First spaz.
So...
I had my first spazz out today. First big one. Yeah, it was a bit wierd. Standing in the middle of a grocery store and just feeling really really overwhelmed by people, lights, and the...everything.
Went and sat in the car for a minute. Regrouped. Spazz session done.
I think that being in the hoosegow, the big P, the South of France, whatever nickname you put on prison, it will definitely change a body. Well, it changed me. It was the first time I left the house today to actually go anywhere. I still have the urge to go to my den and close the door and stay in there, not dealing with the rest of the house. It's wierd, because...it makes me think of the nature of our self made prisons.
Here I am, free, or at least, what society terms as free, and I've made my own prison. I don't go out except to take out the trash...I haven't gone for a walk at night since I got out, and I swore when I was in there, that I would do that the first night I was out. I did go out and stand on my back porch and look up. But it was cloudy. heh. But, what can I say...I made this bed. Bad choices...what's that song lyric? Sometimes fires don't go out when you're done playing with them... yeah.
I still feel frozen. I mean, time inside has a strangely surreal quality to it. It doesn't really exist. There's just today. A lot of the guys I was in with were lifers, and in PA, life in prison means just that...life. The only way they leave is feet first or over the wall. So, the way they cope, the way I learned to cope was just by dealing with today. There is no tomorrow, there's just today. Think of it as Groundhog's Day, only without a cute girl to woo over and over again. I came out, and I was still surprised to see prices as high as they are. I wasn't expecting it to be the same, but I was reacting as though it were still 2005.
I still have the DT's where that girl is concerned. Which is another way I still felt frozen. But...that's just another drop in the bucket of crazy. Found out she did get her divorce, and well...I hope she found her bit of happy. Not much else I can do.
It's wierd still. I know I've only been out a grand total of four days, and it'll get easier...but I find a lot of prison has carried itself out with me. I still find it hard to meet people's eyes unless I have to. I pan and scan a lot, and I'm extrememly nervous about the fairer sex. Yeah...wierd.
But it wasn't all bad. I did get my certification for Architectural Drafting...and I became a legal aide, and I got into hella shape. Lost a few pounds, gained some muscle, I can now bench 250, and squat 300. Not powerlifter numbers, but a marked improvement from where I was. My hair is about 15 inches long, as I didn't cut it at all for the past three years. I have to say, washing it is a pain, I don't know how you girls (or guys for that matter) deal with it. But, it gets everywhere. One of these days when I find my camera again, I'll post a picture.
I learned things, too, spiritually. I could look at the past three years as if I had gone away to a Taoist monastery and learned to meditate and divorce myself from my belongings. It's like Durden said, I am not my pair of khakis...or my laptop, or even my cat. And I am not...who they labeled me to be.
Day by day, I suppose. Day by day. But, I need something to look forward to. Because prison isn't just four walls and bars, it's in my head too. And I've got to get out of my head.
I had my first spazz out today. First big one. Yeah, it was a bit wierd. Standing in the middle of a grocery store and just feeling really really overwhelmed by people, lights, and the...everything.
Went and sat in the car for a minute. Regrouped. Spazz session done.
I think that being in the hoosegow, the big P, the South of France, whatever nickname you put on prison, it will definitely change a body. Well, it changed me. It was the first time I left the house today to actually go anywhere. I still have the urge to go to my den and close the door and stay in there, not dealing with the rest of the house. It's wierd, because...it makes me think of the nature of our self made prisons.
Here I am, free, or at least, what society terms as free, and I've made my own prison. I don't go out except to take out the trash...I haven't gone for a walk at night since I got out, and I swore when I was in there, that I would do that the first night I was out. I did go out and stand on my back porch and look up. But it was cloudy. heh. But, what can I say...I made this bed. Bad choices...what's that song lyric? Sometimes fires don't go out when you're done playing with them... yeah.
I still feel frozen. I mean, time inside has a strangely surreal quality to it. It doesn't really exist. There's just today. A lot of the guys I was in with were lifers, and in PA, life in prison means just that...life. The only way they leave is feet first or over the wall. So, the way they cope, the way I learned to cope was just by dealing with today. There is no tomorrow, there's just today. Think of it as Groundhog's Day, only without a cute girl to woo over and over again. I came out, and I was still surprised to see prices as high as they are. I wasn't expecting it to be the same, but I was reacting as though it were still 2005.
I still have the DT's where that girl is concerned. Which is another way I still felt frozen. But...that's just another drop in the bucket of crazy. Found out she did get her divorce, and well...I hope she found her bit of happy. Not much else I can do.
It's wierd still. I know I've only been out a grand total of four days, and it'll get easier...but I find a lot of prison has carried itself out with me. I still find it hard to meet people's eyes unless I have to. I pan and scan a lot, and I'm extrememly nervous about the fairer sex. Yeah...wierd.
But it wasn't all bad. I did get my certification for Architectural Drafting...and I became a legal aide, and I got into hella shape. Lost a few pounds, gained some muscle, I can now bench 250, and squat 300. Not powerlifter numbers, but a marked improvement from where I was. My hair is about 15 inches long, as I didn't cut it at all for the past three years. I have to say, washing it is a pain, I don't know how you girls (or guys for that matter) deal with it. But, it gets everywhere. One of these days when I find my camera again, I'll post a picture.
I learned things, too, spiritually. I could look at the past three years as if I had gone away to a Taoist monastery and learned to meditate and divorce myself from my belongings. It's like Durden said, I am not my pair of khakis...or my laptop, or even my cat. And I am not...who they labeled me to be.
Day by day, I suppose. Day by day. But, I need something to look forward to. Because prison isn't just four walls and bars, it's in my head too. And I've got to get out of my head.