another failed attempt.

[shortfuseburnig]

As she ascends,
Her insides descend to the kind, patient ground beneath her.
Slowly, she clenches her forgiving teeth.
Empathy greets her swollen eyes,
And comfort wraps itself around her grief.
But somehow, she sits in solitude.
Somehow, she is hollow...shivering in the midst of...ocean...

...crap. It all sounded much better when I was drunk.

;P

Comments

[troutsavedmylyf]

I thought is was pretty okay. Sort of went south at the second to last line (I get the transition, but it's shaky). Before that it was good, though. If only you would complete something! I mean, come on. It's better to finish something and have it be imperfect than to just give up after only a few lines. That's how progress and revision happens! Finish something!

On a side note, I used to like short poetry, but now I've decided longer poetry is better. If it's shorter than a sonnet, its way too short. That's my new rule of thumb.

And everything sounds better when drunk. That's a fact. ;)

P.S. You put your location as "hell" and if you mouse over it, it brings you to a map of a town named Hell in Norway. That made me laugh.

[shortfuseburnig]

Read the comment I left Sydney to understand my reasoning for the shittiest last two lines ever.

I know...I have trouble finishing things...I just would love for them to be perfect. I think I just wish I were a better writer. I always convince myself I'm great towards the beginning...and then it goes downhill and I lose that confidence. It shows pretty clearly.

No kidding. ;)

P.S. We looked up the photos of Hell, Norway on Google. So good. There were cemeteries and flames in the air...

<3

[troutsavedmylyf]

Pssshh. Wah, I want to write better, wah. Give me a break, Brittany. You know as well as I do that if you really wanted to you could produce something good, it's not your writing ability that hinders you. A stumbling block is just that. Obstacles aren't things to turn away from, they are things to overcome. So what if you get caught up on a line or a stanza or even an entire poem? That's no reason to lose any confidence. Do you think that good writing just happens? Every good and great writer has suffered through many a difficult piece. Things take time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and good poetry isn't written in a single pen stroke. So, I say if you want to write, then write. And I don't just mean here, and I don't just mean on paper. Because when you're working on something, it is alive in your mind at all times. But when you give up on a piece of writing, it is sent to the graveyard. So stop killing your ideas! Just do it. As Nike says

[sexualcoco87]

why do u hate me

[shortfuseburnig]

the last line was my drunken confusion, im sorry ;P

and the ocean is supposed to be opposite of the feelings that the first part conveys...thats why it says "but somehow"!!! thats the transition! it's done terribly, because i was drunk, but still. and the teeth and ground and all that are supportive and kind and the subject just continues to attack them through her frustration. you know?

i love you too. i could never hate your hot ass.

<3