Unseasonal, 2nd draft

[shuck_spit]

So the snow races water out like a leaking
Orange, and with as much a plan as an orange’d
Have. A streaming game of What time is it, Mr Wolf,
And the February sunset waremoon answers

With its subway token eye: refreeze. How unfair to run

Comments

[nihilicious]

Well. You took out two of the allusions I liked best ("Pulitzer" and "national pastime"). And the capitalizations are clunky. Though I see your point about focus.

What is it you like better about this draft?

[shuck_spit]

Oops. The caps are all wrong. I'll change them to "conventional" sentence caps in a minute. I dunno if I like this draft better, actually... Leave it with me, and I'll post a composite later, if it's even worth the effort. Maybe I'll just simmer down the first one by 2 or so lines... bah!

I hope you're feeling better. Cheers.

[shuck_spit]

We can’t foretell the kind year, and thank god,
because if mildness were certain, how could we afford
the real estate? Unseasonal - ha! Like our winters
were predictable and not a staggering, risky pregnancy.

So the snow races water out like a leaking orange,
and with as much a plan as an orange’d have.
A streaming game of What time is it, Mr Wolf,
and the shifting sunset waremoon answers

with its subway token eye: refreeze. This February
like a Pulitzer winner: astonishing, heartfelt, a feat.
How unfair to run the sidewalk like a sluice
and not to warn of stop or start. But then,

how dangerous to lend voice to snow or moon.
No metaphor lurks out there; the meteorologist’s
claptrap sounds desperate when the weather disobeys;
and a geography lesson pales to good advice.