a difference of scales
alright so heres an un-encoded update for anyone who would like such. i realize i have a tendency to write with words and ideas only i can understand but thats just me i guess. one may be glad one isnt in my direct life, i tend to speak in the same manner.
first off, im deeply terrified of the newest development on the horizon. terrified in the sense that i think i may have actually found someone whos timing may match up with my own. which suddenly changes so much. changes how i respond to interactions with the boys. to all my online profiles that are constantly looking for this and for that. changes even how im suddenly looking at myself, am i really up for this. all needs aside, ive no intentions of being reckless with his heart nor am i going to let him be reckless with mine. but reckless is hardly the primary concern, the alternative may even be more so. especially when i weigh in the best sex i have ever had with anyone, was with this boy who shares my name. though it wasnt the first time i bottomed it was the first time i truly bottomed. hes not exactly small, most especially in girth so it took some will power to get over the burn and accept that the person who was in me, i wanted in me. we did this on saturday before the company came over and here i am two days later and im still glowing. it was so amazing that he made every muscle in my thighs tingle and i discovered there where places he reached inside me that i had no idea existed. hands down the best sex i ever had and i have often found myself in the time between then stopping myself from telling every person ive encountered how great it was.
that being said we still have our specifics to overcome. specifically the first time i topped him, the condom came off for an unknown small amount of time. this boy is the safest boy i have ever been with and its quite refreshing. we did our testing on friday and saturday and its just a matter of 7-10 days before everything comes out clean. i for one am not concerned with my status, i just want to show him. i am quite aware of my negative hiv status. which leads me to a hundred and one questions i most likely wont get into tonight. regardless we have both expressed how nice it will be when we are beyond condoms and mistrust. but here is my first worry. when does intimacy become complacency? at what point is the honeymoon over and nothing but boring sex ensues? because i am the first to acknowledge my inexperience with relationships but i am also the first to acknowledge the boredom i perceive in all the other longterm relationships around me. that is, do i truly believe in monogamy? and if i do, how do i keep the magic with this boy consistent and fresh and never leaving either of us wanting. that is, if monogamy is relevant beyond the sti and hiv concerns. that is an actual trust between two hearts.
well now that we acknowledged that elephant in the room lets move on to the rest of the un-encoded update. im eying san francisco state and as well, a masters degree. its unfortunate in the sense that my student debt will dictate my employment but it will most likely be fortunate that such a degree will overshadow any other applicants. who knows what the future holds, i have only recently accepted the huge possibility of my student debt.
anyways, i have been between a rock and a hard place lately wanting to share myself with people who arent exactly receptive and i only wonder, is it me or you. perhaps im just too needy but thats another post entirely.
i will part with that thought. sweet dreams to those who still read.
first off, im deeply terrified of the newest development on the horizon. terrified in the sense that i think i may have actually found someone whos timing may match up with my own. which suddenly changes so much. changes how i respond to interactions with the boys. to all my online profiles that are constantly looking for this and for that. changes even how im suddenly looking at myself, am i really up for this. all needs aside, ive no intentions of being reckless with his heart nor am i going to let him be reckless with mine. but reckless is hardly the primary concern, the alternative may even be more so. especially when i weigh in the best sex i have ever had with anyone, was with this boy who shares my name. though it wasnt the first time i bottomed it was the first time i truly bottomed. hes not exactly small, most especially in girth so it took some will power to get over the burn and accept that the person who was in me, i wanted in me. we did this on saturday before the company came over and here i am two days later and im still glowing. it was so amazing that he made every muscle in my thighs tingle and i discovered there where places he reached inside me that i had no idea existed. hands down the best sex i ever had and i have often found myself in the time between then stopping myself from telling every person ive encountered how great it was.
that being said we still have our specifics to overcome. specifically the first time i topped him, the condom came off for an unknown small amount of time. this boy is the safest boy i have ever been with and its quite refreshing. we did our testing on friday and saturday and its just a matter of 7-10 days before everything comes out clean. i for one am not concerned with my status, i just want to show him. i am quite aware of my negative hiv status. which leads me to a hundred and one questions i most likely wont get into tonight. regardless we have both expressed how nice it will be when we are beyond condoms and mistrust. but here is my first worry. when does intimacy become complacency? at what point is the honeymoon over and nothing but boring sex ensues? because i am the first to acknowledge my inexperience with relationships but i am also the first to acknowledge the boredom i perceive in all the other longterm relationships around me. that is, do i truly believe in monogamy? and if i do, how do i keep the magic with this boy consistent and fresh and never leaving either of us wanting. that is, if monogamy is relevant beyond the sti and hiv concerns. that is an actual trust between two hearts.
well now that we acknowledged that elephant in the room lets move on to the rest of the un-encoded update. im eying san francisco state and as well, a masters degree. its unfortunate in the sense that my student debt will dictate my employment but it will most likely be fortunate that such a degree will overshadow any other applicants. who knows what the future holds, i have only recently accepted the huge possibility of my student debt.
anyways, i have been between a rock and a hard place lately wanting to share myself with people who arent exactly receptive and i only wonder, is it me or you. perhaps im just too needy but thats another post entirely.
i will part with that thought. sweet dreams to those who still read.