Memories of Chocolate
So, got even more domestic, and made some double chocolate brownies...and I'm probably going to try my hand at caramelized walnuts tomorrow. But, the smell of chocolate, it always brings back the strangest memories.
I've been cleaning up more, finding more memories of her, of other hers and realizing that when it comes to 'Her', and that would be her and all the other hers I've ever known, Her isn't really the problem. It's me. It's my innate fear of letting people in, of having to get over the fear that the people I let in are going to betray me somehow. I mean, I could use my childhood as an excuse, I could use what I did in the military as an excuse, I could use a lot of excuses, but none of them would ever excuse me. Past behaviours are...well...let's just say that things I've done, I'm not too proud of, and with the distance of years, I realize that if I could make amends somehow...I would. I just don't know how.
I've been wrestling with contacting another one that I done some wrong to, but I'm not sure. I mean, is it worth it, for me to be selfish and look to put my own regrets to rest, just by stirring up someone else's? That is to say, if this person who I wronged, she may have put the ghosts of me to sleep, and not really give me a thought from day to day at all. And if so, then, who am I, to come barging in the door with a bottle of wine and a handful of flowers, saying, "Hey!" I don't know if I should, but then, I think, well, there have been those who have done me wrong, and how nice it would be for them to apologize. I don't think it would muck up my whole day to have that done. But we're all different.
I still don't know.
On other news, I found an artist that I really like. I've always liked the song, "Eyes on Me," by Faye Wong, and I was trying to find a copy of it, because I can't find the mp3 player that I had it loaded onto. And I wandered into Angela Aki's live version, and I have to admit, I was hooked. And yeah, I know it's almost three years old, this thing, but hey...I've sort of been out of contact with the world. So, I have been listening to her all day, while cleaning, and...well, with the house kinda warm, the smell of chocolate baking, and my cat hanging around meowing at me, it's been sort of a good day. The first good day that hasn't had a symptom of malaise about it in a long time.
But, then, there's always the ghost of her that taps me on the shoulder and says, "heya JJ..."
silly ghosts.