Beautiful Mess
Title: Beautiful Mess
Author: vvipforseungri
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: G-Ri
Word Count: 1633
Genre: Angst
Summary: And now I'm left with a beautiful mess.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, no matter how hard I try.
AN: Inspired, and written based on the lyrics of, Miranda Cosgrove's "Beautiful Mess". For a Disney kid, some of the lyrics are pretty great, like the line about leaving and not really caring. Surprise fic for everyone, even though I am not feeling it.
I feel crazy, while you seem sane.
I saw lightning, but you just see rain.
I hear music, that’s my heart being played.
---
SeungRi chokes back tears, the bile rising in the back of his throat, heart hammering and his fists clenching at his side.
I will not cry. I will not cry.
“SeungRi? What are you doing here?”
JiYong doesn’t even have the decency to sound surprised, or guilty. Instead, the words are drawled, as though JiYong might even be amused.
There’s a gasp and then a sudden rustling under the covers. A figure slips out of the bed, hastily straightening her dress, blushing a beet red and looking directly at the ground as she escapes from the room. JiYong watches her leave impassively, and SeungRi just watches JiYong.
“Really, JiYong?” whispers SeungRi. “Really?”
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about,” asks JiYong innocently, leaning back and making himself comfortable in the bed.
SeungRi lets out a noise of disbelief. His vision seems to tinge with red as fury fast overtakes every other emotion racking through his body. He can’t seem to be able to say anything more. His fingers shake and he can’t think straight. He thinks he’s about to go crazy.
While JiYong seems so sane, watching SeungRi with blank and unresponsive, guiltless eyes.
---
“Don’t go.”
“What?”
“Don’t go.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
SeungRi lays helpless on the bed, feeling both used and worthless all at the same time. He watches JiYong pull on his pants and do up his belt, hair still mussed haphazardly. It had taken JiYong all of three minutes to recover and he was already on his way out. It seemed the ‘I need you’ that JiYong had promised had only meant free sex and no commitments.
“It’s storming outside.”
“You’re over exaggerating.”
SeungRi’s not, actually. Thunder booms every thirty seconds, so loud that SeungRi wonders if it might shake the house and knock it down. But really, he only wants JiYong to stay. To come back to SeungRi’s arms and to fall asleep there.
“That was thunder and lightning, JiYong. It’s dangerous.”
“It’s only a bit of rain.”
It seems JiYong doesn’t care very much for what SeungRi wants.
---
SeungRi sits and listens as JiYong plays his guitar, utterly mesmerized by the beautiful song he’s crooning, letting the notes and lyrics fill his ears and overtake him.
It’s a love song that JiYong’s playing, a song filled with hope and undying declarations and sweet nothings. SeungRi tries and pretends that the words are meant for him.
JiYong seems different like this, absorbed in his music. His face shows hints of the emotion that SeungRi craves for so desperately, that he never ever gets the chance to see. His eyes look up to catch SeungRi’s gaze and a soft smile crosses his face, eyes crinkling in innocent happiness. It’s at times like this that SeungRi thinks it might all be worth it. That all the nights spent crying and all the moments of loneliness and helplessness could be easier to bear. That for once SeungRi might be worthy of the love of the infamous Kwon JiYong. That SeungRi isn’t another toy, another fling, another tick in JiYong’s scorecard.
But it’s also in times like this that SeungRi feels his worst for never being able to completely lose himself in the sensation of being loved, that there’s always that niggling in the back of his head that isn’t fooled by JiYong’s pretty smile. That he can never forget that it wasn’t worth it at all.
SeungRi listens to the music, but all he can really hear is his heart being played.
---
The rush remains as I watch you go.
Your kiss still lingers, but it’s killing me slow.
As I shiver in this space where I lay.
---
SeungRi feels like an idiot for feeling this way. For feeling the adrenaline rush in his veins and the ridiculous happiness steal over him.
I love you so much, SeungRi. So much, only you, SeungRi. Only you.
The words played on a loop in his head, the way they had been hissed into his ear as JiYong had come, SeungRi following soon after. JiYong had collapsed beside him afterwards, pulling SeungRi close in his arms and kissing the skin on his neck softly, still whispering his ‘I love you’s. He’d fallen asleep, and SeungRi had spent the better part of an hour savouring the feeling.
He still couldn’t bring it in himself to feel bad just yet, even as JiYong was pulling out of his driveway at four in the morning, leaving what he’d thought to have been a sleeping SeungRi alone in the bed.
---
JiYong thinks a kiss is enough for an apology. No “I’m sorry” or “forgive me”. Just a kiss and a half-sheepish smile.
SeungRi is stupid enough to accept it, accepting the unheard apologies and forgiving him anyway. Over and over he does this, feeling a new tear in his heart rip apart with every time. He tells himself that JiYong’s just like this, that it’s his way of feeling remorseful. He tells himself he’s lucky to even get this much, to have stuck around for so long.
The kiss lingers on SeungRi’s lips, and he closes his eyes and touches his lips, trying and failing to pretend as if it didn’t hurt, as if he didn’t care.
He doesn’t think it’s very healthy to be dying this slowly.
---
Alone.
SeungRi’s utterly alone and it’s cold. He shivers in his thin cotton t-shirt, rubbing his arms in an attempt to steal some warmth. The throbbing music can still be heard from behind him, behind the closed door to the club JiYong had dragged him to. He doesn’t know where his cell-phone is and he’s only got about a couple hundred won in his pocket. Nothing nearly enough to get him home. He resigns himself to his fate and begins his long trek home, cursing silently at nothing in particular.
He feels indignant and a little angry that JiYong had ditched him the moment they’d walked through the doors. Why bring him along anyway if he wasn’t going to spend time with him? SeungRi didn’t even like clubs, hated them really, and had only gone for JiYong anyway.
He could fully appreciate his stupidity now that he’s walking home alone at two in the morning.
---
It was an innocent mistake to waste my time on you.
When they say you’re not to go, they don’t care if you do.
In your shadow I fade.
---
Could SeungRi have really helped it? Falling for someone like Kwon JiYong? The enigmatic, the charismatic, the quiet genius Kwon JiYong?
What was SeungRi supposed to have done when JiYong had smiled so devilishly at him when he’d ordered his morning coffee and blueberry muffin? How could he have been able to resist the invitation to come out to the club when he got off his shift? Should he have really said no to the way JiYong’s lips felt against his skin, the way JiYong had felt pressed up against SeungRi back at SeungRi’s house?
How could he have known that he’d be just another fool that JiYong has hoodwinked? How was he supposed to have known that JiYong liked hurting most, playing second, and loving last?
It was a mistake, an innocent mistake. Surely, SeungRi shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions.
Not when he was drowning in pain and rejection, not when he could feel the ends of his control slip away from him, not when he was so close to just giving up entirely?
So much time, so much love, so much effort. All wasted in the hopes of curing the incurable Kwon JiYong. Of being the one to finally make Kwon JiYong see love.
---
“No, SeungRi. Don’t go.”
JiYong’s words are half-hearted even to SeungRi. JiYong’s hands firmly grab SeungRi’s, preventing him from reaching for his bag of his possessions.
“And why not?” SeungRi challenges, eyes angry as he struggles against JiYong’s hold.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it seem like a choice. You’re not allowed to leave.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.” JiYong’s eyes glint meanly, pushing SeungRi back from the door.
“Well I’m sorry to you for making it seem like your words mean anything to me anymore,” SeungRi grits out, pushing back and grabbing his bag, making his way to the door.
JiYong scoffs. “I don’t believe you. You hang off of my every word. I know you, SeungRi. I know that when I say I love you, you think that that means a single goddamn thing to me. When I say I’m sorry you think it’s for hurting you, when it’s really just because you’re so pathetic. When I say it’s only you, you think it’s a good thing, when what I really mean is that only you are idiotic enough to stay around for this long. I am everything to you, SeungRi.”
“Maybe,” SeungRi responds, halfway out the door. “But since that doesn’t mean a thing to you, I guess you don’t really care if I leave and don’t come back.”
SeungRi doesn’t turn back, but JiYong hadn’t watched him leave anyway.
---
SeungRi should have known better than to think that JiYong could learn to love him. JiYong was too great, too talented, so much larger than life. How could someone as small and insignificant as SeungRi ever hope to measure up to someone like JiYong, let alone ever be worthy of his love?
In JiYong’s shadow, SeungRi fades.
---
It’s a beautiful mess you’ve made.
You’ve had your fun and games.
I love you; do you love me so much less?
Now I’m left with this beautiful mess.
---
Author: vvipforseungri
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: G-Ri
Word Count: 1633
Genre: Angst
Summary: And now I'm left with a beautiful mess.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, no matter how hard I try.
AN: Inspired, and written based on the lyrics of, Miranda Cosgrove's "Beautiful Mess". For a Disney kid, some of the lyrics are pretty great, like the line about leaving and not really caring. Surprise fic for everyone, even though I am not feeling it.
I feel crazy, while you seem sane.
I saw lightning, but you just see rain.
I hear music, that’s my heart being played.
---
SeungRi chokes back tears, the bile rising in the back of his throat, heart hammering and his fists clenching at his side.
I will not cry. I will not cry.
“SeungRi? What are you doing here?”
JiYong doesn’t even have the decency to sound surprised, or guilty. Instead, the words are drawled, as though JiYong might even be amused.
There’s a gasp and then a sudden rustling under the covers. A figure slips out of the bed, hastily straightening her dress, blushing a beet red and looking directly at the ground as she escapes from the room. JiYong watches her leave impassively, and SeungRi just watches JiYong.
“Really, JiYong?” whispers SeungRi. “Really?”
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about,” asks JiYong innocently, leaning back and making himself comfortable in the bed.
SeungRi lets out a noise of disbelief. His vision seems to tinge with red as fury fast overtakes every other emotion racking through his body. He can’t seem to be able to say anything more. His fingers shake and he can’t think straight. He thinks he’s about to go crazy.
While JiYong seems so sane, watching SeungRi with blank and unresponsive, guiltless eyes.
---
“Don’t go.”
“What?”
“Don’t go.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
SeungRi lays helpless on the bed, feeling both used and worthless all at the same time. He watches JiYong pull on his pants and do up his belt, hair still mussed haphazardly. It had taken JiYong all of three minutes to recover and he was already on his way out. It seemed the ‘I need you’ that JiYong had promised had only meant free sex and no commitments.
“It’s storming outside.”
“You’re over exaggerating.”
SeungRi’s not, actually. Thunder booms every thirty seconds, so loud that SeungRi wonders if it might shake the house and knock it down. But really, he only wants JiYong to stay. To come back to SeungRi’s arms and to fall asleep there.
“That was thunder and lightning, JiYong. It’s dangerous.”
“It’s only a bit of rain.”
It seems JiYong doesn’t care very much for what SeungRi wants.
---
SeungRi sits and listens as JiYong plays his guitar, utterly mesmerized by the beautiful song he’s crooning, letting the notes and lyrics fill his ears and overtake him.
It’s a love song that JiYong’s playing, a song filled with hope and undying declarations and sweet nothings. SeungRi tries and pretends that the words are meant for him.
JiYong seems different like this, absorbed in his music. His face shows hints of the emotion that SeungRi craves for so desperately, that he never ever gets the chance to see. His eyes look up to catch SeungRi’s gaze and a soft smile crosses his face, eyes crinkling in innocent happiness. It’s at times like this that SeungRi thinks it might all be worth it. That all the nights spent crying and all the moments of loneliness and helplessness could be easier to bear. That for once SeungRi might be worthy of the love of the infamous Kwon JiYong. That SeungRi isn’t another toy, another fling, another tick in JiYong’s scorecard.
But it’s also in times like this that SeungRi feels his worst for never being able to completely lose himself in the sensation of being loved, that there’s always that niggling in the back of his head that isn’t fooled by JiYong’s pretty smile. That he can never forget that it wasn’t worth it at all.
SeungRi listens to the music, but all he can really hear is his heart being played.
---
The rush remains as I watch you go.
Your kiss still lingers, but it’s killing me slow.
As I shiver in this space where I lay.
---
SeungRi feels like an idiot for feeling this way. For feeling the adrenaline rush in his veins and the ridiculous happiness steal over him.
I love you so much, SeungRi. So much, only you, SeungRi. Only you.
The words played on a loop in his head, the way they had been hissed into his ear as JiYong had come, SeungRi following soon after. JiYong had collapsed beside him afterwards, pulling SeungRi close in his arms and kissing the skin on his neck softly, still whispering his ‘I love you’s. He’d fallen asleep, and SeungRi had spent the better part of an hour savouring the feeling.
He still couldn’t bring it in himself to feel bad just yet, even as JiYong was pulling out of his driveway at four in the morning, leaving what he’d thought to have been a sleeping SeungRi alone in the bed.
---
JiYong thinks a kiss is enough for an apology. No “I’m sorry” or “forgive me”. Just a kiss and a half-sheepish smile.
SeungRi is stupid enough to accept it, accepting the unheard apologies and forgiving him anyway. Over and over he does this, feeling a new tear in his heart rip apart with every time. He tells himself that JiYong’s just like this, that it’s his way of feeling remorseful. He tells himself he’s lucky to even get this much, to have stuck around for so long.
The kiss lingers on SeungRi’s lips, and he closes his eyes and touches his lips, trying and failing to pretend as if it didn’t hurt, as if he didn’t care.
He doesn’t think it’s very healthy to be dying this slowly.
---
Alone.
SeungRi’s utterly alone and it’s cold. He shivers in his thin cotton t-shirt, rubbing his arms in an attempt to steal some warmth. The throbbing music can still be heard from behind him, behind the closed door to the club JiYong had dragged him to. He doesn’t know where his cell-phone is and he’s only got about a couple hundred won in his pocket. Nothing nearly enough to get him home. He resigns himself to his fate and begins his long trek home, cursing silently at nothing in particular.
He feels indignant and a little angry that JiYong had ditched him the moment they’d walked through the doors. Why bring him along anyway if he wasn’t going to spend time with him? SeungRi didn’t even like clubs, hated them really, and had only gone for JiYong anyway.
He could fully appreciate his stupidity now that he’s walking home alone at two in the morning.
---
It was an innocent mistake to waste my time on you.
When they say you’re not to go, they don’t care if you do.
In your shadow I fade.
---
Could SeungRi have really helped it? Falling for someone like Kwon JiYong? The enigmatic, the charismatic, the quiet genius Kwon JiYong?
What was SeungRi supposed to have done when JiYong had smiled so devilishly at him when he’d ordered his morning coffee and blueberry muffin? How could he have been able to resist the invitation to come out to the club when he got off his shift? Should he have really said no to the way JiYong’s lips felt against his skin, the way JiYong had felt pressed up against SeungRi back at SeungRi’s house?
How could he have known that he’d be just another fool that JiYong has hoodwinked? How was he supposed to have known that JiYong liked hurting most, playing second, and loving last?
It was a mistake, an innocent mistake. Surely, SeungRi shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions.
Not when he was drowning in pain and rejection, not when he could feel the ends of his control slip away from him, not when he was so close to just giving up entirely?
So much time, so much love, so much effort. All wasted in the hopes of curing the incurable Kwon JiYong. Of being the one to finally make Kwon JiYong see love.
---
“No, SeungRi. Don’t go.”
JiYong’s words are half-hearted even to SeungRi. JiYong’s hands firmly grab SeungRi’s, preventing him from reaching for his bag of his possessions.
“And why not?” SeungRi challenges, eyes angry as he struggles against JiYong’s hold.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it seem like a choice. You’re not allowed to leave.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.” JiYong’s eyes glint meanly, pushing SeungRi back from the door.
“Well I’m sorry to you for making it seem like your words mean anything to me anymore,” SeungRi grits out, pushing back and grabbing his bag, making his way to the door.
JiYong scoffs. “I don’t believe you. You hang off of my every word. I know you, SeungRi. I know that when I say I love you, you think that that means a single goddamn thing to me. When I say I’m sorry you think it’s for hurting you, when it’s really just because you’re so pathetic. When I say it’s only you, you think it’s a good thing, when what I really mean is that only you are idiotic enough to stay around for this long. I am everything to you, SeungRi.”
“Maybe,” SeungRi responds, halfway out the door. “But since that doesn’t mean a thing to you, I guess you don’t really care if I leave and don’t come back.”
SeungRi doesn’t turn back, but JiYong hadn’t watched him leave anyway.
---
SeungRi should have known better than to think that JiYong could learn to love him. JiYong was too great, too talented, so much larger than life. How could someone as small and insignificant as SeungRi ever hope to measure up to someone like JiYong, let alone ever be worthy of his love?
In JiYong’s shadow, SeungRi fades.
---
It’s a beautiful mess you’ve made.
You’ve had your fun and games.
I love you; do you love me so much less?
Now I’m left with this beautiful mess.
---