little so his head is placed more comfortably on the younger’s lap, legs dangling off the armrest as he lies on the couch. Kibum is reading a book and is mindlessly running his hand through Jonghyun’s soft locks of hair.
After two years of hard work, with Kibum being promoted and permanently on his job since last year, and with Jonghyun doing well with his side job as a composer, they finally bought that better, bigger house Jonghyun had promised.
Kibum hums in acknowledgement.
“…and well… we could adopt.” Jonghyun eventually says. That gets Kibum’s attention, hand stopping its motions, eyes big and questioning as he looks down on Jonghyun. The elder hastily sits up and crosses his legs together on the couch. Kibum keeps looking at him as if he’s just grown another head.
“It’s just an idea… and you always wanted kids and I do too but if-“
Jonghyun lets out an ‘oomph’ when the elder tackles him on the couch. “You. Are. An. Amazing. Person. You know that?” Kibum punctuates every word as he nuzzles further into Jonghyun’s warmth.
“So is that a yes?” Jonghyun asks, grinning as the younger one lets him go.
Kibum nods, a big grin plastered on his face. “It’s not a no.”
>"<
"No! Fuck you... all of you!" Minho shouts before standing up to leave the room.
He leaves because he's upset. He leaves the meeting because even though he still wants to strangle his hyungs for being stupid, he can't bring himself to accept the conclusion of their fate.
Jonghyun and Kibum's contracts are automatically terminated for causing havoc because of their scandal, tainting the image of the group and the company as well. The contracts of the other three will remain intact as they were not ever involved with the other two's relationship. Unofficially, they disband. And Minho finds all of these to be absurd because he believes that love is deserved by everyone. It's all unfair.
He feels a sturdy grip on his shoulder. "Minho, it's okay you know? It's okay." Kibum murmurs quietly, having followed the rapper out.
Minho sighs and tears fall from his eyes, he rarely lets himself cry in front of anyone but this was too much. "I still hate you both-for being stupid. But-but it's not fair. It's not like you suddenly changed..."
Kibum gives him a small smile."You're right, but it's not going to change what the majority of people think of us... It's the best option okay? Now go back to the room and apologize because Jonghyun is already saving your ass in there."
Minho finally looks up to Kibum’s eyes. "Kibum... you at least deserve something better, I mean, being what you are doesn’t make anyone less of a person right? Besides, what does your relationship with Jonghyun-hyung got to do with your career?"
"The last thing I want to do is to drag you down lower than where we are now," Kibum replies, voice soft. "Go back, just please, okay? You'll make me guiltier than I already am if you get kicked out too."
The rapper furiously rubs his eyes and launches himself to Kibum, embracing him so tight. "I'm... sorry Kibum. I'm sorry."
Jonghyun is in the bedroom folding the last of his clothes and packing them carefully in his suitcase when Kibum appears by the doorway, leaning on it while his arms are crossed over his chest. The short silence is broken when the elder decides to speak up, sitting on the edge of the bed, having finished packing his clothes.
"I'm..." He starts awkwardly, clearing his throat. "I'm going to this apartment, a friend got for me... I tried contacting my family and well, they didn't want to see me after... what happened."
Kibum hums in acknowledgement, still not moving from his previous position.
"You?"
"My family's... worried and they just want me home."
"Daegu?"
"Yeah."
Silence overtakes again but this time, it’s different. There’s tension; very, very palpable tension and it’s starting to suffocate them both. Kibum tries to keep himself occupied by dropping his gaze on the hardwood floor as Jonghyun fiddles with the hem of his black shirt.
The younger eventually pushes himself off the door and stands straighter, running a hand through his dark blue hair. "I..." He starts, but his voice dies down. He takes a deep breath then: "It's... It's better if we don't keep in contact."
It takes a moment but Jonghyun looks up then, eyes dull and tired. "Come here." He murmurs quietly and Kibum simply obliges.
Jonghyun’s arms immediately wind their way around Kibum's waist as soon as the latter stops in front of him, resting his head on the hard plane of Kibum's stomach, the latter running his hand through the mass of blondish brown hair of the elder. After a minute or two, Jonghyun shoulders start to shake as he buries his face further on the younger’s stomach- an uncontrollable sob breaking out.
"I'm sorry." He muffles on to the material of Kibum’s shirt as he clutches tighter to him.
"I'm sorry." He keeps repeating.
And Kibum keeps quiet, hot tears burning the back of his eyelids as he closes his eyes because it's not like sorry's gonna bring back anything.
>"<
The biggest dam breaks when Jonghyun loses his job and after three years of their life constantly going up and down; with shouting and breaking things and sleeping on couches and mending broken hearts because of financial problems and the fact that Kibum can't seem to let go of the idea of having a kid.
"It's like you don't even want a child anymore!" Kibum screams, slamming the door of their bedroom.
"What the fuck ‘Bum?!" Jonghyun shouts back, following the younger to the room. "I never said anything about not wanting a child anymore! It's just that- I think we should take a break because we've been spending a lot of money for this adoption thing with no results whatsoever and to top it all off, I just lost my job!"
Kibum keeps his face turned away, his arms embracing himself tightly as he tries to keep the tears at bay and that makes Jonghyun’s anger dissipate a little. There are times that Kibum would look like this, vulnerable and weak-- like he’s about to break, and Jonghyun doesn’t like seeing any of this; especially if it is because of him.
He takes a deep breath. "I'm just- tired and stressed from everything."
Kibum scowls, getting the wrong impression. "Are you... are you trying to tell me that you're tired of us? Do you…” He chokes a bit before speaking again, voice turning into a frail whisper. “do you want us to break up?"
Jonghyun suddenly looks alarmed, panic showing through his features. He catches both of Kibum’s wrists, “What? Baby, no! I didn't say shit about wanting to break up.”
He pulls the younger into an embrace. “I just- need time to think about this, about the adoption, about a new job, about everything okay? I’m sorry I blew up on you.”
Hot tears are burning Kibum’s closed eyelids, he inhales a sharply. He loves Jonghyun-he loves this man too much and they’ve been through a lot, giving up isn’t an option.
So he forgives him. “...Okay.”
>"<
Hours turn into days, and days eventually turn into months.
Kibum usually stays cooped up in his bedroom, he comes out to eat with his parents to show them that he's okay, which is a big fat lie because anyone with a pair of eyes can see that he is most certainly not in good shape. But they don't call him out on it because they know that when Kibum's ready- he'll open up. Kibum tries to maintain a decent disposition, at least when his parents are home, which most of the time they aren’t because of work. And in those times, Kibum's facade breaks, he doesn't actually cry but he loses that smile and loses that spark in his eyes. He watches television sometimes to entertain himself but once he hears music or sees people dancing- he turns it off. He's not ready for that. It hurts too much.
His life turns into a monotone of black and white- but sometimes it gains a little bit of color, of sad blue, of angry red, of happy orange and a dash of purple of longing. Those times, Kibum lets himself miss Jonghyun. Because he needs to keep himself sane and grounded- needs to keep himself at least alive because he can't hurt his family again, so missing the elder seems to be the best way. Kibum misses the twinkle of his eyes, his boisterous laughter, his mischievous smiles, his soft lips against his, the ‘I love you’s.
He misses him sometimes, not all the time; because if he does, his heart might not be able to take it. So sometimes is enough.
>"<
She's beautiful. With striking gray eyes, cherry red lips and wispy brown hair covering her little head.
Jonghyun holds her like shes was the most fragile thing in the world- holds her safe and secure. He settles her down gently on the bed before holding out a finger, the baby grabs it with her small hand and giggles, Jonghyun grins.
Kibum comes in from the kitchen, holding a bottle of warm milk and smiles at the sight of Jonghyun teaching her how to talk.
"Come on. Say daddy." Jonghyun pleads. "Daddy." He drawls and then he spells it out, "D-A-D-D-Y."
Kibum laughs, making his way to the bed and flopping down on the edge. "She can't understand you yet, you know?"
"She understands me just fine." Jonghyun shoots back turning to his daughter. "Isn't that right Maven?" He gushes and the baby spouts a mouthful of nonsense.
Kibum snorts and scoots closer, handing over the baby bottle to Maven.
"You're an amazing mom, you know?" Jonghyun teases as he looks at the younger male supporting the bottle Maven is drinking from.
"Who says I'm the mother? You're obviously more girly than me."
"Hey-" Jonghyun protests. "It's not like I'm the one who bottoms dur-"
"Shhh, language Jjong."
"I'm speaking Korean and she can't even understand what I'm saying." Jonghyun deadpans.
"No I meant you’re spouting nonsense and it's not cute like when Maven does it." Kibum grins as he takes off the bottle from the baby's lips.
"But I love you!" Jonghyun shouts.
"And... I love you too you idiot." Kibum replies, rolling his eyes.
Jonghyun swoops in and pecks Kibum on the lips and Maven giggles looking up at them.
>"<
Six hours ago, Jonghyun was sitting on his couch drowning in his misery, in which his older sister convinces him to visit Kibum and talk about all this shit; Songdam isn't even allowed to visit Jonghyun because their parents don’t want her to but she’s sneaky and she gets away with it. And because Songdam is sneaky as fuck, she has talked to Kibum prior to convincing her brother about meeting up. Just like that, his sister sets up a meeting place and time.
And now Jonghyun is in Daegu, standing in an abandoned park in the middle of the night, his sister promptly dashing off and telling him that Kibum will come any minute and that she will be back in an hour.
Sure enough, after ten minutes of Jonghyun idling at the park, he abruptly stands up because he sees him. Kibum. After so many months, he’s actually standing three feet away from Jonghyun. His hair is still dark blue but black roots are already showing on the crown of his head.
Kibum gives a tentative smile and suddenly Jonghyun feels so nervous and agitated because they're actually here... facing each other and the only thing he wants to do is embrace him and tell him how much he loves this man. But he doesn't; he stays frozen in place, voice not working to form any coherent words. So Kibum starts.
"So... Songdam noona called me, said you wanted to talk."
Jonghyun lets out a cough before eventually regaining composure. "I... yeah."
Jonghyun's mind is running a hundred miles per minute because he is so anxious and happy and hoping and he just feels so complete all of a sudden, the minute he sees Kibum and he wants to exactly tell him that but he doesn't know how to even start. He doesn't even know if he deserves to say those things to him.
Awkward silence reigns over them before Kibum loses patience. "I'm not gonna stand here forever you know? Just talk so we can have closure or whatever."
Jonghyun knows Kibum like an open book so even though he tries to appear with an air of nonchalance, tries to talk offhandedly. He can still see the real Kibum.
"I miss you." Jonghyun blurts out.
Kibum sighs and that’s all it takes before he’s stripped bare in front of the other’s eyes, and suddenly Jonghyun can see the tired eyes, the messy hair and he knows that the younger isn't in the best shape.
"You came all the way here just to say that?"
"Yes, because it's true and I... I’m sorry for chickening out and I-damn, Kibum, I want you back okay?" Jonghyun eventually says and god, did it feel good. He feels lighter getting it out.
Kibum scowls, suddenly angry. "You're telling me that you want me back after what?! Eight fucking months?!"
"I know... I’m sorry but I think we- I think... we both needed space." Jonghyun responds.
Kibum shuts his eyes and when he opens them, they're already glassy with tears. "... I waited for you and I don't know-" He barks off a humourless laugh. "But then I-remembered that we couldn’t be together and I..." He doesn't finish his sentence because by now, he's already a crying mess.
Kibum is mostly rambling and it’s confusing but in a way, because Jonghyun is Jonghyun, he knows how Kibum’s mind works, in that sense alone, he understands.
Jonghyun stares at him, still unmoving. He is cautious about approaching the younger; he doesn’t want to make a wrong move on this.
"You were the one who said you wanted to cut off all contact." He slowly says.
"I know but... I..." Kibum chokes back a sob. "I wanted to be with you." He finally admits. "And I still do and I'm sorry because I was selfish of deciding everything for us but I was just so confused and scared shitless. I... I thought I wasn't important enough for you to fight for so I ended everything before... you could."
Jonghyun smiles a bit before pulling Kibum to him, trapping him to an embrace, tears already brimming from his eyes. "I love you okay?” He starts. “And- and you were right, it was stupid of you to ever think that you were not important enough for me but you are... and I'm sorry for taking this long but you gotta understand that I’m scared too."
Kibum eventually melts into Jonghyun’s embrace, clutching tighter at Jonghyun's moss green jacket. His tears are drying on his cheeks by the time he pulls back. "But how do we... how can we be together?" He asks.
Jonghyun understands; He doesn’t want to be here, where everyone judges them for being true to themselves, where the majority of people do not understand that liking someone is not a matter of choosing, never a matter of choice but a matter of following your heart.
"We start anew, somewhere... somewhere that's not here."
KIbum eyes him carefully, a bit doubtful but it’s there-the spark of hope. "I... do you really want this?" He asks, because he's already so broken from everything. He is so tired of hoping for good things to happen. He can't afford to get hurt again if Jonghyun suddenly realizes that he doesn't really want this.
Jonghyun nods before resting his forehead against the other. "Kibum... when I'm with you, I'm home."
>"<
"Jinki-hyung and Luna-noona say hi by the way." Taemin says, voice a bit scratchy as it filters through the speakers.
Kibum hums in agreement. "Say hi for us too, Taem. How's everyone?" He asks, looking directly at the camera.
Taemin scratches his hair. "They're good! Jinki's doing his fourth musical and Minho's doing well with his new drama!"
"And you?"
"My Japanese single is doing great in Japan!" Taemin announces with glee, showing off said album in front of the camera.
Kibum laughs, voice dying down gradually and then he sort of zones out from their video chat when the maknae excuses himself to change into a pair of jeans.
"We miss you hyung... do you plan on visiting anytime soon?" Taemin asks, voice suddenly serious and hopeful.
He snaps out of his reverie, blinking a bit before shrugging. "Someday Taemin." He promises. Because even though it was a long time ago, the pain is still there- a dull ache that constantly bugs him and reminds him of the shit they had to go through before finally getting where they are now.
There's giggling and soft footsteps and Maven comes walking in, asking to be lifted up by her daddy. "Hey baby, you're up early." He coos, placing her on his lap for Taemin to see.
Taemin bounces on his seat, all smiles and excitement in his eyes.
"Hey Mavy! Do you remember me?!" He asks in English, his accent never failing to amuse Kibum.
Maven giggles. "Uncle Taemin! I miss you!" the toddler says in broken Korean, excited.
Taemin looks promptly take aback. “You're talking in Korean now, wow... Hyung that's cool!"
He gestures to Kibum.
Kibum smiles, seemingly proud of his daughter. "Go bother and wake up Papa now, okay Mave?"
And with that he lets go of Maven, the latter heading for her parents' bedroom.
"Since when did you start teaching her, hyung?"
"Just last month." He brags, face smug.
"She learns fast then..." Taemin says in awe before an alarm sets off somewhere. It’s Taemin’s phone. "Oh! Hyung I gotta go!" He says, jumping up from his seat.
"Thank you for the video call Taemin. Tell everyone we miss them."
"Okay hyung! Say hello to Jonghyun-hyung for me! Bye!" Taemin waves frantically before he shuts down his camera.
As Kibum closes the computer, a wave of wistfulness washes over him and he thinks that maybe somehow, he can finally fully let go, because he has Jonghyun and he has Maven and that’s more than enough.
>"<
Kibum holds on tight to Jonghyun's hand as he feels the familiar steady rumble of the plane, ready to take off, Jonghyun intertwines their fingers together and kisses the back of the younger’s hand.
"It's gonna be alright."
Maneuvering the airport is easier than they thought it would be, with the scandal already having died down over the past year and with shades and scarves to hide their faces, nobody really notices them. Except for when their passports get checked, their faces briefly show. The lady looks at them funnily but other than that... they let it pass without any commotion.
And they're thankful for that.
Kibum smiles at him, still a bit on edge and as the plane finally does take off, wheels folding and all, both of them release a breath they realized they’ve been holding since the scandal first broke out.
>"<
Kibum is checking if their luggage is set, if they’ve packed enough underwear and shirts and if the toothbrushes are in the little pouch. He also checks if Maven has all of her favourite toys packed on a small backpack; this kid could go hysterical if one of her dolls went missing. The last time they went on a trip like this, it had been nothing short of disaster, forgetting almost all of the important stuff. He’s learnt to check everything thrice, just in case.
“Hey, you done?” Kibum looks up at the man standing at the doorway of their bedroom, hair a light chocolate brown and bangs side-swept, covering one if his eyes. On his arm is a toddler playing with the man’s shades hooked on his shirt.
Kibum grins. “Yeah, almost done Jjong.”
“Are Maven’s toys ready?” The older male asks as Kibum zips up the last of the bags. He approaches Kibum and sits down on the edge of the bed, putting the toddler on his lap.
“Yeah.”
The child giggles as Jonghyun starts to bounce her on his lap.
“Faster Papa!” She chortles.
“Come on,” Kibum murmurs, voice soft. He gently picks up the little girl from Jonghyun’s lap; she’s no less than four years old, her hair is long and shaded deep brown and her eyes, akin to the gray of storming gray skies.
"Come on Mave, let’s get you dressed.”
"Where are we going Daddy?" Maven asks in wonder as Kibum picks out a dress for her.
Kibum’s gaze falls on Jonghyun and they both share a private smile. It's a good day and Kibum has never felt this alive in years, finally breathing and living. Jonghyun tucks a lock of hair behind Maven's ear, before he stands up and embraces Kibum from behind.
"Home, Maven." Kibum says, breathless from the overwhelming happiness he's experiencing.
"We're finally going home."