Accepting Your Fate

[shinnyluvssuju]

Title: Accepting Your Fate
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Hanchul, slight!Yoona/Heechul, past!Hankyung/Victoria
Genre: One Shot, Romance, minor!smut
Word Count: 4,218
Synopsis: In which Heechul insists he's not gay because he's married, but the quiet intern at the office changes everything.


“Oh, that guy? He’s incredibly lonely.”

“Damn, poor guy. Been through hell.”

“I hear his wife left him high and dry with three kids to take care of.”

These were only some of the things Heechul heard around the office about their really quiet intern, Han Geng, who they just called Hankyung because no one wanted to go through the awkwardness of mispronouncing his real name. Heechul had no idea if any of these things were true, but something bad must’ve happened to him, because those rare times when he looks up from his paperwork Heechul sees unbearable sadness in his eyes, and it kills him just a little. He barely knows this guy but yet, he feels incredibly bad for him.

He mentions it to his own wife, Yoona, who only shakes her head and says that some people aren’t as lucky as they are, and asks what he wants for dinner. He only shrugs and says that anything will do, retreating to his home office and collapsing in his office chair. Then the picture frame in the corner of his desk catches his eye, and he picks it up gently and looks at the photo as the memories rush back. He sees Yoona, smiling brightly and holding his hand tight. “We’ll have to turn your office into a bedroom,” she says softly, looking down at her stomach. As soon as the good memories come the bad stomp all over them. It’s Yoona and she’s crying at the hospital, pleading with the doctors, asking them if there’s anything they can do to save the baby. But they only smile sadly at her, the hysterical woman crying into her husband’s neck.

Ironic that Yoona said they were the lucky ones.

Yoona called him the next day at work, saying she was going out for happy hour with some friends. He didn’t mind; she needed some time out for herself. He got back to work and before he knew it, four thirty had already come and everyone was packing up their stuff to run out of there, back to their families and friends. Everyone except Sad Eyes, that is.

He always seemed to be the last to leave, if he even left at all. Heechul had always gone before seeing him go, anyway. He had nothing better to do, so he shrugged, grabbed his bag and walked over to Hankyung’s desk. He put a hand on his hip and asked, “You wanna get out of here?”

He looked up from his work, a confused expression on his face. “Me?” It was the first time he’d heard Hankyung speak.

Heechul rolled his eyes. “Yes, you. Let’s get out of here.”

Despite Hankyung’s confusion he got up anyway, and followed Heechul out the door of their building into the cold November air, the sun just beginning to set. They simultaneously shoved their hands into their pockets, walking to the parking lot. “You wanna just take my car?” Heechul asked, turning to him. “We can pick up your car tomorrow morning.”

“No car,” he said simply, accented words falling awkwardly from his lips.

Heechul raised an eyebrow but shrugged it off, getting his keys out of his pocket and telling him to pick up the pace. They both slipped into the car, Hankyung in the driver’s seat, neither having any idea of where they were going.

“If you don’t have a car,” Heechul asked. “How do you get to work?”

“Bus.”

Now he felt awkward driving him around in his Mercedes.

After an uncomfortable silence Heechul turned to him and asked, “Where do you live, I’ll just drop you off.”

“Down town, off of Main Street. I’ll point you to it when we get there.” After a moment or so he quickly added, “Thanks.”

Heechul had begun to regret driving home a person he barely knew. For one they had nothing to talk about, for they had both been in the office all day and nothing more. He didn’t want to address any of the rumors he’d heard either. Not yet, at least.

To his relief they reached an apartment building that Hankyung had directed him to and pulled into the parking lot. Before Hankyung had exited the car he asked quickly, maybe a little too quickly because he stumbled over the words just a bit, “Do you want to come in? It’s cold, I have coffee if you want.”

Heechul pursed his lips, mentally said eh, what the hell, and slammed the car door shut and followed him inside. After a short trip in the elevator they reached an apartment door with varnished bronze numbers reading three forty-one, a voice from behind the door yelling, “No no no, we don’t put that in our mouth!”

“Babysitter’s here,” Hankyung said, addressing Heechul’s curiosity. “Just warning you, I have three loud kids in there.”

“Kids are treasures,” Heechul said as Hankyung unlocked the door to reveal a tired teenage babysitter who was getting a shoelace out of a toddler’s mouth.

The girl said something in Chinese until she realized they had a Korean guest and changed it to, “Oh, Mr. Han, Hello! Who’s your guest?”

“A friend of mine from work,” he said, taking the small girl out of her arms. “Kim Heechul, this is Amber Liu who lives a few doors down.”

“Nice to meet you,” Heechul said, and Amber said the same.

“Well, now that you’re home I guess I’ll be off!” She practically bounced towards the door, waving a manicured hand. “Bye!” She added something in Chinese which Hankyung replied to in Chinese, which Heechul had no idea about.

“I guess the others are asleep already,” he said. He motioned to the tiny girl he was holding and said, “This is Bao Yu.”

The kid really was adorable. Heechul couldn’t help but coo as the little girl smiled at him.

“Bà bà!” said an excited little voice, which was soon accompanied by the pitter patter of little feet running through the hall towards the two of them. It was a little boy with bright eyes, grabbing onto Hankyung’s leg.

“And this is Kuai,” he said chuckling, patting the boy on the head. He put down the little girl who struggled to stand on her two shaky little legs, told the boy something that Heechul assumed was something like, “Run along,” and watched as Kuai took his sister’s hand and led her back into the rooms through the hallway.

“Sorry about that,” apologized Hankyung as he turned on the coffee maker on the counter. “I thought they’d be asleep already.”

“You have two beautiful kids there,” Heechul said. “No bother at all.”

“Bao Yu has a twin, Xiao Li, so there’s three altogether.”

“Damn,” Heechul exhaled. “How do you manage?”

“Amber’s a huge help,” he said. “She doesn’t even let me pay her.”

“How old is she?”

“Sixteen, I think.”

“Well I know when I was sixteen I wouldn’t wanna be babysitting, so I give her lots of credit.”

Silence.
“So… you live here with just the kids?”

He silently nodded as he poured two mugs of coffee and brought them to the table. Heechul took it gratefully, the first sip warming him from the inside out.

He looked to the wall and saw a picture of Hankyung and the kids, with a woman he’d never seen before. “Is that…?”

“Victoria. She was my wife,” he said, looking into his coffee cup like there was a circus going on inside.

“Dead?”

“Just sort of…” He stirred his coffee, spoon clanging against the cup. “Gone.”

Victoria looked beautiful in the photo, arms wrapped around Hankyung’s waist, sun reflecting off her long, shiny black hair. Now that he saw the mother of the three children, he realized that in many ways they were virtually copies of Victoria. Yet, he noticed that Kuai had Hankyung’s eyes and mouth, the same smile. The twins had Victoria’s eye smile and already had her long, shiny hair, but had Hankyung’s ears and forehead. They made an attractive family. Heechul wondered why she ran off, from all the happiness she had. Heechul would kill for a family like that.

“Tell me your story,” he blurted out, before he could even think about it. “I mean, if you want to. Not now, but over time, I guess.”

Hankyung stared at him and a chill went down his spine, from the caffeine, definitely the caffeine.

“I suppose… but why?”

“I’m curious. And who knows, it could be the start of a beautiful friendship,” he said, adding a wink for good measure which made Hankyung laugh.

“Alright, we can do this again tomorrow, then.” He put his jacket on and asked Heechul if he could walk him to his car. He replied with a nod and a smile and soon, he was back home to see Yoona curled up in the big comfy chair by the fireplace with a book in her hand, glasses on and hair pulled back in a ponytail.

“Hey honey,” she said, putting her book down and prancing over to kiss him. “How was your day?”

“Fine. Met up with a co-worker after work. How was happy hour with the girls?”

“Great! But I’m just so glad you’re home,” she purred, wrapping her arms around his neck and staring into his eyes. For some reason it didn’t have the same effect as when Hankyung stared into his eyes, but it was from lack of caffeine and he knew it.
The next day couldn’t end soon enough as Heechul stared at the clock, tapped his foot and doodled, played solitaire and took quick naps so the boss wouldn’t find out. When the end finally came he already had his stuff packed and jumped from his seat to Hankyung’s desk, whistling while waiting for him to get all his stuff together to leave. When they were in the car Heechul suggested they go somewhere else instead of Hankyung’s apartment. You know, for a change.

“Your house?” Hankyung asked.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “My wife will be there by this time.”

“You don’t get along with her?”

“Oh no, that’s not it at all. I love Yoona very much.” He didn’t know why he didn’t want Hankyung to meet Yoona. It could be that he didn’t want to share his new friend, because Yoona tended to steal any new person he brought in the house.  “How about we take a walk. There’s a park by your building, yes?”

Even though it was almost dark there were still plenty of people on the walking trail, so they decided it was okay to do so as well.

“You wanted the story?” Hankyung suddenly asked. Heechul nodded and Hankyung took a deep breath and began. “Well, I got married to Victoria while I lived in China and I was twenty five. We were high school sweethearts, you could say, and told each other since the moment we started dating that we would marry one another. And when we did, it was… like a dream.”

“If you two were so happy,” Heechul said, swinging his hands as he walked. “Then what made her leave?”

He sighed. “I’m not sure, to be honest. One day I woke up, a week after we’d moved here from China for Victoria’s job, and I didn’t see her, and I walked into the kitchen to find a note on the table… She didn’t even say where she went. Just that she was… Never coming back…” He trailed off, looking at the grass as they walked.

“Hey,” Heechul said softly, wrapping an arm around Hankyung’s waist before he realized that it looked shockingly similar to the way Victoria held him in the picture. “If it’s too much, you don’t have to.”

“It’s alright,” he said, waving it off. “Anyway, I panicked. I had no idea what to tell the kids… Luckily they were far too young at the time, even Kuai.”

“How old is Kuai now?”

“Now he’s four. He’s the oldest. When Victoria left he was two.”
Heechul nodded and motioned for him to keep going.

“I called her mother to see if she’d gone back home, but they hadn’t heard from her. I called all her friends but I got the same response. I was completely at a loss.”

Heechul noticed the hurt in his eyes again and was reminded why he referred to Hankyung as Sad Eyes before he got to know him. Hankyung didn’t even have to speak, really. Heechul could just see all his pain and suffering reflecting from his eyes. They are the window to the soul, after all.

“When Kuai turned three, he started asking where Māmā had gone… Since I didn’t know I honestly had nothing to tell him, so I just said she’d be back soon. He still thinks she’ll be back someday.”

Heechul grabbed Hankyung’s hand and held it tight as they walked.

“There are good days and bad days for all of us. I have more bad days then Kuai and the twins, though, because I actually understand what happened to an extent. The bad days are awful…”

“What are the bad days like?”

He paused for a while as if to think and then hesitantly answered, “I feel useless. Like no one needs me, no one loves me. Like it wouldn’t matter if I just… disappeared.”

Heechul threaded their fingers together. “That’s not true at all. Don’t ever think that, even on your bad days. Kuai, Xiao Li and Bao Yu need you.”

“Well, Kuai hasn’t acted like it these days. He’s been very troublesome lately, it’s so unlike him.”

Heechul looked around and realized that they seemed to be the only two people left in the park.

“We should get going,” he said quietly. “It’s getting late.”

“Yah, Kim Heechul,” he said before Heechul left after dropping him off back home. “Thank you.”

All Heechul could do was smile and hug him.

“Yoona,” he said tentatively as they were watching Shin Dong Yup on a variety show. “What do you do when a friend is hurting, but there’s not much you can do to help?”

“Well,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder. “All you can do is offer your support. Be there for your friend. Help them whenever they need.”

“But what if you’ve done that already?”

“Then do it some more.”

So Heechul did.

“So… Kuai said some interesting things today.”

They were at Heechul and Yoona’s home today, particularly because Yoona had to work late. They both were lying on a different couch, Heechul lazily flipping through channel after channel of awful sitcoms.

“Curse words?”

“No… Honestly I don’t know where he would’ve heard these things from…”

Heechul turned off the television and flipped over to face him. “What things?”

“He’s been talking about death and God lately.”

Heechul got up and sat on the couch Hankyung was on and put an arm around him. “Go on.”

“He said that… he wants to die so he can meet God and he wants to die b-because he likes God better than me…” He put his face in his hands.

Heechul’s mouth dropped open. “Hankyung, I mean, he’s just a child, he probably doesn’t even understand what he’s saying…”

“I asked him what death was, he knows what it is,” he said, voice muffled.

Heechul propped his head up by putting a hand under his chin. “You’re his father,” he said, wiping a tear sliding down his cheek. “He loves you, he just doesn’t know how to express that.”

“I’m an awful father,” he said. “I let his mother go, and now I’m letting him say things like this-”

“You’re not an awful father,” Heechul said, cutting him off. “On the contrary, you’re one of the best I’ve ever known.”

The events of the next moment happened so quickly and suddenly, Heechul wouldn’t have expected it in a million years. Hankyung quickly pressed his lips to Heechul’s for just a moment, only to pull pack looking shocked.

“I-I don’t know why I did that,” he said, avoiding Heechul’s eyes.
“I don’t know either…” Heechul said slowly.

That night, after Hankyung left, he felt a combination of anxiousness and the need to physically be sick. No, this wasn’t the effect a kiss should have on someone. For three nights afterward he wasn’t able to sleep at all, getting up in the middle of the night to splash cold water on his face. He didn’t know what was wrong with him, but the guilt was eating him alive. He’d kissed someone other than Yoona. He’d kissed someone other than his wife, his beautiful wife whom he’d sworn to never disappoint ever again. He’d all but cheated on Yoona, and he couldn’t deal with that. He was jumpy and on edge, thinking that she must know even though there’s no way she could possibly. He had to talk to Hankyung, and he had to get things straightened out.

Once work ended the next day, they both met at Heechul’s car, for it had become routine that he would drive Hankyung home because, as Heechul said, public busses are grimy and dirty. After staring at Heechul for a moment as if to wait for his approval, Heechul nodded and said, “Get in.”

Before even turning the car on, he looked at Hankyung. “I need answers.”

He looked down. “I know. But the thing is I don’t have any to give.”

Heechul sighed, partly from annoyance because he didn’t have any, either. “I’m just as confused as you are, Hankyung. When you kissed me, I just-” He stopped.

Hankyung looked at him expectantly. “What?”

“When you kissed me,” he said slowly. “It felt so different. I’d never felt that feeling before, and it just confused me so much…” Heechul looked as if he was still processing things, deep in thought. “I’m afraid, Hankyung.”

Hankyung put a hand on his cheek. “Afraid of what?”

Heechul felt his eyes tearing up, and he didn’t know why. “I’m afraid of falling in love with you. It’s the only explanation! I haven’t slept for days, and you’ve been the only thing running through my head, dammit! I-I just don’t know! I have a wife and I can’t disappoint her because she’s been through too much already! And I’m not gay and I love her and this can’t be happening!”

“I don’t want to be your mistake, Heechul,” Hankyung said, pushing Heechul’s bangs out of his face. “I won’t ever see you again, if that’s what you need to stay with Yoona.”

“But I don’t want that,” Heechul said. “No matter how hard I try, I’ll always want you. You know when you look at me? Yeah, Yoona does the same thing but it’s not the same at all. With you everything’s different, but in a good way.” Hankyung only silently stared back. “Kiss me again, Hankyung.”

Wordlessly he kissed Heechul again, but this time the nervousness was replaced with feeling and gentle touches. Heechul felt like fireworks were going off inside of him, and this didn’t help his problem at all. Hankyung pulled Heechul’s hair out of his ponytail while kissing him, running his fingers through his hair then resting his hand on the base of his neck. Heechul grabbed onto the collar of his dress shirt, pulling them as close together as they could physically get. He never wanted this feeling to end, because kissing Hankyung just felt so good and if he could stay here forever, he wouldn’t have to face Yoona.

When they both had to separate for air, Heechul rested his forehead against Hankyung’s and whispered, “What the hell do we do now?”

“Yoona, I need to talk to you seriously for a minute,” Heechul said, pulling her down on the couch next to him. “There’s s-something I need to tell you.”

“Honey, you look almost afraid,” she said softly. “What’s wrong?”

He took a deep breath, for there was no turning back now. “I kissed one of my co-workers today and I’m so sorry, but I love you Yoona and that’ll never change and I just need you to know because the guilt is tearing me apart.”

“Y-you, you what?” she asked, voice cracking.

“Yoona, I love you,” he repeated, as if it was his new mantra.

“Who is she?” she asked, eyes watering. “Do I know her?”

This was the part Heechul wanted to avoid, that he was most ashamed of. He looked down. “I-It was another man, Yoona.”

Her eyes widened. “Heechul, you’re not gay.”

“I know, I’m not,” he insisted. “It doesn’t matter though because I love you.”

“Are you gay, Heechul?”

“No!” he said, holding Yoona’s hands. “You’re my wife.”

“Prove it, then.”

And so he did, in the form of fucking Yoona that night, her screams of his name echoing off the walls, all the while Heechul mentally repeating ‘I’m not gay’ as he kissed his wife.

Without knocking he stormed into Hankyung’s apartment, throwing his jacket on the couch while yelling, “I tried, Hankyung, I really did!”

Hankyung got up from his seat at the kitchen table and gripped Heechul’s shoulders. “What happened?” he asked firmly.

At this point Heechul broke down in tears, unable to be strong anymore. “I told her. I told her we kissed because I felt guilty and she asked me if I’m gay which I’m most certainly not, so I slept with her to prove it but it didn’t help at all and god, Hankyung, how can I make it stop?”

Hankyung hugged him as he cried into his neck, unable to suppress his loud sobs. “Hankyung I’m sorry.”

“For what, Heechul?”

“I don’t know, I’m just sorry.”
“Bà bà?” a voice asked. “Why is your friend crying?”

Heechul immeadiatly freed himself from Hankyung’s grasp, quickly wiping his tears before replying, “It’s nothing, Kuai, everything is okay.”

Then the sound of crying came from another room down the hall. “Heechul, watch Kuai for a sec?” He nodded as Hankyung ran down the hall to sooth one of the crying twins.

Heechul sat down on the couch and took a few deep breaths and wiping his remaining tears as Kuai sat down next to him. “What’s your name again?” he asked in the same little accented voice his father had.

“Heechul,” he said, trying his best to smile.

“Heechul, do you love Bà bà?”

Heechul took a deep breath before saying, “Yes. And you should, too. Love your father very much, okay, because he needs you.”

At that moment Hankyung came back, having consoled the crying girl. “Kuai,” he said, saying something in Mandarin which made the boy run off down the hall.

“Everything okay?”

“Stay the night here.”

“What?”

“Amber can take the kids overnight, just please, stay.”

Heechul nodded.

The minute Amber had left with the kids-“They’ll be safe and sound with me, Mr.Han!”-Hankyung practically jumped on Heechul, kissing him like this would be their last day together.

“H-Hankyung,” he moaned as he kissed his neck. “Please, I want you.”

Despite the both of them being totally new at this, for they’d both never been with another man, things went surprisingly smoothly. They’d quickly found a rhythm and soon, they were both lost in ecstasy and pleasure, feeling each other, loving each other. Heechul realized almost immediately that sex with Yoona and sex with Hankyung were two completely different things. With Hankyung, he decided, it was how sex was supposed to feel. Not just pleasure, but pleasure and the rawest of love.

But when reality hits, it hits hard.

“You think you can just come back here, after I know you were with that man overnight? Please, Heechul, do you think I’m an idiot?”

“No, Yoona, just listen-”

“Shut the fuck up!” she yelled, pushing him away from her. “You’re cheating on me. Damn you, you’re cheating on me with a man, for Christ’s sake!”

“If you’d let me explain-”

“Get the hell out of my house, Kim Heechul. Right this fucking minute.”

He complied. He may have been sad and angry, but he complied.

He knocked on Hankyung’s door holding his suitcase, his expression saying more than his words ever could. Hankyung took his hand and led him down the hall, saying he can stay here as long as he needs or forever, if he wants, and can use the free space in his wardrobe for his things.

“Is Heechul having a sleepover?” Kuai asked excitedly as he watched the two unpack Heechul’s things.

“Yeah. A really long sleepover,” Hankyung said.

“Yay!” Kuai exclaimed, hugging Heechul’s legs. He couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m gay, aren’t I?” Heechul asked, head against Hankyung’s bare chest as he lay with him in bed.

“Probably,” Hankyung shrugged.

For some reason, he couldn’t care less at the moment.

“Heechul, look!” Kuai said happily as he ran over to Heechul with a picture in his hands the next morning. “I drew the family!”

“Oh, how cute! Let’s see,” Heechul said as he took the drawing from the boy.

He pointed at each person and said their names. “That’s Bà bà, that’s me, that’s Xiao Li and Bao Yu, and that’s you.”

Heechul raised an eyebrow. “Why am I in the picture?”

“Because you’re part of the family, silly!”