FIC: Not Medea [HitsuMatsu] 1/1
Title: Not Medea
Author: Cella [stereotype_vamp]
Fandom:BLEACH
Ship: Hitsugaya/Matsumoto (10th Division taichou/fukutaichou is ♥)
Summary: If there is one thing she is not, it’s a traitor to her own kin. RANGIKU. TOUSHIROU. The wonders of falling in love with your superiors.
Spoilers: Soul Society arc, Arrancar-arc, and speculating.
Dedications: To ran_huo, who knows when to prod me to write, and who dug my whole for this fandom, making it so deep that now I can’t get out. Not sure I want to get out. Which is just as good, because she doesn‘t want to throw me any ropes to climb up.
A/N: Now, then, Seren, I delivered my part of the deal. I want my pretty fics now. I also hope this was everything I had hoped it would be. The story of Medea: here. Enjoy!
|| Not Medea ||
"The world moves for love; it kneels before it in awe". ~ Edward Walker, in The Village
Did you honestly thought I’d leave?
Did you honestly thought I’d follow him just because I had been infatuated?
Did you honestly thought I’d betray my family to him, run away with him, kill my brothers and my sisters for him? Did you honestly compare me with those Greek legends you love reading? Yes, I have read them too, my friend. I know who you thought I’d be. It hurts, it hurts so much, that you honestly thought I’d betray you all for someone I had once loved. Oh, my friend, how little you know me.
I am not Medea.
I am me.
--------------
“…and you will be placed as the 10th Division’s fukutaichou once more.”
I freeze in my place. My Taichou, the old man, my only drinking-buddy so far, has perished in battle. I will miss him, I know that. He proved to be fun, even when he was a lecherous old fart, staring at my boobs with so little subtlety. The guy was always begging for a good kick where-the-sun-doesn't-shine, but my status forbid me from doing so. He was nice, when he wasn’t a perv, and he was interesting, but now that he’s dead,--passed away valiantly in a battle--, I had hoped that maybe…just maybe, I could take his place. But no.
“Matsumoto-san?”
I shake my head lightly, and swallow the lump in my throat. “Under which taichou?” I ask.
“Hitsugaya Toushirou.”
Great. Just great. Not only do I keep being fukutaichou till the end of my freaking un-life, but I get to do it under a eunuch who can’t even spell puberty, let alone have it. Spfsh.
“I understand that you might have complains about this,” Yamamoto-sama begins, holding up a hand to silence the words I was about to say. “However, I have great expectations from you, Matsumoto-san, and I think you’ll reach your highest potential, if you work with Hitsugaya-san.”
“I see,” I croak.
“Give it time, child,” the old taichou says, oddly comforting, “You’ll grow to like it.”
Um, yeah. I’m sure I’ll just love having that albino dwarf as my taichou, added to the fact that it should have been me up there! Spfsh. Whatever.
“When do I meet him?” I ask.
“Right now,” he answers me, and motions with a hand. The double doors are opened, and a short boy enters.
Okay. Erm. I knew he’d be short, and still young, and I know I’ve settled on hating his guts, but I’m a woman who guides herself on instinct. And right now, my instinct is squealing ‘so cute‘, while running around giggling. I try to subdue that instinct, and bow respectfully. “Hitsugaya-san.”
The kid looks me up and down, his face impassive. “That’s Hitsugaya-taichou,” he says. It’d have been convincing, if his voice hadn’t squeaked on that last syllable.
“Hitsugaya-san,” Yamamoto says, behind me, “This is your fukutaichou, Matsumoto Rangiku.”
There he goes again, with the looking me up and down. Normally when men do this, they tend to get lost somewhere in the vicinity of my chest. But this little guy’s unfazed. I think I heard he owned the most powerful ice zanpakuto? Well, that explains it. Ice must’ve crawled up his ass, as well as everywhere else, rendering him incapable of more emotion than that empty look.
“Nice to meet you,” I say, breaking the ice. Heh, pun. I’m good.
“Likewise,” he answers.
You know, you look at him, and think he’s a down right bastard. But if you look at him, you’ll see what lies beneath: he’s scared. He’s as scared as a scaredy cat. They probably shoved him into this job forcefully once he achieved bankai, poor thing. He probably didn’t even had the time to say a word before they told him ‘taichou’. And now he’s scared, scared that he’ll not rise up to their expectancies. Well, if he’s as scared, as I am angry, I think there’s still some hope to Yamamoto’s dreams.
“Come on, taichou, I’ll show you around.”
We’ll get along. Somewhat.
-------------
“MATSUMOTO!”
I flinch, slapping Gin’s shoulder when he starts snickering.
“Can’t control your taichou, Rangiku-chan?” he drawls, smirk in place.
“Shut it,” I snap. “I just left all my work, unfinished and hidden under the office sofa. I think he found it.” Although what he was doing, looking under the sofa is beyond me.
“Awww, does that mean you gotta run?” Gin asks, fingers running over the column of my neck barely.
“Hmmm,” I sigh, and for a while, it’s like having the old Gin back, the one before Shinigami school. This Gin is different. Colder, harsher, and I shouldn’t complain, since I work with someone who owns an ice sword; but Gin’s coldness is different as well. He’s distant, he’s…fake. I know it, and he knows I know it, yet we still pretend every now and then, that I’m not aware of the changes in him, that I’m still as hopelessly infatuated as when we were young. He loves to pretend that I’m still in love with him, and I love pretending he actually gives a damn when he hugs me like this. But it’s just that. Pretend. And even though I’m weak when it comes to Gin, I’m not that weak. “I should go now,” I whisper, and remove myself from his loose embrace.
“I’ll see ya around,” he says, and leaves. Just like that. Not a kiss, not a beg to linger, not a goodbye embrace. Fake, cold, harsh, different, distant.
“Matsumoto!” comes a growl. “What,” Hitsugaya-taichou begins, “are you doing in the 3rd Division’s taisha, when you should be doing work?”
You know, if I didn’t know him even a little, I’d half venture to say he’s jealous. But he’s not, really. Taichou dislikes, and has always disliked Gin. He bares my attachment to him very little, yes, but that isn’t because he’s jealous. I’d actually think he’s protecting me from something, although from what, I don’t know. Neither does he. But bless his tiny bones, him coming here to fetch me is actually relieving. It means I can remove myself from cold-different-distant-harsh-fake-Gin’s presence without having to give out silly excuses and feeling bad afterwards.
“Taichou,” I smile, covering up my inner philosophies with that almost fake action. “I heard 3rd Division’s taichou had a better sofa, and I came to see,” I say, hooking my arm around his shoulder and subtly guiding him out and away from the 3rd Division’s taisha. “After all, I can’t let my taichou have a sofa that’s less than the best!”
“You just say that because you always sleep on it,” he dryly replies, but lets me guide him back to our offices. I’m grateful, really. A lot of years have passed, though I can’t remember how many, I don’t count them. But we’ve had time, taichou and I, to know each other, and learn to stand each other. And like each other, yes.
“Oh, nonsense, Taichou,” I laugh, “I don’t sleep on it always. Just when I’m avoiding work.”
“Matsumoto,” Hitsugaya-taichou growls, and I laugh again.
Yeah, we do like each other. Respect is hard to learn, but once I learn to respect someone, it never dies. I respect my taichou. I respect and like him, so much that I’d give my life for him. Because, not only is he my taichou, and it is my duty, but because he’s slowly, slowly turning to be my friend. And not even my sadly fading infatuation with Gin can change that.
-------------
I never thought a get-together of all the Taichou and Fukutaichou of the Gotei 13 could be so…enlightening.
Sure, at first it was a bore, people resorting to sipping on their assorted drinks while ignoring everyone else. Then…the bad jokes started, and I added in my two yens. And then, the crème de la crème. Someone poked fun at Kyoraku-san’s infatuation with Nanao-chan, and everyone joined in the game of who-do-you-like. Of course, no one asked me. I don’t know why, everyone seems to think I obviously must like Gin, since I’ve known him since childhood. Their observation skills never cease to annoy me. Gin is in his corner, glowing with pride, probably because he thinks he owns me.
I let my gaze settle on Gin, for a little while, and wonder, half-drunk and twice as wise, what on Earth I ever saw in this guy? He’s nothing like the Gin I met as a kid. And love? Love him? I don’t know…it used to be so strong, before. Like this flame that consumed me, and threatened to burn me away and leave me in ashes similar to Haineko’s ashes. But he became Taichou, he changed, and the love subdued. I can’t say I don’t love him anymore. Of course I do. It’s just that, what I love about him, is what he was. It’s the part of Gin that actually left a mark on my soul. This fake Gin that I know no more, this Gin I cannot love. I cannot do anything but feel threatened by him.
My gaze shifts unconsciously, landing on another familiar white head. My little Taichou is still young, but those changes in his voice show that he’s beginning to go through puberty. In my inebriated state, I envision him as a man, and am baffled by my imagination. Accentuated jaw, unmarred by unwanted hair, still pale, and so very soft looking. That spot where the jaw forms an angle, so very, very lickable. Ever muscle on his body, defined. No more traces of his still present baby-fat. His face is a mix of angles and lights. Straight nose, higher cheekbones, full lower lip--so soft and inviting--, and eyes. Eyes so blue, and old and wise. Eyes that stare at you, drown you in them. Same hair as now, but softer, beckoning you to just drag your hands through it. Pronounced collarbone, and Adam’s apple. Oh.
I snap out of it quickly, not daring to venture into that territory. My taichou is still young, yes. But if he ever grows up to be like the man in my imagination…I hope I’ll be around to see it.
-------------
Everything is happening so fast.
Aizen-san’s death. Hinamori-chan confronting my taichou. Gin’s implication. Oh, Kami-sama, I am lost, lost in this. But thankfully, I have my own guiding star, and I’d follow him against everything.
Every ounce of love I had left for Gin has faded away. Left me with a scarred heart and a desire to drink sake until I drown in it. But there’s no time for that. I follow Hitsugaya-taichou everywhere, ever since Hinamori raised her sword on him. I know he wouldn’t have defended himself, silly sweet-childe. You do not hurt the one you love. It’s a pity Gin didn’t get that memo. But maybe he didn’t love me anyway.
I stand by taichou’s side, and help him with everything he needs, help him find answers to his suspicions. The path takes us to every corner of the Sereitei, and up to the Seijou-tou Kyorin. I fight against Izuru-san, against the fukutaichou of my past love. I win for myself, and I win for my taichou. And then, the path takes me to his side.
I find him bloodied on the ground, Unohana tending to him. I want to cry, I want to hit something, I want to crawl up and die at the injustice of it all. I see Hinamori there, and my heart breaks. I hear Isane bringing us all the news, and my heart doesn’t break. It’s erased. Gin’s erased everything now. The scars, the smallest flicker of love, everything. My taichou’s bloodied on the ground, and the man I used to love has betrayed us all.
I do not tremble when I catch Gin's wrist later, and press my sword against his neck. I expect him to fight, and am surprised he doesn’t. But I can’t bring myself to give a damn about his motives, not when all I want is to cut him badly for everything he’s done to us. To me. To Hitsugaya. That’s why I don’t follow him, that’s why I jump away, that’s why I stay here. Because I am a loyal being, unlike Gin. And as of now, all my loyalty lies on one man. Hitsugaya Toushirou.
-------------
Of course it hurts. It’s meant to hurt. It’s karma’s way of kicking you in the heart and adding salt to the open wound.
Of course I drink. It’s what I always do to surpass the pain. I invite Kira-san, because he’s not responsible for the actions of a jerk. I invite my taichou, because I want to see him drink, I want to have him beside me, I want his hand to press on my back as he tells me to stop being stupid and just get over it. If he did that, I’d obey in one heartbeat. But he leaves, probably to see Hinamori, and I squash that green envy monster down before it can speak, choosing to continue getting drunk with the few people left.
-------------
It’s funny that on the first night in the human world, we get attacked.
It’s also funny that I almost die--again--, for waiting for the limits to be lifted. It’s also very funny, how after we’ve beaten and killed our Arrancar,--and after I’ve desperately yelled for Orihime to come heal Hitsugaya--, I find myself unable to sleep. I’m so tired, but I’m restless at the same time. My feet guide me to the rooftop, and I find him there, looking up at the stars, as usual.
“Hi,” I whisper, sitting down next to him.
“Hi,” he says back, switching from looking at the stars to looking at me. “That was a risky thing today.”
“I know, but we beat them, ne?”
“They weren’t that strong. The others are probably ten times stronger. I think we’re screwed, pretty much,” he admits. It’s weird hearing him say ‘screwed’ like that.
“We’ll have to train, then,” I say, smiling at him.
“Hnn.” He looks at me,--his eyes bring back the memory of a grown up Hitsugaya--, pondering about what he could do. “I bet you wish you’d have gone with him.”
That hurt. That pierced my soul and hurt like a goddamn icy arrow. My hand itches, and moves before I can stop it.
Afterwards, I look as shocked as he is, holding my hand to my chest, while he holds a hand to the cheek I just slapped.
“What was that for?” he shouts.
“For being a goddamn idiot!” I shout back.
There is silence. Unwelcomed silence I’d rather replace with shouts and screams and any sort of noise. But I’m the one to break the silence again. “Taichou reads too many Greek tragedies.”
“Wha-?”
“Don’t,” I grit out, poking him in the chest, somewhere above his solar plexus, “turn me into your very own Medea, Taichou.”
“But--”
“I am Matsumoto Rangiku, 10th Division fukutaichou, and there is only one person I will always be loyal to. He’s standing in front of me right now.”
His eyes widen, and he probably realises how much he just hurt me back then. Well good, feel guilty, you bastard. I’ll probably end up drowning in sake because of you tonight. Spfsh.
“I’m sorry,” he says, looking at me. “I’m sorry I even thought that you would’ve--”
“Forget about it,” I cut in. Then I scratch my neck, and lean back to lie on the rooftop. “Just forget about it.”
----------
Not long after that, I realise what I’ve gotten myself into.
I’m falling in love with my taichou. That is…if I haven’t fallen deep in love with him yet. I stand by his side as we re-tell everything to Yamamoto-sama; I stand proud to be at his side. To at least be there, even if he won’t ever know what I’m starting to feel for him. To at least have him as my friend, my constant, my taichou, my everything and nothing at the same time.
I leave to tell everyone about the news, but he lingers, because someone wants to speak to him. I wait outside the apartment, curious but also knowing who it is.
“You,” I hear him say, “Hinamori.”
Ah. It’s been confirmed now. The waver in his voice when he says her name seals my fate. There’s no chance. I glare at the floor for existing, and leave the apartment behind; and with it, Hitsugaya’s reunion with Hinamori-san.
Later, when I’m returning from Ikkaku’s new place, I find him walking in my direction, gaze on the ground. He lifts his head up in time to see me, and walks towards me at a determined pace. He grabs my wrist, the hold is strong, and it hurts.
“I’ve found my Medea,” he says, hoarsely, and there’s betrayal all over his face. “And it isn’t you.”
I remain frozen in the middle of the street, looking at him with wide eyes. Until he diverts his gaze, and I catch a tear in the corner of his eye. “Taichou,” I say, and against all prognostics, he hugs me tight. I hold him until he’s calmed down, because I know that during these moment, all you need is to be held.
“We probably won’t survive come December,” he says a while after.
“Tch. We’ll just have to keep on training, I guess.”
We do just that.
-------------
But oh, we weren’t ready. We so weren’t ready, on so many aspects. One month we were given, not four like we expected. One month was not enough.
Of course we managed to beat those few Arrancar/Espada who came through the gate. We’re the good guys, we always manage. In the end, everyone fought, even Hime-chan, even Sado-san, everyone. The Soul Society sent reinforcements in the nick of time, and we beat them. It didn’t change the fact that we weren’t ready yet, and there were more to come, but we could take it.
Still, I couldn’t help but cry as I watched Orihime heal my taichou. My throat was still sore from how I had screamed after him, and visions of him falling still plagued my eyelids every time I closed them. Orihime did a great job, as always, and I was standing by his bedside in no time. Still crying, because he hadn’t woken up yet. When I’m under stress, I babble. I say everything that goes through my mind. This was no exception.
“Toushirou, please wake up,” I whisper, holding my head in my hands. “Kami-sama, you can’t leave me. Not now, when I’ve finally started to love you so much…”
“Matsumoto?”
I snap my head up so fast that a muscle jerks somewhere. Tired, barely opened eyes look at me. “You’re awake,” I sigh, and restrain myself from hugging him.
“You’re alive,” he says, eyes softening with relief. “Good…”
“Course I’m alive, taichou!” I laugh.
“I couldn’t have lived…if you had died…” he whispers.
My eyes tear up, and I focus them on the floor. “Don’t say things like those…”
There’s a shuffle, and a hand lifts my chin up. “Why not? Are you the only one allowed to say that you’re falling in love?”
“Y-you heard that?” I ask, my voice wavering. Then I realise what he said. “Wait, what?”
“That,” he says, leaning in, “was exactly what I asked myself, when I realised it.”
I know it’s cliché, and you’ve probably heard it before, but yes. He kisses me then. And yes, it’s wonderful, and I go to heaven with his lips. Right now, everything that matters is this kiss. This kiss, and the realisation that I love him so much, I’d die for him a thousand times over.
-------------
Later, years later, centuries later, after battles, after defeats and victories, we’re still together, he’s still my taichou. But most importantly, he’s my Toushirou, now. And I love him so much I never want to leave his side.
“Do you think we’ll ever see each other, when we reincarnate?” I ask him one night, when we’re in each other’s arms.
“Of course,” he whispers over my naked shoulder. “I won’t stop until I find you.”
I smile, and hug him tighter. “Am I still a Medea?”
“You never were one, my love,” he answers, just like every time I ask that question, and kisses me.
“I love you.”
“I love you back.”
-------------
“Class, please welcome our new student, Hitsugaya Toushirou,” the teacher announces. “Hitsugaya-san, you can take a seat in the back, next to Matsumoto-san.”
The boy walks down the aisle. He stops next to the girl named Matsumoto. His eyes soften when she lifts her head, brown eyes staring into his blue one. He smiles.
“I told you I’d find you,” he says.
The girl smiles back, just as widely. “It took you long enough.”
“Please sit down!” the teacher orders.
The boy takes a seat, elated and happy for the first time in years. A warm hand clasps his under the table.
“Welcome back, Toushirou.”
-------------
“I won’t stop until I find you.”
He doesn’t break that promise.
::END::
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::history loves repeating herself::
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Author: Cella [stereotype_vamp]
Fandom:BLEACH
Ship: Hitsugaya/Matsumoto (10th Division taichou/fukutaichou is ♥)
Summary: If there is one thing she is not, it’s a traitor to her own kin. RANGIKU. TOUSHIROU. The wonders of falling in love with your superiors.
Spoilers: Soul Society arc, Arrancar-arc, and speculating.
Dedications: To ran_huo, who knows when to prod me to write, and who dug my whole for this fandom, making it so deep that now I can’t get out. Not sure I want to get out. Which is just as good, because she doesn‘t want to throw me any ropes to climb up.
A/N: Now, then, Seren, I delivered my part of the deal. I want my pretty fics now. I also hope this was everything I had hoped it would be. The story of Medea: here. Enjoy!
|| Not Medea ||
"The world moves for love; it kneels before it in awe". ~ Edward Walker, in The Village
Did you honestly thought I’d leave?
Did you honestly thought I’d follow him just because I had been infatuated?
Did you honestly thought I’d betray my family to him, run away with him, kill my brothers and my sisters for him? Did you honestly compare me with those Greek legends you love reading? Yes, I have read them too, my friend. I know who you thought I’d be. It hurts, it hurts so much, that you honestly thought I’d betray you all for someone I had once loved. Oh, my friend, how little you know me.
I am not Medea.
I am me.
--------------
“…and you will be placed as the 10th Division’s fukutaichou once more.”
I freeze in my place. My Taichou, the old man, my only drinking-buddy so far, has perished in battle. I will miss him, I know that. He proved to be fun, even when he was a lecherous old fart, staring at my boobs with so little subtlety. The guy was always begging for a good kick where-the-sun-doesn't-shine, but my status forbid me from doing so. He was nice, when he wasn’t a perv, and he was interesting, but now that he’s dead,--passed away valiantly in a battle--, I had hoped that maybe…just maybe, I could take his place. But no.
“Matsumoto-san?”
I shake my head lightly, and swallow the lump in my throat. “Under which taichou?” I ask.
“Hitsugaya Toushirou.”
Great. Just great. Not only do I keep being fukutaichou till the end of my freaking un-life, but I get to do it under a eunuch who can’t even spell puberty, let alone have it. Spfsh.
“I understand that you might have complains about this,” Yamamoto-sama begins, holding up a hand to silence the words I was about to say. “However, I have great expectations from you, Matsumoto-san, and I think you’ll reach your highest potential, if you work with Hitsugaya-san.”
“I see,” I croak.
“Give it time, child,” the old taichou says, oddly comforting, “You’ll grow to like it.”
Um, yeah. I’m sure I’ll just love having that albino dwarf as my taichou, added to the fact that it should have been me up there! Spfsh. Whatever.
“When do I meet him?” I ask.
“Right now,” he answers me, and motions with a hand. The double doors are opened, and a short boy enters.
Okay. Erm. I knew he’d be short, and still young, and I know I’ve settled on hating his guts, but I’m a woman who guides herself on instinct. And right now, my instinct is squealing ‘so cute‘, while running around giggling. I try to subdue that instinct, and bow respectfully. “Hitsugaya-san.”
The kid looks me up and down, his face impassive. “That’s Hitsugaya-taichou,” he says. It’d have been convincing, if his voice hadn’t squeaked on that last syllable.
“Hitsugaya-san,” Yamamoto says, behind me, “This is your fukutaichou, Matsumoto Rangiku.”
There he goes again, with the looking me up and down. Normally when men do this, they tend to get lost somewhere in the vicinity of my chest. But this little guy’s unfazed. I think I heard he owned the most powerful ice zanpakuto? Well, that explains it. Ice must’ve crawled up his ass, as well as everywhere else, rendering him incapable of more emotion than that empty look.
“Nice to meet you,” I say, breaking the ice. Heh, pun. I’m good.
“Likewise,” he answers.
You know, you look at him, and think he’s a down right bastard. But if you look at him, you’ll see what lies beneath: he’s scared. He’s as scared as a scaredy cat. They probably shoved him into this job forcefully once he achieved bankai, poor thing. He probably didn’t even had the time to say a word before they told him ‘taichou’. And now he’s scared, scared that he’ll not rise up to their expectancies. Well, if he’s as scared, as I am angry, I think there’s still some hope to Yamamoto’s dreams.
“Come on, taichou, I’ll show you around.”
We’ll get along. Somewhat.
-------------
“MATSUMOTO!”
I flinch, slapping Gin’s shoulder when he starts snickering.
“Can’t control your taichou, Rangiku-chan?” he drawls, smirk in place.
“Shut it,” I snap. “I just left all my work, unfinished and hidden under the office sofa. I think he found it.” Although what he was doing, looking under the sofa is beyond me.
“Awww, does that mean you gotta run?” Gin asks, fingers running over the column of my neck barely.
“Hmmm,” I sigh, and for a while, it’s like having the old Gin back, the one before Shinigami school. This Gin is different. Colder, harsher, and I shouldn’t complain, since I work with someone who owns an ice sword; but Gin’s coldness is different as well. He’s distant, he’s…fake. I know it, and he knows I know it, yet we still pretend every now and then, that I’m not aware of the changes in him, that I’m still as hopelessly infatuated as when we were young. He loves to pretend that I’m still in love with him, and I love pretending he actually gives a damn when he hugs me like this. But it’s just that. Pretend. And even though I’m weak when it comes to Gin, I’m not that weak. “I should go now,” I whisper, and remove myself from his loose embrace.
“I’ll see ya around,” he says, and leaves. Just like that. Not a kiss, not a beg to linger, not a goodbye embrace. Fake, cold, harsh, different, distant.
“Matsumoto!” comes a growl. “What,” Hitsugaya-taichou begins, “are you doing in the 3rd Division’s taisha, when you should be doing work?”
You know, if I didn’t know him even a little, I’d half venture to say he’s jealous. But he’s not, really. Taichou dislikes, and has always disliked Gin. He bares my attachment to him very little, yes, but that isn’t because he’s jealous. I’d actually think he’s protecting me from something, although from what, I don’t know. Neither does he. But bless his tiny bones, him coming here to fetch me is actually relieving. It means I can remove myself from cold-different-distant-harsh-fake-Gin’s presence without having to give out silly excuses and feeling bad afterwards.
“Taichou,” I smile, covering up my inner philosophies with that almost fake action. “I heard 3rd Division’s taichou had a better sofa, and I came to see,” I say, hooking my arm around his shoulder and subtly guiding him out and away from the 3rd Division’s taisha. “After all, I can’t let my taichou have a sofa that’s less than the best!”
“You just say that because you always sleep on it,” he dryly replies, but lets me guide him back to our offices. I’m grateful, really. A lot of years have passed, though I can’t remember how many, I don’t count them. But we’ve had time, taichou and I, to know each other, and learn to stand each other. And like each other, yes.
“Oh, nonsense, Taichou,” I laugh, “I don’t sleep on it always. Just when I’m avoiding work.”
“Matsumoto,” Hitsugaya-taichou growls, and I laugh again.
Yeah, we do like each other. Respect is hard to learn, but once I learn to respect someone, it never dies. I respect my taichou. I respect and like him, so much that I’d give my life for him. Because, not only is he my taichou, and it is my duty, but because he’s slowly, slowly turning to be my friend. And not even my sadly fading infatuation with Gin can change that.
-------------
I never thought a get-together of all the Taichou and Fukutaichou of the Gotei 13 could be so…enlightening.
Sure, at first it was a bore, people resorting to sipping on their assorted drinks while ignoring everyone else. Then…the bad jokes started, and I added in my two yens. And then, the crème de la crème. Someone poked fun at Kyoraku-san’s infatuation with Nanao-chan, and everyone joined in the game of who-do-you-like. Of course, no one asked me. I don’t know why, everyone seems to think I obviously must like Gin, since I’ve known him since childhood. Their observation skills never cease to annoy me. Gin is in his corner, glowing with pride, probably because he thinks he owns me.
I let my gaze settle on Gin, for a little while, and wonder, half-drunk and twice as wise, what on Earth I ever saw in this guy? He’s nothing like the Gin I met as a kid. And love? Love him? I don’t know…it used to be so strong, before. Like this flame that consumed me, and threatened to burn me away and leave me in ashes similar to Haineko’s ashes. But he became Taichou, he changed, and the love subdued. I can’t say I don’t love him anymore. Of course I do. It’s just that, what I love about him, is what he was. It’s the part of Gin that actually left a mark on my soul. This fake Gin that I know no more, this Gin I cannot love. I cannot do anything but feel threatened by him.
My gaze shifts unconsciously, landing on another familiar white head. My little Taichou is still young, but those changes in his voice show that he’s beginning to go through puberty. In my inebriated state, I envision him as a man, and am baffled by my imagination. Accentuated jaw, unmarred by unwanted hair, still pale, and so very soft looking. That spot where the jaw forms an angle, so very, very lickable. Ever muscle on his body, defined. No more traces of his still present baby-fat. His face is a mix of angles and lights. Straight nose, higher cheekbones, full lower lip--so soft and inviting--, and eyes. Eyes so blue, and old and wise. Eyes that stare at you, drown you in them. Same hair as now, but softer, beckoning you to just drag your hands through it. Pronounced collarbone, and Adam’s apple. Oh.
I snap out of it quickly, not daring to venture into that territory. My taichou is still young, yes. But if he ever grows up to be like the man in my imagination…I hope I’ll be around to see it.
-------------
Everything is happening so fast.
Aizen-san’s death. Hinamori-chan confronting my taichou. Gin’s implication. Oh, Kami-sama, I am lost, lost in this. But thankfully, I have my own guiding star, and I’d follow him against everything.
Every ounce of love I had left for Gin has faded away. Left me with a scarred heart and a desire to drink sake until I drown in it. But there’s no time for that. I follow Hitsugaya-taichou everywhere, ever since Hinamori raised her sword on him. I know he wouldn’t have defended himself, silly sweet-childe. You do not hurt the one you love. It’s a pity Gin didn’t get that memo. But maybe he didn’t love me anyway.
I stand by taichou’s side, and help him with everything he needs, help him find answers to his suspicions. The path takes us to every corner of the Sereitei, and up to the Seijou-tou Kyorin. I fight against Izuru-san, against the fukutaichou of my past love. I win for myself, and I win for my taichou. And then, the path takes me to his side.
I find him bloodied on the ground, Unohana tending to him. I want to cry, I want to hit something, I want to crawl up and die at the injustice of it all. I see Hinamori there, and my heart breaks. I hear Isane bringing us all the news, and my heart doesn’t break. It’s erased. Gin’s erased everything now. The scars, the smallest flicker of love, everything. My taichou’s bloodied on the ground, and the man I used to love has betrayed us all.
I do not tremble when I catch Gin's wrist later, and press my sword against his neck. I expect him to fight, and am surprised he doesn’t. But I can’t bring myself to give a damn about his motives, not when all I want is to cut him badly for everything he’s done to us. To me. To Hitsugaya. That’s why I don’t follow him, that’s why I jump away, that’s why I stay here. Because I am a loyal being, unlike Gin. And as of now, all my loyalty lies on one man. Hitsugaya Toushirou.
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Of course it hurts. It’s meant to hurt. It’s karma’s way of kicking you in the heart and adding salt to the open wound.
Of course I drink. It’s what I always do to surpass the pain. I invite Kira-san, because he’s not responsible for the actions of a jerk. I invite my taichou, because I want to see him drink, I want to have him beside me, I want his hand to press on my back as he tells me to stop being stupid and just get over it. If he did that, I’d obey in one heartbeat. But he leaves, probably to see Hinamori, and I squash that green envy monster down before it can speak, choosing to continue getting drunk with the few people left.
-------------
It’s funny that on the first night in the human world, we get attacked.
It’s also funny that I almost die--again--, for waiting for the limits to be lifted. It’s also very funny, how after we’ve beaten and killed our Arrancar,--and after I’ve desperately yelled for Orihime to come heal Hitsugaya--, I find myself unable to sleep. I’m so tired, but I’m restless at the same time. My feet guide me to the rooftop, and I find him there, looking up at the stars, as usual.
“Hi,” I whisper, sitting down next to him.
“Hi,” he says back, switching from looking at the stars to looking at me. “That was a risky thing today.”
“I know, but we beat them, ne?”
“They weren’t that strong. The others are probably ten times stronger. I think we’re screwed, pretty much,” he admits. It’s weird hearing him say ‘screwed’ like that.
“We’ll have to train, then,” I say, smiling at him.
“Hnn.” He looks at me,--his eyes bring back the memory of a grown up Hitsugaya--, pondering about what he could do. “I bet you wish you’d have gone with him.”
That hurt. That pierced my soul and hurt like a goddamn icy arrow. My hand itches, and moves before I can stop it.
Afterwards, I look as shocked as he is, holding my hand to my chest, while he holds a hand to the cheek I just slapped.
“What was that for?” he shouts.
“For being a goddamn idiot!” I shout back.
There is silence. Unwelcomed silence I’d rather replace with shouts and screams and any sort of noise. But I’m the one to break the silence again. “Taichou reads too many Greek tragedies.”
“Wha-?”
“Don’t,” I grit out, poking him in the chest, somewhere above his solar plexus, “turn me into your very own Medea, Taichou.”
“But--”
“I am Matsumoto Rangiku, 10th Division fukutaichou, and there is only one person I will always be loyal to. He’s standing in front of me right now.”
His eyes widen, and he probably realises how much he just hurt me back then. Well good, feel guilty, you bastard. I’ll probably end up drowning in sake because of you tonight. Spfsh.
“I’m sorry,” he says, looking at me. “I’m sorry I even thought that you would’ve--”
“Forget about it,” I cut in. Then I scratch my neck, and lean back to lie on the rooftop. “Just forget about it.”
----------
Not long after that, I realise what I’ve gotten myself into.
I’m falling in love with my taichou. That is…if I haven’t fallen deep in love with him yet. I stand by his side as we re-tell everything to Yamamoto-sama; I stand proud to be at his side. To at least be there, even if he won’t ever know what I’m starting to feel for him. To at least have him as my friend, my constant, my taichou, my everything and nothing at the same time.
I leave to tell everyone about the news, but he lingers, because someone wants to speak to him. I wait outside the apartment, curious but also knowing who it is.
“You,” I hear him say, “Hinamori.”
Ah. It’s been confirmed now. The waver in his voice when he says her name seals my fate. There’s no chance. I glare at the floor for existing, and leave the apartment behind; and with it, Hitsugaya’s reunion with Hinamori-san.
Later, when I’m returning from Ikkaku’s new place, I find him walking in my direction, gaze on the ground. He lifts his head up in time to see me, and walks towards me at a determined pace. He grabs my wrist, the hold is strong, and it hurts.
“I’ve found my Medea,” he says, hoarsely, and there’s betrayal all over his face. “And it isn’t you.”
I remain frozen in the middle of the street, looking at him with wide eyes. Until he diverts his gaze, and I catch a tear in the corner of his eye. “Taichou,” I say, and against all prognostics, he hugs me tight. I hold him until he’s calmed down, because I know that during these moment, all you need is to be held.
“We probably won’t survive come December,” he says a while after.
“Tch. We’ll just have to keep on training, I guess.”
We do just that.
-------------
But oh, we weren’t ready. We so weren’t ready, on so many aspects. One month we were given, not four like we expected. One month was not enough.
Of course we managed to beat those few Arrancar/Espada who came through the gate. We’re the good guys, we always manage. In the end, everyone fought, even Hime-chan, even Sado-san, everyone. The Soul Society sent reinforcements in the nick of time, and we beat them. It didn’t change the fact that we weren’t ready yet, and there were more to come, but we could take it.
Still, I couldn’t help but cry as I watched Orihime heal my taichou. My throat was still sore from how I had screamed after him, and visions of him falling still plagued my eyelids every time I closed them. Orihime did a great job, as always, and I was standing by his bedside in no time. Still crying, because he hadn’t woken up yet. When I’m under stress, I babble. I say everything that goes through my mind. This was no exception.
“Toushirou, please wake up,” I whisper, holding my head in my hands. “Kami-sama, you can’t leave me. Not now, when I’ve finally started to love you so much…”
“Matsumoto?”
I snap my head up so fast that a muscle jerks somewhere. Tired, barely opened eyes look at me. “You’re awake,” I sigh, and restrain myself from hugging him.
“You’re alive,” he says, eyes softening with relief. “Good…”
“Course I’m alive, taichou!” I laugh.
“I couldn’t have lived…if you had died…” he whispers.
My eyes tear up, and I focus them on the floor. “Don’t say things like those…”
There’s a shuffle, and a hand lifts my chin up. “Why not? Are you the only one allowed to say that you’re falling in love?”
“Y-you heard that?” I ask, my voice wavering. Then I realise what he said. “Wait, what?”
“That,” he says, leaning in, “was exactly what I asked myself, when I realised it.”
I know it’s cliché, and you’ve probably heard it before, but yes. He kisses me then. And yes, it’s wonderful, and I go to heaven with his lips. Right now, everything that matters is this kiss. This kiss, and the realisation that I love him so much, I’d die for him a thousand times over.
-------------
Later, years later, centuries later, after battles, after defeats and victories, we’re still together, he’s still my taichou. But most importantly, he’s my Toushirou, now. And I love him so much I never want to leave his side.
“Do you think we’ll ever see each other, when we reincarnate?” I ask him one night, when we’re in each other’s arms.
“Of course,” he whispers over my naked shoulder. “I won’t stop until I find you.”
I smile, and hug him tighter. “Am I still a Medea?”
“You never were one, my love,” he answers, just like every time I ask that question, and kisses me.
“I love you.”
“I love you back.”
-------------
“Class, please welcome our new student, Hitsugaya Toushirou,” the teacher announces. “Hitsugaya-san, you can take a seat in the back, next to Matsumoto-san.”
The boy walks down the aisle. He stops next to the girl named Matsumoto. His eyes soften when she lifts her head, brown eyes staring into his blue one. He smiles.
“I told you I’d find you,” he says.
The girl smiles back, just as widely. “It took you long enough.”
“Please sit down!” the teacher orders.
The boy takes a seat, elated and happy for the first time in years. A warm hand clasps his under the table.
“Welcome back, Toushirou.”
-------------
“I won’t stop until I find you.”
He doesn’t break that promise.
::END::
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::history loves repeating herself::
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