in which I make the remarks of a generally horrible person
Christmas worrying starting already, oy vey.
So this is my post in which I will sound like a bitch and a bit selfish and childish, but it's better that I get it out here than actually say these things out loud to people. Zach's parents are coming here for Christmas, which is awesome :-) I really want to avoid ever having to be in Iowa for Christmas ever again if I can. the last christmas there was just so awful. 7 adults in a small 3 bedroom house out in the middle of nowhere. a blizzard/ice storm that knocked out the power for 2 days. a mother in law (who, even though I love her) has personal boundary issues. in-laws who don't approve of getting drunk, so no where near enough alcohol to drink our way through two days of very overwhelmingly close family togetherness in the dimly-lit silence.
So I'm glad they're coming here. it'll be crowded, but there will be stuff to do and places to go so there's privacy at least for when they get overwhelming. I've got all the christmas presents made.
Now the bitchy part. So, since the summer, I've been dropping very direct hints about what I want for christmas to Zach. if anyone asks (like his folks) let them know I'd adore a hobby lobby gift card. I would LOVE an e-reader. Kindle or Nook, and if it would be the kindle fire or new nook, that'd be awesome, since we have 3 people using our 1 computer now, so i'd still be able to read my e-books and get on facebook without hogging the laptop all day and night. So I started mentioning that to him in the summer, and it seemed like he understood and it was one of those tacit agreements. scratch that seeming bit, he knew I wanted that and he intimated to me that that sounded like a wonderful idea, why don't you send me a link, etc. So I asked him recently what the spending cap was for christmas this year~if we were doing a dollar amount or a # of presents amount or what. His wedding ring isn't able to be re-sized and it's too big for him now, so I was considering buying him a new wedding band, or getting him some new tools and wood because he's taken up woodcarving as a hobby, or some wii games or movies he wanted, something like that. Nothing too crazy, especially if I found him a ring, because that'd end up being a couple hundred, but eh, you know, some stuff he'd like.
So he tells me that realistically, our spending cap should be 50 bucks each this year, and that he already has mine. which shouldn't bug me, but does. Partly because I'd gotten my hopes up about an e-reader (and thus hadn't planned on asking for anything else, so I have no clue what he might have gotten me, and even though it's supposed to be a surprise, I don't deal with surprises well) and partly because nothing I'd planned on getting him fits that category, unless I get him one wii game and that's it. I had about 90% decided on getting him a new wedding band, but that's not an option anymore. there's a woodcarving magazine he'd like a subscription to, but it's 30 bucks for 4 issues. only 4 issues a year for 30 bucks, and that just seems like too little. So I could get him a cut glove (so he doesn't hurt himself carving) and a movie he wanted, and that's like 45 bucks right there. it just is NOT how I imagined or had hoped this christmas would go. and I feel like a selfish bitch for thinking that, because I know there's lots of people unable to afford 50 bucks for presents and they have to make it go farther than just one person. I also know that, as much as he angsts about money, zach's gonna end up going to the party source with his dad and buying booze and cigars and pipe tobacco, because that's something he bonds with his dad over, and he'll buy a lot of it. and part of me is like, "I get it, it's a thing you do with your dad" but part of me is like "you bitch that we have no money, then you charge a couple hundred at the party source on stuff that will be gone in 2 weeks and then you'll bitch even more that you spent it" because that part of me, the selfish part, is thinking "if you're gonna blow a couple hundred bucks, why don't you spend it on something we can all enjoy or use?" and the REALLY selfish bitch part of me thinks "you can spend 200 bucks on booze and cigars, but 150 on an e-reader is too much?!"
I'm not proud of that selfish bitchy side of me. I try really hard not to let it out and to ignore it when it pops up. it's an ugly part of personality, but sometimes it's a very loud voice! especially when there's something I want that I wait on buying, and then come home to find that he's spent about the same amount in something he wanted. Like, I really tore into him when he bought the Wii. He wanted to buy one, I wanted to wait. I came home from work one night and he had it all set up, bought extra remotes and some games, and to smooth it over, bought an ipod nano all "i got something for you too so it's ok that I bought the wii, right?!" just faulty logic and bad judgment. because even though it was a nice gesture, an ipod nano is not something I had wanted or would have gotten for myself. I have no use for it, and it doesn't do the things I would want from an electronic anyway, so it was an $80 purchase to make the $250 purchase "ok" which just ended up being $330 I was unwilling to see spent in the first place. Quite frankly, just giving me the 80 bucks would have been better, because at least it wouldn't have been a waste of 80 bucks.
And that leads to another reason I'm irritated that he already got my christmas gift without knowing what i'd want besides the thing i'm not gonna get: he doesn't generally get me things that i'd want or use. I know that sounds ungrateful. but it's the thought that counts, and his thinking is often faulty. before he bought the nano, i'd looked at an ipod touch~because in addition to music, it does video and e-books and games and such. since touches were so expensive though, he figured the nano was a good substitute because, hey, it's an ipod, right? when he doesn't have guidance on what to get, he gets things he genuinely thinks i'd like, and i love him for that, but he's just frequently wrong. like, he knows i love doctor who. so one year, he got me a keychain that made the tardis noise and cybermen noise when you push different buttons. and it's like, thank you for knowing and caring about my interests, but this is a noisy toy for an 8 year old. but of course, i can't say that out loud because it's incredibly bitchy and he gets this look on his face like "did I do good?" So he ALWAYS gets a list of things I would like. So I have no clue of what to expect now, and I'm worried I'm gonna have to go all poker face on him with the "oh, I LOVE it!" response. and on one level I know I WILL love it, because I know he'll have tried, but if it's something of no use to me, i know that'll kind of tinge my thoughts.
So this is my post in which I will sound like a bitch and a bit selfish and childish, but it's better that I get it out here than actually say these things out loud to people. Zach's parents are coming here for Christmas, which is awesome :-) I really want to avoid ever having to be in Iowa for Christmas ever again if I can. the last christmas there was just so awful. 7 adults in a small 3 bedroom house out in the middle of nowhere. a blizzard/ice storm that knocked out the power for 2 days. a mother in law (who, even though I love her) has personal boundary issues. in-laws who don't approve of getting drunk, so no where near enough alcohol to drink our way through two days of very overwhelmingly close family togetherness in the dimly-lit silence.
So I'm glad they're coming here. it'll be crowded, but there will be stuff to do and places to go so there's privacy at least for when they get overwhelming. I've got all the christmas presents made.
Now the bitchy part. So, since the summer, I've been dropping very direct hints about what I want for christmas to Zach. if anyone asks (like his folks) let them know I'd adore a hobby lobby gift card. I would LOVE an e-reader. Kindle or Nook, and if it would be the kindle fire or new nook, that'd be awesome, since we have 3 people using our 1 computer now, so i'd still be able to read my e-books and get on facebook without hogging the laptop all day and night. So I started mentioning that to him in the summer, and it seemed like he understood and it was one of those tacit agreements. scratch that seeming bit, he knew I wanted that and he intimated to me that that sounded like a wonderful idea, why don't you send me a link, etc. So I asked him recently what the spending cap was for christmas this year~if we were doing a dollar amount or a # of presents amount or what. His wedding ring isn't able to be re-sized and it's too big for him now, so I was considering buying him a new wedding band, or getting him some new tools and wood because he's taken up woodcarving as a hobby, or some wii games or movies he wanted, something like that. Nothing too crazy, especially if I found him a ring, because that'd end up being a couple hundred, but eh, you know, some stuff he'd like.
So he tells me that realistically, our spending cap should be 50 bucks each this year, and that he already has mine. which shouldn't bug me, but does. Partly because I'd gotten my hopes up about an e-reader (and thus hadn't planned on asking for anything else, so I have no clue what he might have gotten me, and even though it's supposed to be a surprise, I don't deal with surprises well) and partly because nothing I'd planned on getting him fits that category, unless I get him one wii game and that's it. I had about 90% decided on getting him a new wedding band, but that's not an option anymore. there's a woodcarving magazine he'd like a subscription to, but it's 30 bucks for 4 issues. only 4 issues a year for 30 bucks, and that just seems like too little. So I could get him a cut glove (so he doesn't hurt himself carving) and a movie he wanted, and that's like 45 bucks right there. it just is NOT how I imagined or had hoped this christmas would go. and I feel like a selfish bitch for thinking that, because I know there's lots of people unable to afford 50 bucks for presents and they have to make it go farther than just one person. I also know that, as much as he angsts about money, zach's gonna end up going to the party source with his dad and buying booze and cigars and pipe tobacco, because that's something he bonds with his dad over, and he'll buy a lot of it. and part of me is like, "I get it, it's a thing you do with your dad" but part of me is like "you bitch that we have no money, then you charge a couple hundred at the party source on stuff that will be gone in 2 weeks and then you'll bitch even more that you spent it" because that part of me, the selfish part, is thinking "if you're gonna blow a couple hundred bucks, why don't you spend it on something we can all enjoy or use?" and the REALLY selfish bitch part of me thinks "you can spend 200 bucks on booze and cigars, but 150 on an e-reader is too much?!"
I'm not proud of that selfish bitchy side of me. I try really hard not to let it out and to ignore it when it pops up. it's an ugly part of personality, but sometimes it's a very loud voice! especially when there's something I want that I wait on buying, and then come home to find that he's spent about the same amount in something he wanted. Like, I really tore into him when he bought the Wii. He wanted to buy one, I wanted to wait. I came home from work one night and he had it all set up, bought extra remotes and some games, and to smooth it over, bought an ipod nano all "i got something for you too so it's ok that I bought the wii, right?!" just faulty logic and bad judgment. because even though it was a nice gesture, an ipod nano is not something I had wanted or would have gotten for myself. I have no use for it, and it doesn't do the things I would want from an electronic anyway, so it was an $80 purchase to make the $250 purchase "ok" which just ended up being $330 I was unwilling to see spent in the first place. Quite frankly, just giving me the 80 bucks would have been better, because at least it wouldn't have been a waste of 80 bucks.
And that leads to another reason I'm irritated that he already got my christmas gift without knowing what i'd want besides the thing i'm not gonna get: he doesn't generally get me things that i'd want or use. I know that sounds ungrateful. but it's the thought that counts, and his thinking is often faulty. before he bought the nano, i'd looked at an ipod touch~because in addition to music, it does video and e-books and games and such. since touches were so expensive though, he figured the nano was a good substitute because, hey, it's an ipod, right? when he doesn't have guidance on what to get, he gets things he genuinely thinks i'd like, and i love him for that, but he's just frequently wrong. like, he knows i love doctor who. so one year, he got me a keychain that made the tardis noise and cybermen noise when you push different buttons. and it's like, thank you for knowing and caring about my interests, but this is a noisy toy for an 8 year old. but of course, i can't say that out loud because it's incredibly bitchy and he gets this look on his face like "did I do good?" So he ALWAYS gets a list of things I would like. So I have no clue of what to expect now, and I'm worried I'm gonna have to go all poker face on him with the "oh, I LOVE it!" response. and on one level I know I WILL love it, because I know he'll have tried, but if it's something of no use to me, i know that'll kind of tinge my thoughts.