(Untitled)

[shreena]

Shreena's question of the day (I'm procrastinating) - when you're turning down an invitation to something, do you feel obliged to give a reason?  Similarly, when someone turns down an invitation of yours, do you want to know the reason

Comments

[angoel]

one slight exception would be if they were turning down the invitation because the type of event didn't appeal to them

I think that turning down an invitation with a reason is syntactic sugar to let the person inviting know that, no, it's not the type of event that doesn't appeal, or the people attending, there's just something else that's going on. So please invite them to the next one. And if you do, you know something about what they've been up to in case that aids in such planning.

[shreena]

I tend to just say something like, "That sounds great but, alas, I can't make it. Another time!" and I think that accomplishes the same thing without putting my exact reasons there for inspection.

[angoel]

This, indeed, is another way to do the same job with fewer social cues, which will often be good thing.

[I note that the last rejection I've got from you was one which said 'I'd love to come but I'm doing X'. In which I found the social cue useful. ;) ]

[shreena]

Wasn't that, "I'd love to come but I'm kinda getting married on that day.." ? I think that's possibly the ultimate excuse!

[biascut]

Depends on how close I am to the friend, how important to me the event is. If one of my close friends can't come to something that's obviously important to me - like a birthday party (assuming it's in a convenient place for them) or the civilisation - then I can't imagine them just saying, "Sorry, I can't make it." But if they are a close friend, then knowing where you are in their priorities shouldn't come as too much of a shock

[robert_jones]

It's a matter of personal taste, of course, of which there is no disputing, but I don't see how not giving an explanation has anything to do with not being honest with your friends. I'm almost inclined to think the friendship is bit messed up if you need to make a big show about how much of a priority the other person is.

[used_songs]

I'm polite, but I don't give reasons. The way I look at it, I don't owe anyone an explanation. And when I am the person being turned down, I don't expect a reason.

[triskellian]

It depends on what the event is, why I'm not going, and who's organising it

[wychwood]

On the whole, I think it's better to avoid giving reasons unless you have a good one. Weak reasons tend to sound a bit like "BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU" whereas no reason given could mean anything *g*. With close friends I'm more likely to give a reason, even if it's only "I don't feel up to it", because I know they aren't likely to start thinking I hate them; they'll understand. And I agree with the person who said that giving a reason sounds more like a no to the specific event but an implied yes for further invitations. I generally end up giving reasons, because usually my invitations come from close friends; I'm not really in many groups where I might be invited to things by people I don't want to spend time with. *hermits*