your eyes look like coming home
your eyes look like coming home; jongin/soojung | pg | ~4600w
romance | they grow up together sharing the same dream. what they don’t expect, though, is to fall apart before coming back together again.
✦
“why do you do ballet?” seven year old soojung wanders over to jongin, who’s sitting quietly in the corner of the studio lacing up his shoes. he’s the only boy in a class of girls, which would explain why pretty much all the girls give him a wide berth and refuses to befriend him. ew, boys don’t do ballet, only girls do! but mummy, it’s so weird to see a boy do ballet! he's heard all those whispers and more, but it doesn't get any easier each time.
mummy, why can’t boys do ballet?” he’d ask every time after class when she came to pick him up, mouth turned down in a frown and she’d have to console him.“it’s okay, it doesn’t mean anything, people are just jealous that you dance so well. one day when you grow up, you’re going to be one of the best dancers in the whole of korea, and then nobody will laugh at you, okay?”
looking up at soojung from his comfortable position on the floor, seven year old jongin replies, “because i like to dance, and my mummy says ballet is the basic of all styles.”
“basic?” soojung looks down at him enquiringly, her hands slowly threading through the laces of his ballet shoes and helping him put them on.
“yeah. like, i need to know ballet if i wanna be a good dancer.” jongin pouts in concentration, trying his best to tie the knot firmly and securely.
“oh. okay,” soojung says, all fleeting interest in jongin seemingly lost. “see you later during class!” she calls as she pirouettes away, all childish laughter and clumsiness, and jongin waves absentmindedly.
“yeah, see you," he calls after her, waving to her retreating back, all he can see of her.
not five seconds after she leaves, though, two other girls descend upon jongin. “ew, you’re such a sissy, i can’t believe you actually do ballet,” one of them sneers, her pretty face suddenly not as pleasing to jongin anymore.
“that’s right,” another one chimes in. “you’re a boy, aren’t you supposed to be doing boy things like hapkido?”
gaping, jongin looks up at both of them, at a loss for words because his seven year old brain can’t comprehend the fact that children this young know how to be so mean. “i…” somehow, he can’t reach a compromise - if he tells them what his mother often says, they’ll tease him for being a mummy’s boy. if he keeps silent, however, he’ll seem like he’s backing down from their unspoken challenge.
thankfully, a timely arrival appears in the form of soojung, her black hair whirling about her as she runs over. even though the teacher’s reminded her time and time again to put it up in a bun, her hair always comes mysteriously undone just before class. (then agian, jongin always pretends to not notice her rip off the elastic bands and bobby pins, shaking her long black hair free, because in his opinion she looks a lot prettier like that.)
“leave him alone, jessica,” she mutters, pulling on the arm of the first girl, trying her best to drag her older sister away. jessica tries her best to resist, giving jongin disdainful looks (she’s very good at those for a girl as young as she is) as soojung pulls her away. her other friend (‘tiffany’, jongin thinks she’s called) trails in their wake, pulling faces at jongin all the while.
upon seeing them gone, jongin sighs in relief and leans back against the wall of the studio, knowing it’s futile yet wishing things were different. i don't see why boys can't do ballet, he thinks bitterly to himself. what's so wrong about that?
soojung bites her lip as she reaches the door of the dance studio, looking back at the young boy curled up in the corner, knees hugged to his chest as if trying to shield himself from anything the world tries to throw at him.
“c’mon, stupid,” she says the next time they have ballet class, and jongin looks up at her so warily she almost regrets it for a second. her next words, though, cause his eyes to drop to the ground shyly as he nods without a word.
“since you can’t defend yourself against my sister, i’ll have to be your friend and protect you. stupid.”
‘stupid’ starts becoming her pet name for him after a while, and none of them bother trying to change it as they grow older. this is because of a multitude of reasons - the first one being convenience (it’s really easy to grow used to calling someone by a nickname you’ve had for them ever since they were seven), the second one being the fact that jongin really is stupid sometimes. (the time he gave her a spider as a birthday present springs to mind - she had screamed so loudly their parents thought he’d hurt her.) stupid, stupid kim jongin. her best friend.
✦
hey, soojung?” the voice of ten year old jongin cuts through the quiet darkness of her bedroom, where she’s snuggled up on her bed under the covers and he’s in a sleeping bag on the floor. this is just another of their weekly sleepovers, which have been a tradition ever since they were eight years old. this is the perfect age, their parents agree - old enough to be mature and stop fighting all the time over petty things, young enough to not know anything about falling in love.
“what do you want, stupid,” she answers, but jongin knows she’s listening. their friendship has always been something like this - jongin is earnest and eager to please and soojung is the exact opposite, all skeptical looks and cutting remarks. still, jongin knows she cares, because of the countless times he’s gotten injured while dancing or playing sports and all the times she’d rushed unfailingly to his side to provide companionship and comfort.
“i was thinking…. what if one day, i auditioned for sm entertainment? do you think they’d accept me?” the words hang heavy in the darkness. soojung takes a few counts to reply, and for a moment jongin doubts himself. no, this is a stupid and impossible dream, i really shouldn’t have told anyone.
“of course, stupid. i believe in you. now can we please go to sleep? we have ballet classes tomorrow at 8 a.m., you idiot, and i’m not about to spend half the night whispering away with you.”
that night, jongin falls asleep with a grin on his face. he almost doesn’t manage to wake up in time the next morning, but soojung throws a pillow right in his face and attempts to suffocate him before helping him up with a small smile and shoving him in the direction of the bathroom.
✦
jongin dances with a dream in mind; bright lights of the stage and audience applause the only thing that keeps him going. on good days, he glides through all the routines so smoothly and flawlessly that everyone watching is left startled. on good days he is golden, a wonder to behold; on bad days, however, he slips and falls countless times. occasionally, he twists an ankle or sprains a wrist, no longer a stranger to pain and injury. his Achilles' heel, though, is his waist - a long standing, recurring injury that flares up all too frequently for his liking. on bad days, jongin teeters on the edge of falling apart, functioning more of a sum of his parts rather than a complete human being.
needless to say, jongin hates the bad days. right now he's thirteen, and the good days are becoming fewer and further between. nowadays it seems as if he's only just adequate, merely scraping through instead of shining as brightly as he used to. "i'm no longer brilliant," he says to soojung one day after masterclass, and she just picks up his bag full of sweaty clothes and laughs as she swings it at him.
"don't be ridiculous, you're still as good as ever to me."
he dodges, laughing at her ridiculous aim, and for a moment the world is clear and bright and he is truly happy.
soojung, however, provides a stark contrast to jongin in terms of dance. “i only wanted to take up ballet because i thought it looked pretty,” she ever told jongin, so long ago the year itself is murky. “i mean, i really liked those ballet classes and all, but i could never love dancing the way you do.” jongin had nodded and smiled, and they’d left it at that because really, none of them knew what else to say. yes, soojung dances better than the average girl (she’d taken eight years worth of ballet classes before dropping out), but her movements lack the raw passion and energy jongin’s possess.
jongin knows he can’t begrudge soojung the chance to branch out and try new things. yet at the same time, he can’t help but feel a tiny bit of resentment and confusion - dancing means the world to him. how is it possible for soojung to just throw it away as if it were nothing but a mere annoyance?
(the answer, as he learns many years later on, is that his heart and soul is dedicated to dancing. he’s one of the lucky ones, because that means at least he knows where his heart lies. it’s just that soojung is one of many people that haven’t found their true passion yet.)
✦
as they tumble into their thirteenth and fourteenth years of life, jongin can’t help but notice that he and soojung are growing distant. he’d expected it, of course, since they’d gone to separate high schools - soojung attends a prestigious all-girls’ school, one of the best in seoul, whereas he’d gone to an all-boys’ school not far from his house. not the best, maybe, but still good enough to provide a decent education and allow him to pursue his passion for dance at the same time. high school life is busy, he thinks to himself ruefully as he walks back from school one day. with their hectic school lives and his burning desire to be one of the best dancers, the two of them have rarely gotten the chance to talk. even their regular friday sleepovers have been cancelled, studies and homework taking priority over spending time with a childhood friend.
jongin can’t help but feel a little sad at how fast the world is moving, with or without them.
✦
weeks and months pass without even a hint of soojung’s existence. jongin wonders if this is what life without her was like - boring and lonely, without a reliable friend to talk to or laugh with. jongin without soojung feels weird - it’s like they’ve been a pair for so long that being without her makes him feel incomplete. so, one day, when he sees an incoming call from her on the screen of his phone, he doesn’t hesitate to pick up eagerly.
“hello, soojung? i miss you, we haven’t spoken in ages,” he chirps into the phone, delighted that at least she still remembers him.
“hey, yeah, jongin, listen, i’ve been accepted into sm entertainment,” she squeals, and suddenly it feels like someone’s poured a bucket of ice water down his shirt when he wasn’t looking.
“you have?” he questions tentatively, not sure what the appropriate response is. “wow, that’s cool, i’m really glad for you,” jongin offers lamely, and even to him these words sound weak and forced, unfamiliar on his tongue.
“yeah, my family was shopping at myeongdong and for some reason there were scouts there! jessica joined sm, too, but they didn't exactly want her at first. they wanted me," here both of them take a quick laugh at jessica's expense, and for a moment it feels like nothing between them's ever changed.
and yet the moment is transient, only lasting long enough for jongin to look back fleetingly on the past and rue the loss of time spent together with his best friend. "thought i’d just call to tell you and share the good news, you know? don’t worry, your chance to shine will come,” soojung laughs, and jongin’s heart aches. “you’re auditioning to sm, right?”
“yeah, i am,” he replies, and if soojung notices the uncommon way he’s speaking in monosyllables she doesn’t show it.
“don’t worry, stupid, you’ll get there. i believe in you,” she says cheerfully, and that little seed of resentment in jongin just gets a little bit bigger.
easy for you to say, you’ve already been accepted to sm. meanwhile i’m slogging my guts out for five hours every single day just so i’ll be good enough for them to even consider me.
when he hangs up the phone, all of his unsaid words and rage leave a weight on his heart and an ache in his head.
“fuck, this isn’t fair.”
✦
they eventually stop talking - soojung’s too busy with vocal lessons and intensive dancing lessons (to her immense displeasure) as well as how to be an idol everyone will love. jongin, meanwhile, is still busy dancing, filming audition tapes and sending them in to sm entertainment by the truckload.
“you never talk to soojung anymore,” his mother says, worry in her face.
“it’s fine, she’s busy, i don’t wanna disturb her.” he replies curtly, and the conversation about soojung ends.
sometimes jongin misses soojung. other days, he thinks he’s really just stupid (her nickname for him!) for even thinking that way.
✦
after countless months of aching muscles and sweat-soaked shirts, soojung's words come true and jongin gets accepted to sm entertainment. "finally," his mother beams and his father nods. "i knew you'd make it there someday, jongin-ah. it was only a matter of time."
jongin grins, the immense satisfaction and happiness something he's never felt before. I finally made it, he screams to himself. all those days and nights spent dancing weren't for nothing.
"soojung would be proud of you," his father adds, his smile causing wrinkles to crinkle up at the corner of his eyes. "the two of you'll be training together now, right?"
"yeah, we will," jongin smiles, trying hard to ignore the burning desire to pick up the phone and dial that familiar number.
"that's good," his mother interjects. "I'd worry less if the two of you were together, at least you can watch out for each other."
i’d worry a lot less, too.
✦
trainee life is hard. school in the morning, vocal and dance training in the afternoon all the way to evening, homework and revision at night. every single day his schedule is so packed, it's impossible to even take a breather and relax. so this is what soojung went through, jongin muses to himself, thinking about days in the past when the two of them were still innocent and unburdened. even though he'd expected to run into her at least once, sm building is huge, almost like a maze of corridors and rooms, a labyrinth so easy to get lost in. he's been training for about six months already, diligently going back to that tiny room every day after school, yet he's never once seen soojung around. of course, there've been rumours that she's preparing for debut along with four other girls, and they'll be forming a group named f(x). rumours do travel fast in sm after all, regardless of whether it's a relationship scandal or rumours of debut.
jongin wonders whether soojung is doing okay, and ponders whether it's still his right to know.
✦
f(x) debuts on 5 september, 2009. jongin sneaks out on an afternoon of dance practice to watch them sing and dance to “la cha ta” on music bank, liking the electronic feel of the song almost immediately. as he watches with sweaty palms and keyed-up nerves, the emcee annouces f(x)’s arrival, and almost immediately his eyes are drawn to soojung.
she looks so different in these neon clothes and high-topped sneakers, face buried under layers of foundation and eyeliner, yet at the end of the day she is still his soojung and sometimes it really hurts to think about what they could have had if they hadn’t drifted apart.
soojung looks especially pretty under bright lights and while dancing to the applause of many, many fans. jongin’s heart clenches, just for a moment, as he realises how much he misses her.
he leaves the venue quietly immediately after they go offstage, not wanting to stay any longer than he has to. as soon as he steps out of the concert hall, though, he takes out his phone and taps out a quick message to her, sending it off before regret sets in.
great job up there.
the reply he gets a few hours later (after she’s removed all her makeup and cried out all her happiness at finally being able to debut) makes him smile.
thank you, stupid. i miss you.
✦
months and years pass and finally, news of exo’s debut starts flying around sm building. over the course of time, jongin’s met several other trainees such as junmyeon, yixing and sehun, all of which he can count as his closer friends. none of them, though, have actually managed to achieve a friendship similar than that of the one he used to have with soojung, and it makes jongin a little sad to think about how irreplaceable she is to him.
however, being so close to debut means that there isn’t really much time or energy left to think about soojung. their trainings get even more hectic, schedules jam-packed with extra vocal lessons, dancing lessons, acting, hosting, emcee-ing, every single thing that exists in the entertainment industry. at the end of every day, jongin’s honestly so exhausted that he can’t even see straight, much less have the solitude and silence to spare a moment to himself.
“do you have a girlfriend?” sehun had asked him once, his lisp and uncertainties evident in his voice. “i had one, before i became a trainee - sm told me i’d have to give her up, though, if i wanted to debut. said trainees weren’t allowed to date,” he grimaces, and jongin wonders if both of them are thinking of the same thing.
is this going to be worth it? did we throw away our youth for nothing?
but jongin is nothing if not optimistic, so he packages these thoughts away under a lock and throws away the key (metaphorically, of course).
“no, i don’t.” he answers, and tries hard not to think of soojung, her face and her laugh and everything that makes her so unique and special to him.
✦
exo finally debuts and jongin couldn’t be happier - they appear onto the music bank stage with gel in their hair and sparkles in their eyes, hope and dreams that can’t be dimmed. the familiar notes of the song (mama, mama) resound in his head and his feet take over the dance steps for him, so used to the routine that it’s almost become unconscious thought. the six of them end their stage to the cheering and applause of fans, and as jongin looks out onto the sea of multicoloured lightsticks and bands, he realises how big of a milestone this day is, how it’s a day he’ll never forget.
great job, stupid, soojung texts to say. you looked good on that stage.
jongin tries hard to ignore how happy this simple message makes him feel.
✦
want to meet up for coffee? soojung texts him out of the blue one day after their mama promotions have ended, and jongin reels back in shock before realising that this is just soojung, the girl he grew up with.
ok. that cafe near sm building?
i know which one. k, see you tomorrow.
what time? i have dance practice but it’ll end ~8pm
10pm, then? if it’s not too late for you.
ok. see ya.
the next day, jongin sneaks out of the dorm once again, putting on a thick jacket and cap not only to shield him from the cold, but also from the eagle eyes of their fans. slipping into the warmth of the cafe, he orders a warm black macchiato and settles into a table in the corner, waiting for soojung to arrive.
and soon enough, she does, with a cap on just like him, sashaying in and ordering some gross espresso before plopping down in the chair opposite. in that moment before she looks up at him, jongin takes a little while to admire her, the way her hair falls over her face and into her eyes. the way she sits, perched on the edge of the chair, as if ready to get up and go any time. all these things that he’d noticed about her ever since childhood, things he’s not ready to let go of yet.
“so,” he breaks the silence, watching the way she finally looks up and meets his eyes. “have you… how’ve you been lately?” it’s a stupid question, though; he can tell from her eyebags and puffy eyes that she hasn’t been sleeping much lately, and if her skinny wrists and non-existent waist is anything to go by, he can tell that she hasn’t been eating much either.
“busy,” she laughs mirthlessly, running a hand through her hair frustratedly the way she’s done ever since they were eleven. “sometimes i really wonder why i became an idol.”
jongin laughs, teasing, “same. i always thought you were too lazy.”
soojung grins back, the awkwardness in the air somewhat dispelled. “shut up!”
jongin smiles back, all teeth and no facades, tells her about kai and how his stage persona is so different from his actual personality. he tells her about how baekhyun and chanyeol always get into fights about chanyeol’s snoring and how luhan looks five years younger than he actually is. he tells her about kris’s chronic bitchface and how kyungsoo’s eyes are forever wide open. in return, soojung tells him about krystal and how she’s supposed to be stronger than what she actually is. she tells him anecdotes about victoria’s ahjumma habits and amber’s liveliness, about luna’s optimism and jinri’s infectious cheeriness. at the end of their conversation, the both of them are holding sides aching with laughter, and to jongin it feels so much like their distant past that it hurts.
“look, soojung,” he says abruptly, interrupting her giggles. “there’s something i wanted to tell you. when you were scouted, i was jealous. and i know it was really long ago, but since this is the first time i’ve talked to you in really long, i guess i just want to be honest. i was really mad, and i felt like it was so unfair…”
“it’s fine,” soojung cuts him off. “i sort of knew, to be honest. i knew you were mad at me, and i felt so bad after i put down the phone. i realised i was actually rubbing it in your face, which was such a bitchy thing to do. and i really wanted to call to apologise, but…”
“you were too proud to,” jongin finishes her sentence, mischeviously smiling at her and not at all minding the slap he gets in return. “yeah, i got it.”
“stupid,” soojung growls as she playfully slaps him again.
“so, friends?” jongin ventures tentatively once the flurry of slaps have died down, and soojung rewards him with one of her rare smiles.
“since when did we ever stop?” soojung replies, holding her arms out for a hug. it surprises jongin, because soojung has never really been a person who enjoys skinship or excessive touches with anyone, for that matter. still, he steps into her arms, realising how tiny she is with a jolt. he’s grown much taller than her, so much so that she can only rest her head comfortably on his chest, even in her platform shoes. as jongin moves to wrap arms around her, he realises just how narrow her waist is, and his heart hurts. no matter how hard soojung tries to pretend that she is invulnerable, her physical fragility already serves as a blaring reminder to the contrary.
jongin looks down at soojung, all droopy large eyes and white, straight teeth bared in a small smile, long black hair falling straight down and thrown carelessly over one shoulder. gently, he draws her a little closer to himself, putting a hand under her chin and raising her gaze up to meet his. his heart pounds in his chest and he knows that if he goes through with this nothing’s ever going to be the same between them, but still it can’t hurt to try.
it’s not worth throwing my youth away just so i can debut. i want to be a normal teenage boy, with his very own first love and chance of heartbreak. i don’t want to be kai, i want to be kim jongin, and i want her to be my jung soojung instead of korea's krystal.
soojung doesn’t say a word, just looks up and meets his eyes almost as if she knows what he’s going to do. slowly, jongin leans down
and presses his lips to hers, giving her time to pull away if she wanted.
she doesn’t.
somehow, standing in a shady corner of that small cafe with soojung in his arms cradled close to his heart, jongin thinks he couldn’t be happier.
✦
the next time they share a stage, it’s at smtown los angelos, both of them running over the stage and waving to fans. jongin stares at the large screen, watching his miniature self mimic whatever he’s really doing, thinking of how bizzare everything is and how far both he and soojung have come.
“come on dreamer, time to go over for the final bow,” luhan says, coming over to him with sehun in tow. his words interrupt jongin’s thoughts, and while jongin tries to gather his wits back about him he realises luhan's already pulling him over to the long line of smtown artistes. somehow, he and soojung end up next to each other, hands linked, up high in the air before coming down and bending over ninety degrees to a roaring audience.
jongin grips her hand in his a little tighter, fingers interlaced with hers so that there isn’t any gap between their digits. looking over, he smiles at her, and she smiles back before squeezing her hand in his.
“what are you doing, stupid, just wait till delusional fans start posting pictures and fanfiction of us online,” she hisses, but it lacks her usual bite and jongin just laughs. really, so many years on, and nothing about them has changed at all. it’s fine though; he really wouldn’t have it any other way.
end