Since it's been a while--Jokes to start off your day
Thibodaux and Boudreaux are a couple of Cajun drinking buddies who work as airplane
mechanics in New Orleans. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the
hanger with nothing to do.
Boudreaux says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink."
Thibodaux says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Boudreaux wakes and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Thibodaux.
Thibodaux: Hey, how do you feel this morning?
Boudreaux: Great!
Thibodaux: I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?
Boudreaux: No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers,nothing. We oughta do this more often. Thibodaux: Yeah. Well, there's just one thing...
Boudreaux: What's that?
Thibodaux: Have you farted yet?
Boudreaux: No. Thibodaux: Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix.
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren,
$150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman! saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce."
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is
about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful
women in the eye, farts, then says,..........................
"Broccoli...... 49 cents a pound."
I think you'll like this whether you are a golfer or
not.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a
complicated golf course, became confused as to where
he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her,
explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing. "I'm on the 7th hole," she
replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went
back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and
he approached her again with the same request. "I'm
on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you
must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked
her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse
where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the
bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The
bartender said that she was a sales lady and played
the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a
drink in appreciation for your help. I understand
that you're in the sales profession. I 'm in sales
also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't" he said.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied,
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a
hole behind you."
ALL women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo.
A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she
sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been
long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between
them.
If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman,
"it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times
and says, "Good trade".
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening,
looking at the moon and talking.
One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther .......
Florida or the moon"?
The other blonde rolls her eyes, turns and says,
"Helloooooooooooooooooooo,
can you see Florida from here?"
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes
and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to
eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
The minister asked the congregation to raise their hands if they had forgiven their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the Congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "I outlived those bitches".
The Job Interview
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.
HE GOT THE JOB