(no subject)
So, I just finished reading this book called "She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb. If your a woman/girl/human who finds yourself running around life in cirlces and consistently falling into traps of addiction of anything, people, food, drugs, booze, sex, men I highly suggest you read this novel. I also lent the book to Denison my mentor and he sent me back a little poem that he wrote to me
Please.....
Forfeit your fears, forget waiting longer
breathe It in
breathe It out
Trust me
You will NOT come undone
You will become!
Needless to say, I've spent the past few weeks angry, as I've spent the majority of my life. Angry at those around me because I was afraid to be upfront, to be honest. I always though my honestly was me cutting them down, but I admit now that I've been wrong. I haven't always been honest about who I am either, I haven't always allowed the broken parts of myself to be offered on the table. Put my past out there, and allowed someone, anyone to love me despite that. I always forget, until I am reminded (alike with last weeks anger) that there is so much of me that isn't healed. There's still a 6 y/o somewhere inside of me who lost her mother, an adolescent who was abused by family members, and an angry teenager who lost her grandfather. I think that ignoring the ugly parts of my past allows them to still be skeletons in my closet, to still have power over me. I am most of the time, afraid of happiness, afraid of loving someone (not sexually) because the deeper you love the more you risk. And now I find myself asking these questions like: How do you heal parts of your past? Who/where do you start loving? How do you rid your life of self hatred? How long do I have to wait before I stop fighting fear?
maybe next week I'll write in the answers.
Please.....
Forfeit your fears, forget waiting longer
breathe It in
breathe It out
Trust me
You will NOT come undone
You will become!
Needless to say, I've spent the past few weeks angry, as I've spent the majority of my life. Angry at those around me because I was afraid to be upfront, to be honest. I always though my honestly was me cutting them down, but I admit now that I've been wrong. I haven't always been honest about who I am either, I haven't always allowed the broken parts of myself to be offered on the table. Put my past out there, and allowed someone, anyone to love me despite that. I always forget, until I am reminded (alike with last weeks anger) that there is so much of me that isn't healed. There's still a 6 y/o somewhere inside of me who lost her mother, an adolescent who was abused by family members, and an angry teenager who lost her grandfather. I think that ignoring the ugly parts of my past allows them to still be skeletons in my closet, to still have power over me. I am most of the time, afraid of happiness, afraid of loving someone (not sexually) because the deeper you love the more you risk. And now I find myself asking these questions like: How do you heal parts of your past? Who/where do you start loving? How do you rid your life of self hatred? How long do I have to wait before I stop fighting fear?
maybe next week I'll write in the answers.