fic: Heartbeat Amplifier
Title: Heartbeat Amplifier
Alternative Title: What We Are And Could Be
Fandom: SHINee
Rating: PG 15
Counter: 3940 words.
Pairing: JongTae (Jonghyun/Taemin)
Summary: Jonghyun likes that he knows that Taemin likes it. Taemin doesn't really need a heartbeat amplifier as long Jonghyun exists.
[Heartbeat Amplifier(click to open)]
A/N: ! "they", "them", "he", "him" are 2 other members of shinee, who apparently do have an relationship jjong and taemin know and have their issues about.
i just let the reader decide which couple he chooses out of the 3 left members, even though i personally also have one in my mind. ;)
it's something really crappy i began writing in spring 2012 and continued from time to time only to finish it now. it's basically about growing up. about discovering yourself and your feelings, about problems and sexuality and everything we've all been through or are still in the middle of.
it takes place somewhere in 2011, during their japanese debut. taemin is 18, jjong is 21. maybe i displayed taemin a bit too unexperienced in these things, but idk idk...
i wonder why it is jongtae again. or rather; i don't, since i'm so obsessed with them lately that i just can't anymore over all this internet war. i just have the feeling that there're quite a few times taemin's heart seems to tumble and if i'm not mistaken i'd say it's all jjong's fault, so that kind of explains the title, or so i hope /cries.
__
Heartbeat Amplifier
or What We Are And Could Be.
written in 2012.
When the loud city almost became soundless in the districts, moonlight brightening the streets, while a flickering streetlamp moths confused, Jonghyun’s eyes opened, his legs slipped out under the blanket meeting the cold floor in an unspoken retirement. He found his way to the door, opened it without any sound, exactly knowing where to pull and push. It wasn’t hard to find their room; he could hear their panting from inches away already.
Surprisingly he wasn’t alone when he reached it. The scape of another person leaning against the cold wood which hid the view of those two loving each other, every night, the same hour, the same way. It didn’t hide the sounds, though. There was too much pleasure searching for their voices, escaping their mouths, meeting freezing air and boiling skin.
Taemin didn’t even bother to look up when Jonghyun stopped in front of him, looking down, thinking nothing but about the black darkness in their flat and how this was ridiculous.
“Since when do you sit here?” he whispered, honestly not even caring, but thinking that this was quite a useful question. Taemin stayed in silence until Jonghyun slit down to the ground, right next to him, a bare shoulder meeting his own. Cold against cold. Skin against skin.
“Can’t remember.”
Groans made their way through the key hole and into shivering bodies remaining in silence waiting for something to happen. Listening to those pants, huffs and whines coming out of their throats, imagining sweaty bodies, clinging around each other in pain while reaching the bittersweet climax.
Jonghyun leaned slightly against Taemin, looking out for some warmth just to realize that there was nothing left besides the usual cold. And Taemin’s fully lips against his own palm with hurtful eyes.
“Let’s go somewhere else.” Jonghyun heard himself saying in an unusual husky tone and reached out for those hands as if he knew the younger wouldn’t fight back. Pulling him on his feet he noticed nails scratching into his skin and though he turned around, slowly moving down the floor to the balcony.
The night was warm outside and the moonlight brightened Taemin’s cheeks and arms in a way that he seemed to turn into something supernatural. Jonghyun put both hands on the parapet, leaned forward, his gaze wandering over the small, colorful lights from thousands of windows.
For the second time in this night he heard Taemin’s voice, humming a song of bitterness in his ears.
“Since when do you know they do this?” and Jonghyun furrowed his eyebrows together. Thinking about when he first heard those noises in the middle of the night, stumbling over to that door, pressing his chin and ear against it... all that gave him a headache.
“Pretty much since they started it.”, he answered, turning around, grinning. “I noticed him sneaking out of the room and I was curious where he wants to go to in the middle of the night, so when he wouldn’t come back I went after him. And well it’s not that hard to find them.”
The fresh wind lightly blew through his bangs and he leaned slightly against Taemin.
“Lonely nights, huh.”
Taemin slowly nodded. He thought about that night, waking up irritated when strange moans reached his ear which he couldn’t discover as pain or pleasure, worried getting up, out of his room to that door. That door, which would become a daily place to visit during the night. Staring at wood, wondering why they did it, what it felt like. Deep in thoughts he kind of shrieked when he heard Jonghyun suddenly speaking up.
“Are you jealous?”
Turning his head he searched for eyes to read the reasons for asking this question.
“Why?”, he asked back, slightly confused about what to answer, because what should he say; what was the actual truth and despite that-
“Because I am.”
Oh.
“Y-You are..?” No, that didn’t sound healthy. He coughed lightly and tried again. “You are? Do- I mean, do they know?” Jonghyun shrugged and turned around again, facing the balcony floor, scratching over it with his house shoes. “Guess not. Well, it’s not that they notice anything at all, right.”, he said, smirking.
“So, what about you?”, he asked again, leaning closer, directly looking into his eyes. The smirk still didn’t vanish.
“I … don’t know.”
Jonghyun laughed.
“Oh, come on. You cannot not know. You’re spending your nights in front of their room, while they deeply fuck, you sit there listening to that live porn and you want to tell me you do it for no reason? - Wait, you’re not turned on by that, are you?!” Round, curious eyes staring at him, suspecting the worst.
“No! Oh my god, hyung!”
Turning away he thought about leaving, going to bed, to the bathroom. Anywhere. Just away from this conversation. This was just too much. And over everything, Jonghyun fell into laughter.
“Ok, ok, good. But let’s be honest, Taemin. Why are you always there, like me? Why are you always coming back to that door in the middle of the night, like me? Why do you slight down in front of it, listening to them huffing like they’re running a triathlon? The way I’m doing it.”
“I don’t know, Hyung!”
Slowly he felt something like anger growing in him, trying to get out of his throat and brain, finding a way into his fists. How should he know what he felt when he leaned against the wood, those noises echoing in his ear? How should he know what he felt when he caught them in the kitchen cheekily patting each other’s butts? Or when he saw them lying on the couch, their fingers slowly slighting together. Or when they ate breakfast and their hands, legs, feet, eyes were meeting in a way it was obvious they weren’t just brothers.
How should he know what it was called when his heart arched like this ...?
Jonghyun seemed to have noticed what Taemin’s thoughts were about, or maybe he just read his expression because Taemin felt like his face was an open book for anyone right now.
In any way he suddenly saw the distance between their faces being closed, Jonghyun’s round puppy eyes right in front of his, looking deep into them before his breath was stolen by warm, comfortable lips.
Lips, that said “But I know.” before moving against his.
The kiss was nice and lovely. It was a good feeling. He felt Jonghyun’s lips moving, slightly brushing over his, pressing here and there, felt his own eyes closing and his body leaning in to get more.
Thus they kissed, his lips getting carefully parted by a hot tongue and seconds later he knew why all the girls in movies were suddenly pressed against the wall. Trembling legs, shivering arms, that’s all he could think of when Jonghyun’s abdomen pressed against his, a deep growl meeting his ear, tongues exploring in his mouth. He closed his eyes in ecstasy, feeling his own dick answering the pressure and his own huffs escaping his mouth, being breathed into Jonghyun’s throat.
As if someone took every guilt from him he felt himself being pulled, into a room, which happened to be their practice room, and suddenly Jonghyun’s cold fingers were everywhere.
He felt them lifting up his tank-top, shifting over his belly, tracing over his chest, wandering over his back, all of sudden his shirt found his way to the floor, so did Jonghyung’s and then those fingers were tracing around his belly button again and even lower. He could barely put one and two thoughts together, but the fear made it to crawl right into his neck, under his skin anyways.
“Are... are we really doing this?”
It slipped out of his mouth before he could even shut it. Jonghyun froze and slowly bent backwards so their eyes could meet. His expression was unreadable. It seems he was wandering around in Taemin’s head, which he was sure was probably easy, because he once again felt like he was some movie which main plot was absolutely easy to follow. He could see Jonghyun’s lips forming a cheeky smile and oh god, he wished, he just wouldn’t have asked.
“Doing what exactly?”
That grin was enough and he just wanted to punch him in the face.
“You know… That. What they’re doing. Like. Every night.”
“Sorry, I somehow don’t get you. What is what they keep doing?”
Asshole. He was obviously playing dumb, and what even annoyed him more was the fact, that he caught him, made him feel uncomfortable, that he felt his cheeks turning slightly red.
“That… oh come on, Idiot, you know what I mean, but-“
“Yes, but I want you to say it. Or can’t you, because you’re scared? Can’t you, because it makes you realize you’re jealous, because they get what you want to have, that they’re not what they pretend to be and everyone knows that, that you’re pissed that they are a fucking happy, lovey-dovey kind of couple and you’re just feeling left out like-“
“Yeah, I got it, ok?! I got your point! I fucking got you think I’m a lamentable, childish kid, who’s searching for love and who needs to be babysit 24/7 hours. I got you feel sorry for me and that is exactly why you’re doing this, thank you very much!”
While exploding he felt such a heat as anger in his body, he hadn’t even noticed that he had clenched his hands into fists, which were trembling so hard right now, his chest going quickly up and down, his breathing unsteady.
He slowly uttered the air he had been holding in, while avoiding Jonghyun, who hadn’t said anything since he shrieked.
“... Thanks, but I don’t need your pity, Hyung.”
With that he turned around and practically ran out of the room, into his own, slamming the door behind him, leaning against it and closing his eyes.
“Fuck.” There was no way that hadn’t been noticed.
-
It had been terribly, terribly awkward between them the next days. They had schedules to do and gladly Taemin found a way to ignore Jonghyun all the way by being around Jinki most of the time, feeling awfully bad about the whole situation though. One morning Jonghyun had been the one he met at first after he got probably 2 hours max of sleep, by trying to get into the bathroom. It’s door happened not to be locked and so his natural intention was to push it open, because usually the others and himself would lock it when they went to shower, if only because of manly morning circumstances. But instead of being able to spend some refreshing alone time he almost shrieked when he literally bumped into a one-step-out-of-the-shower Jonghyun, who didn’t even wear a shirt yet so he had a perfect view of the muscles everyone knew he hid under his t-shirts and he literally felt the temperature rising, his cheeks getting hot.
“Like what you see?”, Jonghyun grinned.
It took only that and god, he was pissed again. About what happened that night and about himself being embarrassed about it.
“No.” He heard himself saying in a cold tone, avoiding the other’s eyes while stepping completely into the bath.
“You mind leaving? Because I didn’t come here to chit-chat you know.”
Wow, it felt good being like that, while just thinking about that there wasn’t anything to feel good about in particular gave him a headache.
Jonghyun seemed to know that, too.
“Look I know you’re mad at me for what I did, but you didn’t even leave me a chance to turn your version down and explain myself.”
“Yeah, why should I? I don’t wanna hear any of your excuses, Hyung.”
“So what makes you so sure it would be an excuse? Has it not crossed your mind that I actually wanted to kiss you?”
If he had had anything in his mouth he would have swallowed up. His head suddenly felt strangely dizzy.
“Why would you want to something like that …” It wasn’t a rational question, but this wasn’t about a rational thing either, so he just asked and tried ignoring his fast heartbeat. Something went not the way he planned. Something went terribly wrong.
“Why would I not?”
Suddenly he felt a hand on his cheek and no, that didn’t feel good. He just wanted to back away; so why couldn’t he? Why did he feel like his feet were glued on the floor?
At least he made it to turn his face away from those puppy eyes studying him.
“H-How should I know!”
Man, he hated it. He hated the fact that his voice would always become so unsteady when talking to Jonghyun lately. He hated the fact that he got goose bumps while thinking about that night. He hated that it made him feel like an idiot.
He hated that his heart would skip a beat when he felt his fingers on his skin.
Which was just happened, since Jonghyun grabbed his face with two hands, forced him to look him in the eye, leaning close.
“I wanted to kiss you, because I felt like it.”
His face getting closer Taemin realized what he was up to and his temper overheated. Putting almost his full strength in it he pushed his hands against the other’s upper body, crushing him against the washing machine. He could see him clenching his teeth in pain and immediately he felt bad about it. But being angry wasn’t about feeling guilty and since there was no way turning back he put that strange heat in his heart aside. It was almost the same heat as when he sat down in front of that door, but different.
“Stop screwing with me!”
He could feel his temper rising inside and he sure displayed it in his face. Well, there was nothing he could do about it anyways.
There was something written on Jonghyun’s face, while he slowly got on his feet again. Some potpourri of anger, surprise, confusement. While wondering Taemin focused on the floor, but when he noticed Jonghyun’s body right in front of him he looked up, directly meeting his eyes and suddenly he knew.
“‘Kay.”, was all Jonghyun said, before turning around, grabbing his towel, slamming the door behind him.
It had been disappointment.
-
The next day Taemin wandered around like a half-dead ready to kill everything he sees and apparently his mood was nothing better. Minho just avoided him, since he knew when Taemin was in that kind of mood it was better to leave him alone getting over it, but Kibum kept mocking about every single thing he did, or did not, and it was annoying him to hell.
He hadn’t talked to Jonghyun at all since their ‘conversation’ in the bathroom, and he, gladly, felt nothing about it. Nothing except for the fact that he actually ignored feeling guilty about it.
It was extremely awkward while shooting for ELLE and getting interviewed about their Japanese debut, playing some card games and everything team related and really, he just wanted to disappear.
It wasn’t easy to feel Minho’s worried gaze in his neck and pretending he just didn’t notice.
It wasn’t easy seeing Kibum walking up to Jonghyun, slightly nodding in his direction while saying something with a curious expression.
It wasn’t easy when Jinki touched his shoulder, asking if he was okay and answering that everything was fine, when it was really not.
No, it wasn’t easy at all.
“Wanna talk about it?”, asked a comfortable, deep voice, when he just had finished his solo shooting, changing clothes for the group one. He wondered if Minho knew that he somehow always made him feel warm and save.
Though, not this time.
“No.”
Avoiding his best friend’s gaze, he walked to his bag to take some sip of water, but for some reason it didn’t feel any better. Only worse.
“You know, you should at least talk to him about whatever it is.” Minho said from across the room while putting on the new jacket.
“Your mood is not healthy for anyone anymore.”
“Hm.”
The good thing was there was only half an hour left till Taemin could leave for a long, comfortable bath. The bad thing was, he knew Minho was right.
At home he immediately dropped himself into the bathroom, locked the door (double check) and dived under the hot water. Staring at the condensate slowly running down his knees he felt ridiculous. How could this happen to them? They were supposed to be good friends, a family, not lovers. How did it start? Why couldn’t he stop going to that door every night in the first place?
Why did they go to that balcony? And how did Jonghyun’s lips end up on his?
For some reason he felt like Jonghyun had planned this. It actually made sense since he already kind of admitted that he kissed him because he wanted to, so maybe they also got there, because Jonghyun made him to.
Whatever, he had a problem.
Thinking about it afterwards he couldn’t remember when his hand started trailing down his torso, lower and even lower. By the first touch the room already felt like 60 degrees, maybe because of the hot water, but whom was he trying to fool?
It felt good. It felt good touching himself for the first time after a long period, his mind going blank for a moment. Although it didn’t take long time for a familiar memory to cross his mind. A memory he had replayed all day, all nights. Pictures of Jonghyun smiling at him and getting closer, the feeling of warm lips moving against his flashing through his mind.
He breathed deeply, heard himself huffing and just as Jonghyun’s hand hovered over his belly he climaxed, freeing thick liquid into the water between his legs.
He had never felt any more embarrassed before in his life. And yet, he didn’t know why.
He just knew he seriously had a problem.
-
By the night he woke up at the usual time, around 3 o’clock in the morning. He, as usual, had already left the room and as usual, Taemin sat up, stroking through his hair one hand, getting up on wobbly legs to follow.
When he reached the floor, wandering the same route, the same direction, the same destination as usual; he felt dizzy. Something was different so he stopped, in the middle of the way, looking around.
He just had passed the kitchen, on the right was Jinki’s room and a few steps away, left side, it was the room of that person he kept fucking with. And the one he was sharing a room with; Jonghyun. Normally he would have just passed by, heading to that door. Normally he would have put the strange feeling aside, wondering what was wrong with him. Normally he wouldn’t care about Jonghyun’s disappointed expression, because hey, shit happened when you were stuck together 24/7.
But he cared and so it seemed his body moved itself, opening the door, sneaking inside. He could see a figure of someone lying in the bed and somehow he knew it was Jonghyun. He knew he hadn’t left.
The bed squeaked a bit under his weight when he slipped under the blankets, next to Jonghyun, inhaling his scent. His nose slightly brushed over his shoulder blade and he could feel him tensing up. He was awake and tried to face him, but Taemin put a hand on his back, stopping him from turning around. The look Jonghyun would probably have on his face wasn’t something he could deal with at the moment. He already had enough problems dealing with himself.
Jonghyun seemed to understand or at least he sighed and relaxed, slightly leaning back against the other, answering the pressure and Taemin felt like taking a roler-coaster ride.
Snuggeling his nose against Jonghyun’s back he bit his lip.
“I’m sorry about what happened in the bathroom.”
Jonghyun chuckled quietly.
“It’s fine.”
And then after a pause, “I guess I went too far without giving explanations, huh.”
“Kinda.”
Why did he feel like a kid again? Why did he feel like Jonghyun knew something about life that he didn’t know, as if that was possible?
Again Jonghyun tried to turn around and this time he allowed it. Warm, slender fingers touched his and he could feel the other’s breath on his cheeks. If his heart would explode the next seconds, he wouldn’t wonder. He knew Jonghyun was smiling.
“You’re so complicated.”, he said in a tone that revealed the grin on his face.
God, Taemin hated it. No wonder he felt like 5 years old while being around him. Jonghyun was obviously talking about some things that were invisible for him.
“Why is it suddenly about me? It was them we were talking about in the first place right?”
For a reason his heart began to beat faster, but he didn’t even have enough time to wonder why.
“It had never been only about them.”, Jonghyun answered in a quietly. Pausing, he continued: “It’s true that I was focused on them for a long time, since he was taking him away from me and I kind of pushed my own disappointment on your shoulders at first, but later on...” He again took some time to move on.
“You kind of happened to me.”
Furrowing his eyebrows, he swallowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He felt Jonghyun chuckling and then snuggling a bit closer, enlacing their fingers. His heart began to race.
“It means I like you.”
Taemin could neither think, nor focus. He only felt Jonghyun’s warm breath and his fingers around his and when he felt his eyelashes on his own he got scared. Too scared to close his eyes, too excited to hold them open, because don’t you have to close your eyes if someone is about to kiss you?
“Tell me if you don’t like it.”
Jonghyun whispered right in front of his lips, but Taemin could feel the tension in the other’s shoulders and knowing that you’re not the only one being nervous about this was already enough. So, with a beating heart and shaking fingers he leaned in, to Jonghyun and when his nose brushed over his and their lips moved together, he released a tension in his neck and shoulder blades he never knew he was holding in.
And yeah, it did feel good. His chest felt like exploding with a heart pumping that fast and strong against his ribs, but he only paid attention on the sounds of kisses and breaths in his ears.
With every kiss he gained self-confidence and he knew he was getting better. He placed short kisses adding more pressure here or less there and he was happy. Although he was still scared about what all of this meant and what was going to happen, he knew it would be alright. He felt Jonghyun’s smile against his mouth and honestly, there was nothing to worry about at all.