The Distance to Here (1/1) NC-17
JE Fic
Title: The Distance to Here (1/1)
Pairing: Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya
Genre RPF, slash
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 5,839
Summary: In the aftermath of "Driven," Jin and Kame navigate rocky waters.
A/N: This is the requested sequel to "Driven" so fair warning that there is angst and smut. This is not PWP, and the ending may be surprising.
Big thanks to Kou for all the feedback.
Still shuddering, Kame rolled off Jin to collapse on his back beside him on the bed. He lay there for a while, chest heaving, and he waited for his vision to clear, and dreaded the moment when thought would come back to him after the delirium of the last hour - he dreaded the moment when he would have to decide everything that came next...
After several minutes - or was it hours? - he felt Jin finally stir beside him. Kame didn't have the energy to spare him any attention, but he knew that Jin had picked his head up from where Kame had pressed it into the pillow, and that he had turned to face him. And then he felt Jin's delicate touch on him, sliding against the drying sweat, finding his collar bone and stroking it in tiny, tiny gentle caresses. Kame was unable to suppress a shiver that had nothing to do with being cold.
"Kazu-chan," he heard Jin begin softly in a hushed voice - a scared voice - Kame realized with a thrill of shock. He could hear Jin swallow audibly, and then his voice came slowly and frightened, as though from far away. "Do you really hate me?"
The question hung in the air between them like a tangible thing.
"Kazu-chan? Do you really hate me?"
Kame covered his eyes with his forearm and did not respond.
~*~
After that night in Ryo's bathroom, Kame avoided Jin for the better part of a week.
Can we talk?
I have to see you.
I need to talk to you. Please call me.
Every day, Jin sent him text messages that he ignored. Calls that he didn't answer. He deleted the voicemails without listening to them, but he read every text.
We need to talk.
Please don't do this, Kame. Talk to me.
and then finally: I'm sorry.
It wasn't hard to avoid Jin; he was so busy that there was little time left for much else but work and sleep. But eventually, they had to occupy the same space, and Kame steeled himself to face Jin again. He still felt ill each time he thought about what had happened in that bathroom, and his revulsion was compounded by the sick sense that somehow...he'd enjoyed himself.
But he couldn't avoid Jin forever, so he looked up one afternoon to find Jin watching him in the mirror of the dressing room before a photo shoot. Their eyes met in the mirror long enough for Kame to note the circles under Jin's eyes and that he looked rather pale as he stood there, head cocked to one side, hands in his pockets, looking like he'd lost his best friend. Then, as he felt the rising flood of anger and shame warm his cheeks, Kame turned quickly to Koki in the chair beside him as makeup artists applied finishing touches for them both. In no time, they were laughing uproariously, while Jin watched them, now from his own seat in front of the long mirror. Kame felt the heat of his stare, but when he finally looked over, Jin's eyes were closed, his head tipped back as a woman worked on his hair, and Kame saw only the smooth shuttered face in the reflection.
~*~
"I'm driving you home," Jin said, as he watched Kame shrug into his jacket.
"Fuck off," Kame retorted, without looking at him. "I'll catch a taxi." His voice was quiet and absent as he hunted through his pockets for cigarettes and lighter before pushing the door of the restaurant open and stepping out into the cool night air. Jin followed, a few paces behind and Kame hunched his shoulders inside his roomy coat, turning the collar up against the light breeze. He stepped off to the side and tapped a cigarette out into one hand and fumbled at the lighter before he realized that Jin stood beside him, offering him a light, slender fingers cupped around the flame. Swallowing his bile, Kame bent his head to accept the light and took a long drag as he started walking away. He ignored Jin's also-smoking presence beside him as he shoved one hand into a pocket of his jeans, but ignoring him didn't make Jin disappear.
Kame had gone out with friends just for a few hours on a night when he knew Jin was busy because he was exhausted from the strain of always looking over his shoulder and wondering if Jin would be there. Jin rarely was, but his mind was playing tricks on him, because he still felt like he was being watched. And worse, sometimes he found himself actually hoping that he would look up and see Jin. So to dull his tightly-wound nerves, he'd had a bit to drink, and he was just beginning to relax, when he looked up to see Jin warmly greeted by the assembled crowd as he slid into an empty seat further down the table. At first, neither of them looked at each other, but eventually, Kame looked up from his glass into the long mirror that lined the opposite wall of the private room Ueda had reserved in the restaurant, and he caught Jin watching him with a funny, hurt expression. Kame quickly looked down into the amber liquid at the bottom of his glass, and tipping it back, downed it all in one gulp, praying for numbness to swiftly overtake him and stave off the sudden flood of nervous anticipation.
When Kame finally got up to leave, it was no suprise, then, that Jin followed him out, making a nuisance of himself, when all Kame wanted to do was get the fuck away. Kame veered toward the curb and raised his hand to hail a taxi as they approached the street corner. Jin caught his wrist, and Kame threw him a poisonous look.
"Let go of me, asshole."
Jin just gazed back at him with those dark, dark beautiful eyes and didn't release him. Kame stared at Jin's hand tight about his slender wrist; it was the first time they had touched since that night. He closed his eyes for just an instant, hating Jin and hating himself as he felt his body begin to betray him, tendrils of heat beginning to spiral up his arm from that point of contact. Jin started walking very quickly, dragging Kame along behind him, as Kame fruitlessly struggled to free himself.
"Get off me," he growled as Jin pulled him down a dark, narrow street. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Jin yanked him around and pushed him against a car that Kame realized only at the last second was Jin's. Jin threw his cigarette onto the pavement, squashing it out underfoot, and he trapped Kame against the car with his gaze. The remote chirped, and there was the sound of the car doors unlocking.
"You don't get it, do you?" Kame ground out, not looking at Jin. Instead, he took a drag on the cigarette and stared down the dark street that was more like an alley and gritted his teeth against the effect that Jin's nearness had on him. This was why he'd avoided Jin for so long. This sudden intoxication of proximity was having a dangerous effect on Kame's body and brain, the latter of which was shutting down rapidly. Kame tried to focus on the street lights at the end of the alley and the cars passing by.
"Get in," Jin said shortly, as he swiftly walked around to the driver's side.
Kame finished his cigarette and climbed in.
*
Jin was silent as he pulled the car back into traffic, and Kame leaned his head against the window and gazed out at the lights of the city speeding by. When he heard the scrape of windshield wipers, he realized it had started to rain, and that Jin was, not unexpectedly, not driving him home. Kame didn't bother to ask where they were going, because he didn't think Jin would tell him.
He huddled against the passenger side door and with his right hand traced patterns against the window, following the tracks of rain that streaked the glass like tears. Tokyo disappeared behind them and finally it was dark, dark, and he was very weary as he pressed his flushed cheek to the cool surface beneath his fingertips. How could he feel so tired and yet so wound up - all at the same time? He had no idea what was going to happen, and there was a part of him that was excited by this as they hurtled toward some unknown, unknowable destination. And yet, he also shrank away. He was afraid of what Jin brought out in him; this dark, suffocating longing and a desperate need to surrender himself to something that threatened to swallow him whole - it was too much. It didn't make any sense, and it couldn't be good for him. Suddenly, Kame wondered what had happened - what had changed between them. They were certainly never like this before.
We were children before, he admitted to himself. Now...we're not. That was all he managed to conclude by the time Jin pulled off the road and into a secluded overlook. There was still the orange glow of the city in the sky, but it felt like they were far, far away from anything resembling civilization. Kame didn't move as Jin parked the car and killed the engine.
“Kazuya," Jin began and even Kame who didn't want to, could hear the tightness in his voice. Kame did his best to ignore Jin and his own rising tension as he pressed his fingertips against glass.
"What do I have to do?" Jin asked quietly, and Kame heard him shifting to face him.
Kame laughed mockingly and rolled his eyes in the dark. "That's easy," he replied. "Leave me the fuck alone. What part of that do you not understand?"
"I can't," Jin said, and something in his tone made Kame roll his head on the headrest to look over his shoulder at him. Jin's eyes glittered darkly in the faint light, and Kame had the strangest feeling that Jin was looking at his mouth. Unconsciously, Kame raised one hand to touch his own lips which felt numb from the alcohol, but then Jin's fingers were there, pulling his hand away and replacing it with his own.
Jin's long fingers slid along his cheek and his thumb slowly stroked Kame's lower lip, the warmth of his skin bleeding into Kame’s skin, as Jin's hand cupped him. Kame almost didn't realize that he had leaned into Jin's touch and that he'd parted his lips until he felt Jin's thumb questing further, pushing gently against his tongue to pick up the moisture of saliva which he then slicked over the fullness of Kame's lower lip.
Kame closed his eyes against the cruelty of Jin's warm hand and fingers, for the caress was so gentle and tender and sensual, without asking for anything more. He did not know how long they sat like that in the dark with Jin's thumb just stroking over his mouth, across, up, down, across again, in broad strokes, and in tiny, tiny movements against the delicate corners, while his palm was wide and warm against Kame's jaw, the tips of Jin's fingers touching the sensitive skin just below his ears, and it was all so comforting and inviting that Kame lost himself to it, until he came to his senses to realize that he was rubbing himself into Jin's palm in some kind of incoherent, mindless motion, and that Jin's thumb was now in his mouth against his tongue, and his mouth was open and softly gasping in shallow, shallow breaths.
Jin stilled, and Kame felt something shift between them, a shiver of heat, of expectation, of urgency - and then, with just the briefest hesitation, Jin surged toward him and Kame felt himself falling and falling as Jin's arm curled around his shoulders to draw him in, and his hand cradled Kame's head and Jin's mouth covered Kame's mouth and they were kissing in the dark.
*
Jin kissed Kame slowly, terrified that Kame would pull back any second and freeze him out. That was the worst part about the last couple weeks. Their encounter in Ryo's bathroom had come out of the blue and blown his mind, and every day that went by, Jin grew more desperate to get through to Kame, but obviously, Kame wasn't willing to play this game. And yet...
And yet...Kame was here now, in the circle of his arm, warm beneath his hands and Kame's mouth was soft and pliable, but Jin didn't press the advantage, letting his fingertips trail down Kame's throat in tiny swirls. He wanted Kame to want this..to want him. Jin opened his eyes.
"Kazu," he breathed, massaging his hand against Kame's scalp. Kame made a small sound that curled Jin's toes, and then to Jin's surprise, he reached out and grabbed a fistful of Jin's shirt, pulling him closer, and opening his mouth. Jin bit off a groan as he felt Kame's tongue slide against his and he tasted like cigarettes and beer, but it was strangely not unpleasant, because behind it there was something that was all Kame and sweet and addictive and Jin just wanted to taste that all the time. Jin felt his hands tightening on Kame as he tried to hold back, but when he felt Kame shiver in one long, undulating quiver beneath his touch, it was too late and he pushed forward, crashing Kame's head back onto the headrest.
Their mouths splayed against each other, and Kame's tongue was driving him mad and making him lose any shreds of control...Jin fumbled at the open jacket, tugging and pulling at fabric until he found skin and he slid his hands inside and up, curving around the ribcage, finding a nipple, stroking and stroking anything to make Kame shiver like that again.
"Kazu-chan," he begged. "Can I--" he couldn't think enough to get the words out. "Do you want--" He hoped that his hand that was already working at Kame's belt buckle was enough to communicate what he wanted, and he didn't wait for an answer as Kame's hands clutched at him. "Please," Jin whispered.
A few minutes later, Jin had the seats pushed as far back as they would go and reclined and he sprawled over Kame as the space allowed, his tongue teasing Kame's nipple while one hand fumbled inside Kame's low slung cargo pants until his hand closed around hot hard flesh which he pulled out as gently as he could, but still, the angle was awkward and he could feel Kame wince a bit, but Jin kept flicking his tongue at Kame's tiny nipple while his hand relished the smooth heat and throb of Kame's arousal until Kame was vibrating and gasping beautifully once more.
The sound of Kame's soft gasps sent a flicker of white-hot pleasure through Jin and he actually began to salivate, as his lips followed the slight, hollow groove that was carved into Kame's beautiful trembling torso, until he came to what he was longing for. Jin closed his eyes for a moment, and pressing his cheek to the quivering skin of Kame's belly below his navel, he silently mouthed a prayer of gratitude while Kame's hand crept into his hair and pushed at him ever so slightly. Jin wanted him. Jin wanted this, and as though in a dream, he lowered his mouth to the throbbing prize that awaited him, and he was rewarded by Kame's sudden, gratifyingly loud moan. He teased the head at first, swirling his tongue around hungrily, probing at the small opening and tasting the leaking salty fluid before he plunged down and sucked hard, reveling in the fierce shudder that shook Kame's entire body. The small hands in his hair tightened almost painfully, but Jin did not give a fuck for anything anymore except this in his mouth, this to wrap his tongue around, this heat and desire and Kame's beautiful, perfect incoherent sounds that fucked at Jin's brain and drove him beyond the limits of his sensation when he could no longer feel his mouth, but he could only feel Kame's hardness swelling impossibly within the wet ring of his lips. Then he heard Kame's voice crying out heartrendingly, and Jin tasted Kame in a sudden, hot flood.
*
When Kame opened his eyes, it was to find Jin awkwardly curled up so that his head was a heavy, warm weight against Kame's stomach - in fact, the pressure on his diaphragm was making it just a little hard to breathe. The aftershocks of orgasm were still there as tiny tremors, now fading, but ignoring them, he pushed until Jin lifted his head and looked up at him in vague puzzlement. Kame suddenly felt suffocated in the close, humid air of the car, and as Jin moved off him, he reached down and clumsily tucked himself away and pushed up to a seated position, fumbling at the car door. He was only vaguely aware of Jin staring at him confusion as he stumbled out into the rain.
Kame welcomed the cool wetness of drizzling rain that washed down his hot, feverish cheeks. He stood there for a moment, eyes blind to everything before him, until he lowered into a crouch. Pressing his face against his knees, he wrapped his arms around his head and just huddled there for a long time, rocking slightly as the rain seeped into his clothes and slicked his skin. A sick roiling feeling had replaced the post-orgasmic euphoric glow and his stomach was suddenly twisted up in a hard knot. Kame felt dangerously close to the edge of something dark and frightening, a terrifying precipice that was causing him to lose all self-control; silently he choked on self-loathing, and half-wished that the penetrating rain would wash everything away and leave him clean and empty.
At last, he felt the brush of warm fingers against the back of his neck, and Kame slowly lifted his head, lowering his arms to encircle his knees, and he watched warily as Jin dropped into a crouch in front of him, his slanted dark eyes watching him with concern. Jin reached out the very short distance between them and hesitantly stroked the hair back from his face while Kame stared back at him blankly. Jin said nothing, somehow knowing that there was nothing that could be said, and Kame shivered beneath his touch with a sense of despair. Even now, he was once again responding to Jin's nearness, to Jin's touch, and it was like a flare of lightning between them. He struggled helplessly against the desire that began to come in waves as Jin's hand lingered against the side of his face. He hated it. He didn't understand why this was happening now. Everything with Jin was water beneath the bridge, old history, a different life. He had moved on and the space between them had widened until it had finally settled into a kind of professionalism that allowed them work together without any of the old unsettling undercurrents. But this...this was beyond unsettling. It was a dark, disorienting confusion of obsessive need and Kame railed against it. How had it happened? How? As he stared into Jin's unfathomable eyes, he felt himself uncoiling, moving forward, even while he screamed at himself to run away. He didn't want this. He didn't want this. The voice in his head shrieked in protest as Kame seized Jin's head in his small hands and kissed him.
*
Jin had been the one to pull them up from their crouch on the wet, rain-soaked ground, but it was Kame who twisted and turned them until Jin was stumbling backward and crashing into the side of the car, gasping into Kame's mouth as the breath was knocked out of him. And then everything came fast, way too fast. Kame's tongue was electric and Jin was rock-hard in a dizzying instant as Kame ground his pelvis into him. It was all a confusion of lips and tongue and teeth grazing Jin's throat, and he slid against the slippery side of the car when Kame pushed him back again, hands working at his pants and pushing them down past his hips and around his upper thighs. Kame wrapped one hand around Jin's erection, which was already slick from the rain and began to stroke him with greedy, ungentle fingers. Jin stifled a cry and stared into Kame's dark, feral eyes which held a wildness that both excited him and frightened him, and he was powerless to do anything more than try not to come immediately from the unbearable friction.
"Kazu, wait--" he broke off, wincing at the roughness.
"Do you want me to stop?" Kame's voice was so much broken glass, all glittering sharp edges.
"No-" Jin gasped as Kame ran his thumb over the wet, sensitive tip of his erection maddeningly, and he wanted to scream. Jin's entire awareness had shrunk to that single point of contact, and he bit his lip painfully to muffle a groan.
"Then shut up and turn around," Kame said softly, his tone at odds with his fierce grip and the strength of his hands as he shifted and pushed Jin up against the wet car, not releasing his grip on Jin's arousal. There was no time for anything. Jin was shaking from the effort of holding back his orgasm that was coming so fast and hard he could almost taste it in the back of his mouth, feel it in the back of his head, ready to split him wide open, and then Kame scraped into him hard between one breath and the next, and Jin saw black as he was slammed into the rain-slick car; he only vaguely felt Kame thrusting into him because by then he was already too far gone. There was the unmistakable heat and electricity as Kame came into him, and it was like a fucking freight train smashing into the proverbial wall. They both cried out, and it was only as they subsided that Jin finally heard Kame's whisper, so quiet, yet unmistakeable: "I hate you....oh, god, I hate you."
~*~
After that, things changed irrevocably between them and Jin wasn't entirely sure it was for the better - Kame didn't avoid him anymore, but he had this horrible feeling that something had broken in Kame after that night in the rain. In public Kame wore a mantle of indifference that disappeared the second they were alone, and no matter how it began, Jin always ended up against some hard surface, being fucked within an inch of his life. And yet he craved it, and kept coming back for more - and eventually found it hard to hide some of the more obvious bruises. Jin was forced to accept boisterous teasing when he came in to work sore and limping, walking too stiffly to be easily explained away. Neither Jin nor Kame could quite stay away from each other for very long and their increasingly frequent encounters had evolved into an odd combination of gentle tenderness intermingled with brutal couplings that left them both exhausted and raw - and not just physically.
The strain was beginning to show, and Kame watched as Jin grew a little thinner and hollows began to appear in his face where there had been none before - Kame knew he was responsible for it, but whatever this thing with Jin was, it had entirely eroded his ability to think clearly anymore. Which was why, finally, he forced himself to ignore Jin on his day off and he drove out of Tokyo to try and regain some perspective - and try to figure out how to stay the fuck away.
It was late afternoon when Jin found him in the hotel bar, nursing an iced tea and brooding. He slid into place beside him on a bar stool and waited until Kame looked over at him in surprise.
"What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you," Jin said quietly, as he traced a wet ring on the bar with one finger..
"Well, you found me. Now you can go home."
"I'm not leaving."
"Suit yourself," Kame said, and slipped off the bar stool and began to walk away.
"We need to talk," Jin said, still sitting there. Kame paused, looking over his shoulder and met Jin's gaze in the mirror behind the bar. Jin was casually clad in a red zippered hoodie and rumpled khakis, and his dark hair slanted messily into his eyes. Kame fought the irresistable urge to go over to him, brush the hair out of his eyes and just hold him, because Jin looked like hell. But Kame knew that if he took even one step closer, there would be no talking. He clenched his hands into fists and gazed back at Jin as steadily as he could.
"You need to stay away from me," Kame said finally.
"I know!" Jin burst out, and Kame's eyebrows lifted in surprise. "I know," he went on, more quietly. "But I can't. I've tried, and..." He looked over at Kame again with a tight, guarded expression. "We need to talk. We have to figure this out. That's all."
Kame turned abruptly on his heel and said nothing when Jin followed him.
*
They talked softly through a door: Kame sat on the tile floor of the bathroom with his head between his knees while Jin was on the other side, scratching at the door every now and then to gain his attention, to keep him talking. They stuttered, and were silent, and went in circles, talking around the thing that they had become, until Kame, weary and worn down, finally relented and opened the bathroom door. Jin crawled through the narrow opening on his hands and knees and they both froze for a moment as they stared at each other, and then Jin smiled lopsidedly. He knelt beside Kame and just looked. Kame cast him a wary glance through a curtain of hair and then looked down again, while Jin waited patiently.
Kame was still studying his hands when he felt Jin's arms curve around him, pulling him into Jin's lap. "Idiot," he heard Jin breathe into his ear. "I could never stay away from you."
Kame stared at him for a long, tense, painful moment before they hesitantly, like awkward teenagers, moved toward each other, and they kissed as though for the first time.
*
It was a series of soft touches, glancing lips and nibbles that ignited a slow burn.
Jin straddled Kame on the bathroom floor, with his forearms braced on either side of Kame's head against the door, and he kissed Kame as sweetly as he knew how, all melting lips and warmth. Jin kissed Kame's cheeks...his eyelids...along the lines of his delicately arched eyebrows and waited until his kisses coaxed Kame into responding in kind. It was a new kind of dance: all affection and tenderness, and it had been so long since they had kissed like this, all lips and no tongue, that Kame wanted to cry from relief of the unbearable tension that had been building for too long.
When at last they tumbled into bed together in Kame's small, spare hotel room, it was the first time in all these crazy, lust-filled weeks that they had actually managed to find a bed. They both tried to go slow this time, pushing the frenzy away, because Jin had this sense that they both wanted - needed - this to change. He could feel it shifting between them, rearranging, falling into place in a different pattern, a new pattern, and the desire was no less, just...more coherent - more focused and comprehensible. Jin felt a flare of hope as Kame took his time, gentle hands replacing the hard bruising contact to which he'd become accustomed, and a sense of euphoria grew as Kame's slick fingers prepared him with kindness, and this time Kame watched his face as Jin lay back on crisp white sheets, biting his lip in concentration as Jin closed his eyes briefly and thrust against Kame's hand.
"Is it ok?" Kame asked, and Jin smiled a little, accepting the question like a caress.
"Yes," he breathed, smiling wider, a warm glow filling his chest. His throat tightened with emotion and he met Kame's eyes. "Do-do you want to..?" He trailed off, hoping that Kame understood. The fingers slipped away and Jin already missed the sensation as he turned himself over onto his stomach and felt Kame position himself, lifting Jin's hips. Jin closed his eyes and fisted the sheets with a quiet moan as Kame eased into him in a long, single, smooth glide and began to move slowly against him - and somehow the slower pace was even more shattering than everything that had come before. Tears slowly slid down Jin's face which he pressed into the pillows, as they moved together in a steady, measured rhythm.
So it was a shock when, at the end when they both came, one after the other, perfectly in time, two waves breaking ashore, and it was good, so good, that Jin knew he wanted it to always be like this between them: slow and loving and heartstoppingly beautiful - like finally, finally coming home...that's why it was such a shock, at the end, to hear Kame's incoherent, barely audible words: hate..you.
Hearing those words chilled him and turned ecstasy to dust in his mouth.
With a sense of horror, he had to ask, the question ripped out of him in despair.
"Kazu-chan? Do you really hate me?"
When Kame covered his eyes with his forearm, Jin held his breath and waited. Several minutes passed before he realized that Kame was crying.
So Jin did the only thing he could: he gathered Kame to his chest and held him close, their warm naked skin sliding together, and he made small soothing sounds while Kame cried quietly in his arms.
*
They huddled together like that for a long time, until finally Jin felt Kame's breathing quiet and the silent sobs faded away. The boy in his arms suddenly felt more like a stranger than ever before.
"What is it?" Jin asked finally. "What's wrong?" He asked because he had to, but he was afraid of the answer. Kame moved away from him slowly and Jin let him go, watching as Kame curled up in a ball on his side, presenting only a blank expanse of smooth skin .
Jin rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, trying to understand how it had come to this. Maybe it's not meant to be. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. When you love someone...and Jin stopped himself in surprise as he realized what he'd been thinking. It was true, he realized. But he also knew that there was a point to let go. They had already done it once before. He could do it again. With sudden resolve, he pushed himself up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
"I think I should go," Jin said quietly, as he twisted his fingers into the mattress and tried to keep the tears out of his voice. "I...I'm sorry that I pushed you, Kazu-chan. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I-I wanted you too much, and I was selfish and wrong." He took a deep breath and swallowed noisily. "I won't bother you anymore. I promise."
He stood up quickly and went into the bathroom where he leaned his forehead against the closed door and closed his eyes. Their clothes were scattered all over the floor, a bitter reminder of how this had ended. Jin quickly turned the shower on in the small stall and stood under the hot spray for a few seconds, praying that the water would wash away the hurt and the desire and leave him clean and empty. But he couldn't banish the tears he'd tried to suppress, so a minute later Jin slid down the tiled wall until he sat with his head on his upraised knees and the hot water crashing down around him, and he let the tears flow.
He was so lost in his grief that he almost didn't notice when the shower door slid open and Kame was pulling at him, shifting him until they sat facing each other, Kame between his knees and Kame's knees close against his ribs.
"Don't go," Kame said in a thick, choked voice. Jin met his eyes and saw something reflected there that stopped his breath. "Don't go," Kame repeated, "it's my fault. I've been so busy trying to push you away because I was afraid of losing control, and I was stupid and I've hurt you, and I'm sorry. I was..I was so angry at you...for - for making me feel something that I thought was over." He took a deep breath, licking at the water that poured down his face and over his lips.
"I don't hate you, Jin-chan. I thought I did for a while....but it's not you. I hate myself."
Jin stared back at him, feeling a bit like the water had washed all the brains out of his head, because he wasn't sure he understood what Kame was saying. Jin's forehead crinkled in a puzzled frown, so Kame tried again.
"C-an...can we start over? Can we try this again? I don't know...I have no idea if it can work. We've both changed...so much. Maybe too much. Our lives are completely different now. But." Kame looked away with a helpless expression. "I don't know what else to do."
"Okay," Jin said finally as Kame's words began to sink in, and he saw Kame's eyes widen in surprise.
"Really?"
Jin nodded, a tiny smile playing around his mouth before he leaned forward and rubbed his wet cheek against Kame's. Seconds later they had their arms wrapped around each other and Kame buried his face in Jin's shoulder, ignoring the water that ran into his eyes.
They were both smilng, and the water cascaded down over their heads as they sat in an intertwined silence. Kame felt a thousand kilos lighter - the self loathing was washing away. Small steps, he reminded himself. It was a start. It was something. Let go...
They were still sitting there when the hot water ran out.
And just like that, everything fell away: they yelped like children and hastily clambered out from under the icy water to find towels and soon they were laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all, clinging to each other as the waves of mirth rolled through them and gathered momentum.
It was only later - much later - that Kame realized what had changed so vitally in those moments. They had finally learned to laugh together once again.
FIN
Fanfic Index
p2, 3
Title: The Distance to Here (1/1)
Pairing: Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya
Genre RPF, slash
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 5,839
Summary: In the aftermath of "Driven," Jin and Kame navigate rocky waters.
A/N: This is the requested sequel to "Driven" so fair warning that there is angst and smut. This is not PWP, and the ending may be surprising.
Big thanks to Kou for all the feedback.
Still shuddering, Kame rolled off Jin to collapse on his back beside him on the bed. He lay there for a while, chest heaving, and he waited for his vision to clear, and dreaded the moment when thought would come back to him after the delirium of the last hour - he dreaded the moment when he would have to decide everything that came next...
After several minutes - or was it hours? - he felt Jin finally stir beside him. Kame didn't have the energy to spare him any attention, but he knew that Jin had picked his head up from where Kame had pressed it into the pillow, and that he had turned to face him. And then he felt Jin's delicate touch on him, sliding against the drying sweat, finding his collar bone and stroking it in tiny, tiny gentle caresses. Kame was unable to suppress a shiver that had nothing to do with being cold.
"Kazu-chan," he heard Jin begin softly in a hushed voice - a scared voice - Kame realized with a thrill of shock. He could hear Jin swallow audibly, and then his voice came slowly and frightened, as though from far away. "Do you really hate me?"
The question hung in the air between them like a tangible thing.
"Kazu-chan? Do you really hate me?"
Kame covered his eyes with his forearm and did not respond.
~*~
After that night in Ryo's bathroom, Kame avoided Jin for the better part of a week.
Can we talk?
I have to see you.
I need to talk to you. Please call me.
Every day, Jin sent him text messages that he ignored. Calls that he didn't answer. He deleted the voicemails without listening to them, but he read every text.
We need to talk.
Please don't do this, Kame. Talk to me.
and then finally: I'm sorry.
It wasn't hard to avoid Jin; he was so busy that there was little time left for much else but work and sleep. But eventually, they had to occupy the same space, and Kame steeled himself to face Jin again. He still felt ill each time he thought about what had happened in that bathroom, and his revulsion was compounded by the sick sense that somehow...he'd enjoyed himself.
But he couldn't avoid Jin forever, so he looked up one afternoon to find Jin watching him in the mirror of the dressing room before a photo shoot. Their eyes met in the mirror long enough for Kame to note the circles under Jin's eyes and that he looked rather pale as he stood there, head cocked to one side, hands in his pockets, looking like he'd lost his best friend. Then, as he felt the rising flood of anger and shame warm his cheeks, Kame turned quickly to Koki in the chair beside him as makeup artists applied finishing touches for them both. In no time, they were laughing uproariously, while Jin watched them, now from his own seat in front of the long mirror. Kame felt the heat of his stare, but when he finally looked over, Jin's eyes were closed, his head tipped back as a woman worked on his hair, and Kame saw only the smooth shuttered face in the reflection.
~*~
"I'm driving you home," Jin said, as he watched Kame shrug into his jacket.
"Fuck off," Kame retorted, without looking at him. "I'll catch a taxi." His voice was quiet and absent as he hunted through his pockets for cigarettes and lighter before pushing the door of the restaurant open and stepping out into the cool night air. Jin followed, a few paces behind and Kame hunched his shoulders inside his roomy coat, turning the collar up against the light breeze. He stepped off to the side and tapped a cigarette out into one hand and fumbled at the lighter before he realized that Jin stood beside him, offering him a light, slender fingers cupped around the flame. Swallowing his bile, Kame bent his head to accept the light and took a long drag as he started walking away. He ignored Jin's also-smoking presence beside him as he shoved one hand into a pocket of his jeans, but ignoring him didn't make Jin disappear.
Kame had gone out with friends just for a few hours on a night when he knew Jin was busy because he was exhausted from the strain of always looking over his shoulder and wondering if Jin would be there. Jin rarely was, but his mind was playing tricks on him, because he still felt like he was being watched. And worse, sometimes he found himself actually hoping that he would look up and see Jin. So to dull his tightly-wound nerves, he'd had a bit to drink, and he was just beginning to relax, when he looked up to see Jin warmly greeted by the assembled crowd as he slid into an empty seat further down the table. At first, neither of them looked at each other, but eventually, Kame looked up from his glass into the long mirror that lined the opposite wall of the private room Ueda had reserved in the restaurant, and he caught Jin watching him with a funny, hurt expression. Kame quickly looked down into the amber liquid at the bottom of his glass, and tipping it back, downed it all in one gulp, praying for numbness to swiftly overtake him and stave off the sudden flood of nervous anticipation.
When Kame finally got up to leave, it was no suprise, then, that Jin followed him out, making a nuisance of himself, when all Kame wanted to do was get the fuck away. Kame veered toward the curb and raised his hand to hail a taxi as they approached the street corner. Jin caught his wrist, and Kame threw him a poisonous look.
"Let go of me, asshole."
Jin just gazed back at him with those dark, dark beautiful eyes and didn't release him. Kame stared at Jin's hand tight about his slender wrist; it was the first time they had touched since that night. He closed his eyes for just an instant, hating Jin and hating himself as he felt his body begin to betray him, tendrils of heat beginning to spiral up his arm from that point of contact. Jin started walking very quickly, dragging Kame along behind him, as Kame fruitlessly struggled to free himself.
"Get off me," he growled as Jin pulled him down a dark, narrow street. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Jin yanked him around and pushed him against a car that Kame realized only at the last second was Jin's. Jin threw his cigarette onto the pavement, squashing it out underfoot, and he trapped Kame against the car with his gaze. The remote chirped, and there was the sound of the car doors unlocking.
"You don't get it, do you?" Kame ground out, not looking at Jin. Instead, he took a drag on the cigarette and stared down the dark street that was more like an alley and gritted his teeth against the effect that Jin's nearness had on him. This was why he'd avoided Jin for so long. This sudden intoxication of proximity was having a dangerous effect on Kame's body and brain, the latter of which was shutting down rapidly. Kame tried to focus on the street lights at the end of the alley and the cars passing by.
"Get in," Jin said shortly, as he swiftly walked around to the driver's side.
Kame finished his cigarette and climbed in.
*
Jin was silent as he pulled the car back into traffic, and Kame leaned his head against the window and gazed out at the lights of the city speeding by. When he heard the scrape of windshield wipers, he realized it had started to rain, and that Jin was, not unexpectedly, not driving him home. Kame didn't bother to ask where they were going, because he didn't think Jin would tell him.
He huddled against the passenger side door and with his right hand traced patterns against the window, following the tracks of rain that streaked the glass like tears. Tokyo disappeared behind them and finally it was dark, dark, and he was very weary as he pressed his flushed cheek to the cool surface beneath his fingertips. How could he feel so tired and yet so wound up - all at the same time? He had no idea what was going to happen, and there was a part of him that was excited by this as they hurtled toward some unknown, unknowable destination. And yet, he also shrank away. He was afraid of what Jin brought out in him; this dark, suffocating longing and a desperate need to surrender himself to something that threatened to swallow him whole - it was too much. It didn't make any sense, and it couldn't be good for him. Suddenly, Kame wondered what had happened - what had changed between them. They were certainly never like this before.
We were children before, he admitted to himself. Now...we're not. That was all he managed to conclude by the time Jin pulled off the road and into a secluded overlook. There was still the orange glow of the city in the sky, but it felt like they were far, far away from anything resembling civilization. Kame didn't move as Jin parked the car and killed the engine.
“Kazuya," Jin began and even Kame who didn't want to, could hear the tightness in his voice. Kame did his best to ignore Jin and his own rising tension as he pressed his fingertips against glass.
"What do I have to do?" Jin asked quietly, and Kame heard him shifting to face him.
Kame laughed mockingly and rolled his eyes in the dark. "That's easy," he replied. "Leave me the fuck alone. What part of that do you not understand?"
"I can't," Jin said, and something in his tone made Kame roll his head on the headrest to look over his shoulder at him. Jin's eyes glittered darkly in the faint light, and Kame had the strangest feeling that Jin was looking at his mouth. Unconsciously, Kame raised one hand to touch his own lips which felt numb from the alcohol, but then Jin's fingers were there, pulling his hand away and replacing it with his own.
Jin's long fingers slid along his cheek and his thumb slowly stroked Kame's lower lip, the warmth of his skin bleeding into Kame’s skin, as Jin's hand cupped him. Kame almost didn't realize that he had leaned into Jin's touch and that he'd parted his lips until he felt Jin's thumb questing further, pushing gently against his tongue to pick up the moisture of saliva which he then slicked over the fullness of Kame's lower lip.
Kame closed his eyes against the cruelty of Jin's warm hand and fingers, for the caress was so gentle and tender and sensual, without asking for anything more. He did not know how long they sat like that in the dark with Jin's thumb just stroking over his mouth, across, up, down, across again, in broad strokes, and in tiny, tiny movements against the delicate corners, while his palm was wide and warm against Kame's jaw, the tips of Jin's fingers touching the sensitive skin just below his ears, and it was all so comforting and inviting that Kame lost himself to it, until he came to his senses to realize that he was rubbing himself into Jin's palm in some kind of incoherent, mindless motion, and that Jin's thumb was now in his mouth against his tongue, and his mouth was open and softly gasping in shallow, shallow breaths.
Jin stilled, and Kame felt something shift between them, a shiver of heat, of expectation, of urgency - and then, with just the briefest hesitation, Jin surged toward him and Kame felt himself falling and falling as Jin's arm curled around his shoulders to draw him in, and his hand cradled Kame's head and Jin's mouth covered Kame's mouth and they were kissing in the dark.
*
Jin kissed Kame slowly, terrified that Kame would pull back any second and freeze him out. That was the worst part about the last couple weeks. Their encounter in Ryo's bathroom had come out of the blue and blown his mind, and every day that went by, Jin grew more desperate to get through to Kame, but obviously, Kame wasn't willing to play this game. And yet...
And yet...Kame was here now, in the circle of his arm, warm beneath his hands and Kame's mouth was soft and pliable, but Jin didn't press the advantage, letting his fingertips trail down Kame's throat in tiny swirls. He wanted Kame to want this..to want him. Jin opened his eyes.
"Kazu," he breathed, massaging his hand against Kame's scalp. Kame made a small sound that curled Jin's toes, and then to Jin's surprise, he reached out and grabbed a fistful of Jin's shirt, pulling him closer, and opening his mouth. Jin bit off a groan as he felt Kame's tongue slide against his and he tasted like cigarettes and beer, but it was strangely not unpleasant, because behind it there was something that was all Kame and sweet and addictive and Jin just wanted to taste that all the time. Jin felt his hands tightening on Kame as he tried to hold back, but when he felt Kame shiver in one long, undulating quiver beneath his touch, it was too late and he pushed forward, crashing Kame's head back onto the headrest.
Their mouths splayed against each other, and Kame's tongue was driving him mad and making him lose any shreds of control...Jin fumbled at the open jacket, tugging and pulling at fabric until he found skin and he slid his hands inside and up, curving around the ribcage, finding a nipple, stroking and stroking anything to make Kame shiver like that again.
"Kazu-chan," he begged. "Can I--" he couldn't think enough to get the words out. "Do you want--" He hoped that his hand that was already working at Kame's belt buckle was enough to communicate what he wanted, and he didn't wait for an answer as Kame's hands clutched at him. "Please," Jin whispered.
A few minutes later, Jin had the seats pushed as far back as they would go and reclined and he sprawled over Kame as the space allowed, his tongue teasing Kame's nipple while one hand fumbled inside Kame's low slung cargo pants until his hand closed around hot hard flesh which he pulled out as gently as he could, but still, the angle was awkward and he could feel Kame wince a bit, but Jin kept flicking his tongue at Kame's tiny nipple while his hand relished the smooth heat and throb of Kame's arousal until Kame was vibrating and gasping beautifully once more.
The sound of Kame's soft gasps sent a flicker of white-hot pleasure through Jin and he actually began to salivate, as his lips followed the slight, hollow groove that was carved into Kame's beautiful trembling torso, until he came to what he was longing for. Jin closed his eyes for a moment, and pressing his cheek to the quivering skin of Kame's belly below his navel, he silently mouthed a prayer of gratitude while Kame's hand crept into his hair and pushed at him ever so slightly. Jin wanted him. Jin wanted this, and as though in a dream, he lowered his mouth to the throbbing prize that awaited him, and he was rewarded by Kame's sudden, gratifyingly loud moan. He teased the head at first, swirling his tongue around hungrily, probing at the small opening and tasting the leaking salty fluid before he plunged down and sucked hard, reveling in the fierce shudder that shook Kame's entire body. The small hands in his hair tightened almost painfully, but Jin did not give a fuck for anything anymore except this in his mouth, this to wrap his tongue around, this heat and desire and Kame's beautiful, perfect incoherent sounds that fucked at Jin's brain and drove him beyond the limits of his sensation when he could no longer feel his mouth, but he could only feel Kame's hardness swelling impossibly within the wet ring of his lips. Then he heard Kame's voice crying out heartrendingly, and Jin tasted Kame in a sudden, hot flood.
*
When Kame opened his eyes, it was to find Jin awkwardly curled up so that his head was a heavy, warm weight against Kame's stomach - in fact, the pressure on his diaphragm was making it just a little hard to breathe. The aftershocks of orgasm were still there as tiny tremors, now fading, but ignoring them, he pushed until Jin lifted his head and looked up at him in vague puzzlement. Kame suddenly felt suffocated in the close, humid air of the car, and as Jin moved off him, he reached down and clumsily tucked himself away and pushed up to a seated position, fumbling at the car door. He was only vaguely aware of Jin staring at him confusion as he stumbled out into the rain.
Kame welcomed the cool wetness of drizzling rain that washed down his hot, feverish cheeks. He stood there for a moment, eyes blind to everything before him, until he lowered into a crouch. Pressing his face against his knees, he wrapped his arms around his head and just huddled there for a long time, rocking slightly as the rain seeped into his clothes and slicked his skin. A sick roiling feeling had replaced the post-orgasmic euphoric glow and his stomach was suddenly twisted up in a hard knot. Kame felt dangerously close to the edge of something dark and frightening, a terrifying precipice that was causing him to lose all self-control; silently he choked on self-loathing, and half-wished that the penetrating rain would wash everything away and leave him clean and empty.
At last, he felt the brush of warm fingers against the back of his neck, and Kame slowly lifted his head, lowering his arms to encircle his knees, and he watched warily as Jin dropped into a crouch in front of him, his slanted dark eyes watching him with concern. Jin reached out the very short distance between them and hesitantly stroked the hair back from his face while Kame stared back at him blankly. Jin said nothing, somehow knowing that there was nothing that could be said, and Kame shivered beneath his touch with a sense of despair. Even now, he was once again responding to Jin's nearness, to Jin's touch, and it was like a flare of lightning between them. He struggled helplessly against the desire that began to come in waves as Jin's hand lingered against the side of his face. He hated it. He didn't understand why this was happening now. Everything with Jin was water beneath the bridge, old history, a different life. He had moved on and the space between them had widened until it had finally settled into a kind of professionalism that allowed them work together without any of the old unsettling undercurrents. But this...this was beyond unsettling. It was a dark, disorienting confusion of obsessive need and Kame railed against it. How had it happened? How? As he stared into Jin's unfathomable eyes, he felt himself uncoiling, moving forward, even while he screamed at himself to run away. He didn't want this. He didn't want this. The voice in his head shrieked in protest as Kame seized Jin's head in his small hands and kissed him.
*
Jin had been the one to pull them up from their crouch on the wet, rain-soaked ground, but it was Kame who twisted and turned them until Jin was stumbling backward and crashing into the side of the car, gasping into Kame's mouth as the breath was knocked out of him. And then everything came fast, way too fast. Kame's tongue was electric and Jin was rock-hard in a dizzying instant as Kame ground his pelvis into him. It was all a confusion of lips and tongue and teeth grazing Jin's throat, and he slid against the slippery side of the car when Kame pushed him back again, hands working at his pants and pushing them down past his hips and around his upper thighs. Kame wrapped one hand around Jin's erection, which was already slick from the rain and began to stroke him with greedy, ungentle fingers. Jin stifled a cry and stared into Kame's dark, feral eyes which held a wildness that both excited him and frightened him, and he was powerless to do anything more than try not to come immediately from the unbearable friction.
"Kazu, wait--" he broke off, wincing at the roughness.
"Do you want me to stop?" Kame's voice was so much broken glass, all glittering sharp edges.
"No-" Jin gasped as Kame ran his thumb over the wet, sensitive tip of his erection maddeningly, and he wanted to scream. Jin's entire awareness had shrunk to that single point of contact, and he bit his lip painfully to muffle a groan.
"Then shut up and turn around," Kame said softly, his tone at odds with his fierce grip and the strength of his hands as he shifted and pushed Jin up against the wet car, not releasing his grip on Jin's arousal. There was no time for anything. Jin was shaking from the effort of holding back his orgasm that was coming so fast and hard he could almost taste it in the back of his mouth, feel it in the back of his head, ready to split him wide open, and then Kame scraped into him hard between one breath and the next, and Jin saw black as he was slammed into the rain-slick car; he only vaguely felt Kame thrusting into him because by then he was already too far gone. There was the unmistakable heat and electricity as Kame came into him, and it was like a fucking freight train smashing into the proverbial wall. They both cried out, and it was only as they subsided that Jin finally heard Kame's whisper, so quiet, yet unmistakeable: "I hate you....oh, god, I hate you."
~*~
After that, things changed irrevocably between them and Jin wasn't entirely sure it was for the better - Kame didn't avoid him anymore, but he had this horrible feeling that something had broken in Kame after that night in the rain. In public Kame wore a mantle of indifference that disappeared the second they were alone, and no matter how it began, Jin always ended up against some hard surface, being fucked within an inch of his life. And yet he craved it, and kept coming back for more - and eventually found it hard to hide some of the more obvious bruises. Jin was forced to accept boisterous teasing when he came in to work sore and limping, walking too stiffly to be easily explained away. Neither Jin nor Kame could quite stay away from each other for very long and their increasingly frequent encounters had evolved into an odd combination of gentle tenderness intermingled with brutal couplings that left them both exhausted and raw - and not just physically.
The strain was beginning to show, and Kame watched as Jin grew a little thinner and hollows began to appear in his face where there had been none before - Kame knew he was responsible for it, but whatever this thing with Jin was, it had entirely eroded his ability to think clearly anymore. Which was why, finally, he forced himself to ignore Jin on his day off and he drove out of Tokyo to try and regain some perspective - and try to figure out how to stay the fuck away.
It was late afternoon when Jin found him in the hotel bar, nursing an iced tea and brooding. He slid into place beside him on a bar stool and waited until Kame looked over at him in surprise.
"What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you," Jin said quietly, as he traced a wet ring on the bar with one finger..
"Well, you found me. Now you can go home."
"I'm not leaving."
"Suit yourself," Kame said, and slipped off the bar stool and began to walk away.
"We need to talk," Jin said, still sitting there. Kame paused, looking over his shoulder and met Jin's gaze in the mirror behind the bar. Jin was casually clad in a red zippered hoodie and rumpled khakis, and his dark hair slanted messily into his eyes. Kame fought the irresistable urge to go over to him, brush the hair out of his eyes and just hold him, because Jin looked like hell. But Kame knew that if he took even one step closer, there would be no talking. He clenched his hands into fists and gazed back at Jin as steadily as he could.
"You need to stay away from me," Kame said finally.
"I know!" Jin burst out, and Kame's eyebrows lifted in surprise. "I know," he went on, more quietly. "But I can't. I've tried, and..." He looked over at Kame again with a tight, guarded expression. "We need to talk. We have to figure this out. That's all."
Kame turned abruptly on his heel and said nothing when Jin followed him.
*
They talked softly through a door: Kame sat on the tile floor of the bathroom with his head between his knees while Jin was on the other side, scratching at the door every now and then to gain his attention, to keep him talking. They stuttered, and were silent, and went in circles, talking around the thing that they had become, until Kame, weary and worn down, finally relented and opened the bathroom door. Jin crawled through the narrow opening on his hands and knees and they both froze for a moment as they stared at each other, and then Jin smiled lopsidedly. He knelt beside Kame and just looked. Kame cast him a wary glance through a curtain of hair and then looked down again, while Jin waited patiently.
Kame was still studying his hands when he felt Jin's arms curve around him, pulling him into Jin's lap. "Idiot," he heard Jin breathe into his ear. "I could never stay away from you."
Kame stared at him for a long, tense, painful moment before they hesitantly, like awkward teenagers, moved toward each other, and they kissed as though for the first time.
*
It was a series of soft touches, glancing lips and nibbles that ignited a slow burn.
Jin straddled Kame on the bathroom floor, with his forearms braced on either side of Kame's head against the door, and he kissed Kame as sweetly as he knew how, all melting lips and warmth. Jin kissed Kame's cheeks...his eyelids...along the lines of his delicately arched eyebrows and waited until his kisses coaxed Kame into responding in kind. It was a new kind of dance: all affection and tenderness, and it had been so long since they had kissed like this, all lips and no tongue, that Kame wanted to cry from relief of the unbearable tension that had been building for too long.
When at last they tumbled into bed together in Kame's small, spare hotel room, it was the first time in all these crazy, lust-filled weeks that they had actually managed to find a bed. They both tried to go slow this time, pushing the frenzy away, because Jin had this sense that they both wanted - needed - this to change. He could feel it shifting between them, rearranging, falling into place in a different pattern, a new pattern, and the desire was no less, just...more coherent - more focused and comprehensible. Jin felt a flare of hope as Kame took his time, gentle hands replacing the hard bruising contact to which he'd become accustomed, and a sense of euphoria grew as Kame's slick fingers prepared him with kindness, and this time Kame watched his face as Jin lay back on crisp white sheets, biting his lip in concentration as Jin closed his eyes briefly and thrust against Kame's hand.
"Is it ok?" Kame asked, and Jin smiled a little, accepting the question like a caress.
"Yes," he breathed, smiling wider, a warm glow filling his chest. His throat tightened with emotion and he met Kame's eyes. "Do-do you want to..?" He trailed off, hoping that Kame understood. The fingers slipped away and Jin already missed the sensation as he turned himself over onto his stomach and felt Kame position himself, lifting Jin's hips. Jin closed his eyes and fisted the sheets with a quiet moan as Kame eased into him in a long, single, smooth glide and began to move slowly against him - and somehow the slower pace was even more shattering than everything that had come before. Tears slowly slid down Jin's face which he pressed into the pillows, as they moved together in a steady, measured rhythm.
So it was a shock when, at the end when they both came, one after the other, perfectly in time, two waves breaking ashore, and it was good, so good, that Jin knew he wanted it to always be like this between them: slow and loving and heartstoppingly beautiful - like finally, finally coming home...that's why it was such a shock, at the end, to hear Kame's incoherent, barely audible words: hate..you.
Hearing those words chilled him and turned ecstasy to dust in his mouth.
With a sense of horror, he had to ask, the question ripped out of him in despair.
"Kazu-chan? Do you really hate me?"
When Kame covered his eyes with his forearm, Jin held his breath and waited. Several minutes passed before he realized that Kame was crying.
So Jin did the only thing he could: he gathered Kame to his chest and held him close, their warm naked skin sliding together, and he made small soothing sounds while Kame cried quietly in his arms.
*
They huddled together like that for a long time, until finally Jin felt Kame's breathing quiet and the silent sobs faded away. The boy in his arms suddenly felt more like a stranger than ever before.
"What is it?" Jin asked finally. "What's wrong?" He asked because he had to, but he was afraid of the answer. Kame moved away from him slowly and Jin let him go, watching as Kame curled up in a ball on his side, presenting only a blank expanse of smooth skin .
Jin rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, trying to understand how it had come to this. Maybe it's not meant to be. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. When you love someone...and Jin stopped himself in surprise as he realized what he'd been thinking. It was true, he realized. But he also knew that there was a point to let go. They had already done it once before. He could do it again. With sudden resolve, he pushed himself up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
"I think I should go," Jin said quietly, as he twisted his fingers into the mattress and tried to keep the tears out of his voice. "I...I'm sorry that I pushed you, Kazu-chan. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I-I wanted you too much, and I was selfish and wrong." He took a deep breath and swallowed noisily. "I won't bother you anymore. I promise."
He stood up quickly and went into the bathroom where he leaned his forehead against the closed door and closed his eyes. Their clothes were scattered all over the floor, a bitter reminder of how this had ended. Jin quickly turned the shower on in the small stall and stood under the hot spray for a few seconds, praying that the water would wash away the hurt and the desire and leave him clean and empty. But he couldn't banish the tears he'd tried to suppress, so a minute later Jin slid down the tiled wall until he sat with his head on his upraised knees and the hot water crashing down around him, and he let the tears flow.
He was so lost in his grief that he almost didn't notice when the shower door slid open and Kame was pulling at him, shifting him until they sat facing each other, Kame between his knees and Kame's knees close against his ribs.
"Don't go," Kame said in a thick, choked voice. Jin met his eyes and saw something reflected there that stopped his breath. "Don't go," Kame repeated, "it's my fault. I've been so busy trying to push you away because I was afraid of losing control, and I was stupid and I've hurt you, and I'm sorry. I was..I was so angry at you...for - for making me feel something that I thought was over." He took a deep breath, licking at the water that poured down his face and over his lips.
"I don't hate you, Jin-chan. I thought I did for a while....but it's not you. I hate myself."
Jin stared back at him, feeling a bit like the water had washed all the brains out of his head, because he wasn't sure he understood what Kame was saying. Jin's forehead crinkled in a puzzled frown, so Kame tried again.
"C-an...can we start over? Can we try this again? I don't know...I have no idea if it can work. We've both changed...so much. Maybe too much. Our lives are completely different now. But." Kame looked away with a helpless expression. "I don't know what else to do."
"Okay," Jin said finally as Kame's words began to sink in, and he saw Kame's eyes widen in surprise.
"Really?"
Jin nodded, a tiny smile playing around his mouth before he leaned forward and rubbed his wet cheek against Kame's. Seconds later they had their arms wrapped around each other and Kame buried his face in Jin's shoulder, ignoring the water that ran into his eyes.
They were both smilng, and the water cascaded down over their heads as they sat in an intertwined silence. Kame felt a thousand kilos lighter - the self loathing was washing away. Small steps, he reminded himself. It was a start. It was something. Let go...
They were still sitting there when the hot water ran out.
And just like that, everything fell away: they yelped like children and hastily clambered out from under the icy water to find towels and soon they were laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all, clinging to each other as the waves of mirth rolled through them and gathered momentum.
It was only later - much later - that Kame realized what had changed so vitally in those moments. They had finally learned to laugh together once again.
FIN
Fanfic Index
p2, 3