Comments | shyriann: Girls, Wormholes, and Other Dimensional Mayhem (2/?)

shyriann

Girls, Wormholes, and Other Dimensional Mayhem (2/?)

Feb 06, 2012 18:59

Title: Escape
Rating: PG (mild language)
Characters: Rose, Jack
Word Count: 2100
Spoilers: Doctor Who- season 4, Torchwood -season 2
Summary: Jack realises that his timeline has not run concurrent to Rose's.
He took Rose’s face in both his hands and smacked a kiss on her lips. “Plenty of time for that later,” he grinned, as she protested ( Read more... )

rose, jack

Comments 4

sylvanas_reborn February 7 2012, 01:20:37 UTC

More!!!!

shyriann February 7 2012, 01:21:44 UTC

Yes Ma'am. :)

Additions ext_1031110 February 7 2012, 06:24:59 UTC

I know you wanted feedback so I figured I'd leave some. I would mention a couple grammatical/spelling mistakes, but that's not what you asked for and figured you'd find them when you read through. I would like to suggest perhaps more place setting. For instance, the story takes place so far in some kind of frozen tundra. Other than unrecognizable star patterns seen through the chimney like hole of the ice hollow, we have no source of ambient lighting to set the mood of her surroundings both down below and again on the surface. As well, perhaps description of ship or how she knows it's a ship; such as thrusters or spot lights. Is there a moon? Is there too much snow to see the moon and if so then how is this object recognizable as a ship or the trees and mountains in the distance seen? Lighting can go a long way to setting the mood and I certainly know the mood I am reading it in, but I want to know the mood you're writing it in. Hope this stirs thought. :-) Good work so far. I look forward to continuing installments.

Re: Additions shyriann February 7 2012, 22:53:00 UTC

All of this is good advice. To be honest, I skimped on the setting on this part because I was trying to get through this intro part and on to the meat of the story, so this was a bit rushed. I guess I figured that this planet wasn't important, other then the danger of cold, so the description wasn't important either. It's rare to find fanfiction readers who care about the setting at all. For most, it's all about the character relationships and the comparisons to the show. But for you, my high fantasy epic reader, I shall endeavor to give the setting more of my attention. As for the spelling/grammatical errors, I thought I had caught them all, and apologize for those I missed.