You
His arm slips onto your waist, and you force your lips onto his, even though you know you shouldn’t. He moans into the kiss and it only drives you to want more, to need more. But then he pulls away, like he always does, and sighs. His mouth opens to say something, but you’re already gone, out the door.
(We shouldn’t, he whispers; he always does.)
You find a secluded corner to cry, trying to ignore the fact that your performance is in less than fifteen minutes. You squat against the wall, arms desperately hiding your face and chest heaving. But the tears don’t come.
Kibum, you hear a voice call.
You don’t look up. You know it’s him anyway.
Jonghyun, I don’t want to talk. Not now, you almost plead.
Jonghyun? The voice repeats, and then chuckles.
You hear shuffles; the person is walking away, whoever it is.
It clicks in your head all of a sudden, you feel a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, and you just about want to throw up. Jinki, you cry, perhaps a little louder than needed.
You look up, into Jinki’s eyes. He’s smiling at you, but you can see right through it. You can see the scars, each and every one left by you. You want to regret, but you don’t.
All of a sudden, you’re pinned in between Jinki and the wall. He kisses you, and you let him. But when he pulls away, your face remains emotionless.
We shouldn’t, you whisper.
You know it hurts him, you know how it feels like, because you’ve been on the receiving end of those words. But yet, it makes you want to hurt him all the more. Because hurting Jinki makes you feel like you aren’t weak. (Because it lets you know someone else feels your pain.)
You know Jinki will learn from his mistakes eventually. And he does, just a week later, finding comfort in Taemin’s embrace. You almost regret your actions, but not really, because you have always known this would happen.
You just never expected it to be so soon.
But then you see him and Jonghyun up against the wall of your practice room, lips locked and hands in each other’s hair. From where you are, you can hear Jonghyun’s soft cries. You feel sickened. Jinki’s eyes meet yours. A smirk tugs at the corner of his lips. In that one moment, every hurtful word you’ve ever uttered to him comes flying back at you. You try not to cry, because you deserve it.
(And maybe, just maybe, because you know he deserves so much better than anything you could ever give him.)