Letting Go
Kibum was haunted by the same dream every single night. He would be standing in a room; the walls were black and the room was bare. He was never afraid, for there was a voice singing to him. The voice sung a soothing lullaby, and Kibum found himself swaying to the melody every time. There would be a hand (a cold hand) on his neck, and Kibum would turn around only to face the most beautiful person he had ever seen. The boy seemed to be around his age, but the clothes he wore looked like they belonged to a lost time. The boy was singing. His breath would get caught in his throat, and their teeth would clash as their lips were pressed together in an almost-violent struggle for dominance. The singing stopped. The boy’s lips would then move to Kibum’s ear, as if wanting to tell him something.
That was when Kibum would wake up.
In his dreams, the boy’s face would be so vivid, so real; but every time he woke up, he remembered every little detail apart from the mysterious boy’s face. Every crack on the wall, every dent in the ground, Kibum remembered it all. And yet the beautifully enchanting face of the boy escaped him. Kibum took in deep breaths to calm himself down. His heart drummed in his chest. Jonghyun stirred from beside Kibum. The older boy sat up in their bed.
What’s wrong Kibum?
It’s nothing.
A pause.
That dream again?
Kibum nodded; Jonghyun took the boy’s hand.
Why won’t you tell me what you see?
Do you… really want to know?
Jonghyun gave him an incredulous look and nodded.
I saw myself with someone else.
Jonghyun was quiet, but he managed a smile. He tucked Kibum back under the covers and pressed a good night kiss on his forehead.
It’s just a dream.
Oh how much Kibum wished he could believe that. Kibum knew that it was more than a dream, so much more. It doesn’t come as a surprise to Kibum when the next day a boy arrives at their doorstep (he is their new roommate) striking something in Kibum. He finally remembered what the angelic boy’s face looked like, and it was uncanny to the boy standing before him. The boy had tousled dark brown hair, and he introduced himself as Lee Jinki. Kibum’s heart started to beat faster as he smiled and pulled the boy into the apartment.
It was accidental.
Kibum never meant to fall in love with Jinki, really.
Whenever Jonghyun had a late night study session, the two would be left alone at home. They would curl up on the couch and watch television and eat ice-cream while they waited for Jonghyun to return. It happened with something Jinki had said one night.
I dreamt of you before I met you, you know.
And Kibum knew that it was fate that brought them together. He lifted Jinki’s face to kiss him, and it never occurred to him that this was cheating on Jonghyun. Jinki pulled away. He shook his head. Jonghyun, he whispered. Kibum took Jinki’s hand and pulled him out of the apartment. The two of them ran to the park and found a bench to sit on. Let’s pretend we’re strangers, Kibum said. Jinki sighed and introduced himself.
Every night the two of them would return to the bench, and pretend to be strangers who fell in love. When they returned to the apartment, Kibum was once again Jonghyun’s boyfriend and Jinki was no more than a roommate.
They never meant for Jonghyun to find out.
But he did find out one day when he decided to take a walk in the park, only to find his boyfriend kissing his roommate under a tree. He had stormed over, more hurt than angry, and pulled them apart, demanding an explanation from Kibum.
Why Kibum, why?
Jinki was silent.
He… He was the one in my dreams.
Jonghyun’s face showed disbelief, and he would have looked angry had it not been for the tears streaming down his face. Jinki reached for Jonghyun’s shoulder, but the hurt boy jerked away.
Pick Kibum; me or him?
Kibum was quiet for a second. He sighed and looked up to face Jonghyun. And Jonghyun knew that it wasn’t him.
I love you both, really.
Liar.
Kibum woke up the next day to read in the papers about a boy who threw himself off their apartment building. He found Jonghyun’s bed empty.
Kibum and Jinki were up on the roof, and Kibum was holding the necklace Jonghyun gave him for his birthday the previous year. The boy stood on the edge, and Jinki stood just a little further back. Kibum held the necklace over the edge, hand clenched.
It’s okay if you don’t want to, Jinki told him.
Kibum shook his head, and loosened his hold on the necklace. It fell to the street. (Just like Jonghyun did.)
Kibum was letting go.