Water
That day was carved in memory forever. It lasted for probably a few minutes but it felt so vivid, as if I was experiencing it again and again.
I was swimming in the pool, relaxing my body when I suddenly felt my foot hurt intensely. I was unable to move. I was falling deeper into the water. I couldn’t scream for help or I would drown faster. I thought it was the end of the world, I thought I was going to die in this serene pool...
Then I felt a firm grip on me, pushing me higher and higher to the surface. I felt a strong arm around me, propelling me to the side of the pool.
When I opened my eyes, I saw a pair of dark brown eyes staring at me with utmost concern. I was shocked, but at that moment, I was more electrified by those eyes than whether I was still alive or not. His torso was dripping wet, and his rippling abs were as clear as ever. They were tanned, but they shone like crystals. They looked perfect.
Until today, I have that image carved in my head. His flawless, muscular body, and his anxious expression.
When he called for more help, his hoarse voice sounded so melodious to me. I can hear it ringing in my ears now.
And a week after it happened, I saw him again. It felt like a lifetime, but to finally see him again, it made my heart flutter like never before. My heart was racing. I wanted to run up to him when he was presented with his trophy for winning the national swimming competition, but I found myself staring at him in awe.
On that very day, it rained so heavily. It was probably the wildest rainstorm ever. I stood at the entrance of the campus and looked at the furious raindrops hitting the ground. I had to go for my baito, and if I didn’t catch the bus now, I’d be late. I dashed out in the rain.
Suddenly, I felt like the rain was reduced to a light shower. I felt my heart thumping again. I turned my head to see him holding his jacket above my head. I could do nothing else but stare. We huddled in the rain to the bus stop opposite my campus.
It seemed like a miracle to me. He was in the same college at me, it turned out. And he was my senpai. Why had I never noticed him before this?
He smiled at me. I smiled back, nervously.
I shivered in the cold. I was soaking wet, and so was he. He removed his outer vest and then wrapped his arm around me. His arm was cold, but wherever it made contact with my shoulder, it felt warm. I looked up at him. He looked ahead, as if he didn’t notice me. I’m sure he did, though. Still trembling, I plucked up my courage to thank him for saving me the other day.
But he only looked at me with those dark eyes again. He nodded. I wondered if he realized he was holding me tighter and tighter by the second. Perhaps he was as nervous as I was?
I wondered if it was a coincidence that we took the same bus route. He sat next to me, and we began a short awkward conversation. I moved closer to him because he was my source of warmth, but he didn’t seem to mind.
It felt like we had only just got up the bus when he left his seat to get down. I called out to him just before he stepped off the bus.
“I’m Jun.” He flashed his last smile before leaving me. I wondered if he knew my name. He didn’t ask me for it so I assumed that he knew it.
I spent the next few nights dreaming about him. I felt him next to me when I lay in my bed. I knew he wasn’t physically there, but it seemed to me like he was holding me tight as I dozed off.
I had a test the next week, so I took a break from my baito to cram in the library.
I saw him again.
He was sitting in the table in the very far corner of the study section of the library. Was he always there? Maybe I should pay a visit to the library more often. I always rushed off for my baito after work, so I hardly went to the library unless I was looking for a specific book.
I approached him slowly. My heart was beating fast again. It always did whenever I saw him, although I have only met him once after that memorable incident. My heart had raced every second he sat next to me in the bus.
He didn’t see me when I sat in the seat opposite him. I just needed him to say hello to me. Is it a selfish wish for him to notice me? His book was covering his face; I couldn’t tell whether he was actually reading it or not. I opened my own textbook.
I sat there, peering from my textbook, hoping that he would glance at me. But he seemed to be absorbed in his reading.
His finger touched my hand which lay on the table all of a sudden. I felt a spark of electricity jolt my body. He touched me. I didn’t care whether it was accidental or intentional. I wasn’t able to think straight anymore, much less to study for my test. He squeezed my finger without looking at me. I wanted to pull his book away from him to make him look at me, which I finally did much later. It appeared that he was fast asleep in front of his book.
I admired how cute he looked when he was asleep. I took in all his facial features. His thick eyebrows, the curve of his lips, his tender cheeks. I wanted to touch his face with my fingers. I wanted to feel him there and then, but I resisted. I tried so hard to resist.
I hoped that he would see me when he opened his eyes, but someone approached us and I quickly sat back in my chair to pretend to read my book. That person woke him up and dragged him away. He seemed so talkative with his friends, not like how he was with me. I yearned for him to talk to me like that. I looked at my finger again. I could still feel the sensation of his touch lingering on it.
I felt an empty hole in me that night. I just wanted him to acknowledge me. If only I could... There were a lot of things I wanted him to do. Was I asking too much? Was I being greedy? I tried to convince myself that he was a regular guy. He was probably too tired from his swimming practice that he slumped in front of his book. Maybe I should consider it from his point of view?
I stalked the library the next day, searching for him. I had high hopes that he would be there, in that same seat. But he wasn’t. Again, I could see his invisible form sitting on that chair. I knew he wasn’t there, but I was so infatuated with him that I could see him everywhere I went. I dropped gloomily on the seat next to his and opened my book.
“Sumimasen, anyone sitting here?” I heard that melodious voice after being absorbed in my Law textbook for about half an hour. I felt awake and quickly turned to look at the person I was waiting for.
“Douzo!” I said, sounding almost too eager. He smiled at me again before sitting in the same seat where he sat the day before.
“Sorry, Mao-chan.” So he did know my name. I grinned in silence to myself.
I was caught off guard. Was he initiating a conversation with me?
“S..so..sorry for what?” I replied.
“I didn’t realize you sat opposite me yesterday. I thought... Sorry, I thought it was my pen that I held yesterday...” He said, looking a little embarrassed.
I was glad that he remembered he grabbed my finger yesterday. I was so happy that I wanted to scream out loud.
I tried to hide my giggle while avoiding his intense eyes. I managed to say nervously,”It’s okay. I can understand.”
He grinned at me. We chattered endlessly to my delight until it was time for the library to close.
“So much for my studying.”
“Oh, when is your test?”
“Next week.”
“I have one too, but I barely have time to prepare for it, with all my swimming practice.”
“I’m sorry that I made you talk with me when you wanted to study.”
“It’s nothing. Don’t we all fail when it comes to books?”
“Right, don’t you have to work today?”
“I told my boss that I had a test coming up, so...”
“Ah...”
He squeezed my hand and I almost jumped at the sensation. I thought he was holding my hand until I realized that he was trying to prevent me from walking in the wrong direction. I felt foolish when he laughed at me.
I was scowling but I was startled when he put his jacket around me.
“Your hand feels cold. I’m sure you feel cold all around.”
I didn’t know what to say; I could only stare hard at him. This was too much for me in one day. I was about to lose my self-control anytime now.
I cuddled next to him in the bus. I didn’t want the bus to reach his destination. I wanted to feel his warmth for as long as I could. I looked up at his face. He looked as flawless as ever. His cheeks sparkled in the darkness of the bus. His features were so prominent; I could stare at him forever. I wrapped my fingers around his firm arm, feeling the contours of his well-shaped muscles. How I wanted to see his perfect chest again, how I wanted to hold him tightly, how I wanted to kiss him endlessly. He didn’t seem to mind that I was getting so close to him. It suddenly struck me whether he had a girlfriend or not. What if he did? Would I die of depression then?
He turned to look at me. I was mesmerized by his very face.
“I have to go now.”
I was reluctant to let go of him. He pried my fingers away from him and squeezed them before he let them go. He waved at me. I waved back.
I never saw him again for weeks.
I missed him so much. After my test was over, I never had the chance to go to the library anymore. I texted him every night, and he’d reply me. He said he missed seeing me at the library. I said that I was only there twice. He said that he got used to having me seated next to him. I asked him why I never saw him anymore. He said that it was his swimming practice. I told him I wanted to watch him in his competition. Then, he never replied again.
Did he not want me to watch him swim? I pondered.
Not seeing him physically was mental torture. That’s why when I finally caught him under at the computer lab, I had to talk to him.
He looked troubled, but I couldn’t hold my feelings back any longer. I had to let him know. I couldn’t leave us hanging like this. If there was a tiny part of him that liked me, I needed to know. He was always so cold towards me. I didn’t mind, but I wanted to know how he felt about me.
“Jun-kun, I...”
“What is it?” He leaned against the wall, body facing away from me.
“I have something to tell you. I...”
He stared into space, ears perked up to listen to me. I knew he wasn’t ignoring me because I had observed him long enough. He wasn’t the type to show his true self, to act naturally in front of everyone. It was as if he was putting on a mask for everyone to see.
“I... ever since... I... I love you!” Oh no, it didn’t come out right.
He jerked his head towards me, obviously taken aback by what I just said.
“I just want you to know how I feel... I’m sorry if I shocked you...I...” I stuttered again.
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to hurt you, I’m afraid that I may say the wrong words to you.” His expression looked tense.
That was how I confessed my love to him. He ran off for his class before he could give me an answer, and I was left there, hanging.
***
I never got the chance to see him again after that. Without realizing it, he had become part of my life. He had become part of my soul. He lived in me. I felt like a part of me was ripped off until he gave me his answer.
I found myself walking into the trophy room. I stared at the trophies he had won for our college. Most of them were first place trophies. I wondered how hard he must have worked to achieve all these golden treasures. I reached out to touch one of them, and tripped, knocking it to the floor.
I felt a feeling of horror take over my body. Through the corner of my eyes, I saw the piece of the broken trophy stare at me. The loud noise was certainly no joke to my ears.
A tinge crept through my body when I felt a pair of hands around my waist. I’d recognize that warmth anytime. As much as I wanted to see him, he was the one person I was afraid to face right now. I whimpered, not daring to look at him straight in the eye.
He propelled me to stand back up, and then he looked into my eyes. I trembled in fear as tears started to materialize. He took my hand officially for the first time, and held it tightly, as if he didn’t want to let me go. I looked at him properly and noticed that his eyes were the kindest that I had ever seen. There was no trace of anger.
His hand gave me strength to open my mouth and talk to him. I gripped his hand as tight as I could. I didn’t know how to express it, but I somehow managed.
“I’m sorry, Jun-kun. It was your precious...” I couldn’t speak coherently anymore. I was full of tears.
He crashed his body onto mine, holding me in the tightest embrace I could ever imagine. I sobbed on his shoulder, making his shoulder wet with my tears. He patted me lightly on my back and hugged me tighter, as if coaxing me that it was okay.
“But it’s not okay! You worked so hard for it, and I...” I blurted out at him. I wanted him to scold me, to hate me, like how I blamed myself fully that instant.
He pulled out of the embrace and gripped my shoulder tightly.
“It’s fine, really. Don’t worry about it, okay? I just want you to stop crying. Seeing you cry like this, it makes me want to cry as well. Please, I don’t want to see you sad.” He brushed my hair away from my face and looked into my eyes with his own warm eyes.
My heart skipped a beat. Did that mean...?
He engulfed me in his warmth again as he draped his arms around me once again.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you an answer that day, but I’m giving it to you now. I never got so close to any other girl before. You’re the first one I’m hugging so tightly, and you’re the first one whose hands I held. You’re the first one whom I ran with in the rain, and you’re the first one whom I allowed to snuggle against me in the bus.”
My eyes snapped open, and this time, my tears were tears of happiness. I muffled something inaudible as I wrapped my arms tightly against his back. I didn’t see him smiling behind me, but I could sense how happy he was to hold me in his arms. I savoured every moment of it.
In my heart, I expressed my unconditional love to my saviour again and again. He stroked my hair as I mouthed my gratitude to him.
“I’m so happy you found me in the pool that day. I will never forget that day.”
“I’m so happy I decided to follow you wherever you go.”
Eh? I looked at him in confusion.
“I’ve been observing you for ages. Remember the day you bumped into me in the cafe the other day? You spilled water on me, and I just walked off as if nothing had happened?”
I remembered that day. I thought he was the most arrogant person who didn’t even care if his clothes were soiled.
“You’ve...?”
“I had loved you ever since.”
He took my lips into his, and I closed my eyes.
-end-
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