What's my Kryptonite?
AX,
Disappointment after disappointment. Can Patrick, Matt, and Scott return to spin at the AX dance this year? We don't know. Arizona con gig thing, cancelled. Fanime gig, canceled.
Emotionally,
I'm hard at forgiving. One serious mistake, I'll burn the bridge without hesitation. As sick as anyone may think I am, it gradually became entertaining. It helped me realize who's worth it and who's not. Best friend or not, it's over. Significant other? I still have trouble deciding over or not? Amazing how I move on so fast. This so called immunity I developed, made me into this cold hearted bitch. A year and a 1/2 has gone by after I ended a 2 1/2 year relationship. I started to care for myself more than others, since this world is consisted of people who are out to take advantage of whatever they can get their hands on. Might as well jump on the band wagon and watch my own ass. Using somebody? I couldn't bring myself to do that. I believe in karma too much to use someone plus I don't want to depend on anyone but myself. I like it because I'm believing in myself more and more.
I can't stand people who come back into your life to set their heart at peace, then they leave in an instant. They leave you with unwanted feelings that were buried away months and years ago. A good example would be my first ex. Indecisive bastard, move on.
Feelings that would only hold me back and bother me is what I don't want to feel. I've grown to brush things off so easily. I care less for things that I believe shouldn't matter to me. I push burdens aside to make life easier.
Family:
I'm not close with my family at all. When I was talking to my brother when we went Christmas shopping, I accidentally said "Oh my dad..." instead of "Dad...." That was awkward.
My brother's 15 and has been at the Long Beach Memorial Medical Center since last Monday the 30th. My parents told me he has Pneumothorax and for the first week I worried and went on with life. I knew I should have been worrying a lot more, but I didn't because I knew it would just bring me stress and pain. That's how selfish I am. I went about with my life on the weekend until my mother called me, frustrated. I was high and I didn't want to deal with pain and stress, so I hung up. To not give much of a damn for him because I don't want to go through the emotional burden, that's the kind of person I made myself into. I went to visit him on the 4th after he went through his first surgery. It was not until he woke up from surgery while throwing up on me that I realized I do care.
My mom said to me, "The bill for your brother will be as much as buying a new car. I hope you won't be angry because we're spending money on him when we could have helped you buy a new car." I told her, "How can you think I'd think such a thing. I'm not shallow. Even though I'm not close with my brother doesn't mean that I value a new piece of material over his life." My dad gave me a check last week of $200 because he thought I was flat broke and withdrew too much money out of my checking. It was a dumb mistake but I didn't need the money. My mom gave me a check of $100 to cover whatever expenses I had for the days my parents were at the hospital. I gave them both back, and I'm giving my next check to them as a start for helping with my brother's medical bills. I have a bike to pay off by summer and my parents don't know about it. I can do it. I better.
I would never know what it would be like to lay in a hospital for almost 2 weeks not being able to walk, listening to the beeping sounds of machines keeping him alive, not being able to focus on watching DVDs, listening to babies cry day and night in the ICU, or not being able to eat when wanting to.
Thursday, the 10th, I went to see him, twice that day. Doctors weren't sure when the second surgery would take place. I arrived at 8pm. My brother's been awake since 8 in the morning and wasn't allowed to eat or drink water until 8:30pm. I told him I was going to go home and grab my laptop and give it to him to use to write a journal about his life in the hospital. I want to read it and feel his pain. Also it would be something he'd want to read when he gets out of the hospital and say he lived through it. I want to quit smoking for him, so far it's going well.
School
I looked at my student account for summer school and fall semester. I really don't want to show it to my parents. I've decided today I'm going to double major in Art and Chinese. I thinking taking the Scholarship is the next step to helping my parents, even though I have absolutely no interest in going through with Chinese. But, sadly it's the only subject I'm doing well in.
I thought about quitting my work and just doing better in school. Meaning that my parents would have to support me financially for almost everything. I can't do that to them.
After School:
I talked to Howard on Skype recently. At 20 he's in the UK working, done with Pepperdine, UCSB, Berkeley, and is now going through with law school. Even in high school, he knew my life was always disarray. Even when I tell him now that we would never have got along and we never will agree, he never regretted standing by my side when my own parents called the Po's on me.
After our first conversation back in early April, I've been on monster.com since looking for a better job. I felt like shit compared to him.
After some encouraging ideas and advice, I'm still lost when it comes to what am I doing with my life. I've always wanted to meet someone who knew exactly what they wanted in life and work and achieve it. I've met three. Howard himself and my boss. Both of them, I know I cannot get along with. I hate their ego, but their confidence and success in life is complete eye candy to me. Last, Walter. His love for his hobby, eye candy. Similar interests is important to me in a relationship. It's one key to getting along. The level of trust I have for him is just, tainted. I still value his friendship. Who else would go to the Red Bull Grand Prix or Tool Concert with me. Sure I can just find other people to go with me, but it's not the same. Maybe that's all we were supposed to be, just friends. Part of me wants to get through this and continue trying, another wants me to step back and be friends if he's okay with it. If not I'll live with it. I don't know. I want to know.
I'll probably look back at this entry a week from now and think, "You're an idiot Janet." Honestly, I always will be. I'm stubborn, I hate showing weakness. So someone break me.