(no subject)
[Tucked into the diary is a paper list with a few names on it, most of them crossed out]
So in a few short weeks everything is about to change. I don't know why but I feel about as unprepared now as I did that first moment I knew. Who would imagine me as a parent? I mean, I can see it utterly and completely in Terry, but not in myself. I'm worried that I'll make some sort of mistake that will never be forgiven. Mrs Boo Marjorie had all this wonderful advice, like she believed that I would be a natural... but why don't I see it?
I just don't.
I dare not tell Terry, he's worried enough about me as it is, but I've had two nightmares in the last week. Both the same. Both... I can't remember how they actually went, but I remember waking up with this feeling of utter loss. And I only just barely managed to keep a panic attack at bay yesterday. The last time I had one was while we were still in Paris last year. I thought all this fear was behind me now, but the closer it gets to when this baby is born the more I keep thinking that we should have stayed in Beijing.
Of course if we'd done that, Michael wouldn't be better... Cho wouldn't have been found... Luna would still be in Azkaban. I know that us being here was important and is important but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be in this world and I want to take everyone in the house away from here. Not just our little family in amongst the Order, but the entire house itself.
And Ron... I don't even know what to say about that. All I know is that nothing is guaranteed in this life... not even safety precautions.
So in a few short weeks everything is about to change. I don't know why but I feel about as unprepared now as I did that first moment I knew. Who would imagine me as a parent? I mean, I can see it utterly and completely in Terry, but not in myself. I'm worried that I'll make some sort of mistake that will never be forgiven. Mrs Boo Marjorie had all this wonderful advice, like she believed that I would be a natural... but why don't I see it?
I just don't.
I dare not tell Terry, he's worried enough about me as it is, but I've had two nightmares in the last week. Both the same. Both... I can't remember how they actually went, but I remember waking up with this feeling of utter loss. And I only just barely managed to keep a panic attack at bay yesterday. The last time I had one was while we were still in Paris last year. I thought all this fear was behind me now, but the closer it gets to when this baby is born the more I keep thinking that we should have stayed in Beijing.
Of course if we'd done that, Michael wouldn't be better... Cho wouldn't have been found... Luna would still be in Azkaban. I know that us being here was important and is important but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be in this world and I want to take everyone in the house away from here. Not just our little family in amongst the Order, but the entire house itself.
And Ron... I don't even know what to say about that. All I know is that nothing is guaranteed in this life... not even safety precautions.