~Heien: Mat's Ruminations~
For as long as Mat could remember, he had grown up with Roni Fatima at his side. He was fairly certain that he had shared a cradle as well... such was the bond between the gentle Emperor Jeriah at the time and his loyal bodyguard, Jakob. It had been the start of a constant living and dying for the other, and while Mat had not understood it, he remembered reaching out to Jakob as if he was his mother. But then his own mother, the Emperess had not cared overly much about him, having gotten with him and then went back to her own court, leaving Mat bereft of any type of mother save for that which he could come up with. But Jakob would hold him and he liked that, those periods when it would be just him and Roni snuggled in Jakob's arms while his father went to take care of the constant source of paperwork.
But there were other things that impressed themselves in Mat's mind. Evenings of watching the fireworks from on top of the palace, sitting on the edge with a young Roni and exclaiming over the bursts of colour that phantomed them over the night sky, a look backwards and he would see his father locked in a tender embrace with Roni's father... as if they only fireworks they really needed was between each other. He did not envy it, but he thought it nice. Nice enough the next day to weasel his first kiss out of Roni to see what it was like, it hadn't been anything special, but that was because to a six year old boy, the act of kissing was not very exciting at all.
Picnics by the stream that wound through the royal courtyard, watching Roni train in sword fighting. Really Mat knew that he was luckier then most, for his father was not an emperor that went abroad for very long, and hence the danger was usually allayed. So Mat got to be with his father for awhile, lasting through hils childhood and even through most of his teen years. It was enough for him to realize what relationship Jeriah and Jakob had, and see it mirrored in Roni. It was easy for Mat to see Roni turn from a boy into a young man, and knowing that he was training to protect him.. that might of predisposed his inclinations toward the other boy. Enough that he didn't push him away when that kiss from nine years ago was taken back after long last, and the kiss was found to be much sweeter for it.
All it took was a year for things to change so completely. Just a few days before he turned sixteen, during one of the summer festivals, they all went out, usually clothed in plainsclothes to get out of the palace incognito. Something that Mat and Roni had not been a stranger too, since they'd been doing it for months to get out of the palace and go to the taverns in the city to get happily drunk. But at the festival, he remember a blur.. not really details but he could hear his father's sobbing and then felt as Roni's hand placed itself under his arm to lead him away to safety. The next morning it had been determined, it had been assasins that had come to take his father, and got Roni's father instead.
That was when Mathias knew exactly what sort of danger he would eventually put Roni in it. The days that followed were filled with the black palls and misery that seemed to come from one man, for Mathias knew that it had hit his father hard.. having to see the man that had been trained to protect him, come to an end. He watched his father pine away from the world, until all his father eventually knew was the darkness of the room that they once shared, and then after that.. death. An end that was wrought with pain and anguish for all involved.
That is when the distance started. That was when Mathias started trying to push Roni away, in attempt to make it so that it would hurt less when that happened. He was in an essence trying to govern his own feelings and Roni's as well, to make it hurt less in the eventualities that ruled over their lives. He did that for approximately 6 years, a long time indeed. In that time, Mat had taken an emperess and had gotten her with child.. almost the same thing that Roni had done, so that soon the palace was filled with two crying babies who seemed to quiet down when laid next to each other in the same crib.
Having a child made Mat realize how stupid it was to be fearful of the future, however there had been a rift that had grown between him and Roni and he undertook to breach it, sure they were in constant company of each other.. but it was nothing like what their fathers had, and he tried to fix it and make it right. It was with a bottle of sake that he undertook to do just that, and in his drunken state he had incoherantly mumbled apologies to his equally drunken bodyguard, because he sure as hell couldn't do it sober, but then those arms wrapped around him and he was willfully lost. The single most desire in him was make things right, and so they ended up making things right.. repeatedly, that entire night.
"But it all comes down to this.." Mat thought 12 years later as he held Roni firmly in his arms, he had not screamed as his father had, or burst into shuddering sobs, but there were tears coming down his face in abundance. He didn't even think to look over to where Hyuga was, knowing that Sigurd was probably keeping him safe. His eyes looked into those blue eyes grown so cloudy with the veil of death coming down slowly and realized this was the moment, the eventuality that he had tried to protect himself from. But now, all he could think of was the six wasted years, of pushing Roni away when he could of had more years had he not been stubborn. The 'I'll be waiting' caused tears to come faster even though his face remained a mask of calmness that wouldn't dare break in public. "I won't be long.." he murmured as he leaned down to very softly close those blue eyes that he knew now were unseeing, the last time he'd ever see those blue eyes in his adored one.
The funereal was a grand one, Mathias had spared no expense in making sure that his bodyguard and lover was spared no great honour for having protected the future Emperor, he did all of those resolutely.. and no one saw the tears that he shed every night. They gave him another bodyguard but he doubted he even spoke three words to him, it would never be Roni.. and really Roni had been the only protector he had wanted. He stayed busy for the next two years preparing his throne for Hyuga, for clauses that gave his younger cousin, Jin guardianship of Hyuga in the eventuality that he died.
And after loose ends were tied up, he let himself succumb. So that just after Hyuga had reached his fourteenth birthday, it was Hyuga that was summouned into his father's darkened chambers to hear his father's last wishes. They were there in counsel with each other for two hours, however when Hyuga emmerged, it was with his head bowed as he stepped very close to Sigurd's side and then that forehead fell against a strong shoulder as tears fell while the words remembered their way into his heart.
"My son.. never fear the future, because while things will happen, if you fear the future, you will lose your enjoyment of things that happen in the present.." and while Hyuga did not know exactly what that meant, he did slip into Sigurd's embrace and let himself cry.. returning the favor of two years ago. Now, Hyuga knew that they only had each other.
~~~
"The winter is cold and bitter
The chill lasts to the bone.
I haven't seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking..
And I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertone,
Never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go."
"If all of the strength,
And all the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this.
Full of grace.."