The day of rambling
* ~ Dream ~ *
I had a weird dream they wouldn't let me into college because I didn't know what my first period was. Then, this lady tried to sneak me in, but got herself fired. So I went home to my mom, and found out she was over feeding my baby, and although it was supposed to be a couple of weeks old, it looked 3 years old. Plus it was talking. Then I told my mom to lock the door, cause when I looked outside there were zombies.
Now, there was more to the dream, but the key thing is the zombies. Shanelle and her mom Sandy both had a dream about Zombies the day before Shanelle had a miscarriage. So, naturally, I'm freaked out. Usually I dont believe in this dream stuff, but these puerto rican people do... and being that I'm slightly puerto rican... I sure am starting to believe. I will flip the fuck out if I have a miscarriage. I'm prone to having shitty things happen to me, and this would just send me to the nut house.
I have not stayed away from weed and alcohol just to have this baby die on my anyways. Hell, other than the ocassional hot fries and pizza, I've been eating pretty damn healthy as well. I haven't lifted too much, other than my niece and nephew. Okay, phew, I'm calming down.
* ~ Jay ~ *
So okay, lately I been kinda shady about my feelings for Jay. Some days, I hate him, some days I dont. I think I've mentioned this before, so to update on how I feel now...
Things are ten times better right now then they have ever been in our relationship. I dont know if its the baby or what, but there's this... connection I feel now. I dont know how to explain it, but there's just something there.
I still feel anger towards him every now and then. There's that whole mixture of betrayal and distrust.
Our relationship, though good, is fragile. If I am in one of those moods and something happens, even the slightest thing, it would end us.
I dont want it to end, but all the feelings are still so fresh. Not enough time has passed, and we are going through so much. I want to forget it all. I want to pretend that all is okay, and just be happy. But I wont allow myself to do that.
Learn from your mistakes, and my mistake then was denial. I saw what was happening, but refused to believe it. If there is a second time, there wont be any forgiving. I dont care if its tomorrow or ten years from now. I will wipe my hands of him and walk away. Even though it would practically KILL me to do so.
I love him so much, that I couldn't bare to see that ugly side of him again. I just hope that if things are going bad in the relationship, he has the decency to just say "Its over."
* ~ My Dad ~ *
Sooo, my dad is coming down soon, and I'm not sure if I'm excited or what. I dont exactly have the ideal lifestyle, and I know I'll hear it. He said that his opinion doesn't matter, but it does. He's my father. Me and my siblings have tried our entire lives to impress this man, but all have failed.
Which surprises me, cause my brother has a good job, a wife, and two great kids. You'd think that'd be the perfect life... but because he's not a "computer operator", he doesn't give it a second thought.
He might say "Oh, I'm proud of Tito..." but it is always followed by a "...but...".
My dad is just one of those people that thinks, if he doesn't like it, it must not be interesting or worth his time.
I remember being SO excited when I was younger about a game. I mean, so completely thrilled to get it, because I thought it would be fun to play with my dad. He took one look at it, made a face, and said "You would like that." and walked away. To him, it was funny, to me, it was devastating.
So yeah, I would say I have father issues. Sometimes, he's a great dad!! Who's fun, and caring... but most of the time, he's a money hungry business man who doesn't have time for silly games.
*grumbles* I just hope he doesn't start saying shit when he's here, because being pregnant makes you prone to crying, and I dont like him to see me cry. T_T
* ~ My Car ~ *
Well... I have no idea when thats getting fixed. Jay said we were going to take it in yesterday, but apparently Donnie said something about a friend who is willing to fix it for cheaper. I'm like, whatever, as long as its fixed, but Jay is such a procrastinator. I bet the guy wont even look at the car for another two weeks. Ugh, c'mon! Fix the car, I need a job, we need to save money, I want to get shit going! The due date is getting closer and closer. I want a job before I get a huge ass belly.
Gah, I WANT A JOB SO BAD! I want to save money, I want to be able to buy maturnity pants and my own food. I want to go out and say "Hmm, I'v always wanted that. I think I'll buy it." CAUSE IT WILL BE MY MONEY.
Plus, I wont be able to work after the baby is born. Who will stay with it? I just dont feel prepared for anything.
Once this baby is out, and financial shit is taken care of, I will be happier, and more laid back. Until then, I'm a stressed out drama queen. So fuck you.
I dont really mean that, but well, my back hurts. =\