(no subject)
This is full of huge amounts of rambling... didn't realize till I was finished... hah.. so I've divided it because I have nothing better to do... how sad.
Its strange how happy I am for other people nowadays. O_o;
Just like, when people are awarded things, or told their doing such a great job, or anything good happens to them, I get teary eyed.
Well... except when it comes to Avril. I hate her SO much! Damn you Avril! *shakes fist in the air* She brags about how she finally got the freedom to write something different, so why didn't she?? It sounds like the same bullshit on her first album.
Some wannabe country crap. *takes a deep breath* I'll admit, she did look cute in the video. I like that black outfit she was wearing... the tiny shorts was just weird... but I'm sure Jay will like that.
Only song of hers I liked was that "Why" song. She wrote it... so it shows she does have talent... I like it when she sings acoustic.
Hip hop music is taking over, and it sucks. I miss old pop music. I hope Jessica simpson stays true, cause she's all I got now... and I dont even like her songs that much! *cries* What happened to slipknot? marilyn manson? nsync? backstreet boys? the world is being taken over by rhyming words about getting laid.
I SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE!!!!! YES! EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS!!!!!!! Man, if there was a parade for this, I'd so be in it. I SUPPORT PARADES TOO!
Man, being pregnant has changed my body already. My boobs dont fit into ANY of my bras! I'm a whole size bigger! Its only been a month. My ass and hips are bigger too... X_x; I've gained 5 pounds! It sucks. I eat so friggin much now. Its like, I'll eat a whole meal, be stuffed, and then an hour later I'm starved again.
I hate knowing that I'm gaining so much weight and I can't do a thing about it. Its kind of like torture. I'm tempted to run a block, eat less, and well, lose weight... but the doctors say thats not good... bah.
My dad has called me every week since he found out I was pregnant. O_o; Thats rare. He usually calls me once a month or something. Now its like "Are you okay? Are you eating? Do you need money?" constantly! Its kind of nice. I just wish he had been like that for my sister, and sister-in-law. He always tends to baby me more than everyone else... well, maybe cause I am the baby in the family... but still. They needed that too.
I kind of understand him with my sister though. They gave a lot to my sister, and she talked shit behind their back... but my brother and Misty? Man, they never asked him for anything. Plus, my brother SO wants to bond with my dad. Its upsetting to know that my brother and sister aren't getting the same pampering as me. Yeah, their over 10 years older than me, but they still need that. They should always recieve that kind of love from their parents.
Hell, although my mom was a bitch to me in High school (I mean BITCH, she was pretty mentally abusing) she still gave me a lot of love. My mom never lacked in caring, and for that, I'm thankful. I like my mom a lot more now. I think Lucas is the reason we're not closer. He would always bitch to her about me, and then she'd bitch to me about him bitching at her.
Psh, he aint my dad. He doesn't tell me shit. I have no respect for a mean alcoholic like him.
I think about Jay and I wonder if he will later turn out like Lucas. Jay is definitely an alcoholic, and I doubt that will ever change. He isn't mean though. Hell, he's actually more laid back when he's drunk. He tells me a lot of mushy shit when he's drunk. Heh. Lately he's more and more open.
I dunno, I think about the cheating thing, and when I do, I hate him. But then I think about before the cheating, and then now, and I can see a big positive difference. Then again, there seemed to be a difference when we broke up, and then got back together... only for him to say she's "pregnant" a week later. Its weird, its like, him cheating is what it took for him to realize he loved me.
I ask him now "Why did you cheat?" and he still answers with a "I dont know... I guess cause it was something different." which I understand. I do get tired of the same shit everyday... but I know better than to cheat.
It upsets me so much, that I want to break up with him. We talked about this, and he convinced me to stay... but I dunno. I really do love him, but whats a relationship without trust? I try. I try so hard to put this behind me, but its just like Jerry and me all over again.
Jerry cheated, we broke up, and got back together. Then, I couldn't handle not trusting him, and we broke up again, and he always convinced me to get back with him. Then he proposed, I said yes... and it wasn't long after that that I ended it for good. I just couldn't take it. Altough he was pretty honest with me. He told me he cheated... all five times. I was just stupid for taking him back. I feel like I'm making that mistake again.
It makes me wanna forget this being OUR baby. Makes me wanna forget our plans, our dreams, and just go. Just go back to my mom's house... sell my computer, fix my car, get a job, go to college, and never look back. Raise this child alone if I have to.
He asks me if theirs anything he can do, and there isn't. He has no control over my thoughts and feelings... unless he can somehow turn back time and make it never happen again, it will always be there. Its not even the fact that he cheated!!! Its more the lies.
The lies haunt me. He told lie after lie, and didn't stop till he got called on it. The way he made me feel so stupid about the whole thing. Gah, I can't take it. It hurts just as much as when everything was happening. He says it'll probably just take more time to get over it, but I dont know.
Its constantly lingering in the back of my mind. No matter how much I talk about it, it never gets better. I just wish I could make it all go away.
.....his birthday is tomorrow. I have nothing to give him. Eh, I'm the worst girlfriend ever.
Ya know, thinking about the sentence I wrote about being happy for people... now that I think about it, I think I cry because thats what I want.
I want to be happy. Sometimes I think I am. I'm gonna have a baby! What I always wanted.... yet, I thought I would be happier.
This is not something I talk about often, but... lately, its been really upsetting to know that I can't cut myself. I didn't do it often, only when things were too much for me to handle, and I really need it now. I long for it... but I dont want any doctor labeling me as an unfit mother because I need to release myself through cutting. It tears me apart. I was trying to remember how long it takes to heal... I dont have to see a doctor for another 13 days... but I also dont know if it'll harm the baby in any way. It sucks, it really does.
I can't cut, I can't smoke, I can't drink... now I just have to DEAL with my pain, and its so hard. Sometimes I feel this is a wake-up call... help me get on the right track, but damn. Its harder than I thought. Its like "Hey, I'm smoking tonight, wanna hang?" and I'm like 'Of course!!! wait... i'm pregnant.' "No, I can't..."
I want a healthy baby. I would never be able to live with myself knowing that something I did would effect my baby forever.
I need to stop being so serious!!!!! Ahhhh, I'm going to go insane. At least I have my friends. =) I know they'll always be there for me in the end. No matter what happens, I can turn to them.
Man, I've known my Marion Oaks friends forever. O_o;
Nani - 9 years
Jenny - 10 years
Millie - 6 years
Shanelle - 9 years
Jay, of course. ^_^ Known OF him for hmm... 4 years? Was friends with him for a year before we started dating... or something like that, I dunno, I get the years mixed up.
Then there's my Juju! He doesn't live in Marion Oaks, but I loves him. Greatest guy ever! We had a GREAT bf/gf thing... I fucked it up. @_@; I'm just glad I never lost him as a friend.
Jose! Aww, I owe him props. He kept giving me hugs when I was sad. Man, when he turns 18, I'm calling him up. Heh... jk... *cough*
Why the hell am I doing shoutouts?
Man, this is a weird journal entry. I'm gonna stop before I start spilling anything else... I'm just very emotional right now. ><
WHAT IS THIS?? GALE HAROLD HAS A GIRLFRIEND? MY BRIAN KINNEY IS TAKEN!?!?!?!
HE SHOULD BE WITH ME OR SOME REALLY HOTT GUY! NOT THIS... THIS... WOMAN!
this has made me day that much sadder. arg
Its strange how happy I am for other people nowadays. O_o;
Just like, when people are awarded things, or told their doing such a great job, or anything good happens to them, I get teary eyed.
Well... except when it comes to Avril. I hate her SO much! Damn you Avril! *shakes fist in the air* She brags about how she finally got the freedom to write something different, so why didn't she?? It sounds like the same bullshit on her first album.
Some wannabe country crap. *takes a deep breath* I'll admit, she did look cute in the video. I like that black outfit she was wearing... the tiny shorts was just weird... but I'm sure Jay will like that.
Only song of hers I liked was that "Why" song. She wrote it... so it shows she does have talent... I like it when she sings acoustic.
Hip hop music is taking over, and it sucks. I miss old pop music. I hope Jessica simpson stays true, cause she's all I got now... and I dont even like her songs that much! *cries* What happened to slipknot? marilyn manson? nsync? backstreet boys? the world is being taken over by rhyming words about getting laid.
I SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE!!!!! YES! EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS!!!!!!! Man, if there was a parade for this, I'd so be in it. I SUPPORT PARADES TOO!
Man, being pregnant has changed my body already. My boobs dont fit into ANY of my bras! I'm a whole size bigger! Its only been a month. My ass and hips are bigger too... X_x; I've gained 5 pounds! It sucks. I eat so friggin much now. Its like, I'll eat a whole meal, be stuffed, and then an hour later I'm starved again.
I hate knowing that I'm gaining so much weight and I can't do a thing about it. Its kind of like torture. I'm tempted to run a block, eat less, and well, lose weight... but the doctors say thats not good... bah.
My dad has called me every week since he found out I was pregnant. O_o; Thats rare. He usually calls me once a month or something. Now its like "Are you okay? Are you eating? Do you need money?" constantly! Its kind of nice. I just wish he had been like that for my sister, and sister-in-law. He always tends to baby me more than everyone else... well, maybe cause I am the baby in the family... but still. They needed that too.
I kind of understand him with my sister though. They gave a lot to my sister, and she talked shit behind their back... but my brother and Misty? Man, they never asked him for anything. Plus, my brother SO wants to bond with my dad. Its upsetting to know that my brother and sister aren't getting the same pampering as me. Yeah, their over 10 years older than me, but they still need that. They should always recieve that kind of love from their parents.
Hell, although my mom was a bitch to me in High school (I mean BITCH, she was pretty mentally abusing) she still gave me a lot of love. My mom never lacked in caring, and for that, I'm thankful. I like my mom a lot more now. I think Lucas is the reason we're not closer. He would always bitch to her about me, and then she'd bitch to me about him bitching at her.
Psh, he aint my dad. He doesn't tell me shit. I have no respect for a mean alcoholic like him.
I think about Jay and I wonder if he will later turn out like Lucas. Jay is definitely an alcoholic, and I doubt that will ever change. He isn't mean though. Hell, he's actually more laid back when he's drunk. He tells me a lot of mushy shit when he's drunk. Heh. Lately he's more and more open.
I dunno, I think about the cheating thing, and when I do, I hate him. But then I think about before the cheating, and then now, and I can see a big positive difference. Then again, there seemed to be a difference when we broke up, and then got back together... only for him to say she's "pregnant" a week later. Its weird, its like, him cheating is what it took for him to realize he loved me.
I ask him now "Why did you cheat?" and he still answers with a "I dont know... I guess cause it was something different." which I understand. I do get tired of the same shit everyday... but I know better than to cheat.
It upsets me so much, that I want to break up with him. We talked about this, and he convinced me to stay... but I dunno. I really do love him, but whats a relationship without trust? I try. I try so hard to put this behind me, but its just like Jerry and me all over again.
Jerry cheated, we broke up, and got back together. Then, I couldn't handle not trusting him, and we broke up again, and he always convinced me to get back with him. Then he proposed, I said yes... and it wasn't long after that that I ended it for good. I just couldn't take it. Altough he was pretty honest with me. He told me he cheated... all five times. I was just stupid for taking him back. I feel like I'm making that mistake again.
It makes me wanna forget this being OUR baby. Makes me wanna forget our plans, our dreams, and just go. Just go back to my mom's house... sell my computer, fix my car, get a job, go to college, and never look back. Raise this child alone if I have to.
He asks me if theirs anything he can do, and there isn't. He has no control over my thoughts and feelings... unless he can somehow turn back time and make it never happen again, it will always be there. Its not even the fact that he cheated!!! Its more the lies.
The lies haunt me. He told lie after lie, and didn't stop till he got called on it. The way he made me feel so stupid about the whole thing. Gah, I can't take it. It hurts just as much as when everything was happening. He says it'll probably just take more time to get over it, but I dont know.
Its constantly lingering in the back of my mind. No matter how much I talk about it, it never gets better. I just wish I could make it all go away.
.....his birthday is tomorrow. I have nothing to give him. Eh, I'm the worst girlfriend ever.
Ya know, thinking about the sentence I wrote about being happy for people... now that I think about it, I think I cry because thats what I want.
I want to be happy. Sometimes I think I am. I'm gonna have a baby! What I always wanted.... yet, I thought I would be happier.
This is not something I talk about often, but... lately, its been really upsetting to know that I can't cut myself. I didn't do it often, only when things were too much for me to handle, and I really need it now. I long for it... but I dont want any doctor labeling me as an unfit mother because I need to release myself through cutting. It tears me apart. I was trying to remember how long it takes to heal... I dont have to see a doctor for another 13 days... but I also dont know if it'll harm the baby in any way. It sucks, it really does.
I can't cut, I can't smoke, I can't drink... now I just have to DEAL with my pain, and its so hard. Sometimes I feel this is a wake-up call... help me get on the right track, but damn. Its harder than I thought. Its like "Hey, I'm smoking tonight, wanna hang?" and I'm like 'Of course!!! wait... i'm pregnant.' "No, I can't..."
I want a healthy baby. I would never be able to live with myself knowing that something I did would effect my baby forever.
I need to stop being so serious!!!!! Ahhhh, I'm going to go insane. At least I have my friends. =) I know they'll always be there for me in the end. No matter what happens, I can turn to them.
Man, I've known my Marion Oaks friends forever. O_o;
Nani - 9 years
Jenny - 10 years
Millie - 6 years
Shanelle - 9 years
Jay, of course. ^_^ Known OF him for hmm... 4 years? Was friends with him for a year before we started dating... or something like that, I dunno, I get the years mixed up.
Then there's my Juju! He doesn't live in Marion Oaks, but I loves him. Greatest guy ever! We had a GREAT bf/gf thing... I fucked it up. @_@; I'm just glad I never lost him as a friend.
Jose! Aww, I owe him props. He kept giving me hugs when I was sad. Man, when he turns 18, I'm calling him up. Heh... jk... *cough*
Why the hell am I doing shoutouts?
Man, this is a weird journal entry. I'm gonna stop before I start spilling anything else... I'm just very emotional right now. ><
WHAT IS THIS?? GALE HAROLD HAS A GIRLFRIEND? MY BRIAN KINNEY IS TAKEN!?!?!?!
HE SHOULD BE WITH ME OR SOME REALLY HOTT GUY! NOT THIS... THIS... WOMAN!
this has made me day that much sadder. arg