泣ヶ原 - ReitaxRuki - Oneshot
Title: 泣ヶ原
Author: shurikenwielder
Disclaimer: Keep dreaming
Chapters: Oneshot
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama
Pairing(s): ReitaxRuki
Warnings: Suicide, language
Description: "You never notice if I'm here. So maybe you'll notice if I die?"
泣ヶ原
Akira was relatively well known in school. By grades and athletic ability. Many of the girls who were brave enough asked him out each week. They were always declined though, enough times that rumors had started to go around that he wasn't even interested in anyone at all.
They're not that far off. It's not just anyone, it's someone. Takanori.
Akira laughed to himself and sat down on his bed in his room and turned on the TV.
I'm need to confess to him soon. I can't drag this out any longer, he thought to himself, shoveling some cereal into his mouth as the news continued to drone on about the weather. He had been planning this for months now, just never having the guts to go through with it.
It's torture. Seeing him everyday and acting like he's not there just because I can't work up the nerve to go talk to him. Because I'm afraid of being judged for being gay. His mind traveled back to the brunette and smiled again. But for him, it's worth it.
'You should just go be friends with him first then,' he'd imagine one of his friends would say.
He looked out the window. His room was on the fifth story in the apartment complex. The sun slowly rose over the horizon, giving a soft glow to the room.
The blond looked up as the news caught his attention again.
"And today we have news that a local high school resident has just been pronounced dead. Authorities say the cause appears to be suicide as the victim seemed to have jumped out of a window from three stories up."
Akira frowned. They lived in a relatively small town with only one high school. Either everyone knew each other or you were an outcast.
"-The victim's parents have requested that their name not be announced on air."
Who at school would want to kill themselves?
The other let the thought resonate through his head before finishing his breakfast and heading to school.
- -
The school was quiet aside from the tiny whispers asking whether they had seen the news and querying who the person was.
Akira had tried to find the possible people like everyone else but it was almost impossible to tell if it were any of the absent people since no one seemed to be freaking out; just gossiping.
The blond sighed an opened his locker, startling when a note suddenly fell to the ground. He crouched down to retrieve the small slip and stood back up.
He looked around to see if anyone else had noticed before unfolding the torn notebook paper and reading it.
'あきら,
You probably don't realize it, but it's been years now since we met. Years since I fell in love with you.
Maybe that's why you never notice me. It's simply been too long.'
Akira paused. Was this another love letter from the girls again? No... it looked like a boy's handwriting for sure. He wasn't sure if he liked where this was going.
It has really. It hurts you know, to see you everyday and you simply ignore me. I know I should just go up to you, but I can't.
That should be a sign I don't deserve you right? That I can't even get up the nerve to talk to you.'
He looked up as the warning bells for class rang. He quickly looked down at the remaining paragraphs to the paper before folding it in half again and putting it in his pocket for later.
- -
"I'm sure you've all already heard about the news," the homeroom teacher began solemnly as she walked into the room.
All while she explained what had happened for the few students who didn't know, Akira continued to read the note from where he had left off.
'It's funny now that I think about it. I can write you this petty note, but I can't talk to you.
Actually that's not entirely true. I did try to talk to you a few months ago outside at lunch, but you pushed me aside with only the simple word of "move".
Why? I had never even bothered you up until then. I realize now though, it's because I'm not good enough. I'm a nobody, an outcast. I'm worthless to your image. Because if you think about it:
You never notice if I'm here. So maybe you'll notice if I die?'
Akira froze as he read the second to last line. Die? D-does that mean they're the one who-
He was cut off from his thoughts as the teacher suddenly spoke up.
"So now if you would all please stop talking, we will have a moment of silence for our dear Takanori Matsumoto."
The blond felt himself stop breathing. No...
Despite the small memorial the rest of the students continued to whisper to each other.
"Whose Takanori?"
"He goes here?"
"Is that a new student?"
His hands balled into fists as he registered what they were saying. He knew the person he was in love with was an outcast, but...
He's gone here since kindergarten...
The brunette felt his eyes begin to burn with tears as he read the last line on the paper.
'I love you Akira,
- Takanori'
… He loved me...
"He felt the same way," he whispered, tracing the words written in ink. "A-and for that long. All I had to do was confess to him, then he wouldn't of..."
Then he wouldn't have killed himself.
He choked on the thought. It felt as if his heart was shattering into a million pieces, the shards cutting him from the inside as they fell.
The teacher continued to drone on.
"People have been looking into it and apparently seemed to have undiagnosed Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is basically when someone is constantly anxious about what someone else will think of them. Leading to why people with this disorder will normally be very hesitant to disagree with you since they tend to be very shy and timid. This also makes them very easy to be taken advantage of at the slightest compliment. But since none of you seemed to know him, or acknowledge that he was there, that kind of affection must have been missing from him. Which we are assuming is what lead him to take his own life." She eyed them all accusingly, "Would it really have been that hard just to give him one kind word? He might still be alive if we all had."
The students squirmed in their chairs as guilt was put onto them, but Akira was feeling it the most.
He put his head down on his desk as tears slipped from his eyes. Any other day he would have rather have shot off his own foot than to cry in front of the class, but it didn't matter to him now. Image was the reason he was in this situation in the first place.
"Hey," one of his friends said from behind him, noticing the other's shaking shoulders. "Are you okay?"
The blond simply kept his head down and cried harder.
"Hey," the other tried again. "Akira, it's not like you knew the guy did you? It's just a nobody."
Smack!
The whole class including the teacher stopped what they were doing and turned toward the pair.
The blond glared down at the other, watching his friend look up at him with a shocked look through his tear filled eyes. He could tell the other was shocked that he had actually punched him.
"It's?," he hissed. "For fucks sakes you could at least try to act like you care! He just killed himself because we all ignored him everyday of his life and you're calling him it's?!"
"Akira-"
"SHUT UP!!!" he cut the other off screaming. "Just shut up..."
He could care less that everyone was staring at him. "You're all selfish bastards that couldn't care less about something unless it concerns you," he whispered and ran out of the room, leaving everyone else quiet with shock.
He ran the whole two miles home, tripping and scraping his knees and hands as his eyes became even more blurred with tears.
Leading to where he was now, locked on his room, crying his eyes out on the bed.
Why is it this painful? Love is supposed to be such a beautiful thing. Granted, I never really got to know him, but I would have liked to. God, why didn't I talk to him sooner? But his writing in class...
The teachers in language class would always post the best papers in their opinions on the walls in the classroom. It had started as infatuation when he had read Takanori's poem at the beginning of last year.
Nakigahara...
He smiled sadly to himself. It was the thing that had started his slow process of falling in love with the brunette. The more writing he read the farther he fell.
The blond didn't even notice as he stood up and made his way over to the window. He sighed, opening it and swinging his legs over the side.
A smile worked it's way into his features. By some strange reason he felt closer to the other this way. This was the way Takanori had gone, and he planned to do the same. The wind blew his hair softly, adding to the atmosphere.
"There is I who loved you," he began reciting the end of the other's poem, having memorizing it by heart.
"There is I who stared at you. There is I who wanted you. There is I who lost you."
He smiled bitterly at the similarity. I really did lose him, for now... We'll be together soon Taka... He leaned over the edge slightly still gripping the window frame with his hands.
"There is you who loved me. There is you who stared at me. There is you who destroyed me. There is you who snatched me away."
A single tear made it's way down his cheek as he let go of the window sill.
"There is you who killed me."
- -
AN: I don't normally write oneshots but, I've been uncharacteristically depressed lately, so this is the outcome. Feel free to tell me what you think.