I want to be ravaged like a dimestore paperback Heroin
Lord I want to be conquered. I don't believe in the knight in shining armor...but the solitude is enough to drive me crazy. I am tired of being a tower of strength and independance. I want to give in, I want to be broken, I want to lose, and win by losing. I want someone that's strong enough to give me the space I need, but who will surprise me here and there. Who will dance with me in the rain, who will make me laugh and cry and exhilirated all at the same time. I want someone that'll show up at my door unexpectedly with a dozen long stemmed roses, when I was wondering if they truly cared for me, just to look me in the eyes with a burning fire and tell me, "I can't hold in what I feel for you much longer, when I wake up in the morning, you're what I think of, I love the way you belt out tunes in the shower, and how you're not afraid to be yourself, and how you always say the most brassiest things, and how you pound beer to put any man to shame, but when we're out every man still looks at you like you were a diamond and it makes me feel proud to be with you, proud to have someone so wonderful in my life, because I know I will never find another one like you, you do things to me inside that no woman ever has, and it scares me and makes me fall hard for you, everytime I hear your voice. I can't promise you anything, I'm human and I'll make mistakes, but I can give you the most pure honesty in my genuity. I just can't let you go, and I don't want to think of losing you." Then to grab me in his arms and kiss me hard.
I need a man, someone who will stand up for what they want or believe in, all fears aside. Someone who will bind my wild spirit and set me free at the same time. But it's too much to ask. In the end, I only ask for pure honesty and for someone to respect me and my presence in their life. That alone is too much to ask.
I just want to be set free. I'm so wild inside, I fight with myself. I feel too much and I push them away, and I don't feel enough and push them away. I can't just be comfortable and I haven't had something real in many years. I miss that, I miss the stability and comfort of knowing someone is there and they are honest with you, and they care about you and you care about them, and when all is said and done, they're your man and you're their girl. I miss being taken
There was a previous mention about Paul, no I haven't taken him back and I doubt I will honestly. I don't think he has what it takes to take it to the level, I don't think he can break me and I don't think he could ever be my man. I would like to believe he has it in him, and more than likely he does have it in him to conquer me, but he also has a self-preservation that keeps him from risking outside of his walls. He could never set that aside to conquer me.
Then what is he now? A situation that's gotten out of control. We had a non-traditional arrangement. I know what level I want to take it to, a much more non-traditional one of d/s if anyone knows what that means, you'll understand. What was it supposed to be?... his back door into my life again and my salvation through a healthier vindication of my bitterness. However, it was supposed to be temporary. I get my satiation and he's gone. I should've forseen appeased anger stirring up bottled feelings. Half the time I want to kick him to the curb and half the time I want to hold him in my arms and tell him it's going to be ok, he'll never have to walk alone. What I know is this, in the time he's come back, even though we aren't seeing each other; I haven't been more tired, exhausted, at my wit's end, unstable, sick, slept more disturbed, or had as many emotional swings. But I also know this, it is two extremes. I haven't had my heart stirred as much, I haven't slept as well, I haven't been as rested, I haven't beemed as brightly, I haven't cried out of pure pain, but also pure release. He makes and breaks me at least four times over a day. He pushes me just far enough away, and then pulls me in further than before. When I've reached the end, he rips me back begging for more. I can't explain how it feels inside. I want to hurt him, and then I want to hold him. Mostly I want to smile and laugh and joke and play with him.
I guess what it comes down to is what is healthier for me? I think the answer is clear: unless I can remain unattached and learn to forsake my "all or nothing" mindset, then I have let him fly. He can't realize my value and worth, and there's nothing I can do to give him the wake up call that's needed, I know he knows it inside, I know it's the look in his eyes, I know it's how he came back. But sometimes it's too little too late and we don't truly know what we have till it's gone. I'm not a human yo-yo, and I can't let him come back again, even if he burns inside from a day late realization.
I have to remain unaffected, or I have to cut him lose, otherwise I won't be able to take this. My life comes first and he can't be such an omnipresence in it.
As great as the highs are, there are lows and this is one rollercoaster I'm going to have to realize I'm better without. If he can't see inside and know that great rewards take great risks. Then I have to realize that I can never give something to someone that can't receive it. I'm better off alone, and I have to look out for my well being.
What I need the most is stability, and in his inner struggles he can't offer me any type....Just an occasional shimmer in his eyes when he looks at me.