this is the worst essay
SAM AND HIS FEELINGS AND SHIT
an essay because last episode was super gay and difficult
OKAY SO. I am assuming that whatever Sam is doing behind Dean's back is:
1. Not Ruby (that is, it's not just sexing Ruby up).
2. Terrible enough to actually turn Dean against him.
3. If not completely then at least 90% motivated by his love for Dean.
4. Going to be revealed in time for him and Dean to break up for the season finale.
That's all unspoiled speculation! Now, given where we're taken from in canon (post Heaven and Hell), Sam hasn't actually hooked back up with Ruby to hunt down Lilith again yet. But he knows what it is and is, I assume, still thinking about doing it. And, I assume, still has whatever issues with Dean he has. AND UH if those issues are actually being accurately portrayed in "Sex and Violence," I will be pretty pissed. SO YOU KNOW since we're on hiatus again now, I am going to write out my thinky thoughts about Sam's character this season, where he is coming from, why he is doing what he's doing, etc.
So, what we get about Sam's motivation in "Sex and Violence" is that he's going around behind Dean's back trying to kill Lilith without him because Dean is too weak to help him, and he'd only get in the way. Which I absolutely cannot believe is Sam's conscious primary motivation for that. In fact, I can't imagine that Sam's conscious primary motivation for keeping things from Dean is anything other than the way Dean flips the fuck out every time Sam's powers/relationship with Ruby/anything comes up. Now, I'm not saying there aren't other levels to it, but I think if Dean asked Sam, under normal circumstances, why he was keeping secrets, that's what Sam would say, and it would be pretty true.
As for subconscious reasons? For me, in trying to understand Sam this season, something that seems really important is that he did not save Dean. It hasn't been addressed since "Lazarus Rising," IIRC, but I can't picture a Sam who isn't torn up about that. All of season three was Sam trying to save Dean, and failing. Hell, look at "Mystery Spot," which was an entire episode about Sam being incapable of saving Dean. And then "I Know What You Did Last Summer" was Sam doing everything he could to save Dean, and becoming a complete waste of a human being when he failed. The only thing that brought him back from that was Ruby giving him something else to do to vent his feelings about Dean: revenge.
So in canon now we have a Sam who's got Dean back, but without having done anything.
(Also, at this point, I feel the need to mention that my season two DVDs are on my printer, and I am still mighty freaked out by Dean's soulless gaze. STOP LOOKING AT ME DEAN.)
Anyway! Sam can't tell Dean what he's been doing because he knows Dean won't be okay with it. He knows that Dean is currently allied with a side that either actively wants him dead or doesn't care if he lives or dies, and that Dean is still under orders from their dad to kill him if he can't save him. And if he should lose Dean again, he can't do anything. If Dean dies again, Sam still won't be able to save him. And he's still got this weird negative space, where Dean is alive, but he's still got all his anger and confusion and need to do something. And, of course, killing Lilith might save the world, save a lot of people, etc, but Dean is bad at the whole needs of the many thing. And Sam is too--he's willing to think about killing the virgin in "Jus In Bello," for example, but completely against Uriel nuking the town in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester"--so I assume whatever he's doing with Ruby is harmful only on a small scale, and that Sam genuinely believes it will help people.
I feel like I'm getting distracted from the point, possibly because I did not entirely have one.
Here's how I feel about what Sam said with the siren:
1. Sam wasn't trying to have an honest conversation about his feelings with Dean. Sam was told, under the influence of Supernatural roofies, to have it out with Dean. I think both boys said what would hurt the other one the most. Because Dean? Dean sucks at honesty and real conversations and saying his deep and meaningful feelings. And he made himself out to sound like the reasonable one in a way he doesn't ever lay down in the real world, and made it sound like the massive problems he clearly has with Sam's powers weren't an issue at all. And Sam came back going for the jugular, presenting what I think can be legitimate problems in the worst possible way.
2. I pretty much read every time Sam said "weak" as actually saying "if I ever lose you again, I am actually going to kill myself."
So, that is pretty much how I choose to interpret what Sam is going through right now. He wants to save the world. He wants to do something about everything that happened with Dean, stuff that gutted him and nearly killed him and that was entirely his fault. He wants revenge. He wants to not lose his brother. But I think given the choice between saving the world/getting revenge (I assume they go together for him, because killing Lilith covers both) and keeping Dean with him, he'd take the revenge and saving the world. I...honestly kind of wonder if part of where Sam's coming from is that he thinks he doesn't deserve to have Dean, because he couldn't save him. He still wants Dean, of course, but I wonder if some of what's happening with him isn't him thinking Dean shouldn't be his anymore.
God this is so rambly and stupid IN CONCLUSION SAM WINCHESTER IS AN IDIOT WHO LOVES HIS BROTHER AND JUST WANTS TO SAAAAAAAVE HIM BUT CAN'T BECAUSE DEMONS REFUSE TO LET HIM SELL HIS SOUL LIKE SOME SORT OF WINCHESTER REVOLVING DOOR DEATH CYCLE.
I am awesome.
an essay because last episode was super gay and difficult
OKAY SO. I am assuming that whatever Sam is doing behind Dean's back is:
1. Not Ruby (that is, it's not just sexing Ruby up).
2. Terrible enough to actually turn Dean against him.
3. If not completely then at least 90% motivated by his love for Dean.
4. Going to be revealed in time for him and Dean to break up for the season finale.
That's all unspoiled speculation! Now, given where we're taken from in canon (post Heaven and Hell), Sam hasn't actually hooked back up with Ruby to hunt down Lilith again yet. But he knows what it is and is, I assume, still thinking about doing it. And, I assume, still has whatever issues with Dean he has. AND UH if those issues are actually being accurately portrayed in "Sex and Violence," I will be pretty pissed. SO YOU KNOW since we're on hiatus again now, I am going to write out my thinky thoughts about Sam's character this season, where he is coming from, why he is doing what he's doing, etc.
So, what we get about Sam's motivation in "Sex and Violence" is that he's going around behind Dean's back trying to kill Lilith without him because Dean is too weak to help him, and he'd only get in the way. Which I absolutely cannot believe is Sam's conscious primary motivation for that. In fact, I can't imagine that Sam's conscious primary motivation for keeping things from Dean is anything other than the way Dean flips the fuck out every time Sam's powers/relationship with Ruby/anything comes up. Now, I'm not saying there aren't other levels to it, but I think if Dean asked Sam, under normal circumstances, why he was keeping secrets, that's what Sam would say, and it would be pretty true.
As for subconscious reasons? For me, in trying to understand Sam this season, something that seems really important is that he did not save Dean. It hasn't been addressed since "Lazarus Rising," IIRC, but I can't picture a Sam who isn't torn up about that. All of season three was Sam trying to save Dean, and failing. Hell, look at "Mystery Spot," which was an entire episode about Sam being incapable of saving Dean. And then "I Know What You Did Last Summer" was Sam doing everything he could to save Dean, and becoming a complete waste of a human being when he failed. The only thing that brought him back from that was Ruby giving him something else to do to vent his feelings about Dean: revenge.
So in canon now we have a Sam who's got Dean back, but without having done anything.
(Also, at this point, I feel the need to mention that my season two DVDs are on my printer, and I am still mighty freaked out by Dean's soulless gaze. STOP LOOKING AT ME DEAN.)
Anyway! Sam can't tell Dean what he's been doing because he knows Dean won't be okay with it. He knows that Dean is currently allied with a side that either actively wants him dead or doesn't care if he lives or dies, and that Dean is still under orders from their dad to kill him if he can't save him. And if he should lose Dean again, he can't do anything. If Dean dies again, Sam still won't be able to save him. And he's still got this weird negative space, where Dean is alive, but he's still got all his anger and confusion and need to do something. And, of course, killing Lilith might save the world, save a lot of people, etc, but Dean is bad at the whole needs of the many thing. And Sam is too--he's willing to think about killing the virgin in "Jus In Bello," for example, but completely against Uriel nuking the town in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester"--so I assume whatever he's doing with Ruby is harmful only on a small scale, and that Sam genuinely believes it will help people.
I feel like I'm getting distracted from the point, possibly because I did not entirely have one.
Here's how I feel about what Sam said with the siren:
1. Sam wasn't trying to have an honest conversation about his feelings with Dean. Sam was told, under the influence of Supernatural roofies, to have it out with Dean. I think both boys said what would hurt the other one the most. Because Dean? Dean sucks at honesty and real conversations and saying his deep and meaningful feelings. And he made himself out to sound like the reasonable one in a way he doesn't ever lay down in the real world, and made it sound like the massive problems he clearly has with Sam's powers weren't an issue at all. And Sam came back going for the jugular, presenting what I think can be legitimate problems in the worst possible way.
2. I pretty much read every time Sam said "weak" as actually saying "if I ever lose you again, I am actually going to kill myself."
So, that is pretty much how I choose to interpret what Sam is going through right now. He wants to save the world. He wants to do something about everything that happened with Dean, stuff that gutted him and nearly killed him and that was entirely his fault. He wants revenge. He wants to not lose his brother. But I think given the choice between saving the world/getting revenge (I assume they go together for him, because killing Lilith covers both) and keeping Dean with him, he'd take the revenge and saving the world. I...honestly kind of wonder if part of where Sam's coming from is that he thinks he doesn't deserve to have Dean, because he couldn't save him. He still wants Dean, of course, but I wonder if some of what's happening with him isn't him thinking Dean shouldn't be his anymore.
God this is so rambly and stupid IN CONCLUSION SAM WINCHESTER IS AN IDIOT WHO LOVES HIS BROTHER AND JUST WANTS TO SAAAAAAAVE HIM BUT CAN'T BECAUSE DEMONS REFUSE TO LET HIM SELL HIS SOUL LIKE SOME SORT OF WINCHESTER REVOLVING DOOR DEATH CYCLE.
I am awesome.